Original subtitles

It was a rude awakening,

the start of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening,

now just have to pay.

No matter where I go, somebody's got to stay.

I gotta relearn the basics that I never learned anyway. When will I find someone

who understands?

And when will this life ever end?

It was a rude awakening.

It was sort of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening.

And I hope it won't always be this way.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh.

You wouldn't go horseback riding on Saturday.

Me? No.

Jews don't ride horses.

Okay. Camel then. What if I said yes? What, are you going to get me a camel?

Yeah. You don't think I'd get you a camel if you wanted one? Sure.

A camel, a Winston.

But actually, I prefer my bras.

Can you hand me one, please? No, I'm not feeding you a cigarette habit, and I'm

slightly offended by the fact that you don't think I could hustle you up a

like that.

Look, I appreciate the fact that you want to take me camel riding, but why do

you want to take me camel riding? Because I want to do something with you

you've never, ever done before.

That's sweet.

How about make me feel comfortable in my own skin?

That's something I've never been able to do with anyone, not even by myself.

Well, I think it might be easier for me to get the camel, but I'll check into

them on my way to work, okay? Oh, hey, hey, I got the interview with Graham

Sheridan. Oh, my God, you got it? Why didn't you tell me? He is such a great

director. I love that movie Zero Hour.

Go to the studio. We signed up to a three -picture deal.

Wow. How great that you're going to be, you know, meeting with them and that I

would also like to meet with them.

This is my non -direct way of saying, could you introduce me to him at your

interview, please?

Billy, is that your way of beating around the bush?

Because I think you hit the bush in the head.

No, baby, I think the bush has a big concussion right now. So, is that a no?

No.

This is a no.

You know, I thought you wanted to do something for me that no one's ever

mister. I can get a fucking hammer.

Billy, look, Graham Sheridan's got, like, Hollywood's top actor, Oscar

begging to work with him. Are you saying I don't fit that description?

No, I didn't think I had to.

Look, I know my career hasn't exactly been on fire lately, but, you know, I

really would like to get back into acting. And, I mean, aside from the

the booze, the promiscuity and the anorexia, my acting years were the best

of my life. This is the guy's first interview in five years, honey.

Okay? His publicist sent me a list of topics to avoid, chief of which is the

resuscitation of Billy Frank's career. Well, that list. I mean, if you're going

to let the list stand in the way, I'm never going to get anywhere.

You will.

It's not professional of me to mix business with my personal life, man. I

look, if I knew the guy as a friend or whatever, it'd be different.

I worked hard to set this up. Thank you.

Later.

Fine. I don't need you.

I don't need your connection.

And I damn sure don't need that fucking camera.

Are you sure you know what you're doing? Yes, I read the instructions on the

box. Relax.

Test on small patches of hair.

Shit, Billy.

What? Small is subjective.

I mean, I've dated enough guys to know that.

Yeah? Well, if my hair falls out, I'm shaving your head and wearing it like a

wig. Oh, I think you would look good with black hair.

Honey, I have black hair. Want to see?

Well, no.

No. No, no, no. No.

Well, why do I have to go first? Look, you didn't mind going first when we did

coke? And second?

And third if I blinked?

So you're burning my hair off because of the coke?

No, come on. I am trying to do the best I can, okay? It's not nice and easy.

It's difficult and unpleasant, and I'm not even charging you to fuck up your

hair, so shut up. Yeah, and you might wind up looking like the girl on the

and then who knows what kind of guys you might meet.

I already know the kind of guys I'm going to meet, okay? And they don't give

shit the color of my hair.

Okay, then quit complaining.

Oh, it's so easy for you. You already have a boyfriend. Yeah, right.

One who won't even introduce me to Graham Sheridan.

Wow. You want Marcus to introduce you to other guys.

That's so ballsy. That's kinky.

Graham Sheridan is the famous director I want to meet, and Marcus won't help.

Well, when did you become so shy?

I can't just walk up to him out of the blue. I mean, I have to wheedle my way

into the conversation, and my wheedling isn't what it used to be.

Yeah, well, needle if I can help you with wheedling. I don't know what you

I'm doing a survey paper for my behavioral science class. Want to answer

questions?

Sure. Fire away. Okay.

What qualities do you find most attractive in a member of the opposite

The fact that they are of the opposite sex.

That is C.

After that, I prefer tall, although short can be good.

Dark hair, although I like a blonde.

