Original subtitles

It was a rude awakening,

the start of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening,

now it's just past the pay.

No matter where I go, somebody's got to stay.

I've got to relearn the basics that I never learned anyway. When will I find

someone who understands?

And when will this life ever end?

It was a rude awakening.

It was the start of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening.

And I hope it won't always be there.

Today was so much fun.

I'd love to talk with you guys, especially when you pay.

We should do this again tomorrow.

Definitely. I mean, we could do all kinds of things together.

Movies, there's the new Picasso exhibit, you could have a baby for us. Lunch at

the Ivy.

Run that baby thing by me again?

Oh, yeah, baby.

You know, Henry and I have made a beautiful home together, and we just

the only thing missing is a child.

Well... Why not order a nice Romanian or Cambodian kid off the Internet?

You mean with Constance? I don't think so. Besides, we really want a child of

our own. Yeah, we have plenty of sperm.

We're just searching for the perfect egg.

You guys are serious?

Look, we know this might be a little inconvenient. What, you think?

I mean, you're asking to borrow my uterus.

But we'll return it in really good condition.

Why are you guys choosing me?

Could there be a woman more genetically superior than you?

Those cheekbones, those heart -shaped lips, that lush hair.

Well, don't forget about my poreless skin.

Flawless. I mean, doesn't it bother you guys that I just stopped drinking a

couple months ago?

We believe you're committed to your sobriety, or we wouldn't ask.

Wow. Now I'm honored.

Now think. If you were a match, where would you be?

Come on, Lily.

You're a survivor.

You'd be a great role model for our child.

You want me to stick around once the baby's born?

Absolutely. You be its mommy. Its mommy?

Shit.

Sounds nice, huh?

Yeah, I mean, I've never really considered having a baby before, but if

suppose this would be the perfect situation.

It cries, I give it to daddy. It throws up, I give it to daddy. It asks who its

papa is, I say, go ask your daddy.

By the way, who will the father be?

Oh, we're going to mix our sperm together. Kind of like a chocolate

shake.

From the very start, we want nothing but equal opportunity for our semen.

Why don't we just all have sex together and may the fastest swimmer win?

Billy,

our little miracle will be conceived using only the most modern science.

Well, you're saying modern science and I'm hearing turkey baster.

Actually, it'll involve stirrups, a speculum, a syringe with a catheter.

Henry, you're not selling.

Ah, here they are.

Okay, let's steer away from catheter and move back to milkshake.

Now, aren't one of you going to be disappointed if you're not the

father? Hey, a Clark Jr.

would be precious.

His blue eyes, his adorable smile.

Oh, I hope he has your nose. I hope he has your lips.

Oh, kiss me.

Oh, you two really are in love, aren't you?

Well, that answers that.

Oh, I wish we could have a baby on our own.

But since neither of us are ovulating... When you give birth to our child, our

lives will finally feel complete.

No pressure.

Will you think about it?

Yes.

Thank you.

You don't know how happy this makes us. You're not going to smoke that, are you?

Hey, I'm not pregnant yet.

Oh, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm good.

Come on, baby.

It's your first yoga class. You're going to get better. I know, but it's pretty

strange. I can't believe how hard I'm breathing.

Was it the exercise or was it the fact that you were surrounded by women with

their legs wrapped around their necks?

I barely noticed the 36 women in leotards, especially because all I could

about was getting you out of yours.

Oh, really?

Yes.

How would you like to learn a new position?

Does it involve you getting out of your pants?

Eventually. Okay, then Grasshopper is ready for instruction.

All right, come and lie down.

All right.

Okay. No, Dave, Dave, Dave, next to me.

And then the pants come off? You get patience, grasshopper. All right, now

attention. I'm going to take my eyes off you. All right, this is called the

plow. Good.

Lie on your back.

Yeah. Breathe deeply.

Can I moan deeply?

You should feel the blood coursing through your veins almost immediately.

Do you feel it?

Yeah, one vein in particular.

All right, now inhale.

Uh -huh.

Palms on the floor.

Knees up.

Legs out.

