Original subtitles

That's my boy.

Little donkey, little donkey, had a busy

day.

Little donkey, Carrie Mary, stably

on her way.

Ring out those bells tonight. I'm sorry to interrupt your practice.

Oh, why, Dad?

I was doing so well.

far before, not without any bum cords.

Bum cords?

Oh, and the staff still on the Christmas tree.

I want to know what you think about that.

What is it?

Well, I was going to ask you that.

Oh, it's a piece of wood.

Well, I know that.

And it's hideous. Yeah, I know that as well.

And, of course, it would be, wouldn't it? It's my Christmas present from your

other mummy.

And I'm writing me thank you letter.

I've got as far as, Dear Mrs Price, thank you so... much for my really

beautiful, and then I don't know what to put.

So is it what it is? Is it?

Yeah, look, the piece of the Mary Rose.

Oh, well, that's easy then, isn't it? Dear Mrs. Price, thank you so much for

really beautiful piece of the Mary Rose.

You mean that shape, that sound with all hands?

And feet, yeah.

It's the piece of the original Timbers.

It is. It is.

Oh, put it down. Don't touch it.

Why not?

You never know where it's been.

Yes, we do. It's been at the bottom of the sea for hundreds of years.

With all those poor dead sailors.

Oh, go and wash your hands, love. It might be covered in scurvy.

Ida, that ship was Henry VIII's pride and joy.

And he were no better than he should be.

I dread to think what he was covered in.

Oh, what a thing to give somebody for Christmas.

It's morbid.

And you, at least you don't make a noise.

Meaning? Nothing.

Good. Little donkey, little donkey, had a

busy day.

No, brother. Good.

Little donkey, I said good, Harry, Harry.

Oh, who's that?

I'll go.

Lovely.

Hey, Ed, I'm getting it. I'm really getting it. Listen to this.

Super, darling.

Darling. I hadn't started yet.

Before you do, I met Major Miller in the lift.

Ah, yes. Groped you, did he?

I'd rather he had.

Oh, that's very nice.

Well, nicer than being told that he's fed up to the back teeth with your

donkey. Fed up to the back teeth with my... I hope you told him that I was

practising for the hospital concert.

Yes. What did he say?

God help the patient.

What a nerve. I wouldn't mind, but he has Radio 3 on full blast all day. Yes.

that Radio 3 does know more than one piece of music.

So do I know more than one piece of music.

Dear love, then you'd better start playing it, because that was Lady White

the door, accompanied by Miss Falkender, and they are thick to the back teeth of

little donkey.

Well, I hope you told them where to go. I did.

To the chemist for some earplugs.

They're getting me some as well.

Major Miller's been complaining too.

Silly old fool.

Now, Shane, he does have a point, you know. I mean, he's only at the other

of that.

Right, so he is.

And he wants another piece of music, does he?

Right.

He always goes wrong there.

It's much better, Shane.

Much better, love.

I'm only closing this because of the draft.

We ought to tell him the truth, really, Orton. We ought to tell him he's awful.

What's the point? He wouldn't believe us.

He might believe the audience when they start throwing things.

I'll die if they do. I will. I'll die.

Then go prepared.

Wear your black.

Not another neighbour.

I've no idea we had so many.

They're shoe -dorses, don't they?

Oh, Dr Bill, come in. How nice. I'll put the kettle on. The goby is in the

lounge. Now, Ida, I can't stay for long because I'm back on duty at six, but I

do want a quick word with Robert.

Well, do me a favour. Make it a slow word.

What do you mean? Give us a restroom, little donkey.

Oh, practicing hard, is he? Well, put it like this. The four surrounding flats

are up for sale. But he's happy.

Is he?

Well, you go in and see for yourself.

See you later.

Little donkey.

Oh, I dare not you as well.

Say that again.

Thifter Murphy is singing Little Donkey.

My little donkey? Yeah.

Big Sister Murphy? Yes.

OK, OK, no hassle.

I'll sing my other song. Your other song?

Why not? One of the porters is doing that. Oh, no.

I'm out of the concert, then. No, you're not out of the concert, Robert. Here we

are. I'm afraid it's mince pies and Christmas cake.

And will be until Easter. Never mind, the tea's hot.

Ida. Do you take sugar, Dr. Bill? No, thanks, Ida. I'm out of the concert.

I wish I didn't. I've tried those sweetener things, but... Out of the

Oh, hi, Bill. Hi, Ange. Never mind the hi, Bill, hi, Ange. He's out of the

concert, Ange. He's what?

I am, Ange. I'm out of the concert.

But that's awful.

He wasn't that terrible, was he?

Well... You're not out of the concert, Robert. Not unless you want to be.

just got to find another act.

Like what? At three days' notice?

Up to you, old mate. Anything you like. Look, I'm going to be getting back, so

give me a buzz when you've made up your mind, all right?

Hey, where did you get that from?

Believe it or not, the Mary Rose.

The Mary Rose? I saw them raise that. It was great.

