Original subtitles

That's my boy.

That's my boy.

That's my boy.

That's my boy.

Are you sure you'll be all right? Well, of course I'll be all right.

Miss Parfitt's been away before, you know.

It's not the first time she's had to migraine.

And I know where everything is.

Oh. What?

All the times I've sat here and I've never seen that before.

Seen what?

That little button.

What's it for, Shane?

That's the emergency button.

Don't worry, you won't need it.

Well, I've never needed it up till now.

Mind you, I've never known it was there till now.

Oh, what's this?

Good evening, Mr Moxon.

Good evening.

Doctor won't keep you a moment. Would you care to take a seat in the waiting

room? Oh, I don't.

You don't what?

Sit.

That's what I've come about.

I'll tell you what I think it is. I think... Mr Moxon, don't worry about the

waiting room. Go straight through to the surgery.

Just take a seat.

Stand up until I get there. Isn't there a queue?

Jump it.

I wish I could.

Oh! Oh, Shane, that was really nice.

Don't sound so surprised.

Well, I'd better get back to work.

You know, I think I like Friday night surgery the best. Why? What's so special

about it? There isn't another one until Monday morning.

Oh, what an attitude.

They've all paid their stamps, you know. Don't you feel the same? No, I do not

feel the same. I love my job. I do. I really love it. It's so dramatic.

I mean, just think.

There might be somebody somewhere at this very moment. moment dialing that

number, and I'm here waiting.

Oh, I was just going to put my kettle on.

Doctor's surgery, what seems to be the trouble?

Oh, hello, Mrs. Mason.

It's little Billy Mason's mother.

Oh, sooner you than me. I'll see you later. Right.

Right, Mrs. Mason. Oh, Mrs.

Mason, do slow down.

He's got his, he's got his what? Stuck up the what?

Hot or cold?

Oh, well, the first thing to do is switch off the immersion.

And then the second thing, since you asked me, I'd send for the plumber.

And try to look on the bright side, Mrs Mason. You'll have the cleanest little

boy in Little Birch Mart.

Bye -bye, then.

Oh, I wonder if she's taken the plug out.

I'd better just check.

I'll ring her.

Mason, Mason.

Oh, it's like the streets of San Francisco.

Doctor's surgery, what seems to be the trouble?

Oh, it's you.

I didn't answer upstairs, Mrs Price, because I happen to be downstairs and

not a superwoman.

Anyway, now you're on. How are you?

You coming here?

When are you coming here?

Tomorrow? You can't... Look, Mrs Price, I really don't think that...

Mrs Price, are you crying?

Oh, whatever's the matter?

What sort of problem?

Oh, well, if you can't, you can't. Look, look, you have a nice hot drink and an

early night and we'll see you tomorrow in time for lunch.

Right, goodbye, dear.

Bye -bye.

Tomorrow!

Now, let's see how good you are.

What's wrong? What's the matter?

Wait till I tell you. Did you press the emergency button? Yes.

Why? Well, why do you think I've got an emergency?

Where? Here.

No, your other mother just rang.

My other... Ida, do you mean you dragged me out of surgery because my other...

Ida, I had just got Mr Moxon's trousers down.

Well, he won't run away then, will he?

No, she's coming here. tomorrow in time for lunch.

Come here?

My other mother? In person and in tears.

She says she's got a problem.

What sort of problem?

She wouldn't say over the phone and to me that spells F -E -X.

Sounds more like T -A -X.

Was she very upset?

I told you she was in tears.

T -A -X.

Why do I have this horrible feeling that you're wrong?

We'll talk about it later.

Now then, what was I going... Oh!

I don't know how I managed before I knew about you.

Now what? Little Billy Mason.

What about him? How old is he?

Oh, ten, eleven.

Eh?

That's old to be sticking your toe up a time.

I'm sure they won't be much longer, Ida. Oh, you said that at one o 'clock and

it's ten to two now.

I'm sorry about this, Ida. And so I should hope. Where is she now and what's

doing there apart from ruining my lunch?

She's in the bathroom, bathing her eyes in cold water.

Well, tell her to come in here and bathe them in cold soup.

Do we know what she's so upset about yet?

No, she hasn't said yet. Well, it must be something serious because she said

was pleased to see me.

Me? She's never said that before.

Oh, I'm sure she didn't mean it, Ida. I think to pardon.

Well, she doesn't know what she's saying. She just said I have a look of

father. Yes, well, in the right light, just a minute, what does she know about

it? She never even knew your father.

