Original subtitles

Stand.

All right.

Who wants to see my wedding ring?

It's a bit big. It must have cost a bucket.

Yeah, I gave it a choice. I had to have a...

No expense spared church wedding with all the trimming, or she could spend the

money on a ring and have the wedding at the school.

She went for the ring.

Funny, that.

You're not really having the wedding in the school, are you? I thought that was

a joke.

Not only am I having the wedding at the school, but I'm giving the whole thing a

Christmas theme.

A Christmas -themed wedding at the school?

Well, Pink hasn't had a proper Christmas before. I thought this was a good way

of killing two birds with one stone.

Ah, Ting.

Forgive me. I've neglected you. I'm bored now.

Would you like to dance?

No.

I'm going to go and get some air.

What's up with him?

He's just affected and didn't get an invite to the wedding. Fucking toaster.

Was it entirely necessary to invite the entire staff room except him?

I'd go a hotel.

Yeah, why not? You need your beauty sleep before the big day.

Shall I call you a cab? No, give money.

What for?

Sexy knickers for Bang Bang.

Oh, er, yes.

No expense spared.

It is our wedding night.

So romantic.

Fifted that the bride and groom spend their last night apart.

I bet she did.

Right, um, well, what shall we drink up?

Move on and hit the tap.

Sorry, I'm just... Off to wrap my Christmas tree.

Looks like it's just you and me, Lindsay.

Sorry, but I didn't want to.

You're absolutely right.

Yeah, I need to save my strength for the wedding night. Pings in for a big one.

Well, it will always be one.

Bye.

Are you annoyed at not being invited to the wedding?

Not really.

I don't think so.

I had sex with Ping.

Once.

About when she first arrived.

I had to tell someone.

Why? I don't know.

It just happened.

No. Why did you have to tell someone?

I don't know.

I feel terrible.

Do you feel better now you've told me?

Not really.

That's probably why you should keep them to yourself.

You won't tell anyone, will you?

No.

Thanks.

Damien?

What's going on?

I'm avoiding Bob.

Why? He's going to ask me to be his best man.

Since when?

Who else is he going to ask?

Could be me.

Ben, mate, you're the worst public speaker ever.

Yeah, but Bob doesn't know that.

That's a good point.

It's gonna be my bride, cause it's my wedding day.

Fuck me, is that Santa?

That's it.

Fucking hell.

What happened?

So you don't think I should tell him?

Technically, the right thing to do would be to tell him. He could be your

colleague and your loyalty should be to him.

So you tell him? No.

Why not?

Two reasons. Number one, it's your own fault for buying a Thai bride.

Number two, go mental.

So, Anthony.

When are you off? Straight after school.

My mum's picking me up on the way to the airport.

So we might not see each other till next year?

Probably not.

I can't believe I'm not going to see you till next year.

I'm going to miss you.

Me too.

Really? Yeah.

Not as much as I'm going to miss you.

Maybe not.

Don't tease.

Sorry.

Oh, you're a hard man to track down.

Been meaning to ask you something for days now.

What's so funny?

Oh, Bob.

Sorry, mate.

Didn't see you there.

What were you laughing about?

Oh, it's just... Ben.

That impromptu speech you gave last night at the Christmas party.

Speech? What speech?

You didn't hear it.

It was hilarious.

Ben, you said?

I wouldn't have thought he was much of a public speaker.

He is a natural.

So he doesn't just blabber on like a twat?

No, he's like the complete opposite to what he is in real life. Really? Yeah,

it's like he gets his tunnel vision and just goes into this comedy zone when

people were just rolling in the aisles.

Anyway,

what was it you wanted?

Oh, never mind.

It's not important.

As you know, the Ofsted inspection starts today, so thank you all for

such manifest tango.

Can I suggest we at least pretend to do some teaching? And please remember the

most important thing when it comes to Ofsted inspections.

The inspector is not allowed in the staff room.

So if you're going to do anything wrong, please, please, please... Do it in

here.

Secondly...

Does anyone know what that large pile of tacky Christmas decorations is doing in

the car park?