And up.

When do we get to the plow?

Dave, don't you want to learn this position?

I'm going to teach you a position.

Put your legs down.

Spread them.

This is called the Dave.

Learn this from a missionary.

I'm thinking of having the California roll. What about you?

I'm thinking of having a baby.

Funny. I don't see that on the menu.

That's because it's a special request.

Isn't it a little early in the relationship to be thinking about kids?

Well, I'm not asking you to have it with me. I'm considering having it with

another man.

Maybe you and I have different definitions of relationship.

Oh, come on. Okay, let me explain.

Clark and Henry want to have a baby.

And they've asked me to be the surrogate mother.

And you're not seriously considering it, right?

Well, actually, I am. In fact, I've been thinking about it all day.

Do you know how hard it would be to give up a child?

Yeah, of course.

I mean, I can't even give up a sweater I haven't worn in ten years, let alone a

child. On the other hand, no one's ever said to me, if you give us this sweater,

it will make us happy for the rest of our lives.

Well, maybe you should try giving up the sweater first.

Good idea.

But where the hell do I find a sweater adoption agency?

Maybe I should just forget the whole thing, huh?

I don't mean to be negative, but at this point in my life, I bet you're taking

my girlfriend to Jamaica, not to the obstetrician.

Oh, so you're saying I'm your girlfriend?

Uh, waiter.

Sorry, I'm late.

The lines at financial aid were endless.

You will be amazed how many people want money for free.

Yeah. Jay, can I get an advance?

Yeah, sure. As soon as I pay back my creditors, not to mention my suppliers,

the money that I owe to Markham.

Where's his financial aid office, anyway?

If I don't get this grant, I can kiss my psych degree goodbye.

What am I gonna do?

Well, I think that's your sleeper.

Yeah, you're the one that needs sleep. I don't know how to say this delicately,

but you look like shit.

Very delicate.

That's Raquel. She's been keeping me up, and I do mean up.

Last couple of nights. And since you started dating her, you seem less and

like yourself.

Well, maybe that's because I'm leaving so much of myself in her.

I wish I wasn't so exhausted. You know, I mean, I never experienced anybody like

Raquel. And I have known a lot of women in my time.

Yes, sir, you keep telling me.

Here's an idea.

If you're so tired, why don't you cut back on the sex?

That's funny. I thought you just said, why don't I try cutting down on the sex?

Yeah, I did.

Your libido is out of control. I might even go so far as to say you're a sex

addict. I think you did go that far, and I'm not an addict. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Have you ever had a relationship that wasn't based on sex?

That's funny. I thought you just said, have I ever had a relationship not based

on sex?

You know what the worst thing about being pregnant is?

The swelling.

The nausea. Stretch marks. The clothes. I mean, who wears this crap?

All I have to say is, victorious.

Secret could use a maternity line. Well, it's good to see you're taking it so

seriously. Yeah, I am.

No, you're not. You're talking about the fucking clothes. You have no idea what

you're... That's why I got books. I got magazines. I got videos.

Come on. I mean, I'll take Lamar's class.

Lamar's class. I'll take that one, too. I mean, anyway, how hard could it be? I

mean, crack whores and retards have babies all the time. So you should? To

To keep up with the crack whores and the retards?

Look, you know what I mean, okay? Everyone's having children, so why can't

Baby, I'm not saying you can't have children.

I'm just saying, are you sure this is the way you want to?

Honestly, I don't know.

Hey, you guys, what are you doing here? We were worried about you. We called,

but your phone was busy. Yeah, we were concerned you were hurt or held prisoner

or worse.

I'm just trying to have a romantic evening.

That's what he means by worse. God forbid someone should beat us to your

Give me that.

You guys, it's not a race.

I mean, there's not a little guy with a starter's pistol inside me. Well, not

since 84.

We know it's not a competition. We just don't want to lose.

Okay, you guys, if I decide to do this, you can't come over here any time you

feel like it. You wouldn't dream of it.

It's way too inconvenient.

We'll rent you a condo in our complex.

It's got maid service, secured parking, enough.

