Original subtitles

It was a rude awakening.

It was a rude awakening.

And now I've got to pay.

No matter where I go, somebody's got to see. I've got to see the basics, I don't

know any real.

Where will I find someone to understand?

And where will this ride ever let me land?

Oh, my God.

Barkeep, another cup. Straight up.

You're virtually late for work.

I'm late every day. In fact, I was so late yesterday, I might not have been

there. Well, listen, if Harv gives you any shit, you tell him, I'm not late for

work today, I'm early for work tomorrow.

Ah, and tomorrow's Saturday, so I might not go in. This is what I'm saying.

So you're in a good mood. Yes.

Lesbians across the street getting their drapes cleaned?

No, no, nothing special going on with me, except that a certain British rock

star has chosen me to be his sponsor.

Oh, well, congratulations, Dave. A solid month of ass -kissing appears to have

paid off. How dare you call me an ass -kisser? No, no, no, that was reserved.

Oh.

What? What?

I want him to feel welcome, because he's, you know, he's newly sober.

I'm newly sober?

Yes, yes, and that's why I have reserved for you a napkin.

You know, you might want to save that to spit in after you blow knobby.

You are so jealous.

Jealous. Oh, please.

I want to listen to the problems of some wealthy old drunken Brit. I'll phone my

mother.

Hello. Hello.

Oh, hi, Mom.

Darling, I have the most distressing news.

The FDA banned colleges?

No, darling.

Antonia has been stealing from me. I'm missing a tube of Clinique turnaround

cream. Mother, where would she hide it? You make her store all her possessions

in a shoebox. Why don't you look there for it? I already did that, darling. It

isn't there, which can lead to only one conclusion.

What, you were drunk and misplaced it?

No, darling. She's ferreting the stuff away to our family in Guatemala so she

can sell it on the black market for a fortune.

Mother, first of all, she's from El Salvador, and second of all, how can you

make a fortune off of one tube?

Tip of the iceberg.

As we speak, Antonia is probably eyeing my Cartier condom holder and burning her

fingerprints off. Mother, if you think that Antonia is stealing, which she's

not, why don't you have her fired?

I've got to catch her in the act or that spiteful little goblin will sue me.

Mother, as entertaining as your insane ramblings are, I have to go. I'm late

work. When were you supposed to be there? Last Monday.

Listen, I know I'm a few minutes late to work, like 3 ,000, and I was thinking

of coming up with some elaborate excuse, and then I thought, you know, that's

insulting to you and demeaning to me, so how about I just show you my pits

instead?

Nothing personal, but you're not my type.

Oh, my God, you're Sidney Gibson.

Yeah, you were in Harv's first movie, Busty Reaper, Vixens in Space, in 3D.

Which was the only time my character had any dimension.

No, are the busty vixens reuniting?

Have to update the title. How about stacked crack whores?

So, where's Harv?

Uh, Harv is in Europe on account of this girl he's been dating.

Harv's been dating a girl in Europe?

No, Harv's been dating a girl in high school.

Wow. I don't mean to judge. I mean, God knows I've done things that I'm not

proud of, but can you imagine doing something as sleazy as that, having sex?

with Harv. I have.

Oh.

Not that he doesn't have his charms.

Although he doesn't. So what are you doing here?

Well, Harv called me in the middle of the night on the lam, desperate for

and because we're such good friends, I bought the company out from under him.

Oh, so you own the company now?

Yeah.

And you are?

I'm Billy.

Billy Frank, didn't Harv mention me? Well, he was in kind of a hurry. Warrant

and all.

Oh. Well.

Hmm. I'm his, uh... Well, I'm the head of creative affairs.

And I make 60 grand a year, plus 5 % of all the pictures we do. And actually,

this is my office.

In fact, first order of business, we really need to hire an assistant.

You're not that drunken slut that used to be his secretary, are you? Hey!

You know, I'm a recovering drunken slut, thank you. And I'll have you know that

my slutdom has been of great value to this company, okay? I was technical

advisor on I Know Who You Did last summer. Oh, I'm sure that would look

great on a resume.

I, however, am going to need more from a secretary than tips on how to fake an

orgasm. My first husband had a prick the size of a Marlboro, so I think I've got

that down.

Okay, look.

I may not have made the best impression with the tits and the lying and all,

but, you know, I'm a has -been and you're a has -been.

A movie star has -been, which is so much cooler than being a TV has -been.

Although I was on for five seasons.

Anyway, if I don't pay my visa bill, they're going to break my thumbs or

something. And I'm a bad enough typist as it is. Look, I like you.

Oh, no I don't.

The point is, every cent I've got is tied up in this company and I can't

to carry any dead weight.

not dead weight. I'm a lightweight.

I mean, look, I know this company. I know where everything is, kind of.

And couldn't you please just give me a chance?

All right, all right. I'll let you save for today.

