Original subtitles

It was a rude awakening.

It started so long ago.

It was a rude awakening.

And now I've got to pay.

No matter where I go, somebody's got to see. I've got to see the basics. I don't

know any way.

Where will I find someone to understand?

And where will this ride ever let me land?

Isn't knitting better than smoking?

Yeah, the best part is how cool it makes you look.

All the popular kids at school used to sneak to the bathroom to knit.

Well, knit one, purl two, step four.

The inventory step, which requires a ruthless self -examination.

But I felt my tits earlier.

No new lumps.

Snappy pickup line.

Hey, boys, I'm busty and cancer -free.

Ooh, busty.

Admit it, Clark.

I could turn you.

The tornado couldn't turn me.

The tornado couldn't blow you like I could.

Okay. Later, we're going to have a discussion about boundaries.

But first, step four.

Let's roll our sleeves up and look for your sensitive spots and delve right in.

I bet you say that to all the boys.

Billy, I'm sorry. serious. Clark, so am I.

Once you finish this inventory, then you won't feel the need to mock others. I

won't? Then I don't want to do it.

You have to do it.

Now let's make a list of all the people you resent.

Okay, fine. Let's start with you because you're making me do this. And then

everybody else who is doing even the teeniest bit better than me.

It's going to be a long list.

Okay, let's just start with the top five people you resent.

Okay, we could do the top ten. They're all my mom.

I know the name of that tune.

It's a little song I like to call Mommy Put the Plunger Away.

You're not going to sing, are you?

Not after the plunger incident.

Back to you.

And you have to come up with every horrible, demeaning experience that your

mother ever put you through and then write it down.

Okay. I'll see you next year.

I'm sorry if I've been going on for a while.

But, you know, I've been up all night remembering and not smoking.

By the way, guess who started me smoking at age 12?

Your mother.

Yes, she did. She told me it would help me lose weight. But it didn't.

It just made me fat and wheezy.

And then on my eighth birthday, she invited my friends to watch her weigh

And then she suggested that we play pin the tail on my fat ass.

Could have been worse. You could have been the piñata.

Oh, shut up, Stan.

And just last week, at the dinner table, my mother compared me to a radish.

She said, darling, you're nothing but a small bit of decoration that only the

desperate would eat. And then she got insulting.

Well, at least your mother lets you sit at the table.

I had to eat out of the dog bowl.

Well, at least you had a dog bowl. I had to eat my food off the floor. At least

you had food. I had to survive on what I caught in the cellar. At least you had

a cellar. I was chained to a stake in the backyard.

Hello?

Enough about your petty problems.

This is my mother I'm talking about. This is my time.

It's my time to shine.

At least you have a mother.

Mine's dead.

Shit!

Here's a picture of me dancing on her grave.

Season's greeting from Clark.

Oh, that's lovely.

Well, if you want to know what my mother looks like, picture a withered, drunken

whore who never loved me because, you know, she was too busy whoring and

drinking and withering.

Oh, sorry, people.

Time's up.

Gastration support group wants in. They just don't have the balls to say so.

Hey, Ben.

Dave. Listen, man.

I got to make amends to all the people that I wronged when I was drinking. And,

well, you were one of them, buddy.

So, listen, I'm really sorry, but at your wedding, you know, your bride had

that champagne.

And, you know, we always had that sort of unspoken thing.

Yeah, she went down on me at the head table.

Yeah. It's pretty ironic, isn't it, the head table?

Hey, so, just sending my regards, giving my best. And I guess I did that

already.

Ben.

I said I was sorry.

Well, you shouldn't make amends to people if you think it'll hurt them.

Great. Good. That takes care of half of my list.

You look like shit. Oh, who are you, my mother?

Oh, step four?

Yes. And I hate everybody.

I wish I could knit myself a new life.

When did you take up knitting?

When I quit smoking.

You quit smoking on step four? Yes. What, are you insane? Yes.

