Original subtitles

Hey, no matter where I go, somebody's got to see. I got to see the basics.

I don't know any way.

Where will I find someone who understands?

Your on -again, off -again relationship with Dave, is he on you or off you?

Off. Way off.

He says when he's on me, he wants to drink.

Oh, it's the same for me on planes or trains or limps or gondolas or dog

So I like to travel. You mock the person who combed the earth and found you a

date. Oh, Mother, no.

Oh, Billy, oh.

Mother, last time you set me up, it was with a mime.

Are you sure it was a mime? You do have a tendency to dominate the conversation.

They took him a half an hour to mime out our dinner order.

Apparently it's difficult to act out bruschetta.

Oh, no wonder mimes are so thin. Listen, I don't think you'll have any trouble

with this lad.

You and he have so much in common. He's a has -been, too.

He was one of those tots, you know, on that show, ten is too many?

Or as me and my friends used to call it, look who's Catholic.

Which one was it?

Petey Peterson.

Petey? Yeah.

He was handsome.

Yeah, I did a March of Dimes telethon with him.

Of course, the only reason I agreed to do it was because I thought they said

dime bags.

So what's he doing these days? Oh, nothing. Just like you. Well, sort of

nothing. He's the tennis pro at my club, but nothing good like you.

Wow, what'd you say about me?

I made you sound good. If he asks, last week you did a pilot.

Fantasy Prairie.

Fantasy Prairie?

I didn't say it'd be picked up. I just want to give you something to talk about

on your date. Yeah, but why can't I just talk about my real life?

Yeah, you're right. Good point.

Bagel and a cup.

I don't know whether to put your tip on the counter or in your G -string. Hey,

if it's more than five bucks, you can put it anywhere you want. If it's more

than 20, I'll throw in a lap dance.

I'll pass.

Thanks to now, I have enough images that haunt me. I'm just saying, Dave's has

become a full service establishment, and I will be servicing you a little bit

later. God, I feel good, Mel. You know, instead of thinking about myself, I'm

thinking about others.

You ought to think about what you're doing.

Just pour coffee in my orange juice.

Meant to do that.

That is a citricino that's on the house.

Howdy, drunk.

Oh, speaking of bitter mistake, here's Billy.

Guess who has the day.

Guess who doesn't care.

Guess who's going to tell you about it anyway.

You. Right.

No. He's a TV star.

Really? In the same way that you're a TV star? Yes.

I mean, no. I mean, shut up.

Anyway, he's gorgeous.

And the best thing about him is...

He's not in the program.

So he's not in the program and he's not on a program?

Oh, go have a flashback.

Are you going to tell him that you're in the program?

Like, what are you going to say if he asks you what kind of wine you'd like

dinner? Well, it depends if we're having meat or fish.

I'm kidding. I mean, besides, how do you know he's going to take me out to

dinner? You know, maybe we'll just go out and have a few drinks. So in other

words, your motto is don't be prepared.

No, I'm bringing a condom.

So. What about you, Dave?

You got any hot plans for the night?

No. I'm going to go visit Jackie in rehab because nothing makes you feel

than helping those in need. You know what I mean? Oh, wait a second. No, you

don't. Oh, wait. Yes, I do. See, I sent her some homemade cookies.

Homemade? Okay, well, maybe not made in my home, but in someone's. And if not,

in a factory, which is home to the workers who work there, right? You know,

during the war, nothing brightened our daylight.

Cookies made in the factory.

Anyway, I am going to go brighten Jackie's day. I can just imagine the

she's going through all alone, shaking, sweating, writhing on the floor of her

padded cell.

I can't believe you won't come visit me.

I only started shooting up so we could spend more time together.

Hello?

Hello?

Your grandmother?

thing. I thought we had something special.

We shared so much and not just needles.

Wow, no bra. Your breasts can just stand up like that by themselves.

Are you so lovely, bra? Well, there's a lot to love.

You know what? You should get back at him by sleeping with someone else.

You're right.

I should get right back on that horse.

Back on that horse.

Not the best expression to use in the smack wing.

No, I mean, I should sleep with another guy.

You know, if you really want to get back at him, you should sleep with a woman.

At least that's what I do.

You have the most amazing eyes.

I could get lost with them.

I could leave you a trail of red crows.

Oh, yeah?

Where would they leave me? South.

Oh, yeah? To your heart?

Oh, yeah, that too.

