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[knocking on door]

I'll get it.

Thank you.

You had your socks dry cleaned?

And pressed.

Ah, still warm.

Guys, I'm not liking what I'm seeing here.

Me neither.

This crease is crooked!

No!

I am not convinced

That being in this tv show and moving to hollywood

Is the best thing for you.

Where's the bad?

We're gonna be my 2 favorite things--

Rich and famous.

Yeah, but if you wind up on a television show in hollywood,

You won't see any of your friends back home.

Ah, we'll make plenty of new friends here.

Hey, we've already started.

The prop man gave us his picture and resume.

[knocking on door]

Oh, that must be the limo.

I love being a star.

Ha! They call this a deluxe hotel!

I asked for a 7:00 a.M. Wake-up call--

You know what time they called me?

7:03!

Oh-- shoddy!

Shoddy, I tell ya!

Oh, now maybe on the west coast

7:00 means 7:03,

But on the east coast,

7:00 means 7:00 on the nose!

Mr. Moseby,

I'm kind of in the middle of an important talk

With my boys.

[gasps] I'm sorry.

Boys, whatever this woman is saying,

I want you to listen up!

She knows what she's talking about.

She wants us to dump the tv show and move back to boston.

Oh, have you lost your mind, woman?!

No, I haven't, man! Aah!

Sorry.

Look, this would be

A wonderful opportunity for me...

Them.

He's right, mom.

I can put all my money right into my college fund.

And I can spend my money on girls.

Which includes my best girl.

Who wants a tennis bracelet?

So you guys really want to do this?

Even if it means moving

And starting all over in a new place?

You bet. Please? Please?

Pretty please?

Ok.

All right! Yeah!

[crying]

Mr. Moseby, you're crying.

[squeaks]

You are going to miss us, aren't you?

Yeah.

♪ here I am in your life ♪

♪ here you are in mine ♪

♪ yes, we have a suite life ♪

Osof the time ♪

♪ you and me, we got the world to see ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ just me and you know what to do ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ it's you and me ♪

♪ and me and you ♪

♪ we got the whole place ♪

♪ to ourselves ♪

♪ you and me, we got it all for free ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ this is the suite life ♪

♪ we've got a suite life ♪

Ok. Ok, guys.

Let's rehearse this scene, all right?

Now, remember,

You're hotel kids,

And you really wanna keep the pet that's in that box.

But...The box is empty.

You're actors.

Act like it's full.

[grunting]

It's a hamster, not a hippo!

Give me that!

And...Action!

Look, mr. Moseby, we have a new pet!

He has one eye and 3 legs.

We call him "lucky."

I'm sorry. But you two

Are the only animals I allow in the hotel.

Mom!

Mr. M., you should, like, chill.

Good grief.

One day I'm gonna get you to totally

Release your chakras.

Good luck with that.

Um, c-can we stop for a second?

Our mom doesn't talk like that.

Thank you.

I love the way you talk.

Hmm, seems like zack is really bonding

With his new mommy.

Excuse me?

Can we pick it up...

From there?

And action!

Mr. M., you're, like, totally uncool!

Thanks for being on our side, mommy.

I love you.

And cut!

Wa-wa-- wait a minute!

Wa--nobody says cut but me!

Sorry, just looks

Like the time for a cut.

Hey...

All right, you're new here,

So you probably don't know this.

We all have a job to do.

My job is to say cut.

Your job is not to do my job.

So can you do that?

Can you not do my job?

No. I mean, yes.

I mean, I--whatever the correct answer is.

I'm so sorry. Uh-huh.

She says cut.

Take 5, everybody.

Dinner was so much fun last night.

You wanna hang out again?

After rehearsal?

No.

I thought we were friends.

I was just acting.

I'm good, aren't I?

Yeah.

Oh, I was just...Kidding.

I really do like you.

Really?

No! I was acting again.

Excuse me? Actress boy?

I have a few pointers for you.

No. No more pointers.

I've had it up to my pupik with your pointers.

"clap like this! Wave like this!

Jump like this!" so now,

You can just talk to this.

Actually, I do it more like this.

See, you have to...Turn.

'scuse me? 'scuse me, sir.

