Original subtitles

It was a rude awakening to start up the longest day.

It was a rude awakening and now I've got to pay.

No matter where I go, somebody's got to see. I've got to see the basics, I don't

know any way.

Where will I find someone to understand?

And from where will this ride ever let me land?

starving. Get your own.

Those are my own.

See, I don't know if you've noticed, but this is Dave's apartment.

That was Dave's food all over Dave's furniture.

I get your point.

Could you pass me Dave's soda?

Hey, are you guys ready?

Yeah.

This is my going to prison outfit for Saturday.

Picture, if you will, me going through security, being patted down.

Watch her hands.

So, what do you guys think?

I think that outfit walks the fine line between... and a prison riot.

You know, maybe I should change into something sexier. That way I could cause

riot and maybe Sue could escape.

That's a lot to demand from a polyester blend.

Well, that's a good idea.

Hey, got any more of those waffles?

I think you gotta ease up on the eating just a little bit. Well, why? Are you

running out of food?

Sadly, yes.

Look, Billy, sometimes when you quit one addiction, you substitute it with

another. See?

And you would know all about that, Mr. Six -Fucking -Meetings, a day.

True. But I still have my figure.

And I still have my finger.

Actually, both of them.

Remember that place you used to go?

Called your apartment.

Don't you miss it? Wasn't it great? Not really.

As much fun as it is having you here, and it is, your ass is wearing a groove

Dave's couch.

My ass likes Dave's couch.

Besides, I can't be alone. I hate myself.

I mean, on the outside, people may think I'm beautiful, but on the inside, I'm a

mess.

Newsflash. Not just from the inside.

I don't know what is happening to me. I keep hearing this voice in my head

saying, you're a failure, you're a loser, you're... Okay, repetitive.

See, you've just tuned in to K -Fuck.

Every alcoholic's favorite radio station, where you fuck you.

Well, how do I turn it off?

You work the program.

You gotta get a sponsor.

Do I have to?

Wouldn't it be nice to whine to somebody else, you know?

See, I'm in over my head with you. I am. As much as I love you, it's like... I

mean, this is me drowning in you.

Tell me if this doesn't scream, Attica!

Attica!

Please, I'm wearing navy.

Oh, okay, darling.

It was so much fun spending the day with you. Oh, darling, it was thrilling.

But did you have to come into the dressing room with me?

I was lonely.

Darling, in order to have separation anxiety, first you have to have

Anyway, I love everything I bought. I mean, I feel so much better than I did

last night after Jackie and Dave kicked me out. I can't imagine why they'd do

that. Did I buy this?

Well, the alarm didn't go off when we left the store, so I guess you did.

Congratulations, darling. At least you're not a thief.

You know, spending my rent money on clothes, it was exciting.

Well, if you want a really big thrill, why don't you stop your car payments and

buy the matching shoes?

I mean, it was a rush. It was intoxicating and dangerous and... Oh,

Oh, darling.

So what are we going to do next, Mom?

Well, your father and I are going to have dinner with the Goldbergs at the

Oh, great!

Great, let's see.

I could wear this.

It's not that your father and I wouldn't love you to join us, darling, but you

know the Goldbergs never really liked you.

Well, none of your friends really like me.

That's not true, darling. Some of them never met you.

You're not exactly tearing me up.

I am not Coco the Clown, darling.

I'm sure you can find something or someone to do.

No, I can't, okay? That's the problem. Without alcohol, I don't have a life.

Yeah, I mean, I used to go to the bar, stay there till I got kicked out, and

wake up with whomever, and a hangover, and feel like shit, and recuperate, and

then go right back to the bar again.

A full life, by anyone's standards.

Now all I do is go to these stupid meetings where I listen to a bunch of

complain about their hideous lives, and the worst part about it is it only takes

an hour.

I do see the problem, darling.

I must.

Dash or the girl bugs won't like me either.

Antonia!

Why

did

I buy these?

You go -go booth. I'm not go -going anywhere.

No, I was feeling anxious, so I started shopping, which made me feel better. But

now I feel anxious because I don't have any money.

What are you, Helen Keller?

You're actually scaring the customers away from Dave's coffee shop, okay? No,

this is where Dave makes his money to buy Dave's food, which you then eat.

I'm getting very concerned about you. When are you going to get a sponsor?

When are you going to kiss my ass?

Well, I have a number of openings. I could even move something. Why do I need

sponsor? Someone who barely knows me, who pretends to care about my life?

I have my mother for that.

Please.

Okay, I will get somebody.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Billy.

I'm Elise.

I'm not gay.

Good. Well, I mean, I'm only saying that because, you know, here I am walking up

to you asking you if you want to have this intense personal relationship with

me, and it really feels like I'm asking you out on a date. Yeah, it does.

