All language subtitles for Teachers s04e08

Are you saying no?

I'm not saying yes. What are you saying?

I'm saying maybe.

I've been on a lot of terrible stag
nights.

Well, mine's a stag weekend.

I'm not sure that makes it better, just
longer.

We'll have a laugh.

Who's we?

Not you.

Anyone, mate.

Sorry, blokes only.

Am I supposed to look disappointed?

You're invited.

Oh, fuck, am I?

I mean, is it this weekend?

Yep, two days in Dublin.

I'm pretty sure I've got something
planned.

Why don't you check your diary, just in
case you're wrong?

I've no idea where my diary is at the
moment.

It'll be in your bag.

I don't think so.

Have a look.

I bet it's there.

Oh, no.

No, it doesn't seem to be. What's this
thing?

Let's see what these so -called plans
are.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Ah, your weekend's free.

It's this Friday.

What's this Friday?

My death.

On Friday, I'm going to die.

Couldn't you die on Monday?

It's not up to me. It's been foretold.
Who by?

A Ouija board.

It all happened ten years ago.

There I was sitting round a table with
my friends.

We asked them questions of the spirits
and they gave us some answers.

How?

I'm moving a little glass round a table.

Yeah.

Your friends were pushing the glass.
That's what friends do.

I don't think so.

You know why I don't think so?

Because you're insane?

No. Because the Ouija board that
foretold my death made another

And it's already come true.

Really?

And what was that prediction?

I was told I'd get bitten by a dog.

And I was.

Anyone else been bitten by a dog?

What's your point? Your point is you are
a gullible toddler.

Hang on, let's get this straight. You're
saying no to my stag weekend?

Yes. Because you'll be dead?

Yes.

So, there's a spare place on the couch.

Dream on, fucker.

Why would anybody fuck about with a
week's worth of things, see? There's

girl at Megan.

We're not talking about you. We're
talking about a friend of ours who

he's going to die.

Even though he's not.

Is he?

No, he's not.

Oh, hey.

How come yours delay?

What do you mean?

I thought they'd have locked you up by
now.

Fuck off.

There he is.

Shall I make him some tea?

He's not ill.

Well, he thinks he hasn't got long left
to live, which would be the same thing.

Put off.

Morning.

I'm sure you're as excited as I am that
it's time to write the winter term

records of progress.

Liz will be handing out report forms for
those with tutor groups in years 7, 9

and 11.

Liz. What?

The reports.

I haven't got them.

I asked Carol to make sure you brought
them with you. Well, Carol chose to keep

that to herself.

We'll talk about this later.

Thank you.

Liz, can I just ask you?

I mean, I'm sorry to bother you like
this.

I know you think you know something
about me, and even though you're wrong,

would like to know what you think you
might do about what you think you know.

If you're worried I'm going to tell
someone about the sex you've been having

with a student, you're quite right to
worry.

I am going to tell someone.

I don't know who I'll tell or when I'll
tell them.

But there'll come a day when I need
cheering up.

And it could be quite soon.

Sir?

Sir?

Why is it called Good Friday?

Is that the day that Jesus died?

There are various theories.

Good used to mean holy, or good got
swapped with God, so really it's God's

Friday.

Or maybe it's good because Jesus didn't
know exactly when he was going to die.

He wasn't told ten years before when
he'd be crucified.

Big surprise for Jesus.

One minute he's having his supper, the
next minute, bang, he's nailed to a

cross.

Lucky bastard.

That's the end of the book, it.

I've got no brothers or sisters.

Now I'll never have children, so the
family name dies with me.

I thought your mum and dad were still
alive.

They are.

But the shock of my death will probably
kill them.

Then maybe you should bring them. Can't
you warn them?

No. They might want to come and stay.

Oh, for God's sake, you think you've got
problems?

Actually, I've only got one problem. I'm
going to die.

Really? You should have told us.

I left some sperm in the fridge, but you
see what you can do with it.

