Original subtitles

- Are you working here? - Yes.

I work for a U.S. advertising firm,

and I'm opening a London office.

This is Fran. She's an old pal.

Great to meet you, Rob.

My guru Allan,

he cured himself of prostate cancer

last year with walnuts.

What did he do, jam them up his asshole?

- I think you should leave! - I have cancer.

Hey.

Hey, you awake?

Uh-uh.

Can I talk to you?

Okay.

Can you open your eyes?

Listen, I know it's hard when you can't sleep,

but I was asleep, and don't you think it's good if one of us sleeps?

No. I think it's good if you make me feel better

and then both of us sleep.

I don't agree, but okay.

I keep getting very horny and very depressed

at the exact same moment. It's awful.

That sounds like hormones.

What if something happens to the baby?

Nothing's going to happen to the baby.

What if he has a weird-shaped head?

What if he needs to wear one of those special helmets?

You should be thankful they even do helmets now.

In the old days, if your baby had a weird-shaped head,

he just grew into a man with a weird-shaped head.

What if you die?

I had a full checkup right before I came over here.

Do you have life insurance?

No, but I'll get some.

We'll get you life insurance, too.

Okay.

Not too big a policy for me, though.

I don't want you to murder me to get the money.

I'm not going to murder you.

And when women get murdered,

it's 85% of the time their husband that did it.

They'd totally know it was me.

Even if I wanted to kill you, I wouldn't kill you

or have you killed.

I won't kill you, either.

Thanks, honey.

I keep getting this recurring vision

that I'm in a restaurant and I have to go to the loo

but I take the wrong turn and I walk into the kitchen

where an Italian chef is talking and gesticulating

and the knife he's holding stops me and the baby...

you know, because Italian people talk with their hands.

Anything else?

Yes.

The world is a toilet.

You know, we might not kill each other.

but that doesn't mean terrorists won't

or that your government won't start another war tomorrow

just fucking because.

Well, you can't worry about everything.

I mean, there's just too much.

You know, there's Ebola and global warming--

Well, I'm worrying about all that, too.

Well, we'll be fine,

but you know who global warming will kill

in our lifetime?

Bangladeshis.

Just millions of Bangladeshis.

And who gives a shit about them?

I mean, why can't there be, like,

an airborne gout that just kills rich people?

I'd like to wake up to news

that Monaco had been wiped out

by an avalanche of poorly built palaces.

I think we're getting a little bit off--

And do you know what percentage

of greenhouse gases Bangladesh produces?

- No. - Roughly zero, okay?

But Bangladesh is being eaten by the ocean

while we drive Range Rovers to the mall

to buy underpants that were stitched

by a 7-year-old who literally in 2015

is an indentured servant.

Let's just say slave, okay?

Because their life is shit in a ditch.

It's not even shit in a toilet.

Yeah, well, it won't get fixed

by some whining idiot lying in bed

lecturing a pregnant woman, will it?

Night-night.

Yeah, sleep tight, asshole.

Hello. This Rob?

Hey, Tony. How you doing?

Okay. So how's things in London town?

Really great. Really working out.

Are Greg and Mark joining us?

Yeah, I'm here.

I had to sneak off for a call with the Crocs guys.

Sounds to me like they're having trouble maintaining Europe,

and I'm like, "Baby, that's because

"European people aren't exclusively fat idiots

who wear Day-Glo rubber clogs," you know?

They have fat idiots here.

Less, though, right?

Yeah, in general. Yeah, Rob,

got a bit of an echo there.

Could you move closer to the speaker phone?

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Is Greg going to join us?

Uh, no, he isn't.

Listen, Rob, you sitting down?

Yes.

Greg had a stroke Friday night,

a pretty bad one, man.

- He's in a coma. - Oh, my God.

Is Ellen okay?

Not really.

It's pretty fucked up.

Christ.

Just so awful.

Listen, I hate to shift gears so abruptly,

but can we get an update

on what's shaking out over there?

It would be great to get a clearer idea

of what you've been doing.

You're making inroads.

Oh, yeah, inroads, a lot.

I mean, there's Jeff's Cola,

which it looks like the supermarket chain Lidl

are very keen to get behind.

So that's Jeff's.

Uh, I'm just opening a spreadsheet.

Last week I met with, um...

uh, Hanley's.

