All language subtitles for Two In Clover s02e05.eng

Huh? Huh?

Hello,

Dolly. Hello, Tiger.

I'm sorry, Vic. My car... She's been
slipping.

Don't worry, darling. Mine won't. You
hot -blooded hedge -cutter.

I was beginning to get worried. I
thought I might have to start cutting

edge. Well, that would never do. We
don't want you towering yourself out.

cutting edges anywhere.

You know, Sidney, sometimes you're so
rough and earthy.

I'm delighted to say.

Beg your pardon?

Oh, no, I beg yours. I thought you were
one of us, but now I see that you're one

of them.

I'm not quite sure what you're talking
about.

Sex. I classified you wrongly.

You're male.

If I'm not, I'm very flat -chested.

Oh, very true.

Listen, now you've established my sex,
why don't you come in and then we can

introduce ourselves properly, eh?

I'm Ramona Barkley, widow of this parish
and several others.

I'm Victor Evans, you see.

Bachelor from Beddyshire College.

Oh, you're a Welshman. Yes, yes, I'm
proud of it.

Oh, fascinating people, the Welsh. My
first husband was a Celt.

Or was it my second? Well, it was one of
them.

Oh, he used to prance around Stonehenge.

Talk! Naked.

Was he some sort of druid? No, just an
exhibitionist.

Well, we're very extrovert, us Welsh.
Oh, yes, and passionate.

I adore Welshmen. You do?

It's years since I left Wales. I'm well
and truly anglicised. Oh, really? I do

hope it wasn't painful.

I suppose you're wondering why I've
called.

Well, it had crossed my mind, yes.

Well. I'm looking for a man.

Well, it's only natural, you being a
widow.

You don't understand.

I want a man who thinks he can take
advantage of my beautiful daughter.

Oh, well, in that case, I'll be only too
happy to oblige. I'm not advertising

the position.

I'm trying to curb her of her amorous
activities.

Oh, I can assure you I've not been
amorous with her. No, no, it isn't you.

It's Mr.

Turner. Sidney?

You must be mistaken.

I'm not mistaken.

Oh, he's having a wild, passionate
affair.

Are you sure?

Yes. Well, if he's with Hillary, he must
be. She's absolutely mad, mad.

I don't know where she gets it from.

I think you're mistaken, you see. I
think you've got the wrong Mr. Turner.

Well, his kidney's in the top meadow,
slogging away.

Thank you, Tiger.

I like to breathe now and again.

Oh, Sidney, you're so strong, so virile,
so masculine. Yes, well, either you've

got it or you haven't. And you've
definitely got to come here. Now, wait,

hang on, hang on.

What is it now? Well, it's nearly one o
'clock.

Well, we're not on shift work. No, I
know, but even Ford's not all for lunch.

Couldn't we put in a little overtime?

No, no, no.

I think I'd better get back. We could be
waiting. Come on.

I'd like to meet this partner of yours.

Yeah, well, I think you'd be wasting
your time, really. It's his age, you

How old is he?

Seventy -odd. He's pathetic, really, the
way he is. Potter's about. He's quite

happy.

What about this afternoon?

Pick me up in half an hour.

All right, tiger.

20 minutes.

20 minutes? I can't wait that long. Why
not?

Well, I want to get back on the job.

Sid, how much longer are you going to be
on that hedge? Oh, it could be days,

yeah. Days?

Well, even a couple of weeks.

Does the name Barclay mean anything to
you?

Barclay? Yeah, Barclay. I had a Mrs.
Barclay around here this morning,

that you were pleasuring yourself with
her daughter.

Me? Yeah, you.

No, no, not me, mate.

Now, I don't know if I'm the wrong
turner.

Must be some other fellow that's messing
about with Hillary.

Hillary?

Is that her name?

That's what you just said.

Did I?

Yeah. Oh, well, just a picture of
speech.

Just shows you what a small world it is.

Hello. It's the Fletcher Police Force.

Come to collect his eggs, though, Speck?

Oh, no.

I'm sick and tired of him scrounging all
the time. Ah, what's it... I said it's

worth it. Keep on the right side of the
law.

We're running a blooming farm, mate, not
a strip club.

I mean...

We don't have to pay protection.

If he wants any more eggs, he'll have to
lay them himself.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Morning. Definitely not.

I beg your pardon, sir? No more eggs.