I think she means my other father.

What, her old man? You're nothing like him. Did you ever meet him, Ida? Yes, he

was quite nice looking.

Oh, thanks.

You're welcome.

Oh, and you're welcome too.

Come in and sit down, love.

That's right.

Would you like some nice cold soup?

Do you mind if I don't?

I'm not very hungry.

Do you mind if I do? I'm starving.

And your other mummy in the States, she is.

Don't worry about me, Mrs Willis. I'll be all right.

My pills should be working soon.

Pills? What pills?

Extract of lettuce.

My herbalist swears by them.

He says they'll make a new woman of me.

When?

How long have you been on them, Mother?

Ever since... Ever since you all left me.

Alone in London.

Here when you're T -A -X.

Mother, you've got dozens of friends in London.

Not real friends. Not true friends.

What about your bridge club? And your flower arranging?

Don't you still do aerobics? And pester... Visit that old people's home.

And what about your amateur operatic?

Remember West Side Story?

I want to be in America.

Shame. Okay, by me in America.

Shame. You're not helping.

Sorry, sorry.

It's just that... I prefer not to be reminded of former triumph.

Former what?

We were there, you know.

I'm no longer a member of the Hod... Hod?

Haringey Operatic and Dramatic Society.

Look here, she doesn't live in Streatham.

But what went wrong? I mean, three months ago, you were all keyed up to

Eliza in My Fair Lady.

Three months ago, Amy Dudley Rivers hadn't moved to Haringey.

Amy Dudley who?

Rivers. She used to be with the Pods.

Come on, team.

Pinner. Poplar.

Beckham. Pinch.

We should have got that.

And now she's with the Hods, is she, this Rivers woman?

Playing Eliza, which is ridiculous.

She's far too young for it.

But surely you're fine.

I still don't see the problem. Join another society, one that will let you

Jemima.

Eliza.

Mind you, he has got a point. Why don't you join the bods? Or the gods?

Or go it alone and join the tobs?

Mrs Willett, you're a genius.

Am I? You hold in one.

Have I?

I shall join the lobs.

Lobs?

Where would the lobs live, love?

Leave.

30 minutes on the bus lead.

It'll solve everything.

I should join the lot. Mum, mum, mum.

Hang about. You rehearsed these things for over a year.

Practice makes perfect, Robert.

She forgets we saw her I .L .M. thing.

What about all your petrol, bombing up and down the M1 three nights a week?

nights a week.

But I won't be bombing up and down, dear, will I? Not if I'm living here.

What?

Living here?

I shall sell my flat, shake the dust of London from my shoes and come to live

with you.

Mrs. Price.

Mrs. Willett, lend me a couple of extracts of lettuce.

Just a minute.

How about telling her... What, what? Telling her what?

No, she wouldn't believe it.

Unless, of course... Go on, go on. Unless, of course, what?

No, it wouldn't work.

Look, something's got to work because she's coming here to live.

Live! Not just to stay, she'll be the first thing we see in the morning and

last thing we see at night.

Pass me that bottle.

There's nothing in my bag, I suppose.

My? What do you mean, my?

Well, supposing we got some?

Where from?

A mouse shop, of course.

If we got a mummy and a daddy... We'd be overrun with the damn thing.

Well, yes, and she'd soon be on her way back to London then, wouldn't she?

Not half as soon as I... I won't.

Anyway, carry on thinking.

I know it sounds a bit sneaky, but... I like it already.

How about telling the Lord she can't sing a note?

Well, they'll soon find that out for themselves, won't they?

Anyway, I'll put it down. Ooh, I could kill that Amy Dudley Rivers.

What good would that do?

I mean, she's not coming to live with us just because she can't play Eliza with

the Hods, is she?

Well, I don't know why else she's coming.

Oh, yes, she do, if you think about it. She's coming because we're her family.

I beg your pardon.

I'm not her family.

I'm just the little woman that does.

And does. And does.

No wonder she wants to come and live here. She's waited on her foot and

Well, take today.

What has she done? Well, I've run round her.

Lulled about on the couch, writing rustic verses.

Oh, speaking of which... Oh, Shane, you've never whipped her notebook.

I didn't have to. She left it in the lounge when she went to bed.

Listen to this.

Oh, for a life in the countryside.

For a life that is truly rural.

where the problems are all in the singular and the pleasures are all in

plural.

Hey, that's not bad, is it?