Before you answer, just know we plan on paying you a large allowance.

You wouldn't have to be a process server or work at all anymore.

No work?

And serving?

Wow, my wife is so proud.

However, if one of you takes a cigarette out of my hand again, you're going to

lose a fucking finger.

Market. Hey, man.

We were just checking in on our little girl, since she might be having our

little girl. Our boy.

Our boy with the two eggs should make it. Oh, my God. Imagine twins. It would

so precious.

Boy.

Imagine the matching strollers. Oh.

Fellas, before you run off and buy dueling buggies, I just want to say I

couple of concerns, man.

Oh, of course. And we can't wait to hear what they are. Good, because the first

one concerns you, Clark.

Your response.

I think you're asking her to do this with a huge conflict of interest.

For us or for you? Marcus, they're my friends. No, baby, your friends who are

paying you to produce a kid for them.

Are you insinuating that I'm bribing her?

No, I'm saying you're bribing her.

Those are fighting words.

Henry? Settle down, honey.

The way we see it, Billy would be giving us an amazing gift. We would feel

obligated to support her financially. But if it offends you, we won't give you

any money. No, don't be silly. I know you guys have honorable intentions.

Would the maid come once a week or twice?

See that?

I think you're manipulating her.

What? I'm her sponsor. Exactly. How's she going to say no to someone who's

helped her out so much?

Well, I think I've helped her grow strong enough to say no. Hello?

think I'm sitting here.

Marcus, this is between me, Clark, and Henry. All right, fair enough. My

don't mean shit. Hey, I'm just the boyfriend.

Oh, so now you're the boyfriend. He said boyfriend, yeah?

Look, just because we had sex doesn't mean I'm talking to you.

Good. Because we had sex does not mean I'm listening to you.

Then how do you know what I just said?

That's twice that you talk to me.

Look, this is our first official fight as girlfriend and boyfriend.

So, let's make it quick.

Hold still so I can pop you one.

Don't hurt your head. Go ahead.

Ooh, is that a hit?

Come on, don't make me laugh. I am really mad. No, you laughed. You lost. I

Nope, no, it is not over. Listen, I want to make this decision by myself.

Okay, I understand how you feel, but it's really important to Clark and

And as much as I have feelings for you, which I do, I also have feelings for

them, too.

I feel like I'm stuck in the middle. I'm torn.

I feel torn.

Look, I don't want to bring this up in front of them. I don't want to bring it

up at all, but a long time ago, I got a girl pregnant.

In spite of my feelings, she gave the baby up for adoption.

And I've looked for my son, and I can't find him.

Sorry. So I know how hard it is to do what they're asking you to do.

And you still have a choice.

I didn't.

Come in.

Wow. You look... Look at how you look.

I'm glad you're late, because I'm running a little late.

Oh, it's fine. I was jogging, and the sunset was so beautiful tonight, I

to put in an extra couple of laps.

My God, you must be exhausted.

Are you kidding?

I am energized.

You are? We're going to have some dinner, a little dancing, a little laser

show, and then you are going to get the best fuck you've ever had.

Raquel, as nice as that sounds, I got a conundrum.

A dilemma, you know.

Honey, it takes time to date you. And it takes time to make love to you. And it

takes time to run a business. And the one thing I don't have any time for is

sleep. Okay? I gotta have sleep if I'm gonna date you, make love to you, and

a business.

Okay. Perhaps I can postulate a solution to your conundrum. I'd be forever

grateful. All right.

Come here.

Mm -hmm. How's that?

That is awesome.

Okay. Now, you can't give up your restaurant.

No. So that leaves dating and sex.

Right.

Answer's pretty clear. I know. We've got to cut down on our date.

No.

We just skip the date.

You're like the perfect woman.

I left you 14%. Would that 1 % have killed you? Huh?

Hey, I'm trying to put myself through college here.

You drive a Mercedes?

What's up with her?

And Dave, Dave, why'd you up? Dave, who?

You okay, man? I'm up.

I was... I'm under the table checking for gum.

Dave, Dave, that's bullshit.

