Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Dylan Sprouts, and you're watching Disney Channel.

The Tipton welcomes Quinn?

Well, well, well.

Nice to see we're finally being appreciated around here.

What would really make us feel welcome is unlimited movies and dessert.

Ooh, and a room with a hot tub wouldn't be bad either.

You know what would be better?

You two moving to Guatemala.

We happen to be having a twin convention this weekend, and I expect you to make

yourselves scarce.

But we're twins.

You can't keep us from our peeps.

Wow.

So this is what we look like to other people.

It's kind of creepy.

You have no idea.

Ooh, look at that cute girl over there.

Ooh, and there she is again.

One for each of us.

I already have a girl.

My beautiful Irma.

Your beautiful Irma happens to have more hair on her upper lip than you do.

It's an unfortunate series of moles.

No, it's hair. Mold. Hair. Mold. Hair. Mold. Hairy mold.

I

landed on

my A.

What do you think of this outfit? Does this shirt go with these pants? Who am I

kidding? This doesn't match. I have to change. Thanks, Mom.

I'm here to help.

What a loser.

Say what you want, Zach, but one of you has a date tonight while the other one

is watching World's Funniest Truck Collision.

Hello?

World's Funniest?

Mom?

World's Funniest until I saw that.

I can't decide what to wear.

Well, here's a thought.

How about some pants?

Come on.

Oh,

gold. Yeah.

Come in.

I love visiting you guys. The doorman always calls me sir.

I hope you don't mind, but I'll still call you sir doofus.

Oh, I'm about to make fun of Cody before his date, and it's always nice to have

backup. Actually, I'm here because Cody doesn't have a date.

Irma postponed it. So when?

Well, when I say postponed, I mean dumped.

She dumped him?

Oh, man, this is going to crush him.

Let me handle this. This has got to be done very gently.

Hey, Cody, welcome to the club.

What club?

The guys who aren't dating Irma Club.

That's your idea of gentle?

Hey, I didn't kick him.

You're lying.

I got it directly from the source. Irma told Cam, who told Phil, who told

Ashley, who told Brenda, who told Dylan, who told Cole, who told me.

It's over.

But why?

What happened?

She got back together with her camp boyfriend.

No.

Not Joaquin.

The one with the 12 -speed bike and the puka shell necklace.

It's horrible.

Okay. Buddy, this was a tough break, but there are lots of fish in the sea.

I don't want a fish.

I want Irma.

Come on.

With whiskers like those, she looks like a catfish.

Mosey, something's wrong.

double. We're having a twin convention.

Everyone here is a twin, like Zack and Cody.

Zack and Cody are twins?

Since when?

Oh, about six months ago.

We should tell them about the convention.

Sorry, excuse me.

Sorry, excuse me.

Okay, you go right, I'll go left.

Which way's my right?

I write with my right hand.

This one, this one.

You two are the perfect couple.

I'm London, like the city. I'm Kirk, like the captain.

Well, captain.

I'd love to sing and talk, but I have to have a facial for my face.

Faith, feel free to watch me leave.

This hotel is boring. Yeah.

Hey, damn!

What?

Who do those guys remind me of?

Got me.

Excuse me, please. I'm Jessica.

Have you by any chance seen someone who looks exactly like me?

Yeah.

Last night.

In my dreams.

Last night I dreamt that I was being devoured by ferocious hamsters.

Turns out it was just my little brother nibbling on my toes.

Okay, ciao.

I just met him.

Excuse me, can I get a chocolate bar, please?

You can have anything you want.

I want a chocolate bar, please.

You're a man with a purpose.

I like that.

So, are you a twin?

Yeah, are you?

No, my parents are old -fashioned. They like to make them one at a time.

How about I show you one of Boston's most elegant restaurants?

Ever had a seven -meat pizza?

More intriguing.

Or disgusting.

It's both.

So, how about it?

Thanks, but I don't go anywhere without my sister Janice.

No problem.

I'll take my vitamins.

I meant, could you bring your brother?

That's another way to go.

So, do you think your brother would be into it?

Oh! Yeah, definitely.

He's a party animal.

Nonstop fun.

So, did you want to take a break?

No.

Cleaning helps me forget about... Irma.