You mean when making a tasty snack?

No, I mean, did you give it to some
infertile couple?

So they can have the baby I always
wanted.

Since when did you want a baby?

Since I realised the Burkitt line was
coming to an end. So about a minute ago.

Lindsay, Penny, I've been thinking about
Ping.

If you've got an erection, I don't want
you near me.

If I'm having a stag week engine, Ping,
have a hen night.

What's it got to do with us? Well, I was
hoping you might like to organise it.

No. No.

No.

What?

No.

Oh.

Look, she hasn't got any friends in this
country.

That's our problem.

How?

I'm just saying that you could take her
for a few drinks, be nice to her just

for once. I don't do nice.

I heard that.

Year nine reports. When you've done
them, give them to Carol.

Mum. It's your job.

No, you fuck off. Yeah. No, you fuck
off. Off.

No, you fuck off.

You got any books with lists of medical

symptoms? I teach biology, medicine.

Same thing, isn't it?

Yes, it's exactly the same, apart from
being completely different.

Don't you have any stuff on diseases?

No. Why?

If I'm ready for the worst possible
scenario, I won't get taken by surprise,

I'm trying to work out how I might die.

Will that help?

No, not really. But I don't want to
suffer.

So if I know my death won't be painful,
I won't dread it quite so much. If it

doesn't hurt, you can live with it, so
to speak.

Exactly. The good news is I'm safe from
cancer. I'd have had symptoms by now.

What about that brain tumour you had
this week?

I think it was just a headache after
all. Is that what they said in casualty?

Yeah.

Can we keep the noise down, please?

Thank you.

Just think, you might start dying
tonight.

What? Obviously the death itself won't
happen for Friday, but... My body could

stop working bit by bit. What if I'm
paralysed from the neck down?

How will I communicate?

Get a talking computer, like Stephen
Hawking. Will someone please toss me

Tell them I don't want to live like
that, even for a couple of days. Tell

to pull the plug.

I'll pull it myself, mate.

Do that for me? With pleasure.

And I'll help, if you wanted me to.

Don't look at the plugs, or anything
electrical.

Stop bumming each other.

We're off to the pub.

We could have you awake tonight with
you, the corpse, buying all the drinks.

You can mock all you like. When I've
gone, you'll be sorry.

When you've gone, I'll be fucking
amazed.

Penny will probably send you messages on
a Ouija board.

Oh, what am I going to do now? I've been
outed as a child molester.

I wouldn't ask him anything stupid. I'd
ask him proper questions.

Such as?

What's it like in the afterlife?

There is no afterlife.

Oh, so you're one of these people who
think that when you die, that's the end?

Yep. And there's nothing else? No?

You know, something.

There's no, you know, something.

There's no God. If there was a God, he'd
be showing me a sign by now.

What sort of sign?

Some kind of miracle?

I don't know.

Something like Ralph suddenly being able
to walk.

Would you call that a sign?

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck. There is a God.

Now he tells me.

Fucking bastard.

He's still talking to God.

I'm just telling him I think he's a
bastard.

Yep, I'll get him on your side. What
sort of God brings a surprise like this

someone who's about to die?

A God with a sense of humour.

It's not funny.

Well, I think I've had my fill of fun
and laughter.

You're not going?

Then why am I moving towards the door?

The thing is, I wanted to have a chat.

If the chat was going to be...

Please don't tell anyone I had sex with
a student.

I really wouldn't bother.

You don't think?

No.

But what if?

Would you like one of us to join in this
conversation, or are you happy by

yourself? I was just wondering, what if
Ben actually does die on Friday?

What would we do?

That's a good question.

Is it?

Yeah. Should we get another flatmate, or
keep the room free and put a pool table

in there?

That's not what I meant.

But you couldn't possibly mean you think
Ben might die on Friday, couldn't I?

Are you as stupid as she is?

Of course I'm not. No offence.

