Original subtitles

My boy.

Who invented late -night shopping? Oh, stop moaning. You're glad enough to eat

it when it's cooked.

Don't look at me. I'm cooking nothing till I've had a drink, spent a penny and

had another drink.

Oh, well, open the door.

Let me find the key.

It's already open.

It can't be.

It is.

Who was the last one out?

I shut the door.

You can't have done.

I shut the door.

And I turned the light out. I saw her do that.

And I saw you shut the door.

You don't think it's a burglar? Well, I don't think it's Jehovah's Witnesses.

I'd better overlook and see if anything's been taken. Darling, do be

might still be in there. I don't want you hurt.

I'll be all right.

Then kiss me goodbye.

I don't know what comes over you two on a Friday.

I'll do so. Him out.

All six of him.

Ah, yes.

Perhaps we'd better call the police. We don't want anyone hurt, do we? Oh, get

out of the way.

Mind you, there's no point in taking chances.

Look, pass me that French roll. No.

You can't let her go in by herself.

I'm not going to.

Hand me that cucumber.

There's somebody in there.

How do you know?

I can see the back of his head.

Is he big?

Yes, if he's sitting down. No, if he's standing up.

Are we going to rush him? No, no, no. I've got a better idea. You're going in

alone. I'm not, you know.

All right, sergeant. How many men have we got?

Six, sir.

Well, that should settle his hash.

Settle his hash?

Don't hurt him any more than you have to, men.

Use the butts of your guns.

On three.

One.

I can't see the back of anyone's head. He's jumped out of the window.

What, and shut it behind him?

Hang about.

Half whip it, half woodbine.

I might have guessed.

Wilfred!

Hello, Ida.

Hello, all. You count yourself lucky. We could have put you in hospital.

Ever heard of a cucumber fracture?

to sit down. You see? You see what you've done?

When did you give him a key?

The same day they gave him the Nobel Peace Prize.

He hasn't got a key.

That's all right. Don't need one.

My nail file's good enough.

Ida, don't you think we ought to get the lock changed?

What for?

That's a good lock, that is. It's burglar -proof.

Oh, yes?

Then how did you get in?

Oh, the nail file. I told you that.

But he had a long day.

Well, I...

Are you all right now, darling? Oh, yes. My knees have stopped shaking.

Don't ever do that again, Wilfred. Next time we'll call the police and they

won't use the French loaf. Well, all I did was drop in. All you did was break

in. Well, I'm family.

Unfortunately. Here you are, love. Extra strong. Thank you. And one for my brave

boy. It was nothing. Oh, and here at last is mine.

You've let me out.

I know.

I'm parched.

Oh, give him a drink, Ida. Let him get his own. Oh, thanks, Arshane.

Oh, dear.

Got enough there, have you?

Oh, I think so.

I'm driving.

Now then, do you want to hear me happy news?

Oh, get your black bag out.

He's pregnant.

Well, I am in a way. I'm going to have a son -in -law.

When? A week tomorrow.

What's he talking about?

Well, it's our morning. She's taking a plunge.

Not a moment too soon.

How old are the twins?

Well, they'll be nine in August.

Both of them.

The bubby's rising one.

Is there going to be a white wedding?

Well, of course. Our morning never does anything beyond.

Hence the twins.

Well, the daddy's been very good about it.

Magnanimous, our morning calls him.

Not what I'd call him if it saddled me with twins.

He's giving our Maureen away.

Giving her away?

But isn't it him she's marrying?

Oh, no.

They're not compatible.

Well, they must have been once.

Who is she marrying?

Well, you remember that steel band that played at the Jubilee Street party?

She's never marrying a band.

Only the drummer.

Mind you, she's close to them all, you know.

Oh, yes.

Yes, her social worker said that it's about time she made a choice.

Well, I'm very glad she has, and I hope the sun shines for her. But I've got to

get the supper ready.

Oh, what are we having?

