Original subtitles

Hey, cody, want to head down to the park and shoot some hoops?

I can't. I'm taking a test.

On a Saturday?

Yeah! It's fun.

And the winner of boston's biggest nerd

For an unprecedented 5 years in a row is

Cody martin!

[imitates crowd cheering]

Very funny.

Well, this happens to be an aptitude test that I found on the internet,

You know, that thing people use to look up stuff

Besides a man wearing a beard of bees.

Dude, it's a beard of bees!

Yeah, well, this test is awesome.

It tells you what you're going to be when you grow up.

Hmm. I'll take the test, too.

Ha ha!

You're looking at the beard of bees again, aren't you?

Maybe.

♪ here I am in your life ♪

♪ here you are in mine ♪

♪ yes, we have a suite life ♪

♪ most of the time ♪

♪ you and me, we got the world to see ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ just me and you know what to do ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ it's you and me and me and you ♪

♪ we got the whole place to ourselves ♪

♪ you and me, we got it all for free ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ this is the suite life ♪

♪ we've got a suite life ♪

Captioning made possible by abc cable networks group

Here you are. I've been looking all over for you.

And you found me in the lobby.

What a strange twist of fate! Oh!

Mr. Moseby, my podium is falling apart, and I want a new one.

I picked out a lovely one

From podium emporium.

It's mahogany...

With a little holder for my spectacles.

Oh! It is beautiful!

However we can't afford it.

I'm prepared to quit.

I'm prepared to replace you.

I hate when you do that.

♪ I'm back ♪

Don't I look great? I know.

Guess where I've been.

Inside a lamp?

No. I've been to morocco.

It's so wonderful there.

During the day, it's so bright.

And at night, it gets dark?

You've been there?

Just guessing.

Well, they love me in morocco. See?

They put me on the cover.

Must have been a slow news day.

Daddy's gonna build a hotel on a beach

And name it after me.

Oh, great! I can't wait to stay at hotel airhead!

Yeah!

Moseby: Ah.

London, how was morocco?

Great. I kissed a camel.

Not on the first date, I hope.

Anyway, I've invited the ambassador to dinner this Friday night.

And I want him to be treated to a moroccan feast.

Ooh. I'll call my kabob guy--bob,

My pita guy--peter,

And my couscous guy--steve.

London: Daddy also wants the restaurant redecorated

To look all moroccany and stuff.

Wonderful idea. We'll spare no expense.

We'll get the finest hand-sewn carpets

And beautiful silk tapestries.

Ooh, and jewel-encrusted brass lamps.

Ooh, thanks!

Oh.

And yet

You can't afford a stinking podium.

Now, patrick, it's--

Oh, patrick.

[whispering] what did you get for question 19?

1-9?

Stop whispering.

And this isn't the kind of test you can cheat on.

Sorry. Force of habit.

It's really quite interesting. Did you read question 20?

Would you rather design a device to retrieve broken satellites from space

Or trash a hotel room?

Oh, that's easy. Oh, that's easy.

Satellite! Hotel room!

Criminal. Goody two-shoes.

Well, I'm hoping this test will help me decide

Between becoming a scientist or writing the great american novel.

I'm just hoping after we hit send,

It'll make a whooshing sound.

[whoosh]

Oh, man, that's the best!

Even better than grandpa burps the alphabet?

Oh, that's cool, too,

Especially when he chokes on "w."

♪ ♪

Cool. The results are in.

What? This test says I'm going to be a sanitation engineer.

Engineer. Pretty good.

No. You don't understand.

Sanitation engineer is just a fancy name for garbageman.

Oh, well, at least yours makes sense.

You're a clean freak. Mine says that I'm gonna become a...

[key-o] ceo.

What the heck is a ceo?

That says "c.E.O."

Excellent!

What's a c.E.O.?

Chief executive officer.

You're going to be the head of a large corporation.

And I'm going to be a garbageman?

There must be some mistake.

Cody, can you throw that away for me?

Yeah.

Nope. No mistake.

Patrick, where are you?

Hiding.

Oh, come out from under there.

What do you want?

Well, for my first wish, I would--

That's it. I-I'm changing back into my tuxedo.

No, no, no, no, no. Patrick, there is no time for that.

The moroccan ambassador is on his way in.

Ah. Here they are. Ms. London, mr. Ambassador.

Welcome to the tipton.

I hope you enjoy our moroccan decor.

Ah.

Right this way.

Please have a seat. Careful.

It's a long way down.

Sit where you like, sir.

I don't have a bad side.

I hope you enjoy your goat kabob appetizer.

Don't worry. We've removed its tiny beard.

And we've arranged some very special entertainment for you.

Ahem. Maybe not so special.

[clap clap]

[music playing]

What happened to the professional belly dancer?

Belly ache.

Stay away from the tabbouleh.

London: But she's awful.

London: Oh!

Patrick, I need an iced tea with a slice of lime and a sprig of mint.

And by the way, the ambassador's either choking

Or playing charades.

Patrick: Oh, dear!

Aah! Oh, my!