God, it's been such a long time, Petey. I go by Peter now.

Peter Peterson.

Yeah, that's much better. Yeah.

Do you remember the last time we saw each other? It was March of Dimes? Yes,

tell us about it. Exactly.

We did that ridiculous dance number dressed as giant dimes. We were so

I know.

You knocked me off the stage.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry about that. Okay. Hey, but you were the one who changed the words to

song, remember?

Oh, yeah, but they weren't that bad.

But, um, Timmy was born without any feet, and your money get a tax -free

You were terrible.

You know, it's the only telethon in history where the toe point actually

down. I'm telling you, those kids would have kicked the shit out of us if they

had any feet.

Oh, that's bad.

I like bad.

Those young people on the course really made me feel old today.

Why? I mean, we didn't even play. We just went for drinks.

They kept staring at us. We stood out like a wrinkled thumb.

You're being silly. You look exactly the same as the day I met you.

Of course I do. I meant you. You make me look old.

It's not your fault. It's just that nature is taking its course.

Unfortunately, it's a downhill course.

Wait a minute. I take care of myself. I eat right. I exercise.

Well, so does a chimpanzee. But you wouldn't want one on your arm at the

theatre. You know, even a monkey has feelings. Of course they do, darling.

just saying that everyone can use a little help when old age creeps up on

Or, in your case, pounces.

Wait a minute. How much help are we talking about here? I don't want to end

looking like Herb Goldblum. He went in for a facelift and now his ears touch.

Don't be silly.

I'm just talking about a little renovation.

Maybe your hair, perhaps some new clothes. Nothing major.

All right, well, if it'll make you happy. Fantastic.

I'll start getting estimates.

There you are. You took the liberty of ordering your cocktail.

Oh, thank you.

Boy, the way it just fits there.

On the table.

Look at mine. It's dancing.

It's attacking me.

I hate when that happens.

What do you do?

I thought you drank like a fish.

Oddly enough, even fish don't drink like fish because if they did, they'd drink

up all the water and they'd be stuck in a bowl with just gravel or maybe a

little castle if they were lucky.

So, what I mean to say is, um, thanks, but I'll pass.

Okay, more for me.

If I'd have known you didn't want any, I would have gotten you two.

God never did anything like this for me.

Well, you ain't seen nothing yet.

I had some trouble getting champagne, so tap water.

For two.

We'll have to make our own bubbles.

Here's our room coordinator for putting us together instead of sticking me with

Carol, who thinks she's a goat.

Well, I'll drink to that.

You're so funny.

It's so easy to talk to.

I really feel like I can open up with you.

From your lips to my tongue.

Bologna? On Wednesday?

But how?

I told you I'd take care of you.

Music, bologna, tap water?

Doesn't get any better than this. Wait, the night is young.

I'm so sorry.

Matthew's got used to pee on me.

Well, I'm a step up from urine.

Surprise!

Wow, you're great.

Dave, what are you doing here?

I came by to help. You don't think I'm going to stand by and let you lick this

thing on your own. Would you?

Jackie, come on, let me in. I really want to see you.

I'm sorry.

I'm about to start physical therapy.

Okay. Can you come back tomorrow?

Sure.

Enjoy the chocolate.

Who's that? Must have been one of the speed freaks from upstairs because by

time I opened the door, she was gone.

Why don't we just skip dinner and go right to dessert?

I hope you like chocolate. Doesn't everyone?

I think so, but some people don't want to admit it.

This? Good.

I don't like to trespass on my first date. Really?

Well, there's nothing I won't do on my first date. That's what your mother

Well, you see, she finally told the truth.

So...

Is that a bottle in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Actually, it's a bottle.

It is?

But I am happy.

This brings back memories.

Well, this will get rid of them.

Mmm, they taste so good.

Mmm.

So do you.

That's like the best kiss I've ever had.

Well, there's a lot more where that came from.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm.

I'm a little nervous. I've never been with a woman before.

I'll be gentle.

Or not.

What would you like?

I like the fact that you asked me what I like. Scott never did.

When we're released, I'm going to find Scott.

And I'm going to kick his non -asking, non -visiting, no -baloney -buying butt.

My hero.

Wow, that feels kind of nice.

Glad you're enjoying it, darling.

Perfect, darling.

I think I know where I want to put the salt and the lime.

I know where I want to put the worm.

This is so weird. I feel like I'm drunk.

Me too.

Wait, I am.

