Original subtitles

Hi, Mr. Mosby. I can't talk now. Working on a very important hotel problem.

I was just going to say hi.

There's no time for that.

You'll say hi, I'll say hi. You'll say, how's it going? I'll say, fine. Then

I'll feel compelled to ask you, how's it going? Even though I don't care.

Then suddenly I'm listening to you drone on and on and on and on.

Hey, Mom, can I have an advance on my allowance?

Another one? You've already gotten advances through retirement.

Okay, in that case...

Can I have an advance on my inheritance?

Oh, come on, you're not going to live forever.

Keep asking me for money and neither will you.

Well, please, it's for something really important.

What's that?

An enchanted sorcerer wand.

Oh, well, as long as it's not for something silly.

It's for this new online video game, Medieval Magic Quest, where you exist in

computer -generated world and interact with virtual people.

Oh, good, then you can get your virtual mother to give you the money.

Please, Mom, this game is pure fun and fantasy.

There are no mothers.

Fine. Maybe you can use your magic wand to get Mr. Mosby to give me a raise.

Oh, thanks, Mom.

I'd love it.

You already bought it?

Yeah, I didn't want to wait, so I used my own money.

Now I can pay myself back.

I think I have a virtual headache.

No, no, it's real.

Yes we have a sweet life!

I doubt that. The internet is a global network of fiber optic backbones with

fail -safe access points and redundant router protocols.

The internet's broken!

All right, well, here, let me try ending some system processes.

There! You're back online.

Were you trying to search for yourself?

Maybe you can't, but everybody else can.

London Tipton.

Wow, over a million hits. Ooh, let's look up Portia to see how much less

she is than me.

All right, Portia Tannenbaum.

Wow, five million hits.

Gasp, how could she have more hits than me?

She has her own web show.

A web show?

She has her own web show?

What's a web show?

Take that, ogre. Take that, troll.

Take that.

Lamp.

Hey, Zach.

I'm back from the market.

Ah, rations.

Making me a sandwich, wench.

Excuse me?

Please? You seem to be enjoying this game more than the math game I got you.

Multiplication celebration.

Easy as pie.

Oh, that's not true.

That sorcerer?

That's me.

Multak Firewind.

I've joined an alliance with another player who calls himself Jango

He's a shadow knight.

So many questions.

I think I'll start with, what's a shadow knight?

Hello, a dark paladin.

A warrior.

Man, he's incredible.

hold of reality and taketh it for a ride, shall we?

Enough with the game. You need some fresh air and sunlight.

Yeah, Mom, I get plenty of that.

Ah! Close it! Close it! It burns!

Okay. Everything is set up for your web show. Now, I'm going to count backwards

from five. You don't have to show off. You already have the job.

me bedroom, where me sleep.

Later, my special guest will be the man responsible for Portia Tenenbaum's last

three nose jobs, Dr. Fred Zippinpickle.

Hi, London. I'm really glad... Zippinpickle.

Dr. Z is going to show us how to pick your nose.

Boy.

But first, let's hear our theme song.

Just anyone.

Thank you, unless you're wearing a skirt.

No, I am not wearing a skirt.

Not even for money. I can't be bought.

But I can be rented.

Honey, are you still playing that game?

You need to get some exercise.

Oh, I am. Feel the muscle on my one arm.

I mean, this one, this one just kind of dangles, but this one...

Fighting monsters is quite the workout.

This game is more than just fighting monsters.

As Multac, I'm learning valuable skills like blacksmithing, alchemy, and jewel

enchanting.

Honey, I want you off this computer.

Right, hold that thought.

Jango was counting on me to guide him through the plane of despair.

Honey, there's always going to be a reason to keep playing.

I knew you'd understand.

battling an ogre army headed by an evil gorgon legend has it she could destroy a

man with one deathly gaze honey i'm concerned you're getting addicted to

game oh please mom i could stop anytime i want okay how about now i said anytime

i want welcome to london tipton's yay me starring

london tipton with your host and star london tipton

star here. Sorry.

Here's London!

making, yay me, the third most watched show on the internet.

Right behind Exploding Soda Can and Monkey Performs Surgery.

Okie dokie. My first guest today is someone who's not as rich or as pretty

am. Please welcome my good friend Chelsea Brimmer.

Chelsea! Yay, Chelsea!

Yay! That's enough. It's just Chelsea.

Thanks for having me on your show, London. I understand you brought us a

That's right.

and shaped like a butterfly.

Can I show everyone how hideous it looks on that little blonde nerd?

Hey! No.

This little blonde nerd still has blisters from those heels you made me

Don't worry. We're not going to dress you.

Good. Today, we're talking about what girls look for in a guy.

Can I get a volunteer from the audience?

Uh -oh.

You, sir!