Steak and chips, the minute you leave.

And I came here in the spirit of friendship.

Meaning? Well, I brought the invites.

There we are.

One each, you see. Oh, deckle edges. My goodness, she's doing it right. I'll say

that for her.

The Earl and...

Countess of Morton Gossage requests... No, no, no, on the back, on the back.

That's more like it. Felt -tip pen and a beer stain.

How did you come by these?

A drink with the printer.

It's very nice of you to invite us to Maureen's wedding, isn't it, Robert?

Yes, unfortunately... Now, here's the present list.

One each, there we are.

All available at Harrods.

Or Woolworths.

What do you think, Robert? I'd like to get a... The tea towel's already spoken

for. But the fitted kitchen with double oven isn't.

Nor is the avocado bathroom suite with gold -plated taps.

I suspect you'll be giving them that.

This is difficult, isn't it? What do you give a bride with three children?

A route map to the family planning clinic.

Robert. Oh, all right. Let's have a look at the list.

A frying pan. That was lucky.

I missed the home sauna by a fraction of an inch.

We can't give them a frying pan. People will be pointing at us all afternoon.

Look at them with all their money and they only gave a frying pan.

I'd die.

You aren't seriously considering going to this wedding, are you? I'm looking

forward to it.

I love weddings.

Milk salmon, champagne, grey toppers.

At the Philadelphia Hall canning town.

It'll be brown ale, jelly deals and chase me Charlie hat.

That sounds super.

Will there be pink lamange?

Angie, we are not going.

You're not on duty. I've checked.

Good. I watch World of Sport.

You don't even know what's on.

I don't care what's on. Anything's better than Maureen's wedding to a

a steel band.

She'll probably walk down the aisle to the Banana Boat song.

You're a snob.

Me? A copper -bottomed snob.

If we had another bedroom, I'd go and lie awake in it.

I'll tell you something, shall I, Angie? If you do go to this wedding, you'll go

on your own. I'll go with Ida. You won't, you know.

I saw her face when she read the invitation.

That was surprise.

That was shock.

Look, where's my library book?

Come in.

Oh, Ida, have you seen my library book?

Going somewhere nice?

I just want to know what you think about my hat.

It's not too big, is it? Because if there's a little kiddie sitting in the

behind, and there'll be a lot of little kiddies at this wedding, one way or

another. Oh, Ida, you're going. I'm so glad.

See? Well, of course I'm going. She's our Wilfred's eldest.

And I've got a nasty feeling I'm her godmother.

But what I'm wondering is, what shall I wear? What are you two wearing?

Nothing. Oh, well, I hope it keeps fine for you.

I'll bring me boxed brownie.

What do you mean, nothing?

We're not going, Ida. You're not on duty, I've checked.

He'd rather watch World of Sport.

Well, he can't.

Right, now, we'll go in your car.

I know it's small, but I needn't put me hat on till we get there.

But, Ida, I'm not going. Now, where is that book?

I took it back to the library.

But I haven't finished it. Well, I had, and it was filthy.

I didn't want you reading it.

There were three words that I had to look up.

Now, sit down. I want to go to bed. Sit down!

You're wasting your time, Ida. He won't go.

Why? Go on. Why?

Because I don't want to.

Weddings aren't my thing.

Some are.

If that invitation had been from the Earl and Countess of Who's It and What's

It, you'd be brushing your topper now.

I'm going to sleep. Good night.

I'm sorry, Ida.

Does that mean you'll help me to change his mind?

I don't see how I can.

Well, for starters, withhold his marital rights.

Till a week tomorrow.

Oh, you're going to be a fat lot of help. Good night.

Morning.

Don't look at me like that, Ida. You're either for me or against me. And you're

against me.

How many eggs?

Two, please. And I'm not against you.

I did what you said last night.

You mean about... Yes.

I got into bed.

Risky. But go on.

I said, before you ask me, Robert, the answer's no.

