Original subtitles

Oh. What's going on?

There's something circling the hotel.

I think it's a hang glider.

Get real. It's a flying saucer.

Don't be ridiculous.

If it were a flying saucer, we'd all be vaporized.

Pish posh.

It's clearly a kite.

[shrieking]

[splat]

No. A kite wouldn't do that.

A flying saucer might.

Oh!

Ife ♪

♪ here you are in mine ♪

♪ yes, we have a suite life ♪

♪ most of the time ♪

♪ you and me, we got the world to see ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ just me and you know what to do ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ it's you and me and me and you ♪

♪ we got the whole place to ourselves ♪

♪ you and me, we got it all for free ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ this is the suite life ♪

♪ we've got a suite life ♪

Captioning made possible by abc cable networks group

This watering-plants- for-people-who-are- on-vacation thing is easy.

Easy for you. You're planted on the couch.

Ooh! And how are you today?

Is that a new leaf?

When mommy london gets back, she'll be so proud of you.

What are you doing?

Talking to the plants.

I'm sure they'll ignore you. Just like I do.

[shrieking]

Oh, my gosh.

Zack, come here.

Whoa. This must be the bird that nailed moseby.

Both: Way to go, dude.

I've never seen an eagle before.

And you still haven't.

This is a hawk.

Although indigenous to the wild,

When civilization encroached, they learned to adapt,

Nesting in high buildings which replicate their natural habitat.

Where did you learn so much about this?

We studied this in school last semester.

Remember?

School.

[shrieking]

Relax.

She's just feathering her nest with london's pink pashmina.

I don't know what scares me more--

That hawk

Or the fact that you know what a pashmina is.

Patrick.

Mr. Moseby. Joining us for dinner?

Might I suggest the duck a la splat.

Oh, you heard, huh?

Or the chicken bombay.

A little bird told me.

It's...It's very funny.

Keep it up, and the next restaurant you work at

You'll be wearing a paper hat.

Ok, ok, I'm done. That last one was cheap.

Cheap-cheap.

Oh, would you...

D--

All right, let's get the bouquet in there

Before carey starts to sing.

Grace, will you marry me?

Oh, my gosh, tim.

Yes.

She said yes.

She said yes.

♪ amazing grace ♪

♪ how sweet the sound ♪

♪ that saved a wretch ♪

♪ like tim ♪

♪ he once ♪

[shrieking]

That's the bird that soiled my suit.

That hawk is a beautiful creature of nature.

It lives in the wild, but its soul is gentle.

Duck!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

That bird flew off with my engagement ring.

That ring cost me a month's salary.

A month?

Ooh. Yeah. Rule of thumb is at least 3 months salary

On an engagement ring.

3 months? For a plasma tv maybe. But a ring?

That's it. The wedding is off, cheapskate.

What? Honey. Honey, wait.

And that's why.

Aah!

That bird ruined the proposal.

I'm still getting paid, though, right?

Oh, you know-- everyone just keep calm.

Keep calm. Oh, look out!

Not on my head.

I just had it blown out.

Ok, don't push. Single file. Single file.

[shrieking]

Ok, all at once. All at once.

This is it.

Don't you dare hit that bird.

It's a poor, defenseless creature.

Who nearly ripped your arm out of its socket.

Now, that bird has to go.

How can you tell from down here?

That wicked beast just landed on the penthouse balcony.

Well, it is not checking in to the tipton.

Starting right now it is bye-bye birdie.

Ooh, I love that musical.

Oh, they're on the phone, and they're in the boxes.

The hawk is back.

Where has it been?

I don't know. What am I supposed to do, ask her?

Why not? You talk to plants.

Ooh. Camera.

We can record this for science.

Yep.

And if we put it on the internet,

We can make money off it.

Yep.

And we can donate that money

To a charity that saves hawks.

Uh...Yep.

All right, where is it?

Where is it?

Aha!

There he is.

Just sitting there befouling my hotel.

It's not a he. It's a she.

And she's not sitting. She's nesting. She's gonna have a baby.

Not in my hotel.

That bird needs to check out pronto.

You can't move her. It's wrong.

It's wr--ha!

Look who's talking. The president and vice president

Of the do everything wrong association of america.

If you do anything to frighten or harm that bird--

You'll what?

We'll report you

To the t.G.A.T.P.P.W.S.H.A.

Both: The what?

The government agency

That punishes people who scare hawks away.

Oh, yeah.

They play rough.

You and I both know there's no such agency.

But there is a mr. Tipton,

And he loves things that are wild.

N and tell him everything.

He has homes in 12 countries. You

Madrid. It was in today's paper.

You don't have his phone number.

He was on london's speed dial.

You don't have the nerve.

We climbed 10 stories up a laundry chute.

We got nothing but nerve.

All right. I will get both of you.

And your little hawk, too.

Oh, my--

Arwin hawkhauser reporting for duty, sir.

You have a mission for me?

I just got off the phone with-- arwin, put it down.

