Original subtitles

That's my boy.

started yet.

No, it's just going to. I've switched on. Oh, lovely.

I've got the chocolates. They're all soft -scented so we don't have to look

down. I don't want to miss a minute.

I wonder if I've ever seen this before. I don't remember it. Oh, you would if

you'd seen it before.

It's unforgettable.

Betty Davies at the peak of her powers.

And Paul Enreid. Ooh.

It's the one where he lights two cigarettes at once.

Heavy smoker, was he?

Now, if you're going to be facetious, you can take that book and go and read

another room.

Sorry, sorry.

Oh, and the end.

Oh, I can't wait for the end.

Neither can I. I'm warning you.

She turns to him and she looks deep into his eyes and she says... You smoke too

much.

She says, don't let's ask for the moon.

We've been given the stars.

Yuck.

Know what?

What she says. I mean, it's a silent film.

It didn't.

It didn't a silent film.

Have you been twiddling those knobs?

No, I haven't touched it. Have you?

No. Oh, don't tell me that set's gone wrong again. The first time for weeks

there's been anything worth watching. Oh, I'll have a go. Don't you touch it.

You'll only make it worse.

All right, then, clever clogs, you make it better.

I will in a minute.

That's what I'm hoping.

Two cigarettes at one.

Oh, I'll do it myself.

Don't worry, Angie, I know exactly what you do. You bonk it twice on this side,

you count to four and then you bonk it once on top, like this.

The pitch is gone now.

I can see.

Just as well there was nothing worth watching.

Oh, if it had been the cup final, it would have had this set a bit.

Do you think...

Oh, not a hope.

But it's only 20 past eight.

What's that got to do with it?

Well, what are we going to do for the rest of the evening?

You'll go to bed early.

Must we? I'm awfully tired.

Oh, not a peep.

Call yourself a doctor.

I am a doctor.

Then cure that.

I don't want to cure it.

Meaning it can't. Meaning I'm glad it's back.

You're both getting far too dependent on it. It's a 20 -part date. What are we

going to do for the rest of the evening?

What do you think people did before television was invented?

I've no idea.

Well, you must have some idea either. You're old enough.

How nicely you put things.

Well, let me cut me mind back.

Oh, I can see it all.

Me sitting in the cave, waiting while me fella brings mecabrontosaurus for me

supper.

There's always been television.

Of course there hasn't.

Well, there's always been wireless.

Charles Dickens didn't have a wireless.

Oh, too mean to pay the licence, was it?

There was no wireless. It hadn't been invented.

Oh, was that why you wrote all those rotten old books?

People used to make their own entertainment.

We're back to the brontosaurus.

They used to write books, paint pictures, stand around the piano and

have friends around.

We could have friends around.

Oh, yes.

And who's going to be responsible for the sandwiches?

It all falls on me, you know.

Anyway, what friends?

What difference does it make? Friends, people, invite them round, make them

welcome.

Oh, who the hell's that?

What difference does it make? Invite them in, make them feel welcome.

I'm not going.

Oh, all right, I'll go.

Do you keep ringing doorbells at all hours of the night?

Don't forget to make a few welcomes in.

Hello, hello, hello.

Hello.

What do you want?

Well, do you know I want anything?

I'm psychic.

What do you want? Well, I just want to watch the match, that's all.

What match? England v Spain.

That's not on tonight, is it? Nine o 'clock.

We've just got half an hour. To pour the beer?

To mend the set.

Hold on to this little screw, and whatever you do, don't forget where it

from. I don't know where it came from.

You mean you didn't watch me take it out?

As the flasher said to the old lady.

Wilfred! Oh, well.

I'm wasting my time here. I'll never get that fixed.

Then go somewhere else.

Well, there's nowhere else I can get cooler.

Well, what's wrong with the Duke of Wellington?

Well, you have to buy a drink to watch there.

Oh, how dreadful.

Oh, don't force yourself.

I'm skint. Well, then go home and watch it at your Maureen. I can't do that. Why

not? Well, they've repossessed the telly.

Oh, that's awful.

Poor Maureen with all those children. What will she do?

