Original subtitles

Oh, geez, look at these beauties here.

Hey, hey, come on, huh?

Dogs over the furnishings, huh?

I thought I told you these guys know ladies. Hey, lighten up, man. We just

to see Billy.

I know that.

But you got to order something or take a hike. All right, all right, we'll

order. Uh, what's the cheapest thing in the place?

You are.

Look, why don't you just bring us some water?

I'll tell you where you can get all the free water you want. The Gowanus Canal.

Jump in.

Come on, guys.

Out. Out. Okay, okay. Just tell Billy we were here, huh?

Uh, no.

Goodbye forever, fellas.

Can you beat this?

Nine o 'clock in the morning already flocking in here for her. What the hell

she do to encourage them?

She don't have to encourage them.

I hate her friends so.

Doing Wyatt Oip over here. What the hell does he want?

He's here for Billy.

Excuse me there, Sheriff.

Are you going to order something or are you just waiting for the Daltons to come

in? It's okay, partner. Just waiting for Billy.

Oh, Billy. Well, she ain't riding into town until later. Much later. In fact,

maybe a couple of days, you know. It all depends on the mood of the Indians out

there. I'm going to ask her out tonight.

I got two tickets.

Tickets for what?

The Harlem Experimental Theater. You taking my niece up to Harlem?

They're doing Oklahoma.

The college are doing Oklahoma?

That's right. And next week, fiddler on the roof.

I guess you heard me telling these other gentlemen over here about our anti

-ladering policy.

At school, pardon. I'll have a shot.

Harry, could you shoot him?

Harry, double bourbon.

Self -property at 9 o 'clock in the morning?

You're right.

Make it a double milk.

Help us, Lord.

What does she see in guys like this?

She don't go out with them.

How do you know that? And how do I know that? She's a girl. You never know what

a girl is doing.

That's true.

Good morning. Good morning.

Is Barbara Lee Bunker around?

And another one.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Are you the guy who was asking for Barbara Lee? Yes, sir.

Well, she ought to be in here any minute there. I'm a ruckus.

You're Archie Bunker? Oh, I've heard so many wonderful things about you, sir.

From who?

Barbara Lee. She used to talk about you all the time.

Where was this?

Back in Baltimore.

Barbara Lee and I went to high school together.

Oh.

What an attractive place you have.

Yeah, yeah, we liked it.

This here part is the bar and over there is the restaurant.

Oh, you must be very proud of it.

Well, in a way, Dan, I am very proud of it, yes.

Well, I can certainly see why she wanted to work here. What an opportunity.

Damn right.

Well, well, well, what brings you to New York?

Oh, just passing through on my way to Boston, Mr. Bunker. I'm entering a bank

management program there.

You don't say.

Oh, hey, come on, young man. Sit down there. Make yourself at home.

Oh, thank you. I don't believe that I caught your name. Oh, Ted Green, sir.

Ted Green. That's a fine name.

So you and Barbara Lee, you go way back, huh?

Yes, that's right. When I first met her, she was a freshman and I was president

of the senior class.

He was president of the senior class?

Listen, I want to ask you a question I ask most young men I meet nowadays.

What do you think of Reagan?

Oh, I love him, sir.

He's the reason I joined the Young Republicans.

Harry, buy this young man a drink over here.

Oh, no, thank you, sir. I only drink at weddings and on national holidays.

Ain't that wonderful?

I got to know Barbara Lee when she was a cheerleader and I was captain of the

baseball team.

Excuse me, old -timer.

Got any cookies?

Can't you see that I'm talking to a human being here?

Hey, why don't you come over to the house for dinner tonight?

Oh, well, that's quite an honor, sir, but I was planning on turning in early.

Well, we can have an oily dinner there.

It's almost just around the corner. You can walk there, 704 Houser Street. I'll

get a pencil so you can write it down. Oh, I have one, sir.

Thank God he's got his own pencil.

Terrific.

Put down 8 p .m.

8 is great.

Tell Billy I'll be back.

What for?

She's going to dinner with this young man over here.

Why don't you just hit the trail, eh, Naskman?

I'll be back, Timo Sabi.

Well, at least I got rid of public deadbeat number one.

Why are you inviting young Pat Boone over there, huh?

You sure Billy's gonna like this?

Hey. It's my duty to try and paint her in the right directions.

Barbara Lee.

I don't believe it.

Look at this. She's so thrilled, she's numbstruck.

Ted, what are you doing here?

Ah, same old Babs.

That ain't that charming Babs.

Excuse me, I have work to do.

Wait a minute. Shirley's setting everything up here. Sit down and talk to

old friend.

Archie, please.

Do what your uncle tells you. Sit down and have some fun.

Darling, why didn't you write me?

Ted, I told you I never wanted to see you again.

Don't you remember?

Yes, but can't we get beyond that?