Mother. Oh, have I got dirt for you. Billy Frank just told everyone that her

mother's a withered, drunken whore. How scandalous. What else did she say?

Lower, darling.

Hello? Trudy?

Vivian. My daughter just called from her Addictions Anonymous meeting, and

apparently your daughter is telling everybody that you're a withered,

whore.

Withered? And that you're a terrible mother.

We're not?

That's you.

Hello, only the first minute's free, so make it snappy.

Vivian Duck told me that Joan told her that you told everyone that I am a

drunken whore.

Fine, I'll go apologize to all the drunks and whores that I've insulted by

comparing them to you. Don't you dare.

And luckily, most of them are here already, especially Joan. Well, if it

for Joan's big mouth and Vivian's bigger one, sorry, Viv, I wouldn't have known

that I was being falsely maligned.

Oh, falsely? Gotta run, Trudy. I've got calls to make.

Get up, you idiot.

No, never mind.

I feel so violated and not in a good way. Right now, Vivian is calling all of

friends to tell them I am a bad mother.

You are, okay? I was up all night writing down every terrible thing you

me. Well, I was up all night trying to get your father up. Don't complain to

I wasn't. I was complaining at my meeting to my friends, okay? Just like

complain about me to your friends when I'm not there.

I do not. If you're not there, I forget all about you.

Well, good. Then you'll be able to forget about this conversation.

No, I won't do that because...

I'm coming down there right now to tell my side of the story.

You can't do that. I mean, this is my place. This is where I come to tell my

problems. Well, you'll have a lot to talk about, won't you? Because I am

to be there. And remember, Vengeance is my middle name.

It is not. It's Penelope.

Well, I am changing it to Vengeance. To Antony, we'll have to re -embroider the

towels, but it's worth it.

What? I am going to get that Joan back.

What would you say is the hardest thing to get out of leather?

Besides a drummer's sweaty cock?

Um, yeah.

Besides that. Well, all images have been driven out of my mind.

Well, I was thinking coffee.

Or, uh, raspberry jam.

I was thinking of Tommy Lee. I don't want to.

Yes, well, Sarah Lee will have to do it.

Hi, Joan.

Hi. You know, you got something on your jacket. Oh, where?

Uh, there.

There you go, baby.

Hey, Milk. Yo.

Remember that hairdresser who caught me in bed with her sisters? Mm -hmm. Well,

I took her out to dinner, and I made amends. Yeah, what happened? Oh, she was

great about it. I mean, she even gave me a free haircut, you know, like for old

time's sake.

What do you think?

I think you need a hat or a boyfriend.

Hey, Dave, do you know this has fag on the back of your head?

Yes.

Obviously, to supplement my income, I'm renting the back of my head to a British

tobacco company.

Hey, can I get in on that?

What are you, an idiot?

At least he doesn't have fag on the back of his head.

Damn.

Man, this immense thing is tough.

Well, at least you live close to the people you hurt.

Most of mine are in Vietnam, eight time zones away, nine when I was unofficially

shooting civilians in Laos.

Why do anything be able to apologize to those people?

Earn most of them dead?

You see my dilemma?

Yeah.

So, who's left?

What did you do to this poor guy?

Mr. Trania used to shoplift liquor out of his store.

You know, only because they didn't have enough money to buy it. Oh, well, I

guess that makes it okay then.

Yeah, I want to apologize to him. But, you know, what if he doesn't take it

well? Man, it's not about him. It's about you and your sobriety. You got to

the amends, face the consequences.

Usually... Most people are forgiving.

Usually. Hey, one time a guy even gave me a card.

Wow.

No, no, but this guy's got a wicked temper. He even keeps a gun under the

counter. Are you going to let a little gun come between you and your sobriety?

Yes. What is the point of being sober if you're dead?

Okay, I'll go with you.

As long as you wear a hat. And if you get shot, I know ten ways to start your

wound with a water -chewing gun.

