Original subtitles

It was a rude awakening.

Started out the longest day. It was a rude awakening.

And now I've got to pay.

No matter where I go, somebody's got to see. I've got to see the basics I don't

know.

The last time I heard from you, the wheel was still in the testing phase.

I know.

We've been playing phone tag.

Oh, bullshit.

Your last words to me were, we'll do lunch. That was six years ago. Even

Flockhart doesn't wait that long between meals.

Forget her.

They're doing a return to Emerald Bluff TV movie, and they want you.

They want me back?

Yes. Maybe. We'll know that after the audition.

I have to audition?

Diana Gateway.

Until they fired you for boozing it up?

No, that is a lie. I got reprimanded for the booze. I got fired for the coke.

Besides, I'm sober now.

Well, that's what I told Colleen, your TV mum.

By the way, she's producing this.

Oh, no, no, no. My God, the last time I saw her, we got in a huge fight.

Big deal. You said a few things you regret.

So did Ilya Kazan, and they gave him an Oscar.

He only named names, okay? I choked the woman.

Listen. One week, Tony Dow and Jerry Mathers are bitch -slapping each other

boat show, and the next week, Still the Beaver pulls a 30 share. No one holds a

grudge when ratings are concerned.

Well, I hope you're right, because I've been having a rough time, and I really

haven't had anyone to talk to about it. That's great, sweetheart.

Gotta go. Knock them dead. Okay.

I am back!

Oh, God.

Shouting with a hangover. Bad.

Bad idea.

Just let me do well on this audition.

And if not, smite the other actresses so that I can get the part by default.

We'll turn off that damn music and turn left.

We can get a better view of the traffic jam from here.

And a better view of me if the sun is on my right. That's my best side, you

moron. I'd like to see your insides splattered on the windshield. Where's

sniper when you need one?

Stand up and hand me my makeup bag.

What do you mean?

Okay.

And get us out of this turbulence. I can't put on my lipstick.

It's because your mouth is always moving.

You're on in five seconds.

And keep your sorry ass plaid red shoulder out of my sight or I swear I'm

Hello, this is Juanita Wilson, Channel 3's cutie pie in the sky.

The 405 looks busy today. It's been an honor to be here.

Excuse me. I'm looking for someone.

Lucky someone.

Coffee? First cup is always free for beautiful ladies.

I never turn down free coffee, but I have to warn you, it takes more than one

cup to satisfy me.

I have a very big cup.

I'm Dave, by the way. I'm the owner.

I'm Juanita Wilson.

You're Channel 3's cutie pie in the sky. Yeah.

Man, you're even cuter on the ground. Yeah, but that doesn't rhyme.

So you work with my friend Milt. No, honey, Milt works with me.

Listen, he left us in the helicopter. Can you see that he gets it?

Yeah.

You know, he talks about you all the time. You are not what I expected.

Oh, the Juanita probably threw you off. Well, being black wasn't diverse enough

to get work in L .A., so Janet became Juanita.

I want your middle name, Chung.

Actually, it's Inga. I started in Minnesota.

No, wait, compared to Swedish? Oh, sure, you better.

Wow, I didn't know there were this many brunettes in Hollywood.

Oh, God.

I hate my pictures.

Who did your last headshots?

LAPD. They gave me front and side pose for only $2 ,000.

And they threw in a cavity search for free.

Oh, my God. It's the real Diana Gateway.

No, you mean the second Diana Gateway.

She was just my replacement.

Almost like a stand -in. At least I could stand. Although it wasn't easy in

those tiny little shoes I had with Phil.

Okay.

Really? Hi.

Well, I'm sorry. I'm so glad you could make it. Oh, hey, what would an Emerald

Bluff reunion be without Diana Gateway?

That's what I was just saying.

Goodbye, Tracy, and thanks again for that lovely fruit basket.

Oh, um, well, I brought you, uh, Tic Tacs.

Billy, this is Mary Wise, our casting director. Mary worked on the Ten

Commandments. Really?

Hey, can you do something about that adultery one?

Do you think adultery is funny, young lady?

Well, not as funny as murder, because that'll kill you.

I guess thou shalt not lose.

Okay, let's do this. Okay. Now you know that Diana's just returned home from New

York, and she's having a confrontation with her mother.

All right, here we go.

What do you know about the truth?

To you, the truth is like a beautiful dress that you only take out for special

occasions. But I wear the truth every day.

The truth is my bathrobe.

But, Mom.

You rolled it like a soap bubble.

Telling you the truth would have popped that soap bubble in your face.

But, Mom. What kind of mother would I be if I let soap get in your eyes?

What I did, I did for you, Diana.

But, Mom.

I think you've said enough.

That was fantastic.

Really? Are you sure? Because I can do it another way.

Huh? Oh, no, no, no. You were perfect.

