Original subtitles

Hey, no matter where I go, somebody's got to see. I got to see the basics.

I don't know any way.

Where will I find someone who understands?

Sure, I screwed up. I had a few drinks.

Like, nine.

That's a few. I mean, who's going to argue?

No one, because I'm talking to myself.

Hey, Nabi!

Hey, man,

right here. Best seat in the house.

Babe, are you blind?

Billy here. She's got the best seat in the house.

I believe you. Thank you, Nabi.

You see, Dave, that's why he's a rock star, and you serve coffee.

Oh, that reminds me. I got you a special latte.

It's called a David Chino. Cheers, baby.

Yeah, joy. Why don't you just cut a hole in the chair so that you can kiss his

ass all the way through the meeting?

Okay, it's time, people.

All right, people.

People, come on, people.

Last call.

Somehow I knew that would get your attention.

Uh, is there anyone here with less than 30 days sober?

Hi, I'm Nobby and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, I'm Nobby.

And today I am 29 days sober and proud of it.

People leave a rock darkened face sober and I can't.

People literally throw drugs at him. He has to duck to stay sober.

I wouldn't duck. I'd be like a field at Marine Land.

No, I don't know. I hate that rock stars.

Crick in my neck. Except Meatloaf. Quite like him.

Anyway, tonight's my first concert since I quit drinking.

And I feel like a virgin.

Fortunately, I had three waiting in the car.

So I'd like to thank you all folks and party on!

As much as we're allowed to, which is not very much at all.

Hey, I've got to get a new closer.

Is there anyone else with a burning desire to share?

How do we use the word burning?

Or desire?

Although I've had desires that led to burning and itching and the need for an

ointment.

You see, it's not always good to share.

Anyway, I'll stay busy tonight till I stay sober, and then I'll share

Dave? Hey.

How'd you like to take me out tonight and spend a lot of money on me?

Well, you know, if I'm going to spend a lot of money on a woman, it's going to

be a profession.

Well, if you want to pay, then I'll charge you.

Thank you, dear, but no, I'm going to go home. I've got to work on step ten. Oh,

but isn't that the step where you take me out and spend a lot of money on me?

No, no. That is the step where you examine the things that you have done

and you promptly admit them. Wait a minute. What are you accusing me of?

Nothing. What are you talking about? Nothing. Why are you acting so weird?

you been drinking or something?

Of course not. My God.

Then stop acting so defensive. I'm not acting defensive. Uh -huh.

Odd that you should be alone tonight.

Huh?

Why don't you go ask Maureen if she's busy?

Please, I would rather stick needles in my eyes.

Actually, I'd rather stick them in her eyes. What are you, on the rack?

No, I hate Maureen all month.

Why don't you go to a meeting, okay? There's a very cool one over at the

tonight. Hey, yeah, maybe that's what I'll do.

Maybe I'll teach deaf kids to think.

Goodbye. Bye.

Hey, Dave, Dave, Dave.

Would you do me a big favor and come with me to my concert tonight?

Oh, thanks, man, but I got to do some program stuff.

You can do your homework on the way.

I'll take you in the limo.

Is this the limo with the jacuzzi and the naked groupies? Well, if you want a

small one, yeah. Of course, we'd have to drain some of the water out before we

hit the road, but I would like to see those groupies at low tide.

Hey, you can see them tied anywhere you want.

Hey!

What are you guys doing tonight?

Oh, really? A Davy and Goliath marathon?

Oh, no, I'm a huge claymation fan. It's just I don't watch the Christian channel

much, being a Jew and all.

Now, you see, we don't control all the media.

Hello?

That's good. That is a good thing because the last thing I need right now

have a drink.

Actually, the last thing I need is to be hit by a car or a baseball bat or

lightning. The point is, I do not need to be hit.

But if I did have to get hit, I'd rather be drunk because it would hurt less.

Wait a minute.

Maybe that's why I drink.

Yeah, I mean, I'm not really an alcoholic. I just, you know, I'm

Oh, my God. I need a meeting.

Okay.

And a facial.

This is so great, man. I usually have to spend $5 .95 to see this other space

job. I'm so glad you're here, Dave.