London, I really don't want to do this. Okay.

Imagine I... Set you up on a blind date with Cody. Ew, he's poor.

I know, just pretend.

Now, where would you take a girl on a first date?

Probably somewhere fun -ducational.

Like, like this aquarium.

To picnic in the glow of the phosphorescent lantern eye.

Boring.

Okay, where would you take a girl on a second date?

Well... Ha, trick question.

You wouldn't get a second date because... You're nerdy, boring, and

going to stand here and be insulted?

Then sit down, because we're about to start makeup tips.

Pucker up.

I'm not the one to put lipstick on, especially that trashy shade.

I'm a producer, not a dress -up doll.

Well, I don't need a producer. I need a puckerer. Yeah, well, now you don't have

a producer or a puckerer, because I quit.

You can't quit. Oh, yeah? Then what do you call me leaving and never coming

back? This is no time for trick questions.

And you have a five o 'clock cheesy shadow.

You know what? That's it. Game over.

No. Mom, no, no, no, no. Mom, you're using up all my fire poop.

Mom, no.

Silence, Moltar. It's Moltak, the mighty sorcerer.

Moltar is good, too.

Bed. No, no, no. Just five more minutes. I can't abandon Django when he's

surrounded by lizard demons. I am sure Django's mommy wants him in bed, too.

Walter?

Walter?

Where did you go?

Oh! Holy hobgoblins!

Lizard demons!

Help!

Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch

Don't touch me!

Okay, it's been 12 hours since I played...

I'm talking to myself, but, you know, at least I'm not thinking about Medieval

Magic Quest.

I can't believe London.

You know, I do everything to get her show off the ground and make her look

and all she does is make me look bad.

Oh, boo.

You know what?

You don't know what it's like to have something you love taken away from you.

Oh, yeah?

Last week, you stole my biology homework.

I'm talking about something that matters.

It's just a game.

Oh, dude, it's just a game.

How do you know it's not real and all this is just a game?

Because I'm not from the planet Zoltar.

Well, yeah, obviously.

Everyone knows the Zoltarians are amphibious.

Zoltar? Zoltar, where are you? The orcs are upon us. What?

Can't you see I'm busy, you filthy peasant? I just wanted an extra room

extra room.

Oh, let me put that down. Yes, it's room key. Of course, I'm so sorry. You know

that filthy peasant remark?

Merely part of our medieval theme week.

Huzzah!

Welcome to Yay Me!

Starring London Tipton!

You're supposed to say...

You're lucky I made sure I was here.

Never mind.

Ivana's at the spa getting her tail waxed, so Chelsea's gonna fill it.

Wait. Good girl.

Now.

Bad dog. Cody would have eaten that.

And Cody would have made sure Ivana was here.

Questions from our audience.

and sleeping grandma.

How do you know?

Because I'm watching her webcast.

The fly just went up her nose.

Ew!

Okay, maybe I'll log on for just a minute.

in Django Darkwood?

Well, how do you know?

Because I'm Multac Firewind.

How could this possibly be?

Holy hobgoblins, I thought I'd never see you again.

Hail and well met.

Huzzah!

How's my kingdom?

Alas, I wish I had better tidings. It's been overrun by blood giants.

I tried to stop them, but they're giant.

Where did you go?

My mother made me quit.

She thinks the game is addictive.

Ridiculous, right?

Huh?

I think she's right.

I mean, I haven't done any work in a fortnight.

Plus, I just said fortnight.

Yeah, I haven't done any homework in like... three months.

Game's only been out for two weeks.

What's your point?

Perhaps with each other's help, we can kick this filthy habit.

It's so fun. It's so, so fun.

No, no, no.

We must stay strong, young Malta.

As you wish, Lord Darkblade.

But somebody needs a trim.

I wish Cody would come back.

Why don't you just apologize to him? But I can't. Daddy says there are two

things a tipton never does.

Apologize and pay taxes.

Oh, my daddy told me the same thing the last time I visited him in prison.

If I wanted to apologize, I wouldn't know where to start.

Oh, I've seen people do it in movies, and I think that they list things that

they did wrong.

thought of that now anyway all i know is that the show was at its best when he

was here he was the yay and yay me look cody

if you're out there and happen to be watching this really bad show produced

chelsea

apology now come on we have a show to do

It got so bad, I found myself dreaming about orcs.

Yeah, I used to dream about girls.

I hear you, buddy.

My name is Marion, and I'm a video game addict.

I'm out of control, okay?

I mean, I started building a moat in my backyard.

Django. Django.

Oh, please. Yeah, that's right.

Django Darkblade.

You know, I noticed when we came in, the security guard had a laptop.

Oh.

No, wait, wait, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You mustn't.

Just stay.

Because I called dibs.