So much more depth and nuance than you had six years ago.

I guess bitterness and disillusionment will do that for you.

Thinking of starting a workshop.

Oh.

Dave, you got any aspirin? Oh, yeah, man. I got aspirin. I got adenoprofen. I

got Tylenol. And a dead cockroach who no longer has a headache.

Oh, man, I'm hurting. Juanita had me prompting and twisting to stay out of

camera range all day. I feel like a pretzel. You know, there's a sexual

technique called the pretzel. It's a lot of fun. Of course, the salt sort of

stings. But speaking of twists, you'll never guess who was here today. I hope

the health department.

Thankfully, no.

But here's a hint.

She brought you this.

Juanita was here? Yes, and she's coming back later because we're going out

tonight. No, no, no, you're not. Oh, yes, we are.

And if I play my card right, I'm going to get me a piece of that cutie pie.

You listen to me, Dave.

What? You don't want any part of Juanita. Actually, there are several

Juanita that I want. Shall I list them for you alphabetically or anatomically?

She's demanding.

She's high maintenance. She's manipulative. You forget that I used to

Frank. Son, going from Billy Frank to Juanita is like jumping from the frying

pan into the fire and then getting hit by that frying pan over and over and

again. So you're saying she can cook, too?

Man. You date Juanita, she'll start hanging around here, and I'll come here

get away from her. Would you stop worrying, okay? I'm not going to let a

come between us unless, of course, she's into it.

Man, if trouble was north, your dick would be a compass.

That's why I never get lost in the bush.

All right, it's time to get started, people. Anybody want to share?

No one else?

All right, come on up.

Hi, I'm Billy, and I'm an alcoholic.

I'm Billy. Well, I know you've all been following my career, which has been hard

because I haven't had one. But guess what?

I am starring in the reunion of Emerald Bluff!

That's great!

I really turned my life around and get me back on the wagon.

What?

Oh, the acting wagon, I mean.

Oh. that the acting pioneers came in when they traveled west, you know, in an

attempt to placate the red man with amusing skits, which bombed, you know,

probably because of the language barrier.

And so the acting pioneers got the Indians drunk, which only caused more

problems, so they took the alcohol away, hence the phrase, on the wagon.

I mean, you people should know this.

Hope you like my apartment. It's got an incredible view of the city. Dave, I

ride around in a traffic helicopter all day.

Well, you just better prepare yourself for some very skillful merging.

Well, you've got the right of way, and honey, I'm ready to yield.

Good morning, Mel.

Oh, when the sun comes up, it's going to be a beautiful day.

Isn't it, Mel?

Yeah.

Well, you can leave that on. I can? Yeah.

All right, what happened to Juanita? Did a house fall on her? Haven't you ever

seen a woman in a good mood?

Sure I have, but not you.

Have you ever met someone that you knew would really change your life?

Oh, yeah, the head of the draft board.

I'm talking about your friend Dave. We went out last night and it was bad.

Why haven't you ever mentioned him?

Because you're always telling me to shut up.

Well, those days are old.

Does that mean I can sit up straight with the camera now? Don't push it, hon.

Right.

Hey, how's my favorite sister?

Oh.

Well, I don't know. You tell me.

Well, yeah, even better than I remember.

But most of those years are a blank.

Yeah, but you do remember having sex with me in the forest.

We had sex in a forest?

Well, we fooled around on the astroturf on stage four, but I like to think of it

as a forest.

I'm sorry, but you know what they say, a tie stick a day keeps the memories

away.

I can't believe you still get stoned and you are on a top ten show.

Well, why do you think they call it Bel -Air High?

Wow. This is so weird being back here again. It's like nothing's changed.

In fact, I think I recognize that sandwich.

Oh, speaking of old and crusty, Linda and Colleen are still arguing over who

more lines. Oh, in the script or on their faces.

Yeah.

There they are.

So wonderful to have everybody back.

Yeah.

Unfortunately, those infomercials haven't improved Linda's acting ability.

That's right. She sells the cap blaster.

Oh, I guess all the good body parts were taken.

So we'll just have to carry her like we did in the old days.

Let's hope she's still anorexic.

Linda, you look fabulous. Oh, well, that's because I get a little help from

revolutionary new product called the Calf Blaster.

The cameras aren't running, sweetie. My calves are like cannonballs.

Much like your tits. You want to feel them?

Your tits?

No, silly, my calves.

Oh, oh, maybe later.

Dear Colleen, I was so sorry to hear about your son's arrest. I'm sure those

awful transvestites made the whole thing up.

Oh, and I was so sorry to hear that they didn't want you on match game. But you

know America just loves Judy Tenuta.

Oh, don't be sorry.

Too much work can cost you your marriage, as you well know.

