All language subtitles for Teachers s04e07

Well, well,

thank you.

Why have none of you got girlfriends?

You really have to almost look at them.

Has it ever occurred to you that we may
not want girlfriends?

Don't we?

No, that's right. We want to be open to
life's experiences.

We don't want to be tied down by a
relationship.

Even though people in long -term
relationships are supposed to live

Really, is that true?

Why would I want a girlfriend?

Companionship, security.

You might make the flat smell nicer.

And if you actually had sex, maybe you'd
stop talking about it for two seconds.

You can have sex without having a
girlfriend.

What, with yourself?

No.

Well, maybe. I don't see why not.
Especially seeing as you don't have an

alternative. Of course I've got
alternatives.

I just happen to think it's preferable
sometimes. Please don't start telling us

why. Well, as you've asked so nicely,
you don't have to buy your cock a meal

a start.

I'll tell it that it's got a nice
haircut.

You never have to beg it. Beg it?

What sort of relationships have you been
in?

And everyone knows, once you've been
going out with someone for a while, you

stop having sex anyway.

Maybe that's why people in long -term
relationships live longer.

Because they have less sex.

The truth is, masturbation is the only
thing in life you can really rely on.

And my third romance was dead.

How old do you think you'd live to be if
you mainly masturbated, but had, say,

just a weekend?

Thank you, Kevin.

How can we be so precise?

I can't. Do you have a guess?

Shit!

I've left something in the oven.

At school.

Shit!

My maroons.

Thank you for

watching.

Into an icing bag.

Why would anyone, you know, into an
icing bag?

They've got a hole in the end.

It would be like wanking into a leg
warmer rather than a sock.

Morning.

Morning, everyone.

I've just one announcement to make this
morning.

The parents, in their infinite wisdom,
have elected a new head of the PTA.

Namely, Elizabeth Webb.

Liz. Ah.

This is how the Third Reich began, with
Hitler being elected head of his PTA.

And even though the PTA has no power at
all, apart from the authority to

organise the occasional raffle, I'd
still like to congratulate Liz on her

appointment. Thank you.

And I'd like to say that I shall be
asking every parent individually if they

have any complaints about teaching
staff, which I'll be passing on to the

relevant authority.

And I'd like to reassure everyone that
there will be a complete overhaul of

voting procedures and eligibility before
the next PTA election.

Are you Ewan?

No, afraid not.

He is.

I'm Anna.

I'm a supply teacher.

Supply teacher?

For when a member of staff's off sick.

You are head of English?

He can teach it, but he doesn't really
understand it. I just didn't think I

needed a supply teacher today.

Apparently I'm standing in for Mr Porter
today and for Mr Williams for the rest

of the week. What's wrong with Bob? I'm
afraid that's confidential information.

Well, I only know in my capacity as head
of the PTA, so I can't tell you

anything.

All I can say is Bob was caught curb
-crawling last night.

Bob was trying to pick up a prostitute.

It wasn't a prostitute.

It was Jenny Gardner, that girl in year
nine.

I got a phone call from her mother last
night.

Bob cried like a baby. Spent the night
in the cell. Shat himself, literally.

Terrible. Terrible?

Bob shat himself?

Right, well, I'll show you where Bob's
classroom is.

Hello?

What? No icing's coming out of my bag.

I think it's blocked with something.

What? What's that in your hair?

Oh, it's probably just icing.

I really don't want to talk about it.

Hi. Do you mind if I sit with you? No,
of course not.

Hello. How are Bob's classes going?

Well, it's a bit like being in Grimm.

Oh, I love them. They're so sweet.

After they've turned.

You think Bobzie and I's are bad as you
see mine.

They've topped off three fingers already
this week.

Is that three fingers from one person?
Or one each from three different people?

I'm not sure. We still can't find out
who one of them belong to.

Bob's back tomorrow.

The doctor's given him a valium
prescription.

So he can have a good night's sleep.

Is there anything you don't know?

Manny Wilson's mother works in the
chemist.

We've got piles to do.

Come on, hurry up. I've got to go
through tomorrow's lesson plan for Dana.

can't you do that down the pub?

Because she's doing all the shit down.

So? Well, you know how upset Ben gets
about those poor little rabbits.