Um, that's mine.

What's it for?

My Christmas -themed wedding to Ping.

What's she talking about?

Remember, a few weeks back, I asked if I could get married in the playground.

You were being serious?

Yeah, of course.

Your fiancée doesn't mind? I think the venue's the least of her problem.

True.

She seemed a bit calm.

Considering the school was almost bound to fail its inspection and Bob's getting

married in the midst of it.

Oh, she'll do what she always does.

What's that?

Put on a short skirt, flirt with the inspector.

That's disgusting.

What kind of freak fancies Claire?

Same kind of freak who becomes an Ofsted inspector, apparently.

I'm going to tell him.

All that's going to happen is he'll go red, wear a lot and maybe try and hit

you.

Even so, I feel bad.

So, actually, the real reason you want to tell him is that you don't feel

guilty? I suppose.

Although, it's quite a good reason to tell him. Really?

Definitely. OK, then.

You don't think he'll actually hurt me, do you?

Erm... Well, maybe.

He's either going to really hurt you... Or?

If you're lucky, you might have a massive heart attack before we get to

chat. So, fingers crossed.

I've got you for a sec.

Keep trying to get yourself an invite.

You can fuck off.

Abed, quick word? Sure.

As you know, I'm getting married this afternoon.

How's it going?

Well, it hasn't been an easy decision, and the competition was fierce, but I

want you to be my best man.

I'm sorry?

Well, I know we haven't known each other very long. Three months.

And I know it's short notice, but I think you're the right man for the job.

I thought you were going to ask Damien.

He's been hesitant.

No, I mean, I'm flattered. It's just I hate public speaking.

I find it so traumatic.

I go to pieces until there's more than three people start listening to me.

Relax. You won't have to do anything you don't want to.

Really? Of course not.

All right, then.

What's that?

Your itinerary. And in order to remain in contact, you need to keep this on you

at all times.

And I suggest you forget your lunch break. We've got a grotto to build. Just

long as I don't have to do a speech. But?

You said I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to.

Apart from the speech.

But that's the thing I don't want to do.

Answers, from what I hear, should be something to look forward to.

The Inspector here.

Very good.

Sorry, I didn't... I wasn't expecting... I thought Mr Barker was coming.

Following an internal investigation, Mr Barker no longer works with the Ofsted

team.

Gosh. But rest assured, I'm here to make sure that this year, not a single badly

staffed, mismanaged and substandard school falls through the net.

Excuse me.

Just one moment.

Plan B.

What's up with you?

Fuck off. It's important.

Fuck off.

What about Ping?

Why? Something happened?

Nothing's happened. What's happened to Ping? She's fine.

Then fuck off.

Do you remember when she first arrived?

Best day of my life.

Why? Do you remember how you asked me to talk to her about, you know, loosening

up? That lot of good that did.

Well, actually, she did loosen up.

With me.

You see, Ping and I, we had... sex.

Only once.

If it makes it any easier, it was over very quickly.

Well, Ping didn't seem to enjoy it.

And if she did, it was because she was thinking of you. I know I was.

Hilarious.

Hang on. I just thought you should know before you married her.

Pathetic. I mean, it's fucking pathetic.

I'm telling you the truth. Bollocks you are. If you were telling me the truth,

you'd be able to tell me something about Ping which only you would know.

She's quite a goer. Something objective.

Like if she got these scars or birthmarks. Something that only someone

seen her naked could possibly know.

Actually, yeah, she has.

Your what?

Well, she's got that tattoo on her behind.

Servant with a dagger through it.

Servant with a dagger through it?

Well, you couldn't make that up.

Well, actually, you could. You just did. Seriously, there is a tattoo of a

servant with a dagger through it on her arse. So what?

Now you're telling me that I haven't even seen my own fiancée's backside?

You can't, Dom, because if you had, you'd have seen the tattoo.

All right, let's do this.

That's it.

Fuck off! Get the fuck out of here! And you stay away from my wedding!

Now, if anyone asks, I am a good teacher.

No mention of how shit I am or that I'm lazy or the fact that you learn nothing.

