Original subtitles

That's my boy.

That's my boy.

I thought I heard thunder.

Thunder? In this weather?

Yeah, have a listen.

No, it's traffic.

What, in Little Birch March?

Two cars and a milk float and they think it's bank holiday Monday.

I'm going back for me brolly. What do you want your brolly for?

What do you think, to keep off the rain?

What rain?

The rain that will follow the thunder.

Ida, there isn't any thunder.

Well, there isn't any traffic.

What do you think that is, a yellow -crested hooter warbler?

Shane, perhaps there's been an accident.

Go back and get your bag. I'll run on.

What will you do when you get there?

Well, if necessary, tie a few tourniquets.

I'm not a doctor's mummy for nothing, you know. Oh, if I have to give blood,

watch me groove.

Right. Right.

Oh, good morning, Mrs. Williams.

Good morning, Dr.

Price. I'm sorry I'm so late.

I didn't know you were.

It's the traffic.

See? I'd have thought it was thunder.

In this weather? Oh, no, it's traffic.

I've never seen the high street like it. It's quite unbelievable.

Lorries, cars, motorcycles, and they're all in such a hurry.

Where are they all coming from?

And where are they all going to?

As they used to say in ancient Rome, Mrs Willis, quo vardis.

Well, then.

It isn't anywhere either. It's Latin for wither goest thou.

Oh, I see. Well, I ought to goest for a sliced loaf.

But if the traffic's as bad as you say, will I get us there?

It took me and the vicar a quarter of an hour.

To do what?

To cross the road.

Poor old posty got knocked off his bike.

Was he hurt?

Well, only his pride.

And in capture.

Here, don't you have to visit Sergeant Weatherall this morning?

Well, his wife, yeah.

Well. Perhaps he can tell you what's going on.

I'll make them the first visit.

Oh, perhaps I'd better see you across the road first.

Jane, I'm not a little old lady yet.

I can still stop the traffic.

She'll never stop it like that.

What's she doing?

Nothing, I think. There's a lorry.

Is it a big one?

No.

Oh!

Oh, what?

She's made it across.

Mind you, I thought she'd had it. Ford Cortina, Mr. Bianchi.

Oh, come on in, love.

Come on in.

Get your breath back.

A472NHO.

A427NHO.

A427... We'll write it down, somebody.

Is that the car that nearly killed you?

A blue Ford Cortina with a poodle in the back. But I love him. I've got his

number.

A427... Oh, was it A724?

Oh, dash, now I've lost it.

Oh, what a pity he didn't hit you.

Pardon? Just a glancing blow, then he'd have had to stop, wouldn't he?

Well, I'm still not sorry he missed me.

Do you know, I never thought I'd see the inside of this shop again.

Is there anything I can get you?

Oh, hang on then, I'll just get me list.

Oh, no.

I've left it on the kitchen table.

Well, I'm not going back for it. Not through that lot, I'm not.

Oh, I don't think you could, Mrs Willis. I think it's thickening. Anyway,

perhaps I can remember. I know I want a loaf of bread. Oh, and I want two.

And I want 48.

There's nothing getting through, ladies.

I've no bread. I've no cold meat. And look at me farmhouse cheddar. I'm right

down to me rind.

Mind you, it'd great.

I could knock 4P off.

No, thanks.

You made it a crock, then, Ida? A piece of cake.

Have you seen Sergeant Weatherall? Yes.

Well, what news?

Not a lot, and it's all bad.

Oh, no.

I tell smelling salts.

It's that new stretch of motorway. They opened it this morning.

They didn't. They did. Jimmy Tarbuck cut the tape.

Did he?

Oh, I'd have gone.

How?

By helicopter? You'd never have got there.

I petitioned against that motorway.

I'm sorry, perhaps I'm still at the other side of the road, but what's a new

stretch of motorway got to do with all that lot out there?

We're a shortcut to it.

We're not.

We are.

I might as well shut up shop.

Half my clientele lives to the side of that traffic. I'll never see them again,

will I? Or them me?

Try to keep calm, Mrs Cross.

Calm?

Calm? What, the profit's about to plummet?

Oh, come on, it's not as bad as all that.

Not for you, it isn't. No, because your profits won't plummet, will they? Quite

the reverse.

