Original subtitles

No matter where I go, somebody's got to see. I've got to see the basics, I don't

know any real.

Where will I find someone to understand?

Since you two are a disaster waiting to happen... Which never waits.

We, your sponsors, have put together a little peace treaty that we'd like you

sign. In blood.

As long as it is.

Like you haven't sucked it all out of me.

Okay, okay, fine, fine, fine. Use a pen.

The blood was just metaphorical.

This is so exciting.

Kind of like the salt talks.

You know, salt...

The solutions about love treaty.

Or the psychotic annoying lush treaty. Psychotic doesn't start with S, you

moron. But suck my dick does.

No, that starts with P, as in please, please, please suck my dick. This is

to become the shut up before I rip your lungs out treaty.

You know something, Milt?

Anger is a little like a 300 -pound hooker.

It's a cheap way for you to get off, but it just isn't pretty.

That reminds me, I have to call my sister.

Ah, free at last.

Dave, I have a lovely partying gift for you.

Oh, yeah, like you're going to be able to stop stalking me and just move on to

somebody else. Just like that.

Brian.

Apparently so.

It's in the ink on the treaty. It's an even drive.

Hey, Billy, you ready to go?

I am so ready I started without you.

Sounds like I've got some catching up to do. Oh, don't worry. I'm easy to catch.

So is malaria.

She is immature, annoying, and rude.

God, is she hot.

Let me refer you to paragraph six of the treaty you just signed.

What? I said she was hot.

Yeah, so is napalm. Why don't you try sticking your dick in that?

It'll be less painful.

I'm no chemist, but I doubt that's true.

Well, you've tried one and I've tried the other, so I guess we'll never know.

Only in the jungle, huh?

You're going to knock out a lens.

Look, man, if you don't like abuse, you've got to start hanging with someone

other than Billy.

Someone who's supportive, loving, caring. You know what I'm telling you?

move out of Hollywood.

What, you think I go looking for the wrong women?

Looking? Man, you take out full -page ads.

Scary, slutty, called A.

That's not fair.

Come here.

Come here, come here. What? Come here.

See that chick over there?

What, the ivory soap girl with the kittens?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, that's the kind of decent, loving, sensitive woman that

you need.

Go see if you can fuck her.

Excuse me, miss.

I own the coffee shop.

Oh, I bet you don't allow animals in here, right?

I'm sorry.

I just found these poor little guys over at the Mission where I volunteer, and I

just thought maybe someone in here would be able to give them a nice home.

Would you like to hold one? Sure.

You know, a lot of women have told me that I have a way with their cats, just

not in those words.

It's nice.

I had a great time tonight.

Although, had I known we were going ice skating, I would have worn underwear.

No, I wouldn't.

Well, you certainly were a big hit with the Mighty Might hockey team.

How about a body check?

I'm glad you had fun.

I was a little worried there. You kept falling.

Oh, for you? I mean, I'm a natural clerk. Oh, no, look.

Oh, my hero.

I guess this is the uncomfortable moment at the end of the date, huh?

Oh, no. That's about an hour off. Two if you've been taking your vitamin. No

pressure. Sounds tempting, but I gotta go.

This is the uncomfortable moment at the end of the day.

Oh, man, Match Adams is the best lesbian porn film I have ever seen, and I have

seen many. Well, obviously, you've never seen My Fair Livia.

Actually, I have. Thank you for leaving the bathroom door open.

Well, anything to knock a few bucks off the rent.

Oh, okay.

Popcorn's ready. Would you pause it? I don't want to miss the climax.

He just came back from a date and you'll never guess. The most unbelievable

thing just happened.

He wouldn't sleep with you.

It's not only not unbelievable, it's easily guessable.

You're kind of funny. So you wanted to put out and he wouldn't put it in, huh?

What the hell are you doing here?

Residing. You know, I thought this is my apartment so I might as well live here.

Come on, tell us what happened with Brian.

None of your business.

Look, everything was going great, okay? But after we kissed, he disappeared

faster than a stray dog in Koreatown.

I mean, he was obviously just intimidated by my beauty, huh, Jack?

I know we are.

Well, the fact that you kissed him explains the whole thing.

What?

Okay. Now that we're just friends, I guess I can say this. What? What?

When you kiss, there's too much teeth.

What? Teeth.

You know.

You liar. If I'm such a bad kisser, how come you never complained about it

before, huh?

He did, constantly.

I'm just going to go watch some like it twice. You know, I cannot believe that

you try to boost your pathetic little ego by criticizing my sexual performance

to a disinterested third party. Oh, I was interested.

I'm just trying to help you. Oh, really?

Well, let's see if I can help you.