No, I used the time to take a Mediterranean cruise with my adoring

Oh, good for you. I understand that sea air is wonderful for wrinkles.

Unlucky for you, there are six more Cs.

Well, I'm thinking of a word that starts with C.

Oh, well, I guess I better get back on the set. After all, I am the producer.

One of 13.

Put it down.

Isn't it sad how she just clings to that pathetic little credit?

Yeah, but I'm really glad you hired me back after all the trouble I caused.

Honey, you were never a problem. You were just a high -spirited child.

Well, it was the high and the spirits that caused the problems.

None of that matters now. We're all a family here. We love and support each

other.

Linda, Colleen says she wants you on the set now.

Fuck Colleen. I'll be there when I'm ready.

Careful, you'll get that Klingon vein on her forehead bulging. Uh -oh. Ooh,

yeah, well, maybe I'd better go.

It's not good for people of her age to get agitated.

You kids have fun.

Don't get into any mischief.

Oh.

Bye -bye.

Come, come.

Remember she told us that right before we TP'd her dressing room?

I can't believe you remember that and you can't remember fucking me on the

AstroTurf. Geez, let it go.

You know, I do remember us drinking together. Oh, no.

Brian, I don't do that anymore.

Okay. I've got some blow in my dressing room. No, no, no. I don't do any of that

anymore. Drinking, drugs, fun.

Well, then I guess doing shrooms at Disneyland is out of the question. Look,

Brian, this is my big chance, okay? I just don't want to screw it up again.

But you still want to screw me, right? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, let's go.

Big D!

My man!

If it wasn't for my homophobia, I would jump over this counter and give you a

kiss. If it wasn't for mine, I'd kiss you back.

Life is good again, and it's all thanks to you.

Because you worked your magic on Juanita.

Call me David Cockerfield.

Lookie here.

I want you to take her someplace nice tonight, because tomorrow I'm going to

to leave early. Listen, I gotta talk to you about Juanita, man, because I... I

don't think I'm gonna see her again.

What? Oh, hey, man, you've got to keep seeing her. My happiness depends on it.

Oh, but you were right about her, man. She criticized my hair, my clothes, and

my apartments.

Okay, well, cut your hair, change your clothes, and I'll clean your apartment.

No, you were the one who said she was demanding.

I mean, she was a perfectionist. You said she was manipulative. She's good

her hands.

You made your bed.

Now you have to perform in it. Milk, our personalities do not match, okay?

You know, you can't have sex 24 hours a day, although God knows I gave it one

hell of a try.

Gabe. What? You've got to make this work. What do you want me to do? You

to spend the rest of my life with her?

No, no, no. Just until I retire. Those eight years will fly right by.

I cannot spend any more time with this girl, okay? Not unless I started

again. Oh, well, as your sponsor, I have to say, I'll buy the first round.

Just kidding. Just kidding.

Just kidding!

God, what if I can't act anymore?

Nobody on this fucking show can act. Just relax.

You know, you're sweating like a network exec during sweeps. It's hot flashes. I

must have caught menopause from Colleen and Linda.

Sit down. I know exactly what will calm your nerves. Here.

No, no, no.

Look, I just...

Get through the day without drinking.

Why? Is there a prize at the end? Sort of. At the end of the day, I'll know I

didn't drink.

Uh -huh. And you'll get a trophy with a big boring guy on the top of it? Come

on. Just have a little sip.

Maybe I'll just taste it, but not swallow.

Yeah.

Now I remember you from the AstroTurf.

Yes.

Go ahead. Five, four, three, two.

Mm -hmm.

Better?

Hi, Juanita. Now, how are you doing tonight?

Shut up and turn off that damn music. And when that camera comes on, I don't

even want to see your shadow.

Shadow? It's nighttime.

I don't need you to tell me what time it is. All I need you to do is fly me over

the damn traffic.

Why don't you use your broom?

Oh, Billy.

You think those Brady kids ever got it on during their reunions?

I was at a West Hollywood orgy once with Peter and Cindy.

They just watched.

I'm glad we're not like those losers.

Want more of that?

Why not?

You know, when I was drinking, my life sucked. And as soon as I started

again, I got the call for this job.

Maybe if I start smoking crack, I'll get a movie deal.

But alas, it's just a pipe dream.

Yeah. Billy, Ryan, we need you both in five minutes.

I'm ready now.

How do I look?

Great, but don't you think you're forgetting something?

Nope. I wrote my lines on my hand.

Billy. Hey, Billy.

You forgot your shirt.

This is Juanita Wilson, your cutie pie in the sky, reminding you to shift into

friendly.

What the hell do you think you're doing? Get your ass back down there. Yeah, but

the camera's off. No one can see me.

I can.

Look, I got to sit up, or else I'll be known as the hunchback of Channel 3.

Quit whining.