There'll be nervous breakdowns. I know, it'll be the first.

Rude traffic accidents.

Mine nearly was the first.

Lead poisoning, carbon monoxide, they're all grist to your mill, Doctor. They'll

all put money in your pocket.

You haven't got a packet of crisp bread, have you?

Just the one.

And it's spoken for.

Where was I?

On your way to the bankruptcy court.

Don't. I suppose we could have an underpass.

I had a cousin got mugged in one of them.

All right, then. An overpass.

I had an auntie threw herself off one of them.

There's no pleasing her, is there?

Have you got any relations left?

Well, if I have, I'll never see them. They're all on the other side of the

It's just like the Berlin Wall, isn't it?

Without a checkpoint, Charlie.

Oh, well, I'd better get back on my calls.

What did I come in here for? Oh, yes, you didn't deliver my paper this

Mrs Cross.

Not anyone else's, Doctor. The papers are somewhere out there, aren't they,

trying to get through.

It's like wagon train.

Well, here's your bread van, at least. Oh, no, what?

There's three Indian arrows in the driver's back. There's not.

Of course there's not, she.

I'm sorry.

Morning. Morning. Thank thee, love. Bring it in, lad.

I wish I could.

Someone's slammed into the back of me. I can't unlock my doors.

You can use your phone to ring the head office.

Before you do, can I have a packet of dried yeast and a three -pound bag of

flour?

Sixty pence, please.

That's risen.

So's the flour.

It had to leave early.

Don't tell me. Because of the traffic.

How bad is this traffic?

We're having a meeting about it. When? Tonight.

Where? In the village hall.

But it's these guys tonight.

Oh, well, they'll just have to swim for it.

I mean, this is an emergency, Angie.

It's going to be all hands to the pump.

So while you're sitting there, not reading Love on Ward 9, perhaps you can

out some posters. And I wouldn't say no to a couple of banners.

What? Oh, let's think.

How about Little Birch March Needs a Bypass?

Oh, that's rather good indeed.

Little Birch March Needs a Bypass. Oh, yes.

And we'll need some leaflets, won't we? Will we? What for?

Well, to let people know about the meeting.

We couldn't have them scattered, could we, from a helicopter.

What we really need is a town crier.

Well, we've got Mrs Cross.

Do you know, she wasn't a bit pleased when I suggested a meeting.

She sort of turned away and fiddled with her packet soups.

She wasn't a bit pleased, only because it was my idea and Vera Lacey said, Oh,

good idea, you're back.

Any chance of an early lunch?

How early?

Like now.

Robert, it's only ten to twelve.

I know, but I've got so much to do.

Well, so have I. This meeting won't organise itself, you know.

Meeting? My meeting tonight.

Oh, look, Ida, I hope you won't be upset.

That means I will.

Upset about what?

Well, after you left the shop... Go on.

Mrs Cross... I knew it.

I knew she was up to no good with those packet soups.

She said what?

It does make sense. She thought we'd do better to scrap the meeting and make an

appointment with the highways people. Hear what they have to say. Oh, did she?

Well, you'll never get an appointment.

Oh, we've got one.

When? Are you next Pancake Tuesday?

Three o 'clock this afternoon.

That's why I want an early lunch.

Shall I pour a lemon egg?

You can roast him an ox for all I care.

You are upset.

No, I'm not.

Then why are you huffy?

A, I am not huffy. And B, because you're taking Mrs Cross and not me.

But I am taking you.

You are?

Yes. To see the high -waist people?

Yes. I'm not sitting in the back seat like Nellie from the laundry.

Mrs Cross can sit there and get car sick.

Mrs Cross isn't coming.

She's not?

No, she thought you'd do it better.

Come back all I said.

Mind you, she's right, but isn't it nice of her? I'll tell you what, I'll buy

one of those packet soups tomorrow.

Well, it'll scatter into a casserole. Oh, oh, shee, that is really important.

Oh, Shane, why do they make it so big?

Because it's full of little people.

Like us. No, not like us.

We're not little people. Don't you go in there thinking we are.

You're right. We're not. We're the silent majority.

About to make ourselves heard.

I know now why they make it so big. It's to make us feel small.