But what if Ben becomes so obsessed with
the idea of dying on Friday that he

gives himself a heart attack or decides
to kill himself?

Hmm.

You should try and take his mind off it.

Get him to think about something else.

What's your favourite vegetable?

What? Favourite vegetable?

Would you like to tell me what yours is?

No.

Would you like to hear what mine is?

No.

Come on.

What's wrong?

Apart from dying on Friday and finding
out God exists.

I can't piss when there's someone else
in the bog.

I'll come back later then. Leave you on
your own.

I won't be on my own, will I?

You're forgetting?

Him?

Who?

God. He's everywhere, all the time. I'll
never be able to piss again.

Maybe that's how you're going to die.

Your bladder might fill up so much at
birth and then you'll end up bleeding to

death.

Please go away.

Right.

And this is where we'll be staying.

Three -star hotel, but we'll be sharing
rooms to keep the costs down.

You realise I haven't said I'll come
yet?

Yeah, but you haven't said you won't.
I'm about to.

What? I won't come to Dublin.

There, I said it.

But why?

Because I'm bored of you talking about
your stag weekend.

And I'd be bored if I came on your stag
weekend, so please, don't ever mention

your stag weekend again. I'll mention
what I fucking like, you fucking fuck.

you're not having a mat or a timetable.
Fine by me.

No girl?

What? Stag? No. He's not coming to
Dublin.

Oh. Is anyone going to Dublin?

Yes. Why does everybody assume I have no
friends?

Because you have no friends. I've got
friends.

And we're going to enjoy ourselves a
lot.

You'll be sorry you missed it. What did
I tell you never to mention again? Fuck

you, love.

Ping thinks I should spend the whole
week in Dublin. No, two nights is

What's good to you?

I'm just saying you shouldn't stay away
too long.

Ping might get lonely.

Are you telling me how to treat my
fiancée? I'm not. I just think you

hurry back.

I'll come back when I'm fucking ready.

Ping?

Oh.

Any luck?

No. I'll have another drink, try and
build up the pressure.

Will you get me a pint of lager? I don't
think I can walk as far as the bar.

Will you shut the fuck up?

Sorry.

I've been thinking.

On Friday, when I die, will I go to
heaven?

Yes.

How do you know?

I don't.

What if I go to hell?

You won't.

How can you be certain?

I can't.

Who do you mean?

Right.

I'm safe from syphilis.

What? Even if I had sex straight away,
there wouldn't be time for me to develop

any symptoms before Friday.

That's fantastic news.

By the way, who would you have the sex
with?

There'd be someone wanting to shag me. I
have the pulling power of a dying man.

And how does that work exactly?

Women can sense. I've only got hours to
live. They see in my face the devil -may

-care attitude of someone with nothing
to lose.

And that links you with crack people
women?

Very.

Will you tell him or shall I?

What a fucking waste, you've pissed it
off the wall. Round the corner where

can't see, the sea is coming up from
every wall.

The city's hard, the city's bad, it's
all you've done. You've got nothing on

now, and when it's all right, when it's
all right... Ah, a little ping, bless

her. Packed my suitcase for doubling
last time.

Don't want to get me out the house.

Can't imagine why.

The National Blood Donor Service is
arriving today.

I expect every member of staff, every
dinner lady, every student aged 17 and

above to donate one pint of blood. For
every pint donated by the school, we

receive an additional 0 .001 % of our
authority grant.

Anyone unwilling to help will have to
have a very good reason.

Lady Macbeth has gone mad, partly
because she feels guilty, but does she

anything to feel guilty about?

Turn that off, please.

I have to take this.

Yeah?

No, I can't.

Cos I can't.

I've got these reports for you.

7D, 9A, 11D.

Put them over there.

Every time I ask you where you are, you
don't want to...

I've been very, very honest with my
comments. And I'll be dead by the time

anyone reads their reports. What's the
worst they can do, kill me?

No.

I'll be dead.

Which means there's no could -do -better
or room for improvement. It's all crap,

lazy thick.

