Original subtitles

No matter where I go, somebody's got to see. I've got to see the face because I

don't know any way.

Where will I find someone who understands?

Neverland.

Planning on getting up today or ever? Just curious. No pressure.

I'm already up.

Captain Cock wants to say hi.

I have nothing more to say to him.

Hi, Billy.

Hi, Captain Cock.

Permission to come aboard?

Permission denied.

You need a shower.

Come on. They don't say that on Star Trek.

Yeah, well, they should. Trust me. DeForest Kelly tried to hug me once.

all my clothes are dirty. You know, there's no point in taking a shower if

you're going to get into dirty underwear.

I know of a place.

Just two floors down where the clean underwear flows like wine. It is a

land called your apartment.

I can't go down there where Jackie came and say it. Good, because I don't want

to hear it or think about it. Although, technically speaking, I can't stop

thinking about it, but I would really like to. I think not thinking about it

not helping. Don't you think?

Did you not hear me say I don't want to hear about it? And if not, are you

hearing me now?

Where are you going?

To work.

That's very funny.

It's 8 o 'clock. I mean, it's time to go to work. That's what people do. I mean,

well, that's what I've seen them do on TV anyway.

Well, I've seen them cook on TV, too. I've never seen you do that. So what's

breakfast? That is between you and your waitress. Let's go.

No, I don't want to go.

Well, you know what, then?

Since we've been spending so much time together, maybe we should just take our

relationship to the next level.

Really?

No, I'm just trying to scare you out of here.

Normally that would work, you know. I would make such a mad dash for the front

door, you'd see a little cloud of dust behind me. But now I'm seriously

considering asking you to marry me just so I don't have to go home.

That is the worst proposal I've ever gotten, and the answer is yes.

Great. Okay.

You hire the rabbi, and I'll put on 50 pounds.

I know you're scaring me, okay, but I still can't leave.

Where are you going? I can't even believe you're going to work.

Come on. Look, Jackie is dead, and there's nothing we can do to bring her

We just have to accept that she's gone.

It's only been five days.

I know, but it seems like longer with you being here. And look, what I'm

to say is, let's make a baby.

Okay, I'll race you to the door.

On your mark, let's say goodbye.

Bye.

What do you mean you're getting your breasts reduced?

Read the contract. Okay, section 36, paragraph D clearly states, the

shall supply breasts no bigger than a watermelon and no smaller than a

Look, when we hired you to be perky, we weren't talking about your attitude.

Okay, bye.

Oh, morning, boss.

Who are you?

You look just like the girl who works the afternoon shift.

Well, since there's no business like show business, I decided to show up

I wasn't sure you'd show up at all after what happened to your friend.

Hey, why stay at home weeping when I could be here filing? I mean, I take

over weeping any day, except when I get my finger caught in the drawer and then

I do both.

Are you sure you're all right? Yeah, I'm fine. I just decided, you know, since I

have this addictive behavior, I might as well become a workaholic.

Great. Call me your enabler. You can start by going to the set, picking up

union contracts, bringing them back and filing them. Already done?

I even alphabetized them in alphabetical order.

Oh, and I came up with a new slogan for our Dracula poster.

Flacula, unmotivated, unemployed, undead.

Not bad.

What else you got for me? Oh, well, Jody and props quit because you called her a

whore. You'd think she could take some constructive criticism.

Well, she couldn't, but she did take all of our fake blood because she wanted to

leave you a message on the parking lot.

Sid, you're the whore.

I can't believe she spelled my name wrong. Yeah, I've been meaning to go

there and change the I to a Y, but she used up all the blood. All 60 gallons?

Well, so you could see it from here.

We need that blood for the big blood scene.

You can't make a vampire movie without blood. Otherwise, the vampire would just

be giving people hickeys, and hickeys don't make you immortal.

If they did, I'd look a lot younger. I'll say.

I mean, I'm on it.

Drop in when I'll call you.

Hey, man, I've been thinking about Jackie. I was wondering if we could just

talk. Sure, come on in.

