Original subtitles

Hey, guys!

So how'd the summer job hunt go?

I tell you. It's tough to secure employment

In an economic climate where interest rates

Are climbing and large cap stocks

Are fluctuating wildly.

Plus we got turned down by taco schmaco.

Well, senor schmaco doesall we want to does ee is earn a few bucks

So we can get into this new teen club,

But whenever we ask mom for some money,

She just gives us coupons.

And it's hard to bribe your way past a bouncer

With 12 cents off toaster strudel.

The only way we're going to get into a club

Is if we open one ourselves.

That's not a bad idea.

The lounge is empty on Monday nights.

That's it!

We open our own club,

Fill it with kids,

Make a fortune,

Put that into a record label,

Make a bigger fortune,

Then retire to a south pacific island

And fan ourselves with money.

Great! And in the meantime,

You owe me a buck for the candy bar.

Cody, give her a buck.

Do you take coupons?

♪ here I am in your life ♪

♪ here you are in mine ♪

♪ yes, we have a suite life ♪

♪ most of the time ♪

♪ you and me, we got the world to see ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ just me and you know what to do ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ it's you and me and me and you ♪

♪ we got the whole place to ourselves ♪

♪ you and me, we got it all for free ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ this is the suite life ♪

♪ we've got the suite life ♪

Captioning made possible by abc cable networks group

Maddie, if I have some real exciting news to tell you

About me, do I have to ask about you first?

Well, you do if you want to be polite.

Go on.

Daddy is giving me my own line of cosmetics,

And he's letting me name it

Just like my cat cat.

Here's my list of possible names:

Number one, good smell;

Number two--

Eh, who am I kidding?

Number one is gold!

Boy, you're simple.

How about calling your cosmetics

Ooh! I like that!

I'm gonna tell daddy.

Simply...

What was the last part again?

Mr. Moseby, may I direct your attention

To the following presentation?

This is what your lounge currently looks like on Monday nights,

And this is what it could look like if we open club twin.

Why would I want my lounge filled with 100 kids?

I don't even like having two of them in my office.

Listen, pal.

You know what this is?

It's opportunity knocking,

But you're too chicken to come to the door.

Ohh!

Buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck--

Zack, what did I say about you being quiet?

I don't know. I wasn't listening.

Just let me do this.

This is business, and I know business!

No. This is fun, and I know fun!

Boys, I'd love to watch you argue in hushed tones,

But I do have a hotel to run, hmm?

That is why you'll love this next graph.

Oh.

Figuring a peak allowance

Of $20 per kid

And your current lack

Of revenue on Monday nights,

Our plan will bring a 33% increase to your bottom line.

That's an attractive bottom.

And all it will cost you is some startup fees.

I figure 12 gs.

Mm. Here's one "g." go!

How about 60 bucks for snacks and balloons?

Deal. Much more sensible,

And that is why cody will be in charge of the money.

Then what am I in charge of?

Blowing up the balloons.

[dance music playing]

Great juice, cody.

A lot of people don't like guava.

It's very high in fiber and vitamin-c, you know.

Yes, I do know.

I wrote a paper on it.

You know what I know?

This place is a morgue.

Not for long!

Max and agnes are here!

So when do you guys open?

Two hours ago!

Oh. That's not good.

Well, don't worry.

This place is about to take off.

So am I!

No, no, no, no.

Not before you have a dance!

Hoo ha, hoo ha!

Yeah!

Come on. You love to dance.

I sure do.

You think she's coming back?

I wouldn't.

Well, I better get all these tips to the bank.

You don't want to walk around alone with all that money.

I'll go with you for protection.

Was it really that bad?

The only reason I'm still here

Is you have the room key.

Well, don't worry.

I'm sure next week will go better.

Oh, it will for two reasons:

Number one, I'm gonna be in charge.

What's the second reason?

You won't be.

That cost 25 cents!

[pop]

50!

[pop]

75! Quit it!

Here it is! The first bottle of my new perfume.

Want to try it?

Sure. Wait.

Has it been tested on animals?

No, but it turns men into animals.

Watch.

That doesn't prove anything.

Men follow you around anyway!

True, but do they usually follow a chair?

Whoa! And that chair doesn't even have nice legs.

Give me that!

I hope you two will be happy together.

[dance music playing]

Zack: Sorry. You guys will have to wait.

The club is absolutely full.

Whoa. Look at the size of that line!

How did you get all these girls to show up?

Hey. We're looking for club twin.

It's girls get in free night, right?

Absolutely. Right this way.

Hello, hello. Whoa! Hello! Ha ha!

Zack, how are we going to make money

If you let the girls in for free?

It's simple nightclub math--

One hot girl equals 3 desperate guys.

Hi!

We're looking for club twin.

You're letting the babes in for free, right?

That's right, and now that you're here,

The party can start.