It doesn't happen, does it?

Oh, well.

Oh, times have changed.

Anyway. You said no. What did he say?

Nothing. He was asleep.

Ah, yes, but you both wake up early. What about this morning?

Oh, I didn't think morning counted.

Oh, well, we're back to square one then, aren't we?

Good morning.

Right back.

Here's your toast.

I don't like burnt bacon.

Well, tough cheddar.

I'm getting married in the morning.

Would you like one of my eggs?

Blackleg.

Look, you won't starve me into going to this wedding.

We will now she knows that mornings count.

Mornings count?

Angie!

It just came up in conversation.

Well, don't let it again.

So you're going to starve me and you're going to... Fine.

Fine. I can get all I want at the hospital.

What does that mean?

Egg, chips and a red -headed nurse?

That is a very good idea.

Now, what's the matter with you?

I don't want to lose him.

What to?

Canteen cooking and love in a sluice room?

He'll be putting in our...

The chap left this.

Oh, what is it?

Oh, it's the buttonholes.

Oh, aren't they all nice?

And aren't they all pink?

What's wrong with that?

Can I have a piece of your toast?

No. Oh, well.

No.

Hello. Do you like it?

Oh, it's beautiful.

And you're beautiful, isn't she, Shane?

A bit dressy, isn't it, for the Philadelphian hall?

I don't want to let you down.

I'll be the proudest woman there.

I'd be prouder still if my son was with me.

Oh, don't start all that again. And why did you get three buttonholes?

Because you never know where you'll look till the ball stops rolling.

Oh, the buttonhole's here. Mine's a white gardenia.

Um, well, there's been a bit of a mishap. There seems to have been a run

white gardenias.

What have they sent instead?

Pink carnations.

How pink?

This pink.

I'll show you something, shall I?

Now you see it, now you don't. I can't wear it, and I can't go without a

Oh, all this fuss over a white whatever it was. What was it?

Gardenia, as if you cared.

Oh, I'd better go and mop her up before I put my froth on. Well, if I'm not

back, have a nice day.

Where are you going?

Get some more beer in. Should be a good game this afternoon.

Oh, should it?

Well, give this to the man of the match.

to keep you waiting, love. I had a bit of trouble with Miss Ip.

What's all this? What have you been doing?

I'm not picking all this lot up.

Look, do you think I should ring for a taxi?

I'll need a couple of minutes.

You'll need a couple of hours.

Oh, I thought you were putting the blue on.

I did. It wasn't weddingy enough.

Well, neither is that.

Oh, put something on.

Oh. Look, you must have at least 50 outfits here.

53. I've just counted.

Well, you sit down. I'll pick something out for you. Here.

How about this?

I never wear that.

Then why did you buy it?

To take round wallpaper shops.

To take round... It's exactly what I want for the bathroom.

Oh, how lovely. Well, when we get back, I'll paste it up.

Ah, yes. Now, flip into this.

You can't wear green to a wedding. Why not?

It's supposed to bring the bride back.

The bridegroom will do that, love, with or without your frock.

Oh, well, put something on.

Oh, I'll wear the blue two -piece.

The one you've just taken off?

Yeah. Oh, well, while you're putting the skirt on, I'll just pin this to the

jacket. I'll look like a baby arrival card.

Don't give our Maureen ideas.

Oh, he's back with his cans of beer.

We left ten minutes ago.

Now, don't be nice to him. We haven't time.

I didn't realise there were so many flower shops.

Flower shops?

Well, this do.

Oh, Ida, look, it's a white gardenia. The last in London. Oh, darling, thank

you, thank you.

What are you doing?

I can wear the pink now.

Oh, I could eat you.

Oh, when, where's that taxi?

What taxi? The one I rang for. I didn't ring, did I? Oh, what time do you make

it? Quarter to two. So do I. Look, I'll go down to the corner and flash... one

down. Ask the whole porter to get you one. No, thank you. I don't like the way

he looks at me legs.