The important thing is, I'm here now, where I belong, in this chair.

Look, Bunker, red ink means loss, black ink means profit. I have no idea what

green ink means.

If you understand nothing, that means I was using my green pen.

Ted, go home.

Don't I have the right to win you back? No. Why not?

Because I'm seeing someone.

I don't believe it.

What's his name? His name is... Gary.

Gary Rabinowitz.

Rabinowitz? Oh, come on.

But, Barbara Lee, you're just overwhelmed at seeing me. This isn't a

to talk.

We'll talk at dinner.

Dinner? Who said anything about dinner?

Your uncle.

He invited me.

Are you at eight, darling?

Oh, wait a minute. Oh, let's save all conversation till tonight.

Oh, goodbye, Mr. Bunker. It was a thrill meeting you, sir. Yeah, well, listen,

there'll be plenty more thrills tonight.

I hate a clock shop.

That's a very nice young fella there.

You made a date for me?

You had the nerve?

Listen, that's the decentest looking young guy that I ever seen you with. At

age, I'm a better judge of character than you.

I'm going to call Mrs. Camby. I'm going to clear the decks for tonight.

I'll have the little kid go over and see her little friend, Amy Broom.

Okay. I'll be there.

Uh, Mrs. Camby, it's me.

Are you busy?

Oh, hi, Billy.

I'm just trying to break your uncle's code.

Could J -A -N possibly stand for January?

No, it stands for juices and nuts.

Are you married?

Is it a trick question?

I'd really like to know.

No, I'm not.

Do you have a girlfriend?

Have you been talking to my mother?

That means no?

Yes.

Uh, no.

Good.

You see, I have this little problem and I really need some help. It's not

accounting, is it?

It's this guy I once dated in Baltimore.

I told him I never wanted to see him again and he followed me here.

Well, that doesn't mean anything.

Archie's taken a liking to him.

Billy, don't worry about it. He invited him to the house for dinner tonight.

Worry about it.

Look, if you don't want to see the guy, just don't go home for dinner tonight.

I just know that he won't go away unless he thinks I'm involved with someone.

I see.

So I told him I was.

Me?

I hope you don't mind.

No, no. If anybody asks me, I'll say we're involved, okay?

Could you do a little more than that?

You don't want me to beat him up, do you?

I just know that he won't stay out of my life forever unless he thinks that

we've been... Uh... Uh... Uh -huh.

Yeah.

So, uh, could you... Oh, I couldn't just like that.

Come to the house for dinner tonight? Oh, dinner just like that. Oh, yeah,

I can do dinner.

Could you also bring me flowers? I'll pay for them. You don't have to do that.

I'd love to bring you flowers.

Thank you.

Come a little after eight.

All right.

Oh, and don't tell my uncle anything about this. It's going to be a surprise.

Somehow I knew you were going to say that.

Billy, uh, I don't know about this.

I mean, if you and I are supposed to be dating and doing that,

we don't know anything about each other. I mean, what if somebody asks?

We don't know favorite foods, movies.

Earthmarks. Hey, we're not giving up to food.

Well, do you like Chinese food?

Sure, I love it. It's my favorite.

Mine, too.

Really? Have you ever been to Sam Wu's house of food?

I've heard of it. That's the home of the Footlong Egg Roll. That's it.

You should see their specialty, the Great Wall of Rice.

I think that's where we go.

Well, but still, Billy... I love old movies.

You're kidding.

So do I.

I'm not just saying that. What are some of your favorites?

Passage to Marseille, Casablanca... You're a Bogart fan?

Peter Lorre.

Oh, that man was a genius.

Hide me, Rick. You have to do something.

Help me, Rick. Do something.

Shut up.

I'm sorry.

No, that was my fault. See, then he says, shut up.

Oh, right.

That was great. Did you see the Maltese Falcon? Oh, that was the best.

It was you.

You stupid fat man.

Nothing. We were just doing movies over here.

Oh, come on, quit kidding around.

There's customers waiting for service out here. Coming, Archie.

Bye, Gary.

Bye, Billy.

Now, Rabinowitz, what about you? You're supposed to finish up here today.

Bunker, it took God six days to make the world.

These books would have tied him up for two years.

Yeah, but God didn't have no job calculator like you got.

Did Mrs.

Caffrey tell you when to take that chicken out of the oven? I just took it

Good. Oh, be sure and set the table right, huh? You know, because Ted's a

guy. If you don't set the table right, classy people always throw a fist.

I'll get that. No, no, no.

You get it. It's him. It's nice of you.

Okay. Okay, she's coming to the door, Ted.

She's opening the door. Hi,

Ted.

Gabs, you remember.

Magenta's my favorite color.

Oh, then you'll love dinner. We have the same color jello.

That's so thoughtful.

Will you let him in, please? Just stop letting the heat out.