Oh,

man, looks like this is going to be one of those long talks.

Unless there's a hotel guide in there. No, just a lot of dirty underwear.

Thanks, I have my own.

I can't go back to my apartment.

Since Jackie died, I feel really alone.

Oh, man, you're not alone. You got friends.

Friends will let me stay with them.

Oh, now, what about your family or the bus station? I hear it's lovely this

of year.

Okay. Come on, man. I'm just kidding.

You know you're welcome to stay here.

Thank you. But you got to be quiet at night because I hit the sack at 8 o

'clock. 8 o 'clock? What are you, 4?

No, that's what time I get up to go to work.

It means the people count on our traffic report. It's a big responsibility.

Much like being a doctor or a nurse.

People you'll be seeing a lot of if you disturb my sleep.

Okay, I'm sorry. As soon as you go to sleep, I'll just watch TV.

Which TV?

If I wanted something 52 inches wide constantly nagging me to buy something,

would have stayed with my ex -wife.

52 inches?

No wonder you pulled the plug.

No, listen, you won't even notice I'm here. In fact, why don't you just do

you were going to do if I wasn't here?

Actually, this is when I usually meditate.

Well, that's funny, because this is when I usually masturbate.

Which is ironic, because you're trying to hear the sound of one hand clapping,

and I'm used to hearing the sound of one hand... Dave, Dave, I get the irony.

Yeah.

Oh,

man. Oh.

I'm gonna kick your ass if you don't put that cigarette out.

I'm sorry.

All right, we cool?

No, that's my zen garden!

This is a garden?

Milt, you've got to water this. It looks like sand.

Hey,

hey, hey, hey. Get back to work. I'm not paying you to sit on your ass. I'm an

intern. You're not paying me at all.

Oh, good. Then I don't know you severance paying. You're fired.

The budget meeting was a disaster.

Turns out we can't afford any more things.

I guess we're going to have to file down some teeth.

So, how's it going here? Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news. The

good news is the vampire capes arrived. The bad news is they're flammable and

Jim the stuntman's in the hospital.

The good news is he's willing to play our zombie. But the bad news is only

actors can play zombies. But the good news is I got the union rep on the phone

and promised to give him a blowjob if he overlooked the rule. The bad news is I

lied about my name. And Lois in accounting is in for a shock.

So what you're saying is this is all in Lois' hands.

Or Mal.

Or both, if she does it right. But our fake blood problem is over. Or it will

as soon as I send the intern out to McDonald's to hit about three more of

Where is he?

Oh, I fired him. You'll have to do it yourself.

Oh, okay.

I guess I'll pick it up while I get to Banks.

I can't believe the change in you.

Your friend committing suicide was the best thing that ever happened to you.

I hope that doesn't sound too cold.

Cold? No, no, no, no, no. Although my nipples did just get hard. Well,

we all grieve in our own way.

My point is, you just got yourself promoted.

I did?

Wow. I mean, I've never gotten myself promoted before. I've gotten demoted,

replaced, written out, dragged off the lot, but never promoted.

Well, thanks for making me feel good about my choice.

You're welcome. So, what do I get? A cake? A party? A race?

No.

You'll get respect.

Respect? Isn't that that thing you're supposed to get in the morning?

Don't ask me. I leave in the middle of the night. But I digress. You are now

new supervising associate producer.

Huh. Is there such a thing?

Well, of course there is.

You know, on every set there's a person who deals with all the things that

nobody else can or wants to deal with. And that person is called the S .A .P.

Behind their back or to their face?

Depends on where they're standing.

Sidney, darling, little snack.

To me, an army of vampires means loads of people.

Not two extras in a grip wearing capes made out of hefty bags. So I'll need a

lot more vampires and a fog machine would really sell it. Now, I know we're

talking about a little more dinero, and I don't mean Bobby.

So what do you think?

I think if you ask me for any more money, I'm going to force your head in

toilet and flush until water shoots out your ass like a Roman fountain.

I'll take that as a no.