They- They make pants for

women who cook a lot.

Chef women.

They make women's chef's pants.

Oh. So what kind of budget they got?

It's such a great product

that, really, the sky's the limit.

Man, Greg.

Yeah. Just awful.

Let's circle back next week.

I know Greg hated conference calls.

Just want to make sure that you don't forget about us

and become a beef sweeper.

Do you mean a Beefeater?

Yeah. Take it easy, buddy.

Okay. Thanks. Bye.

Yeah. Bye.

How was your conference call?

It was tough. One of the partners had a stroke.

They still made him do the call?

Good one. Good stroke joke.

Well, I still have a job, which is a minor miracle.

They sort of implied I need to up my game

if I want them to keep funding my London office, though.

Don't you own part of the company?

That's what you told me the first night you met me,

unless you were lying to get into my knickers.

I own 2 1/2% of it, so not lying.

And I seem to recall you saying you had a Ph.D.

Well, I-- I almost had half of one.

And that you're a published writer.

Anyway, up your game, like the guy said.

Smarten up your act. You know,

maybe buy a suit with normal-length arms.

You're in London now.

Do you think Clive Owen would wear that?

I don't know. Would Kate Winslet wear

a boy's yellow tweed fucking smoking jacket?

I mean, what is that?

That looks okay.

Do you see the one on the mannequin over there?

- Yes. - That little one like that?

- Yes. - It doesn't match

with that tie thing that's over there.

- Have you got any gray shirts? - No gray.

Why have you not got any gray? What is wrong?

Really, do you think so?

See, I think it's a neutral palette.

Whoa! I'm sorry.

Well, fuck me.

Hey, Chris.

Look, I'll step out, and--

Don't be daft. Fran's out there.

I know. That's why I ran in here.

You scared of my sweet little bride?

No. I-- I just--

Oh, there's no shame in it.

Well, for you.

So...

how are things treating you? You settling in okay?

Yeah. Work is tough.

I don't know anybody except for Sharon

and this one guy Dave.

We should go for a drink some time,

catch a movie.

I don't want you to be lonely.

Yeah. Okay. Sure.

Um, hey, what about Fran?

Would Fran be okay with that?

No, she can't stand you.

She hasn't been able to enjoy an episode of Mad Men

since that night because you remind her of Harry.

Harry? Are you sure she said Harry?

I mean, didn't she mean Don--

How are those trousers, love?

Yeah, they're a little bit short, sweetheart.

Would you mind just grabbing me one size up?

- Okay. - Thanks.

Call me.

- No word to the wives. - Oh, shit, no.

Take a left out of here, two rights.

Then you'll be in lingerie. You'll be safe there.

Go now. Go.

Get out of here.

You get out of here.

I don't believe it.

How are you?

I'm great, thanks. How are you?

Fine.

I mean, I'm in shock right now, but good.

Yeah.

What are you doing in my bookstore?

What, you bought Archie's?

No.

- It's just nuts. - Uh-huh.

What's new with you? Are you still doing your Ph.D.?

- No. - Oh.

Nothing's new with me.

What's new with you?

A lot. Yeah. I mean, four years.

A lot can--

Listen, I'm late to meet a person for lunch.

You're having lunch with a person?

Yeah. But would you let me

buy you a cup of coffee some time?

I don't drink coffee anymore.

Oh. Okay. Um, maybe we could get something to eat.

Do you eat food anymore?

All the time. Every meal.

Well, great. Then we can really catch up.

- Yeah. - I'll call you tomorrow.

- Okay. - Okay.

Great. Great.

- Oh. - Ha.

- Yeah. - Okay, then.

- Bye. - Bye.

Oh, shit.

Sharon!

Fran.

Hi. I-- I didn't--

- How are you? - Very well, thank you.

Oh, I haven't seen you since the--

Oh, well, you know, water under the bridge now.

- Is it? - It is.

Oh. Well, you look great with the--

I hope I do.

I just spent a minor fortune

on a three-week rejuvenation retreat in Turks and Caicos.

Really?

How are things with you?

Oh. Fine. You know, still riddled with pre-cancer,

but the doctor says I'm probably just going to blow it all out

during the trauma of childbirth, so that's--

that's a turn-up for the books.

Yeah.

Uh, how's old Jeffrey?

Jeffrey? Oh, Jeffrey's wonderful.

