All language subtitles for Thats My Boy s04e06 The Phantom Of The Farmyard

That's my boy.

That's my boy.

That's my boy.

That's my boy.

Are you sure you'll be all right? Well,
of course I'll be all right.

Miss Parfitt's been away before, you
know.

It's not the first time she's had to
migraine.

And I know where everything is.

Oh. What?

All the times I've sat here and I've
never seen that before.

Seen what?

That little button.

What's it for, Shane?

That's the emergency button.

Don't worry, you won't need it.

Well, I've never needed it up till now.

Mind you, I've never known it was there
till now.

Oh, what's this?

Good evening, Mr Moxon.

Good evening.

Doctor won't keep you a moment. Would
you care to take a seat in the waiting

room? Oh, I don't.

You don't what?

Sit.

That's what I've come about.

I'll tell you what I think it is. I
think... Mr Moxon, don't worry about the

waiting room. Go straight through to the
surgery.

Just take a seat.

Stand up until I get there. Isn't there
a queue?

Jump it.

I wish I could.

Oh! Oh, Shane, that was really nice.

Don't sound so surprised.

Well, I'd better get back to work.

You know, I think I like Friday night
surgery the best. Why? What's so special

about it? There isn't another one until
Monday morning.

Oh, what an attitude.

They've all paid their stamps, you know.
Don't you feel the same? No, I do not

feel the same. I love my job. I do. I
really love it. It's so dramatic.

I mean, just think.

There might be somebody somewhere at
this very moment. moment dialing that

number, and I'm here waiting.

Oh, I was just going to put my kettle
on.

Doctor's surgery, what seems to be the
trouble?

Oh, hello, Mrs. Mason.

It's little Billy Mason's mother.

Oh, sooner you than me. I'll see you
later. Right.

Right, Mrs. Mason. Oh, Mrs.

Mason, do slow down.

He's got his, he's got his what? Stuck
up the what?

Hot or cold?

Oh, well, the first thing to do is
switch off the immersion.

And then the second thing, since you
asked me, I'd send for the plumber.

And try to look on the bright side, Mrs
Mason. You'll have the cleanest little

boy in Little Birch Mart.

Bye -bye, then.

Oh, I wonder if she's taken the plug
out.

I'd better just check.

I'll ring her.

Mason, Mason.

Oh, it's like the streets of San
Francisco.

Doctor's surgery, what seems to be the
trouble?

Oh, it's you.

I didn't answer upstairs, Mrs Price,
because I happen to be downstairs and

not a superwoman.

Anyway, now you're on. How are you?

You coming here?

When are you coming here?

Tomorrow? You can't... Look, Mrs Price,
I really don't think that...

Mrs Price, are you crying?

Oh, whatever's the matter?

What sort of problem?

Oh, well, if you can't, you can't. Look,
look, you have a nice hot drink and an

early night and we'll see you tomorrow
in time for lunch.

Right, goodbye, dear.

Bye -bye.

Tomorrow!

Now, let's see how good you are.

What's wrong? What's the matter?

Wait till I tell you. Did you press the
emergency button? Yes.

Why? Well, why do you think I've got an
emergency?

Where? Here.

No, your other mother just rang.

My other... Ida, do you mean you dragged
me out of surgery because my other...

Ida, I had just got Mr Moxon's trousers
down.

Well, he won't run away then, will he?

No, she's coming here. tomorrow in time
for lunch.

Come here?

My other mother? In person and in tears.

She says she's got a problem.

What sort of problem?

She wouldn't say over the phone and to
me that spells F -E -X.

Sounds more like T -A -X.

Was she very upset?

I told you she was in tears.

T -A -X.

Why do I have this horrible feeling that
you're wrong?

We'll talk about it later.

Now then, what was I going... Oh!

I don't know how I managed before I knew
about you.

Now what? Little Billy Mason.

What about him? How old is he?

Oh, ten, eleven.

Eh?

That's old to be sticking your toe up a
time.

I'm sure they won't be much longer, Ida.
Oh, you said that at one o 'clock and

it's ten to two now.

I'm sorry about this, Ida. And so I
should hope. Where is she now and what's

doing there apart from ruining my lunch?

She's in the bathroom, bathing her eyes
in cold water.

Well, tell her to come in here and bathe
them in cold soup.

Do we know what she's so upset about
yet?

No, she hasn't said yet. Well, it must
be something serious because she said

was pleased to see me.

Me? She's never said that before.

Oh, I'm sure she didn't mean it, Ida. I
think to pardon.