Well, it didn't work.

Little birds much need a bite at all.

On the town.

A bypass, a little birch march.

If possible, by the weekend.

Mrs Willis, have you any idea, any concept of the cost of such an

We appreciate that it won't be cheap, Mr Jesse. Cheap? We're talking in millions

here. We're not, though.

I'm afraid we might be, Ida.

Well, cider you are.

Millions for one little bypass.

Well, the thing is, everywhere that little bypass goes has to be, um, what

you call it?

Compulsorily purchased.

Thank you. Yeah, that's, uh, fields, farms, houses, gardens.

And churchyards.

Oh, I dread churchyards.

You'd be surprised at the number of people who object when they have to

their loved ones.

Even if it's only a couple of feet.

What about the rest of them?

Show the gentleman your other idea.

Other idea?

Now, this won't cost a million.

Let me show you.

This is Little Birch March.

Here. Mind my ink, then.

Now, this is the route they're all using for the motorway. Right through the

village, see? Now, if you were to give us a sign... Sign?

At this junction here, saying, to the motorway... In big letters!

Then you'd divert most of the traffic, wouldn't you?

Only the locals would know to cut through. I'm sorry, Doctor, it's not as

as all that.

I mean, signs don't grow on trees.

We never thought they did.

They have to be made and painted and put up.

Before any of that, they have to be authorised.

Well, who buy and will go and see it? Well, buy me.

Oh, that's handy.

Where do you want me?

I can't authorize a sign just like that. I thought you just said you could.

Well, I can, after it's been to a subcommittee, but to be perfectly frank

you, I... Mr. Beckley, I thought I said no calls.

Oh, is it?

Well, put her on.

Yes, my love.

Oh, yes, my love, yes, I priced them this morning.

£45 for the set of six.

Mind you, they're the goblets, not the glasses.

Oh, no, my love, I'm sorry about this.

That's all right, my love.

Oh, no, my love, not crystal.

No, the crystal were 95.

Look, Florence, I can't talk about it now because I've got people waiting, you

see, Florence.

And I do you, too.

Oh, bye -bye.

You know, you might get those goblets cheaper in the market.

Oh, wouldn't Florence like that? Oh, no, no, Florence wouldn't like that. You

see, they're a wedding present, so she'll want them nicely boxed.

Well, about this sign of yours, Doctor, well, I want you to know that I've given

the matter a great deal of consideration.

When? Just now.

You were on the phone.

Well, before that, and it is not without regret that I have to tell you that...

That your parrot died.

You don't by any chance drive a blue Cortina with a poodle in the back?

No, I drive a grey Granada with a set of dangly dice.

Just a thought.

Now, where was I?

Oh, on the point of authorising our road. Oh, thank you, Doctor. Well, it

me great pleasure in informing you. I don't think I will.

No, I wasn't. Nice try, Doctor.

Well, thank you both for dropping in. If there's ever anything I can do for

you... There is.

There is? Oh.

Come to Little Birch March and see for yourself what we're putting up with.

Well, oddly enough, I'm going there to Little Birch March on Saturday.

The wife's niece is getting married there.

Really? Really?

That's all safe?

Yeah, that's right. Beautiful church, they tell me.

Early perpendicular, isn't it?

No, C of E.

Not too high, I hope.

Oh, what about?

Look, could we get back to my road? Doctor, you've had my decision. You've

lot of my time.

Well, if I see you on Saturday, I'll give you a wave.

Oh, lovely.

But mind you don't drop your box goblets.

Mr. and Mrs. Cross.

Stop. I think we're having a meeting tonight.

A meeting? What for?

I don't know why I'm changing that man's mind for him.

I'll get that sign if it kills me.

Oh.

Rhyme or tea, anyone?

Can we get on with the meeting? No. Has anyone had any new ideas?

If they have, I'll need my pencil.

What about a protest march?

I suggested that an hour ago, and you vetoed it. Did I?

Yes, Mrs. Cross, you did. I manipulated it.

But somewhere.

Oh, well, I must have had my reason.

What about lying down in the road?

Isn't that the same as sitting down in the road?

But if it is, you vetoed that an hour ago, too.

Oh, I wonder why.

Oh, I know.