I don't know. What does it mean?

Sounds rude to me.

No, she's talking about life in the country, isn't she? Well, what does she

about it? She hasn't been here five minutes, but I'll tell you something. If

ever she did come to live in the country, she'd find us more to life than

pleasures. Whatever they may be.

Oh, you're right, Ange. It does sound rude.

She thinks it's Camberwick Green, and it is not.

It's early to rise in the morning, late to bed at night, and breaking your back

in... Hang on, hang on.

Early to rise in the... Now, we're all going to need our wellies.

Well, I wanted her out of earshot. Remember last time? I could have danced

night. I think you'd better climb on that roof, Robert.

Whatever for?

Well, she has got her window tight shut, and if she doesn't hear you... Oh,

that's a point.

You'll have to do it loudly.

Really loudly.

I feel such a fool.

Now, look, you won't laugh, will you? Now, would we?

Promise? Promise. Now, get on with it. We'll be over there.

Oh, sure. Just give me time to get under the table.

Get under the table?

So I can laugh while you pour it.

Oh, you're not still on about that.

We weren't laughing at you.

Oh, no.

Pull the other one. What were you laughing at then?

Well, it was Angie, really.

Wasn't it Angie?

Was it? Yes.

Don't you remember?

You said, oh, Ida, look at all those lovely mushrooms.

Or are they...

One way to find out, I'll cook them for his other mummy's breakfast.

And we laughed and we laughed. I don't remember any of that.

Eat your toast.

It's a good thing you weren't in the secret army or God help Bernadette.

Where are you going? Back to bed.

She's coming down.

All right, don't panic.

Now, have you both got your storage tray? I think so.

complicated. She's got a point, Ida. I mean, why does it have to be a phantom

rooster? Because if it was a real rooster, knowing her, she'd get a gun

shoot it.

And now are you off for bulletproof, Batman?

I still think... Morning.

Hi, Mum.

Hi. Good morning. Do come and sit down, dear.

Thank you. Did you have a good night?

I had a very short night. Why wasn't I warned about that rooster?

Cock -a -doodle -doo. Cock -a -doodle -doo at five in the morning.

Oh, dear.

Oh, this is awful.

What is?

Robert, why is Angela looking at me like that?

Why are you looking at me like that?

Oh, they're just being silly, Mrs. Price. Pay no attention to them. Tea or

coffee? But she heard it, Ida. She actually heard it. Oh, she did, Ida. She

heard the phantom rooster.

Now, shut both of your... You're upsetting your mummy.

Thought she heard it.

How do you like your egg?

I did hear it. I heard it distinctly. Cock -a -doodle -doo, cock -a -doodle

-doo. And what did you mean, Robert?

Phantom rooster.

What do you think?

She'll have to be told.

I'm afraid she will.

You see, it all began in 1603.

What did?

Well, shut up and I'll tell you.

Do you think she believed us?

I'm not sure.

You can never really tell with her.

No, I know what you mean. The times I've heard that voice say, what a pretty

frock. And seen those eyes say, ox thumb.

Mind you, I don't see why she wouldn't believe us. I thought we were most

convincing. Oh, we were.

Till you shoved in all those twiddly bits.

What twiddly bits?

All that waffle about Oliver Cromwell chopping off the rooster's head with a

rusty old sword.

Rusty, I said.

A rusty old sword.

And as for that poem, oh, you could have warned me.

Well, as a matter of fact, I couldn't. I made it up as I went along.

Obviously. He who hears the rooster crow... Off to the churchyard he will

Well, what's wrong with that?

Well, it doesn't mean anything.

It must have meant something to her, else why did her knuckles go white?

Perhaps she was trying not to laugh.

Any time for a cup of coffee, Ida? Oh, I'll ring for the maid.

You put the kettle on and there might be.

OK. Hey, what's she doing?

Who? Julie Andrews.

Oh, she's on the phone. Who to?

Well, I don't know. I don't listen in on other people's phone calls.

Oh, well, it's lucky that I do, then.

You see, the great trick is to lift the receiver off right quickly, like this.

Oh, and yes, and also I'd like half a dozen cabbages and a banana.

Never mind.

Is everything all right, Mrs Price?

Yes, how are you feeling, Mum?

Irritated. I know they're part of today's world, and I know I must learn

with the times, but I can't get used to them. I simply can't. Used to what?

Oh, dear, what do they call the wretched things?

Answer phones.

