Original subtitles

Are you saying no?

I'm not saying yes. What are you saying?

I'm saying maybe.

I've been on a lot of terrible stag nights.

Well, mine's a stag weekend.

I'm not sure that makes it better, just longer.

We'll have a laugh.

Who's we?

Not you.

Anyone, mate.

Sorry, blokes only.

Am I supposed to look disappointed?

You're invited.

Oh, fuck, am I?

I mean, is it this weekend?

Yep, two days in Dublin.

I'm pretty sure I've got something planned.

Why don't you check your diary, just in case you're wrong?

I've no idea where my diary is at the moment.

It'll be in your bag.

I don't think so.

Have a look.

I bet it's there.

Oh, no.

No, it doesn't seem to be. What's this thing?

Let's see what these so -called plans are.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Ah, your weekend's free.

It's this Friday.

What's this Friday?

My death.

On Friday, I'm going to die.

Couldn't you die on Monday?

It's not up to me. It's been foretold. Who by?

A Ouija board.

It all happened ten years ago.

There I was sitting round a table with my friends.

We asked them questions of the spirits and they gave us some answers.

How?

I'm moving a little glass round a table.

Yeah.

Your friends were pushing the glass. That's what friends do.

I don't think so.

You know why I don't think so?

Because you're insane?

No. Because the Ouija board that foretold my death made another

And it's already come true.

Really?

And what was that prediction?

I was told I'd get bitten by a dog.

And I was.

Anyone else been bitten by a dog?

What's your point? Your point is you are a gullible toddler.

Hang on, let's get this straight. You're saying no to my stag weekend?

Yes. Because you'll be dead?

Yes.

So, there's a spare place on the couch.

Dream on, fucker.

Why would anybody fuck about with a week's worth of things, see? There's

girl at Megan.

We're not talking about you. We're talking about a friend of ours who

he's going to die.

Even though he's not.

Is he?

No, he's not.

Oh, hey.

How come yours delay?

What do you mean?

I thought they'd have locked you up by now.

Fuck off.

There he is.

Shall I make him some tea?

He's not ill.

Well, he thinks he hasn't got long left to live, which would be the same thing.

Put off.

Morning.

I'm sure you're as excited as I am that it's time to write the winter term

records of progress.

Liz will be handing out report forms for those with tutor groups in years 7, 9

and 11.

Liz. What?

The reports.

I haven't got them.

I asked Carol to make sure you brought them with you. Well, Carol chose to keep

that to herself.

We'll talk about this later.

Thank you.

Liz, can I just ask you?

I mean, I'm sorry to bother you like this.

I know you think you know something about me, and even though you're wrong,

would like to know what you think you might do about what you think you know.

If you're worried I'm going to tell someone about the sex you've been having

with a student, you're quite right to worry.

I am going to tell someone.

I don't know who I'll tell or when I'll tell them.

But there'll come a day when I need cheering up.

And it could be quite soon.

Sir?

Sir?

Why is it called Good Friday?

Is that the day that Jesus died?

There are various theories.

Good used to mean holy, or good got swapped with God, so really it's God's

Friday.

Or maybe it's good because Jesus didn't know exactly when he was going to die.

He wasn't told ten years before when he'd be crucified.

Big surprise for Jesus.

One minute he's having his supper, the next minute, bang, he's nailed to a

cross.

Lucky bastard.

That's the end of the book, it.

I've got no brothers or sisters.

Now I'll never have children, so the family name dies with me.

I thought your mum and dad were still alive.

They are.

But the shock of my death will probably kill them.

Then maybe you should bring them. Can't you warn them?

No. They might want to come and stay.

Oh, for God's sake, you think you've got problems?

Actually, I've only got one problem. I'm going to die.

Really? You should have told us.

I left some sperm in the fridge, but you see what you can do with it.

You mean when making a tasty snack?

No, I mean, did you give it to some infertile couple?

So they can have the baby I always wanted.

Since when did you want a baby?

Since I realised the Burkitt line was coming to an end. So about a minute ago.

Lindsay, Penny, I've been thinking about Ping.

If you've got an erection, I don't want you near me.

If I'm having a stag week engine, Ping, have a hen night.

What's it got to do with us? Well, I was hoping you might like to organise it.

No. No.

No.

What?

No.

Oh.

Look, she hasn't got any friends in this country.

That's our problem.

How?