I just got off the phone with mr. Tipton

Regarding this hawk that has taken up residence at our hotel.

In high school, my nickname was the hawk.

Really?

No.

I did try to get that going, though.

Actually, they...They called me nose picker.

Oh.

You pick one nostril in second grade, and they label you for life.

Oh, no.

You know, in retrospect,

Maybe the problem was, it wasn't my nose.

I just felt so bad for her. You know?

You can pick your nose. You can pick your friends.

But you cannot pick your friend's nose.

Oh, would you stop!

Now, I have discussed it with mr. Tipton.

He loved my idea of humanely capturing the hawk

And then releasing her into the wild

So she can poop with wild abandon

On all those tree-hugging nature lovers.

Well, you picked the right man for the job.

I'm cunning and stealthy.

It's funny. My other nickname was klutz.

So...

Now, arwin, are you sure this invention of yours is going to work?

I'm positive. Positive.

I've tested it out and it worked every time.

Here. Look. [clears throat]

A gentle blast of air launches these tennis balls

Which carry the net to its target,

Thus encircling it and rendering it incapable of flight.

Hmm.

Now, what's the red light--

No, don't touch that!

Whew. I put it there to look cool.

Just get on with it before the twins come.

Gotcha. And don't worry about a thing. It's a piece of cake.

[cawing]

Holy pterodactyl.

It's not exactly a parakeet, is it?

Oh, no. It's a pair of claws.

Ok. Here we go.

Hello, hawk.

Here, hawky hawky hawky.

Here, hawky hawky hawky hawky hawky.

Pay no attention to the man with the net launcher.

3, 2, 1.

[click]

So how you doing?

Just relax. Everything's cool.

It's all right.

3, 2, 1.

[click]

Darn it.

Stupid light.

Hey.

Hmm?

If you're here to watch london's big-screen tv, we've got dibs.

Wait a minute.

Why is arwin out on the balcony?

Calm down. Now, I have talked to mr. Tipton,

And we have agreed to capture your precious bird

And set it free

Far, far away from my hotel.

But she's already free. And I don't want you hurting her.

Relax. Arwin has everything under control.

I'm hit! I'm hit! Don't come out here!

Look. She took off.

Oh. She's frightened.

But this is splendid.

Now she will find another home,

And she can lay her egg there.

Except she's already laid her egg here.

Don't stare. You'll scare the egg away.

Well, what if she doesn't come back?

Who's gonna hatch her egg?

I will.

Ok. But I'd squat really low

'cause it can get pretty windy up there.

Ok, I brought a blanket and a hot water bottle.

No. Don't you know anything about mothering?

Apparently not.

If you touch the egg, it will get the human scent on it,

And the mother will never come back.

Let me at it.

Well, how long can it survive without being kept warm?

Not much longer.

Oh, this is great stuff for our web site.

You know, I missed that last exchange

Where mr. Moseby tried to scramble the egg.

So can you guys reenact it?

And this time, cody, don't be afraid to tear up a little.

And go.

Is the mother back yet?

No.

Don't worry. I made this sling to help cradle the egg

And keep it at hawk temperature.

How do you take a hawk's temperature?

Very carefully.

Are you sure you wanna do this?

Yes. I have to.

Hey, I felt it move.

The chick moved inside the egg.

There's life in me.

Maddie, what have you got

That's full of fat, sugar, chocolate, and peanuts?

My aunt bessie.

I'd rather have a candy bar.

Rough day at school?

Yeah, and it's all cody's fault.

Why? Is everybody making fun of you

Because your twin brother is hatching an egg?

Oh, no. All the girls are going ga-ga over him,

And none of them will talk to me.

Really, ladies. I could have carried my own books.

Oh, but we wanted to.

For the sake of the baby.

You see?

You're both so sweet.

Oh, you're the one who's sweet.

Really sweet.

Where did you learn to be so sweet and kind

And caring?

Yes. Where?

From me.

You know, cody used to be all mean and macho

Until one day I came up to him and said,

"hey, dude, stop it."

See you in the morning, cody.

We'll walk you to school.

I'll bring along some breakfast.

Anything but eggs, ok?

It just wouldn't seem right because of--

The baby.

Uh, reality check, girls. It's not a baby.

It's a bird, with a beak and claws.

Just once, once,

Could you back me up on the sensitive guy thing?

Hey, watch it.

I'm with child.

Can you make it do something?

It's an egg.

What do you want it to do, stupid egg tricks?

Can it?

He's going to love it.

Cody, I made something that is gonna help you bond with the baby.

Cody, for the record, I am all in favor of what you're doing here,

But this time I think arwin's gone a little too far.

This is not going too far.

Way to go, arwin.

Now bubba will relate to other hawks instead of humans.

Caw! Caw! Caw!

Cody, I have always looked forward to becoming a grandma.

Of course I thought you'd be older and married

And your baby would be human.

This is nice, too.

What's wrong? Oh.

My egg. I think it's...It's opening.

My water broke. Oh, my gosh! I'm giving birth!

