Original subtitles

It was a rude awakening,

the start of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening,

now I just have to pray.

No matter where I go, somebody's got to say.

I've got to relearn the basics that I never learned anyway. When will I find

someone who understands?

And when will this life ever end?

It was a rude awakening.

It was thought of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening.

And I hope it won't always be this way.

It 101 says... Hi.

Please, go ahead.

You're discussing my fucking elevator etiquette, or lack thereof. Oh.

Well, that wasn't me yelling like that. It sure looked like you.

That's because it was the other me. You know, the bad me.

Which you are you now?

The good one, the real one.

It's hard for even me to tell them apart because they look so much alike.

Both.

Mouthy and blushing.

Actually, the good me is blushing because of what the bad me is thinking.

I'd say a penny for your thoughts, but I don't need to.

No, why is that?

My reader.

Oh, really?

Mm -hmm.

Oh, you should be a thing yourself.

Oh, don't worry about that. I am.

This morning I'm broke, so... You know, unless your dealer's having a special

where if you buy ten vials, you get the eleventh one for free. Maybe we could

pace ourselves.

Geez, I don't know why you insist on buying our drugs with money.

What?

I was under the impression that Miguel stopped accepting the magic beans.

I mean, how else are we going to get it?

Steal it?

I'm no thief.

I mean, I don't have any of the requirements. The, uh, the guts.

The organization skills.

And not to mention, I'm a terrible tiptoe -er. Don't put yourself down. I

I think you could steal.

Look at you. You're small. You're sneaky. I don't trust you.

Matter of fact, next time I go to the bathroom, I'm taking my purse with me.

Maureen. Oh, well.

Hey, what are friends for?

Oh,

yeah.

Ow!

Damn it.

I cut myself.

Hmm? Turn on the lights, would you?

Bulbs out. That's a problem. No, that's an annoyance. Me bleeding all over with

left of the coke, that's a problem.

None of the lights are working.

Shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, fuck. I cannot believe those Nazi bastards at the electric company shut

my power without giving me any warning.

Except for these four notices.

God, it's unfair.

I mean, how do they know you can read these things?

Yeah, I mean, I could have been... Freaking blind.

Or out of town.

On a trip for the blind?

Yeah, where do blind people go anyway?

I mean, what do they post on Twitter?

Hey, wish you were here so you could tell me what the fuck I'm looking at.

Oh, my God.

I owe them $350.

Don't look at me. I don't have any money.

I'm not looking at you.

Yes, you are.

I am, aren't I? I mean, I'm looking right at you.

Where are you going? Well, I could go to Wells Fargo to apply for a loan.

Have me on video.

Hey, this is good life.

Let's just party here.

No, I am not going to do that, okay? I have pride. I'm going to go to Dave's

grovel for spare change.

Okay, but just don't let him suck you back in with that I love you, let's go

meeting bullshit, because getting rid of him was the best thing you ever did.

I got rid of him? I thought he got rid of me.

No, you made him leave. He didn't want to.

Oh, I think he did, my friend. In fact, I distinctly remember blocking the door.

Give me my pink tape.

Babe?

I can't do this.

Just wait a couple minutes and we'll try again later.

It's no big deal. I'm not talking about that.

I'm talking about that.

Wait a minute. Where are you going?

I've got to get away from you before I drink.

Oh, like I'm falling for that.

I'm not asking you to fall for anything. I'm not trying to trick you.

I'm telling you up front to leave it. Oh, no, you're not.

Huh?

Looking for these?

Silly.

When a girl goes psycho.

And when you vomit on them.

You did both of those things, so obviously you wanted them to go.

I'll remind him of that while I'm begging him for money.

That's just very... I'll be here at headquarters if you need me.

Who is it?

Hold up. Hold. Hello.

Hi. Hello. Dave, my electricity went out.

And I need to buy a flashlight.

And... And $500.

And that towel.

Well, I got a flashlight.

And I got a towel. Hey, you know, I was wondering if I was going to be seeing

more of you, and now I am.

You guys know each other? We met in the elevator. Yeah, he read my mind, and he

knew I was going to be coming up here, so he conveniently positioned himself in

a towel.