Go to bed early and have a few more.

I said to her, you know, it shouldn't mess about with rented sets.

I said, I'll get you one of your own, I said, for next to nothing.

The way you'd get it, why next to nothing?

What's wrong with nothing?

It'd fall off the back of a lorry.

Well, I've got to see the driver right first.

And see your Maureen right second.

She's a good girl to you, is your Maureen.

Oh, go on, be a devil, buy her a set.

Well, I would, but I'm on a fixed income.

Felix Dinkum, I thought you were on the dole.

Well, it's no laughing matter being on the dole, Ida. I can tell you that.

I'd give my right arm for a steady job.

Do you mean that?

Here's the arm. Where's the job?

At the hospital. You can start Monday.

What do you mean? There's a porter's job going. I'm sure I can swing it your

way. That's great.

Wilfred, you've got a job.

Not yet, he hasn't. Hospital porter?

Oh, well, you see, the thing about that is that I've got to... Listen, get near

the wheels going round.

I've got to wear overalls, haven't I?

Yes. What's wrong with that? I'm allergic.

To overalls?

It's original.

All right, let's give it a try. I'll plug it in.

Oh, look, a little light came on. Where? There.

I think I've fixed it. Oh, wonderful. Bring your chair over here, love.

Oh, look, look, he's just coming to the good bit.

We'll turn over to the match at nine.

It won't, you know.

Look, look, a cigarette for him and a cigarette for her.

He's getting his lighter out.

Oh, he's flicking it. Look, haven't you?

I'm not sorry I missed that match.

Fame won.

Did they?

Well, Betty Davies lost.

Bye, darling.

Bye. Bye, Ida. Bye -bye, love. Have a nice day.

You never say that to me.

I don't, do I? And get your elbows off the table.

What? I thought you'd gone, what?

You won't forget to ring that man, will you? What man? The telly man.

Tell him if we convict the set -by tonight, I'll give him a great big...

do.

Bye.

You are going to ring that man about the television, aren't you? Yes. I can rely

on that, can I? Yes. Because it's seven brides for seven brothers tonight, and

if you don't think you can get near to a telephone... I will get near to a

telephone. I may leave a patient with his tonsils hanging out, but I will get

a phone.

Are you sure you wouldn't rather I did it?

I'll do it, right?

Oh, if you say so.

I do say so. Goodbye.

Shame!

Now what?

Have a nice day.

I'm a lonesome pole.

Lonesome, sad and blue.

It's me singing that lures them in.

Oh, good morning, madam. Morning.

Excuse me asking.

But was that you singing so beautifully just now?

Well, there's nobody else at home.

Oh, really?

You've got a lovely voice.

Oh, thank you very much.

But you didn't ring my doorbell just to tell me that.

Oh, no, you're quite right. I've come to have a look at your sockets.

Your what?

The sockets, madam.

Electrics.

Oh, you're the man for the television.

What? Well, I wasn't expecting you till much later in the day, if at all.

He must have... wrong you the minute he got to work.

Oh, he did. Yes, yes, he did, yes. And as I was going to be in the area anyway,

I thought I'd pop round and do you first.

I could come back if it's not convenient.

Oh, no, don't go away now you're here.

This way.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, they're lovely flats these, aren't they?

Well, they're all right, but the trouble with flats, you've got no garden.

Ah, but you've got no grass to cut, you see, and no edges to trim.

Oh. Something wrong?

I'll blame the office.

They don't pass on the information.

Now, if I'd known that was going to be a 7924, I could have brought the

requisite tools.

I ain't got nothing in the van to fix that.

Oh, don't tell me you've got to go away and come back again.

Well, I'll put it this way.

How willing are you?

I'll put it this way.

To do what?

If you can rustle up a few household implements, we might be in with a

Household implements?

Have you by any chance got a left -handed tin opener?

No. Have to be a right -handed sin opener, then.

Will that do just as well?

If I use my left hand, yes.

Aren't you clever?

Because I know nothing about televisions. Don't you?

No. Oh, there's no reason why you should, is there? I mean, that's my job,

it? Tell me, madam, when did you first notice there was something wrong?