I've got to tell you, I'm a little bit nervous about performing sober. I mean,

everything seems so in focus.

What comes after freezies?

I don't know. I never got that lucky.

In my experience, a thousand pennies fill it.

Come on, Nobby. You're going to be great, man. You've been doing this

right? I mean, not that you're that old, but let's face it. Most of the rock

stars your age are dead.

Dave, you're not helping.

You're on, Nobby.

Break a leg. Don't you mean break a hip?

Nobby, you're going to be great. You're Nobby Clank.

Right? Yeah.

On Nobby Clank.

Rock on!

Obviously, I'm not ready to rock.

Well, at least you left them wanting more.

Look, I told you you can't run another tap until you pay off your last three.

That's blackmail.

No, it isn't. I expect me to run a business if my customers never pay me.

don't come running to me with your financial problems.

You're my accountant.

Wow. Is it young and sexy in here, or is it just me?

It's just you.

Good to see you, Billy.

Irish coffee?

You remembered.

After the first thousand, I finally thank you.

Well, thanks, but no thanks. I'm on my way to an Addictions Anonymous meeting,

but I got hungry, and everyone knows you have the best burgers here.

Here? I didn't know you served food. I wouldn't call it food.

I went to Addictions Anonymous once. I thought they were assholes.

Yeah, you think everyone's an asshole. I do not. I like you, Joe.

I'm still not letting you run a tab, asshole.

I really miss these great bar conversations.

Joe, I'd like to buy that young lady a drink.

With cash, if I must.

Well, no, that is so sweet of you, but I can't. Okay.

Although, it would be rude of me not to accept. I mean, how often is it that a

guy like you gets to buy a drink for a girl like me?

All right, so what's the verdict?

Oh, God.

What should I do?

Um, well, they say in the program I'm supposed to follow God's will, so I'll

him decide. I'll flip for it. Oh.

In God we trust.

That's so right here.

So, heads I drink, tails I don't.

Thank God.

Amen. Well, there is coffee. It's coming up.

Okay.

God, it was horrible. I felt like everyone was looking at me. Well, they

You're a rock star. Yeah, but even rock stars need privacy.

God, at your own concert, Dave, I couldn't even remember the words to

I must have seen that song a million times.

So am I. Because she's got nothing up her sleeve and nothing in her head. But

when it comes to turning tricks, she's a master of the band.

Baby's got a magic heart.

Baby's got a magic heart.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I'm not singing that crap, but that crap went platinum, man.

I know that you're afraid to go out there sober, but remember, in the

we learn to face our fears. How would you know? Have you ever performed in

of 50 ,000 streaming fans?

No, but I was a pumpkin in our first great Thanksgiving pageant. It was very

well attended.

Sadly, I wet myself.

Join the crowd. Look, look, just go out there and picture your audience naked.

Huh? Have you ever seen my audience?

Half of them are fucking naked. Well, then go out there and picture them in

clothes on.

That is 50 ,000 different outfits. I can't do it.

There's every reason to be scared, okay, with the spotlights and the fans and

the boys and all the people and the money. Everybody's counting on you.

I'm sorry. I'm just saying it's going to be fine. You are? Because I'm not

getting that at all!

Aren't you worried one of those Addictions Anonymous people are going to

you here?

That's the beauty of it. They don't go into bars.

Really?

Oh, my God. What are you doing here?

I just came to use the phone. How about you?

Oh, I just came in here to play pinball.

You know, I can give up the drinking, but not that pinball machine.

That's a cigarette machine.

I guess that explains why I never get a free ball.

No, but the real reason I came in is because they have the greatest burgers

here. Here? I didn't know they served food.

Is yours coffee?

Oh, no, no, no.

I said I wished I had coffee.

Give it up, Billy.

You're so busted.

How about you, Maury, another gin and tonic?

Oh, oh, another gin and tonic? Look who's talking. I mean, I haven't even

sip and you're having yet another gin and tonic.

Well, girl, then you better hurry up.

Okay.

I flipped you.

But I am going to share tomorrow. I just wanted one day sober.

So you came to a bar?

Um, I like a challenge.

Okay, look.