Well, in that case, bathroom's the best.

Dude, good news. I got you a date. With Irma? No, bitch.

us up with gorgeous English twins.

We're going on a date tomorrow night.

No. But come on, this is the best thing that's happened. It's too soon to start

dating again.

It's been a whole hour.

How much time do you need?

Tell him he's done with the bathroom.

Come on, do it for me.

No. And because you're going to ask again?

No. Again.

Zach, I think you're being very insensitive to your brother's feelings.

You shouldn't use them for your own selfish agenda.

Don't forget to breathe so, Connie.

What are you looking for?

Not a what. A who.

A hot who.

You meant a hot who? How? Here.

I meant a hot who, too.

Oh, there he is!

That's your Q guy?

That's my Q guy!

Tell her!

Wow. Did you guys rehearse?

No.

Tell Maddie you came over here to ask me out.

Actually, I just came for another chocolate bar.

But if you two want to go out, I could ask my twin brother.

That could work.

Oh, you guys will love Dirk. He's smart.

Oh, I'll take him. I'll get him.

This worked out great.

Yeah, there's a good -looking smart one for me and a good -looking other one for

you.

There he is.

He is a funny looking guy.

Thanks.

We're fraternal twins.

No, you're not. You don't look anything alike.

That's what fraternal means.

He is a smart one.

I just polished that table.

Whoa!

Oh, and I waxed the floor.

Dude, look at you.

The suite is clean, but you're a mess.

You need to get back out there.

But you might want to take off the apron first.

I told you I'm not ready.

I understand.

Only time can mend a broken heart.

Thank you. You got five minutes. Because that's when Jessica and Janice are

going to be here for our date. What part of not going don't you understand?

The not part.

Dude, they're twins.

Gorgeous twins.

On vacation.

What they do in Boston stays in Boston.

I can't cheat on Irma.

She's cheating on you.

You gonna stay here scrubbing while she's twirling Joaquin's puka shells?

I don't know.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe? These girls have British accents.

Even when they dump you, it'll sound great.

Which they won't because you were once a terrific guy.

Okay.

Okay, I think I can do this.

Atta boy. You're the bounce back kid. I'm the bounce back kid. And you're

out tonight. I'm going out. And you're gonna have fun. I'm gonna have fun!

That's the girls.

Irma used to knock just like that.

Irma!

Wow. This time he didn't even make it to the couch.

This double date is gonna be so much fun. Patrick always gives me a great

Table for four, please.

Oh, I see why Patrick drives a foreign sports car.

Mosby, where's Patrick?

He crashed his foreign sports car.

Why isn't Rich filling in for him? Rich is the one he crashed into.

What about Gary? Gary got hit by the ambulance. This way.

This isn't fair.

Why do I get to goof his twin? You picked him before I saw him. He's not

bad. His shirt was sticking out of his fly.

Maybe that's the style. Yeah,

yeah.

Aren't you the one who always says you can't judge a book by its cover?

Yeah, yeah.

Aren't you the one who always says if you look down deep, you can always find

something nice about someone? Yeah, yeah.

Aren't you the one who always says... Yeah, yeah, okay, I'm the one.

Hey, girls. You look great.

Thanks!

Wow, you are really good at that.

So Kirk and I sit here, and you guys sit way over there.

So, Dirk, do you have any hobbies?

Taxidermy. I like to stuff dead things.

Who doesn't?

I also read medical journals.

Did you know that 80 hairs fall out of your head every day?

Um, can we not talk about hair?

Unless it's mine.

Sure, we can talk about skin.

Did you know that the dust under your bed is mostly dead skin?

Okay, he's hungry.

So, Kirk, do you see anything you like?

Oh, definitely.

The steak is really great here.

Did you know that it takes three hours for meat to move through your intestines

so the bile can churn up the gastric acid?

I think I'll have a salad.

Didn't you know?

Don't care.

We take each other's places all the time. All the time. I remember when...

yes, that was brilliant.

Oh, and what about the time... And the parents? That was the best.

You know, we've had some wild times, too, haven't we, Coaster?

No.

Your brother seems a tad depressed.

More like a smidge. Even more like a smidge. But still sad.

Oh, yes, definitely sad.