Oh, I missed the heimlich maneuver class.

I was at a hockey game with my dad.

Apparently, he regretted not spending more time with me as a child--

Oh! Move it!

[ptooey]

Ok. Ew!

You saved my life.

Maddie: Nah.

But then again, who am I to argue with an ambassador?

Honey...

Can you help me put these away?

Right after I finish

This article about global economics and emerging markets.

Ok. Never mind, cody. I'll ask zack.

I am zack.

But you're reading a magazine

With words.

Well, if I'm destined to become a titan of industry,

I have to stay on top of things.

Yeah, but your feet don't, mr. Titan.

Sorry.

You know, this magazine has everything

We c.E.O. Millionaire types could want.

Should I get a flying car, a flying boat,

Of a flying monkey?

There's no such thing as flying monkeys.

Well, I'll be darned.

I'd go with the boat.

It doesn't fling...

Bananas at you when it gets mad.

Good idea. Remind me to put you on my board of directors.

Well, hey, would you look at this?

Blue chip stocks are up 2.6%.

At that rate, that's an annualized gain of 31.2%.

Zack...

Did you just do math?

I guess I did!

You know, if they had just put dollar signs in math books,

I would have started studying a long time ago.

That aptitude test was

The best thing that ever happened to this family.

Hey, mom.

Hey, einstein, got any good theories for me?

Mom: Cody, that is a new look for you.

Yeah. I call it my "I have no future, so what's the point" look.

Honey, just because some aptitude test says

You're gonna wind up in a certain career,

It doesn't mean it's true.

So are you saying

That I'm not going to be a successful businessman?

Of course you are.

But you just said the test was bogus.

Well, it is.

So I'm not going to be a tycoon?

Well...

No, what I mean is...

What I'm trying to say is...

Who wants pizza bagels?

It's pizza on a bagel.

Later. Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to talk to a man about a monkey.

Well...

Why don't I take out the trash,

Because I'm going to be a garbageman anyway.

And a bad one at that.

Excuse me. Aren't you maddie fitzpatrick?

Every day, oh, except on weekends.

When I'm hillary hen at the cluck-bucket.

Three pieces for a buck. Bawk, bawk, bawk!

Can I have your autograph?

Oh, you saw my wing ding dance.

No, no, no. You saved that ambassador.

Your picture is on the cover

Of "what's what" magazine.

Shut up!

Boy, we are so carrying this magazine from now on.

London!

London!

Guess who's on the cover of "what's what."

Who? Who?

Me! Me!

Why? Why?

Because I saved a life.

But I should be in that magazine.

Why? Because I'm wearing a new hat.

Welcome back to "get out of bed, boston!"

We're here at the beautiful tipton hotel

With local hero-- maddie fitzpatrick.

[breathing heavily]

Hiya.

So, maddie, you saved a life

And not just anyone's life,

The life of a world famous diplomat.

So tell us, who does your hair?

I do.

That's it! I'm sick of her stealing the lemon-light.

I believe that's limelight.

Oh, I have an idea.

Put this in your mouth,

Then spit it out when I pretend to save you.

No. I'm not feelin very kabobbie.

Come on. It's delicious. See?

Thanks, but I really can't afford the extra calories.

As it is, I barely fit in my puffy pants.

Oh, dear! Aah!

Oh, there is a rich woman choking over here!

Oh, my gosh!

[patrick moaning]

Ok.

Gross, part dos.

You know,

This would not be happening

If I had a proper podium.

[groaning]

London, are you ok?

No. You weren't supposed to save me.

I was supposed to save patrick.

She's done it again, boston.

Maddie fitzpatrick has saved another life.

Coming up after the break,

"kabobs: Tasty tidbits or skewers of doom"?

Stop it. Stop it.

Ohh. Stop it.

Stop it. I'm ticklish there.

Don't forget to make my pockets extra big

To hold all my money.

Doll face, grab your steno pad.

[chuckles]

Whatever you say, boss.

Take a letter to yachts and stuff.

Dear nincompoops,

I am not pleased with the horn on my newest yacht.

It should make more of an "aooga" sound.

How do you spell "aooga"?

Change it to "beep."

Ow!

Mr. Martin, are you sure

Those girls are tailors?

No.

But who cares?

Mr. Martin, your realtor is here.

He wants to know if you still want to buy that villa.

Nah. I've decided to buy an island instead.

Ooh, that's australia.

Well, after the deal closes, it'll be zackstralia.

[girls laughing]

It's good to be the boss.

Ow.

Ooh!

Ooh, sir, the commodity markets are opening.

Do you want to buy more gold?

Nah. I already own it all.

Now let me just check how my other investments are doing.

Computer: You've got money.

Ka-ching! Girls, the money dance.

[music playing]

♪ money ♪

♪ oh, oh ♪

♪ zack's got the money ♪

♪ lots and lots of money ♪

♪ yes, he does! ♪

♪ money ♪

♪ he's the man ♪

♪ zack's got the money ♪

I'll be right there.

I'll be right there.

I'll be right there.