I'm just saying that you could take her for a few drinks, be nice to her just

for once. I don't do nice.

I heard that.

Year nine reports. When you've done them, give them to Carol.

Mum. It's your job.

No, you fuck off. Yeah. No, you fuck off. Off.

No, you fuck off.

You got any books with lists of medical

symptoms? I teach biology, medicine.

Same thing, isn't it?

Yes, it's exactly the same, apart from being completely different.

Don't you have any stuff on diseases?

No. Why?

If I'm ready for the worst possible scenario, I won't get taken by surprise,

I'm trying to work out how I might die.

Will that help?

No, not really. But I don't want to suffer.

So if I know my death won't be painful, I won't dread it quite so much. If it

doesn't hurt, you can live with it, so to speak.

Exactly. The good news is I'm safe from cancer. I'd have had symptoms by now.

What about that brain tumour you had this week?

I think it was just a headache after all. Is that what they said in casualty?

Yeah.

Can we keep the noise down, please?

Thank you.

Just think, you might start dying tonight.

What? Obviously the death itself won't happen for Friday, but... My body could

stop working bit by bit. What if I'm paralysed from the neck down?

How will I communicate?

Get a talking computer, like Stephen Hawking. Will someone please toss me

Tell them I don't want to live like that, even for a couple of days. Tell

to pull the plug.

I'll pull it myself, mate.

Do that for me? With pleasure.

And I'll help, if you wanted me to.

Don't look at the plugs, or anything electrical.

Stop bumming each other.

We're off to the pub.

We could have you awake tonight with you, the corpse, buying all the drinks.

You can mock all you like. When I've gone, you'll be sorry.

When you've gone, I'll be fucking amazed.

Penny will probably send you messages on a Ouija board.

Oh, what am I going to do now? I've been outed as a child molester.

I wouldn't ask him anything stupid. I'd ask him proper questions.

Such as?

What's it like in the afterlife?

There is no afterlife.

Oh, so you're one of these people who think that when you die, that's the end?

Yep. And there's nothing else? No?

You know, something.

There's no, you know, something.

There's no God. If there was a God, he'd be showing me a sign by now.

What sort of sign?

Some kind of miracle?

I don't know.

Something like Ralph suddenly being able to walk.

Would you call that a sign?

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck. There is a God.

Now he tells me.

Fucking bastard.

He's still talking to God.

I'm just telling him I think he's a bastard.

Yep, I'll get him on your side. What sort of God brings a surprise like this

someone who's about to die?

A God with a sense of humour.

It's not funny.

Well, I think I've had my fill of fun and laughter.

You're not going?

Then why am I moving towards the door?

The thing is, I wanted to have a chat.

If the chat was going to be...

Please don't tell anyone I had sex with a student.

I really wouldn't bother.

You don't think?

No.

But what if?

Would you like one of us to join in this conversation, or are you happy by

yourself? I was just wondering, what if Ben actually does die on Friday?

What would we do?

That's a good question.

Is it?

Yeah. Should we get another flatmate, or keep the room free and put a pool table

in there?

That's not what I meant.

But you couldn't possibly mean you think Ben might die on Friday, couldn't I?

Are you as stupid as she is?

Of course I'm not. No offence.

But what if Ben becomes so obsessed with the idea of dying on Friday that he

gives himself a heart attack or decides to kill himself?

Hmm.

You should try and take his mind off it.

Get him to think about something else.

What's your favourite vegetable?

What? Favourite vegetable?

Would you like to tell me what yours is?

No.

Would you like to hear what mine is?

No.

Come on.

What's wrong?

Apart from dying on Friday and finding out God exists.

I can't piss when there's someone else in the bog.

I'll come back later then. Leave you on your own.

I won't be on my own, will I?

You're forgetting?

Him?

Who?

God. He's everywhere, all the time. I'll never be able to piss again.

Maybe that's how you're going to die.

Your bladder might fill up so much at birth and then you'll end up bleeding to

death.

Please go away.

Right.

And this is where we'll be staying.

Three -star hotel, but we'll be sharing rooms to keep the costs down.

You realise I haven't said I'll come yet?

Yeah, but you haven't said you won't. I'm about to.

What? I won't come to Dublin.

There, I said it.

But why?

Because I'm bored of you talking about your stag weekend.