You should see what I've written about
Taylor.

Normally I wouldn't dare, but... Liz
won't see it till Monday, so who gives

What won't I see till Monday? Nothing.

Kayla's report.

I hope you've been encouraging.

Yes. She's bright and very much your
daughter. Can I read what you've

No.

It's just the first draft.

I haven't, you know, polished it yet.

Well, you can polish it while you're
giving blood.

You've both got free periods next, so...
I'll go first.

Will you write a good report about
Kayla?

Absolutely. Is there anything in
particular that you'd like me to say?

I'd like you to say what you really
think.

Oh. Unless that will cause you problems.

No, of course not. I could write
something very flattering, very

that would help in any way.

Whatever you write won't stop me doing
what I'm going to do. So don't get your

hopes up. No, I wasn't. Of course you
weren't.

Oh, fuck, I just realised.

What? This is where my death begins.

In there.

At the hands of those pale people.

They're going to kill me.

I don't think they're allowed to.

They probably won't mean to, but they'll
start a chain of medical events that'll

lead to my death.

My agonising death.

On Friday.

A bubble of air in my bloodstream.

A virus from a dirty needle. A torn
artery that leaks.

I'll give two pints, and we can say one
of them was yours.

They won't let you. They've got rules.

Is this the queue?

No, no, we're just standing here.

So you don't mind if I, um... Please.

Go bleed.

I've come to give blood.

Can I have the tea and biscuits first?

Better still, can I have the biscuits
without giving blood?

No?

You told me.

Yes, you did. You said you were going to
come. You know you're not supposed to

smoke in school.

You coming?

Yeah, when I finish this.

I hope you haven't told your friends
about her. I'm sorry, but I really can't

talk to you.

Why not?

Well, if this goes to court.

Actually, if I'm telling you this, I
guess I'm talking to you, which I've

told I mustn't do, so...

Stop now.

Please, I can't deal with this on my
own. Oh, well. You know how much trouble

I'll be in if Liz takes this any
further.

She said you'd do your crying out.

What are you doing?

Trying to work out if I'm a good man.

Oh, right.

Why? Someone has to check if I'm going
to heaven.

Have I clocked up enough points to
qualify for a comfortable afterlife?

Have you clocked up any points?

Yeah, a few.

But there's still time to get more.

Jesus would probably want me to help the
sick and lame, but you can't be arsed.

The best thing you can do is give all
your money and belongings away.

What would you do to get yourself some
points?

Well, pray a lot. Maybe say sorry for
all the bad things I've done.

Have you confessed your sins to a
priest?

I'm not a Catholic. What about God?

What about him? Is God a Catholic?

Well, the Catholics think he is, but the
Methodists think he's a Methodist.

He can't be both.

Shit, I've been thinking about a
Christian God.

But God could be a Muslim. He could be a
Hindu. He could be anything.

Now, now I don't know who to pray to.
And if God's not English, I don't even

know what language to use.

What languages can you speak?

Okay, I'll use English, but...

Is it too late to change religion?

What religion should I go for?

What religion is God?

How the fuck should I know?

Okay, here's what I'm doing. For the
last few days of my life, I'm going to

up to the main god, a different god per
day, so whichever afterlife I go to,

I'll be allowed into heaven.

Will I have time to please all the gods?

If I spend half a day on each one...
Sorry, when did I ask you to tell me

you were doing?

You didn't.

I just thought you'd want to know that
today I'm a Muslim.

I've turned to Allah and the Prophet
Muhammad, peace be upon him.

I'd like some peace upon me now, if you
don't mind.

It's fine now, thanks.

Really, I'm not feeling sick anymore.

Should you be doing that?

Good Friday,

bad day, Sunday.

No!

Don't touch me.

Please.

Leave me alone.

Have you long time?

What? Can I come to Dublin? No. Back
off. Please, I really want to.

What's up? There's no room. You found 20
people to go with you. Yes.