These are for you.

Thank you. I'll go put them in some water.

Yeah, yeah. Put them in water so they won't float.

That's one thing I admire about Barbara Lee. She really understands plant life.

She does, huh?

Well, sit down. Sit down, young man here. Sit down. I want to talk to you

about Reagan. No, not in that chair. Sit in the one over there.

You know, the presidency, by giving us back our taxes like he's doing, he ain't

going to make us pay for this next war.

Do you know how he's going to raise that trillion and a half, he means?

Oh, yes, sir. He's going to borrow it from the banks.

So what the hell do we care?

Oh, these are for you, Mr. Bunker. Oh, gee, you shouldn't have.

I'm only sorry. They couldn't be from Havana.

Oh, cigars. What do you... These are Korean Corona.

Well, listen, they're probably very nice.

The nicest cigars are made in places where the people are all scared.

Dinner's ready. Why don't we come and sit down?

That's a good idea. Let's go and sit down, huh?

Roasted chicken.

My safe.

Sit down, too. Now, you hometowners can have a real, what do you call, neuralgic

person.

Pass the piece.

Hold it, please.

I couldn't think of starting without saying grace.

That's wonderful.

This day and age.

To find a young man who's got the decency to be scared of God.

I'll get it. If it's one of them religions, just tell them we're praying

slam the door.

What are they wrong around here? You know, we get them all. We get the

we get the seven -day adventurers, we get the Jehovah's defendants, all of

Annoying, aren't they, sir? Oh!

Hey, look over here!

Hi.

Now, Benowitz, what are you doing here?

Gary?

Rabinowitz? I'm so glad you dropped by, honey.

Hey, hey, hey.

Beauty, stop that. What are you doing kissing my lawyer?

Your lawyer stole my girl?

I guess I should explain.

Gary and I wanted to keep it a secret, but it has to come out.

We're... You're what?

Well, I suppose I should have mentioned it, but I didn't want to mix business

with pleasure.

Don't you dare call my niece pleasure.

You like going around breaking up happy couples, fella?

What happy couple?

I didn't know this terrible thing was happening.

Well, it just sort of snuck up on us when you weren't around.

Get your arm out from around her.

You can't wipe out years of memories like this.

Ted, you and I only went out three times.

Okay, so it wasn't years, but those dates were very meaningful.

We went miniature golfing.

But I let you win. Didn't you get it?

Well, I'm not giving you up without a fight.

Come on, clown.

Listen, buddy, I didn't come here to fight, but if that's what I have to do,

I'll do it. Wait a second. This is getting stupid now.

How could you do this to me?

Because you refuse to accept what I'm telling you. What?

Gary and I are involved.

Involved? Hopelessly involved.

Well, this counts as a shock to me, Ted. All I can say is I'm very sorry.

What exactly does this mean?

Yeah, please, what exactly does this mean?

All right, now wait just a minute.

We don't have to explain anything to this man.

I say you don't.

I was wrong about you, Barbara Lee.

To think I yelled at my mother when she told me you were the kind of girl who

slept around.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

I ain't gonna allow that kind of talk in my house.

I think, at least for the moment, Ted, you better go.

Oh, I'm going.

And thanks for nothing, fatso.

I'll help you blow up on those Korean torpedoes.

You won't believe what I heard here.

And this guy said he was on a ball squad.

He was the bat boy.

And what about being president of the senior class?

He made the posters for the campaign.

Let me tell you something.

A young man can't lie like that and go very far in the banking business.

Not in the U .S. of A.

Night.

It's a question.

All right, the hell with him. But this is another thing.

What is this involvement tragedy, huh, that's going on under my nose behind my

back?

Gary and I aren't really involved. He just helped me to get rid of Ted.

You were terrific, Gary.

Hey, any time.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. What are you trying to tell me?

This arm around and the kissing and all of this stuff is some kind of a gag just

to give this guy the gains?

Yes. Well, I don't know why I have to put up with this kind of tortures here

my own house.

I better be going. No, no, I invited you for dinner and we have all this chicken

and everything. Isn't that right, Archie? Oh, do what you want.

Who knows, I ain't got no control over the doings in this house no more.

Hey, Billy, did you see the paper?

The Rialto is showing Peter Lorre in Think Fast, Mr. Moto.

Why don't we go tomorrow night? I'd love to. Okay. Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Interfering again?

Excuse me, I gotta object to this.

This is not only a concern of mine, but a concern of the whole world as we know

it.

How would your sweet little mama feel if she knew that you was going out with an

un -Jewish guy?

She doesn't know about it.

She'll feel just fine.

But if I don't feel fine, why should she?

We feel fine. That's all that counts.

Case closed.

Do Peter Lord for me again.

To whom?

It was you. You stupid fat man.

I'm living. in a nightmare.

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