Uh, look, look.

See? You're hitting "luck."

You have to hit "that."

I'm about to hit you.

Yo, man,

You best be stepping off, all right,

Because you got no business

Telling an actor how to act,

Because you ain't no actor.

Oh, yeah?

Well--yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!

You best be getting out my face,

'cause you ain't got no business telling me

How to be me. What?!

But I made us friendship bracelets!

See?

That is not how I scurry away from people.

I make little hoppy steps.

Look at 'em-- hoppy, steppy thingy.

See?

Listen, folks, you've been a really big help.

Both: Oh, thanks.

So we want you to watch the rest of the rehearsal

From a...Special place.

Oh! [giggling]

[gasps]

Hi!

[giggles]

He's big.

Aah!

Aah!

Can't believe we got kicked out.

Of my own hotel!

I'm calling daddy.

Not your hotel.

Hello? It's a set!

Make believe.

Make believe what?

That you have a brain.

Now, now, let's not squabble.

Let's go sightseeing! Ha ha!

We're near the museum of hotel history.

[both groan]

They have a doorknob sign

From biblical times.

"thou shall not disturb."

Mr. Moseby? Mm-hmm?

As exciting as that sounds,

We're on a movie lot!

Let's go celebrity hunting!

Oh! Found one! Me!

Oh, my. Oh, my--

Oh, it's ok, maddie.

Look, I'm just a regular person.

I put my diamond earrings on one lobe at a time.

Not you!

Johnny vaine!

[squeals]

Then we can go to the la brea tar pits

And picnic under the shadow of the wooly mammoth.

Ooh! Let's go!

Terrific!

Whoa. Where do you ladies think you're going?

Wherever johnny goes.

I'm sorry, but only cast and crew are allowed inside.

No, wait!

We have a really important reason

For getting in there.

What's that?

We really want to.

Oh, well, in that case...

No!

Look, we have got to get in there.

We can sneak in if we're in costume.

[gasps] great idea!

I'll be a princess,

And you'll be my ugly step-sister.

Or...

Well...

Howdy there, partner.

Let's move along, little doggies.

Go!

Please excuse my ugly step-sister.

Sorry, only cast and crew allowed.

No, but we are cast.

Someone took our costumes.

We're the saloon girls.

And I'm the sheriff.

Watch me run you out of town!

[both scream]

Wow!

This is incredible!

I know!

Somehow, we traveled back through time to the old west!

[gasps and squeaks]

Ooh, there he is!

[gasps] there's johnny vaine!

[squeaks] he's so...

He's so... I know.

Hey!

Those girls are wearing the same outfits as we are.

How embarrassing!

Yeah. Why do they have 2 sets of people

Wearing the same costume?

[new york accent] ah, you two must be our stunt doubles.

Both: Huh?

Now which one of you two specializes in

Falling off of tall buildings?

Great, then you can both do the fall.

What?

Sheriff jenkins is mine.

[scoffs]

He's mine and has been ever since he changed

My wagon wheel at fort hickhowie.

You keep your filthy hands off of him.

[gasps] [both grunting]

And...Cut!

Oh! That was really good acting.

Thank you.

You're such a sweetie!

All right, bring in the stunt doubles!

[giggling]

Ok, girls--

You just found out

You're both dating sheriff jenkins.

Now when I say action,

I want you two to come flying out

Onto the balcony, scratching and clawring.

Then you crack through the railing,

And--phbtth!-- You fall to the ground.

I have a question about the "phbtth" part.

Won't that hurt?

Not if you fall on this pad.

But it's way down there.

And it's filthy.

Oh, that? No, that's just a little dried blood.

Don't let that scare you. I think the person lived.

Ok, everybody--

Places!

You know, maddie,

I've met celebrities before.

I think I'll pass. Have a nice fall!

I'm with you, sister.

Nothing on earth can make me take that fall.

Hey, eddie,

Don't you think it'd be better if I...

Kiss both of the ladies after the fight?

That's good. That's--

Last one over the rail's a rotten egg!

[both scream]

[both groan]

Girls, that was great!

That was beautiful!

Next time, wait until I say action.

Ok? All right!

Let's do it again!