If you let me come, I'm sure Daniel will
change his mind.

Would it? He would be there like a shot
if I was invited.

Okay.

You're invited.

Which way is East?

What the fuck are you doing with that?

And why the fuck do you want to know
where East is?

I have to face towards Mecca.

When I'm praying.

What? What?

Don't start that again.

Right, that's it.

I'll come back later.

You can have some tea and biscuits now.

Is that supposed to make up for
assaulting me?

Hi.

Will you please fuck off?

I'm not expecting you to talk to me, but
you can't go anywhere, so you might as

well listen.

I realise it's all my fault, what's
happened.

If I'd have been more responsible in the
first place, if I'd have been able to

deal with it like a grown -up, if I
hadn't have been so angry with you, I

apologise for being immature and
pathetic.

Don't forget selfish.

What? You're immature, pathetic and
selfish.

Sorry.

I know I've only got myself to blame,
but you do realise that if this actually

went to court, you could ruin my life,
end my life, really.

I'd be in all the papers. I'd never work
in a school again.

That's all I can do.

I can't stop you.

doing whatever you feel you have to.

But is that really what you want?

Good news?

What? Bob's inviting me to Dublin.

Yeah, that's news, but good?

Nah. That'll be great fun, don't you
think?

No, what I think is, how the fuck could
it be anything other than terrible?

We'll all get pissed.

You can get pissed at home.

Not by drinking Guinness?

Yes, by drinking Guinness. You can buy
Guinness anyway. You will come with us,

though, won't you?

No. But I promise, Bob, you would.

In which case, what's going to happen?

Bob's going to think you're coming. Yes.

Until the very last minute.

Yes.

And then you won't turn up.

Correct.

Shit. Why are you such a bitch?

I'm not a bitch.

I just display bitch -like qualities
when being dumped by someone ten years

younger than me.

How would you feel if you got dumped by
a seven -year -old? I guess I'd be a

little worried that I'd gone out with a
seven -year -old.

But you're right, to be dumped by her
would be humiliating.

Especially if she did it in the
playground, as I was pushing her swing.

There you are, then.

Why does Liz hate you so much?

I guess she's jealous.

Well, you would be if you were her. Liz,
we were just talking about you. You

bastard.

She's going to be so pissed off when she
knows I won't do what she wants.

Why don't we keep that to ourselves,
then?

OK.

So, again.

Yes. Please. Cheers.

Tell me, as a Muslim, how did you enjoy
that lager?

What do you mean?

I mean, as a Muslim, would you recommend
that particular brand of alcoholic

beverage?

It's okay.

And as a Muslim, will you be having
another pint?

I'm not supposed to drink, am I?

What should I be next?

If I could grow a beard, I might just
make it as a seat.

But not by Friday.

Are Mormons allowed to wait?

Hello.

Forgive me, Ewan, for I have sinned.

Have you?

Yes.

And since I'm a Catholic at the moment,
I'd like to hear my confession.

You know you think the fat barman in the
pub really hates you?

Yeah.

He does really hate you.

Why?

Because I told him you slept with his
girlfriend.

I was very drunk, and it seemed funny at
the time, and I didn't realise he was

very gullible, and I'm sorry he always
spits in your beer and won't... He spits

in my beer?

I thought you knew.

No.

I should have told you before.

Yeah.

But I guess it doesn't really matter.
Not when you compare it with, you know,

dying on Friday.

It's kind of you to say that.

It's fine.

I'll just tell the barman I didn't sleep
with his girlfriend and everything will

be okay.

Apart from you being dead very soon.

Morning. Any sign of that?

No. You don't think he died a day early?

Well... Oh, sadly not.

I'm kind of safe from porphyria.

Oh, that's great.

What's porphyria?

It's a disruption of the nervous system.

Is it painful?

Very. And you haven't got it? What a
pity.

What is that on your head?

It's my yarmulke.

You're what? My Jewish skullcap.

