Original subtitles

Man, this blizzard is crazy.

The snow is up to my--

Ugly skirt, ugly jacket, ugly hat?

Ugh! I need a vacation.

Well, aren't you going on one of your family trips?

Yes. We're going to minnesota--ice-fishing.

Why do you have to go fish for ice?

Just get it out of a machine.

There's one on every floor.

[elevator dings]

Mom, it's just a little snow.

I don't need a scarf.

I'll take it. Layers keep you warm.

I'm also wearing 6 pairs of thermal underwear.

Ok, come on. You're late for school.

I'm coming as fast as I can.

I've got a 6-fold wedgie.

Guys, come on. I had a late show.

I really just want to go back to bed.

Man on radio: Wzpz weather on the fives.

As boston experiences its worst blizzard in years,

All schools are closed.

Yes!

No!

Race you upstairs!

Huh. That got rid of the wedgie.

♪ here I am in your life ♪

♪ here you are in mine ♪

♪ guess we have a suite life ♪

♪ most of the time ♪

♪ you and me, we got the world to see ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ just me and you know what to do ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ it's you and me and me and you ♪

♪ we got the whole place to ourselves ♪

♪ you and me, we got it all for free ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ this is the suite life ♪

♪ we've got a suite life ♪

Ouch. The dreaded shampoo-conditioner split.

I'm bored.

That's because you're losing...

And you're boring.

Now, go get the bowling tissue.

Man: I can't do this anymore.

I'm sick of it, I tell you. Sick!

Second man: Come on. One more hit,

And we're out of this dirty business.

Zach, come here. Listen.

First man: We wouldn't be in this mess

If you hadn't killed marla.

Second man: Don't pin that on me.

We both had a hand in that.

Anyway, the decision came from upstairs.

We were just hired guns.

Did you hear that?

Yeah! They argue like we do.

Yeah, that's my point.

They're hit men.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.

We got to tell somebody.

Tell somebody what?

Nothing. We got nothing to tell anybody.

Yeah. Why would we tell somebody nothing?

What's the problem?

[crack]

Problem? We don't have a problem. Right, zack?

Uhh...Bye!

Come on, lou. Let's get back to work.

Face it, bud. Our careers have been over

Since the day they canceled "marla."

We'll never come up with a new tv show.

Oh, come on. Sure we will. Hey!

I got it! "cows in space!"

It'll be "udderly" hysterical.

It was jokes like that that killed our careers.

We might as well burn all our stupid ideas

And go work for my uncle in the lamp factory.

Yeah. Well, that'll be a shade better.

Sorry. I just... I can't turn it off.

I can't help myself.

Mr. Moseby, you have to do something quick!

There are a couple of hit men in 2121!

Ooh. Are they next-door to the werewolves

You found last weekend?

Ok, you have to admit,

That guy was freakishly hairy.

No. No. This time, it's the real thing.

We heard their whole conversation

While our ears were accidentally pressed against their door.

Ah!

Guys, we found some hit men in the hotel!

Is this anything like the time

You found an alien spaceman on the roof?

Hey, no one told us

Moseby hired a bee exterminator.

I'm telling you, these guys are killers!

They already offed someone named marla!

That's them!

Don't look!

They're probably carrying a body in that duffel bag.

Oh, please. Let's not jump to any conclusions.

Man: Excuse me, miss.

Is there somewhere in this hotel we can dispose of this?

Preferably a furnace

Where we can burn it.

Maddie, why don't you draw them

A detailed map to the furnace

So they can zip down there and check it out?

The bag.

Right. Right. Here. Let me show you guys.

Ok. Um...It's, uh...

Down 2 floors at the end of the hall.

[zipper opening]

Uh...Sorry. Barn door was open.

What are you doing with our bag?

Excuse me, sir.

Didn't I tell you not to disturb the guests?

Mr. Moseby, you don't understand.

Oh, I understand completely. You're trying to ruin my career.

That's not true. We're not trying.

Ooh! Ooh!

Oh!

If it happens, it happens.

I am sorry, madam.

Oh, there you are.

How about a free dessert?

Run!

Boys, what is going on in here?

There's a dead body in that bag.

Those are your kids?

No. Are you cops?

Then yes.

The next time you go on vacation,

You might think about leaving them at home.

Oh, no. We're not on vacation. We live here.

Out of my way!

At least we used to.

Zack's telling the truth.

They're hit men!

We're hit men? No, we're tv writers.

We haven't had a hit in years.

Ooh! Our mistake.

Look at all this. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

We complain and get one of those free desserts?

No.

This hotel, the wacky twins,

The fussy manager, the cute girls.

This would make a great tv show.

Yeah. I'd watch it.

Yeah? You're gonna write it.

Oh! Even better!

Uh-huh.

Have fun on your vacation, madeleine.

Fun?

It's 20 degrees colder in minnesota than it is here.

Penguins go there and say, "wow. It's cold. Let's leave."