I like an athletic body.

You know, although a little padding can be good, too.

Softness.

Definitely blue eyes.

Or brown.

I know a girl with green eyes. Dave, I'm running out of space here. What about

personality preferences?

Uh, personality?

No preferences.

Dave?

Hey, Stan.

Hello.

Jack.

So, uh, what brings you guys here to my place of business?

You want to, uh, order some lunch?

To go?

Uh, no, we already ate.

Yeah, we heard about the place, Dave. We wanted to see it.

Have you seen it? Tell all your friends, you know, especially the ones who might

be interested in, uh, purchasing some food. It's big.

Looks like you could fit 50 or 60 people here. Oh, yeah, we do that on a busy

night. Hey, we got busboys who'll handle that.

I'm just trying out.

So, Dave, there'd be no problem having, say, the Tuesday morning meeting here?

Well, I wouldn't say no problem. You know, there's zoning, parking, health

The bathroom's right around the corner.

Yeah. I don't understand, Dave. Aren't we all in this together?

Not that simple anymore.

Yes, it is. You know, when your old place closed, a lot of us didn't know

to hang out, but...

Now that you're open again, we can pick up where we left off. You know what? I

got partners now, and I'm going to have to talk to them about it, okay? You

understand that?

Sure, sure, sure. But you'll let us know. I will get right back to you.

Oh, listen, man, I want to thank you for doing this interview. I know you're not

really into being in the spotlight.

Oh, I don't even like being in the sunlight, but I heard good things about

Everybody says you're very professional.

Well, I know that's important to you, so do this.

The, um, the pursuit scene in Zero Hour, that's got to be one of the best -paced

scenes since French Connection. What inspired that?

French Connection.

Well, that's quite an homage, man.

Oh, excuse me. Aren't you Graham Sheridan?

Yes, I am. Hi, I'm Billy Frank. I really loved your last film. It was very

poignant. Thank you. It's very astute of you to recognize the poignancy I try to

symbolize with the explosions.

Ah!

Hey, Billy. We're kind of in the middle of something.

Oh, and you are?

Marcus Adams.

We're doing an interview. Yeah, for L .A. Scene.

Oh, my favorite magazine at the same table with my favorite director.

What are the odds?

I would say it's just odd.

Oh, my God.

You played Diana Gately?

I'm your biggest fan. You're so fantastic on Emerald Bluff.

Fans, what are you going to do?

May I? Would you possibly give me your autograph? It would mean so much to me.

named my daughter after you.

Oh, sure.

I'll write one of my thousands of fans. Thank you for all your support.

Thank you.

You're my favorite actress.

She's my favorite actress.

Well, I'm sorry about that. It happens a lot since I starred on Emerald Bluff.

Of course. I love that movie. There's great poker scenes.

Thanks.

You know, I'm acting a new film, and there's a part I could be perfect for.

really? You'd have to audition, though. I hope you don't mind. Audition.

Well, you know, to be honest, it's been years since anyone asked me to audition,

but, well, for you, why not?

Well, here's the address.

Come by tomorrow. Say, um, three -ish. Okay, I'll be there -ish. Thanks.

Nice to meet you, too. Marlon?

Oh, yes.

It's been quite some time since I've met an actress of your caliber.

Oh, thanks.

Bye.

I still look like this, right? Yeah, if you're Pat Benatar.

Don't you have any photos from this decade?

No, because this decade I spent all my headshot money on tequila shots.

Money well spent.

Who needs 800 pictures of themselves in a bandana? Hey, that picture has ended

up in, well, a lot of trash cans.

Hey, baby.

Oh, you mean Marlon, don't you?

Doesn't that funny?

No, Marlon didn't really think so.

Who the fuck is Marlon?

I thought we agreed you weren't going to interrupt my interview.

I don't remember that. I mean, Maureen, do you remember that? I don't know what

you're talking about. Do you have any matches?

Oh, are you going to smoke?

No, I'm going to use a can.

Doesn't she look darling in that hat?

You still haven't answered my question. Oh, come on. What's the big deal? I

mean, I didn't let on that you were in on it. I wasn't in on it. Yeah, but it

worked. So why are you bugging? I mean, don't you want me to succeed?

First of all, bugging?

Second of all, yes, I want you to succeed.

But in light of your selective memory, I think I should remind you that we did

have an agreement, Billy.