Why would you want to wear a Jewish
skullcap?

Because I'm Jewish. I thought you were
Catholic.

That was last night.

But now...

If

I

were a rich man...

All day long I'm giddy -giddy -bumped If
I were a wealthy man

Being

Jewish

comes very naturally to me. I get
depressed.

I complain a lot. I've always liked the
word goy in.

Is that a real word?

Or did you just make it up?

It means someone who isn't Jewish.

Someone like you?

Don't be such a nebbish.

I'll be a nebbish if I want.

What's a nebbish?

What happened to you last night?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Well, I thought I would. Now I'm not so
sure.

Me and Anthony got married together.

Oh, that's great.

So that means you really are a fucking
idiot.

You can't fight these things.

You can't, apparently.

And Anthony said he's not going to take
this any further, even if Liz wants him

to. Ah.

I didn't sleep with him just to get out
of trouble.

Then why did you sleep with him?

Because he's gorgeous.

Good morning.

In case some of you thought you got away
with it, the blood people are coming

back today, at my request. The three
dinner ladies, two sixth formers and one

member of staff who haven't yet donated
a pint will have plenty of time to make

amends.

Rather than name and shame them, I'm
going to keep their identities a secret.

Could I have a word?

Mr Burton?

I think I'm a haemophiliac.

If they stuck a needle in my arm, I
might never stop bleeding.

The last time you cut yourself, did you
stop bleeding?

Things change.

I might have become a haemophiliac.

Till we find out.

Ah!

That really hurt.

Are you bleeding?

Yes. If it stops in the next hour,
you'll know you're fine to give blood.

And if it doesn't?

I'll let you off.

Don't miss one.

Quint? Have you given blood yet?

I'm not allowed. What's the matter with
you, you selfish twat?

There are people dying out there for
lack of plasma.

Do something worthwhile for once in your
pathetic little life. Go and give

blood.

Oh, and tell them your name's Ben Burke.

My name's Ben Burke.

Over there.

Are you sure I can do this? I'm only 14.

Yeah, and I'm in Nigeria.

Now rub your flea.

What can I do for you, Bob?

The T -shirts are ready.

And here's yours.

100 % polyester.

Impressive. Don't forget to wear it.

All weekend.

You don't seem to be wearing anything
else.

Ralph, how hot's your oven?

220 degrees, sir. That'll do.

Stay this in there.

Time when it's melted.

Still Jewish?

Yeah. I'm enjoying it. All the
kvetching, the chutzpah, the nachas.

me a sore throat, though.

You bought a new scone can?

Not all, as such.

It looks like a... breast pad.

It is a breast pad.

Carol let me borrow one of hers.

You don't think God might wonder if
you're taking the piss, wearing a soggy

piece of cotton wool on your head?

I think my Jewish God will sit for what
it really is.

A breast pad?

Hey, give it back, you anti -Semitic
twat.

Fuck it, nearly five religions anyway.

Yeah, you won't need a skullcap for the
next one, will you?

You might have to hide it, just in case
the next God thought you were Jewish.

What do you mean?

Well, the only God that likes Jews is
the Jewish God.

Or am I being stupid?

What about your girlfriend?

I didn't sleep with your girlfriend.

No? Why do you want to talk about it?

Up till now, I thought your mate was
making it up, but if you want to talk

my girlfriend, you must have slept with
her. No.

Oh.

If you didn't think I did till now, why
did you spit in my beer every night?

Just in case I was wrong.

I honestly didn't sleep with your
girlfriend.

It's going to be a fatal accident now.

There's no time for a disease to take
hold. From now on, anything could lead

my death.

Peanut? Yes, a peanut could kill me if I
choked on it.

But if I'm careful, I could last the
whole day. I'll just have to avoid fat

cars, potholes, falling trees, falling
masonry, psychopaths with knives,

psychopaths with guns, psychopaths full
stop, electric heaters in the bath,

lawnmower cables, worn stair carpets,
broken glass in my food, wasps, rabid

dogs, feral cats.