What's the betting? There'll be one
extra for breakfast?

He's just going through her lesson
plans. Ben is coming down the pub.

They're doing all the shit down.

You know, the bit right at the end where
Hazel dies.

Do you think masturbation shortens your
life?

If people who are in long -term
relationships live longer and they don't

sex, then it must be orgasms that
shorten your life.

Well, maybe. Just maybe the whole world
doesn't revolve around sex. Maybe people

in long -term relationships live longer
because they love each other.

Anyway, people in long -term
relationships masturbate more than

Please, don't say things like that.

I've been in parents' sex with them.

Why? Because they don't want to cheat on
their partner.

So when they meet someone in their
fancy, they just fantasise about having

with them. Then they're over it.

So, would it be cheating on your partner
to get a person in your fancy to wank

you off?

Why bother when you can do it yourself?

I can see why you're such a big hit with
a lady.

Actually, it's got a point.

How would you know?

Women do it too.

I know that.

Of course, women do it too.

But it's not the same.

In what way is it not the same?

You know.

Where's Ewan got to?

You know where he is. He's helping Anna
prepare for tomorrow.

They must have finished by now.

Answer the question. In what way is it
not the same?

You don't do it as often for a start.

It's not a competition.

Anyway, it's easier for them. Not so
obvious.

You mean they might be doing it all the
time and we just don't know about it?

If they can do riding a horse.

You mean on their own, riding a horse?

Of course on their own. Well, apart from
the horse.

But the horse isn't actually doing
anything.

All right, riding a bicycle then, or a
motorbike, or sitting on a washing

machine. Shit.

If it moves, they sit on it.

So... Do you think a woman could have an
accidental orgasm?

What? You know, if there was unexpected
air turbulence or they were sat in a

dentist's chair during an earthquake or
something.

Where's Ewan?

Do you think he's gone out for a drink
with her?

Maybe they've gone back to workplace.

You panther.

What? No, of course I don't.

You're jealous. No, I'm not.

It's all right.

You can still fantasise about having sex
with her. I don't want to.

Why not?

I just don't, OK?

Is it because Ewan's shagging her?

Would it be like using someone else's
toothbrush?

Hey, how was the pub?

What are you doing here?

I live here.

Are you alone?

Well, obviously not. You two are here as
well.

So it looks like you're free to... I'm
not going to.

I don't want to.

I'm going to bed.

To sleep.

What's the matter?

I can't do it.

Every time I try and think about it, all
I can see is Grint's big fat face and

his ginger comb over.

I'm never going to get an erection
again.

Which means I'm never going to have sex
again, which means my whole life is...

pointless.

Isn't life pointless anyhow?

I mean, the endless mundane business of
living culminating in what?

Death and oblivion?

Ben, shut the fuck up.

I don't care what else you say, just
don't tell them.

What's wrong with him?

Nothing. He can't get an erection.

Found your missing boy yet?

The one with only nine fingers?

It's not as easy as that.

Lots of them had more than ten to start
off with.

So what are you going to do with it?

It's bare finger if you can't find the
owner.

Put it in a sausage roll?

So what would you have done if he cut
off his coke?

Put it in a sausage roll.

Listen, do you want to do something this
evening?

What do you mean?

Like go for a drink or something to eat.

Really? Well, not sorted rolls,
obviously.

Yeah.

That'd be great.

Morning. Morning.

So what happened to you yesterday?

Yesterday?

Oh, God.

It was awful. I had to spend the whole
day in bed.

You seem to have got over that very
quickly.

Yeah.

Actually, I wasn't really ill.

I just caught a muscle.

Sorry, couldn't help overhearing. What
was it you caught?

A muscle.

Where? In my back.

How did you do that?

I was picking something up. What were
you picking up? Something very heavy,

obviously. A sink.

A sink?

Why were you picking up a sink?

I had to move it. It was in the wrong
place.

Where was it?

It was in the bedroom.

It should have been in the bathroom.

How did it get in the bedroom?

No idea.

You missed school yesterday because
there was a sink in your bedroom.

You really think Claire's going to
believe that?

Good morning.

Just to say, I've received an unusually
large number of parental complaints

against members of the teaching staff.

All of which I will, of course, as is
stipulated under my contract of

employment, investigate thoroughly.