Hmm. When you fuck too little dick.

Did that help?

Do you feel helped now, Dave?

Obviously. Someone has a hard time taking a little constructive criticism.

constructive, my ass. I am a great kisser. The best, baby. In fact, I have

awards for my kissing.

From who?

From the kissing awards people.

Okay,

I'll prove it. Come on, you kiss me. Oh, man, it's great. This is better than

true clit.

Let's go.

Have I mentioned your nipple kissing?

Too toothy also. Could you prove me wrong on that as well? Shut up.

Let's go. Hey! What? Haven't you breeders ever heard a foreplay? You

usually I like a little dinner, a few compliments.

Okay, here you go. You've eaten, you look hot. Plant one on me.

Ow!

Too much nose!

You're really bad at this. I'm nervous.

Okay, you go to the left, I go to the right on the count of three. Are you

ready? Ready.

One, two, three.

Ow! Too much skull!

Fuck it!

Come on.

Huh? So?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

This has been a test. Only a test if this had been a real lesbian experience.

You would have a U -Haul with all your furniture in it. So?

Too much teeth? Not for me.

I love toothy dames.

So, Craig, do you remember anything unusual about having sex with me?

I did what?

I appreciate you erasing that from your memory.

And the videotape.

Well,

at least you didn't mention my teeth.

Eight men down, hundreds to go.

I wish I could remember more of these guys' phone numbers or names.

Or having sex with them.

We could just dial randomly.

Odds are we'll hit one.

Hey, I have an idea.

Kiss me. Hey, I have a better idea. No.

Oh. Come on, just close your eyes and pretend I'm Ricky Martin.

Thanks, but I'll pass.

Out. Clark, I need an unbiased opinion here.

So the person you ask is a germophobic homosexual who's afraid of girls?

And germs?

And girls' germs? Oh!

You know, if you're afraid of germs, you really shouldn't be on my floor.

Come on, Clark, it'll be quick and painless.

That's what Mother used to say, and it was neither.

Oh, Clark.

Clark, look, look, look, look. It won't be that bad. It won't be that bad, okay?

If you're that worried about germs, we will brush before and after.

What about during?

I can't use your toothbrush.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I keep a few extras for unexpected guests. What color do you

want?

Periwinkle.

Got it.

Soft, medium, or hard bristle?

Medium.

No problem.

Fuller, compact head.

Compact, and you're scaring me.

Shut up and brush.

I'm flattered and honored, and, um, don't take this personally.

Pissing you will make me vomit.

So what? You lose weight.

Let's go.

Come on.

It's okay, okay.

Let me...

Don't move. Okay.

Do you have a dental dam?

Clark! Okay, okay.

Just make it quick.

That was fantastic!

Oh, thank

you so much for coming with me. I totally forgot it was my night to read

children's ward.

You were just wonderful with them. Well, yeah, I was going to be a doctor before

I dropped out of medical school.

Well, what happened?

Oh, a little career change. Decided to become an alcoholic instead.

Well, you certainly haven't lost your bedside manner.

Just wait.

I don't think I can.

Well, and

the doctor will see you now.

But, Doctor, after such a long night saving lives, why not let Nurse Polly do

all the work?

Okay.

I'm just going to slip into something a little more comfortable.

Oh, uh, yeah. Can I give you a hand?

Like, anywhere? Lie still!

Okay.

Oh.

Oh, no, you're right.

You'll have things well.

In hand.

Oh, my God.

Oh, you feel good.

You feel so good. I mean, you could do this for a living.

I do.

What?

Now, shut up.

Have I mentioned my visa is maxed out?

Silence! Now, don't worry, Dave.

This is my night off. Yeah? I just really love what I do for a living.

you.

Lucky me. Have you ever had the Marquis de Sade?

No. No, I haven't. But I will!

I'll write a book report.

Oh, my God.

Have I mentioned I don't have any health insurance?

What happened to the kittens there, Pop?

Mom, are you even listening to me? What do you think, darling? Can you wear

alligator pumps with a leather skirt?

Not to an animal rights dinner.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God, you reminded me.

Last time I wore my sable, Kim Basinger was so upset she actually made a facial

expression.

How about this facial expression?

All right, technically, darling, that is more of a gesture. And if you knew

that, perhaps you'd get more acting work. Come on, darling, quickly, do me

haven't even said what I've come over to say.

Perfect. Everything's going according to plan.

Mother, this is an emergency. Listen, I had a date last night who was able to

say no to this.

You call that an emergency?

Here's a quarter. Call me when you get a tumour. No, no, no, Mum, listen.

This is worse. I've lost my touch with men and I'm not done touching them.

