Original subtitles

That's my boy.

wants to see someone in charge.

She's ever so cross.

Ever so cross?

Sounds like it is, will you?

I'm out.

And I'm in.

Tea, please, in a cup, not a mug, and hurry up.

Well, don't go.

Is that OK?

Right. Which one of you is going to take down me particulars today?

Pardon?

Who's going to handle me?

I think it's your turn, George, isn't it? Don't you want to handle me? Well,

it's not that. I just handled you last week.

Oh, so you did.

I'll talk to him.

Fine, fine.

I'll just go and see how Brenda's doing with the tea.

Oh, leave the door ajar, please.

Right.

Get the file out.

Willis, Ida Matilda.

It's the thick one at the bottom.

Oh, yes, yes, here we are. Now, now, let's see. Oh, you only started with the

Harris's on Monday.

Correct. And today's Tuesday.

I could have told you that.

Didn't they find you was kept in check today?

Have you heard from them?

What lies have they been telling you? We haven't heard a word from them.

You will, as soon as they read that letter up into their waterbed.

You put a pig in their waterbed?

I burst their little bubble.

Such goings -on. You sent me to work in a love nest.

I didn't...

Spot it at the interview.

Spot what?

Are you a married man?

Yes, you can talk to me.

I didn't mean that.

What has your wife got under her wedding ring?

A finger?

Yes.

With a white mark on it.

Mrs Harris's finger had no such mark.

How do you know?

Well, she took her ring off to run her finger through with air.

And they'd not long at the dinner.

I don't think that's very conclusive.

Don't you?

Well, where's their wedding album? You tell me that. I have that place to

pieces.

Perhaps they haven't got a wedding album.

Of course they haven't, because they've never had a wedding.

All I want is a nice, young, married couple.

Well, that's straightforward enough.

With documentary evidence that she's on the pill or he's been done.

Adiposectomy.

We don't live in the dark ages.

Ah, well, there's a young couple here, but I don't know whether or not he's

done. We'll ring him up and ask him. He's a doctor. He works in a busy

Good. Then if he hasn't been done, he's in the right place to get done.

Don't you like children?

That's a very personal question.

And so is, have you been done?

I don't see the connection.

What does the wife do?

Oh, you're not going to like this.

She's a midwife.

She's a model.

Clothed or unclothed? A bit of each, I think.

Good. Then she won't be risking stretch marks.

Well, it sounds eminently suitable.

Give him a ring and fix an interview.

Couldn't you carry the biscuits as well?

Here we are. Doctor and Miss Price.

I'll just see if they're in.

Oh, just a minute.

How long have they been on your book?

Quite some time, I'm afraid.

Good.

I like them desperate.

Hello, Mother.

Oh, I just thought it might be.

You've phoned six times in the last half hour.

Angie isn't back and Mrs. Thing isn't here yet.

Mrs. Willis.

I don't know why it rings the bell, Mother.

Look, I must go.

Did she ever live where?

Look, I don't know the woman. I don't know where she lives. Hang on, here's

Angie. It's my mother.

I'm not here.

False alarm. It was the paper boy.

Read all about it. I must go. I'll phone you later. Bye.

Why does my mother ring once a month and yours ring once a day?

Ah, because she's not my mother.

We're not moving, are we? No, I'm putting ornaments in a box.

What do you mean she's not your mother? She's had you since you were three

months old. Well, five.

I had two teeth. Only two?

Why are you putting ornaments away?

Well, two's not bad for five months. Oh, because we don't want her to think

there'll be a lot of work.

Who? Mrs Willis, our new housekeeper.

She's not our new housekeeper yet, you know. Ah, she will be if we like her.

We must like her. Oh, please, God, let's like her. Because we need her.

So you keep saying. I think it's a ridiculous expense. We manage perfectly

You manage, Angie, because nothing you wear needs ironing and nothing you eat

needs cooking.

She's got two arms, two legs and two penneth of brain cells. I'm taking her

That's all very fine and fancy, but how do you... Ah, there she is now. Hide

these in the bathroom and take all those tights off the tail rail and go and

answer the door.

Don't you talk to me like that. I'm not a student nurse.

Am I the master of this house or not?

No, you are not. You're a male chauvinist pig.

Oh, are those for me?

No, they're not. They're for her.

Do come through, Mrs Willis, and meet the master of the house. The what?

That's what he likes to be called.

Does he?

Give in to that and you'll live to regret it.

Break him in early. I know.

How do you do?

This will be him, I suppose.

Yes, this is me.

How do you do?

Pleased to meet you. I shan't need you.

What?

It's the lady I've come to see.

No, actually, it's me you're here to see.

Well, I have now, haven't I? I'll give you a shout if I want you again.

Oh, but... Don't but.

Go.

He's the doctor.

Oh, yeah, they told me. I don't hold with it, you know.

Doctoring boys of his age.

He did do five years' training.

Well, so I should hope. But he's still coming nowhere near my left knee.

Can he make tea?

Did his five years' training include that?

Well, he's never made it for me.

Oh, well, you've been too soft with him. I saw that the minute I walked through

the door.

We'll see if he'll make it for me.

Doctor, dear.