Yeah, that means you can lie.

We have a situation.

Excellent.

I'm missing Anthony already.

Can you believe that? He only said goodbye this morning and already I'm

him.

Do you think he misses me?

I mean, do boys miss girls as much as girls miss boys?

He said he was going to miss me.

But can you ever really tell for sure?

You should have seen our goodbye. It was so romantic.

Oh. What's up?

You already said goodbye.

I could say goodbye again.

Bye again.

Bye.

Bob is... A teacher.

He teaches... What does Bob teach?

English.

English?

He teaches... English.

And he is... Bald?

Bob. I have no idea who this man is.

How am I supposed to write a speech about someone I don't know?

I'm bad enough at public speaking when I know the person. When I don't know the

person, I'm fucked. I'm fucked to bits.

What's wrong with him?

Bob, I seem to be his best man.

Room to best man.

Room to best man, over.

Best man to groom, reading loud and clear, over.

Where the fuck are you?

Where are the dinner ladies?

English department, photocopy room, gym, maintenance corridor.

Sorry, mate. Can't talk.

I told Bob.

Did he go mental?

He didn't believe me.

He thought I was just trying to get my own back for not being invited to the

wedding.

You don't look very happy.

Why would I be happy?

This is the best possible outcome.

You've managed to do the right thing without anyone actually knowing.

If I were you, I'd be feeling pretty pleased with myself.

Maybe.

Where the hell have you been? I was having lunch. Yeah, well, don't just

there. These chairs aren't going to sit themselves out.

How many do you want me to do? All of them.

How many guests are coming?

I've invited 100.

Are you sure they're all going to turn up? I mean, you don't need to look

Nonsense.

How long before we're fully operational?

Not long.

Linz is almost finished. But we're yet to make the exchange.

The inspector's getting impatient.

I can only keep her locked up for so long. I'll tell Carol to get a move on.

minutes. Then I'm afraid we've no choice. We'll have to let her out.

One more thing.

That constricity outside.

Bob's wedding grotto.

Can we please either find a way of making it less conspicuous or burn it to

ground?

Carol? of landscape in romantic poetry anyone okay can

anyone think of a poem that features landscape can anyone think of a poem

does anyone know what a poem is has anyone ever read anything

ever how stupid are you i mean jesus

Don't panic. Just me.

You two, stay here. Everyone else, this way.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

Small emergency.

Why did you lock the door?

Sorry, I should have mentioned. The handle's a little tricky. You have to

and turn at the same time.

Are you deliberately trying to prevent me looking around?

Of course not.

Don't be absurd.

Would you like another cup of tea? Hey, Hunter, please. I don't want any more

cups of tea. I don't want to look at any more photographs.

I want to inspect the school.

Well, why didn't you just say so?

Hello. Just pretend we're not here.

We were just discussing the role of landscape in romantic poetry.

Anyone?

Peter.

You get the sense in Shelley's Mont Blanc that the mountain functions as a

of epistemological touchstone, that the poet uses it to affirm his own

existence.

That's very interesting.

Jane.

Peter's right.

If you consider the philosophical context, this is an age of great

Movements such as subjectivism and relativism had started to question the

basis of perception.

And isn't it possible the poets are using landscape as a means of countering

this?

What do you think, Miss Neville?

I think you need to work this one out for yourself.

Slay. Axel, fix, ready to ride.

Usher, elves.

Costumes being fitted as we speak.

Reindeer. One's at the back of the shore, but we're working on it. Oh, it

like we're under schedule. Anything else you need to ask me about?

Actually, yes, there was one thing. It's to do with who's playing Santa Claus.

Ah, Pete, there you are. I was getting worried.

Still hasn't mastered Western Time, bless her.

As long as you've got the dress.

Ah, yeah, no, don't show me. No, it's padlock.

Oh.

Oh, it's... I don't know what to say. It's beautiful.

Where did you get that?

Not sure.

Crossed me an arm and a leg.

What's that stain?

Don't you worry about all this. You go and find somewhere to calm your nerves

and get ready.

Now, where were we?

It says here you want one of the dinner ladies to play Santa.

