Original subtitles

No matter where I go, somebody's got to see. I got to see the basics. I don't

know.

I've been waiting three and a half hours in this hospital.

Admit it, there are no doctors. This is all a vicious, cruel, practical joke.

Gotcha.

Oh,

I'm all wet.

So you do like it.

Grandma, I'm having the baby right now.

Ahora. How dare you call me a whore?

Excuse me, have I mentioned I'm having...

I need a toe splint and a morphine drip.

Oh, thank you so much. No, thank you. Oh,

I think we got here at the... Can't you see the whole water's broken?

Oh, is that all it takes? Water, water everywhere.

Well, there you are.

Broken water, broken glass. I win.

Can I get you another blanket?

A pillow?

Jello?

What? I don't think you'd be hungry.

Oh, yeah, the sailing really fills me up. Oh, honey, if you're hungry, I

your favorite.

Sugarless wheat syrup treat.

Oh, yeah, which flavor? Alfalfa or bean curd?

Bowie. Treats.

More like threats.

I can see why you ran away from home.

Which isn't easy when your home's a window bagel. Because it can chase you.

Aw, thanks, you guys, for being here.

I hope I didn't put you out.

No. God, I was at my sister -in -law's baby shower.

Okay, ten more minutes and I would have been in a coma.

And I was taking a tour of Jerry Garcia's childhood home.

Very quietly so as not to disturb the family that lives there now.

So, um, what you guys are saying is I picked the perfect time to O .D.

You know, it wasn't so good for me that one who found the body... Oh, God, Dave,

come on. Come on, she just got out of a coma and you're already criticizing her.

Yeah, Dave, I mean, you try coming out of a coma, Dave. Fine, yeah, I'm going

put that on my list of things to do. Just buy the groceries, wash my car, and

come out of a coma.

Speaking of coming out, honey, I just want to say that I respect your choice

uh, listen to Melissa Gilbert albums.

What? Mom, do you mean, um, Melissa Etheridge?

Whichever one's a lesbian.

I'm so sorry. It just, it came out.

Well, apparently so did I, Dave.

Look, honey, I'm the last person to judge.

After all, I'm in a relationship with a dead guy.

Some people, you know, think that's strange.

Well, you know what they say.

A rolling stone gathers no more.

I gotta hit the road.

You're not leaving.

Have to. Remains of the dead are playing at the Fresno Ramada tonight.

The dead are playing the Ramada?

Yeah. I'm not so grateful anymore.

Well, thanks for coming, Mom. We should do this more often.

Well, you know, maybe not this. Exactly.

Maybe next time we could do something that doesn't involve a brush with death.

Like, uh, categories.

Anyway, so nice to meet you both.

Yeah. Uh -huh. And, uh, Angel, keep on drinking.

Right on, Mom.

Let me walk you out. Bye, Mom.

Bye.

I don't believe it. What, you're just going to leave her?

Oh, I've got to be a bad concert.

You know, they have so few fans left, they really notice when one of us

shout. Screw the Grateful Dead!

Not that easy.

They've got security.

Look, lady, I don't know if this hippy -dippy act that you've got going is real

or not, but your daughter almost died. Can't the dead wait just once?

Wait for what?

For to stop you?

It's never going to happen.

Look, I understand how you feel.

No, you don't.

She's not your daughter.

Then how can you give up on her?

I'll never give up on her.

But I've got to keep my distance.

In Addictions Anonymous, we have a saying.

Don't give up before the miracle happens.

What just reminds me of what? Oh, crap, you're tasty.

Nice chips, thank you. God, do you have any tonic? Oh, where's Jerry? Can't you

find him? I'm not the fucking FBI, darling. I've paged Jerry's number or

something very close to it. Well, what am I going to do without my labor coat?

We're having natural childbirth.

There's nothing natural about it, darling. That foreign creature.

growing inside you, feeding on you, sucking your lifeblood, getting bigger

bigger until finally it bursts out of your body like that hideous monster in

Alien.

And then you get ice cream.

That's when you get your tonsils out.

Tonsils, babies, both things you don't need.

My point is, darling, you do not want to do this without drugs.

Even with drugs you don't want to do it.

Oh, honey, are you okay? No, darling, Charlie's killing me.

Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God.

I'm so sorry. I guess I got stuck in traffic.

Who's he?

Ah, where are my manners?

This is Jesus, my bueno amigo.

Jesus, this is my husband, Jerry.

Yellow is a color that suits you well. Thank you, Jesus.

I like your bloody bandage.

Smile, everyone.