Well, get me a cup of coffee. Coffee?

Okay. I'm going to get you a cup of coffee. If only I knew where it was, I

do that. But one typo, one crinkled fax, one undelivered phone message, and you

are out of here. Okay? I wouldn't have any other way, Bob.

We start by calling the proctologist to get that room to think. I can hear you.

Nobby?

Hey!

Wow.

Huh?

You never been in a limo before?

Well, never one with a fireplace.

Yeah, this one's not bad.

Of course, my big one's in the shop.

Well, half in. The other half's sticking out in the street.

Well, you know, I've been in my share of limos. Of course, my share was in the

driver's seat.

Huh? Are you a chauffeur? Yeah.

Eighteen -year -old alcoholic in an expensive car with a bar in it. Yeah.

Somewhere there's still an insurance agent wakes up in the middle of the

screaming my name.

Well, my agent's William Morris, and I've got to tell you, I do all the

screaming.

Right.

So, uh, where are we going?

Well, I thought we'd just talk here, Dave.

I mean, I could say we'd go back to my hotel and talk, but you wouldn't want to

have to push past all those screaming women scrabbling at your clothes and

groping at your privates, would you?

Who would?

Right, right.

Sorry, you want a drink?

Uh, no.

No, no, no, of course not.

Right, now.

Yeah, be a love. Look, just jump out the jacuzzi and, uh, fix us a couple of

lattes. You have a jacuzzi? Sure.

Okay.

Well, uh, Sponzie, what do you want to talk about?

Well, Dave, um, I've got to admit that there's a part of this whole Addictions

Anonymous thing that's, uh, a bit of a problem for me.

What? The not being able to drink and do drugs part?

Yeah.

That's a bit tricky for all of us there.

All I can tell you is you're not alone.

You know, and whatever you're going through, I'm sure I can relate.

Really? Yeah. Oh, Dave, that is such a relief.

You know, just to know that there's someone else who understands.

I like the other day. Yeah. A whole Swedish women's volleyball team got

backstage and they took off their tops and covered their breasts in margaritas.

I just got asked if they sought their nipples.

It's like you were there, Dave. Well, as hard as it was, and I'm sure that it

was, at least you were able to resist, right?

Actually, no.

Look, I didn't want to hurt their feelings.

I mean, they were very tall, they had a lot of muscles, and they whacked balls

for a living. I couldn't risk it, Dave, I couldn't risk it. So you're drinking

again? Well, not exactly drinking, but that doesn't count, does it? Yeah, it

does.

But I'm cutting back, Dave. Look, Mum, I'm not drinking at all during all those

hours when I am asleep.

What did you do before when you were asleep? You had alcohol fed to you

intravenously? Well, I'm not proud of it.

But look, since I've been in the programme, I have made a strict policy

drinking before 6pm.

Of course, if I happen to wake up at 5 .45, then I've got to tell you, Dave,

that those 15 minutes can be pure hell.

Look, you've got to stop drinking and using completely.

Really? That's all there is to it.

What am I supposed to do then? You drink lattes. I mean, where's the pleasure in

that?

Well, I'll tell you where the pleasure is on me.

Do all of your beverages come with bread?

No. Yeah.

Martinis come with olives.

Ah, thank you.

Sorry it took so long to find these contracts. Some idiot must have misfiled

them. Don't you do the filing?

Hey, no need to point fingers.

Would you rather I point it to the exit?

No, no, I'm good.

Harv used to bring his dog to work.

Harv doesn't have a dog.

Oh.

But this is a flea collar.

Yeah, that should give you an idea of the kind of girls Harv dates.

After you, of course.

File it under blackmail. Oh, good.

There's something wrong with my coffee.

Well, there's no coffee in here. That's what's wrong.

By the way, you spell like a dyslexic mongoloid who learned English from a

retarded Polack who was raised by wolves.

Well, don't sugarcoat it. I'm only going to learn if you're honest with me. I

also want phone logs, budgets for last year, and order a dozen black roses.

It's my fourth ex -husband's birthday.

The card should read, you're in my thoughts, wish you were dead.

That's more than Harv asked me to do in, well, ever.

It is?

Yeah.

Have I been too demanding?

Well, a little, you know.

Did I hurt your feelings?

Oh.

Hello, I need to hire a new secretary.

No, coffee coming right up.

Hot and on my desk. The way I like to get laid.

Ooh, better move the pencil jar.

Black. I like your soul.

Still hearing you.

Latte, please.

So, you keeping the music man out of trouble? No, I'm still drinking.

And it's hard for me to convince him that his life needs any improvement. You

know, the inside of his car is better furnished than my apartment.

So what? The inside of my car is better furnished than your apartment. It's

just, Nabi and I have nothing in common.

Neither do we. I'm black. You're white.

I fought for my country. You hid behind your mama.