They have talking penguins there,

And you still don't want to go?

Bye, maddie.

Bye.

Bye, maddie.

Bye.

Bye, maddie.

Bye, maddie.

Zach, remember how we talked about people's personal space?

Yeah.

And I like maddie's space the best.

There they are!

Great news!

We've sold zack and cody!

Marvelous! I'll get some bubble wrap,

And we'll ship them off immediately!

No, we sold a sitcom about twin boys

Living in a hotel, and you're all in it.

Oh! We're going to be stars!

Hooray! Hooray!

No, you're not.

We'll hire actors to play you.

Oh... Oh... Oh...

But you're all invited to hollywood

To be consultants on the show!

Hooray! Hooray!

But you'll have to pay your own way there.

Oh... Oh...

We could all go in my private jet.

Hooray! Hooray!

But we're all out of salted nuts.

Oh... Oh... Oh...

I've had enough of this silliness.

I'm out of here.

Hooray! Hooray!

I heard that.

I've been in l.A. For 2 minutes,

And all I've done is sweat.

Maddie, cheer up. At least you're not ice-fishing.

How does a private jet lose someone's luggage?

Well, your suitcase did look like garbage.

My baggage handlers probably threw it out.

Yeah, but everybody else got to change on the plane,

And I've got nothing to wear.

Sweetie, I've seen your wardrobe.

Trust me, they did you a favor.

[horn honking]

[excited conversation]

If I were any cooler,

I'd be frozen. Ha ha ha!

All right, everybody, into the car.

Yeah. Let's go drive around hollywood

And see if we can spot some celebrities.

Ooh! Maybe we'll see johnny vain.

Oh, I love him.

Next to george clooney, he's my favorite.

A mother can dream.

And then, after we meet,

Johnny will fall in love with me

And offer to buy me some summer clothes.

Yeah, that's going to happen.

All right, everybody in .

Get your seatbelts.

Ok. Seatbelts on.♪

, ye ♪

♪ lo♪ to the top,, ain't gonna stop ♪

♪ everything's ok ♪

♪ another perfect day ♪

♪ hollywood, we're here to stay ♪

♪ girls are screaming, hearts are beating ♪

♪ what a feeling, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ another perfect day ♪

♪ lk out, world, we're on our way ♪

Those girls are playing volleyball in their bikinis.

Wow! Look at that incredible array of waterfowl!

[knocking]

Come in.

Hello, everyone. Do not worry.

I have alerted the manager

To the problems with our rooms.

"what problem?" what problem?

Oh. Ok. Well, my complimentary shower cap

Has a hole in it!

I'm surprised they haven't shut the place down.

[telephone ringing]

!

I bet their office is incredible.

Yeah. I can't wait.

They probably have hot secretaries.

And genuine burlwood credenzas!

♪ another perfect day ♪

♪ hollywood, we're here to stay ♪

♪ the sun is shining, music's playing ♪

♪ what a feeling, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ just another perfect, another perfect, another perfect day ♪

[knock on door]

Oh, look who it is!

My 2 favorite kids in the whole wide world...

And some other people.

Oh, lou, kiss their heads, hmm?

[mwah mwah]

Uh...I don't mean to interrupt,

But I need to make some copies.

Oh, sure, go ahead. It's right over there.

Thank you.

Wait. Your office is the copy room?

So much for your burlwood credenzas.

Pay no attention to the copying machine.

You don't even notice it.

[copying machine running loudly]

[loudly] so, I want to ask you guys

About your lives in the hotel.

So you can create three-dimensional characters

That ring true to the viewing audience?

Right on the snot locker.

Lou, kiss him on the head.

[mwah]

Love this kid.

Excuse me.

I'm done.

Good for you. You're gonna go far.

Thanks, dad.

Anywho, everybody take a seat.

You guys back in the back.

The ladies get the front row.

Oh! That hurts. Ow! Ooh!

So, zack, cody, tell us some of the wild things

You've done at the hotel.

Oh. Well...

I...Can't think of a thing.

I'm drawing a blank.

You know, maybe we should do

These interviews privately,

The twins first.

Everybody else, will you excuse us?

Yeah. Sure.

Uh! Uh! Uh!

[laughter]

So...So wait.

So the fire department found the monkey in the vent?

No, no, no. No, no, no.

The police department found the python in the vent.

Well, then who found the monkey?

Nobody. It's still somewhere in the hotel.

[laughter]

Classic. Oh...

Oh, I'm tearing.

Oh...

Tell us about yourself.

Well, with me, what you see is what you get--

A poor, hardworking,

"pull herself up by her bootstraps" kind of girl.

You're wearing an arturo vitali hat.

Oh. Ha ha. No. That's just because

The private jet lost my luggage.

Well, I'm a singer at the hotel,

But first and foremost, I'm a mom.

I cook...

And I clean...

And I drive carpool...

And you're just pretending to write all this down, aren't you?

Uh-huh.