What's holding us up here?

Oh, the boom guy fell off the ladder. They're taping up his ankle.

Oh, great, because I think we should reward clumsiness with coddling and ace

bandages. Fire him. No, no, no, no, no. Sid, please don't fire the boom guy.

If I wanted to watch some gimp struggle with a pole, I'd go to the Special

Olympics.

You're the new boom operator.

What? I don't know anything about being a boom operator. You'll learn. Come on.

You're a sap, aren't you?

I guess I am.

Oh.

What do we have up here?

Well, well, well. All right.

More than we need to see.

Hey,

are you gonna eat that?

Wait, cut!

What the hell was that?

Oh, man.

Were we, like, on camera?

Are you stoned again? Or should I say still?

How am I supposed to keep track of these things when I'm stoned?

Jesus Christ, if Cheech and Chong had glaucoma, they'd smoke less pot than

You try making it through this lousy shoot without getting baked. Oh, I am

trying. Look, when I was on Fantasy Island, don't you think I wanted a

something to get me through the day? And I'm not talking about Herve Villachez.

Look, fill him up with black coffee, and then take his head and dunk it into

some cold water until he sobers up or drowns, okay?

Fine. Now, in the meantime, let's just set up for a close -up on Doreen's

breasts. My name's Lori.

Excuse me?

I am the director.

I tell the crew what to do.

Yeah, you should, but you're too busy doing the best boy instead, aren't you?

I can't believe you're still on this scene. What have you been doing?

And that blood, it looks fake. They don't look undead. They just look like

eaters. I agree. I told her. That blood looks fake, fake, fake. Let me tell you

something. I have been here since 6 o 'clock in the morning, saving your ass.

mention his ass which has been more exposed than the film okay our leading

is more baked than a christmas ham and in two hours we lose the stage the

and what's left of the crew okay i am the only thing holding this fucking

production together and the one prayer we have of finishing this film on time

you getting out of my face oh well what i meant to say was good

job okay now let's prep during tip

Do you know what it's like to be cooped up for ten hours in a chopper with

Juanita the Wonder Bitch?

Milk. You spill coffee on my shoes like I can foresee an air pocket.

That's the thing about air. That shit's invisible.

Too bad this wasn't.

What the hell are you doing going through my stuff?

Man, you are guesting my house.

That's how warrants get started. People are all off in other people's business.

I want to know why you're drinking while you didn't come to me.

You know, first thing I do, I find Jackie with a needle in her arm. Now I'm

going to find that you're drinking. I don't want to lose another friend.

Dave, calm down, man. Calm down. I don't drink this whiskey. I just keep it in

the closet.

Why? So the moths can make Manhattan?

Oh, come on, Dave. Don't be silly. You know the moths can't open this with

little tiny wings.

Stop kidding around, Bill. Stop it.

Okay? I'm worried about your sobriety.

Oh, really?

Yeah. Well, now, who's sponsoring who? I know you have 20 years of sobriety. All

any of us have is this.

Day, right? I'm just trying to help you one alcoholic to another.

All right.

You must know, I got this bottle as a result of a pact with three of my

in Nile.

Man, we drank together, we fought together, we washed each other's back.

Which wasn't easy because you were always drunk.

See, I understand that. I had to get drunk just to get through Apocalypse

And they said Vietnam went on too long.

Anyway. On a weekend past the Saigon, the four of us shipped in, bought this

bottle.

We made a pact that if one of us died, the other would drink to his memory.

So why do you have it?

Because I'm the only one left.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Two of them never made it out of now.

Herbie died ten years ago, and by then I was sober, so I couldn't drink to his

memory.

And out of respect for the pact, I couldn't throw the bottle away.

So you kept it hidden.

Apparently not well enough.

I wish I could hide all the things that remind me of Jackie.

My closet's not that big.

enough for everybody to have a quarter of a slice. But since she fired three

-fifths of the crew and one -eighth of those remaining are lactose intolerant,

how much pizza do each of us get?

Oh, well, all righty then.