You were supposed to bring my pills half an hour ago.

Oh, I am so sorry, Pookie.

Here they are.

Birth of a baby. And breathe. Good.

Visualize the baby coming.

Honey, you want a massage, you?

Just how bueno and amigo is he?

Darling, be calm. Mind, even if the baby is a trifle dark, love it and raise it

as your own. Good, okay, and breathe.

Good, and breathe. Okay, thank you, Jesus. I think I can take it from here.

You're not taking her anywhere.

Ow, I got a leg cramp. I'm on top of it. And I'm also on top of it, honey.

Get your hands off my wife.

Get your hands off my woman.

Oh, guys, I'm not a wishbone.

Oh, this is fabulous. The eternal love triangle played out against the struggle

of birth.

Look over, I'll kill you. And perhaps death.

There is a coma, as I've got to say.

I feel real rested.

A nap would do that for you, too, and then nobody would have to find you

out in your own way.

I mean, unless you're really old.

Which I'll never be.

Christ, Jackie, how can you say that?

Come on, I don't have to pretend with you.

Yes, you do!

Is there anything about me that suggests that I'm any more stable than you?

Yeah, how about the fact that you're the visitor and I'm the one in the hospital

bed? Well, scoot over, then.

Have you been drinking?

No. Why?

Because you smell like a bar rag.

Oh. Dave and I just got in this harmless bar fight.

What were you doing in a bar?

Fighting. I just said that.

What, a person can't walk around reeking of vodka without a junkie pointing

fingers? Oh, well, who's pointing? I'm smelling.

Okay, look, I went to the bar. I wanted to have a drink, but only because I was

worried about you, okay?

Oh, yeah, I was worried about you, too. That's why I shot up.

Jackie, why'd you do it?

Because I wanted to.

And you know what? I want to right now, and I always will. No, you won't.

Hey.

Okay, maybe you will.

But maybe something will stop you. I mean, maybe you'll get hit by a bus.

I can't count on that. Have you tried to catch a bus in L .A.? Okay, a car,

then. I don't know.

But, I mean, you could get hit by something.

In fact, I'll run you over if that's what it takes. Because, you know what?

That's the kind of friend I am.

And driver.

What are you talking about? I don't know.

Look, I mean, who am I to give advice, right?

I almost drank. Twice. You've been in the program for ten years.

I mean, you were the very first person I met at my first meeting. I look up to

you, Jackie.

I mean, and that's not easy to do when you're laying down in a hospital bed.

Ten years and still using. You know, you should find another role model because

I quit.

Oh, you can't quit.

Listen to me. You can't quit. You have to remember what the program says. They

say, keep coming back. It works if you... Oh, it works if you... Work it.

it. That's right. It works if you work it.

Come on, I only forget that because every time I hear the word work, my mind

drips, you know? I think we need a new slogan, one that appeals to the lazy

Okay, how about, give up, it's too hard.

Hey, Jack.

Aw, how sweet.

Those are from Dave and me.

You know, Jack, even though your mom left, you're still with family, right?

I want you to think of me as your brother. I want you to think of her as

older sister.

Older? Yeah, work with me. It's hypothetical.

Yeah, well, even so.

Fine. Think of her as your bratty little sister.

That's better.

Yeah. I want you to know that we're here for you. We're right here.

If you're not right here for me, Dave, I'd be not painful.

Sorry. Sorry.

Oh, Billy.

I've found you. I've been in nine coma rooms already.

Is this a hospital or a vegetable patch?

Oh, that coming from a fruitcake, huh?

You've got someone in a coma you're awfully perky.

Hello. Hello.

And you're here because?

This is an emergency.

The baby is coming.

Oh, my God. Is she all right? Is everything okay? No, your brother is

-slapping a wounded family.

Mi amor, I'll come back for you.

Adios, Jesus.

Good luck on your concussion.

Stop leading him on.

Jerry, my son, you have finally won a fight. Ow.

I was so proud of you when you screamed immigration and kicked him in the balls.

Thanks, Dad.

I believe it was Muhammad Ali who said, float like a butterfly, kick like a Jew.

Did this fight over?

What happened? Well, you're looking at the chubby -weight champion of the

maternity ward. Oh, shit.

Ow!

Okay, well...

Then I'm out of here.

Honey, wait a minute.

Don't you want to wait and see the baby being born?

See, Dad, I'd love to, but there's an autopsy down the hall that I don't want

miss. My favorite part is when they weigh the brain.

Billy. Oh, you're terrible.

I think it's that tooth I swallowed.