And it's the piece of... Do you like it? Oh, I think it's hideous. It's a piece

of history, this.

It is all yours.

Shane, you don't mind if I give him your other mummy's food? I've got it! I've

got it!

I know what I'll do.

I'll juggle.

Juggle?

Yes, juggle.

Can you juggle?

Oh, either anyone can juggle. Look!

I'll be all right with plates.

Right, are you both ready?

What about you, Angie?

Okay. We're ready.

Right. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time on any stage, I will

attempt the impossible.

Is he going to spit in his own ear?

Either. This requires great concentration.

Sorry. Right. On three.

One. Two.

Shane. What?

Those are my last three plays.

Which are in no danger. And one, two, three.

Are we off to sources, Ida?

I'll go.

I better know who it is. Who? There in the flat below.

Saying if it's all right to us, can we go back to Little Donkey?

Why? juggling, Shane? Why not something simple, like knife throwing?

Hey! Oh, no, Robert!

I'm coming, I'm coming.

Good King Wenceslas, on the feast of Stephen.

Go on.

I don't know anymore.

Well, come back when you've learnt the rest.

Don't be hostile, our Ida. It does things to your face.

I've brought you this.

What is it? Your Christmas card.

On the 28th of December?

Well, better late than never.

Oh, give it here.

£1 .60.

Shocking, wasn't it? Not really, Wilfred. Not when the 60's in pencil and

pound's in ink.

The verse is beautiful. Have a read.

In each man's life, one woman reigns supreme.

above all other.

She's gentle, kind, and loving, too.

She is his grey -haired mother.

Now, look here.

Happy Christmas. Get on.

Look, I know what you're going to say, but I couldn't find one that said

You might have done if you'd tried before Christmas.

Where's my present?

I knew I'd forgotten something.

Don't bother. Go back and get it. I don't listen.

Come in, then.

Grey -haired mother in bed.

Go on.

Juggling? Why juggling?

Because no -one else was doing it. Well, I don't suppose anyone else was doing a

high -wire act.

Hey! Yeah, that's good.

I'm afraid it's mince pies and Christmas cake again.

And I'm sorry, but there are no plates. I don't suppose you've got any clogs,

have you?

Instead of plates? Look, I'm talking to my nephew.

How about a clog dance?

A clog, darling? Yes, it's dead easy.

Look, I'll show you.

I'll just roll me trousers up so that you can see me feet.

Oh, do we have to? Oh, Wilfred, put those little white legs away.

I'm just showing him, that's all. Right, now watch this.

Get off!

Daisy, Daisy, give me your afternoon.

It's simplicity itself.

You have a go.

Me? Yes, go on.

Well...

Hopeless.

All right, give me a chance.

Show me again.

It's pointless.

You haven't got it, lad.

It's not there.

These things can skip a generation.

Now, our Ida, she's got it.

Oh, well, pretty.

Yes, we used to do it at parties, didn't we, Ida? We were famous for it.

What else did you do at parties?

Now, there's a question.

Let me think.

I'll tell you what we did do, and you could do it too, lad. What?

A mind -reading act.

Hey, I've forgotten all about that.

What is going on?

Watch this.

Ta -da!

It's five past, ten past and quarter past.

Ida, is there any more coffee in the pot?

Ida! Hmm?

Is there any more coffee in the pot? No.

Where have they got to? Well, he's still teaching her the codes.

They've done watches.

The time is passing. Right.

And now pocket calculators. What does all this add up to?

Right. And now they're going to do... Don't tell her. She's got to get it.

Are you ready, Madam Zelda?

At your command, Professor.

Now I've forgotten your name.

Oh, no, I don't believe it.

Negretko, and I have in my hand an object of... Oh, yes.

Mind -blowing beauty.

What can it be?

What can it be?

What can what be, Wilfred?

If she gets it wrong again, I'm packing me bags.

Mind -blowing.

Oh.

Time is passing means you're holding a watch, doesn't it? Yeah.

And what can all this add up to means you're holding a pocket calculator,

doesn't it? Yeah, yeah.

So mind -blowing means you're holding... Go on, Ant.

It's the rain in Spain, this.

Mind -blowing.

It's not a trumpet, is it?

I'll make another pot of coffee.

It's a handkerchief, love, but you're doing your best.

I'm not in a time warp, am I?

Oh,

hi, Ida. Why are you playing that?

Old times, Blake.

You're not going back to it, are you? I just wish I could.

Now, you mustn't be despondent. I know Angie's not what you'd call a natural

mind reader, but given time and patience... We're not doing it either.

What? We talked it over in bed last night, and it's a non -darter.

Well, it was. I was asking a lot of her, I know that. But you were so looking

forward to it. It's not the end of the world. You never know, Mr Murphy might

down with typhoid.

Or you might find another partner.

I've got another partner, Ida. The concert's tomorrow night.

Where am I going to find another partner who knows the patter, who knows the

codes, who knows the... You wouldn't.