And I'd be bored if I came on your stag weekend, so please, don't ever mention

your stag weekend again. I'll mention what I fucking like, you fucking fuck.

you're not having a mat or a timetable. Fine by me.

No girl?

What? Stag? No. He's not coming to Dublin.

Oh. Is anyone going to Dublin?

Yes. Why does everybody assume I have no friends?

Because you have no friends. I've got friends.

And we're going to enjoy ourselves a lot.

You'll be sorry you missed it. What did I tell you never to mention again? Fuck

you, love.

Ping thinks I should spend the whole week in Dublin. No, two nights is

What's good to you?

I'm just saying you shouldn't stay away too long.

Ping might get lonely.

Are you telling me how to treat my fiancée? I'm not. I just think you

hurry back.

I'll come back when I'm fucking ready.

Ping?

Oh.

Any luck?

No. I'll have another drink, try and build up the pressure.

Will you get me a pint of lager? I don't think I can walk as far as the bar.

Will you shut the fuck up?

Sorry.

I've been thinking.

On Friday, when I die, will I go to heaven?

Yes.

How do you know?

I don't.

What if I go to hell?

You won't.

How can you be certain?

I can't.

Who do you mean?

Right.

I'm safe from syphilis.

What? Even if I had sex straight away, there wouldn't be time for me to develop

any symptoms before Friday.

That's fantastic news.

By the way, who would you have the sex with?

There'd be someone wanting to shag me. I have the pulling power of a dying man.

And how does that work exactly?

Women can sense. I've only got hours to live. They see in my face the devil -may

-care attitude of someone with nothing to lose.

And that links you with crack people women?

Very.

Will you tell him or shall I?

What a fucking waste, you've pissed it off the wall. Round the corner where

can't see, the sea is coming up from every wall.

The city's hard, the city's bad, it's all you've done. You've got nothing on

now, and when it's all right, when it's all right... Ah, a little ping, bless

her. Packed my suitcase for doubling last time.

Don't want to get me out the house.

Can't imagine why.

The National Blood Donor Service is arriving today.

I expect every member of staff, every dinner lady, every student aged 17 and

above to donate one pint of blood. For every pint donated by the school, we

receive an additional 0 .001 % of our authority grant.

Anyone unwilling to help will have to have a very good reason.

Lady Macbeth has gone mad, partly because she feels guilty, but does she

anything to feel guilty about?

Turn that off, please.

I have to take this.

Yeah?

No, I can't.

Cos I can't.

I've got these reports for you.

7D, 9A, 11D.

Put them over there.

Every time I ask you where you are, you don't want to...

I've been very, very honest with my comments. And I'll be dead by the time

anyone reads their reports. What's the worst they can do, kill me?

No.

I'll be dead.

Which means there's no could -do -better or room for improvement. It's all crap,

lazy thick.

You should see what I've written about Taylor.

Normally I wouldn't dare, but... Liz won't see it till Monday, so who gives

What won't I see till Monday? Nothing.

Kayla's report.

I hope you've been encouraging.

Yes. She's bright and very much your daughter. Can I read what you've

No.

It's just the first draft.

I haven't, you know, polished it yet.

Well, you can polish it while you're giving blood.

You've both got free periods next, so... I'll go first.

Will you write a good report about Kayla?

Absolutely. Is there anything in particular that you'd like me to say?

I'd like you to say what you really think.

Oh. Unless that will cause you problems.

No, of course not. I could write something very flattering, very

that would help in any way.

Whatever you write won't stop me doing what I'm going to do. So don't get your

hopes up. No, I wasn't. Of course you weren't.

Oh, fuck, I just realised.

What? This is where my death begins.

In there.

At the hands of those pale people.

They're going to kill me.

I don't think they're allowed to.

They probably won't mean to, but they'll start a chain of medical events that'll

lead to my death.

My agonising death.

On Friday.

A bubble of air in my bloodstream.

A virus from a dirty needle. A torn artery that leaks.

I'll give two pints, and we can say one of them was yours.

They won't let you. They've got rules.

Is this the queue?

No, no, we're just standing here.

So you don't mind if I, um... Please.

Go bleed.

I've come to give blood.

Can I have the tea and biscuits first?

Better still, can I have the biscuits without giving blood?

No?

You told me.

Yes, you did. You said you were going to come. You know you're not supposed to

smoke in school.

You coming?

Yeah, when I finish this.

I hope you haven't told your friends about her. I'm sorry, but I really can't

talk to you.