As long as you're going to share tomorrow, what's the difference if you

once or twice?

That's true.

I guess once you lose your virginity to the quarterback, you might as well fuck

the rest of the team. Hey, that's what I did. I'm the visiting team. Thank you.

Hey, don't forget the mascot, because, baby, he'll never forget me.

Thank you.

So, then, let's eat, drink, and be merry.

Oh, forget about the eating. Food here sucks.

I didn't know they served food. I didn't know we were talking to you.

So then let's just drink, drink, and be merry.

Okay. And tomorrow we'll share.

Okay. We'll be like share buddies.

Good. That'll make it easier to go back, because, you know, I really do believe

in the program.

Oh, me too.

Love that program.

To sobriety.

To sobriety.

I'll drink to that.

That first.

Remember,

DC, your fans are out here, man. They love you.

That doesn't sound like nothing to me. Well, I would take that as more of a

general criticism. Don't take it personally.

I'm drunk at night with George Michael and I never let you forget it. At least

they're not throwing things, right?

I'm not saying they're not.

Oh, man, I'm sorry.

It's my fault the fans are throwing things at you. This isn't from the fans.

Derek threw me into a dumpster.

Then he told me to get you back out on stage or he was going to cut off my

balls. Who's Derek?

He's my manager.

That's nice.

Marvin, what are you doing?

Get out there. I can't.

I cannot go out there sober.

You're sober.

I can't leave you alone for a minute.

Tell Brian to play a drum solo till Nobby's drunk enough to perform.

Hurry up and drink this. No, no, you don't understand. Drinking is not an

obstacle to Nobby.

Who is this shitfuck?

This is Dave.

He's my sponsor from Addictions Anonymous.

Addictions Anonymous.

So now you're in a cult.

It's not a cult. It's a program for people who have problems drinking.

I've got a problem with you. Where do I go? Shitfucks Anonymous? Let me tell

you. Nobby's never had a problem with his drinking. No problems at his last

performance. He insulted the crowd, he vomited on the speakers, and he set a

fire. Lots of rock stars do that!

At the White House? I'm not proud of it, all right?

Nobby, your fans are counting on you. Fuck the fans.

For a show?

There isn't gonna be a concert unless you take a drink.

You try handing him that bottle one more time, I'm gonna shove it up your ass.

I wouldn't try that. I have a black belt in karate.

That doesn't scare me.

I have a gun.

You must be a pretty shitty black belt if you have to carry a gun.

And why am I taunting a man with a gun?

Mr. Schiff, up to you.

Hey, Vic.

How about you buy me a drink?

Will you talk to me then?

No.

Okay.

Hey, buy me one. I won't talk to you either.

Yeah, make it a double. We won't even look at you.

Two drinks for the lovely lady.

They don't know it. But when they say they're not talking to me, they're

to me.

Billy, I got to tell you, you are so much more fun when you drink.

You are kind of mean sober.

Oh, come on. That's because you usually see me at meetings. I hate that they're

a little depressing.

I mean, my clothes alone.

I know what you mean.

I don't understand. Just because you're an alcoholic doesn't mean you got to

dress like a farmer.

Please, I'd throw most of them off my bottom.

You have farm.

I do? You said you did.

I gotta get up early.

Well, I don't. Where's my drink?

Yeah, where's mine? And screw the crops.

I screwed a cop wants to get out of a ticket.

Tickets to where?

You can't wear a ticket. What?

Geez, you are so lucky I'm looking out for you. Oh, yeah?

Well, you're lucky I'm looking out for you too, baby.

Good. Now we can keep each other from drinking too much. Hey.

You know, we can be like each other's drinking sponsors.

Hey.

Drinking sponsors.

Drinking sponsors.

Another first.

Dave, I'm telling you, if my fear doesn't make me take a drink, then this

-minute drum solo certainly will. Just, you know, hang in there. I'll be hanging

in there. Milt said he'd be here any minute. He's going to know what to do.

Well, I hope Milt can sing.

No, but I can play a mean horn.

Thank God you're here. Now I'd be scared to go on stage sober.

That's why I keep saying take a fucking drink.

It's the manager.