Oldest trick in the book.

Billy, leave Marcus alone.

Marcus? Oh, BMW Marcus.

Hold up.

Is that how I'm known?

No, you see, I was... You know, I always thought that BMW stood for your car

that Dave totaled, but apparently it stands for a black man... Wearing a

Actually, Billy, BMW stands for black man with a wife.

Marcus is married.

Oh. Well, that makes two of us.

You're not married. Or black.

Well, I hope to be both one day.

Or at least engaged with a tan.

Well, good luck with that.

Shaving cream? It's in the lower right -hand drawer, Marcus. Cool.

Anyway, how about that cash?

Or a check.

Hell, I'll take your watch.

Why don't you just take your ass down to your apartment, because I'm not lending

you any more money. Oh, fine. Then just give it to me. Come on, Dave. I know

you've got some cash stashed in those books. That is for emergencies, Billy.

not giving any money to an unemployed alcoholic who drinks all day. I don't

drink all day. You know, I also do coke.

Come on.

Can't you take a joke?

You're not really doing coke.

Oh, boy, you sober people just don't get the whole rhetorical thing, do you? No,

maybe not, but we do get electricity.

It was not my fault that the power went out, okay? It just must have been some

mix -up at the post office. It's one of those crazy mailmen probably pulled out

a newsie and shot up all my mail.

It's not the post office.

Mm -hmm. It's you.

Okay? You need help.

Seriously. Let me take you to a meeting. Yeah, because that'll get my lights

turned back on. I'm serious. Come on. Let's go right now. Hey, you know...

I know where the meetings are, and if I wanted to go, I would fucking well go.

So shut up. Now, are you going to give me the money or not?

It's a long story that I'm not going to bore you with.

Cool.

Listen, I had to move some of your points so I could move.

As long as you didn't move the blow -up doll, I'm cool.

Oh, her? No, but she seems surprised to see me, man.

Although I guess she always looks that way.

Hey, I hope I'm not putting you out. No.

No? Come on, not at all. You stay as long as you need to, all right?

How long is that?

Well, I don't know till me and Nancy work this out. Oh, yeah. Well, what are

talking about? A couple of days or a week? A week and a day? All right, I

you. I'm kidding.

You hang out here as long as you need to, honestly.

And I'm glad I could be here for you, and I'm glad that you turned to me

Actually, I didn't turn to you first.

I turned to some other friends. They didn't want to get involved, take sides,

you know what I'm saying?

Then you thought of me.

No, no. Then I found that letter you sent me.

And then you thought of me.

No. But then I read the letter.

And I thought, if this man hasn't taken his own life by now, he's got a strength

I need to tap into.

Tap away.

Just think of me as a keg of non -alcoholic strength.

Come on, come on, I'm a good listener.

No, I don't know, man. Listen, I may not be a relationship expert, not in the

sense that I can, you know, keep one myself, but what I lack in quality, I

always made up for in quantity.

All right, then take my advice, Dave.

Stay with quantity. Do not get married.

Consider it taken.

I lost a lot of things when I was drinking, man. The thing I regretted

most was your friendship.

You too, bro.

Although, I would like to get my BMW back.

You still mad about the car?

I love that car. That was a vintage car, man. Cart car. Give me the ball.

Hi, I'm Marcus.

I'm totally cute, totally cool, and totally out of your league.

Oh, you said that?

Well, not in so many words.

Actually, his wedding ring did all the talking.

My God, hate those chatty rings.

The last line of blow.

You know, I wish I didn't have to snort it so I could avoid that horrible

feeling of being out of coke.

Well, we'll figure out a way to get more.

Yeah, but that won't make the feeling go away.

See, as soon as I get that gram, I've taken that first hit.

I'm already seeing the bottom of the vial.

And I know that in a day or two, I'll be right back where I started, right back

to that moment where I'm looking at the last line of blow.

Fine, I'll do it. No, Christ, what are you, high?

Yeah? Yep.

Oh, well.

Waste not, want not.

And I certainly am wasted.

And unwanted.

Don't say that. No, it's true.

Oh, God.

You know what you got?

You got low self -esteem.