You'll have to scrounge them somewhere
else. Mr. Turner, I hope you don't think

my weekly visits have anything to do
with my egg consumption.

Why do you come round here, then? As a
representative of law and order, I

consider it my duty to visit all farm
properties in this area to discourage

marauders and stamp out cattle rustling.

Cattle knocker? Who do you think you
are, John Wayne?

There's no cattle rustlers in Fletchley.

Exactly. It just shows you what a good
job I'm doing.

Well, he's got a point there. I mean,
that's worth half a dozen eggs, isn't

No, no, no, sir. I don't want you to
think you'll be older than me in any

even though I do tramp the highways and
byways in snow, sleet and rain.

On your behalf.

I accepted those eggs from the spirit in
which they were given.

The spirit has just run out.

That's all right, sir. It'll make no
difference to the execution of my duty.

Just because you have withdrawn the and
of friendship does not mean that I

should be any less existent and bear you
any malice. I should hope not.

Have you got a licence for that car
outside, sir?

Yes. Is it tax -free, George?

Yes. Has it had the... No, it's had the
MOT test.

Could I see them, please?

Yes.

You're wasting your time, mate. You
haven't got a thing on me.

Very nice car, the Triumph Spitfire,
sir.

Pardon? And a very nice young lady.

I would much rather he didn't know.

Oh, it's a secret, is it, sir?

Well, you know how it is. I know, sir.

Don't you worry, rely on my relaxants.

Yes.

Even though you have withdrawn the hand
of friendship.

Oh, here they are, Vic. Licence,
everything else. Vic, I've been thinking

eggs won't do us any harm. We don't want
to take a chance on being rustled.

I know.

Are we friends again, then? Yeah, Mick.

What's half a dozen eggs?

A dozen.

Thank you, sir. Very generous.

I'll pick them up this afternoon with
the butter.

Just half a pound will do, sir.

Well, I shan't be needing those now.
Good day, gentlemen.

What's he got on you?

Oh, don't be ridiculous. He hasn't got
anything on me. I gave him those eggs

of the warmth and generosity of my
heart. If your heart is warm and

you better transplant.

I must get back to the hedge.

Back to the grind, eh?

Yes, you could call it that.

Shall I come and give you a hand? No,
thanks. I can manage this job on my own.

if you're sitting away there nibbling at
some bird's ear hole and you find

yourself surrounded by the beaver
patrol.

Well, they were supposed to be studying
fieldcraft.

I nearly saw some.

Yeah, but look, Sid, days are for
working, nights are for crumpet.

Hillary is not crumpet. We'd hardly
classify her as work. I would, mate.

been working on her for weeks. What do
you mean?

She's the Sid Turner plan for
prosperity.

What are you talking about? Marriage,
mate. Feet under the table.

You mean you're contemplating wedlock?

Until death do us part.

I don't believe it.

All my life I've been looking for a bird
like this. All my life. She's a

smasher. She fancies me. She's sex mad
and she's loaded.

It's better than winning the pools.

What does Hillary think about getting
spliced? Well, I haven't actually popped

the question yet, but that's just a mere
formality. I mean, when I turn it on,

I'm irresistible.

I'm modest, with it.

I reckon I've cracked it. Oh, Sid, you
know the old saying, don't count your

chickens? Don't worry, mate, this is one
that's definitely going to hatch. Yeah,

but you've forgotten about Mother Hen,
haven't you?

I'm under the impression she wasn't too
keen on you.

She will be after tonight.

After tonight?

Lesson one in the Siddhartha Karma
Sutra.

The way to a woman's heart is through
her mother.

Hello, handsome.

Hello yourself, Miss Barkley.

Have we met before?

No, but I've seen you.

I've seen you with Sid.

I'm Victor Evans.

Amazing. I'd never have believed it.
Believed what?

Are you having hormones?

Not that I'm aware of.

Doesn't the medical profession know
about you?

No. I'm beginning to think they ought to
know about you. You're a phenomenon.

What have I done?

Well, you look so young. I never thought
you were 71.

71?

Hey, what did Sidney say?

He said you were a senile, toothless,
doddering 70 -year -old.

Oh, he did, did he?

He obviously didn't want me to meet you.

Now I've seen you, I know why.

Is Simeon?

No, he's out.

Oh, what a pity.

Are you doing anything this evening?

Nothing that won't keep a couple of
months.

Why don't we go for a drive?