Anyway, now, if it's a choice between this show and your sobriety, cancel the

show. My God, am I the only sane person in this room?

Milt, I've spent my whole life on sex, drugs, and rock and roll.

I've given up the drugs.

Now I've lost the rock and roll. And without those, I don't know how much sex

I'm going to get. Well, you've convinced me I'm poor.

No, you won't. Don't touch me. I'm a black belt in karate.

I'm a black man in Los Angeles.

I have a gun.

No, you don't. If you did, you'd be flashing it and not talking about it.

The audience just took this guy hostage and they're about to light him on fire.

Which is ironic because he just gave up smoking.

See what happens when you give shit up?

Man, this has gone far enough.

Look, I appreciate what you two guys are trying to do, but I...

I've got to have some booze. You've got enough booze which you could use as some

applause. No, you don't need that enough. All right, don't do it. Don't do

Howdy. Do it. Please.

I can't. It's strong.

Why can't I take a drink?

Because you're reacting the way you should to a substance that will kill

Yeah, because you're working the program God's taken away your ability to drink.

Yeah, and my ability to perform.

No, he hasn't. You need to pray.

Milk. I'm not really big on religion. If I wanted to go down on my knees and

have an old man put something in my mouth, I would have returned Mick

phone calls. Now, prayer works, whether you believe in God or not.

Dave, how the hell am I going to remember prayers when I can't even

words to my own songs?

Well, I know a simple version of the seminary prayer.

Oh, yeah? Well, what's that then?

What? Oh, come on, be serious, Milt. What is it? That's it. That's the

What?

Well...

It's been a long time since I've been in church. If you say fuck it, you're

giving everything over to a higher power.

All you're responsible for is the effort. The results are out of your

Yeah? Yeah.

All right.

Fuck it.

Fuck it.

Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it.

Fuck it.

Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it.

Hold on a second. You've got to look far before.

I have an idea. What?

We can do it tonight.

Mm -hmm. Let's get really fucked up. Oh.

Oh, wait. I have an idea.

Karaoke.

I think somebody invented that.

No. No, no, no.

I'm going to do it.

before I get to my apartment.

I was about for a...

Why did you let the elevator door close to my face?

I pushed the wrong button. I can never remember if the little arrows are

supposed to point toward each other or away from each other.

Can you?

Well, yeah.

Anyway, I wanted to tell you about Navi's concert. It was incredible.

Okay, good night.

I didn't tell you anything yet.

Oh, it seemed like you did.

What is going on with you? Where were you tonight?

Oh, I went to that meeting you told me about.

Oh, yeah? At the derby? Was it cool? Did you see my friend Terry?

Yeah, he's a real card.

Well, Terry's a woman.

So? I mean, can't a woman be a card?

God, you're sexist.

What? Look, you know what? I'm not going to sit here and listen to you bad

-mouthed women all night. Good night.

Okay, so I screwed up.

Again.

But I'm back, and that's what counts.

Hey. Oh, gosh.

How are you feeling?

I think I spent the night in a washing machine with a dead cat.

You? Oh, I wish I felt that good.

Are we sharing today?

Absolutely. I mean, that's why it's down on the aisle.

All right. Race you to the podium.

I'm going to buy someone a drink.

Kidding.

Bad joke.

Okay, guys.

Today's a great day for me because one of my sponsors is getting his 30 -day

chip. I guess it's a pretty good day for him, too. Not so good for Seagram's.

Anyway, Navi.

Clegg, come on down here. It's a 30 -day trip.

Ladies, keep your underwear on. This is Fred.

30 days!

Let's hear it for Dave on the podium. Oh, thank you.

And on the egg primer, Milt.

Wow. I've got to tell you that last night I did my first concert sober.

Here we go again. I'll be so great. Blah, blah, blah.

So I finally did a show that I can remember.

Unfortunately, I forgot most of the words, but no one seemed to notice.

So I thought, well, fuck it.

So, thanks to my sponsor, Dave, and my grand sponsor, Milt, I've got my 30 -day

chip and a chance to live the rest of my life the way my children can be proud

of, wherever they are.

Thank you.

Would anybody else like to share?

Anybody?

Tomorrow