Oh, good, so I'll be riddled with bullets and chiclets.

Actually, in Nam, four out of five soldiers recommend trident.

Is there anyone else who wants to share?

I do.

Mom? Call me vengeance.

Hello, everyone.

Oh, no, no, don't say hello to her.

What should we say to her? Goodbye, goodbye, nice lady, good luck. I'm

and I'm an alcoholic.

You know she isn't? Well, I mean, actually she is, but, you know, she'd

admit it. I just did.

And that's the first step. Bravo.

Don't slap her.

Julie will not be very supportive.

No, please don't chide my daughter. It's not her fault.

That's your mother?

Ladies and gentlemen, in this room, you've heard many things about me.

Scandalous things.

Perhaps things involving young men and rubber tubing.

Perhaps not.

No, don't listen to her. Anyone can speak if they have 24 consecutive hours

sobriety.

Consecutive? She doesn't even have 24 cumulative hours of sobriety. Oh, I

that my beloved daughter, Billy, doesn't want me here. Perhaps I should leave.

Yes, you should. You should leave. Go.

Just go. There's the door. Look, you don't understand.

This is my mother.

The one that compared me to a radish?

No, ladies and gentlemen. Darling, I called you ravishing.

Oh, liar, liar, pants on fire. God, I need a cigarette.

Oh, dear, is this the kind of support one gets here?

Billy,

I know you and your mother have issues, but in this program, she's a newcomer.

That means that she's the baby.

I'll say, when she's still on the bottle.

God knows I've tried to be a good mother, and still I failed.

No one is more aware of that than I.

I am.

It wasn't easy raising an overly emotional, chubby child with a learning

disability.

So I was hooked on other things besides phonics. Oh, darling.

Oh, very good. That's a very big word for you. So confusing with P and H in

Yes, I know another word that has a P and an H in it. Fuck!

You! You see? You see what I've had to put up with? I mean, she's been a

since she was a child. She began smoking when she was 12 years old. When I think

of the times I spent waiting up for her, fretting, is it any wonder that I

turned to the bottle for comfort?

Oh, turn to? You drank like a fish the whole time you were pregnant with me.

When the doctor slapped my bottom, I burped.

That guy deserved to have his liquor boosted.

He was an asshole.

I knew this would happen. You? No, no, you told me I was going to get a free

car, okay? I'm in jail, man. It's a long way to go from a free car to jail.

Not in my own neighborhood. Well, what am I supposed to do now? What am I

supposed to do? Well, I don't know. Look on the bright side.

What bright side?

Well, at least you didn't get shot.

Gum?

Mom, look, you've got to stop coming to my meetings.

I mean, can't you just humiliate me someplace else? Oh, darling, it's so

more fun to do it in front of your friends.

Mother, look, I am in Addictions Anonymous for real.

It's not a hobby. It's not a place to pick up guys most of the time. I mean,

struggling with sobriety.

I mean, you've never even met sobriety.

Like, here's sobriety and here's you. Ooh, what's that teen? He's back way off

in the distance.

Oh, it's Trudy.

You're upset, darling. Would you like a frozen Prozac on a stick?

Or as I like to call it, Frozac.

For those hot afternoons when you're really depressed.

Look, I just came to tell you that you won, as usual.

Yeah, I mean, everyone thinks I'm a pathetic dyslexic dwarf.

So, can we just please call it quits? Certainly, if you promise never to talk

ill of me at your meetings again.

Oh, I can't promise that. I mean, I could, but I would be lying.

Well, unfortunately, darling, you are not as good a liar as I am. One of the

endless series of disappointments upon which I will expound at our next

No. No, no. No more meetings. No more expounding. I'm going to tell my sponsor

on you, and he'll get you kicked out.

I don't think so. Let's ask him. Oh, God!

I don't understand how to hang these curtains.

Oh, don't you want to? How?

All sponsors.