♪ money ♪

♪ ooh ♪

I'm here. What's going on?

I just made another trillion dollars.

I'm so rich, they had to make up a new number.

Should we celebrate?

Oh, we already did. That's why we called you.

Oh, yeah. Right.

Zack: Clean up this mess,

But save a little confetti for next time.

Money doesn't grow on trees.

Yes, it does, sir. Remember?

You had zack labs

Create a money tree.

Come on, girls.

Why don't we celebrate how I cleaned up on wall street

While cody here just cleans up?

[girls laughing]

See you tomorrow.

London, chuckling: Oh, my gosh.

How could this have happened?

I was supposed to be successful.

Computer: You've got misery.

But I'm the smart one.

I'm the smart one!

I'm the smart one.

I'm the smart one!

Oh, yeah? Then what's the capital of honduras?

Tegucigalpa.

Wow. He really is the smart one.

It's the middle of the night. What are you guys doing?

Well, cody woke me up from the greatest dream I've ever had.

I was a bigwig surrounded by gorgeous girls.

That was your dream? That was my nightmare.

Wait. Did your office have

Those stunning ebony leather chairs?

I don't know!

I was too busy looking at the stunning dancing girls.

Must have been nice.

I was too busy sweeping the office.

I can't believe my life is going to be cleaning up after zack.

No. That's my life.

Your life is going to be whatever you want to make it.

But the test said that I'd--

No. Forget the test.

Tests aren't important.

Ok. Remember that the next time I bring home an "f."

Come on, mom. Do you really expect me to believe you

Over the international life assessment and testing corporation?

Yes!

Who are those people, anyway?

I'm gonna track them down right now and give them a piece of my mind.

Although there's probably no one to yell at

At 4:00 in the morning.

Good night, guys.

[knock knock]

We must have the wrong place.

This place is deserted.

And why is there a shoe under the desk?

Excuse me.

No one's here.

We'd like to ask you a question.

Are you from the I.R.S.?

Because I swear my returns are in the mail.

We're not from the government.

Collection agency? Nope?

How may I help you?

You're the international life assessment and testing corporation?

Yessiree. I'm also a dating service,

On-line casino.

Plus, I sell fat-free doughnuts.

Mom: Well, I have a complaint.

Fine. There's a little fat in them.

Without it, they'd just crumble.

We're not here about your dang doughnuts!

We're here about your dang assessment test.

You can't pigeonhole my son.

You can't tell him who he is.

Who is he? Cody martin.

Don't know him.

My son is going to grow up to be whatever he wants to be,

Not what you tell him to be.

'kay.

'kay? You throw my son's life into turmoil,

And all you can say is 'kay?

Ok?

You see, cody?

Never let anyone tell you what you can and cannot be,

Especially this schlub.

Although this schlub does make good doughnuts.

Right there!

You were right, mom.

This test means nothing. I can be whatever I want to be.

That's right. Good for you. Now, let's go.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute!

Does this mean I'm not going to be a c.E.O.?

Probably not.

Well, this stinks.

I can't believe I did all that math and reading for nothing.

It wasn't for nothing. You proved that if you work hard,

You can be successful.

That's right.

So you're gonna be expecting this from now on?

Pretty much.

That's right.

[sarcastically] oh, well, that's a lot.

The next time you take a test on Saturday, count me out.

Madeline? You look incredible...

Thank you.

And out of uniform.

But I just want to look good for my fans.

I have autographed pictures.

Ooh, here comes one now.

Maybe she was shy.

Or maybe some other news has taken the spotlight.

A dachshund dragged a kitten out of a burning building?

What?

Yes. His wiener shape

Allowed him to scoot under the smoke. It's really wonderful.

London, did you read about this?

Oh, yeah. I saw the kitten on a talk show.

All she did was meow about herself.

But what about important things?

What about serious news, news like--

News like me?

Maddie, remember how you were in all the newspapers yesterday?

Uh-huh.

Well, that makes you yesterday's news.

So I guess my 15 minutes of fame are over.

Take it from one worldlier than you.

Fame is like a lighthouse.

Sometimes the spotlight's on you,

And sometimes it goes around

And hits someone else. Ugh!

And now some dachshund's basking in it.

Madeline, the important thing is

You did a good deed.

That is true.

I did save two lives.

Mm! But the dachshund saved a cat. That's 9 lives.

So he's got you beat by 7.

Moseby: You know,

One of the lives she saved was yours.

Oh, yeah.

Yay you!

London, you've never yayed anyone but yourself.

You're right. Yay me!

Patrick? Hmm?

The moroccan theme is over. Why are you still wearing this?

Frankly, I find these puffy pants to be

Delightfully roomy.

Ahh.

I think I'm going to wear them to work every day,

Stand in the middle of the restaurant,

Where everyone can see them a-blowing in the breeze.

[softly] oh. No, no, no. Stop.

[chuckles nervously]

Patrick? Hmm?

Right. What if I get you a new podium? And a raise.

Not gonna happen.

I'm prepared to quit.

I'm prepared to replace you. A podium it is.

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