All language subtitles for Thats My Boy s02e04 A Brush With The Law

Oh boy.

I was Taurus the Bull.

Why's that?

Well, Taurus the Bull's going to have a
wonderful day.

Money will flow.

Friends will be loving and attentive.

You're Taurus the Bull.

Yeah, but Leo the Lion, which is me,
there's no money flowing there, of

And I'm going to have a struggle with
authority, which I'm not going to win.

I wonder what they mean by authority.

Oh. Traffic wardens, lollipop ladies,
shop assistants, the heavy mob. The last

time I had a struggle with a shop
assistant, she ended up with a wire

her head.

No, I think it's more likely to be
little men in striped suits or big

with hats on.

Mind you, I blame me Saturn.

It's in me Mercury again.

And me Venus is rising.

I didn't know you took all this
seriously.

Oh, I don't. It's all a load of rubbish.

All the same, I'll watch me step with
little men in striped suits just for

today. Hi, dear.

Hello. Will you be going anywhere near
Banter's today?

Well, I will, if I go there specially.

Oh, good. Do you think you could take
this back for me?

Oh, it's faulty, is it? Right.

No, there's nothing wrong with it. It's
just that I picked up the wrong size.

You mean they gave you the wrong size?

Well, do you want it bigger, smaller, or
your money back?

Well, they never give money back. It's
got to be a credit. There's no such word

as never, love.

Do you want your money back?

No, I just want a size smaller.

Oh, and I tell you what else you can do
for me. What, love?

Well, could you get me a floaty scarf to
go with it? You know the thought I

mean? It's got to go round about five
times. Five times around what? Your neck

or her waist? There's quite a
difference.

I'll thump you.

Now, what colour do you want this floaty
scarf?

Ah, well, when I say blue... You don't
mean blue.

I do, but not blue -blue.

Look, if I do your operations, will you
buy a floaty scarf?

Do you mean green -blue?

Oh, no.

More, well, more... Sky -blue.

Ah, sky -blue, yeah.

If it's just rained.

If it doesn't.

Oh, wait a minute.

Oh, I should think not.

There's some very funny people about.

Oh, dear.

Oh.

Oh, isn't he pretty?

And what's your name, little love?

That's my Peter.

Oh, lovely.

I was hoping for a Wendy.

Oh, well, you know what they say. Now
you know how.

You can have another try.

Well, it shouldn't be long then, should
it?

Bye -bye, Peter.

Bye -bye, love. Bye -bye, and thanks
ever so much.

Ooh, I'd have a woolly hat on that
child.

Oh, excuse me. My daughter -in -law
bought a blouse here yesterday.

Was it? Oh, was it Monday?

No, anyway, it's very pretty, but
unfortunately she took home the wrong

and I don't know where... Second floor.

Pardon?

Thank you. Oh, well, I have your
undivided attention.

Could you tell me where I go to find
floaty scarves? Right behind you. Thank

you.

They're not very exciting, are they?

Not everyone wants excitement at the
throat, madam.

Pity nobody told the Boston Strangler.

What difference does it make in today's
world?

And do you know what, Kath?

I couldn't think of an answer.

I could have.

Can I help you?

Oh, yes, it's about this blouse. You
see, my daughter in... And you never

suspected anything.

I find nothing wrong with this garment.
It's flawless.

I never said it wasn't.

Then why have you brought it back?

Because it's the wrong size.

Well, madam, it will be. I mean, you
must be a what? 44, 46?

Don't go on.

I'm a 38.

And it isn't for me.

There's the bill. I want a 32.

One moment.

Now what are you doing?

Checking it. What for?

Floors.

If there'd been something wrong with it,
I'd be bringing it back, wouldn't I?

You are bringing it back. But not
because there's something wrong with it,

because it's the wrong size. It's a 34
and I want a 32.

My stars were right.

32.

Thank you.

Don't get your receipt, madam, in case
you want to bring it back.

Again.

If there's anything wrong with it, I
will bring it back.

Again.

I hope everything works out all right.
You know, for you and your boyfriend.

Girlfriend. Friend.

Right.

Now, can I blue after a shower of rain?

Or was it before?

Oh, well, I'll try this.

Oh, this light doesn't help.

Oh, no.

Oh, hello.

Oh, hello, love. Have you got all your
shopping done then?

Oh, I ran out of money.

Oh, I'm not surprised. They know how to
charge, don't they? Just look at this.

I know what it's like, love. I've pushed
a pram in me time.

Bye -bye, Peter.

Bye -bye, love. Bye -bye.