Yes? Would you make us some tea?

We'll have it in here, shall we? On a tray and cups and saucers, mind.

Ooh, I hate mugs.

I don't make tea. Why not? You've got two arms. Two legs and two pennies worth

of brain cells.

Look...

If I do make this tea... Use boiling water.

Right.

That was wonderful.

Right, now then. First things first.

References. Oh, lovely.

What do you want me to do with that? Cross it with silver?

Sorry? Well... What?

Where are they?

What? Your references.

Mine? Oh, more to the point.

Is. Oh, I thought you meant, would I like to look at your references?

I could get up and go.

But that would mean leaving you with him.

I'll give you a second chance.

Oh, thanks.

I'll approach you from a different angle.

How long did your last help stay?

Oh, well, we've never had anyone before.

That was a foolish thing to say, wasn't it?

Was it? Well... you've given me the upper hand now.

We'll move on to waging.

Ah, yes. Well, Robert thought... Write it down, love.

Then we don't have to talk.

All right.

Thank you.

Is that a three or an eight?

It's a three.

An eight.

It'd need to be.

And this is the first month, is it? Till I see if you'll suit.

I suppose so.

Ah, good. And then if you do suit, we can put it up for the second month.

With a further review after three. That sounds fair, doesn't it?

I've made the tea.

So I see.

I haven't spilt it in the soul, sir.

How many lumps?

How many lumps?

Ooh, you can tell he's medical.

No.

I'm sweet enough.

There's one little thing you can do for me.

Well? Take them dafts out that depress me.

Anything else while I'm on the move?

Sideboards? Carpets? Robert, don't be rude.

I feel rude.

You know, he reminds me of someone.

Someone I didn't like.

Mrs. Willis, I know he's difficult, but he is my husband.

It better be. I don't hold with open plan living.

Oh, good.

Oh, very pretty.

You, not him.

That's a very large bouquet.

And how high you're holding it.

Do you know that's what Robert's aunt said?

I think she thought I was expecting.

Just shows you what sort of mind she's got.

Were you?

No!

You say that as though you don't want children.

I don't. Does he?

No. Well, that's the first good thing I've heard about him.

Well, I think I could be very happy here.

All things being equal.

I phoned Holland.

They're sorry you don't like daffodils. Where's the room?

It's across the hall.

It's not very big.

It's very small.

You'll hate it. Shall I be the judge of that?

Just as long as there's room for a bed and a cul -de -tally.

Oh.

Now, you've worried me with that, oh.

I will have a cul -de -tally, won't I?

Yes. Yes, you will.

When? When we've moved that one.

Don't you move it, love.

He's the doctor. Let him have the urn here.

Marvellous. Bloody marvellous. Quick, what do you think? I can't think.

I'm too stunned to think.

I've never been so bullied in all my life. It'll do you good.

Oh, Angie, you're not even considering taking her on. I've taken her on. We've

even agreed her wages.

What are they?

I hope this eight's a three.

Well, I don't know why you said it was small.

Have you got some scissors, love?

Yes.

It's an eight.

But these do.

Oh, thank you, love. I just want to take a snip off the curtains, see if I can

get a die to match.

I don't like that white bedspread. It's cold.

Well, that's reasonable, darling. I mean, if she doesn't like the colour,

just might as well... Oh.

She's in our room, isn't she?

Packing our curtains to bits.

We'll be all right in the spare room.

What?

Mind you, it'll never be a good table, but at least it'll smell nice.

It's 100 years old.

It's not, is it?

Oh, well, throw it out. Let him buy you something new.

I've polished the tap. Can I do anything else?

Yes. You can come and give me a hand with that clock outside my bedroom door.

It's got to be shifted.

I'm not sure it should be shifted. It might upset its work.

Well, it's been upsetting mine all night.

Tick -tock.

I never should, and I.

And it's not a room you can get up and roam in.

It was very kind of you to let us have our own bedroom.

Ah, well, I did that for your sake, love.

So just for my sake, ship that clock.

Well, I suppose if we move the coffee table, we could put it up against that

wall. Well, it's worth a try.

OK. Right.

You got it?

Yeah. There we are.

Into the passage, then. Right.

it a good idea to have that clock in here. It won't help the telly, will it?

Boing, boing, boing.

Well, actually, it won't matter, because we haven't got a telly at the minute.

No more you have.

But remember what I said. You're always welcome to come in and watch mine.

You are.

Well, what time is it?

Get rid of that mirror. We could put the clock there.

But that mirror's Louis Kahn's. Oh, well, give it back to him, love. You've

enough junk of your own.

Biscuit, love?

Go on, the Gary Baldi's.

I don't.

Oh, it's that modelling, isn't it?

It'll do you no good in the end. I don't understand it. People should look like

people, not pencils.

It's the fashion.

Yeah.

All the same, it was good of you to take the day off. I mean, this place needed

a thorough going through. I'm afraid it did.

And I had no bookings anyway.

Now, you'll have to explain that, dear.

Well, people ring my agent and ask for me, you see, and then she rings here to

confirm the booking.

I'd better ask this.

Does the doctor have an agent?