Ok, easy. Breathe.

Ok, now, uh... Now, push.

Push what?

I don't know. I saw it in a movie.

This is beautiful. Arwin: I know.

The miracle of birth.

No. I'm talking about how much money we're gonna make.

For the save the hawk foundation.

Oh, it's coming. It's coming.

[cawing]

The baby's here.

And he's gonna be a big star.

I don't care.

As long as he has 4 talons on each foot,

I don't care.

Madeline, I want you to know that I appreciate

That you have put your feelings about this hawk matter aside

And are conducting yourself in a professional manner.

Well, I am your employee, and so I owe you my loyalty.

[beeping]

But now it's 5:00.

I'm off duty, and I owe you nothing.

Tipton hates hawks! Tipton hates hawks!

Madeline, would you--

Maddie!

Ooh!

You cannot parade around here with that sign.

As a citizen of these United States of america--

Whose proud symbol is the bald eagle, best friend to the hawk--

I have a right to express myself freely.

As do I. And as maitre d',

I demand the immediate removal of that baby hawk

Before it presents a real danger

To life, liberty, and my daily special.

Bird hater!

Bird hugger!

Both of you need to calm down.

I talked to the zoo,

And they're willing to take the baby hawk as an honored guest.

Brilliant solution. Everyone's happy.

I know cody,

And he'll never put his baby in a cage.

Oh, well, maybe the zoo will also take the twins.

O happy day!

Are you gonna feed bubba now?

'cause I wanna get that on tape.

Yeah.

Is that a new camera?

Top of the line.

Palm-sized.

How did you afford that?

Well, I just dipped into the save the hawk foundation a little bit.

Wait a minute.

All that money was supposed to go to the save the hawk foundation.

My save the hawk foundation.

Zack.

Ok, ok.

I'll give 20% to a real hawk charity.

20?

Fine. 50%.

50?

A hundred percent.

But that's as high as I'll go.

Ah. Cody, I believe I have come up with a solution

That will make both of us happy.

I have arranged with the zoo

To take young bubba off your hands.

But I don't want bubba off my hands.

Bubba and I are doing just fine.

I'm gonna teach him how to fly.

Can't wait to see that test flight.

And then I'm going to release him into the wild.

Hawks live longer in captivity.

They do?

Oh, yes. By several years.

I didn't know that.

And you can visit him every day.

That would be nice.

But I think bubba would be happier in the wild.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to feed bubba his filet mignon,

Charred on top and pink in the middle.

Yes. Just the way they prepare it in the wild.

Carey: Wow. Bubba's really grown.

Well, he's big for his age.

Has he been flapping his wings much?

More and more each day.

It won't be long until I take him to the zoo.

Zoo?

Well, you know, hawks live longer in captivity.

There are no hunters,

And he'll get 3 square mice a day.

Yeah, but he'll get 'em through a metal slot in a door, hon.

But I'll get to visit bubba whenever I want.

Wouldn't that be great?

I guess. What happened to letting him go?

You don't think bubba has what it takes to make it out there?

Shh. He'll hear you. He's got ears like a hawk.

Did I ever tell you about the day I left home?

Oh, no. This isn't one of those boyfriend stories again, is it?

No. Not this time.

I was 18 and I was gonna leave home.

Come?

Well, I joined a rock band that my...

Boyfriend started.

That's not the point.

I asked my mom if she was sad that I was leaving,

And she said she was, but--

But what?

But she also said that my leaving home

Meant that she'd done the work that she was meant to do.

She raised me so I could stand on my own.

I see.

Cody, you've done a terrific job.

Bubba's getting ready to stand on his own.

It would be nice to go visit him in a zoo,

But it's also nice to let him have his freedom.

What if he doesn't make it?

That's a chance my mother took with me.

It's a chance I'm gonna take with you and zack someday.

So it's also a chance you can take with bubba if you want.

And all along,

I've been telling people a hawk's a wild thing

And you have to be willing to let it go.

Boy, I am so bogus.

You're not bogus.

You're just a worried mother.

Thanks.

Hey, you know what?

Maybe next year bubba will come back and build his nest.

If he finds a girlfriend, that is.

Oh, he'll find one.

He's very good-looking, and he has a great personality.

[cawing]

Uh-oh. The wind is picking up.

Bubba seems to like that.

Go ahead, bubba. It's ok.

You were meant to fly. You'll like it.

Bacand visit grandma.

[shrieking]

Oh.

Look at him go.

He's so beautiful.

Mom, when you left, did your mother cry?

Only after I was gone.

The tipton hates hawks! The tipton--

Madeline, please.

Look, a zoo isn't so bad.

Then why aren't you living in one?

I am.

This issue is settled.

That bird is checking out of the tipton and into the zoo.

[shrieking]

No, he's not.

But cody promised.

Isn't he beautiful?

[shrieking]

I have to admit.

He is rather magnificent.

And that's why they should be allowed to fly free.

[splat]

And that's why I'm running out of suits.

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