5 extra bucks, and I'll put you

Right in between her and her.

5 bucks, and I'll get you away from him.

Ka-ching!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[dance music playing]

One guava juice, please.

Oh, sorry. Zack turned off the juice.

How about a root beer?

Gee. I've never had soda before.

I'm not allowed to have sugar, caffeine,

Or bubbles.

Hey. I drink it all the time, and I'm ok,

Better than ok--great!

So great I haven't slept in 3 days.

Try it, try it, try it. Go.

Ok, ok, ok.

Go ahead. It's not habit-forming.

Mm. It is good.

Hit me again.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, hello, ladies.

Wow! Impressive.

Yeah. Well, we're under new management.

Heh heh--me!

Ooh. I'm seeing lots of vealcake.

Agnes likes.

All right, max. Dance with as many guys as possible

Because the more they sweat,

The more drinks they'll buy.

What's in it for me?

10 bucks and big old kiss from zack.

I'll take the cash, hold the lips.

Man, that's tasty stuff!

What a sugar rush. Whoo-hoo!

Yeah.

Ooh! Yeah!

All: ♪ go, barbara, go barbara ♪

♪ go, barbara, go barbara ♪

Zack, this is great.

The salty snacks are making the kids drink more,

And the sugary drinks are fueling their energy.

It goes against everything I believe in,

And I couldn't be happier!

♪ oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, baby! ♪

Correction. Now I couldn't be happier!

Well, me and my friends agree.

[knock on door]

Shh! Shh!

You'll wake the boys!

But it's almost noon!

I wanted them to sleep.

They were working late last night,

My little club owners.

Yes. I understand why you don't want to wake them.

Perhaps you can pay these bills.

Boys, get your sleeping butts out here!

You do realize that I can't be held

Liable for these bills in any court of law, right?

Plus you were dopey enough to give them the gig.

Ok.

Boys, how do you plan to pay for these bills?

Well, I was thinking cash.

And I was thinking ok!

You sleep with a huge wad of cash in your pajamas?

Like a baby.

Well done, boys.

In fact, how would you like to take over the lounge

On Tuesday nights?

I sing in the lounge on Tuesday nights.

Yes, yes.

Of course you do. It's wonder--wonder--wonderful.

We'll talk.

You will not! I have a contract!

So for next week, let's do a theme night.

Oh. You mean like I'll go ironty my orange vest.

No. I mean a theme that doesn't stink.

Start taking notes.

We'll do a sixties night--

Lava lamps, psychedelic posters,

Live music, and go-go girls.

Or, or, or...

What are you, a seal?

Maybe we should take our profits

And not push our luck.

Cody, why are you questioning me?

Who turned our club into a success?

You.

And who was right about spending money

To make money?

You.

And when we were 5, who convinced you

That if you ate your toenails

A foot would grow in your stomach?

And yet you still doubt me.

Look, man.

I'm king midas.

Everything I touch turns to gold.

You've really got to work on that low self-esteem thing.

Cody, if you think small,

You're always going to be small.

You got to think big.

I'm going to turn club twin

Into the biggest thing boston has ever seen

Because I am the man.

What does that make me?

You? You're the brother of the man.

Now, give the man back his money.

Maddie: London, that perfume you gave me

Is amazing.

Everywhere I went, boys couldn't stay away,

And I gave some to grandma.

Turns out, grandpa can walk faster than we thought.

I told you it was great.

The smell of london is the smell of love.

You know, I do have some other

Simply london cosmetics.

Are you interested?

Gee. I don't want to impose.

What you got?

Well, shampoo, body powder,

Body wash, body lotion,

Hand cream, face cream, foot cream,

Ear cream. Ear cream?

You want chapped ears?

No!

I'll take it all!

[rock music playing]

How tart is your ginger ale?

Pretty darn tart.

My doctor says I'm tart intolerant.

Why am I not surprised?

Then maybe I should go with grape.

Ok. Then grape it is. Ha ha!

But I'm wearing a white shirt.

Oh, please!

There's thirsty people back here.

Boy, for a hippie, you're not very mellow.

Give me that!

I'm watching you.

Wow! This lounge looks really...

Groovy? Expensive.

Well, whatever bread it's costing us

We'll make back triple.

Don't bring me down, bro.

You're turning my mood ring blue.

Ooh. Light my fire, zack.

Oh. I get it. You're speaking in sixties vernacular.

Right on!

[cell phone rings]

Club twin, inc. President zack speaking.

No. No, no, no.

When I do hawaiian night, I want real palm trees,

Real coconuts,

And a real pork volcano that shoots out barbeque sauce.

Then make one!

Wait. Next week is hawaiian night.

Oh, yeah! And then the week after that

Is a night in paris.

Can we hold off on next week

Until we get through this week.

Your go-go dancers haven't even shown up yet.