They're all right at that age.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Look, have you sent them my son?

Yes, I have, madam.

Now then, what do these retail at?

£7 .99.

£7 .99?

That's what I...

I wouldn't adopt that attitude, madam.

That's a very dangerous attitude to
adopt, that is.

Now, I'm going to give you a second
chance.

You pay for this scarf now, in cash, and
you're free to go.

I'll give you £2 .50. Take it or leave
it.

I'm not a stall in the market, madam.

Was offered the chance to pay.

Refused.

Abusedly. Oh, yes, you've got to get
your two pennies in, haven't you?

A woman who calls herself a woman can do
a job like yours.

Your name's not Trevor, is it?

Yes?

The gentleman you were expecting, sir.
Right, show me. You can come through

It's all right, it's all right, I'm here
now. You sit down, I'll take care of

this. Now then, let me put you in the
picture. That girl's already done that.

I'm the talk of the time, you fool!

What it boils down to, you're accusing
my mother of theft.

Oh, no, Shane, not theft.

Shoplifting. It's the same thing, madam.

It's people like you put the prices up.
And it's people like you that take the

money. Just look at that. $7 .99.

$7 .99?

Look, why don't I just give you the
money? I'm sorry, sir. She's given two

chances to pay and she refused.

Abusively. Do you want that out round
your ears? Oh, I've had enough of this.

Let the police have it. I don't think
I've introduced myself.

I'm Dr.

Price. Oh, yes. Yes, and my mother isn't
a shoplifter. She's been sleeping

badly, taking tranquilizers, suffering
from depression and 20th century stress.

She's stole a quality item. This quality
is rubbish. Just look at it.

week of Lady Scarf, next week of Age
Snatch.

She didn't do it, though. The whole
thing was an accident.

Good.

Accident. Hang on to accident.

Could be your best defence.

Now then, let's see.

A lorry mounted the pavement.

You leapt out of the way.

No, no, better than that. The lorry
leapt out of the way.

You're not much of a pagger.

Now then, let's see.

You pushed this blind man out of the
way.

That's got a touch of clatter.

And he, not his fault because he
couldn't see, caught you across the head

his white stick.

And for the rest of the day, I didn't
know what I was doing.

We're catching on.

I think that's brilliant.

All we've got to do is find the blind
man and...

I'll think of something else.

I think better with a drink in me hand.

You're doing all right without. Go on.

Well, now, you're walking past a blazing
building.

You hear screams.

What of? Laughter.

No, terror.

You rush in. You rush in. This will be
good, this will.

Go on. You rush in. Can't she rush for
me? I'm tired out.

Get in.

And there's this little old lady.

Blind? Yes, why not?

Build up the pathos.

Yes, there's this little old blind lady
hanging out of the window.

What do I do?

Here comes a touch of genius.

You rush up to her. I thought I might.

Here it comes.

And you take off your scarf.

What for?

So you can tie it round her ankles and
load her to safety.

Why didn't I think of that?

Unfortunately, you're doing the scarf.

Well, oh.

What's all this leading up to?

Banters. You go back to steal another.

Now, go steady with that. I want some
left for our Shane.

Where is our Shane?

He should be here by his mother's side.

He's gone to the police station.

Police station?

Of his own accord?

Look, he's gone to sort things out for
me. He knows how to put things, and

have a word with whoever you do have a
word with, and they'll drop the case.

Yeah, and I'll have quads on Monday.

Oh, give it another.

Oh, Shane, we're in the kitchen.

Bloody police.

I hope that doesn't mean what I think it
means.

The case comes up on Monday week.

I'd better find you a good solicitor.
What do I want a solicitor for?

Well, to defend you.

Oh, no.

I've seen solicitors defend him. And
I've waved him goodbye.

This court is acoustically better than
most, madam.

Pardon? There is no need to shout.

Well, just as long as you've got it
straight.

What? That I'm not guilty.

Well, I think I've managed to gather
that, madam. Thank you.

Now, do you persist in this mad folly of
representing yourself?

I do.

Somebody tell her she's not here to get
married.

He's against me from the start. I can
tell he is. Not necessary, girl. Stick

with it.

I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wish I was
dead.

Perhaps the worst bit's over.

Stick with it.

So, Mrs. Willis was given an opportunity
to pay for the item in question.

Item in question.

Now, just a moment.

Now, don't tell me. Don't tell me. No, I
think I've got it. Yes.

The packet of streaky bacon.

No, love, no, no, that was your last
case.

Oh. You dismissed it. Did I? No, this is
the case of the floaty scarf.