You know, I know what's wrong. You're just afraid that I'm going to become a

big, fat movie star and not have the time for you anymore, right?

Not even a little.

I'm glad he liked you. But in the future, I'd appreciate it if you didn't

job for your job.

Right?

Right? Right.

All the bars and all the worldwide... Dan, have to walk into mine.

I don't understand what the big deal is. It's only one meeting a week.

Then they're going to want to hang out here all the time. Yeah, but you say

like it's them and not us.

I need some ketchup.

You know, if it was somebody like you and me, that'd be fine, right? But Stan,

please. Lou, homeless jack that smells like pee.

Yeah, well... I'm not president of the homeless jack that smells like pee fan

club. However, I thought our cult said that we're supposed to be nice to these

people, and I am. You know, I gave Jack a ride home yesterday, and now it's

Billy Hugo that smells like pee. I need salt, too.

Salt, salt, salt, salt.

Please. I gotta tell you something, Billy.

One of the marketing don'ts of owning a restaurant is letting it smell like

homeless jack.

What do you want?

What? In a perfect world, I would have a meeting for talented...

successful, good -looking alcoholics. You know, like Dean Martin or Judy

Garland. That way I could have a nightclub.

Yeah, well, that's the problem with alcoholics.

The better they are at it, the younger they die.

You know what else?

What? I think you're full of shit.

Why? Because I want to have a nice place?

Big news, Dave. Having a nice restaurant doesn't make your alcoholism go away.

Yeah, big news. Being in the program doesn't mean I've got to carry these

motherfuckers around with me wherever I go.

Okay, well, this motherfucker's got an audition to go do, so I will see you

later. What about Bill?

my tab.

You don't have a tab.

Well, then you know where you can put it, don't you?

Bye.

Then the paper's on over.

Hey, you, today, here.

Yeah, me, today, here.

Why don't we get started?

You read a script?

Oh, I didn't get a script.

What? Oh, that It.

My assistant is so fired.

Fired. Oh, no, no, no, no. Come on. I don't want to get anyone in trouble. I

mean, my own assistant probably just misplaced it amongst all my other

Well, I hope so.

Look, I just want to apologize for not realizing when we met that Emerald Bluff

was a nighttime soap in the top 20 for 13 years.

Sometimes when you meet talent, it's a little intimidating.

I know. That's how I felt when I met you and a lot of the other great directors

that I've met with.

Over the years.

Well, I guess since I don't have any new pages here, I thought maybe we could

improv a scene. You do improv, right?

Oh, sure. Yeah, I took a class at the Groundlings once.

Well, it wasn't so much a class as an ashtray.

Funny and beautiful, which is why you're so intimidating.

So that's it.

Well, shall we begin?

Yeah, sure.

All right, I've kidnapped you, and I'm holding you hostage in the woods.

Oh, am I wearing a red hood?

Yeah, whatever.

The point is, is that you're frightened, okay? And you're willing to do whatever

it takes because you're a survivor.

That's right. You know, I am a survivor. I could see that, and that's why I

thought you'd be perfect for this part.

Wait.

Okay, you ready?

Um, give me a minute.

Okay,

I'm ready.

So, is Daddy going to cough up that money, or am I going to have to start

sending back body parts? No, please don't hurt me. I'm sure my Daddy will be

here any time.

Well, better be soon, bitch.

Don't even think about running.

No, I'm not going to run. And the car's going to be here any second with the

money. In fact, I think I hear it right now. I'm not falling for that shit.

You're not?

I hear it.

You know what I hear?

I hear the beating of your heart.

Well, come out. What are you doing? Just stay in the scene. No, I am. I am.

Come on. You know you want it. No, I don't. Get off of me, asshole.

Good scene.

Wow.

Can I get you something?

No, thanks. I ate at my mom.

Take this.

Thanks for coming, uh, alone.

Um, come on, let's go outside where we can talk. I know you got a busy

what with your, um... What do you do again? I'm a bag boy.

Still? Oh, yeah, and this is our busy season. Uh -huh. You know, I'm head bag

boy. Oh, so you're really more of a bag man.

If only they'd let me call myself that. Yeah, I'm behind you 100 % on that. You

know, I'm gonna come by the store, I'm gonna call you bag man.

But... Listen, I've decided you can't use the restaurant for the meetings.

Why not?

Because it's my place of business, and as dedicated as I am, there are limits,

you know?