It's a nine -pound tooth that kicks. I don't have a lot of sympathy for you.

Yeah, for the pain, darling.

What is it, aspirin? Uh -uh.

Aspirin. Family, darling. Third cousin, I believe.

Oh, thanks, Mom.

Ah!

Where are my manners? Valium.

Valium? You said it was aspirin. Might be a quaalude if the bottle isn't

Mom! Grandma,

you just drugged my labor coach.

It's not like he has to operate heavy machinery, darling.

But, Billy, don't you want to see the baby take its first breath? I'd rather

him when he's cleaned up and has his own apartment.

Look at our family. He may never get cleaned up. Billy, I want you to go in

there and be supportive. Come on.

Hey.

Look, I just want to say, keep your chin up and your legs up and everything's

going to be great.

Or not.

Oh, say, there's my ride, but I'm leaving you in good hands.

Okay.

I can't feel my face.

That's because it's mine, darling.

See? Okie dokie, then.

Wow,

for a first -time father, he's really relaxed.

Jerry, wake up!

That must have hurt. Thank God I gave him the painkillers, darling.

Oh, this is great action.

I need a labor coach.

Don't look at me, darling. I always go first class, never coach.

Hey, hey, I'm the director.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You don't want me. I'm not a labor -type person. I'm

more management material.

And I faint at the sight of placenta. And on top of that, I don't know nothing

about birth and no babies.

God, it feels so good to get that needle out.

I never thought I'd say that.

Perhaps it would have been better to wait for the doctor.

Well, I am a nurse.

Okay, I'm licensed, but what am I going to do, sue myself?

Let's grab a pizza and head home.

Um, you know, you just came out of a coma. I think you should be resting.

What do you think you do when you're in a coma?

Tybo? Well, I don't think you should be coming home right now. Okay. Well, let's

go to Paris. You fire up the jet and I'll go to the mansion and pick up the

poodles.

Honey, the poodles are going back in the kennel because you have to go back to

rehab. Oh, no.

No way.

You need help, Jackie.

Okay. I'll come home and take a rehab correspondence course.

I can't let you back in the apartment.

Why not? It's my apartment, too. I pay half the rent.

No, you haven't paid half the rent in about three months because apparently

spent all your money on heroin. Oh, not all of it. I also bought some coke.

I'm on date.

Let me come home. I promise I'll go to five meetings a day. You believe that? I

don't believe that. You've been using the whole time. I didn't even know.

I mean, you've probably been going to meetings stoned, haven't you? I thought

you were falling asleep because the speakers were boring. It's going to be

No, it's not going to be okay, because I cannot stand to walk in again and see

you lying on the floor with a needle in your arm. Oh, if I had a nickel for

every time I've heard that, I'd have my own apartment.

Jackie.

Dave.

Look, if anyone can bounce back, it's me. You know, I'm like the Energizer

junkie, man. Yeah, right. You keep ODing and ODing and ODing. What's the big

deal? It's a big deal if you live or die to me.

Until it's a big deal to you, you cannot come home.

Hey! Whatever.

Oh,

that is just great.

Now, let us hear it from the happy grandma -to -be.

Help! Help me!

Help! Hey, look at you.

You're glowing. Yeah. I mean, I love the way that the sweat catches the light,

and your hair has got that very sexy, matted look.

What are you talking about?

Well, isn't it my job to make you feel better? I mean, compliments always make

me feel good. Like yesterday, I was at the grocery store and I was really

out because they wouldn't take my check. And then this guy behind me said I had

a really nice ass. So even though I couldn't buy the food, I walked out of

having a lot of confidence in my butt.

Do you get what I'm saying? No.

And you're supposed to be coaching me.

Oh, oh, okay. I can do that. Yeah, I've had acting coaches.

Okay, okay. Well, now, you know, that was good, but, you know, it's not going

win you an Oscar.

Fuck the Oscars. Oh, let's see. I need to see what's behind the screen. What is

the motivation?

What? What do you want out of this moment, Tish?

Okay,

but, you know, that's more general.

Okay, now, that was way too big. Really, that's just like theater acting, and

we're trying to do a film here, okay?

Billy, that is not the way you coach.

Look, if you worry about the camera, I'll handle the talent.

Pookie, would you take over for me, please? Oh, don't worry, darling. I'll

it all.

Hello, baby.

I think you're saying to yourself, who is that attractive blonde on the floor

and how can I get to know her?

That's not how you coach. This is how you coach.

We can do this.

Are we in the game?

Are we winners or are we losers?