As a consequence of my increased
workload, however, I'd ask you to refer

minor complaints, children with mental
problems or who've brought weapons into

school, or preferably both, to my school
secretary.

Thanks.

Anna asked me out.

Oh, what a shame you had to say no.

What are you talking about?

Apparently you don't want to go, Fred.

She asked you out?

Is that so hard to believe?

She likes me. I like her. It's what
normal people do. Ask Peter that out.

are you going to do?

I don't know. Go for drinks? Go for a
meal?

What about afterwards?

Oh, shit.

I wouldn't worry about it. She couldn't
possibly be interested in you sexually.

She always points something behind her
and then run away when she's in the

opposite direction.

It's all right. She's probably just
using you as a way of getting to you.

There's a positive side to this too.

There's that?

Well, at least you won't catch a
sexually transmitted disease.

That could be your excuse.

I'd love to sleep with you, but I don't
want to catch a sexually transmitted

disease.

Some women appreciate that kind of
straight talking.

You're overweight and I appreciate it.

Did you appreciate that?

I did.

Thank you very much.

Look, you probably just drank too much
last night. You know, you just need a

of a push start.

Cool.

I don't want her to catch me looking at
her.

Then she'll pick up some kind of stalker
and won't even want to speak to me

again. And I don't want her to think I'm
friends with the stalker.

I tell you what, why don't I talk you
through it?

Then you can use your imagination.

Oh, she's standing up.

She's writing something on the board.

She's reaching up to write something at
the very top.

She's on tiptoes.

Ah, her dress is rising up the back of
her thighs.

Shit.

I don't think she's wearing any
underwear.

Go on.

Oh, my God. She's dropped a pen on the
floor.

Well, she's going to have to bend over
to pick it up.

Surely that dress is too short.

Stop. What's the matter?

Him.

Just forget about him.

That's the trouble. I can't.

Okay, well, then maybe we're going to
have to try a more solid approach.

What are you doing?

Nothing. I just need to go to the
toilet.

How's your back?

My back?

Oh, my back. Oh, it's so much better.

Yeah, I'd almost forgotten about it.
Really?

Maybe you've got other things weighing
on your mind.

Like being put on the tax register.

I just didn't think it was safe, her
walking around in the

dark on her own.

It was all a misunderstanding.

Nobody's pressing charges.

Yes. But you know how tongues will wag.

I see what this is all about.

Bob finally finds some fucking happiness
in his fucking dreary life and then

along comes a fucking fucker to fuck it
all up again. Of course it'd ping who I

feel sorry for.

I mean, just imagine how you'd feel if
you'd left your friends and family

only to find out you'd abandoned it all.

Just to marry a dirty old pervert.

Oh, now, please, don't mention it to
Ping. It'll break your heart.

I'm like a god to her.

Look, I didn't do anything.

And even if I had, which I didn't,
people do worse things.

At least I haven't slept with one of my
pupils.

A teacher at this school has slept with
one of their pupils.

What? No, no, that was just an example.
I don't know why I thought of it. Who?

Give me a name. No, I mean, there isn't
one.

Ewan. What? No.

Damien. No, I don't know why you still
keep going on. I've already told you. It

must be Penny, then.

Why must it be Penny?

Could have been, oh, Ben.

Was it Ben?

Ben? So Penny's been sleeping with a
student.

No, I never said that. I thought she'd
been looking even more smug than usual.

You've got it wrong. There's no way
Penny would have sex with a student.

Which student?

I'm not telling you.

A one penny.

So, how long did you think you could
keep your little secret?

Sorry, I don't know what the fuck you're
talking about.

It's really very sad.

You can't find a grown -up stupid enough
to sleep with you, so you manipulate a

child who doesn't know any better. Are
you accusing me of something? Because if

you are, you'd better be very sure
you've got your facts straight.

You do know sleeping with a student is a
sackable offence. You do know that

making false allegations of sexual
misconduct is also a sackable offence.

So it's not true? No, it's not true.
You're normally so keen to boast about

little conquest.

OK. So who exactly is this student that
I'm supposed to have slept with?

What? There have been so many of them,
you can't remember?

What's she laughing at? Is it me? Have I
got food on my face?

Can't see anything.