[both groan]

Ladies and gentleman,

Welcome to the very first taping

Of a brand-new series,

How suite it is.

That's s-u-I-t-e.

Get it? Uh...

All right, see if you get this one.

If you don't laugh you don't get any pizza!

[all laughing and clapping]

Great.

Hey, guys.

Break a leg!

That means "good luck" in show biz speak.

Whoa, whoa, mom,

You can't kiss us!

We're wearing make-up.

Not exactly the phrase a mother wants to hear

From her teenage boys.

Hey,

There's my two favorite kids.

Lou, kiss their heads.

Oh, ho!

Mwah!

Mwah!

Hey, guys, you nervous?

Nope! Piece of cake.

Good. Don't even think about

That 20 million people are gonna

Watch us at home.

Just do it for the 500

That are out here now.

5--5--500?

That's 1,000 eyes.

Yes. Congratulations--

You're good at math.

Now, be good at acting.

Places, everybody, places, places!

And...Pull the floaters.

[screeching violins playing]

So you guys ready?

[quivering] uhh...

I'll take that as a "yes."

All right. Here we go.

Background.

And...

And...Action!

Look, mr. Moseby, we have a new pet.

[quivering] h-h-he has one...

One eye and...

Uh...

Oh, cut!

What are you doing?

I forgot my line!

Well, how could you do that?

It's so simple.

I had a mental lapse,

Like...Every time you take a math test.

If you're done...

Ok, good. Ready?

And...And action!

Look, mr. Moseby, we have a new pet.

He has one eye

And 3 legs.

We call him "lucky."

Hey, that's my line!

Oh, now you remember!

Oh, and--and...

Well, no--cut! Cut!

Cut, cut, cut.

He stole my line.

Well, maybe he wouldn't steal it

If you remembered to say it.

Well, I was going to say it.

I was just...Taking a dramatic pause.

Oh...Oh, yeah, that's good.

That's really good. A dramatic pause.

Only this isn't a drama,

It's a comedy. [laughs]

All right, let's try this again.

And...Action!

Look, mr. Moseby, we have a new pet.

He has one eye and 3 legs.

[speaking rapidly] we call him "lucky!"

[laughter]

See? I didn't screw up that time.

Oh, cut!

You see, you want me to do both

'cause I--I could do both parts easy.

I mean, it's not even that hard.

Girls, now, in this part,

You come flying through the saloon doors

Holding onto each other's hair

And you land in the horse trough.

And the inside of the trough is made of some

Special, soft, cushiony...

Wood.

I think it's pine.

What they make coffins out of.

Why are we doing this again?

And then johnny vaine moseys over, picks you up,

And kisses you both.

Oh, yeah.

That's why.

[squeals]

[screams]

Let's fight, sister.

All right, girls--places!

And...Action!

Good, good, good.

You're pushing, you're shoving, you're fighting,

You're clawring.

Excuse me-- what's "clawring?"

You know, when you claw.

[hisses]

Claw. All right, keep it rolling.

Come on, come on! Claw, claw, claw.

Take the fight over to the hitching post.

Now, you got-- all right, I want you to fight

Over the hitching post and then--

Yes, phbtth is good. Phbtth--all right.

All right, now, girls, get up

And--and--and chase her.

Blondie-- chase her around! Chase her!

Run over to the water trough!

Chase her! Come on, come on!

Run around! Jump! Chase her!

All right, chase her.

All right--now jump into the water!

Both: The what?

Yeah--phbtth-- in the water.

[both scream]

That was pretty good.

Oh, oh!

All right, now-- I want youse two

To get out of the water,

And then flop into the mud.

[sputtering and groaning]

Out, out, out, out, flop, flop, flop!

Good flop!

Ok, good flop.

Now roll over on your back.

[groaning]

Oh, good, good, good, good.

Now, in comes johnny vaine.

Oh, come on now, little girls.

Why, there's enough of me for both of you.

Come on.

That's it--closer. Closer.

Closer, closer, closer--

And cut!

All right, bring in the real actresses.

Both: What?

Out with the stunt doubles.

All right, stand up, girls.

That was great. You don't have to run around

Like those other palookas here. That was good.