Whoa, man. Who's the girl?

Raquel. She's tall.

Full -lipped, insatiable.

Oh, damn.

No, I think I might die. Oh, no, you can't die.

See, you owe me 30 grand.

You can sell my body. What? I don't think they're worth that much.

Wouldn't pay back my investment.

Don't worry, I'm on top of it.

No, Dave, what you're on top of is this girl, and I think you need to cool it

with her, man. Girls like Raquel, they don't come along every day, and when

do, they usually leave me. I gotta get as much of that as I can before she

bolts. So basically, you're fucking her out of fear?

Pretty much.

Getting knocked up by two guys. Now, see, that would be the most selfless

you ever did. Yeah, and the best thing about it is I will know who the father

is.

Bet you never thought that would happen.

Very ironic, because the whole time we were together, we did everything we

not to get pregnant.

We? I don't remember you doing shit.

I mean, I took the pill, I bought the jelly. I wore the condoms. Only because

made you.

Anyway, you didn't want to have children then, so why now?

Well, that's what I'm trying to figure out.

The best reason I've come up with so far is that I finally got my shit together.

I mean, I could actually create a life instead of ruining it.

What do you think?

Well, you've really come a long way, sweetheart.

So you don't think it's crazy?

I think it's crazy, but in terms of you being a surrogate mother, I support you

100%. Well, that's nice of you.

But what if I was still your girlfriend?

Then would you have a problem with it?

I don't know.

I think pregnant women are hot.

Dave, is there a fetish that you don't have?

Well, excuse me if I think that a woman is at her most feminine when she's

bringing life into the world.

What did you do, read that in a book?

Yeah, but I believe it.

So you want to hang out later?

Oh, no, Ken, do I. I'm having a date.

Well, hopefully with your bed, because you look like you can use some Zs. I

think we'll be in bed. I don't think Raquel is going to let me get much

Oh. Huh?

It's pretty, huh?

I do the word handsome. I mean, look at those muscles.

Yeah, she works out, but believe me, she's an old woman.

I don't know.

She looks sneaky.

Being sneaky has your boyfriend. Marcus is great.

Hey, why don't we all go out on a double date?

Unless, you know, Rocky would be intimidated by your ex -girlfriend. I

ex -girlfriend's the one who's intimidated.

Oh, please.

I currently have three men in my life. If anyone's insecure, it's you carrying

around these cheap photos of you and...

G -man.

At least I'm not looking for an excuse to badmouth somebody I never even met.

Dave, she's a brunette. You're obviously trying to replace me. Why would I

intentionally replace a pain in my ass?

Hmm. On that note, I do hope that your new girlfriend enjoys her fake orgasms

much as I did.

What do you mean I'm not getting the money?

I'm sick.

And I won't stop until you figure out a way to get it to me. Hello?

can they call themselves financial aid when all they do is lead you on and then

they screw you?

They should call themselves the financial fuckers.

That's what I'll call them from now on.

Hey, don't worry. You'll be fine.

I had a baby for you to say. You used the rejection.

I had a promising career.

Well, have a nice day. Oh, I see how it is. When you have an issue, it's fine.

Nurse Hallie, she'll fix everything.

The minute I have a boo -boo, it's yuck.

The nurse is bleeding, but I already have my band -aid, so who gives a shit?

give a shit. I'm just not a helpful person.

But I know what it's like to be broke, because I am broke.

Oh, yeah?

I'm at least as broke as you. In fact, I am so broke.

Oh, you're not going to out -broke me.

I am so broke, in fact, that I'm thinking about having someone else's

Do you want to be a surrogate?

Maybe. Clark and Henry asked me.

Wow, that's quite an honor to create a life for somebody else.

You don't get fat and throw up, though. That's still an honor.

I'll try to remember that as I'm exploding out of my clothes while I

the bathroom for my morning puke.

It's worth all that because a perfect little person comes out.

Hopefully. I mean, I did do a lot of drugs.

Don't worry about that. They got phonograms, amniocentesis, fetal heart

monitoring, intrauterine surgery.

getting paid a lot.