Are you sure you're not gay? No, no, no, no. I just want to know if you want to

be my sponsor.

Oh. Okay.

Great. Okay. Okay.

So let me ask you a question. Okay.

Um, I wake up in the middle of the night, and I want a drink. What should I

Have one.

Have a drink?

I mean, aren't I supposed to totally quit?

Well, that seems a little extreme to me.

Yeah, to me, too.

I mean, I suppose if you're concerned about your health, you might just want

stick to beer and wine. Yeah.

Dave, Dave, come here.

What? I found a sponsor, a really good sponsor. Oh, good for you. Elise.

Hey, hi.

You know, you actually have to get a sponsor that's an alcoholic.

Elise, compulsive gambler.

Ten bucks says she's drunk by sunset.

You're on.

How's the sweater going for soup?

It's not a sweater.

It's a dildo, Cozy.

And I'm afraid I won't be able to finish it by the time we go to the prison.

Well, how big is the dildo?

Not as big as my thigh, which seems to be expanding as we speak. Can you see

this? Yes.

That is why you need a sponsor.

Why can't you be my sponsor?

I have a penis.

Yeah, yeah, we keep hearing about it, but we never see it. I'm beginning to

doubt it.

It exists, all right, baby, and it is scheduled to make an appearance in your

life in the very near future.

You make it sound like it's opening for Lou Rawls.

A straight guy can't sponsor a straight woman, okay? Those are the rules.

Well, I am sick of your rules and your imaginary penis.

Okay, okay, we'll look for a sponsor.

You know, this is so high school.

Remember when you'd sit in the school cafeteria scoping out guys?

Not really.

But what about Danielle?

She's sponsoring a bunch of people. They're all doing great.

But how many people? I mean, I don't want to sponsor slut.

Well, what about Harriet?

She's not sponsoring anybody.

Well, no wonder. Look at her.

Sorry, but a woman who doesn't understand the cosmic importance of a

haircut and a tweezer is definitely not on my spiritual wavelength.

Okay, well, what about Ricky? Because she's shallow, too.

No, too pretty.

What do you mean, shallow, too?

What about a gay guy?

Aye, that's allowed. Okay, Ted's been sober for years. He's a great sponsor.

Oh, great. Just what I need. Another gorgeous guy who won't fuck me.

Oh, and he's a hugger, too.

Cocktail hour.

Just kidding. Meeting time.

Hi. Hi.

Hope nobody's hi.

Wish I was.

You're making this impossible, you know that? I mean, you want someone who's

your own age, looks like you, same outlook on life as you. You're basically

looking for you.

Basically. Yeah, because you've been so good for you.

Hi, I'm Tracy, and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi. Hi, Tracy.

And welcome to the Tuesday afternoon sharing and caring meeting.

I love sharing and caring.

I'm an actress.

And when I was drinking, my friends would go, Tracy, you've got to stop.

bad for your brain or your liver or whatever.

But here's what they don't tell you.

It's bad for your complexion.

Finally, someone with some priorities.

Maybe she could be my sponsor.

Some of you.

might recognize me from my show that tragically canceled, Emerald Bluff.

That was your show.

I played Diana Gateway.

I was Diana Gateway.

I didn't recognize you.

I was the second Diana Gateway.

No, that is impossible.

I was killed in a windsurfing accident.

No, you were lost at sea.

You washed up on the shore of a tropical island where you were saved by a

handsome plastic surgeon who fixed your face and brought you home looking much

more beautiful.

And oddly taller.

I can't believe it. It's true. I'm 5 '10". Well, I didn't watch the show

they fired me. You should have. It got a lot better.

Oh, so good it got canceled?

I can't believe I was going to ask you to be my sponsor.

Who wants to sponsor a has -been? Oh, well, at least I am the original has

-been. I mean, you're like the second Darren or the third Lassie.

Speaking of bitches.

Okay, okay, we're sharing, but we're not caring.

Shut up! Listen,

bitch. I was a better Diana Gateway and a way better drunk, and I could drink

you under the table any day.

I wouldn't be surprised with your body weight.

Oh, nice.

That's nice. You think you can hurt me? Well, you can't. You know why?

Because I couldn't feel any worse.

I am a big piece of poop.

And you know what? If you step in poop, the poop doesn't get hurt. The poop is

fine, baby. The poop lives on.

But you smell like shit. And this is poop touching you.

And you, because you never say hello to me.

And your coffee sucks.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I just wanted to say that I love your honesty and your nail polish.

Look, if you try to hug me, I'll slap you.

Promises, promises.

Look, honey, I felt the same thing that you have felt. And if you need a

sponsor, which you obviously do, I would be honored.

You want to sponsor a big piece of poop?