Gee, I wonder why that is. I mean, I wonder why it is that I don't like

See, I'm a drunken cokehead with no coke, no job, no rent money, no

No battery.

He said it was urgent. I got here as quickly as I could. Actually, I didn't

finish getting dressed. You look fully clothed to me.

No, you see, I'm not wearing any... How delightful.

Socks.

That's what I was thinking.

Thank you.

Not for wearing boots without socks, which is unhygienic, to say the least,

for getting here so quickly.

I'm going to take that as a compliment.

A little insult hidden on the inside.

It's like a fortune cookie of scorn, without the fortune or the cookie, just

scorn. Okay, so the urgency was?

Yes.

Oh, the reason for my call.

Billy is on her way over here, and she sounded desperate. Now, not just your

normal, I have no job, no friends, no money, desperate, but really and truly

desperate. That's good.

Well, if by good you mean horribly upsetting, then I agree. No, look, last

she was freaking out because they shut off her electricity.

And hopefully, after spending a night in the dark, she's finally hit her bottom.

Or her head.

Although that might solve some of her problems.

I've heard of people who are hit in the head and they are transformed into

lovely, compliant, drooling members of society.

Didn't sound quite right, did it?

Well,

we all are, but it's going to get better, I promise you that.

Excuse me for not sharing your optimism, but you said months ago that if we all

left her alone, she'd hit her bottom, but she didn't. And then when she was

fired from her job, you said that if I didn't help her, she'd hit her bottom,

but she didn't. She just keeps falling. I don't know what to do. Here's what you

do.

Nothing.

Fabulous advice.

Perhaps when I give her eulogy, I can quote that. Here lies Billy Frank.

She'd be alive today, but we did diddly squat.

Believe me, I know it's hard, but you can offer her support, you can take her

a meeting. Other than that, you just have to hold strong.

I'm not strong.

Best I can do is tip up a lip, and that's only because of the collagen. You

those lips and inform the word no.

You don't give her any money unless she's willing to go back into the

into rehab.

I can't promise that.

If you give her money, she's only going to spend it on drugs or liquor.

That's what alcoholics do.

Well, that's the difference between you and me. You see an alcoholic.

I see a little girl who used to sleep with me.

Gosh, if it's afraid of the dark.

Oh, hello there.

Are you looking at my things?

I was actually thinking that the condiments really bring out your eyes.

which condiment? The ketchup or the mustard?

Well, actually, the soy sauce on your skirt.

Well, you know what they say.

What do they say?

Well, if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you.

Fair enough.

They say you shouldn't judge a book by its cover.

Who's judging you? I am. I mean, it's a curse. I'm very judgmental.

You want to know what I think about you?

Do I have a choice?

Nope.

You are having problems with your wife, which is why you're staying at Dave's.

And you're on your way to see her now because you smell too good to be going

work.

See that?

You're not the only elevator -riding mind -reader in the building.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to catch a bus.

You mean a sharply -dressed little psychic like yourself rides a bus? Well,

car has a boot on it. At the moment.

I have a premonition you're going to get a ride.

You do?

Yes, I see you in a car driven by a man who smells too good to be going to work.

So where are you going?

My mom's in Westwood.

Although she always told me never to get in a car with a stranger.

Unless he has candy.

Oh, well, you are in luck.

I have lifesavers.

I have always depended on the candies of strangers.

Mom, you'll never get it.

Well, she probably will get through that one more.

Mom, stop doing drugs. And, you know, it's not because I ran out of money. I

don't buy that.

Mom, I joined the Peace Corps.

And I need some money to go to India to help poor people.

Okay, so I'm the poor one, but still.

I hate to interrupt, but perhaps you'd like to talk to yourself inside.

It's better you talk to me.

Yeah, well, I came to talk to you. That's what I wanted to hear.

Oh, good, because there's more.

I'm so relieved.

Come in.

Please tell me you just came from an audition from Carl's Jr.

I've just come from an audition for Carl's Jr.

Thank you. It feels so much better.

So, how are you?

Well, I've been better.

Actually, I'm having a few problems right now, and I really don't have

else to turn to.

Oh, I know, darling.

I can't go on like this. Of course you can't.

I'm so glad you understand.