Floaty scarf? No, show him.

One floaty scarf, sir. Ah, thank you,
yes, thank you.

What's the matter with you this morning?
Two floaty scarves.

No, love, no, he's quite right.

It's one floaty scarf in two floaty
halves.

And why couldn't you have told me that?

Graciously, I don't know.

What's this in there?

£7 .99?

And people pay it.

I might point out we're all of us here
because the accused didn't pay it. I

offered him £2 .50.

You should have taken it. Taken it?

I'd have lost my profit.

Have you finished with this witness, Mr.
Eldon?

Yes, sir. Thank you.

Now then, madam, do you wish to cross
-examine?

Do you think it'd do any good?

Probably not, no.

But I must point out that there is a
certain amount of evidence against you

which has so far, you see, gone
unchallenged. Well, only because I

chance to explain it away.

Explain it away?

No, has he finished? Is it my turn?

Have you finished, Mr. Elgood? Is it her
turn?

Yes. That concludes the case for the
prosecution.

Oh, thank goodness for that, yes.

Right, you may leave. You may stand
down. Leave the book. Get out. Go on.

Leave the book.

Don't jitter in about it. Get out.

Now then, madam, you may call your first
witness.

Oh, I haven't got any witnesses.

Well, none at all.

Well, no.

Witnesses witness people doing things,
don't they?

Hopefully, yes.

Well, I haven't done anything, and you
can't witness people not doing things,

can you?

Tell me, did you think of that all by
yourself?

I wish I could say yes, but no.

You see, I got this wonderful book out
of the library.

It's called Logic and the Law for the
Layman.

By?

Somebody with the right posh -sounding
name.

Trevelyan Scunthorpe?

Try Trevelyan Crew.

That's it?

And that, madam, is me.

You!

You mean, you wrote this... this
masterpiece?

Well... Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry.

Officer. No, no, no. I know it's only a
library book, but would you mind?

want me to sign it for you, madam? Oh,
well, of course I will with pleasure.

There you are, madam. There you are.

Oh, I'll treasure that. Thank you.

You know, everybody should have one of
these.

No home should be without it.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Lord.

I'm wasting your time.

I mean, you could be at home writing a
sequel.

No, I'll tell you what.

Shall I just tell you what happened? on
that day. What day?

Well, the day I didn't steal the floaty
scarf.

Oh, that day, yes, of course, yes. Well,
carry on, carry on, yes.

Well, really, it all began at breakfast
time.

I was reading Miss Tars.

And she had him in the palm of her hand.

Well, I could tell I was in for a yucky
day because me Saturn was in me Mercury

and me Venus was rising.

Just a moment, just a moment, madam.
When was the alleged defence?

Last Friday week, sir. The 11th.

Your Venus was rising on the 11th? Sky
high.

So was mine.

You're never a Leo.

I am, you know, yes.

Same as me.

Hey, what happened to you on the 11th?

Yes, well, I had a little bit of a row
with a traffic one.

Authority, you see, you would have.

Well, I very nearly thumped him.

You should have done.

Well, I mean, you being who you are and
what you are, you'd have got away with

it. And anyway, it wouldn't have been
your fault any more than all this

is mine.

It's all this relevance.

Of course it's relevant under the whole
crux of the case, isn't it? I mean, if

her... if her Venus was rising, and it
was, she can't be held responsible.

Case dismissed.

Have I got away with it?

Well, I wouldn't, er, phrase it quite
like that, my little girl.

Mr. Elgood, look at me.

This case should never have been
brought, you know. Now, see me later.

Thank you. Sit down.

Can I go home now?

Certainly, madam. And may I say that I
sincerely hope that we never meet again.

Eh?

Under these circumstances.

Proud of you, love.

Proud of you.

Well, I'm not.

Shame! She was lucky, that's all, coming
up before an old fool like that. You're

lucky not to be behind bars.

You pig! Why do you have to spoil it for
her?

She shouldn't be allowed out.

Don't you ever go near that shop again.

I'll go there when I like.

She'll go there with me this afternoon.

I still haven't got a floaty scarf.

You'll have one before tea time. I'll
just go home and take me hat off.

Oh.

Look, I'm prepared to be magnanimous if
you are.

Magnanimous? Mag -bloody -nanimous?
You've got it lucky, that's all.

Watch it. Coming up before some old
fool?

I said watch it. Well, she ought to be
behind bars. Right, I've warned you.

That was the salt that was. Here, you're
a witness. You saw it. Saw what? Well,

you must have seen it. I saw it, sir.