Summer weather.

Short skirts.

You looked oppressed.

Darling? It's that man Jep. He's not going to change his mind, you know.

don't know about that.

He might if his wife asked him to. Oh, you should have heard him, Mrs Cross, on

the phone to her. Yes, my love. No, my love. I do you too, my love.

Ooh, sickening. I bet if she wanted us to have a road sign, we'd get a road

sign. I bet she's a right bossy boot.

What do you know, Miss Parker?

Well, I've spoken to her on the phone in my capacity as church organist.

Her niece is getting married here on Saturday.

Yeah, told us. They're giving her a box of goblets.

Must have money to burn.

What's wrong with a nice box of groceries?

Supplied by you. Why not?

She wants all perfect love going in and the voice that breathed or even coming

out.

Who does?

Oh, Mrs. Jessop.

Not the bride's mother, is she? No, she's the bride's auntie. But she's

organising it, isn't she? So it seems you're right about bossy boots, Mrs

Willis. Do you know she's given orders that the church doors are to be closed,

closed at three o 'clock. No latecomers to be admitted.

The vicar's most upset.

He rang me up about it. I'm not the Albert Hall, he said.

No, vicar, I said, you're not.

Say that again.

No vicar, I said. You're not.

Now, not that bit. The bit about the church doors.

Closed at three.

And no latecomers. Her very words.

Oh, Miss Parfitt, if I weren't already married, there'd be a double wedding on

Saturday. And it is.

What have you unleashed?

Look, what are you talking about?

The Jessops are going to the wedding, right? Right. In a grey Granada.

With a dangly dice.

Right. So, if we can hold them up so she thinks they're going to be late...

He'll be putty in her hands.

And in ours now, then. How can we hold them up?

What about a protest march?

Oh, go home.

No, I didn't mean it. Well, I did.

What's wrong with a protest march? We'd stop traffic, wouldn't we?

Only until we were moved on.

Now, what can we think of that stops the traffic but doesn't get moved on?

Morris dancers.

Morris dancers?

We saw some in Leeds, didn't we, Angie, last week? Oh, yes.

And they held the traffic up for hours, and the police didn't seem to mind a

bit. Not a bad idea. I wonder... What day is it? Monday.

Then we've got four days.

To do what?

Practise our Morris dancing.

We haven't any costumes, Robert.

And we haven't any ribbons. And we haven't any bells.

You speak for yourself.

What time is it now, George?

Ten to three, my lord.

You know what this means, don't you? We won't get our photograph take going in.

That's if we can get in.

Why did I even pay to close the door?

Well, you couldn't have known this was going to happen, my lord.

No, but you could have and should have.

Your eye weighs.

Flushy, no, Florence.

Is there any wonder?

Come on, let's see what this hold -up is.

It's the Morris dancers.

Never mind your rum -tum, tiddly -um -tum.

Shift them. But, Florence, I... George, it's five to three.

Oh, Florence, I... Hello, Mr. Jessop. You made it this far, then.

Have a nice day, Boris.

Who are these people, George, and how do they know your name?

Well, I am a public figure.

I suppose they must have seen me... I know who they are.

They're the people who came to the office on Monday wanting a road sign.

This is deliberate, this is. Willful obstruction.

Hey, you.

Me? Yes, you and your mother.

Hello. Never mind. Oh, ship that maple.

Pardon? You heard, ship that maple.

We're going to a wedding.

Oh, and you can't get through. What a shame.

They ought to have gone round the village, shouldn't they, Shane?

They weren't to know there was another way round.

If only it was signposted.

Signposted? Oh, I've got you now.

What do you mean?

I'm being blackmailed. You what?

George, what have you been up to?

Have you got photographs?

If they come out, it was a very old film.

They won't be to give them a room, sir.

And if you do?

We'll ship that maypole.

And then you'll have just two minutes to get to the wedding.

George, give them their sign. With Florence and... George!

Yes, my lord.

You, ship up home.

Yes, my lord.

Did we win?

I'm down.

Wonderful. Now I must run to my organ.

Just like that.

I must. I've only a minute and a half to, oh, perfect look.

Then we've time for one more chorus. Come on, Ange. Shall we, Mr. Crow?

Thank you.

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