Don't worry. These babes are gonna be hot.

Wow! Far out, man.

Those babes wouldn't be hot

Even if they were on fire.

Wow! This place is out of sight!

Yeah. Now I can see. It's very nice.

Woman: Hey, boys. We're the caged women.

Arr! Arr!

Yeah. Well, who let you out?

No, no, no. We're the dancers.

Yeah, the go-go dancers.

Oh, ya.

No offense, lady, but it looks like your go-go went-went.

Mm. I love these cages.

If it really doesn't matter,

I'd like to dance in the cage nearest to the bathroom

In case I really have to go-go.

Zack, you told me you booked two dancers

Who looked like they were from the sixties,

Not two dancers in their 60s!

Well, they looked great in the pictures.

You didn't notice the brontosaurus in the background?

Well, I was a little busy planning future theme nights.

Oh, that's great since you did such a good job

Booking tonight's dancers.

Wow. Nice pattern on your stockings.

I'm not wearing stockings.

So where's this hot band?

[engine revs]

[horn honks]

Oh, don't be the young rebels.

Don't be the young rebels.

Don't be the young rebels.

We're the young rebels!

Whoo-hoo! Rebels!

Hey. Look at this, paul.

They dug up the caged women.

Did doreen get a hip replacement?

Looking good, doreen.

Let's hit the stage. Come on, guys.

Bob said I can't have any more soda.

Well, you did go a little overboard last week.

Listen, mister. I take ap math,

Ap geography, ap science.

I even take ap lunch!

Not to mention cello, piano,

And my bat mitzvah lessons.

So if once a week I want to cut loose

With a little soda,

Just give it to me without all the mishegas!

Ok. Um, bob, one root beer, hold the mishegas.

Man: All right, kids. Here's our big hit from 1968,

And I'm sure you'll all remember it.

I hope I remember it.

♪ give me, give me, give me right now ♪

♪ love lightning ♪

♪ I've got to have your love and how ♪

♪ love is like ♪ love tn a lightning bolt ♪

♪ love lightning ♪

♪ it gets me like a-- ♪

[coughs]

♪ love lightning ♪

Hey, hey, hey! Wait, guys!

Stay for the finale.

They smash their instruments.

It's so cool!

[microphone squeals]

Rock and roll! Oh, oh, oh!

[electricity crackling]

We tried this 40 years ago,o

And it didn't work then.

Agnes: Zack, your club is smoking.

Thank you. You see?

My club is smoking.

No, no. I mean, your club is really smoking.

Ohh!

Whoa! This like chicago in '68.

The man is hosing us down!

And a really small man, too!

Nice job, midas.

Everything you touched turned to old.

I want you to know,

People are gonna tell you that you really messed up,

That tonight was a disaster

And you made fools of yourselves.

I just wanted to say

I'm one of those people.

Cody: Well, after paying for the band,

The dancers, advertising,

And barbara's sugar intervention,

We're left with $400.

Well, hey. That's not bad!

Oh, no. That should cover about half the damages.

The rest you can work off scrubbing pots and pans

For minimum wage.

Peace.

Well, hey. We got summer jobs.

Heh heh...

All right. Say it.

Say what?

Say that I was too busy being a big shot

To listen to anyone else.

Go ahead. Tell me off.

Zack, I have to admit

Running a hot nightclub was a great experience.

Thanks.

You know, I don't think you're really grasping

The whole tell me off concept.

Sure. We had some ups and downs,

But it was a great ride,

Like a roller coaster, just without the nausea.

Although I did feel a little queasy watching doreen dance.

Ehh. Ehh.

So. You don't blame me?

Oh, I blame you, but I admire your chutzpa.

Barbara taught me that word.

So you don't think I'm a total loser?

Total? No.

In fact, one day, I think you'll hit a winner

And stay with it all the way to the top.

You know, I'm glad that you mentioned that

Because I heard about this great new franchise, right,

And I was thinking that we might dip into our savings.

You don't have any savings!

Well, I was thinking that we might dip into your savings.

You are not touching piggy.

It's a can't-miss opportunity.

All right. What is it?

Glow-in-the-dark pizza.

What makes it glow?

Don't ask.

Maddie, maddie!

Maddie?

Where are you?

I have more simply london cosmetics products for you!

Really? And what makes you think I want to use them?

Did my products do that to you?

No, no. I decided to go to clown college.

Well, then you look perfect.

Of course your products did this!

Oh, my.

Oh. What's that smell?

Most people are guessing dead ferret.

Apparently, your perfume changes the longer you wear it.

That's not good.

You think?

Did you test the stuff?

Yes. On you.

I should take a picture of this

For the boys in daddy's lab.

They'll probably want to know about it.

No, no. Please don't.

Ow! I can't see!

You're lucky. You're not looking so good.

Ohh!

Aah!

Security! Clown down in the lobby.

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