Well, I'd rather sponsor Christian Slater, and yet here you are.

Call me.

I can't wait to see Sue.

Oh, God.

What if she's not there?

What if she's serving a life sentence?

Where else would she be?

Oh, yeah, you're right.

Come on. I don't want to be late.

I have to allow time for the strip service. My favorite part.

Don't worry. Sue is going to be thrilled to see you.

Much as I'm certain the other ladies are going to be too.

See me?

Oh, God.

I need a man.

I mean, it's been 12 years.

I need a man.

Look.

There's one.

And not just any man, the most handsome man in the whole world.

Hi, ladies.

I'm Dave.

Got here as soon as I could.

He's mine.

No, no, no, partner.

He is mine.

Oh, no, no, no, no. He's mine.

Don't worry, ladies.

There's enough of me for both of you.

And all your friends.

Well, okay. As long as I get the top and I'm not talking bunk.

That's fine.

I'll get his bottom. Oh, God.

Thank God for Dave. Three cheers for Dave. Oh, David.

Oh, Dave. I'm coming.

I'm coming.

Dave.

Dave. Are you coming?

Not yet.

Right behind you.

Hey, Tab.

Ready to be fixed right now.

Want some ladyfingers?

Oh, you sure you can spare one? Oh, actually, no.

These are so good.

You know, if you gain too much weight, I won't be able to be your sponsor. Just

kidding. Kind of.

Same here. I mean, if you gain too much weight or even wear clogs, I'd dump you.

Well, of course.

On a serious note, though, I have to point out that this typical newcomer

behavior, you're filling the wrong hole.

I wish.

Look, really, there's no hole filling going on unless I shove this ladyfinger

my crotch.

Well, as attractive as that sounds, may I suggest an alternative?

Menfinger? I love it, but it's too fat.

You're so funny.

I'm talking about the hole in your soul.

How do I fill that?

By praying.

You mean, like, on my knees?

Well, you could stand on your hands, but then how would you put the food in?

Yes, on your knees.

I'm a Jew, okay? We don't kneel, we don't hunt, we don't give head unless we

jewelry. Besides, I don't believe in God. I mean, would you after spending an

entire night making out with Patsy?

I see your point.

Did you have any religious training as a child?

I went to temple once.

And I hate Germans.

Okay. Forget God.

You just need to find a higher power. It could be anything.

I have this sponsee who prays to this fabulous jacket. Of course, he always

nervous when the jacket goes to the cleaners. So I could pray to this

ladyfinger. Well, yes, but I don't think it's going to be around that long.

Look, Billy, you just need to find and focus on a higher power that will fill

the emptiness inside you.

If I'm so empty inside, you'd think I'd weigh less.

I'm so excited.

I got a sponsor in Addictions Anonymous.

Oh, what the hell is that?

Oh, yes, your little cult. Who used to be in that?

Yes, Mother.

And my sponsor is this really nice gay guy named Ted.

Oh, dear. A gay guy and you're putting on weight. I see fag -hag in your

darling. As your mother, I must insist that you start smoking again.

Thanks.

God, these are good.

Although, Ted would say I'm just filling the wrong hole again.

Darling, firstly, that's not something any gay man should go around saying.

Secondly, it's a disgusting image. And thirdly, I can't imagine any opening of

yours that hasn't been thoroughly attended to.

He's talking about my soul.

Soul dot what? This, shoes, darling, what? Give me a clue.

Soul, as in spirituality, religious...

of which we have none.

Darling, don't you remember all the lovely Jewish heritage I gave you as a

child?

I remember a really big Easter egg hunt.

Oh, yes, yes, that's right. That was the year that your father and I were trying

to get into that country club.

But I always gave a lovely Seder.

Okay,

enough prayers.

What happened to Elijah's wine?

Maybe he came, darling.

Finally.

I don't care what you said, darling. That was a fucking great save.

The neighbors had to send for the police.

Well, bye, darling.

Oh, my God.

Hey! Hey!

Repo! Don't take my car! I sent the check, damn it!

It bounced.

Well, will you give me another week if I flash you?

Okay.

Well, let's say 48 hours.

Oh, and you're such an exquisite specimen yourself.

So, this is how you act when you're sober?

Pretty much.

I really fail to see how a nice Dubonnet with a twist could make this much more

sense.

Dave, you think you're gonna be okay while I'm talking to Sue? What, you

me? I'm gonna be like a kid in a candy shop.

Sue!

Oh, and Jackie.

You're early.

Hi.

Oh.

Hey, what'd you bring Dave for?

Go sit down over there, you pussy.

God, I've missed you.

Yeah. Did you miss me?

Oh, yeah, I mean, you're all I've been thinking about.

I made you a crumb cake, but the guards had to check it for drugs and weapons,

and well, now it's just crumbs.