Well, she doesn't know what she's
saying. She just said I have a look of

father. Yes, well, in the right light,
just a minute, what does she know about

it? She never even knew your father.

I think she means my other father.

What, her old man? You're nothing like
him. Did you ever meet him, Ida? Yes, he

was quite nice looking.

Oh, thanks.

You're welcome.

Oh, and you're welcome too.

Come in and sit down, love.

That's right.

Would you like some nice cold soup?

Do you mind if I don't?

I'm not very hungry.

Do you mind if I do? I'm starving.

And your other mummy in the States, she
is.

Don't worry about me, Mrs Willis. I'll
be all right.

My pills should be working soon.

Pills? What pills?

Extract of lettuce.

My herbalist swears by them.

He says they'll make a new woman of me.

When?

How long have you been on them, Mother?

Ever since... Ever since you all left
me.

Alone in London.

Here when you're T -A -X.

Mother, you've got dozens of friends in
London.

Not real friends. Not true friends.

What about your bridge club? And your
flower arranging?

Don't you still do aerobics? And
pester... Visit that old people's home.

And what about your amateur operatic?

Remember West Side Story?

I want to be in America.

Shame. Okay, by me in America.

Shame. You're not helping.

Sorry, sorry.

It's just that... I prefer not to be
reminded of former triumph.

Former what?

We were there, you know.

I'm no longer a member of the Hod...
Hod?

Haringey Operatic and Dramatic Society.

Look here, she doesn't live in
Streatham.

But what went wrong? I mean, three
months ago, you were all keyed up to

Eliza in My Fair Lady.

Three months ago, Amy Dudley Rivers
hadn't moved to Haringey.

Amy Dudley who?

Rivers. She used to be with the Pods.

Come on, team.

Pinner. Poplar.

Beckham. Pinch.

We should have got that.

And now she's with the Hods, is she,
this Rivers woman?

Playing Eliza, which is ridiculous.

She's far too young for it.

But surely you're fine.

I still don't see the problem. Join
another society, one that will let you

Jemima.

Eliza.

Mind you, he has got a point. Why don't
you join the bods? Or the gods?

Or go it alone and join the tobs?

Mrs Willett, you're a genius.

Am I? You hold in one.

Have I?

I shall join the lobs.

Lobs?

Where would the lobs live, love?

Leave.

30 minutes on the bus lead.

It'll solve everything.

I should join the lot. Mum, mum, mum.

Hang about. You rehearsed these things
for over a year.

Practice makes perfect, Robert.

She forgets we saw her I .L .M. thing.

What about all your petrol, bombing up
and down the M1 three nights a week?

nights a week.

But I won't be bombing up and down,
dear, will I? Not if I'm living here.

What?

Living here?

I shall sell my flat, shake the dust of
London from my shoes and come to live

with you.

Mrs. Price.

Mrs. Willett, lend me a couple of
extracts of lettuce.

Just a minute.

How about telling her... What, what?
Telling her what?

No, she wouldn't believe it.

Unless, of course... Go on, go on.
Unless, of course, what?

No, it wouldn't work.

Look, something's got to work because
she's coming here to live.

Live! Not just to stay, she'll be the
first thing we see in the morning and

last thing we see at night.

Pass me that bottle.

There's nothing in my bag, I suppose.

My? What do you mean, my?

Well, supposing we got some?

Where from?

A mouse shop, of course.

If we got a mummy and a daddy... We'd be
overrun with the damn thing.

Well, yes, and she'd soon be on her way
back to London then, wouldn't she?

Not half as soon as I... I won't.

Anyway, carry on thinking.

I know it sounds a bit sneaky, but... I
like it already.

How about telling the Lord she can't
sing a note?

Well, they'll soon find that out for
themselves, won't they?

Anyway, I'll put it down. Ooh, I could
kill that Amy Dudley Rivers.

What good would that do?

I mean, she's not coming to live with us
just because she can't play Eliza with

the Hods, is she?

Well, I don't know why else she's
coming.

Oh, yes, she do, if you think about it.
She's coming because we're her family.

I beg your pardon.

I'm not her family.

I'm just the little woman that does.

And does. And does.

No wonder she wants to come and live
here. She's waited on her foot and

Well, take today.

What has she done? Well, I've run round
her.

Lulled about on the couch, writing
rustic verses.

Oh, speaking of which... Oh, Shane,
you've never whipped her notebook.

I didn't have to. She left it in the
lounge when she went to bed.

Listen to this.

Oh, for a life in the countryside.

For a life that is truly rural.

where the problems are all in the
singular and the pleasures are all in

plural.