Oh, he's not sad.

Are you, Cody?

No, no, I'm fine.

Never been better.

Cheese stick.

You know, Cody, it's not good to keep things bottled up. Not good at all.

Bad, really. Really bad.

Oh, not really.

Okay, Cody, tell us. Yeah, do tell.

No, I don't want to bring anyone down. Good thinking. It's Irma. Way to hold

out.

Who's Irma?

His gerbil. She went to the big squeaky wheel in the sky.

How sad.

Really sad.

Well, I'm going to run to the loo. And when I get back, you better be happy.

I'm not even thinking of Bermal.

You could always get another gerbil.

But this time I'd get two, just in case.

Bermal was my girlfriend.

You were dating a gerbil?

Well, to each his own.

Strange country, America.

No, she was a person.

Zach just said she was a gerbil because he didn't want me to ruin his date.

She just broke up with me yesterday.

Yesterday? You poor thing.

You poor, poor thing.

After I broke up with Troy, I wept for a month. I told you not to go out with an

older man.

He was 13 and a half.

You went out with Ronald and he was 14?

Yes, but he was short for his age.

Hi, Miss Irma. Hi, Miss Troy.

Hope you gentlemen are enjoying your steak.

We're not having steak. No, we're having seafood.

Seafood? Yeah, seafood.

Oh,

this pasta's fantastic.

Oh, try some of mine.

No thanks, I don't feel like sharing.

How was your offering?

Oh, but you can have my baked potato.

Well, don't you want any?

Nah, I feel like I can still taste the fertilizer.

Did you know it takes six bags of cow manure to grow one bag of potatoes?

Can we please talk about something that doesn't make me, I don't know, gag?

Actually, gagging is good. It heaves up old mucus that's just caked with

bacteria.

Hunting, I have a word with you, please.

This is the worst... This is the worst date of my life. I'm leaving.

You can't. He's not that bad.

He scratched his back with a fork.

And then he used it.

You guys are talking about me, aren't you?

No.

Actually, she was hoping you'd follow her out.

See, Maddie?

It worked.

Toodles.

Look, Dirk. You don't have to say it.

I know this has been a lousy dinner for you. I mean, I'm no Kirk.

I'm not handsome.

I'm not charming. I'm not funny.

Feel free to disagree.

Hey, that was kind of funny.

So you think there's hope for me?

Of course.

Look, you're obviously smart.

And you know more about bodily secretions than any boy I have ever met.

Someday, you're going to make a great doctor.

Oh, I don't want to be a doctor.

I want to be a male model.

Really? Gotcha.

See? That's a bad one to loosen up.

Thanks, Maddie.

You're awesome.

I know.

Look.

There's this girl I met tonight that I'd really like a second chance with.

Think she might be interested?

She might be.

Great, because I'm nuts about London. Can you distract Kirk so I can ask her

out?

I think she's really hot, and I like them dumb and rich.

Well, I know London likes them rude and soggy.

You're soaking wet.

Daddy, why'd you do that?

He wanted me to help him land another girl. What a jerk.

Yeah, it was you.

Well, at least he's got good teeth.

There's a sweetie crying on my shoulder.

He's crying on my shoulder.

He has two eyes, doesn't he?

So... Who's up for some video games?

How can you play video games when your father's in pain?

Cody needs comforting. We're here for him.

We think it's wonderful to see a boy who expresses his emotions.

Only a real man is not afraid to cry.

Well, I'm not afraid to cry. I cry at puppies and rainbows.

Oh, and I watch the women's channel all the time.

When Rachel broke up with Guillermo for the one -legged tennis player.

I blubbered like a baby.

Poor Guillermo.

I need a moment.

Come on, Cody. Why don't we go to the cinema?

Our treat.

Well, it might help me forget.

I'm sorry your date was ruined, but you got what you deserved.

Is there no shoulder for me to cry on?

You pushed your brother to go out before he was ready just so you could have

fun. Honey, it's going to be a long time before he's comfortable around girls.

I had a wonderful time, ladies.

Don't forget, see you tomorrow for breakfast, teens.

Can't thank you enough. If you hadn't told me to get back out there, I'd be

sitting here alone and so depressed.

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