You're bleeding. Where are my bleedings?
Shit, someone's coming. Oh, fuck, I'm

going to die.

You can hardly blame me for
overreacting.

Jesus Christ, what's that?

I thought it might be nice to have a
final photo.

You could have given me a heart attack.
You could have killed me. I'm really

sorry.

Do you want to give Ben a hug?

Take a wild guess.

Midnight.

Oh, fuck.

Don't worry. Just think about going to
heaven.

Think about the lovely afterlife you're
about to enjoy.

Probably. I can't think about that.

Not now.

Why not?

Because I'm frightened.

Seven hours, 23 minutes and 30 seconds.

Seven hours, 23 minutes and 35 seconds.

Seven hours... Yeah, I can tell the time
myself.

You see what I'm saying?

With each minute that goes by, you've
lived a little longer.

What the fuck are you doing?

He didn't want to die alone.

It's a comfort to be with both of you at
this moment in my life.

Fuck off.

He's doing very well. He's survived for
seven hours and 24 minutes.

But that means I've only got 16 hours,
36 minutes left to live at most.

What's going on?

I'm taking a few mementos.

That's my bed.

Well, you'll need it again. Knows you're
going to die before midnight.

But it's my bed.

Yeah, and it's much more comfy than my
bed.

I might want to lie down this evening.

You've more time for surviving if you
stay on your feet.

No, don't you understand? I've got no
chance of surviving. I am a dead man.

Morning. Morning.

Aren't you going to ask them what I did
last night?

Only if you promise not to tell them.

Right, I'll see you after school.

Now, this isn't advice, so no tears, no
tears.

You go home now, yeah?

Oh, Damien?

Don't forget, coach leaves at midnight.
He'll be there.

And I still lie.

I'd like to have my favourite part.

See?

Better not. The water might be poisoned,
leading to stomach cramps and vomiting.

A simple no thanks would have been fine.

Fine.

So.

No skullcap, no prayer mat.

What are you today?

I'm nothing.

I mean, I still believe in God.

God, plural.

And that's the problem.

They're all watching me, all the time.

If they see me praying to a different
God, it's really going to piss them off.

I want you to have this.

What the fuck is that?

It's my appendix.

As soon as you're dead, it's gone in the
bin.

Can I have your mobile phone?

Can I say something?

You insensitive bitch.

14 hours, 51 minutes.

Sir?

Sir?

Yeah? Are you going to take the
register?

What's the point?

What's the point in doing anything
today?

Can we go then?

No. I want you to think about the things
you could do if you had all the time in

the world.

There must be something you want to try
before you die.

Any sex?

Keep that dream alive.

Don't let anyone tell you it's not
possible. Oh, and by the way, God

God exists.

Loads of them.

But you won't be able to keep them all
happy, so just ignore them. That's my

advice.

Goodbye, William.

I found something extra special for you.

Me? Why?

You've always been there for me.

Yeah, but... Well, if I wasn't, I mean,
if I couldn't be there for you for any

reason, you'd be OK.

I mean, for example, you wouldn't mind
if I had to leave a bit early tonight?

What?

And not come back?

You'd be fine, wouldn't you?

No, I wouldn't be fine. I wouldn't be
fine at all.

You're... you're the rock.

You're the rock on which I'm leaning.

Am I?

Well, that's nice, but maybe you should
find a different rock. I can't find a

different rock. Of course you can. There
are loads of rocks out there. No, there

aren't. Yes, there are. I've seen them.
But you're the only rock I need.

Am I?

OK.

So, it's the final match of the season.

If Arsenal beat Liverpool by two goals
to nil, they become league champions.

The question Nick Hornby seems to be
asking is... ..should I go

to Dublin and miss my friend's death?

Or should I stay at home and risk having
sex with a colleague's fiancée?

Sir?

Hello?

Sorry, yes.