Look, I got a right to move up in the world. Of course you do. Everybody wants

you to.

We're all behind you. Thank you. Um, okay, it's not just that. It's that... I

can't explain it. It's... Here, I'm just... I'm Dave.

Well, you know, at the store, I'm just Stan the Bag Boy.

But I'm not ashamed to admit I'm an alcoholic.

I'm not ashamed.

It's not like I'm keeping it a secret from anybody. I'm just not telling

anybody. Isn't that the definition of a secret?

Technically, yes, that's true.

But maybe you'd understand if you had your own grocery store.

Oh, I understand all right.

What did we ever do for you?

Oh.

Fuck.

I don't understand.

Fuckin' the guy had been so bad.

Well, are you stupid? He attacked me. He had me against a wall and he...

was huge.

Really? Yeah.

What's his number?

I'm serious.

It was scary.

All right. Look, my brother Piggy just got out of the joint and he definitely

knows people that kill people. No cost. Great.

Just what I need to end up in the big house with Piggy.

You know, I'm such an idiot to have thought I had a chance in hell to get

that movie. I mean, how did I not see this coming?

You thought this was your way back in.

This is not a situation you want a lot of experience with. I mean, because that

would mean you were me. Then you would have fucked the guy, and you still

wouldn't have got the movie.

Oh, stop it.

What am I going to do?

If it were me?

Yeah. I'd pull Marcus.

I'll kick the crap out of the guy in for free. No way. He's just going to get

mad, and then something's going to happen, and you know what?

Why don't we just not tell anyone?

Oh, like anyone's talking to me with my hair all fucked up. Your hair is not

fucked up. It's invention.

Why? Dave, I analyzed your answers for my paper.

Oh, yeah? How'd I do? Well, according to my textbook, you're doomed to an

endless series of meaningless physical relationships.

Doomed? That's what I'm going for. Well, I'm worried about you.

Don't be. The sex is doing a great job of distracting me from the

meaninglessness.

Dave. Hey. Hey, I got your message. Can we talk a second?

I always have time for a beautiful partner.

So, look, I talked to Mark. It's about, um...

This group meeting thing of yours here.

And he said that whatever we decided would be fine with him. And I just want

go on record by saying that I think that it's a bad idea. Me too.

Oh. Yeah.

Great. I was ready for a fight. No, I totally agree with you. I mean, the

is that, you know, I did feel bad telling him I couldn't have their

here. Oh, don't feel bad about that. We don't want him here.

I mean, Dave, you're a businessman now. Yeah.

And besides, I mean, present company excluded, alcoholics are trouble.

I mean, we don't want them putting cigarettes out on the floor, stealing,

God knows what else. Well, you know, they're not all that way.

I know. Yeah. But the majority.

I mean, people don't go because they're doing great in life. They go because

they're fucked up.

We don't want that here.

I'm in the program. I'm here.

We got you. That's enough.

Get out.

Look, I'm out of here.

Thank you so much for putting the restaurant ahead of that group.

Is that what I'm doing?

Wait, Nancy, wait.

I can't do that. That's the one thing I can't do.

What? What? No. I can't put anything in front of my sobriety.

I mean, the truth is, if it wasn't for those people, I wouldn't be here. We

wouldn't even be having this discussion.

Okay?

The bad news is that you're in business with an alcoholic.

You know what? I'm going to let him have the meetings here.

Even if I don't want you to.

So you're not going to respect my opinion as your partner?

Well, maybe you'll respect my lawyers.

Don't say that, Nancy. It's not a matter of respect. Of course I respect you.

It's that I don't want to forget that I'm a drunk.

Believe me, as my business partner, you wouldn't want me to.

Look, this is an overdate.

Don't... He okay?

Yes.

I'm fine.

I'm good.

Oh!

Most people just say hello.

Gotta celebrate your audition.

Damn!

You look good, leopard lady.

Oh, thanks.

Wow! Non -alcoholic sparkling apple juice. You shouldn't have.

Yeah, I did.

Well, I don't have any crystal goblets because I sold them to buy the alcohol,

which I'm no longer allowed to have. Oh, that's okay. Those little jelly jar

glasses have a fly finesse on them. Let's go for that.

Okay. Yeah. So, when are you going to sell me?

How's that?

How's the audition going?

Oh, good.

Good? Yeah.

But you never know with these things. I mean, it could be a long time before we

hear anything. So long that you probably shouldn't ask me about it again.