Hey, let me know if I'm coming on too strong.

You are an incredible kid.

Oh, just like everybody else.

I take your pants off one leg at a time.

I thought it's a girl this time.

Good morning.

Hey, good morning, beautiful.

Hey, handsome.

I had a really great time last night.

Didn't I?

Well, it looked like you did, and it felt like you did, and I'd go with this.

It settled then. I had a wonderful time.

And so did you.

But sadly, my dear, I must go to work now. They say all good things must come

an end.

Don't listen to them. I mean, they don't know what they're talking about. They

also say it's darkest before the dawn, and that's not true. It's actually a

little bit light before the dawn.

That's like the cutest thing ever.

So are you.

See you around.

He'll see me around?

Good night.

If I could remember, I'd tell you.

Man, I've been there.

No one's blacked out for an entire week.

It's terrifying.

The only good thing was I missed the macarena.

That's nothing. I missed disco.

Both times.

Maybe you want to check this out.

Not a dance instructor, are you?

No. Got a great 12 -step.

Addiction's anonymous.

What are you, the booze fairy?

Hey, man, just because a guy is friendly lives in West Hollywood.

Don't take this personally.

Oh,

nice distance.

You said a little renovating. They did less work on the Statue of Liberty.

Well, if you ask me, she could use a boob job.

She had bigger tits. She could attract more than the tired and the poor.

Well, after all this work, I'm the tired and the poor. What do I need these

lifts for? I'm already 5 '7". That is not short.

Maybe not in Thailand, darling.

Oh, don't cry, don't. Your tears will smudge the concealer.

I can't help it. These colour contacts are burning my eye.

Beauty is painful.

Why do you think I keep a purse full of Percodan? Because they don't have a

patch for it yet.

Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the tanning bed this morning. I'm lucky

woke up at all. You didn't have to lock me in there. Yes, I did. You kept

bitching about cancer.

Oh, now what? I thought you liked my hair color. Oh, I do, but the carpet's

to match the drapes.

Where's Dave? I want to talk to him about my date.

We're looking for him. He's not here.

Then I'll talk to you.

I'd rather have Charlie sticking needles in my balls.

Well, you can tell me about your date later. First, I want to tell you about

one. He was romantic, charming, funny.

The only problem is, he drinks, I don't.

That won't last.

I once had a sponsee. He was doing great. Then he started dating this

You know what he's doing now?

Directing traffic in his underwear.

Well, that'll never happen to me because, you know, I don't...

You missed the point, kid.

Thong or no thong, you should give this guy the boot.

Okay, first you don't want me to hang out with Dave. Now you don't want me to

see this guy.

Nils. Are you jealous?

Yes, I'm jealous of all the people who aren't talking to you right now.

you say.

Anyway, the point is, we had a really good time.

The bad thing was that at the end of the date, you know what he said?

I'll see you around.

What?

Come on, what? Is that bad? What does it mean?

It means he'll be around, just not around you. How do you know that?

Baby, all men know.

I'll see you around.

It's guy code for why did I even give her my real name.

Look, it's him.

Look. Look, it's him. It's girl code for don't look.

I guess when he said I'll see you around, he meant around three.

Billy. I can't believe you tracked me down.

I can hardly believe it myself.

Is this where the meetings are?

Yeah. Don't tell me you're coming to my meeting.

Okay, I won't. But you'll be surprised when you see me there.

Oh, my God.

Are you giving up drinking because of our date?

It could be that. In fact, it is.

Must be the fifth analogy.

Yeah,

and the incredible example I was setting without even knowing it.

They say it's a program of attraction, and, you know, who could be more

attractive than me?

I guess I'm just a gorgeous sobriety magnet. Come on.

Definitely by pulling.

Jackie, I'm waiting for you in the shower.

I'm coming, dear, and I even scored some soap.

Hi. I know why you couldn't let me in last night is because you have a hard

accepting love, but don't worry, I'm here to love you until you can love

yourself. I love that, but could you let me in from afar, at least the hallway?

Why? Jack?

Hello.

Hello. I'm Dave, and you are naked?

Oh.

You didn't want to come back to rehab.

So not only did I not drink last night, but I inspired my date to come to his

first meeting.

I won't tell you who he is, but I'm pretty sure you'll all recognize him

TV.

And now that I've discovered my amazing ability to help others, I realize it is

my duty to date as many handsome alcoholics as I can.