Yeah, I mean, I'm not even pregnant and I'm already feeling...

Oh,

man.

One more of those and we'll be in the Guinness Book of Records.

Just see the caption under my photo is most chafed. Oh, poor baby.

How about it gets better?

Yeah.

Oh, that feels so good that you got to stop.

What, what, what?

Listen, Raquel, I know they're going to kick me out of the guys club for this,

but... We gotta talk.

Okay. Okay. What is it?

I think you may need more men than me.

And that's okay, because obviously I cannot fully satisfy you.

What are you talking about?

Don't you need sleep? Aren't you tired?

Honey, what are you, from another planet or something?

Like a world where they got three suns and it's light all the time and nobody

sleeps?

You're like a superhero.

What are you, fucking Wonder Woman?

Do you look like Wonder Woman?

I'm so tired, I think you are Wonder Woman.

Well, I am tired, too, okay?

I'm exhausted.

And I'm a pilot, and quite frankly, it's getting a little dangerous, because,

you know, if I nod off, then 200 people die, including me.

Well, then why do you want to have sex all the fucking time? Why do I want to

have sex? I thought that's what men liked. How could you not know what men

I haven't been with that many.

Let me tell you what men like.

All right?

Men like smart, sexy, gorgeous, multi

-orgasmic women that haven't been with a lot of men, that look like Wonder

Woman, that fall asleep in their arms.

Oh, thank God for that.

Well, yeah, Raquel and I had a talk. Oh, the talk. I'm sure you'll meet another

girl. No, no, no need.

See, last night instead of sleeping with her, I slept with her. Oh, you got

tired of her, huh? No, not tired of her. Tired with her.

I'm tired of her.

Hi, I'm Billy and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Billy.

I don't usually go to women's groups because, quite frankly, I don't really

women.

Myself included, if that matters.

I came today because I needed to share something that only women can

My two gay friends, they want me to carry a child for them.

And I'm actually considering it.

See, I never thought I had a biological clock.

And if I did, that the batteries were dead.

Now all of a sudden, it's ticking like a time bomb.

And I find myself in the perfect situation to have a child.

I get paid and someone else raises it.

It's really just very expensive prenatal daycare.

It's a no -brainer, right?

So why am I sitting here hoping that somebody will talk me out of it?

Decision day.

Hey, how does your family feel about you two boys having a baby?

Mine is thrilled.

In their eyes, fatherhood trumps gayness. Suddenly I'll be like the

diapering, burping, coordinating carpools with the other soccer moms.

My mother's dead, but it's just as well. She was an abusive bitch who feared

small children.

So, it's decision day.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Hi.

Hi.

Okay. So, did you decide?

Okay, after a lot of thinking, I realized that I really do want to have a

Okay, I support that. I just, I don't want to have yours.

For that, even more support. Why don't you want to have our babies?

Well, Clark, I couldn't give up a child.

I mean, especially yours, because you're one of my best friends.

You know, after carrying it around inside of me for nine months, it would

a part of me, a valuable part of me.

Imagine me thinking any part of me is valuable.

I'm really sorry, Clark, but don't cry.

Stop it.

I'm so sad as a father.

I'm so proud as your sponsor.

Whoa, hey!

Don't worry.

I bet you're going to find somebody else.

Matter of fact, you can have women lining up around the block just to carry

motherfucking seed. And I mean that in the best way.

Well, Billy was always our first choice.

Hayley, you're up.

What? Congratulations.

You're our new mommy.

Hayley.

We had to have a backup.

Yeah, you're not the only egg in the crate.

Oh, Billy, I hope this won't come between us. Ever.

I hope you enjoy your milkshake. I will.

This milkshake's going to put me through college.

Well, we better get going. Our appointment's in half an hour.

Hey.

Seemed pretty sure about your decision.

You okay?

Oh, sure.

You know, society puts all this pressure on women to have kids.

What's the reward?

Get to wipe their ass, deal with their tantrums.

Not to mention they drain you financially and emotionally.

Do you want to have a kid someday?

Someday.

Not today.