Ever. No, no, listen. I got part two of my interview I'm going to do tomorrow. I

could pump them for a little info.

No. I mean, look, I wouldn't want my career to interfere with your job any

than it already has.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. Why?

Because I'm up here and you're not looking at me.

Hello?

I know where you are. I just... I...

I'm just reliving the scene. You know, it was a sad scene, and I'm a method

actress, and I'm still in the moment. Okay. So how long is this moment going

go on? Because, you know, tick -tock, sad moment.

What do you want me to say?

I want you to tell me what's going on.

I can't, because you're going to get mad.

Why am I going to get mad?

There wasn't even a part for me, okay? The audition was just an excuse for this

guy to try to get into my pants.

I mean, you were right. Somebody like him would never want to put me in his

movie. I didn't say that, honey.

Okay.

I can't believe this motherfucker.

No, no, no. Oh, come on. Don't say that.

Listen, Marcus, I know how hard it was for you to get this interview in the

first place, and I don't want it to all go to shit because of me. It won't, and

it's not because of you. Are you okay? Did he do anything to you? I'm fine,

yeah. I got out of the situation very diplomatically.

Good. Good. Good girl. Well, you know what? He still shouldn't get away with

that shit. I'm sorry. No, no, no. Come on, come on. Let's just drink our fake

champagne and our jelly jar glasses and forget all about it. Yeah? Come on.

You know what else? I think I got some stale crackers and a rotten brie that'll

go great with it.

It's okay, honey. I'm cool.

I'm cool.

My name's Dave, and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Dave.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't, but, uh...

Well, if there's one thing the program has taught me, it's that you've got to

accept who you are.

So, listen, from now on, you're all welcome.

If you'd like the restaurant to remain open, it would be nice if you

occasionally ordered some food.

And paid for it, please, Billy.

Yeah, I'm keeping track of the tab.

Hey, I want a tab.

Yeah, me too.

Put me out for one of them tabs.

Nobody gets a tab.

No, um...

Stan. Right, Stan.

I'm doing a study for my behavioral science class. Oh, I like science. I was

good at dissecting fetal pigs.

Oh.

Well, all I really need is for you to answer a few questions, if that's okay.

Okay.

What qualities do you find most attractive in a member of the opposite

Red hair.

Oh.

All over.

Well, um, that's how I need to think.

I'm single.

I'll bet.

Hey, I'm here. All right. Ready for more questions.

Okay. Let's do this.

So, I mean, I know as a director you've got to deal with a lot of beautiful

women, and temptation must be there to mix a little business with pleasure,

right?

Well... I do have a lot of women that throw themselves at me.

You know, let's face it.

Power is a great aphrodisiac.

Although I've never stooped to that level. I could tell you stories about

directors. No doubt.

Hey, wait, I heard this one story about this famous director.

He met some actress at a restaurant, made up some story about an audition so

could put the moves on her. She wound up kneeing him in the balls just what you

get out of it.

Who was it?

Oh, wait, let me guess. Let me guess.

James Cameron. No, no. Ollie Stone.

Not Ron Howard. No.

Um, Graham, I should tell you I'm dating Billy Frank.

Wow, you work fast.

You barely said two words to her the other day. I don't think assaulting

is funny.

Neither do I.

That's why my next film is called Assaulting Women Is Not Funny.

Do you want me to pop you? No.

No. I'm just very anxious right now.

And I don't know where this is going or what you're going to do to me.

But obviously, you work out.

How about this? I give Billy a part in my next film, no audition required.

No, no, I don't want you to give her a part.

You don't? No.

I want you to give her an audition.

A real one.

And if she's good, then you can give her a part.

And that's it.

That's it.

But hold on.

You so much as look at her funny.

I'm going to expose you for the scumbag you are.

And I will beat the crap out of you.

So since the tape recorder's been running all along, hey, why don't we

finish up the interview, man? Okay. Cool?

Okay. All right. Okay.

All right. Good.

So, this deal you decided to do. Mm -hmm.

Okay, Vargas, I'm going to disassemble the triggering device and reroute the

optical system to the mainframe.

What part are you auditioning for again?

An undercover secret agent.

Aren't all secret agents undercover?

Well, this one won't be under any cover if you don't help her audition.

I'm just trying to help you find your motivation.

I don't think you're going to find it there.

Are you sure?

Well, in second thought.