Why not?

Well, if this goes to court.

Actually, if I'm telling you this, I guess I'm talking to you, which I've

told I mustn't do, so...

Stop now.

Please, I can't deal with this on my own. Oh, well. You know how much trouble

I'll be in if Liz takes this any further.

She said you'd do your crying out.

What are you doing?

Trying to work out if I'm a good man.

Oh, right.

Why? Someone has to check if I'm going to heaven.

Have I clocked up enough points to qualify for a comfortable afterlife?

Have you clocked up any points?

Yeah, a few.

But there's still time to get more.

Jesus would probably want me to help the sick and lame, but you can't be arsed.

The best thing you can do is give all your money and belongings away.

What would you do to get yourself some points?

Well, pray a lot. Maybe say sorry for all the bad things I've done.

Have you confessed your sins to a priest?

I'm not a Catholic. What about God?

What about him? Is God a Catholic?

Well, the Catholics think he is, but the Methodists think he's a Methodist.

He can't be both.

Shit, I've been thinking about a Christian God.

But God could be a Muslim. He could be a Hindu. He could be anything.

Now, now I don't know who to pray to. And if God's not English, I don't even

know what language to use.

What languages can you speak?

Okay, I'll use English, but...

Is it too late to change religion?

What religion should I go for?

What religion is God?

How the fuck should I know?

Okay, here's what I'm doing. For the last few days of my life, I'm going to

up to the main god, a different god per day, so whichever afterlife I go to,

I'll be allowed into heaven.

Will I have time to please all the gods?

If I spend half a day on each one... Sorry, when did I ask you to tell me

you were doing?

You didn't.

I just thought you'd want to know that today I'm a Muslim.

I've turned to Allah and the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him.

I'd like some peace upon me now, if you don't mind.

It's fine now, thanks.

Really, I'm not feeling sick anymore.

Should you be doing that?

Good Friday,

bad day, Sunday.

No!

Don't touch me.

Please.

Leave me alone.

Have you long time?

What? Can I come to Dublin? No. Back off. Please, I really want to.

What's up? There's no room. You found 20 people to go with you. Yes.

If you let me come, I'm sure Daniel will change his mind.

Would it? He would be there like a shot if I was invited.

Okay.

You're invited.

Which way is East?

What the fuck are you doing with that?

And why the fuck do you want to know where East is?

I have to face towards Mecca.

When I'm praying.

What? What?

Don't start that again.

Right, that's it.

I'll come back later.

You can have some tea and biscuits now.

Is that supposed to make up for assaulting me?

Hi.

Will you please fuck off?

I'm not expecting you to talk to me, but you can't go anywhere, so you might as

well listen.

I realise it's all my fault, what's happened.

If I'd have been more responsible in the first place, if I'd have been able to

deal with it like a grown -up, if I hadn't have been so angry with you, I

apologise for being immature and pathetic.

Don't forget selfish.

What? You're immature, pathetic and selfish.

Sorry.

I know I've only got myself to blame, but you do realise that if this actually

went to court, you could ruin my life, end my life, really.

I'd be in all the papers. I'd never work in a school again.

That's all I can do.

I can't stop you.

doing whatever you feel you have to.

But is that really what you want?

Good news?

What? Bob's inviting me to Dublin.

Yeah, that's news, but good?

Nah. That'll be great fun, don't you think?

No, what I think is, how the fuck could it be anything other than terrible?

We'll all get pissed.

You can get pissed at home.

Not by drinking Guinness?

Yes, by drinking Guinness. You can buy Guinness anyway. You will come with us,

though, won't you?

No. But I promise, Bob, you would.

In which case, what's going to happen?

Bob's going to think you're coming. Yes.

Until the very last minute.

Yes.

And then you won't turn up.

Correct.

Shit. Why are you such a bitch?

I'm not a bitch.

I just display bitch -like qualities when being dumped by someone ten years

younger than me.

How would you feel if you got dumped by a seven -year -old? I guess I'd be a

little worried that I'd gone out with a seven -year -old.

But you're right, to be dumped by her would be humiliating.

Especially if she did it in the playground, as I was pushing her swing.

There you are, then.

Why does Liz hate you so much?

I guess she's jealous.

Well, you would be if you were her. Liz, we were just talking about you. You

bastard.

She's going to be so pissed off when she knows I won't do what she wants.