Ah, yes.

No problem.

It's just, if all the elves are being played by dinner ladies and Santa's

played by one too... They'll all be the same size. I mean, won't they look a bit

ridiculous?

Bob?

Fucking bastard.

Well, listen, I'm nitpicking. It doesn't matter.

Fucking bastard!

Where'd he go?

Probably just last -minute nerves.

Better not to groom. Do you copy?

Whatever it is, we'll work through it, even if I have to play sense myself.

Some kind of sophisticated criminal code.

Slap your head, bastard!

Next up, Mr Ewan Daugherty, our head of English.

Bob's gone mental, and I think he's heading for Ewan's classroom.

Just a night before Christmas went all through the house, not a creature was

staring, not even a man.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care.

Is everything okay?

Come here, you little... Shit!

We'll come back later.

Fucking hunt you down!

This is the last fucking thing I do!

Just in time.

Gwyn, have you seen Bob?

Yeah, he's up on the roof shouting.

Have you seen the Ofsted inspector?

She's just been in Mr Wallace's food technology class.

Have you seen Lindsay?

Yeah, she's over there in the prefab.

How come you know where everyone is?

I just notice things.

Hiya, Ben.

Bob's on the roof. I think he might jump.

What has he done?

I'm not sure. I was just telling him I didn't think one of the dinner ladies

should play Santa Claus when he, I don't know, just turned red and went mental.

I think Bob found out you and Shag ping.

You and Shag ping?

Although no -one's supposed to know, so don't tell anyone.

Shouldn't I do something?

What do you mean?

Things on best man.

It might reflect badly if he kills himself on my shift.

Have you tried talking to him?

He's really high up, right on top of the roof.

So?

Can you talk to him?

All right.

Really? Yeah.

Look after this lot for five minutes.

I have to say, so far I've been impressed.

We try our best.

The class sizes are decent.

The children well behaved.

The teachers

seem to genuinely care about their work.

It's almost as if the whole thing has been staged.

What's in here?

Maintenance cupboard.

I forgot.

That's the staff room.

I thought the staff room was back there.

This is the back entrance.

Yvonne was a whore.

Liz was a whore.

Claire was a whore.

Ping's the biggest whore of them all.

You come any closer, I'll fucking jump. I'm warning you.

If you do jump, I'll be the last person you ever talk to.

No.

Never been the last person to speak to anyone.

Quite exciting.

You're all fucking whores!

We're just in time for the dress rehearsal.

You're all whores!

What was that?

I didn't hear anything.

How was your day?

Nightmare. I lost two sheep.

Stop! Stop!

What are you doing? You look petrified. You're supposed to be the archangel, for

heaven's sake.

Can we do it again and this time try to be divine?

Why is the fat boy playing the angel?

It's not very safe.

Oh, thanks.

You and Sheg Ping.

I didn't know that.

Can you fucking believe it?

Although, it's not really a massive surprise.

I mean, is it?

She's younger than you are.

She's more attractive than you.

She's only marrying you for a visa.

What did you expect?

Fucking arsehole.

It's not so much a shagging him that pisses me off, it's the fact that it's

public.

Everybody's going to be talking about how, once again, Bob Porter, the bald

swat, has been cuckolded. No one knows, apart from me and Ewan.

And we certainly don't use words like cuckolded.

He won't be able to keep it a secret.

That's true.

I suppose you'd come up here to persuade me.

To go through with it and marry her. Nope. Well, I've saved your breath. I'm

going to go through with it. I don't think you should marry her.

I've never thought you should marry her.

My advice throughout this entire tragic episode has been don't marry her.

So why did you come up here?

Ben said you were going to jump.

I just, you know.

What, you didn't want me to jump?

Plus I was curious.

I know there's still a couple more days of inspection to go, but you're in with

a good chance.

What's in that little cabin?

Oh, that?

Some builders left that. We haven't used it in years. High levels of asbestos.

Although... We occasionally let some of the children use it for music practice.

Hello, Ping. Where, Bob? Sad girl? About that.

I've got some bad news.