I might, if you ask me nicely.

Oh, Ida, I love you. Come here.

Oh, Professor Negresco and me and me dressing gown.

Mummy's little say.

22, 22 and 5 to 7.

I'm so nervous.

Don't be, they'll be all right.

The bit must hit.

Tell you what, open these.

Oh, Wilfred, how sweet of you.

Well, you're worth it.

Fell before December 1980.

It's a vintage year for chocolates.

Can I have the hazel cluster?

Who? Oh, come in, Ida.

You don't like it. I do. It's great. It's great. It's just not quite what I

expecting. Well, it's all they have left at the high shop.

Well, this and Charlie Chaplin.

Is it all right?

I told you, it's fine.

Now, look, I've got the mask.

Bill is collecting the mystery objects from the audience.

We will get the right mystery objects, won't he? He won't let us down.

Of course he won't. I gave him the lift, myself.

Watch, calculator, hanky, gallstone... Oh, gallstone.

I feel sick.

When do we go on?

Any minute now, I think. We follow the little donkey.

What with the bucket and shovel?

Do you know, I feel quite nervous.

There's no need to.

Who is it?

Oh, hi, Jane. Where are they up to? This must be to start a little donkey. The

bill says make sure you're ready.

Right, thanks, Jane.

Ready, Ida? As I ever will be. Just let me run over the objects again.

Watch... Pocket calculator, handkerchief. The handkerchief's mine.

with a J in the corner.

Pink with a J in the corner.

Thanks, Lord. And the gallstone came from... I don't want... After you,

Professor Negresco.

Gallstone, indeed.

I do not like what I am seeing.

What are you seeing, Madam Zelda?

Can Madam Zelda say?

Can Madam Zelda see?

I am seeing pine and suffering and long, long knives.

It is plain now.

It's Goldstone.

And now, Madam Zelda... Do no memento, silver play.

I wish to clear my mind of this Goldstone.

It is going.

It is going.

It is gone.

And now I am ready for anything.

Ladies and gentlemen, absolute silence, please, while Madame Zelda attempts to

pierce the dark clouds of the unknown.

It's a hypodermic fringe.

I hadn't even picked it up yet.

How about that, ladies and gentlemen? I hadn't even picked it up, but... Yes,

here it is.

Hounded in by one of you in a vain attempt to baffle the unbafflable, to

the unfoilable, to mystify the unmystifiable.

Shane, I mean, Professor, I'm inclined to momentum.

Madame Zelda is still on the stage, so don't hog her limelight.

It is a long way home to Budapest, and my powers is fading.

Hang on in there, Madam Zelda.

There is only one more object left.

One final object.

Okay, but pronto, pronto, prego.

The bar is closing at five past ten.

One last effort then, Madam Zelda.

One last try to raise the curtain of the dark.

It's a Venetian blind.

Let a chink of light shine through.

It's a faulty Venetian blind.

It's my little joke.

So laughing, please.

I told you there'd be as much as.

Thank you, Peter. And now, now, I concentrate.

You are holding the object in your mitt.

I am holding it now.

What can it be?

What can it be?

Can Madame Zelda say? Can Madame Zelda see with her mind -blowing powers? It

is difficult.

My mind -blowing powers is fading.

It is the final object, Madame Zelda. Don't fail us now.

Madame Zelda never fails.

It is a handkerchief.

It is a pink handkerchief. And in the corner is a letter.

J.

How about that, ladies and gentlemen? One pink handkerchief, and in the

corner... Yes!

The letter J!

A great finish to a great performance. And on behalf of Madam Zelda and myself,

Professor Negretko, allow me to say... Hold it there, Professor. Ladies and

gentlemen, shall we give the little lady one last challenge?

What? What?

OK with you, Professor?

I... Madam Zelda is very tired. Just to prove that there's no fixing going on.

Madam Zelda, I don't know how you feel about this.

Don't you, you should.

Here you go, Professor.

And the best of Hungarian luck. I won't forget this.

Good grief.

Well, Madam Zelda, what has the good doctor given me to hold?

Can Madam Zelda say?

Can Madam Zelda see?

A glass eye?

No, Madam Zelda, it is not a glass eye.

Don't push your powers.

This hideous object... Hideous? I wouldn't want you to

think otherwise.

Wouldn't what? Oh, let me think, let me think.

Right on, Madam Zelda, keep thinking.

For the present, keep thinking.

A hideous wooden present.

Thinking?

Am I right in thinking I hear the screams of the matlows as they

sink to the bottom of the sea?

Oh, you are, Madam Zelda, yes, you are.

So, what do I have in my hand?

It's a piece of history.

It's a piece of the good ship Mary... Ow!

I've got a splinter. Where?

Are you saying, Madam Zelda?

No, Madam Zelda, let's... Oh, shame, that's really nasty.

I dance.

Well, I need hot water and tweezers. Is there a doctor in the house?

That's my boy.

That's my boy.