Why don't we keep that to ourselves, then?

OK.

So, again.

Yes. Please. Cheers.

Tell me, as a Muslim, how did you enjoy that lager?

What do you mean?

I mean, as a Muslim, would you recommend that particular brand of alcoholic

beverage?

It's okay.

And as a Muslim, will you be having another pint?

I'm not supposed to drink, am I?

What should I be next?

If I could grow a beard, I might just make it as a seat.

But not by Friday.

Are Mormons allowed to wait?

Hello.

Forgive me, Ewan, for I have sinned.

Have you?

Yes.

And since I'm a Catholic at the moment, I'd like to hear my confession.

You know you think the fat barman in the pub really hates you?

Yeah.

He does really hate you.

Why?

Because I told him you slept with his girlfriend.

I was very drunk, and it seemed funny at the time, and I didn't realise he was

very gullible, and I'm sorry he always spits in your beer and won't... He spits

in my beer?

I thought you knew.

No.

I should have told you before.

Yeah.

But I guess it doesn't really matter. Not when you compare it with, you know,

dying on Friday.

It's kind of you to say that.

It's fine.

I'll just tell the barman I didn't sleep with his girlfriend and everything will

be okay.

Apart from you being dead very soon.

Morning. Any sign of that?

No. You don't think he died a day early?

Well... Oh, sadly not.

I'm kind of safe from porphyria.

Oh, that's great.

What's porphyria?

It's a disruption of the nervous system.

Is it painful?

Very. And you haven't got it? What a pity.

What is that on your head?

It's my yarmulke.

You're what? My Jewish skullcap.

Why would you want to wear a Jewish skullcap?

Because I'm Jewish. I thought you were Catholic.

That was last night.

But now...

If

I

were a rich man...

All day long I'm giddy -giddy -bumped If I were a wealthy man

Being

Jewish

comes very naturally to me. I get depressed.

I complain a lot. I've always liked the word goy in.

Is that a real word?

Or did you just make it up?

It means someone who isn't Jewish.

Someone like you?

Don't be such a nebbish.

I'll be a nebbish if I want.

What's a nebbish?

What happened to you last night?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Well, I thought I would. Now I'm not so sure.

Me and Anthony got married together.

Oh, that's great.

So that means you really are a fucking idiot.

You can't fight these things.

You can't, apparently.

And Anthony said he's not going to take this any further, even if Liz wants him

to. Ah.

I didn't sleep with him just to get out of trouble.

Then why did you sleep with him?

Because he's gorgeous.

Good morning.

In case some of you thought you got away with it, the blood people are coming

back today, at my request. The three dinner ladies, two sixth formers and one

member of staff who haven't yet donated a pint will have plenty of time to make

amends.

Rather than name and shame them, I'm going to keep their identities a secret.

Could I have a word?

Mr Burton?

I think I'm a haemophiliac.

If they stuck a needle in my arm, I might never stop bleeding.

The last time you cut yourself, did you stop bleeding?

Things change.

I might have become a haemophiliac.

Till we find out.

Ah!

That really hurt.

Are you bleeding?

Yes. If it stops in the next hour, you'll know you're fine to give blood.

And if it doesn't?

I'll let you off.

Don't miss one.

Quint? Have you given blood yet?

I'm not allowed. What's the matter with you, you selfish twat?

There are people dying out there for lack of plasma.

Do something worthwhile for once in your pathetic little life. Go and give

blood.

Oh, and tell them your name's Ben Burke.

My name's Ben Burke.

Over there.

Are you sure I can do this? I'm only 14.

Yeah, and I'm in Nigeria.

Now rub your flea.

What can I do for you, Bob?

The T -shirts are ready.

And here's yours.

100 % polyester.

Impressive. Don't forget to wear it.

All weekend.

You don't seem to be wearing anything else.

Ralph, how hot's your oven?

220 degrees, sir. That'll do.

Stay this in there.

Time when it's melted.

Still Jewish?

Yeah. I'm enjoying it. All the kvetching, the chutzpah, the nachas.

me a sore throat, though.

You bought a new scone can?

Not all, as such.

It looks like a... breast pad.

It is a breast pad.

Carol let me borrow one of hers.

You don't think God might wonder if you're taking the piss, wearing a soggy

piece of cotton wool on your head?

I think my Jewish God will sit for what it really is.

A breast pad?