Sir, if you're going to talk shit today,
could I slip away and get my legs

waxed? It's not shit, it's just... I'm
very confused.

OK.

When you're left confused, I'll come
back.

Wait.

I should probably go to Dublin, don't
you think?

Whatever.

One hour,

27 minutes.

Time's running out. You'd better get the
next round.

She's right.

Same again, please.

And get one for Ping.

Ping?

Why ping?

Bob's dropping off on his way to the
coach.

Why the fuck's he doing that?

What's the fucking point of dropping
ping here? For fuck's sake!

I'd better go.

Where are you going?

To meet Bob. What?

The coach leaves at midnight.

Yeah, the coach leaves. You don't leave.

I have to. It's Bob's dad weekend. I'm
really sorry.

And what about me?

All my pleading to stay close to me in
my hour of need. That means nothing to

you. That means a lot.

See ya.

No, you can't go!

Oh, please stop.

Please. Please.

In case you haven't worked it out, he
wants you to stay.

I suppose I could hang on a little
longer.

If you promise to die before 11 .30.

I'll do my best.

Okay, then.

Well, maybe we should go somewhere else.
Where?

Back to us. We could have a party. A
party?

Do you really think that's appropriate?

Why not?

Maybe I didn't mention it before. I'm
about to die. And we could celebrate

life as soon as it's finished.

Why don't you just turn the body to my
bed, set fire to me and send me off down

the river?

It's my bed now and no -one's setting
fire to it. Either way, come on, let's

What about Ping? Shouldn't we wait for
her? Nah.

I've given her a photo of a pint of
lager. She always weaves out at the

if she's thirsty.

Right then, so let's move. Come on.

Why are you looking so pleased with
yourself?

No reason.

Making the most of your freedom while it
lasts. It could last a lot longer than

you think.

Really? You can speak to Auntie Mary for
me, if you don't believe me.

Right, that's it.

27 minutes.

Fucking cow!

Oi, keep the noise down.

Right, well, guess I'd better be going.

Did you probably get that?

No. It could be a professional hitman
sent by the Maccies to gun me down.

There's no one there.

This bell has been playing up all week.

So, what shall we do till midnight?

I'm doing it.

You're going to watch television while I
die?

Do you want a hug?

No.

What about lager?

No.

Oh, God, no.

I thought you were going.

I think it's more important I'm here.

Don't you?

Bitch! Bitch!

Top up.

No?

Ten.

Nine.

Will you please turn your mobiles off?

With pleasure.

Four.

Three.

Two.

What? Midnight.

I'm still alive.

I'm still fucking alive.

Look, I'm breathing. I'm talking.

Any time you could stop talking.

Fuck you, God.

You don't exist. I mean, you didn't. But
what if he does exist?

And he wants to see how you'd react to
not dying?

Eh? What if he's now so angry with you
for all that, he's going to kill you

after all?

Shit.

Sorry, I didn't mean it. Shut up. There
is no God.

You're not going to die. Only a fucking
idiot would have thought you were.

I thought you were going to die. It's
like him.

You're not disappointed, are you, that
I'm still alive?

I'm not disappointed, no, but I was
rather hoping the Ouija board was right.

You were hoping I'd be dead by now?

No.

Well, yeah.

There's nothing personal.

Oh, that's okay, then. Bitch.

Right. I'm off to bed.

What do you mean?

You can't go to bed.

Not now we know I'm going to be all
right.

I always knew you were going to be all
right.

Good night. Hang on.

Where are you sleeping?

In my bed.

In your bed, not my bed?

No, not your bed. My bed.

My new bed.

Well, that's my bed.

Book it up.

Where am I going to sleep?

That's your problem, not my problem.

What's up?

Are you okay?

Fine. Not you. Damien, are you all
right?

I'm bleeding.

Fucking hell, I'm really bleeding.

What? He's hurting himself.

Bleeding. Serves him right, fucking
fucker. Fucking fucker.

Oh,

fuck!