Why on earth does he look at you?

How does he look at your legs?

Lustfully.

Look, if we don't get a taxi, Sharpish, we'll be late for the ceremony.

As it is, we'll get a terrible seat.

Why don't I drive you?

Because you'd drive away again, leaving everybody wondering why.

But they will anyway.

They'd better not.

One word against you and they'll have me to contend with.

Oh, you know you're a snob and I know you're a snob, but just let anybody try

saying so.

I'm not your mother for nothing.

Look, you'll find me on the corner watching all the cabs go by and hurry

I'm ready now!

Oh, my words, you can shift when you have to.

How do we look?

Smashing. I'm proud of both of you. I wish I could say the same for you.

Thanks for the gardenia.

Enjoy the match. Angie.

Come on!

Bye.

Oh, no, what a mess.

Oh, no, the pressure cooker.

He's been called back to the hospital.

He's got to do an emergency brain transplant.

Will it take long?

Oh, you never know with brain transplants.

I didn't know he did operations.

Oh, all the time. I'm sick of washing his whites.

Well, it's going to cause a lot of disappointment.

Why? Well, they're looking forward to meeting the doctor. We've never had a

doctor in the family before.

Got her stockings down.

So she has.

What's that in here, doll?

Well, she's hoping he'll have a look at her veins.

Well, I'm glad he didn't come.

You can pull them up again, Edie.

Clinic's cancelled.

It was a lovely wedding, Wilfred. Except when the bridegroom changed our will.

Yes, his tongue wasn't the only thing that slipped.

wives are here.

But you never married Elder.

Oh, no more it did.

But she is our morning's mum.

So she has forgotten that.

Oh, she's pointing her parrot at me. Over here.

Fancy having a white elephant, Dawn, at a wedding.

It's the present.

Now, do I see what you mean?

No, sir.

Oh, the... Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

What are you looking for?

Our pressure cooker.

It should be right at the front.

I am that girl's godmother.

Well, who did you give it to when you brought it in? Well, I didn't bring it

did I? You brought... We've never left it on the bed.

Good, if I hadn't said it was in the middle of an operation.

You didn't come and you came.

And having come, look what you've come out.

What do you have to put that lot on for? What will people think?

Hello, I, Shane.

How did the transplant go?

Oh, full and one.

Pardon?

No, look, I'll tell him.

Spare your blushes.

They gave him a gold medal.

Never did.

Let's see it.

Oh, he couldn't bring it with him. I mean, he couldn't carry it. Not that and

the pressure cooker as well.

Oh, our elder was asked. Ask him where your present was.

Told you so.

Well, take it over and tell her to cook a parrot.

I'm glad you came, Shane.

I want you to do us a favour.

Deliver Maureen.

Oh, Ida.

I wonder what he wants Robert to do.

Pay for the wedding, I shouldn't wonder.

He wanted him to come. Yes, but not dressed like that.

I mean, everybody's laughing at him. Look at them all.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm happy to say that the toast to the

bride and the lucky groom... Pick him up, somebody.

Doctor, what's your name, Shane?

Robert. No, your second name, your maiden name.

Oh, Price.

Oh, by Dr.

Price. Not now, Edie.

Pull him up again.

He'll die.

Yes, and so will I. Look at them all, waiting for the word.

Ladies and gentlemen, Maureen and Winston.

Oh, peace, Martin.

Peace. This is a very happy occasion for all of us. The whole family gathered

here together to wish Maureen and Winston every happiness.

She's doing it beautifully.

So far.

So let's just do that, shall we? The bride and groom.

The bride and groom.

And just one more thing. Oh, shut up. Quit while you're ahead.

Some of you may not know who I am, so I'd better tell you.

I'm Ida Thun.

That's my mother over there, looking wonderful.

And I'm very proud of her.

What did he say?

You heard him. What do you say?

Well, what can I say?

Everybody!

Everybody!