Oh, I rather like them.

There's nobody at the other end to interrupt me.

Who were you ringing, Mother? The Psychical Research Society.

The what?

I wanted to report my phantom rooster and there's no -one in the office till

Monday.

What a way to run a railway.

It does give me more time.

What to do? Paint the waiting room?

To gather more information, Mrs Willis, to amass more evidence.

I can't be the only person who heard that rooster.

I have a feeling you might be.

I shan't be into lunch, Mrs Willis. I may not be into tea. Where are you

Mother? Over hill, over dale, thorough bush, thorough briar.

I'll cut you some sandwiches.

Thank you, Mrs Willis. Egg and crisps.

You must admit this is all very exciting. And just when I was beginning

that life in the country might be rather dull.

She was supposed to be white with fright.

And halfway back to London.

Where did we go wrong?

I don't know about where, but I think I know when.

All right, then when?

When it all began. In 1603.

one of these, Robert?

Oh, no, thanks. Not until I get some food inside me. I know what you mean.

past caring.

Oh, good, you're open.

I'll have me second in with me first.

What do you think about that, then?

Whatever is it? Well, it's the curse, isn't it? The curse of the phantom

rooster, Tarlow.

Ida? Now, look, your other mother is out looking for evidence, right?

Right. Right. Well, I've made her some.

And that's real parchment, you know. None of your vinyl rubbish.

It is, too. Hey, where did you get real parchment from? That lampshade in the

spare bedroom.

Just look where the scissors cut in.

And I did the writing with cochineal.

So I see.

He who hears the rooster crow off to the... Rooster?

Well, that's old -fashioned for rooster.

That's how they wrote their S's in them days.

Like a... Oh, I see.

And what's this?

What? Oh, what does it look like?

Signed, Oliver Cromwell.

Sunday the 2nd of September.

Ida? Yes? Oh, sorry.

Sabot forming. What, love? Where did you find this piece of parchment?

I told you, I made it out of a lampshade.

No, no, no. I think auntie means where are you going to say you found it?

Oh, um... Well, I'll say I found it this morning where it had lain

undisturbed for hundreds of years.

Where's that? On top of the fridge?

Um, I found it under a floorboard in my bedroom.

Which floorboard?

Oh, don't nitpick.

I'm sorry I've been so long, but, oh, what a day I've had.

Would you like a drink, Mum? Oh, don't tempt me, dear. Not when I have to

You're not going out again, are you? We'll never get our supper at this rate.

Dear, I do hope this isn't going to be too big a blow.

What? I can't stay here, dear.

What? I know I promised, and I do hate to let you all down, but I can't. I'm

sorry, but I really can't.

Uh, Mrs. Price?

I've got to ask this. If it's about the phantom rooster... No, it's not, Mrs

Willis. It's because of the headless nun.

Oh, well, that's all right, then.

Because I couldn't have lived with myself if I'd... Headless nun?

You mean you've never seen her?

Um, not so far, no.

Extraordinary, everyone else has.

Oh, but wait a minute. Perhaps you haven't been here long enough. She only

on All Hallows' Eve.

When's All Hallows' Eve, please?

Someone's been winding you up, Mum.

I shan't tell the vicar you said that.

When's All Hallows' Eve, please?

He's seen her several times, searching, always searching.

What for, I wonder?

Her head, I suppose.

Oh, no, dear, she knows perfectly well where that is. In the graveyard with her

love child.

Oh, she's been taking her pleasures in the plural.

Don't mock.

He didn't mean that.

Well, if no -one minds, I'll just nip upstairs and pack before it gets dark.

Not that I'm scared. Do you want me to go with you, Mother? Oh, no, dear. I'll

be all right. Old Mr Moxon gave me a head of garlic.

Ah. Well, that explains one mystery.

Oh, she's going home, Anne. She's really going home. I know. Isn't it great?

Robert. What?

If you ever do see the headless nun... Yes?

...do say thank you, won't you? Oh, I'll do better than that. I'll give her the

biggest...

Ida, what's the matter?

Nothing, nothing.

Hey, you're not scared, are you?

Scared? Me?

That'll be the day.

That's all right, then.

There's just one thing.

What?

Would you help me to move my bed?

Oh, fine. I'll do it after supper. Where do you want it moving to?

Your room.

Our room? You don't mind, do you, Angie?

Um... Well, I mean, it's not that I'm nervous. Honestly, it's... Doot, doot,

doot, doot.