I told you.

Those are the imposters.

Maddie: Let's go!

London, let's go!

I'm right behind you! Ok.

Now I'm right in front of you.

Give me the reins!

No, let me have 'em!

[horse whinnies]

[both scream]

Wow...

I so wish I got that on film.

[horse whinnies] [girls scream]

Oh, well! Take 5, everybody.

All right, all right, let's do this once more.

For the lucky 13th time.

Guys, it's ok. It's ok.

This kind of things happens all the time.

Right?

No!

Es. Places.

Ok, now, we'll start from...

Your line.

I don't hate you yet.

All right, stand by.

And...

And...

And action!

Mr. M., you should just, like, chill.

One day I'm gonna totally get you to release your chakras.

Ha. Good luck with that.

Mr. Moseby, no need to worry.

I'll clean up after lucky.

And I'll clean up after zack.

Quit pushing me, you little brat!

I didn't push you! Cody pushed me.

Like this.

Oh, well, I pushed you because you were in my way.

Like you always are.

I'd yell "cut," but what's the point?

Oh, my lack of talent?

This pillow is funnier than you.

[laughter]

See?

You know what's hilarious?

That.

[laughter]

Oh, well, this ought to make you chuckle.

Sorry I'm late. What did I miss?

Uhh!

Shouldn't somebody yell "cut"?

Be my guest.

I'll get them to cut.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey, stop it!

Cody: You're such a jerk!

Yeah, well, you should know.

When the jerks of the world get together,

You're their king.

That's enough.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Where you going?

I'm giving my boys a time out.

There's no time outs in show business.

Oh, there is if you want a show.

I vote we give her a time out.

[coughs]

Ok, uh, looks like we're on a little break here

While we take care of some technical stuff.

♪ if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪

All righty, then.

Uh...

Do we have any talented people in the audience?

Oh, ok.

You two girls, come on down.

And you even brought your guitar.

Oh, so you're twins.

So hello.

Both: Hey.

So you guys are from England?

Both: Australia.

Do you hate it when people think you're english?

Both: Yes.

Do you always answer everything together?

Both: No.

That's confusing.

But sing anyway.

♪ all my life you've had an opinion ♪

♪ doing things for the wrong reasons ♪

♪ well, not today ♪

♪ don't you know I think for myself ♪

♪ I get on fine without anybody's help ♪

♪ hey, why don't you say it? ♪

♪ I'm breaking your heart ♪

♪ I'm breaking apart ♪

♪ all you do is ♪ ♪ hold me... ♪

All right, look.

I wasn't wild about you two becoming actors,

But you insisted,

So now I insist you behave like professionals.

Well, I can act like a professional,

But I don't think cody can.

Can so! Cannot!

Hey!

Stop the sniping or I stop your careers.

Well, I could stop the sniping.

Can you stop?

I'm sniped out.

That's my boys.

Now, I know you can do it,

So get out there and have fun, ok?

And...Clean the feathers, 'cause you're molting.

♪ do ♪

♪ if I left today... ♪

Bud, lou, we're sorry for our behavior.

Yeah, we're ready to get back out there

And do a great job for you.

Kid, I can't tell you how much we appreciate that.

There's just one little thing now.

How do I put this gently?

You're fired. Yeah.

What?

You can't do that!

We're you going to find twins to be in your show?

♪ to say ♪

♪ if I said to you just go ahead and cry ♪

[applause]

The networks loves these girls.

They're cute, they're twins,

And they can sing, and they're from England.

Both: Australia.

Yeah, whatever.

Lou, kiss their heads.

Oh. Mwah! Oh. Mwah!

Cody: I can't believe they fired us.

I can't believe we had a chance to be stars

And we blew it.

Look, so this one thing didn't work out.

There's still a world of possibilities out there.

Well, there is for me.

I thought you were out of snipes.

The important thing isleft we'll always have each other.

And we have a wonderful home back in boston.

No! No!

Oh, cruel fate!

Aah!

There. There.

Don't worry, mr. Moseby.

We promise to behave.

Thank you.

You don't mean that, do you?

Nah. I just don't wanna hear moseby crying

All the way back to boston.

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