Well, I think it was when it went...

Again. I think I've cracked it.

Tell me if I'm wrong, but I wouldn't mind betting you've got mixer taps.

In the kitchen.

Why they fix them, I don't know. And never so much as a warning notice.

You mean the sound's gone off the television because I've got mixer taps

kitchen? I'll bet you a pound or a penny. Let's have a look at your taps.

on. This way.

Very nice, eh?

You see how I've got them, madam? The hot hardly on and the cold not on at

Yes. Do you reckon by replacing my hands with yours, you can maintain that

steady trickle? Well, I can try.

If you can just move over... Do you mean this will mend the telly?

No, madam, no. That really would be magic, wouldn't it? No, no, no. Well,

what I thought.

Now, what this does, you see, this removes the magnetism from the set.

thus preventing me from going home tonight to find that my wife's a widow.

Oh, I see.

Right, right.

Oh, you've got a tattoo.

Oh, yes, that's my blue bird of happiness.

Should have worn gloves.

Pardon? Nothing, nothing. Now, you got them? Right, now, this is very vital.

Whatever you do, don't let go of them taps.

But supposing the phone rings or somebody comes to the door?

I'll answer the phone, I'll answer the door, but don't let go of them taps.

How long will you be?

Well, it depends what I find.

When I get the back off the set. Oh, I see.

I'm a lonesome old cuck.

Lonesome.

Beautiful,

beautiful, truly beautiful.

So are you, my... little darling.

This man thought I was a fool.

Can you blame him?

Robert.

Well, how long did you stand there holding those taps?

An hour and a half.

I should never have let him in, should I?

No, you shouldn't.

Why did you let him in? Well, I thought he was the man you'd wrong about the

television thing.

the man you rang about the television set?

I didn't ring him.

You didn't ring him? After all you said, you didn't ring... Well, of course, you

know what this means, don't you, Angie?

What? We can't watch Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.

He couldn't watch it anyway.

He's pinched the television.

I've forgotten that.

Oh, can this be at this time of night? Hey, don't you go.

I won't let anyone in. I'll never let anyone in again.

Probably the police back.

Oh, shall I go?

Why? That sergeant was dishy.

Dishy? A time like this and Shane think of dishy.

Shane. What?

Will you promise me something?

Oh, that depends.

Don't tell your other mummy about me and the mixer taps.

Why not?

I don't want her laughing at me.

I don't want anybody laughing at me.

Arlington. I repeat, how did it get to the Duke of Arlington?

Bluebird Johnny was in.

Bluebird who?

Bluebird Johnny. And what did you?

I'm lost.

I'll leave the country. I'll go to Australia.

Hang on.

This Bluebird Jimmy.

Johnny. Oh, OK, Johnny.

You know him, do you? Know him? He's only a lifelong friend and cellmate.

about anything else, but I need those dangly earrings.

I've got to wear that black and white suit tomorrow and nothing else really

with it except for my dangly earrings. Angie, will you shut up about your

earrings? We want the lot back.

Hey, he's just saying that, isn't he?

He's just saying that. He's not, you know.

You mean you're not doing an insurance fiddle?

No, I'm not.

Oh, well, dear me.

I mean, that's heartbreaking, that is.

Well, I mean... If you want the stuff back, I'll get it back. I'll have a word

with Johnny.

When?

Well, I'll have to find him, of course, and that could prove to be pricey. It

will. Yeah, and then I've got to sweeten him.

Sweeten him? Well, he did steal that stuff in good faith, Shane.

I don't believe it. Look, I'll tell you what I'll do.

Seeing as it's family, I'll cut back... My expense is to 25 a day.

And I'll tell you something, shall I?

Scenic family, you'll cut them back to five a day.

Done. 100 quid on delivery.

50. 25. Done. Done.

Oh, I promise

myself I've never seen that again. It brings me bad

luck.

Oh, dear.

What now?

Press residence. To whom am I speaking to, please?

Come on.

Hello?

Is that you, Wilfred?

Yes. Is that you?