Aw.

He started in a new series for ITV1.

It's an adaptation of the Knights of Dorianbooks.

Oh, God.

Sorry?

Oh. Sorry. No, I'm-- That's great.

I just, uh, I hate those books.

They're so shit, aren't they?

No. No. I do not think they are shit.

Well, I'm not saying the series will-- will be shit.

I just-- just the books.

And Chris, how's he?

Chris is great.

I just bumped into Fran.

- Really? - Yeah.

You didn't see her?

No. Wow.

Did you get your new image?

I did. Did you get your book?

Yep. Shall we skedaddle?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Ugh.

Wizards of fucking yore.

- Hey. - Hi.

Hi.

Mm.

You okay?

Yeah. I just heard a lot of no thank yous today.

But they're so polite, you think you're hearing yeses

until you replay it in your mind.

And you know what? It's fucking rude to be that polite.

- Do you want a tea? - Yeah, sure.

How was school?

Kept getting that weird feeling

like I might cry or come.

I had to go to the bathroom and have a, you know,

have a wank by myself.

It was awful. I mean, it was horrible.

Do you want to talk about it?

I don't know. I can't work out

whether it's hormonal or-- or mental.

No, I mean,

do you want to tell me how you masturbated?

Like, did you use both hands?

Are you 14?

Hey. Do you still have that feeling?

Yeah, but, I mean, it's always there a bit.

Well, the good news is right before I came into the flat,

this woman was bending over to pick up her garbage cans,

and I saw both her complete full breasts,

so if you hadn't been home,

I was going to have to jerk off. But since you are--

You know what? It's passed.

Oh, it's Dave, that prick.

Oh.

I'm just going to--

Sure, Johnny One Mate.

Yeah, I don't envy you

having to build a book of business in a new country.

It's a nightmare.

Why don't you use this as an opportunity

to start over?

Fuck advertising. It's for ball bags.

What do you really want to do?

What's your passion?

I-- I don't know that I--

Come on. Dream job.

I love big animals.

Big animal lover. What does that pay?

No, no. I mean, I wanted to be a large animal vet

when I was younger. I started school to do that,

but then my cousin Brian started working for an ad company.

Pretty soon he had a Ferrari,

and he was dating a figure skater.

Listen, do it. Be a large animal vet.

- Go for it. - Yeah?

Absolutely. Seize the day.

Right. What are we seeing?

Oh, so I got us tickets for, uh,

The Emancipation of Flyburton Crisp.

What?

It's the new Wes Anderson.

No.

No?

Just no?

Just no. What else?

Well, we could see that Adam Sandler movie.

It starts at 8:10.

Let's go.

And a pack of Biros.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Yes?

Could you just

keep it down on-- on the keyboard?

Sorry?

It's just you're banging away there

like bash, bash, bash, bash,

like you're self-harming your fingers or something.

I can't hear myself think.

Jesus.

Hey. Can I ask you something?

Would it really matter

if I couldn't make the business work here?

- Yeah. - I mean, it's--

Well, hang on.

And instead I went back and finished my degree

and got into veterinary school

and then hopefully in a couple of years

got a junior position, you know, at a zoo?

- Yeah. - Yeah what?

Yeah, it would matter.

Well, I guess it's back to women chef's pants tomorrow.

Aw, poor you.

Are you realizing how shit it is

being an adult with responsibilities?

All your dreams just-- "Oh, no, my dreams!"

You know, you say a lot of shit to me,

and I let you because you're pregnant,

but just so you know, after you have that baby,

I'm going be a fucking asshole to you.

Thanks for the heads-up.

Dave wants to take me to the launch

of a new restaurant his friend's opening.

When?

Tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night? Sure.

Hey!

You look great.

So do you.

You haven't aged.

What, since Saturday?

Well, no, since we-- you know.

It's horrible. You look the same,

and now I'm just this middle-aged-looking person.

Uh, can I-- Is there-- Where's the loo?

Um, it's-- I think--

Fine. I'll--

If you'd told me I'd be sitting opposite you,

- having a friendly-- - I know.

It's good, though.

Yeah, I mean, when you dumped me, I was like, "Oh!"

Aw.

But then you realized your mistake and wanted to get back,

but I was already with--

Oh.

I think I was drunk.

Drunk for three months?

Ha.

But it's so great to see you.