He didn't want to marry you.

We don't understand.

Bob? No marry, Ping. Why?

Bob find out Ping bang -bang with Ewan.

He no marry, you no visa. You fuck off home.

Where, Bob?

He's on the roof.

You know, on top of building.

Are you sure this is really necessary?

We can look in there tomorrow.

Ah!

Shit, hang on.

I've just been bitten by a snake.

After you.

Listen, you've got it all wrong.

He wasn't crucified until Easter.

Um, hello.

Why Bob cry?

No use, Ping. The wedding's off.

Nothing you can say can make me change my mind. I'm not marrying you.

What? I don't understand what you're saying.

You're sorry?

Yeah, well, even so, I don't think I can forgive you.

What?

You're saying you didn't want to do it?

Is that what you're saying?

You think he forced you?

I knew it, of course he did. He's a fucking bastard. Why wouldn't he rape

eh? Oh, yeah, you were probably pleading with him to leave you alone, weren't

you? And you were begging him to stop, but no, he just kept going, pounding

away. What about?

The fucking rapist raped you.

Well, he is definitely not coming to the wedding then.

Oh, God, don't cry.

I love you, old man. Oh, please, Bing.

I'm so sorry. Please forgive me.

I'm so selfish.

I haven't thought of it from your point of view.

Bob Maryping? Yes, yes.

Bob Maryping.

Oh, this can only make us stronger.

You're best merely.

So, what are you up to this evening?

Avoiding Bob.

Why? He said he'd kill me if he ever saw my face again.

Then you might want to hide.

Oh, shit.

Surely we can find someone to play Santa.

But who? And at such short notice?

All we need is someone fat, jolly and old.

Gwent!

I thought you were going to jump.

I'm getting married.

Who to?

King, of course.

I thought you were the four.

I thought perhaps we could keep the whole Ewing business to ourselves.

Might take a shine off the wedding if everyone knew.

You think?

Thanks. Although you might want to invite him to the reception.

Fuck right off.

People might start asking questions if he's not there. He's a fucking rapist!

OK, all right, he can come.

Providing he doesn't talk to either me or Pink.

The good news is you're invited to the reception.

What's the bad news?

We're not allowed to tell anyone about you and Pink.

I already told Damien.

I already told Ben.

Never mind.

It'll be the holidays next week.

I doubt we'll still be married when we come back.

Do you think we might fail? Of course you will.

Have you got those Ofsted questionnaires?

Yeah, they're on the side.

Thanks.

Oh, hi. You must be the inspector. We didn't get to meet earlier.

Sorry.

Bye.

That was Mr Doherty.

Our head of English.

We never got to see his class, did we?

You're not going to this wedding?

I'm not invited.

Really? I'm going to the reception.

So, how did the inspection go?

Not very well, I'm afraid.

Despite our best efforts, the inspector was able to form quite an objective

opinion.

Shit.

At the very least, we're all going to lose our jobs.

I doubt any of us will ever work again.

I wish I could help.

Well, there is one thing.

Well, just name it.

How would you feel about spending a little time with the inspector?

What, you mean like an interview?

More of an interview slash date.

Sorry? She's taken a bit of a shine to you.

Just take her out, buy her a drink, see where it leads.

Are you serious?

You don't have to actually do anything. Well, not unless you want to.

Just so long as she's compromised.

Very nice, Bob.

Yeah, I wore this the first time I got married.

That's all for bringing you just as much luck.

Who's that old woman?

That's my mum.

Is everyone in your family bald?

Sorry, mate.

Accident.

Hello again.

Hello.

Hello. Yes.

How are you?

Allow me.

Thanks.

I should go.

Listen, if you want to interview me or talk about anything, just let me know.

Yes, I'd like that.

Will you go for a drink? When?

What are you doing now?

I've got to get home.

To your husband, right?

I haven't got a husband.

How is that possible?

Relax.

Most brides are at least 15 minutes late.

She'll definitely turn up.

Why wouldn't she?

You know, last minute doubts.

Ex -boyfriend wants her back.

Realises she doesn't love you. All kinds of reasons.