Oh, hey, Billy.

You're her sponsor?

Mm -hmm.

Yeah, I've never had a mother -daughter combo before.

I feel so naughty.

Well, betrayal would do that to you.

Well, Billy, where are you going? To miss a noose.

Clark, please stop sponsoring my mother.

There must be something in that fucking book that says you cannot sponsor a

sponsee who started your other sponsee drinking.

I don't like to point this out, but you are babbling. What do you mean I'm

babbling? I'm not babbling. I mean, I'm on step four. I quit smoking. I'm

spending all my money on yarn, and I'm a chain knitter. Do you really think I'm

babbling? What you need to knit is a blanket of forgiveness for your mother.

There's not enough yarn in the world.

Don't you see? If I help her, that only helps you. And by helping the two of

you, I help myself. We'll be one big happy family, just like I always wanted.

Don't get your hopes up. Hello, darling.

Hello, Mother.

I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to Clark.

So handsome.

You get more like me every day.

I love you.

I mean, how are you?

She's evil, but only I can see it.

Don't listen to her. She's always been a bit paranoid.

I'm not paranoid.

You're turning him against me. You're turning them all against me. You know I

have done everything for her all her life.

But it obviously wasn't enough.

Oh, please, even her tears are void of proof.

Oh, thank you. You see how much I need your support and your wonderful 12 -step

program. Oh, come on. The only time you ever care about 12 steps is when a

police officer tells you to walk a straight line.

Perhaps I am guilty of loving, of living, of, well, a DUI or two.

But what does that make me? A drunk without a license.

But aren't we all drunks here?

Actually, I sniff bleach.

seeking the love and support that our families never gave us. And I pledge to

you that should I manage with your spiritual help to exorcise this ruinous

habit, then I shall be forever in your debt as I go sober into that good life.

That is bullshit. She's probably got booze in her purse.

Billy, fingers are for snapping, not pointing.

Sober, sober.

Oh, see?

That's right. I can't believe you'd stoop to planting liquor in my purse.

Oh.

What are you, morons? What, you're going to believe her?

She said vengeance is her middle name.

No, it's not. It's Penelope.

I'd prove it to you if I still had my license.

Oh, Mr. Tron, listen, I've learned my lesson.

I just want you to know that. And I completely understand you put me in jail

these few short hours so that I could reflect on what I did. Thank you.

What are you doing?

I'm taking pictures to hang in store.

This one happened, you steal from me.

What? Come on, it was like 400 bucks worth of booze.

It was on sale, that $750 worth.

What? I got it stolen down the street for $350.

Smile.

Fine, okay, I'll give you the 400 bucks, okay?

$7 .50. Sale over.

Okay, $7 .50.

I don't want your money.

Your money no good.

Everybody's still for me.

Drunks, kids, movie stars.

I come to this country to work, not chase Christian Slater up sunset at 3 a

What do you want from me?

Oh.

You marry my sister, get her into the United States, I drop charge.

Are you insane? I'm not going to do that.

Think about you very pretty man for jail.

Look, the only evidence that you have against me is my confession, right? I

could have been lying.

Were you lying?

No. Ah. Ah!

Oh, sorry, babe. I wasn't able to raise bail, but here, get you some cigarettes.

Oh, good, thank you. Now I can smoke right after this biker rapes me.

You think that's funny? He said I had a pretty mouth.

I gave you way out.

All you have to swallow, your pride.

The psycho's trying to blackmail me into marrying his sister to get her out of

Vietnam.

You're Vietnamese?

Oh, Mr. Tran, sir, you may be the answer to the hole in my life.

I got wives.

Sir, I, Milt Johnson, owe you an apology.

You steal, too?

Yes. I stole your country's dignity, the lives of your young, your nation's

innocents.

What the fuck you talk about?

Sir, I have an unrepayable debt that I owe to your people.

Here's my down payment.

I will marry.

What?