Oh, well, that's okay, Jackie.

I'm kind of watching my figure anyway.

In prison?

Why, you would think a girl could relax from that kind of stuff.

Yeah, you'd think.

So, look, look.

I made it myself.

Oh, yeah, that's a nice one.

Billy, did you ever think that maybe God tried to take your car to help you hit

bottom? Why do I have to hit bottom? Why can't I just stop? Honey, with your

bottom, you would.

I told you, I don't believe in God. I only prayed to him once when I didn't

my period.

Did it work?

Oh, yeah. He showed me the way.

To Planned Parenthood.

Do you have any other prisoners here? You know, like the kind that you see in

the movies?

Hey. Hey.

It's a man.

Want a piece of this, huh?

No, thanks. I'm full.

Not that I wouldn't like to get to know you. Hell, I didn't bite you out, but I

couldn't go. Sadly, you're locked up. I mean, that's too bad for me.

Hi. Hi.

And we've gone to prison. But we'll be back sometime tomorrow afternoon.

That is, unless we're having a really good time. Oh, yeah.

I hope you get gang raped.

Hi, this is Ted, and I'm praying that you're having a really good day.

I'm always here for you. Well, not now, obviously, but...

Hell, it's only an expression.

So is fuck off.

Oh, my God.

Oh,

cigarettes. Shit.

Come on, baby, you can do it. Do it for Mama.

No, I am not going to do it, okay? You are not going to make me talk to you.

So is this your big plan for me?

First you kill me in a windsurfing accident, and then I vomit on Ricardo

Montalban, and the next thing I know I'm blowing posse.

I mean, I may be pathetic, but how pathetic are you that you get a kick out

seeing me like this?

I mean, if you have so much free time, why don't you cure cancer or something?

You suck!

I bet you think you did that.

Well, you didn't. I did it.

Well, me and the couch. But of course, you made the couch, and you made the

lamps, and you made the...

Great roaches.

That's not funny.

All right, now.

Try that.

Can I get you anything else?

Yeah, can you get me an ice pack?

Yes. Oh, and a heating pad.

Heating pad.

Could you close this blind?

All right.

Oh, but first... Can you give me some Vaseline for my lip?

You know, I thought you were needy in my place. In your place, you're just a

pain in the ass.

A very cute ass.

Good morning, sunshine.

Go away. Oh, sorry I missed your 14 calls last night.

Thank you for your lovely messages.

Yeah, which fuck you was your favorite?

I have to say it was a tie between three and nine.

But I love you anyway, so I brought you a little care package. Cigarette?

Oh, God, my throat hurts.

Okay, cupcake?

I couldn't eat a thing.

Really? Well, I brought you the new Vogue, some orange juice, a butt plug.

Sorry,

this is for me.

Talk about filling the wrong hole.

You're going to need this more than she is.

Thanks. I don't even want to go there.

Bye. Hope you feel better.

You still like me?

More than ever.

Aw.

Goodbye. Bye.

Well, guess what?

Last night I finally hit bottom and actually prayed, and now I'm sick.

Coincidence? I think not. Let me tell you, it will be a cold day in hell

I pray to him again. I mean, hasn't he tortured me enough? What's next?

Hopefully laryngitis. Billy, think about it. You're not eating, you're not

smoking, you're not drinking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

I know.

And I have to believe that God helped you do that.

Yes, but you also have a butt plug, so should I listen to you?

Look, I mean, the problem is all this God crap.

Even if I do believe in him, I don't think I like him, and I'm pretty fucking

sure he doesn't like me.

I mean, look at this hair.

Is this the hair of a woman that is liked by God?

Honestly, no.

See, this is my problem.

I mean, why do we have to start with God?

Even the most normal, healthy people, neither of which I am, have a problem

God. Well, why don't you work your way up?

What about angels? No one has a problem with angels.

Oh, yeah? How about the angel of death? I mean, a guy comes to your door with a

slice. Won't you bring a six -pack?

There are nice angels, like Michael Landon. God, was he cute with all that

Yeah, I did a highway to heaven.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I played a mute.

Oh. Yeah, he gave me my voice back, made my part much better.

Well, see?

And if you're a nice girl, you can work your way up to Delaree.

But how about Nicholas Cage, because he's an angel who fucks people up? Oh,

fabulous! No, wait a minute.

Meg Ryan dies in the end.

Oh, hit by a truck.

She was bringing home pears.

Well, how about John Travolta?

Yeah, oh, he's a great angel. He's smoky, fuck, he smells like cookies. Oh,

that's it. I'm praying to John Travolta. Oh, honey, there's a lot of things I'd

like to do with John Travolta.

Yeah, and I'm sure some of them involve that butt plug.

Yeah.

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