Not you.

I mean, you're already in the program, and besides, police.

Obviously, someone hasn't grasped the concept of a power greater than herself.

Anyone else want to share?

Yeah, look, here, we have a newcomer here. I mean, I'm sure he would love to

share his inspiring story with us.

Uh, hi, I'm Peter, and, uh...

i'm a you know uh an alcoholic an alcoholic it's really hard

for me to say just thinking about last night makes me want to throw up oh your

first time maybe you really should just listen let the man finish and don't

leave out anything i'm sure we can all learn from what you've been through well

i've i've been following a long time just waiting to hit bottom

Well, I think that I finally hit it last night. My bottom's the bottom? I

blacked out, so I don't remember everything.

I thought I had a high bottom.

What I do know is that my entire life is an act. And it's well rehearsed. Let me

tell you, I go out with these girls and I pretend like I'm having a wonderful

time. Hell, they probably even think I'm in love with them. But I feel nothing.

Except shame.

Maybe you should just keep that shame thing to yourself.

You know, you're right. The important thing here is that if I hadn't spent the

night at Billy's apartment, I wouldn't be here today.

Thank God somebody finally came into my life and realized the pain that I've

been in.

That's me. I'm a helper.

It's just fate that I met this wonderful person, and I only wish that they were

here so I could thank them.

Hello.

Anyway, wherever you are, thanks, Dave.

Dave? What, you're thanking Dave?

Did Dave let you drink tequila out of his belly button?

Just curious.

Wow.

Do you work out?

Oh, you know, I try to do some push -ups every day.

Do you want to do some now?

I could spot you from underneath.

Dave?

Your best friend's ready to spend some time with you.

Why don't we go to the rec room and play Monopoly? I'll be a little spooky.

There is no little boon in Monopoly.

There is an hour set and a crack house on Baltic Avenue.

I'd like to monopolize you.

Start with me.

Dave!

What are you doing? You're supposed to be helping me.

I am.

I'm good guy Dave. I help others and in turn help myself.

Well, you're helping yourself to my girlfriend.

I'm sorry. I didn't know she was your girlfriend.

Well, I'm not.

Hey, eating fish on Friday one time doesn't make you Catholic.

Besides, can you blame me? No.

I blame him.

I thought you were my friend. I am.

Look, she walked out naked, stacked, and liking me. Do you know how rare that is

for all three things to happen at once? That's like an eclipse, okay? You're not

supposed to look at it, but you can't help yourself. Yeah, you can't help

yourself. That's why you have to leave now.

Girls, it's getting kind of loud in here. Do I have to put you in separate

rooms? Yeah.

No. Do what you're done.

Hey.

Bologna? How'd you get bologna in the middle of the week?

I'll come and visit you wherever they put you.

So, you want to pee on me?

I'm sorry?

That's it for today, people.

Careful on your way out, kleptomaniac. Have the room, Nick.

Wow. Are these meetings always this great?

It's a fine great.

Well, I feel like I got a lot off my chest.

Oh, well, I feel like you got a lot off your chest, too, although I don't feel

so great about it.

Hmm, I wonder why that is.

Maybe it's because you humiliated me in front of all my friends.

Or at least people I know.

What are you talking about? You are rude, selfish, and thoughtless.

Okay, so we have that in common, but at least on me it's cute.

Uh, no, it's not. Shut up, Milt.

Tilly, I didn't mean to say that you made me feel bad. I forgot I was

with hundreds of women.

And even some men. Hey!

more things to get off your chest that make me feel like shit i thought you'd

happy for me you know i am happy for you i am i hope you stay sober because then

you will remember every detail when i come to your little tennis club and tell

all your little friends that this guy makes me feel ashamed and not just so

guessing that you don't want to go out again oh no i'll see you around

sure that the waitress didn't really think you were my mother.

How could you talk me into all those changes? You're just a selfish little

But honey, I thought this is what you wanted. Look, look, I'll do anything

that'll make you happy.

Oh, I'm so glad you did that.

I'll start making the necessary appointments.

Appointments for what?

To put it all back the way it was. Maybe worse.

What? You want me to get liver spot tattoos?

Oh, good. Thinking, Max, yes, perhaps double chin implants and dentures.

Wait a minute, I'll have my own teeth.

Oh, you won't if you don't go along with me on this. All right, but I'm keeping

a limp.

Yeah, you can keep one.

That way people will think you've got a limp.