Winners. I can't hear you.

Winners. Right.

I want to see some time breathing, and I want to see it now.

Good.

Good.

Push it out. Push it out. Way out.

Push it out. Push it out. Way out.

Push it out. Are we getting this on tape?

Yes, darling.

When I was 13, I lost my virginity to a stable boy. All right.

A slightly unstable boy.

Actually, it was a pretty old crazy man who hid in the stalls and hung out with

the horses. He was hung like a horse.

I think his name was Horse, but what I'm trying to say is never take up riding.

Now, you see... Time out, time out.

Hooky, you have the camera pointed in the wrong direction. No, it's pointed at

me, darling.

Don't, don't!

Did you see what your father just did to me?

I remember my first value.

No, I don't.

Hello,

Tish. Oh, doctor.

What a turnout.

Did you sell tickets?

Let's see how you're doing.

The least you could do is buy her dinner.

Is everything okay down there, doctor?

You're in ten centimeters. We're good to go.

Doctor, doctor, doctor.

I changed my mind. I can't do this without drugs. Oh, no, yes, you can.

Yes, you can. We'll do the breathing, okay?

You're a big -time Christian. Let's pray. Why don't you pray?

you. Depends on your point of view. You say tomato. I say distracting.

I say fuck you. I say fuck you too because we're all in this together.

Let us witness the agony of birth.

You're doing great.

Thanks. And then her.

Okay, this is it.

I'm waxing.

That's not pubic hair. That's a pubic skirt.

Oh, I can see the hair.

Beautiful, just like when you were born. Don't you think so, honey? Who knows,

darling? I had them put me under in the fourth month.

Oh, my God.

Hello, baby.

I love you.

Thank you.

Do you want to hold him?

No, no. Come on.

Just make sure you support its head.

Oh, now would they matter.

Oh, my God.

Well done, darling.

How do you feel?

Glad it's over.

Well, actually, it's not. First time you pee, it burns like Hitler in hell.

I just want you to know I'll always be here for you.

If you ever need someone to help you off the bottle, you know who to call.

Except not too early, because I like to sleep in.

I brought you a make -up pizza.

I wish I had some I -forgive -you -Dave Twisty bread. You forgive me?

Honey, I'm not the one acting like an asshole.

I gotta tell you that your visiting etiquette sucks. I mean, first you out

while I'm in a coma, then you kick me out of the house, and then you call me

asshole. I'm sick, for Christ's sake. I know that. That's what I keep saying.

That's why you gotta go to rehab.

Yelling, yelling. Please refer to your visitor handbook.

Jackie, the most amazing thing just happened. Look, I helped her deliver

baby. How short -staffed is the hospital?

I think I wanted you to see him because you two have something in common.

Is it a crack baby?

No. He was delivered without any drugs at all.

Today's his birthday. And if you stay sober from this day on, then it will

of be your birthday, too.

Luke, that's a really big if.

He agrees with me. Come on, you're not helping me out.

Whoa, but you are peeing.

So now you're going.

Oh, bye -bye. Bye -bye. Bye.

Winnebago, in front of the emergency entrance, everybody gets bent out of

Hey, Crystal.

Mom. Hey. I thought you were going to Fresno. I was, but then I got to

you know, ever since I threw Macrame Doug out of the Winnebago, it seems kind

empty.

So, what do you say, Angel?

Why don't we hit the open road together?

Oh, that's a really great offer, Mom.

It's nice to know I can always come home.

But, you know, I've decided to go to rehab.

You have?

Get out of here.

Oh, my God, Jackie. Well, now you've changed your mind.

Well, apparently you guys have a lot more faith in me than I do and a lot

faith in rehab. I've been there four times already.

You know what they say.

Five times a job.

Who says that?

People that have done things four times unsuccessfully.

Anna.

Hi.

You know, things have come to a pretty pass when you can't even smoke in a

hospital. Tell me about it.

Oh, thanks.

Good shit.

What are you in for?

My daughter was in a coma.

Oh, lucky you. I just became a grandmother.

Give me a trip.

The whole thing is fucked.

By any chance, do you love the dead?

In a pinch, I suppose.

But not so long as anyone alive is interested.

No, I mean the Grateful Dead, the band.

Oh, yes, sex, drugs and rock and roll. Sex, drugs and polka music would be just

fine. Well, then, I'm headed out to Fresno to see the remains of the dead.

are welcome to come along.

Well, thank you, but I don't know you.

And I've got an enormous responsibility here.

I've got some bladder acid in the Winnebago.

Let's roll.