What, you don't think she's going to turn up?

You can never be sure.

I think the best man's supposed to be sure.

Fucking hell.

Oh, she's a vision.

She certainly is.

We are gathered here to celebrate the marriage of Bob and Ping.

If anyone knows of any reason why these two may not be joined in matrimony, let

them speak now or forever hold their peace.

Do you do this often?

Do what?

Drink beer.

Maybe once or twice a week.

Yeah, me too.

Me too.

Do you socialise with other inspectors?

Sometimes. Yeah, I bet.

Just that, you know, it so often happens, isn't it?

What is?

Well, teachers tend to go out with teachers, and doctors and nurses go out

each other, don't they?

Do you go out with inspectors or teachers?

Either. Interesting.

Repeat after me.

I ping -tong pro.

You ping -tong pro.

No, I ping -tong pro. You no ping -tong pro.

Me ping -tong pro. You have to repeat it.

She say, you say.

Trust me.

Ah.

I ping -tong pro.

Do take thee.

Do take thee.

Has anyone ever told you you have a... What?

Have a... Yes?

Mouth.

A lovely, fleshy pink mouth.

Oh, and the way it smiles.

You have a good smile.

No one's ever told me that before.

Well, they're wrong.

Yes.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Grow the bouquet.

No jokes about being bald.

My ex -wife, satellite installation. But feel free to mention my massive knob

and what a long night he needed in for.

Yeah, she went to the toilet.

So how did the inspection go?

Do you reckon we're going to get closed down?

If today there's anything to go by, probably.

Although, something tells me we might just turn things around.

I'm not a racist.

Just in time, mate.

Can

I start off

by thanking everyone on behalf of my wife and I for coming?

Ping, darling, I love you and...

I look forward to spending our life together.

I'm deadly amused.

This is the first time that I've ever been best man.

Although Bob's been married before.

Although, sorry, I'm not allowed to mention Yvonne, even in passing, because

was a nightmare.

When I first met Bob, I thought...

Actually, when I met him the very first time, I thought he was a pompous old

bald man.

But then when I got to know him some more, it turned out that the complete

opposite was true.

I mean, he was still bald and old and a bit pompous, but also funny and

generous.

If not with his money, then with his... ..time.

For instance, he was almost always the last person in the pub.

Not that he's an alcoholic.

I mean, he might be. I don't know. If he is, it's none of my business. What I'm

really trying to say is that Bob and Ping are going to have a great life

together. I know he got her off a website.

But actually, they've got loads in common.

Certainly according to her CV, anyway.

So, can we all raise our glasses to Bob and Ping?

Life together.

To Bob and Ping. Bob and Ping.

Excuse me.

Fucking bastard.

I go upstairs.

Oh, yeah, of course. You go and slip into something more comfortable.

I'll be up before you know it.

Doesn't make any sense. He sees himself, doesn't he?

That's my own fault for asking.

Shall I ask you?

Me? Funny thing is, I was just about to.

Me? I'm on it.

Yeah, well, you're a good friend, Amy.

Where's Ping gone?

She's upstairs.

Getting herself ready.

You don't have enough for her dance?

I don't think she can wait.

Well, I was looking forward to that.

Ah!

See you fuckers in the morning.

Oh, um, I'm taking thoughts.

I'll see you lot next year.

You can come out now.

All clear.

What's going on? I go.

No, don't be silly. We're staying here tonight.

You stay. I go.

No, but we're married now.

I know love you.

You're my wife.

Visa.

No, please.

Don't go.

I'll do anything.

I'll even pay him.

No. Look, can't we make love just for once?

No.

Right, can I have my ring back?

No. You bitch!

Come back here, you fucking bitch!

Excellent. Ben, wake up. Don't. Come here, you bitch. Just going. Not you.

You're not going anywhere, you fucking whore. Not till you shag me.

How's it going there?

Fucking whore left me.

That's what it looked like.

What the fuck's he doing here?

You invited him.

Hey, Bob, congratulations and good luck, you know, for tonight.

Not that you need any luck.

You fucking bastard!

Yes!