You just have to touch yourself then.

Darling, come on.

I'm sure it was a fluke. Oh, you are delightful.

Everyone wants to spend time with you. I'm off.

Mum, are you sure it was a fluke? No, but I really need to get to this dinner.

Ta -ta.

success with men because you were young beautiful and easier to get than

venereal warts now that you're older if you want to hook a man you have to

develop a good personality what yes i know dear but it must be done are you

sure i mean i always thought good personality was code for she's ugly yeah

been expanded to include those over shall we say 29 and i was too busy

develop a good personality. If I have to count on the one I have, I'm fucked. Or

unfucked, as the case may be.

Oh, fuck.

Personality can't be that bad.

I was on the cover of Tiger Peak.

Of course, I gave the photographer a head.

But we were very chatty before and after.

Well, chatty's good.

What did you chat about?

I believe I said something like, are you sure the facts of life girls had to do

this? Oh, those girls.

Still wasn't enough.

All I know is I never had trouble getting laid when I was drinking. You

had trouble getting hired or getting dressed or getting up, but never getting

laid. Well, things change in sobriety. I mean, when I was drinking, I was a

total whore.

Oh, you were a slut?

No, I was a whore.

But I didn't charge, which was confusing.

Maybe I wasn't a whore.

Maybe I was just a crazy gaunt man standing by the side of the road begging

people to fuck me. No, get out. It's a fan. She has my hands bound up with

leather straps.

Wait, wait, wait a minute.

The kitten lady tied you up?

In knots with her beauty.

Yes, she had me tied up, and I liked it. Even when she was spanking me with a

spatula. Oh, it reminded me to never eat pancakes at your house.

So the arbor soap lady wasn't so pure.

Oh, she's pure, pure.

Evil. Well, I guess it's worth trying anything once.

Well, once. I'm seeing her again tonight.

Do you think I might have had a better personality when I drank?

Well, I certainly hope so.

Well, I wish I could remember what it was.

So do I.

Hey, maybe your personality just seemed better because your dates were drunk.

Good point.

So it's settled.

I will only go out with drunk guys.

Because it's hard to find fault when you can't even find your car.

And my response to that would be a big fat no.

Oh, come on. I'm a recovering drunk, not a recovering slut. And, you know, since

I can't drink anymore, I was just, you know, hoping to fill up the emptiness

inside of me with cock.

Well, we all hope for that.

You know, Billy, learning who you are sober is kind of like knifing a prison

guard. It may mean you need to spend a little time alone.

That reminds me, I have to call my brother.

Mom, you're not even listening to me. Darling, all I ever do is listen to you.

Ever since you were a child, you badgered me with your little problems.

Maybe I... I've got a splinter. Mummy, I've had a bad dream. Mummy, I am stuck

in the trunk of a car and my cell phone battery is running low.

I still cannot believe you fixed me up with that lunatic.

Stop whining. He had a Porsche.

It's worth a very small trunk.

I got stuck in there for three hours with a set of golf clubs squished

my thighs.

Well, you still haven't thanked me.

Trust me, you are the last person I wanted to go to for personality lessons

then I realized that you get late all the time and you're old.

And you're out of the will. Not that you were ever in it. Ta -ta.

Mom, can't you see I need help? Oh, darling, Stevie Wonder could see that

his dog could smell it. But what's that got to do with me?

I need to know how to develop a personality that men will like. Or at

to fake one.

Oh, finally.

Write this down.

Rule number one.

Laugh at his jokes, but never at his penis.

Can I laugh at his balls?

Not only behind his back.

Well, if his balls are behind his back, he's probably used to people laughing at

him. Well, stop if you will, but these rules were handed down by your great

-grandmother, Rivka, the saucebox of Pinsk.

Saucebox? Tsar Nicholas II wrote in his journal, nothing excites me more than an

evening with Rivka, except perhaps torching a shtetl.

Oh, and what girl doesn't love being compared to the organized massacre of

helpless Jews?

Riska. Pogrom. Riska.

Pogrom. Rule number two.

Only show him your good side.

The left.

What's wrong with my right?

It's wrong.

How can my right be wrong?

I don't know. These are Riska's rules. We can't ask her what they mean. God,

she's dead.

I can't believe I've been reduced to following dating tips from a dead Polish

swine. Rule number three.

When the man speaks.

Pretend to be interested and say, really?

Then what?

Really? No, no, no.

Really? Then what?

Really? Then what? Not bad.

Act surprised.

Really? Great.

I'll be so interested that you're on the edge of your seat.

Then what?

Oh, if I risk her, I think she's got him.

Really? Then what?

Really? Then what?