Because I was five.

I'm polite.

You interrupt.

The point is, I help you.

Not today.

You know, Dave, there's a reason Nobby picked you to be his sponsor.

You just keep talking to Nobby. You'll figure it out. How do you talk to a guy

whose car comes fully equipped with naked groupies?

How many groupers are we talking about? Three in the backseat and five in the

jacuzzi. Jacuzzi? Yeah.

Sounds like this man needs two sponsors.

No, be serious. I'm afraid I'm going to fail him. Son, I'll take that chance on

you every day.

But I don't see you driving me around in a limo. Not only that, I have to pay

for this latte instead of getting it free from a busty unnamed.

Fine, okay?

Lattes on the house.

I'm going out for a while.

You'll be all alone.

Comprende? Sí.

I trust you completely now that there are no hidden cameras in this house. No

bugs.

The thought of hiring a midget, stuffing him in the credenza to watch you

through the keyhole has never crossed my mind.

El pensamiento de jugar fútbol con tu cabeza decapitada nunca me ha cruzado la

mente. Bueno, bueno.

Look, I have been struggling with this fucking internet thing for three hours.

am that close to throwing this computer out the window. And there's a school for

deaf children right below, so they won't even hear it coming.

You know, for technical support, you're not being very supportive.

Yeah? Well, you sound fat in those pants.

Are we on the Internet yet? Didn't you hear the Internet's closed today? You do

know that the information superhighway is not an actual road?

Then explain the big crash.

Christ. You're dumb. Four o 'clock tomorrow I'm looking at our new web page

you're looking at the one. Why would I look at the one? Oh.

You're right. I am dumb. Nevertheless, I want this fax ASAP. That means as soon

as possible.

Then go to the casting files, pull all the actors in their 20s, six feet or

taller with some modeling experience.

Okay. What are we casting?

Nothing. I just need a date.

Oh. What was that? Nothing.

Good heavens, darling.

Would it kill you people to put more flattering mirrors in the elevator?

It seemed for a second that I was some ageing drunk.

Thank God I had my bourbon handy to steady my nerves. Mother, this is not a

time to visit, okay?

Apparently God has chosen to punish me by making me work for someone who

actually wants me to work. No, no, nonsense, darling. I'm taking you to

I've got to get home quickly before Antonia gnaws off her captured limb and

escapes back to her jungle lair.

Oh, can I help you? Yes, this is my mother, Trudy. Oh, my daughter's just

telling me that you're a godsend and you're so good to keep her on. You've no

idea. I'm talking to my accountant about getting her salary deducted as a

charitable contribution.

You might be able to get a tax break for hiring the handicapped.

Heaven knows.

She's got the office girls. Our 12 -year -old has been in a serious car

accident.

Did I leave the room without realizing it?

Anyway, I'm just here to take my little girl to lunch. No, you're not. I don't

do lunch and neither do you.

Well, you don't answer the phones. Does that mean I don't have to?

No. If I wanted some freeloader who disappeared for an hour every day with a

bourbon -soaked floozy, I'd get back together with my fourth ex -husband.

why don't you just do... that while we take lunch i've got a better idea no

well we go no mother i

can't go you heard her i mean she's really mean she's like hitler with two

hitler had one ball

Well, I stopped drinking for a night, good. But I've got to tell you, David,

smashing a hotel room when you're sober is just not the same.

I mean, it just seems kind of pointless and stupid.

Yeah, well, sobriety does have a way of sucking the fun out of meaningless

destruction. And my senses have all gone funny.

Do you know what tastes totally different when I stop drinking?

Naomi Campbell.

Yeah, her too.

How do you know?

That tickles.

Hey, you're cute.

Nobby, can we do that thing you taught us to do with him with maple syrup?

Look, Ginger, we're talking here. What have I told you before about

interrupting? Oh, sorry, Nobby.

If you want to put something in your mouth, try candy.

She's getting a bikini wax.

Well, then try Inga. I don't care. Just let us talk, okay?

That's all I have to put up with. Just constant distraction.

Constant distraction.

That's another thing. When I was drinking, my groupers looked a lot more

attractive. Than that?

That girl is more attractive than anybody I've ever downloaded.

My grandma's going to be so proud.

I guess it must seem like I've got everything, huh?

Well, it's hard to imagine anybody having something you don't.

You do.

What, an erection?

No, I've got that.

I mean, your sobriety.

Well, I don't know how you do it, mate.

I mean, you live like a fucking dog. You've got nothing. You run a glorified

cake stand, and yet you manage to get through the day without that little

something.

How do you do it, though?

I work the program.

I do the steps and try to be of service to others.

Oh, I can do that.

Hey, girls, be loves and shag my sponsor.

Okay. Well, that's not exactly what they mean by being of service, although you

are trying, and I should be supportive.

I'm already wet.