There are people in the world with real problems.

Yeah, well, I'd trade faces with any of them right now. There are a lot worse

things than a sore back, like a bruised ego.

I thought Dave and I had something special.

Oh, man.

Come on, don't do that.

Look, Dave's not that great here.

Did you know he steals cables?

I know he stole my heart, my milk.

Why are men so intimidated by strong women?

I mean, what do they want from us?

I can't speak for all men, but personally, I prefer a woman who doesn't

up all the time.

I know you wouldn't understand. Just shut up and fly east.

Tonight on Hard Copy, UFOs in L .A. Hundreds of people claim they've been

abducted from their own homes.

That shit is so ridiculous.

let's try this again. Take seven.

Mirrors down, ladies.

And action.

Kendra, this is no way to treat family.

Back off, Ashley. These are my children.

Uh, wrong, Mom. We're not children anymore.

We're adults now.

Yeah, we're self -sufficient.

Self -sufficient?

Uh, okay, right away.

from the end of Ryan's line. Yep.

And action.

We're not children anymore.

We're adults now.

Yeah, we're self -sufficient.

like any of you have dates lined up.

Billy, we have to get... What, what, what?

We have to get this shot before six.

Bel Air High needs Ryan to work tonight. Yeah, my character finds out that he's

adopted.

Very special episode.

Billy, sometimes I find that taking a deep breath helps me remember my line.

Really? I find taking a deep breath helps me snort my line.

Okay, we're going to go from Ryan's line, take 20, and...

This is the one.

Action.

We're not children anymore.

We're adults now.

Yeah, we're self -sufficient.

Yes, I fucking rock!

Cut. What?

Billy, Billy, you moved out of camera range.

What? The cameras don't have wheels on them. Here's an idea. Get a goddamn...

me that you are drunk oh it is not that obvious i mean i mean i'm acting aren't

i supposed to be drunk in the scene no well i should be who wrote this shit i

did i mean shit in a good way as in this is some good shit

boy billy you know i'm really sorry but i'm gonna have to fire you again oh no

come on can't you just ground me or send me to my room without dinner

Believe this. I have no choice.

Oh, come on. I thought you said that we were family, Colleen. Oh, we are.

We're family with security guards.

Oh, yes. Well, you know, if they're guarding your talent, they're doing a

-poor job because somebody done stole it.

You little bitch. You'll never work in this town again.

Oh, please. That's what you said six years ago, and I've clocked in a good

a day, baby.

Billy, you're embarrassing yourself.

I'm embarrassing myself?

She's wasted.

Besides, next season they're making me a teacher.

I will pray for you, Billy.

No. Pray for your own career, Miss Pathmaster.

It's cast blaster, you little drunk.

And it's a very good product.

Oh.

Could you throw me out the North Gate? Because at least there's grass out

What are you doing, man? She's not with you. No.

No, man, you can relax.

I found the solution to the Juanita problem.

Yeah, does this solution involve a wedding cape with a biracial couple on

top? No. This afternoon, I cleaned out my helicopter and I quit.

Jesus, no, I'm sorry. Don't be. I put up with Juanita for too long.

Sometimes you can't see the truth until it's reflected on a 12 -story window.

Oh, yeah, that flyby?

You know, poor Daryl next door, he thought you guys were the feds. He

his entire stash down the toilet.

Yeah, well, he's better off and so am I. And I'm free and happy. We both are.

And I'm never going to ignore your advice about women again.

Yeah, right.

If you were Pinocchio, I would be picking splinters out of my eye right

I know you're in there. I can see you.

God, she's back.

before she ever let you on the set again.

Oh, thanks for trying.

You're sweet.

And you don't look too old to be in high school.

In fact, I'd go to the prom with you. Yeah?

Or just, you know, let you tear my dress off in the back of the limousine.

I'll remember that.

Actually, I probably won't.

I can't believe I blew it again. What's it going to take for me to turn things

around?

A different agent?

No, it's not.

And I never thought I'd say this. It's not my agent. It's me.

You know, I had a shot at getting my career back, and all I had to do was not

drink, but I drank anyway.

Yeah, well, listen, if it makes you feel any better, this crappy movie would not

have helped your career.

How would that make me feel any better? I don't know. I'm fucked up.

Yeah, how do you do it? I mean, how do you keep your job?

I guess I'm talented enough to pull it off.

Probably another thing that doesn't make you feel better. I'm sorry.

Maybe next year they should make you a guidance counselor.

Ryan, there you are.

Oh.

Don't feed the animal.

How else will they become self -sufficient?

What do you do, just hang out waiting for people to be fired?

A girl's got to eat.

Speaking of which, Ryan, I could use your help to rehearse in the bar.

Duty calls.

Take care of yourself.

You were always my favorite.

Bye.

Are you accepting applications?