Have you found him yet?

Found who?

Bluebird Thingy.

The one we're paying you five pounds a day to find.

We could have got Philip Marlowe for ten.

found him.

What do you mean? How nearly's nearly?

Well, another week and I'll be almost there.

Another week at five pounds a day?

Just to find that you're almost there. Not a hope, Wilfred.

Oh, well, he's been seen.

I'd checked so yesterday.

Oh, by.

Another lifelong friend and cellmate.

Oh, I got a hot tip last night from Busty Bertha.

Look, Wilfred, you can't have another week. Not at five pounds a day, you

How about 250 or not, dinner?

Wilfred, I'm not a Cass.

And I'm not doolally chaps either. I'm sorry, Wilfred.

But I'm afraid your services are no longer required.

What does that mean?

You're fired, you old fool.

Look, I'll pour round tonight and then we can talk...

40 bertha.

Ooh, I can just see you.

And I wish I didn't.

Oh, I'm not destined to dust this room.

All right, all right. I don't believe it.

I know what you're thinking.

I'll bet you don't. Ooh, you've got a brass neck coming here.

What shall I hold on to this time?

Not on your life.

What is gratitude for you? I could have got cop coming here.

I wish you had, but I'll guarantee you'll get cop going home.

I've brought your stuff back.

Store? The stuff that I borrowed.

You tell her you'll be around later. I'm having it picked at my own expense.

A sort of peace offering, you know.

It is our store.

Of course it is.

Here, your clock was running five minutes fast. I've had it adjusted.

And there's new batteries in your tranny.

And I polished up your dangly earrings, which my lady wife was very loath to

part with.

Well, I think that's a lot. Well, cheerio. All the best. And no hard

eh? Oh, and if the fuzz gets nosy, it was all in a great big sack on your

doorstep, all right? Right. Turn up, then.

Oh, Mr Bluebird! Look, I can't hang about. No, no, no, just one thing.

What's brought about this change of heart?

Come again?

Why have you going straight?

Straight?

I ain't going straight.

It's a mugs game, that is.

But why have you brought our stuff back?

Because you're Wilfred's sister.

I was Wilfred's sister when you took it.

I was Wilfred's sister when I stood for an hour and a half holding those stuff.

But I didn't know that, did I? I didn't know that till yesterday. The barmaid

told me down at the Duke of Wellington.

Name a birther.

Busty.

Very, yes.

The silly thing is, you see, Wilfred could have told me this days ago.

Oh. Well, I was with him on Thursday.

I was with him on Friday.

Didn't see him on Saturday, but I was with him all day long on Sunday. Now, on

Monday... Don't go on, Mr Bluebird.

Excuse me saying so, but you went off going a funny colour.

Not a funnier deal go tonight.

Who is?

Wilfred.

Have I inadvertently dropped him in it?

Right up to his rotten neck.

I hope you don't mind being in here.

No. No idea.

It's cosy, isn't it?

You wouldn't have another one of these, would you? After all you've done for us.

I've got a fridge full.

Oh, well, it's been a long day.

By the time I got to Wimslow... Chepstow.

And Wimslow.

Oh, another of the hot tips from Busty Bertha. Oh, you don't know the half.

It was only this morning that she had word that he'd been seen in Australia.

Oh, no.

Oh, well, you'll be off there then tomorrow.

Well, only if our Shane ups me expenses.

And I don't think we can rely on that, Wilfred.

Where is our Shane? I mean, he's not working, is he?

No, they're watching the telly. Oh, I thought that... He's

never had a set.

No. Well, they haven't bought one.

With you just about to get their old one back old. That would be silly.

Well, I mean, if they haven't bought one and they haven't had one... Hello,

Wilfred. Hello, Arshane.

Have you got the time on you? I want to set this.

Oh, I've got various times, actually.

That's a very nice clock.

We like it.

Hello, Wilfred.

I've forgotten how much these dangly earrings pinch.

Well, take them off. There's no point in wearing them if... Telly.

Clock.

Earrings.

Now, what was I doing with this?

I think it was for me.

Oh, so it was.

Cheers.