She's already wet?

Go on, mate, slip back there, have a good time.

Hope you got dental insurance, though, because Ginger, she'll suck the fillings

out of your back teeth.

Well, mate, enjoy yourself.

Hey, none of this with the girls and the jacuzzi and the limo, the whole thing,

none of this makes you feel good anymore, does it?

Oh, I know it should be, Dave, but I've got to admit, I've got this kind of

emptiness inside me. I know, I know.

No, I have it too.

Because when you're an alcoholic, no matter how much you have, it's never

enough.

And that's why we drink so much.

It's never enough.

Oh. So how do you feel the emptiness?

I don't.

God does.

Dave, look, if you've ever played any of my records backwards, you know that

Satan was more my cup of tea. Is that true?

Not proud of it.

Only joking.

I've never really been much into organised religion. You know, it's too

there's too many rules, too much organ and not enough guitar. It's not about

religion. For instance, right now, my higher power is ginger.

Well, yeah, well, she's a heavenly body. But the only faith I've ever had is

faith ill.

You don't have that faith right now.

All you have to do is go to the meetings.

And believe that I believe.

Okay?

Misty, drive me to a meeting.

My new boss is a slave driver.

The last time anyone made a Jewish girl work this hard, the pyramids were built.

That better not be a personal call.

Oh, no, we're very happy with our long -distance carrier. Thank you.

Uh, so, do you need any help with casting?

No, no, there's nothing I can't cast.

Except a reflection.

You know, this just isn't working out. What?

Come on, you can't fire me. I've been really trying here. This is not P .E.

not like you're some fat girl who gets rewarded for finally waddling around the

trap once.

I was.

Good afternoon, ladies.

Oh, God.

Sid. This is Carl Cerf, a big investor in your company.

And even a bigger... Oh, Carl.

Oh, right.

Hi, I'm... Sidney Gibson.

You were a reaper, Vixen, right?

Oh, man, you had a beautiful set of jugs.

Must have used a trick lens.

Oh, what can I do for you, Carl?

You could write me a check to cover my entire investment in this company.

Ouch. Oh, no, you can't just pull your money out any time you feel like it.

Well, yes, I can. Read the contract.

What kind of a buffoon would sign a contract like that?

Carl?

Carl, I think you'll see that this company's finally being run right.

Believe me, this is not the time to pull out.

Listen, Toots, I'm sure it's fun for you to play movie producer, but you're not

going to do it with my money, all right?

So why don't you be a good little girl and go write me a check before I have to

get tough?

Tough?

I've had it tough, pal.

And I am not going to be intimidated by some bald -headed shit in a cheap suit

who's trying to work out all his hostilities against those girls who

out with him in high school.

How about you make the check out to call surf?

But you can post date it to Monday because you happen to have beautiful

sis.

Why don't I take your time?

Uh -huh.

And put it in the shredder until it starts spitting out imitation shoe

Okay, Carl.

Carl, can I talk to you privately in Sid's office?

It ain't Sid's office for long.

You know, I might be able to convince him not to withdraw his investment. Oh,

yeah? And what are you going to do? Threaten to work for him? No, it doesn't

matter. But if I do it, you have to back off, okay? You have to allow me at

least 20 fuck -ups a day.

Five, ten, seven. Deal.

And stop spitting in my coffee.

Okay. But can I still pee in the ficus?

Eh, joking.

Hey, hey, Carl.

Carl, Carl, Carl.

So, you remember that night last year that we spent together?

You kidding? Two days later, my balls still felt like cement.

Ooh, that is so romantic.

What are you going to do?

Why don't you take your pants off?

Well, you want a little more call, huh?

Yes, I do.

But what about your wife?

Oh, that talking tub of goo? She's the last person I want to think about when

I'm having sex, you know. Oh, well, then.

Well, if I knew I was getting a blowjob, I would have freshened up a little bit.

But that's really more your problem than mine, right?

Oh, well, actually, it's really more yours.

Smile. You're on candy camera.

Oh, shit.

Yes, and you're going to keep your money in this company, or your wife's going

to see this on America's Funniest Divorce Settlement.

Fine.

You can keep my money, but I want my park invalidated. No need to get tough.

Oh, I don't know how to use email. I know how to use blackmail.

Very smart using the camera that Harf set up for the auditions.

Distance. Well, yeah. Okay, sure.

You may not be so useless after all. Oh, stop. You're going to give me a swelled

head. Well, anyway, good work.

So, hey, how about as a reward I get to knock off early?

Sorry, can't hear you.

I'm Nobby, and I'm... an alcoholic.

Hi, Nobby.

Oh, hi, Nob.

Well,

I'd just like to thank you all for holding the meeting here.

I mean, it's so much more comfortable, don't you think?

Man, you ain't never lie.

It's fabulous.

Inga, get your nipple out of my eye, okay?