Hey, give it back, you anti -Semitic twat.

Fuck it, nearly five religions anyway.

Yeah, you won't need a skullcap for the next one, will you?

You might have to hide it, just in case the next God thought you were Jewish.

What do you mean?

Well, the only God that likes Jews is the Jewish God.

Or am I being stupid?

What about your girlfriend?

I didn't sleep with your girlfriend.

No? Why do you want to talk about it?

Up till now, I thought your mate was making it up, but if you want to talk

my girlfriend, you must have slept with her. No.

Oh.

If you didn't think I did till now, why did you spit in my beer every night?

Just in case I was wrong.

I honestly didn't sleep with your girlfriend.

It's going to be a fatal accident now.

There's no time for a disease to take hold. From now on, anything could lead

my death.

Peanut? Yes, a peanut could kill me if I choked on it.

But if I'm careful, I could last the whole day. I'll just have to avoid fat

cars, potholes, falling trees, falling masonry, psychopaths with knives,

psychopaths with guns, psychopaths full stop, electric heaters in the bath,

lawnmower cables, worn stair carpets, broken glass in my food, wasps, rabid

dogs, feral cats.

You're bleeding. Where are my bleedings? Shit, someone's coming. Oh, fuck, I'm

going to die.

You can hardly blame me for overreacting.

Jesus Christ, what's that?

I thought it might be nice to have a final photo.

You could have given me a heart attack. You could have killed me. I'm really

sorry.

Do you want to give Ben a hug?

Take a wild guess.

Midnight.

Oh, fuck.

Don't worry. Just think about going to heaven.

Think about the lovely afterlife you're about to enjoy.

Probably. I can't think about that.

Not now.

Why not?

Because I'm frightened.

Seven hours, 23 minutes and 30 seconds.

Seven hours, 23 minutes and 35 seconds.

Seven hours... Yeah, I can tell the time myself.

You see what I'm saying?

With each minute that goes by, you've lived a little longer.

What the fuck are you doing?

He didn't want to die alone.

It's a comfort to be with both of you at this moment in my life.

Fuck off.

He's doing very well. He's survived for seven hours and 24 minutes.

But that means I've only got 16 hours, 36 minutes left to live at most.

What's going on?

I'm taking a few mementos.

That's my bed.

Well, you'll need it again. Knows you're going to die before midnight.

But it's my bed.

Yeah, and it's much more comfy than my bed.

I might want to lie down this evening.

You've more time for surviving if you stay on your feet.

No, don't you understand? I've got no chance of surviving. I am a dead man.

Morning. Morning.

Aren't you going to ask them what I did last night?

Only if you promise not to tell them.

Right, I'll see you after school.

Now, this isn't advice, so no tears, no tears.

You go home now, yeah?

Oh, Damien?

Don't forget, coach leaves at midnight. He'll be there.

And I still lie.

I'd like to have my favourite part.

See?

Better not. The water might be poisoned, leading to stomach cramps and vomiting.

A simple no thanks would have been fine.

Fine.

So.

No skullcap, no prayer mat.

What are you today?

I'm nothing.

I mean, I still believe in God.

God, plural.

And that's the problem.

They're all watching me, all the time.

If they see me praying to a different God, it's really going to piss them off.

I want you to have this.

What the fuck is that?

It's my appendix.

As soon as you're dead, it's gone in the bin.

Can I have your mobile phone?

Can I say something?

You insensitive bitch.

14 hours, 51 minutes.

Sir?

Sir?

Yeah? Are you going to take the register?

What's the point?

What's the point in doing anything today?

Can we go then?

No. I want you to think about the things you could do if you had all the time in

the world.

There must be something you want to try before you die.

Any sex?

Keep that dream alive.

Don't let anyone tell you it's not possible. Oh, and by the way, God

God exists.

Loads of them.

But you won't be able to keep them all happy, so just ignore them. That's my

advice.

Goodbye, William.

I found something extra special for you.

Me? Why?

You've always been there for me.

Yeah, but... Well, if I wasn't, I mean, if I couldn't be there for you for any

reason, you'd be OK.

I mean, for example, you wouldn't mind if I had to leave a bit early tonight?

What?

And not come back?

You'd be fine, wouldn't you?

No, I wouldn't be fine. I wouldn't be fine at all.

You're... you're the rock.

You're the rock on which I'm leaning.

Am I?