Hey, that's not bad, is it?

I don't know. What does it mean?

Sounds rude to me.

No, she's talking about life in the
country, isn't she? Well, what does she

about it? She hasn't been here five
minutes, but I'll tell you something. If

ever she did come to live in the
country, she'd find us more to life than

pleasures. Whatever they may be.

Oh, you're right, Ange. It does sound
rude.

She thinks it's Camberwick Green, and it
is not.

It's early to rise in the morning, late
to bed at night, and breaking your back

in... Hang on, hang on.

Early to rise in the... Now, we're all
going to need our wellies.

Well, I wanted her out of earshot.
Remember last time? I could have danced

night. I think you'd better climb on
that roof, Robert.

Whatever for?

Well, she has got her window tight shut,
and if she doesn't hear you... Oh,

that's a point.

You'll have to do it loudly.

Really loudly.

I feel such a fool.

Now, look, you won't laugh, will you?
Now, would we?

Promise? Promise. Now, get on with it.
We'll be over there.

Oh, sure. Just give me time to get under
the table.

Get under the table?

So I can laugh while you pour it.

Oh, you're not still on about that.

We weren't laughing at you.

Oh, no.

Pull the other one. What were you
laughing at then?

Well, it was Angie, really.

Wasn't it Angie?

Was it? Yes.

Don't you remember?

You said, oh, Ida, look at all those
lovely mushrooms.

Or are they...

One way to find out, I'll cook them for
his other mummy's breakfast.

And we laughed and we laughed. I don't
remember any of that.

Eat your toast.

It's a good thing you weren't in the
secret army or God help Bernadette.

Where are you going? Back to bed.

She's coming down.

All right, don't panic.

Now, have you both got your storage
tray? I think so.

complicated. She's got a point, Ida. I
mean, why does it have to be a phantom

rooster? Because if it was a real
rooster, knowing her, she'd get a gun

shoot it.

And now are you off for bulletproof,
Batman?

I still think... Morning.

Hi, Mum.

Hi. Good morning. Do come and sit down,
dear.

Thank you. Did you have a good night?

I had a very short night. Why wasn't I
warned about that rooster?

Cock -a -doodle -doo. Cock -a -doodle
-doo at five in the morning.

Oh, dear.

Oh, this is awful.

What is?

Robert, why is Angela looking at me like
that?

Why are you looking at me like that?

Oh, they're just being silly, Mrs.
Price. Pay no attention to them. Tea or

coffee? But she heard it, Ida. She
actually heard it. Oh, she did, Ida. She

heard the phantom rooster.

Now, shut both of your... You're
upsetting your mummy.

Thought she heard it.

How do you like your egg?

I did hear it. I heard it distinctly.
Cock -a -doodle -doo, cock -a -doodle

-doo. And what did you mean, Robert?

Phantom rooster.

What do you think?

She'll have to be told.

I'm afraid she will.

You see, it all began in 1603.

What did?

Well, shut up and I'll tell you.

Do you think she believed us?

I'm not sure.

You can never really tell with her.

No, I know what you mean. The times I've
heard that voice say, what a pretty

frock. And seen those eyes say, ox
thumb.

Mind you, I don't see why she wouldn't
believe us. I thought we were most

convincing. Oh, we were.

Till you shoved in all those twiddly
bits.

What twiddly bits?

All that waffle about Oliver Cromwell
chopping off the rooster's head with a

rusty old sword.

Rusty, I said.

A rusty old sword.

And as for that poem, oh, you could have
warned me.

Well, as a matter of fact, I couldn't. I
made it up as I went along.

Obviously. He who hears the rooster
crow... Off to the churchyard he will

Well, what's wrong with that?

Well, it doesn't mean anything.

It must have meant something to her,
else why did her knuckles go white?

Perhaps she was trying not to laugh.

Any time for a cup of coffee, Ida? Oh,
I'll ring for the maid.

You put the kettle on and there might
be.

OK. Hey, what's she doing?

Who? Julie Andrews.

Oh, she's on the phone. Who to?

Well, I don't know. I don't listen in on
other people's phone calls.

Oh, well, it's lucky that I do, then.

You see, the great trick is to lift the
receiver off right quickly, like this.

Oh, and yes, and also I'd like half a
dozen cabbages and a banana.

Never mind.

Is everything all right, Mrs Price?

Yes, how are you feeling, Mum?

Irritated. I know they're part of
today's world, and I know I must learn

with the times, but I can't get used to
them. I simply can't. Used to what?

Oh, dear, what do they call the wretched
things?