What else are mothers for?

Well, for giving their favorite child a loan until she gets back on her feet.

Only about $2 ,500.

For rehab?

No, for rent.

To get the electricity turned back on and to get the boot taken off my car

and... You can drive yourself to meetings.

Oh, come on, Mom. I mean, I tried the program. I mean, it doesn't work for me.

Well, this isn't working for you either, darling. Whatever you had before is

better than this.

I mean, at least you were surrounded by people who cared about you. Well,

surrounded is a bit strong.

About a few.

There was that lovely biracial lesbian junkie. What's she doing now?

Decomposing, mostly.

Help me, darling.

You're very difficult to help.

Please, help me help you.

Mom, it's really simple.

Just give me some money.

I can't.

You'll only use it to buy more drugs than liquor. No, I won't.

I won't, I promise.

I promise.

Don't you believe me?

I believe in you.

But I don't believe you.

God, Mom, you don't know what I'm going through.

Yes, I do.

That's why I'm a wreck.

Every time I hear an ambulance go by, I'm sick with worry that you're inside

Mom, just... I'm not financing your habit.

I just told you I need rent. I need electricity.

I'm living in the dark.

If you live in the dark for a while, you'll see the light.

Mr., will someone be joining you? Yeah, my wife will be joining me in a minute.

I'll have a coffee. She'll have a vanilla latte.

Make sure it's nonfat because the lady can tell the difference. You got it.

Daddy, it's me, Billy.

Pick up.

Pick up, pick up, pick up. Come on, it's your only daughter.

It's your favorite daughter.

Your only broke daughter.

Come on, pick up the phone. Daddy, I need some money.

Can I please get the money back from that phone call?

What?

My address?

You're going to send me a check for 35 cents?

The loan costs 33.

Does anybody even watch wrestling?

Oh, nails him with the bone crusher.

That's going to leave a mark.

Hey, man, how'd it go?

Beg you to take it back?

Not in so many words.

Without words, that's good.

I like that. I like a woman who's silent or moaning.

Well, it was more quiet than moaning.

More like she wasn't there.

Not there is good, too. That's my third favorite. Silent, moaning, not there.

Anyone ever tell you you're involved?

No. No. Because you're not.

Maybe that's why.

And maybe that's why I don't have a wife who's begging me to come back.

Neither do I.

Oh.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

The quesadilla's soggy, the chips are stale, the salsa's watery.

We need some more. Ladies, happy hour has ended.

Oh, so not happy.

Yeah, me neither.

You know why?

Nobody cares about me.

Not even my own mother.

Yeah, all she can say is, go to meetings, go to rehab.

Yeah, look, my mother talks the same crap, too. Yeah, only you don't have to

listen to her talking in a fucking British accent.

Okay? Well, that's because I don't listen at all.

I decided a very long time ago not to let my family get me down.

Want to know what gets me down?

Happy hour being over.

Yeah.

Only now I get to go home to a dark apartment, bump into the furniture.

And I already bump into enough furniture being dropped.

So? Spend the night at my house.

I have plenty of electricity.

Yeah, but what do I do all the other nights?

I still won't have power.

Unless you have a three -mile -long extension cord.

You just worry too much.

You think?

Look, I'm on the luge to hell and I'm beating the Norwegian.

And what pisses me off the most is that every person I have has the money and

they won't give it to me unless I go back to the...

I guess I have no choice.

Dave?

What am I doing?

That's a good question.

What are you doing?

It isn't what it looks like.

So you're not stealing Dave's money?

No, not stealing.

Borrowing. Or, more accurately, visiting.

Hey, money. Long time no see.

You know people go to jail for visiting other people's money.

Yeah, I'll let myself out.

You let yourself in?

I need the key.

Key to my heart?

Key to the apartment.

And the money.

Look, please don't tell Dave, okay?

Don't tell him.

He'll hate me more than I... more than I hate myself, and that's a lot.

I won't.

Okay, thank you.

Which you'll always know.

That's okay. I do a lot of things I regret, but... This definitely has to go

the top of my list.

Hey, hey, hey, don't let those doors close! Come on, I know...

I'd feel convenient if God would just kill me right now.