Oh, I'd like that.

It's a nice night for it. I know, but
let's go for a drive first.

All right.

Just give me the phone call first.

Don't go away.

OK?

Hello? The Barclay residence?

Ramona Barclay speaking.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Barclay. This is Victor
Evans.

We met this morning. Do you remember?

Well, I had a word with Sid about your
daughter.

Oh, so he has been trifling with her.

Oh, well, it's like this, you see.

He's using her to get at you.

It's you he really fancies.

Me? He fancies me?

Yes.

Infatuated. Worshipps you from afar, so
to speak.

Oh, how very romantic.

And he's managed to overcome his natural
shyness, and he's on his way to see you

now. I wouldn't be surprised if he
plighted his trough.

He couldn't plight it in a better place.

Count your chickens, would you, Sidney?

Enter.

Mr Turner to see you, madam.

Just a moment.

didn't he, Turner?

Well, I hope you don't mind me calling,
Mrs. Bartley.

Call me Ramona.

Ramona? That's an unusual name.

It's Spanish.

Oh, I didn't know you were Spanish.

No, I'm not, but I was conceived in
Torremolinos.

Yes, very cosmopolitan. Here, I'll put
you this.

Oh, you extravagant suitor. Yes, well, I
thought... Pardon?

Don't look so surprised, isn't he? I
know why you're here.

You do?

Yes. I've just spoken with Mr Evans.

Oh, well, I hope you haven't got any
objections.

Oh, none whatsoever.

Do come and sit here. Oh, thank you.

Now, you're quite sure you know what
you're doing.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes, it was love at first sight.

Oh, you romantic rascal, you.

In favour of a long engagement?

Neither am I. I think we should get
married right away. Oh, there you go

You wonderful fool!

How about next month?

How about next Saturday?

Oh, you impetuous Romeo!

Hildegard!

Hildegard?

Oh, it's Saturday?

Yeah. Yeah, I can't wait. Sock it to
him, Sid, they call me.

Hildegard, dear.

Bring a bottle of Bollinger.

Mr. Turner and I are going to get
married.

Hiya, Sid.

What have you been doing with Hillary?

Nothing. Did you have a mush?

You dirty devil.

How did you get all my money then?

You dropped me right in it there, didn't
you?

70 -year -old Dodger, remember, Sid?

It's what they call tit for tat.

Yeah, and I finish up with a tat.

You got on well with her then, did you?
Yes.

We get her married next Saturday.

Married? How the hell did that happen?

One minute we're chatting away, the next
minute she's talking about the

honeymoon.

Well, congratulations, Sid. I don't mind
about the congratulations. What do I

do? Oh, your age, you should know.

It's not funny.

Mr. Turner, allow me to congratulate you
on your nuptials.

Everybody knows you and the charming
Mrs. Barclay. What a surprise.

The biggest surprise it was to Sidney.

Now, Mr. Turner, the cars.

What cars? For the happy event.

C .D. Armitage, luxury limousines,
weddings and funerals.

Who's C .D. Armitage? Oh, it's just a
little sideline, you understand, sir.

luxury limousines have you got then?
Rolls Royces and Daimlers?

Well, they're not exactly luxury
limousines. What exactly are they? The

Ford Prefect and my panda car.

Do you use your funeral as a black
mariah? Oh, as well as it is.

Now, with regard to the catering, sir,
might I suggest my lady wife, she does a

very nice sit -down knife and fork with
seven and six per head, one and a half

slices of ham each, bread and butter,
green salad, cup of tea, and your

individual maid of honour. Because on
the other hand, if it's to be your stand

-up, paper -plate, older -than -your
-hand affair, her savouries and vol -au

-vons are the talk of the county.

Have you finished?

I was just trying to smooth your path of
happiness, though. Oh, smooth me own

path. Thank you very much. Yes, sir.
Well, I'll see you in church, then.

Who invited you?

I'm the resident organist, sir.

You are? Oh, I shall have all me stops
out on Saturday.

Well, good day, gentlemen.

I'm telling you right now, there is not
going to be any wedding. You're going to

break it off? Yes, I am, mate. I'll mark
her card.

Get your pencil out.

Darling, have you told... to the good
news.

He's talked about nothing else.

Oh, you expectant little groom.

I'll leave you lovebirds together then.

Sit down, Conchita.

Ramona. Oh, darling.

About the wedding.