Answer phones.

Oh, I rather like them.

There's nobody at the other end to
interrupt me.

Who were you ringing, Mother? The
Psychical Research Society.

The what?

I wanted to report my phantom rooster
and there's no -one in the office till

Monday.

What a way to run a railway.

It does give me more time.

What to do? Paint the waiting room?

To gather more information, Mrs Willis,
to amass more evidence.

I can't be the only person who heard
that rooster.

I have a feeling you might be.

I shan't be into lunch, Mrs Willis. I
may not be into tea. Where are you

Mother? Over hill, over dale, thorough
bush, thorough briar.

I'll cut you some sandwiches.

Thank you, Mrs Willis. Egg and crisps.

You must admit this is all very
exciting. And just when I was beginning

that life in the country might be rather
dull.

She was supposed to be white with
fright.

And halfway back to London.

Where did we go wrong?

I don't know about where, but I think I
know when.

All right, then when?

When it all began. In 1603.

one of these, Robert?

Oh, no, thanks. Not until I get some
food inside me. I know what you mean.

past caring.

Oh, good, you're open.

I'll have me second in with me first.

What do you think about that, then?

Whatever is it? Well, it's the curse,
isn't it? The curse of the phantom

rooster, Tarlow.

Ida? Now, look, your other mother is out
looking for evidence, right?

Right. Right. Well, I've made her some.

And that's real parchment, you know.
None of your vinyl rubbish.

It is, too. Hey, where did you get real
parchment from? That lampshade in the

spare bedroom.

Just look where the scissors cut in.

And I did the writing with cochineal.

So I see.

He who hears the rooster crow off to
the... Rooster?

Well, that's old -fashioned for rooster.

That's how they wrote their S's in them
days.

Like a... Oh, I see.

And what's this?

What? Oh, what does it look like?

Signed, Oliver Cromwell.

Sunday the 2nd of September.

Ida? Yes? Oh, sorry.

Sabot forming. What, love? Where did you
find this piece of parchment?

I told you, I made it out of a
lampshade.

No, no, no. I think auntie means where
are you going to say you found it?

Oh, um... Well, I'll say I found it this
morning where it had lain

undisturbed for hundreds of years.

Where's that? On top of the fridge?

Um, I found it under a floorboard in my
bedroom.

Which floorboard?

Oh, don't nitpick.

I'm sorry I've been so long, but, oh,
what a day I've had.

Would you like a drink, Mum? Oh, don't
tempt me, dear. Not when I have to

You're not going out again, are you?
We'll never get our supper at this rate.

Dear, I do hope this isn't going to be
too big a blow.

What? I can't stay here, dear.

What? I know I promised, and I do hate
to let you all down, but I can't. I'm

sorry, but I really can't.

Uh, Mrs. Price?

I've got to ask this. If it's about the
phantom rooster... No, it's not, Mrs

Willis. It's because of the headless
nun.

Oh, well, that's all right, then.

Because I couldn't have lived with
myself if I'd... Headless nun?

You mean you've never seen her?

Um, not so far, no.

Extraordinary, everyone else has.

Oh, but wait a minute. Perhaps you
haven't been here long enough. She only

on All Hallows' Eve.

When's All Hallows' Eve, please?

Someone's been winding you up, Mum.

I shan't tell the vicar you said that.

When's All Hallows' Eve, please?

He's seen her several times, searching,
always searching.

What for, I wonder?

Her head, I suppose.

Oh, no, dear, she knows perfectly well
where that is. In the graveyard with her

love child.

Oh, she's been taking her pleasures in
the plural.

Don't mock.

He didn't mean that.

Well, if no -one minds, I'll just nip
upstairs and pack before it gets dark.

Not that I'm scared. Do you want me to
go with you, Mother? Oh, no, dear. I'll

be all right. Old Mr Moxon gave me a
head of garlic.

Ah. Well, that explains one mystery.

Oh, she's going home, Anne. She's really
going home. I know. Isn't it great?

Robert. What?

If you ever do see the headless nun...
Yes?

...do say thank you, won't you? Oh, I'll
do better than that. I'll give her the

biggest...

Ida, what's the matter?

Nothing, nothing.

Hey, you're not scared, are you?

Scared? Me?

That'll be the day.

That's all right, then.

There's just one thing.

What?

Would you help me to move my bed?

Oh, fine. I'll do it after supper. Where
do you want it moving to?

Your room.

Our room? You don't mind, do you, Angie?

Um... Well, I mean, it's not that I'm
nervous. Honestly, it's... Doot, doot,

doot, doot.