Actually, I'm drawing you in a coconut bikini.

Uh-huh.

I'm rich.

I know. I've got 5 pads of that.

Yay me!

Ok mr. Moseby...

What's the funniest thing

That ever happened at the hotel?

The funniest thing...

Oh, ok.

One time, we ran out of pillow mints.

[stifling laughter]

So instead, we had to use...

Wait for it.

Nougat! Ha!

Nougat!

[laughter]

Wait, wait, wait.

Isn't that against the law?

Yeah, but if you're under 18,

They let you off with a warning.

Especially if you make a "I can't find my mommy" face.

[laughter]

Oh, we're going to be such a smash!

All: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Aye-yi-yi-yi-yi.

Whoa! This place is huge!

Look how high the ceiling is!

And there's a walkway up there!

No. Do you think we--

Well, what if we could--

No. How about--

Don't even think about it.

There they are. Lou, kiss their heads.

Aw...

[mwah mwah]

Good call on the hats.

Come on, guys. I got something to show you.

Uh!

Oh, wow!

There's your counter.

Well, I can't believe they stole our lobby.

But the joke's on them. They forgot the ceiling.

London, honey, they didn't steal the lobby.

They built one just like it.

Really? Then I'm going to check out the rooftop pool!

London, that elevator is not--

Mom, let it go. Let it go.

She'll catch on eventually.

I hope.

What's wrong with this thing?

Honey, that elevator is never showing up.

It's broken?

Yeah. That's it.

Ok...

Now...

For the fun part--and lou is tingling over this...

I am!

I want you to meet the actors

We've hired to play you.

Oh! Where?

Hey.

Oh, my goodness!

I love your hair!

I love your hair!

Oh, I am just so excited to be playing

Just a smart, attractive, focused person.

Thank you for being you.

Be my best friend!

Ok!

Aah! Aah!

Totally. And I'm mondo excited!

Um, if you don't mind my asking,

How old are you?

22. But don't freak. I've played old before.

That's nice.

Uh...It's a pleasure to meet you.

Yo, b, what's up, man? Peep this crib. It's tight, huh?

Well, this man

Cannot possibly play me!

It's an abomination!

This man cannot possibly play me.

It's an abomination.

You'll do.

Ooh, writer man, who's going to play me?

London... Meet madrid.

Why is my actress a boy?

Well, you see, the network wanted

A little romance between the owner's kid

And the candy-counter girl.

But I would never date maddie.

She's not my type. She's poor.

Yeah, and who did her hair--an eggbeater?

Oh! You are me! Yay us!

Almost. You'll get it.

And now here's the best part. Boys!

Ha ha! Hey, hey, hey.

So...Aren't you the cutest little thing?

Looks like somebody left me in the dryer too long.

For the record, I've done 200 commercials,

I own a beach house, and I've kissed lindsay lohan.

I approve. Ha ha.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, I'm only doing this

Because my movie deal fell through,

And I plan to lose the goofy vest in season 2.

Huh. I hate me.

Man: Hey, bud.

Hey, look who it is! It's our director!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The network executives are here.

Oh. Hey, everybody, act calm!

Don't look them in the eye.

Yeah, yeah. Whatever, whatever.

Ok. Ok, everybody. Let's do some comedy.

Comedy coming right away.

Places. Places.

[excited conversation]

Here we go. Hey.

[excited conversation]

London: This is so much fun.

I hope their outfits are cute.

And you guys!

Quiet!

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

All right.

And...Action.

[elevator dings]

Jeepers. The circus is leaving,

And we still haven't found mr. Chips.

Ha ha ha!

You had to teach him how to use a screwdriver.

Ha ha ha! Ho! Ha ha ha!

Hey, sweet thing.

It's supposed to be "sweet thang."

I'll take a licorice whip and your phone number.

Ok. It's 123-4567.

Wait. What comes after the 3?

Ok, ok, cut.

Cut, cut, cut.

Bud: What cut? What are you cutting?

What?

All right, look. The network hates the boys.

And they think they're too young.

Well, you tell the network

We stand behind our actors 100%.

They said either get older boys,

Or they'll shut down the show.

Boys, you're fired.

Fine. You'll be hearing from our lawyers.

Hey...You want to ride the luggage cart?

You bet. Moseby can't stop us here.

Where are we going to find older twins

Who are cute, charming, and funny?

Coming through.

Guys!

Lou, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

That I overpaid for my hair transplants?

Look out! Oh!

Oh! How about these twins?

Lou, you're a genius!

Oh, it didn't break.

Plastic! Ha ha ha!Y in holly

Boys, listen...

And coming out here

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

My prayers have lofted through the clouds

And fallen on merciful ears.

Hey, I think we got our new twins.

Dibs on zack.

Oh, you're always zack.

So, we got a deal?

No. Wait a minute.

This is a big decision. We need to think about it.

I'm done thinking. Me, too.

Deal! I love these guys! Cody, kiss their heads.

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