What's going on?

Just all sorts.

You know, nothing.

It's complicated. You?

Well, I'm still with Gina.

Really?

Yeah. She's pregnant, actually.

Wow. I'm pregnant too.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Wow.

- You didn't say. - Well, I just-- I forgot.

Uh, I'm pregnant.

Four months, by my fiancé Rob.

He's a successful American. 6'4".

- You're still drinking? - It's fine.

The new thing is it's okay to drink.

A bit.

French women do it, and look at them.

Mm, Gina said that she read

that even a sip of alcohol could be potentially harmful.

Gina obviously doesn't know the pregnant wine score.

Mm.

I can't believe you're still with Gina Randolph.

I mean, no one thought that would last.

She was always just so much more--

just everything-- than you-- successful.

Just better.

Well, I'll take that as a compliment.

Are you sure you're still with her?

Yeah. We're solid.

She's due in February,

same month the new book's out.

Is it another of the...

- Knights of Dorian? - Yeah.

Oh, the ones for kids?

For young adults.

I still write.

Well, good.

You were always funny.

Argh!

I had a really good time tonight.

You don't say that to a man unless you want to kiss him.

Do you want to kiss me now?

No, I do not.

Great. I'm off.

Hey, man, can I ask you a question?

When Fran was pregnant, did she ever sort of rocket

between being really horny and really sad?

No, Fran would get horny and hungry at the same time.

One night she made me fuck her in her parents' kitchen,

and I'm not shitting you here,

she finished off a plate of stew while I was inside her.

Wow.

Game of squash next week?

Sure.

Wear those little shorts I like.

You have aged, badly.

Hey. You okay?

What's up?

What have I done with my life?

- What have I achieved? - You've achieved plenty.

Why am even I asking you? You barely know me.

- Well-- - I haven't achieved shit.

And now I'm going to be a mother,

it'll be even less than shit. It'll be minus shit.

My son will be embarrassed at me.

What's that?

It's just-- It's just writing.

I used to write.

I had a letter published in The Timesonce.

Then someone wrote a letter about my letter the next week.

It was that good.

That's great, honey.

May I take a look?

No.

- Come on. - No!

Get off! No, get off!

Just get--

You're really funny.

This is good.

Not as good as Gina "Elf Fucker" Randolph, though.

The Knights of Dorianlady?

Who gives a shit about her?

Just a few million zitty teenagers.

What about all the zitty teenagers who love you?

What about the letters on the fridge from your students?

They're insane about you.

I almost cried reading some of these.

When you go to work

and you prod some snot-faced little kid

into using his imagination

or show them he can use a book

to escape his shitty life instead of meth,

that's massive.

We don't really have meth here.

You will one day,

and your students won't do it

because you inspired them

to become archaeologists or brain surgeons.

Well, not that one.

I mean, he's a nice lad, but I won't go into it.

You're so nice to me.

And I was so mean about your zookeeper dream.

I went to dinner with my ex-boyfriend tonight.

Oh? Why? Do you still like him?

Oh. No, he's awful.

I-- I wanted him to still like me, though.

Isn't that sad?

No, I get it.

I have a Facebook account.

Listen, I was with Chris tonight,

not Dave.

I've been on two dates with him.

I'm sorry. We kept it secret

because he didn't want Fran to find out.

Like I'm gonna leap on the phone

and call that cow?

I'm glad I was mean to you about your zoo dream.

You're an idiot.

You're right.

Oh.

Do you feel that?

Is he kicking?

No, he just did a little fart.

And you can feel that?

Oh. Oh!

- I'm sorry. - Ohh!

It was the baby. No, I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry. I'm sorry.

What if there's a 9/11 at my school?

Why would there be a 9/11 at your school?

I don't know. Will you have sex with me?

- Well, why don't we just-- - No, I want to.

- I need it. - But you're crying.

It's fine.

I don't want to have sex with a crying woman.

Really?

No, I'll do it, but get it together.

What if my womb prolapses after the birth

and I can't wear leggings anymore?

We'll get you special leggings.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Okay.

What if my bladder bursts

and every time I need to go for a wee,

it just comes pouring out me like a broken fountain

wherever I go?

Adult diapers?

Adult diapers.

Okay. Adult diapers.

It's gone soft.

Mm-hmm.

Do you want to watch a Homeland?

Sure.