So, Lori, you're not eating? I know.

I only eat on days that end with I -E.

Oh, you must be very hungry.

Well, it's more of a dizzy feeling.

Anyway, Billy, it was really great working with you, and thanks for the

tips.

Well, all I said was arch your back.

which really helped keep the ketchup in my cleavage. I mean, I've had a lot of

things in there, but never condiments.

Yeah, I know. I read your resume.

Oh, by the way, I'm really sorry I hit you in the head with the boom.

You hit me in the head?

I can't believe we finished on time.

Thank God for me.

I'd pat myself on the back if I had a free hand.

I'd do it if I had a two -by -four.

Hmm? Nothing.

So don't you think it's time for you to thank the crew? For what? Exposing me to

unsightly hiney cracks all day long? I don't think so.

There's another one.

Uh -oh. I think I need a drink.

Yeah. Hey, Billy?

Yeah? Well, this is like the best acting experience I've had since I taped me

and my girlfriend having sex.

Oh, wow. At least in this one you lasted through the whole film.

Oh, and listen, kid. Listen, kid. I don't want to be talking out of my ass.

Yeah, and I don't want to too soon. But Slacula is going to put me back on the

map. What is a road, a highway, a rest stop map?

We must feel a story.

But this is not the time. No, I mean in the game.

I know it's not an interview with a vampire, but it's better in so many

ways. Really?

Because the only way I can think it's better is that it's shorter.

Short is good. You're short. I'm short. Here's to shortness.

Good work, Billy.

I mean, you really pulled us through this thing.

Oh, thanks. Here's to Billy.

The greatest sap I've ever seen.

Best friend I ever had.

Made it through two tours in Nam.

Only to be killed on a tour to Bermuda.

Damn mopeds. You gotta look both ways.

To friends that are gone.

We'll go on living, so they'll be remembered.

I'll not drink to that.

And neither will I.

Smooth.

Best drink I never had.

Well, the best drink I never had was this Long Island iced tea with...

No, wait a minute. I had that, though. Never mind.

You know, I never thought I'd feel this way, but it's like a burden has been

lifted off my shoulders.

Wish I felt that way.

You will in time.

I hope so.

Well, I think I'm ready to go home.

Oh, now I feel like an even bigger burden has been lifted.

You know what?

I'm going to keep this bottle to remind me of my friends.

Yeah.

It's nice to be reminded of the people we love.

Thank you, man.

See you around the cotton shop, all right? Yeah.

Two departed friends.

Yeah, like you.

There you are.

I missed you.

One of our listeners called in to dedicate a song to Jackie.

Wherever you are, Billy wants you to know he still cares.

A he?

Not a he.

You don't see these on a boy, do you? Well, unless I'm on top of him.

After you're gone, living on the line.

you'll regret it more than this.

Jackie, what a coincidence. I just dedicated a song to you and here you

Oh, my God.

You're here.

How'd you get in here?

Well, if I can come back from the dead, don't you think I can get through the

door?

Well, when you put it that way.

Billy, what have you done?

Me?

You.

I mean, what have you done?

I mean, you don't have anything to brag about, you know. At least I'm still

alive.

Aren't I?

Yes, Billy.

Hey, wait a minute.

I know what's happening.

I passed out, and now I'm dreaming.

What a relief.

I didn't mean to scare you. I'm sorry.

You should have thought about that before you disappeared out of nowhere.

What? You wanted me to call her right first?

Yeah, well, I guess that would be a little bit freaky, too. I mean, imagine

coming home and finding a note from your dead friend. Well, actually, that is

exactly what happened with you.

And I'm not over that yet.

And by the way, how come the note for Dear Dave? I mean, what about the Dear

Billy? I mean, I searched this whole apartment looking for a note, and all I

found was this bracelet that you gave me. I did not give you that bracelet.

Okay, the bracelet that I stole. I mean, it's not like you can use it now.

Oh, well, way to rub it in.