Cos I'd hate to go out shopping and lose him an appendix.

the National Health.

Oh, them.

I've got a grudge against them. How about for 27 years?

27 years?

Be 28 in June.

Is this to do with the left knee you won't let Robert touch?

Haven't you got a wonderful memory?

No, love, no. No, that was when I fell off a number 17.

No, I was amply compensated for that. Well, 153 pounds and a new pair of

Then this grudge... Well... Do you ever touch

tiddly?

What?

It's only three star, but it does fucker phones.

Oh, what a relief! You drink!

No, dear, I don't drink.

I just like the taste.

There we go.

Now we can be cosy.

Funny how I've taken to you. I never thought I would you being the shape you

are.

I'm sure you had a super figure when you were my age. How old are you, love? 24.

Ah, you're wrong then.

I had a super figure when I was 23, but 24, no.

Which brings me back to my grudge.

But of course I never talk about that.

Don't if you don't like to.

He was a hospital porter, you see.

Who was?

My Mr.

Epp.

I was part -time hospital canteen and he was part -time men's surgical.

He punched out as I punched in.

So, of course, we had to meet.

What happened?

Well, nothing for quite a long time.

Nearly a fortnight. I was going mad.

He was a very attractive man, dear.

Oh, you don't mean you... I did.

And he did.

Three months later, I had a 30 -inch waist.

And he had a job on an ocean -going liner.

Leaving you like that?

Oh, that's men for you, love. At home each night, they take their fun and

behind... Mind what they've begun.

Many's the time my mother's had those words to me.

But what did you do?

Well, there was only one thing I could do.

You had an abortion.

I had an eight -pound, three -ounce boy.

Pregnant or not, I had me principles.

What happened to the baby?

Shane.

He went to a good home. Ooh, a big house with wrought iron gates.

And privet edges shaped like peacocks. Not that I ever saw it, mind you. Only

the vicar who arranged it all, he showed me a snap.

He had two teeth.

The vicar?

Shane. And that's very good for five months.

So you never tried to trace him? Not me.

I might have found him.

was when they sent me a picture. They said it was taken on his first birthday.

More teeth and less hair.

I'll show it to you.

Oh, you've kept the picture.

Well, I had to, hadn't I, love?

I've written my national insurance number on the back.

That's my Shane.

I've got a picture of Robert somewhere on his first birthday.

Yes, here he is.

This is Robert.

And all of you've given me Shane back.

And I've got Robert.

Oh, God.

Whatever was that?

It's Robert. He's fallen over the coffee table.

I knew we'd grow up clumsy.

Oh, that woman has gone...

It's got nothing to do with my knee. Why has she got to go then?

Because I hate her. Will that do?

Well, I like her. We communicate.

Splendid. That'll make it easier.

What? Telling her she's fired.

But... Don't but.

Goat but.

Go and tell her now.

Robert. It's your place.

Mrs. Price, love, could I have a word?

Now's your chance, Angie. I can't. I'm waiting, dear.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, I'm sorry to burst in like that, love. Were you in the middle of

Well... Only I couldn't bear it any longer.

Bear what?

Well, me knowing who he is and him not knowing who I am, we can't go on like

that, love. We're sitting on an unexploded bomb.

Are we?

Oh, yes.

One careless word wouldn't drop too many. We could either of us give the

thing away.

Oh, I don't think that's likely.

Oh, don't you? Well, I nearly did a minute ago.

Sitting there with his leg up.

There's nothing wrong with it. Ooh, my palm itched.

One of these days I'll strike him.

Oh, no.

It's a mother's right.

So run along, love. Tell him who I am and warn him in future to mind his P's

Q's. You want me to... That's right, love. It's your place.

And you want me to...

Did you tell her?

No. Why not?

Something came up.

Something more important than giving her the sack?

Do you know, I think it was.

Would you like a drink?

On top of two painkillers? You're trying to kill me.

That will be one way out.

Excuse me.

No, excuse me. You didn't knock, Mrs. Williams.

Well, of course I didn't knock.

Families don't.

Families?

You haven't told him, have you?

No, not yet.

I think I will have that drink.

It's a quarter of an hour since I took those pills.

Look at those ears.

What about them?

Now look at mine.

The same.

My ears and his father's nose.

It couldn't be the other way round, could it? Ooh, I could weep. I like his

nose. You can't.

What do you mean, she can't?

There's nothing wrong with my nose.

It's a perfectly all right nose.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Come on, Angie, get it over with.

Tell her. That's just what I was going to say. Get it over with. Tell him.

Right then, don't bother.

I'll tell her myself.

And I'll tell you myself.

Tell me what? Tell me what?

Oh, stop it, both of you.

She's your mother, and you're fired.

She's my... Oh, no.

Oh, tell me she's not.

She is.

It's a trick, isn't it?

You're trying to blackmail me.

Oh, how that takes me back.

That's just what your daddy said when I broke the happy news.

Hello. Press residence.

Would you hold on one moment, please?

It's for Shane.

Shane?

That's your name, Robert?

I don't believe any of this.

It must be the drink in the tablet.

Who's on the phone?

To whom am I speaking to, please?

Oh.

We meet again.

It's your other mummy.