Oh, don't worry, dear. All the
arrangements are in hand. The cards are

the vicar alerted, and a special license
has been applied for. Now, about the...

Tim, I felt we should start with, oh,
perfect love.

What about, oh, God, our help?

I hope you're not developing cold feet.
No, no, no, it's not. We've got to have

a very serious talk about us. There is
something you ought to know.

Oh, dear, you haven't got any strange
war wounds.

God forbid. I mean, the point is, what
I'm trying to say is that marriage is a

very big step.

Oh, don't worry.

After five weddings, I'm well up the
ladder.

The point is, is that we have got to be
absolutely sure that we're right for

each other. Oh, but you're perfect for
me.

Yes, well, you know what they say? It is
better to have loved and lost than

never to have loved at all. Then again,
they say it is better to have loved and

won than never to have lost.

Yes, well...

If you have lost, I mean, you get over
it, because time is a great healer. Yes,

but not as great as the money.

Money? I was only jilted once. He was a
very wealthy man. He owned a chain of

restaurants. I sued him for every penny
he had.

Sued him? You know what they say about a
woman scorned.

Scorned? The last time I heard of him,
he was...

He was a waiter in a wimpy bar.

Now, what was it you wanted to say?

I'll see you in church.

That's it.

I don't feel very well. Come on, get in
there.

Listen, this time tomorrow, just think,
you'll be on your honeymoon.

It's no good, Vic. I can't go through
with it. Shh!

I'm going to call it off. You can't call
it off. You've got to go through with

it, otherwise we'll be ruined.

It's all right for you, isn't it?

Can you imagine what it's going to be
like waking up every morning and seeing

that horrible face next to you on the
pillow?

Don't worry, she'll soon get used to it.
Oh, it's not mine, you twit!

I'm going to have another tranquiliser.
Look, steady with those. They're not

dolly mixtures.

How much longer have I got?

Oh, I'll make it five minutes to zero.

Dearly beloved...

we are gathered here together in the
sight of God and in the face of this

congregation to join together this man
and this woman in the holiest state of

matrimony. If any of you have cause or
just impediment to say why these two

people should not be joined together in
holy matrimony, let him now speak or

forever hold his peace.

But thou... Hang on, hang on a minute.

Is something wrong? Yes, give somebody a
chance to speak up.

There's no objection.

Go on, Reverend.

Would thou, Sidney Ambrose... Ambrose?
Oh, shucks. Gentlemen.

Please.

Would thou, Sidney Ambrose Turner, have
this woman to thy wedded wife, to live

together after God's ordinance in the
holy estate of matrimony? Would thou

her, comfort her, honour her, and keep
her in sickness and in health, and for

taking all others, keep thee only unto
her, so long as you both shall live?

Speak up, Mr. Turner.

I do.

Thank you.

Will you, Ramona Barclay, have this man
to thy wedded husband to live together

after God's order? Don't bother with all
that. I do.

Oh, very well. The ring, please. The
ring, yes.

There you are, Reverend.

Please sit on the third finger.

Now you sit.

Repeat after me. With this ring I thee
wed. With my body I thee worship.

With all my worldly goods I thee endow.
I now pronounce you man and wife. You

may kiss the bride.

After you.

Well, do hurry up.

Your little bride is waiting for you.

Now what are you doing?

I'm looking for my cigarettes.

Oh, they're in here.

Eh? Oh.

Thank you. I want you to have a drag for
a tune.

Sidney, are you nervous?

No, no. Well, why have you just lit the
filter, Tim?

Can't you pay any price?

I'm not really tired. I'll just read the
paper.

We've got no paper.

Oh? Well, I'll go get one.

Sidney, I do believe you're shy.

That's it.

That's it, I am. I'm shy.

Shouldn't we have separate rooms?

Oh, don't be silly, dear. Come on, get
into bed.

Sidney!

Aren't you going to take off that...
Horrible dressing gown. No, well, I get

cold in bed.

Oh, well, I'll soon warm you up, dear.

Oh. Oh, Sidney.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

It's Sidney. Help. Help.

Somebody help.

Help.

Help. Help.

Help. Wake up, Sid.

Where are we? You're in church, of
course. What do you think?

Hasn't it happened yet? I think it's
happened so far as you've not enough.

I had a shocking nightmare.

I can't go through with it.

It's too late now.

Here comes the bride.

And here goes the groom.

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