Milt, listen to what you're saying, man. This is insane.

You drink like Mr.

Gloofinger? Oh, no, sir. I haven't had a drink in 20 years. I haven't shot one

of your countrymen in, wow, must be almost 30.

Okay. You show me driver's license, check stop, proof of insurance.

Milt, you don't have to do this for me. He's not going for you. You stay in

here. Hey, man, this is my final amend.

But, sir, if I'm to marry your sister, you have to set Dave free so that he can

be my best man.

Okay, deal. You get documents, I reduce charges.

Till then, you be everybody's best man.

Got to call Don Hoy, break it to mother, her daughter, Marina Schwarzer.

Then there was the time that I dated, slept with, well, woke up under Gene

Kelly.

Could have been Gene Simmons. No, actually, I think it was Gene Hawtry.

a rhyme.

Yes, now that's a story. Let me tell you about it.

likes me anymore.

Just your imagination.

You've always had an overactive one.

How do you know that?

Your mother told me.

She said all your friends were imaginary.

Well, at least they were supportive. I mean, maybe I should get an imaginary

sponsor. One who's on my side, not my mother's.

Mom, I am not on your mother's side.

Right, you're behind her, kissing her ass.

I can't believe you even had imaginary friends.

None of us see your mother the way that you do.

You know what? You're right.

You're right. We need to see my mother the same way.

So you're ready to welcome her into the program? Yeah, I'm ready to do more than

that. I'm going to throw her a Welcome to Addictions Anonymous surprise party.

Yeah. And if I'm lucky, everyone will be really surprised.

Ah!

Full house.

Take off your shirt. No, I won. Full house.

Uh -huh. Uh -huh.

That's why I'm letting you take it off.

Come on.

It's three paystubs.

Clean bill of health.

Driver's license. I can't let you do this. Marry some woman you never met.

Man, no sacrifice is too great for the burden I carry.

What's this?

Picture of sister. It's the only photo I've heard I have.

Holy fuck.

How old is she?

She's 22, born in the year of dog.

Oh, I don't think so.

More like year of the fox.

Well, let me see it.

Move. She's not yet speaking much English.

Oh, I'll teach her. We'll start with birds.

Oh, my God.

I'll marry her. I'll marry her right now. Too late for you. She engaged a

man with health insurance.

He's with an HMO, man. They kill more people than smoking.

What do you care? You already have a boyfriend.

Yeah. See how well things work out? Oh, man. This is better than the car.

So, what is she, a student?

No, circus acrobat, contortionist. No!

And a date for the wedding?

You guys remember, Debbie, this is a surprise party. So don't jump out

until we hear the S word.

Thank you, darling, for the apology, for the dinner, for the bottle of

champagne. Ah, well, you bought the champagne and drank the whole bottle.

I needed something to wash down that hideous dinner. Mum, should you really

drinking? I mean, aren't you worried about what Clark would think?

Oh, that crepulous, edible sodomite.

Is sodomite the S -word we're waiting for? You know, last night he wept and he

hugged me as I recounted some incident from my tortured past.

That I had seen the night before on a rerun of Jake and the Fat Man.

Aren't you worried about the people in the program?

I mean, they care about you and... Is Grotty and Basilic sick of that?

Or are you sick of them, the word?

They are so mired in self -pity.

They don't know the difference between an honest cry for help and a fart in a

number 10 envelope.

What was it you wanted to tell me, darling?

Surprise!

Seems the surprise is on me.

And me.

When you die, I want to know where you're buried so I can dance.

What did the judge give you? Well, community service. You know, I got to

that food to the indigent and clean up their vomit. Basically the same thing I

do here.

And I see that you've kicked that nasty knitting habit.

Yes, and it was very easy to do. I knit myself a patch.

Put your hands on the cheap before I blow your head off.

Please tell me where I can find the $5 whorehouse.

Man, I got to get me a new Facebook before the wedding.

You're good for nothing.