Good, good, dear. Moving on. Do I really fall for this shit? Well, if you happen

to be in the bar of the Hotel Nico at 8 this evening, you'll see for yourself.

Really?

You know, Polly, what we did the other night was

really, it was fun, but the whip is... That's the beginning.

Now, Dave, don't be afraid. After all, you can't spell smile without S and M.

Well, you can't spell scream either.

Now, relax.

Contrary to appearance, you are the one calling all the shots.

What shots?

No, no, no. Nobody said anything about shots.

Were you aware that the breath is one of the most sensitive areas on the entire

male anatomy? Sensitive. Yes, well put. Well put.

Now look, Dave, if I go too far, all you have to do is say the safe word and

I'll stop.

Say the safe word? Oh, God, thank God. What is the safe word? Well, it could be

anything except no or stop or ouch. You get it?

No.

Ouch! Stop!

Stop!

Okay, okay, what if I just say jeez?

I love it. I love it, Dave.

Now we have total communication.

Cheese.

Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. And I think we have this year's Christmas

And

then

I went to accounting school.

Really? Then what?

I became an accountant.

Really? Then what?

I started accounting.

Really?

Then what?

Look, I'm used to people making fun of what I do, but you're just mean.

Really?

Then what?

Stop it. Stop it.

You know, Sid,

some people have multiple personalities. I can't even develop one.

It's too hard to get a personality.

I can't do it.

You have one.

You're a quitter.

And a hitter, so back off.

You know what I'm gonna do?

Hit me?

Uh, after that.

No, I'm gonna become a lesbian.

Oh. Yeah, because then I can get fat, quit shaving my legs, and get laid

whenever I want.

Are you trying to be offensive?

Why, do you guys like that?

No, we don't.

Oh. Talk about a shitty personality.

I don't want to offend anybody, but I've seen a lot of fat, hairy lesbians.

Hi. Hi.

Look, Billy, I feel really bad about running out on you the other night.

Oh, I didn't give it a second thought.

Or a first.

Brad?

Brian. Whatever.

Anyway, did you leave something here? Oh, no, I forgot.

You didn't come in.

That's why I'm here now.

I feel terrible about this, and I hope that you won't hate me, but the reason I

ran out on you the other night is I'm married.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. What a relief.

It is?

Yes. I mean, you know, I thought you ran out on me because of my teeth.

Your teeth? Yeah, or my personality.

Are you kidding me? You tried to fuck me on the first date. You're happy I'm

married? You have a great personality.

Tell me something I don't know.

Uh, give me some whipped cream. Whipped? Where?

So, getting whipped ain't all it's cracked up to be, huh?

Well, at least you don't have to pick cotton and sing.

It's hard to sing with a ball gag in your mouth.

Hey, it's hard to tap dance with your ankles chained together like my great

-granddaddy did. So, what's your point? Point is, I have a choice.

Break up with this girl before she breaks my kneecaps.

I don't know why you went out with her in the first place. Because you told me

to. What?

I would hit you if I could still make a fist.

You know, I mean, if you were sleeping.

Are you still feeling tough?

Yeah, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Hi, baby.

I miss you.

Not very often. You want to see the welts?

Sweet. Cheese.

Polly, you're a very nice person.

And I'm not just saying that because you have a cattle prod in your purse. I do

not.

I have testicle weight.

Oh, it's your evening bag.

Now, be that as it may, I think we have to see other people.

In my case, a doctor.

Are you breaking up with me? Teeth?

Yes. I mean, come on, I'm not an S &M guy.

You know, I'm more of an M &M guy. And even then, the peanut ones, they hurt my

teeth. You know, I'm sorry.

But I opened up to you.

As did I, hence the hitches.

How can you be so cruel?

You must really get some kind of sick pleasure out of hurting people.

Interesting. Trying to destroy another woman's car. Confident.

What's the matter with her, Mrs. Dave?

Too much tongue?

I see your search for a personality turned up nothing.

Oh, well, I have news for you. See, I don't need a personality.

Brian came back, and he likes me just the way I am.

Thoughtless and horny.

Oh, and he doesn't think I use too much teeth.

At least you still have teeth. You wouldn't even believe what I just went

through. Well, I'd ask you to tell me about it, but I'm too pretty to care.

Come to me, my little Polish saucebox.

Really? Then what?

Then I will tell you how I burned your family's village. Oh, by the way, they

send their regards.

Really?

Then what?

Then they died.

I don't approve, but it makes the Cossacks happy.

Oh, really?

Then what?

I think that Rasputin's fucking my wife.

Really?

Then what?

Darling, are those the only three words that you know?

Really?

Then what?

Those three are enough, yeah.