Look, the point is, there wasn't a note. And fuck the note. Why did you leave

me? Well, if you would let me get a word in edgewise, I'd explain. Okay, well,

I'm sorry.

This is my first haunting, you know.

I'm a virgin, so be careful.

Or gentle, or... Remember the heck a virgin would usually say.

What did I say? I said, uh, I have to have a quaalude to do that.

And he said, well, he had plenty. In fact, that's why he got arrested.

Oh, well.

I miss you.

I miss you, too.

I do. I miss you so much. I had a...

I have a secret.

You can't tell anybody.

Okay, you have to promise.

You have to cross your heart and hope to... Never mind.

You're drunk.

Don't be mad at me, okay?

I mean, Jackie, I didn't even know what was happening. And then it happened. You

know, it just happened.

And it was so fucking easy.

I didn't even think about it. You know, it was in my hand and then in my mouth

and I swallowed it.

Well, it's the same thing a virgin would say, too. But now, I...

I can't stop.

Just, I can't stop. I know.

I know, Billy.

What can I say?

You're an alcoholic.

I know.

Doesn't it sad?

Doesn't it sad?

Why do I have to be an alcoholic?

I'm a good person. Kind of. Sort of. Sometimes.

At least I'm better than Hitler.

I mean, why didn't he have to go to a fucking meeting? Well, he didn't

overdrink, or over anything.

Well, he overreacted.

I mean, you know, the economy will always bounce back. You just have to

out. Well, if I see him, I'll tell him.

Jackie, you're so fun to be with.

You spend the night?

I wish I could.

Billy, I have one thing to say to you.

You're going to die from the same thing that killed me.

You killed yourself.

But that's exactly what you're doing with the bottle.

I mean, I just did it quicker.

You can't imagine how much I'll suffer if my death causes yours.

Please don't add to the burden I carry.

Gross. You mean even when you're dead, you have to carry a burden?

I mean, aren't there bellhops in heaven? I mean, what's the use of dying if you

still have to carry around your burden?

Oh, God.

Please.

There'll come a time when you'll regret it.

most hungover of all. You.

What was I thinking last night?

I feel like hell.

My head is pounding and my eyes are so bloodshot.

My nose, well, my nose is still adorable.

Thank you, Dr. Weinstock.

Hey, Billy.

I'm here.

Oh.

They're beautiful.

Brought you breakfast.

Brought you your favorite.

It's sausage McMuffin.

Huh? Ooh.

Huh? Yeah. And I got you some hash browns.

I didn't get you any ketchup because, oddly enough, they were out.

Come on. No, don't sit there.

What? What?

That's my spot. I'm watching TV.

TV's not on.

Yeah, but, well, if I was going to watch TV, this is where I'd sit, so back off.

All right.

So.

What's the occasion?

I slept in my apartment last night.

You know, I cried my guts out.

But I survived, and I think I'm going to be okay.

Well, I'm glad to hear it. And if you don't mind, I'm going back to bed. No,

come on, come on. I know how you feel. I know. After Jackie died, I wanted to

pull the covers over my head, right? Then this very bizarre thing happened.

She came back and haunted you.

No. That would be very freaky. No, no. I was at Milt's apartment.

Get this. I found a bottle of booze.

He was hiding it right under my nose.

No.

Milk is drinking?

Well, I mean, that just goes to show you it could happen to any one of us. No,

no. It wasn't drinking.

It was like a memento, you know, and we poured it down the drain.

Oh, you know, that is a very good thing to keep in mind in case you ever find,

you know, a bottle of booze in someone's apartment. Because, well, it could be a

memento or a souvenir or a great conversation starter.

Yeah. Like, why the hell do you have this bottle of booze? What bottle? I

have any bottle.

Yeah, like that.

So, uh, enough about me, huh? How you doing?

Me? Yeah.

Well, um... Feeling like my old self again.

After you've gone And left me crying

After you've gone There's no denying

You'll feel blue.

You'll feel sad.

You'll miss the dearest time you've ever had.

Oh, there'll come a time.

Now don't forget it.

There'll come a time.