Well, that's nice, but maybe you should find a different rock. I can't find a

different rock. Of course you can. There are loads of rocks out there. No, there

aren't. Yes, there are. I've seen them. But you're the only rock I need.

Am I?

OK.

So, it's the final match of the season.

If Arsenal beat Liverpool by two goals to nil, they become league champions.

The question Nick Hornby seems to be asking is... ..should I go

to Dublin and miss my friend's death?

Or should I stay at home and risk having sex with a colleague's fiancée?

Sir?

Hello?

Sorry, yes.

Sir, if you're going to talk shit today, could I slip away and get my legs

waxed? It's not shit, it's just... I'm very confused.

OK.

When you're left confused, I'll come back.

Wait.

I should probably go to Dublin, don't you think?

Whatever.

One hour,

27 minutes.

Time's running out. You'd better get the next round.

She's right.

Same again, please.

And get one for Ping.

Ping?

Why ping?

Bob's dropping off on his way to the coach.

Why the fuck's he doing that?

What's the fucking point of dropping ping here? For fuck's sake!

I'd better go.

Where are you going?

To meet Bob. What?

The coach leaves at midnight.

Yeah, the coach leaves. You don't leave.

I have to. It's Bob's dad weekend. I'm really sorry.

And what about me?

All my pleading to stay close to me in my hour of need. That means nothing to

you. That means a lot.

See ya.

No, you can't go!

Oh, please stop.

Please. Please.

In case you haven't worked it out, he wants you to stay.

I suppose I could hang on a little longer.

If you promise to die before 11 .30.

I'll do my best.

Okay, then.

Well, maybe we should go somewhere else. Where?

Back to us. We could have a party. A party?

Do you really think that's appropriate?

Why not?

Maybe I didn't mention it before. I'm about to die. And we could celebrate

life as soon as it's finished.

Why don't you just turn the body to my bed, set fire to me and send me off down

the river?

It's my bed now and no -one's setting fire to it. Either way, come on, let's

What about Ping? Shouldn't we wait for her? Nah.

I've given her a photo of a pint of lager. She always weaves out at the

if she's thirsty.

Right then, so let's move. Come on.

Why are you looking so pleased with yourself?

No reason.

Making the most of your freedom while it lasts. It could last a lot longer than

you think.

Really? You can speak to Auntie Mary for me, if you don't believe me.

Right, that's it.

27 minutes.

Fucking cow!

Oi, keep the noise down.

Right, well, guess I'd better be going.

Did you probably get that?

No. It could be a professional hitman sent by the Maccies to gun me down.

There's no one there.

This bell has been playing up all week.

So, what shall we do till midnight?

I'm doing it.

You're going to watch television while I die?

Do you want a hug?

No.

What about lager?

No.

Oh, God, no.

I thought you were going.

I think it's more important I'm here.

Don't you?

Bitch! Bitch!

Top up.

No?

Ten.

Nine.

Will you please turn your mobiles off?

With pleasure.

Four.

Three.

Two.

What? Midnight.

I'm still alive.

I'm still fucking alive.

Look, I'm breathing. I'm talking.

Any time you could stop talking.

Fuck you, God.

You don't exist. I mean, you didn't. But what if he does exist?

And he wants to see how you'd react to not dying?

Eh? What if he's now so angry with you for all that, he's going to kill you

after all?

Shit.

Sorry, I didn't mean it. Shut up. There is no God.

You're not going to die. Only a fucking idiot would have thought you were.

I thought you were going to die. It's like him.

You're not disappointed, are you, that I'm still alive?

I'm not disappointed, no, but I was rather hoping the Ouija board was right.

You were hoping I'd be dead by now?

No.

Well, yeah.

There's nothing personal.

Oh, that's okay, then. Bitch.

Right. I'm off to bed.

What do you mean?

You can't go to bed.

Not now we know I'm going to be all right.

I always knew you were going to be all right.

Good night. Hang on.

Where are you sleeping?

In my bed.

In your bed, not my bed?

No, not your bed. My bed.

My new bed.

Well, that's my bed.

Book it up.

Where am I going to sleep?

That's your problem, not my problem.

What's up?

Are you okay?

Fine. Not you. Damien, are you all right?

I'm bleeding.

Fucking hell, I'm really bleeding.

What? He's hurting himself.

Bleeding. Serves him right, fucking fucker. Fucking fucker.

Oh,

fuck!