On the other hand, maybe she's, you
know... I told you, women can do it

anywhere.

Have you thought about what you want to
do tonight?

There's a quiz night at my local.

Do you want to go to a quiz night?

No. I was just making sure you didn't.

You've really got to help me.

Prince, I wonder if I could have a quick
word.

See? There's nothing to be afraid of.

He's just an ordinary, slightly
overweight boy with ordinary, slightly

perverted urges.

Move a bit closer.

Why?

Because that's what they do with the
Ragnophag.

Firstly, they get them in the same room
as the spider.

Then they bring them closer and closer
until eventually they're happy to have

spiders crawling all over them.

Obviously, we're not going to do that.

crawling bit. Just move a bit closer.

See?

I told you not to be scared.

Now for stage two.

Can you hold this, please?

And undo a few shut buttons.

Why? It's a virgin therapy.

Just hold the bag.

I thought everybody did it. I didn't
know it was wrong.

Hold the fucking bag.

I'm sorry. I'll never do it again, I
promise.

Please, just let me go.

Well, it's not going to work if you're
crying. Everyone finds that repulsive.

Please. I'll just go away.

Now I know why people normally do this
to spiders.

Yeah, look.

Why is the lift good?

That doesn't matter.

It just is.

And you're trapped with the worst person
imaginable. Who is it?

Before I answer, is the person
responsible for the lift breaking?

Would it make any difference?

Not really.

Imagine being trapped with one of them.

Ah, so you hate fat people.

No, I hate people that breathe loudly.

You're as fat as Ben.

Ben. Of course.

I choose Ben.

I wonder what they're doing now.

Well, we all know what they're not
doing.

There are other things to do on a date,
isn't there?

Exactly. Why is everyone so obsessed
with sex?

A man and a woman can spend time
together without having to have sex.

I mean, I might pay special attention to
a student who's having difficulties

with his core. David Follet, as we all
know, you shagged him.

So, what do you do on a date?

Well, talk.

About what? Apart from your health.

Health is an important issue, you know.

I mean, I sometimes get a nervous twitch
in my left eye. She might think I was

winking at her if I didn't explain.

Or what if I developed late -onset
Tourette's syndrome and kept calling her

cunt? I wish I'd never brought it up.

They're just going to be sitting there,
aren't they?

Staring at each other with nothing to
say.

You get the idea.

Yeah, you're right. I definitely
wouldn't want to be stuck with Carol.

still be worse, though.

Really? You haven't seen him having a
panic attack.

It'd be like being stuck in a lift with
a giant, terrified pigeon.

All right, I choose Ben.

No, you can't. He's my lift companion
from hell.

You can have Lindsay.

She's fat.

She breathes.

Loudly, probably.

You see, I don't think I'd mind being
stuck with her.

Who would you like to be stuck in a lift
with, then?

Who would you like to be stuck in a lift
with?

Sorry. I don't think I can.

Why not?

Because... I can't sleep with the girl
on the first date.

I mean, I just don't think it's right.

I suppose I'm just too much of a...
gentleman.

Well, when I say gentleman, I mean...
No, there's no need to explain.

Are you sure?

And you don't mind, not... You know,
it's unusual.

But thanks.

Okay.

Great.

She's going to think I'm a massive twat.

I had the chance to have sex with a
fantastic woman and I completely fucked

up. You didn't fuck it up. Grint did.
Well, Grint and his icing bag.

Shut up.

She's smiling.

She's only one step away from
blackening.

Morning.

I'm really sorry about last night. I
should have thanked you. I wanted to

you. Look, it's fine.

You know what I think is a bit weird?

I mean, for a man, all that gentleman
stuff.

Well, it is a bit weird.

But, you know, I like you.

I had a good time last night, so if that
may be fair enough.

What's the hurry?

Well, exactly.

So perhaps we'll do it again sometime
then?

Sure. When?

How about tonight?

Sorry, got a date tonight.

Who is?

Someone who wants meaningless,
uncomplicated sex straight away.

Fortunately, she's not very attractive.

I

need

the

name of the student Penny's been
sleeping with.

Well, you're not getting it from me.

Not that she has been sleeping with the
students, just I wouldn't tell you even

if she had. There is such a thing as
honour amongst work colleagues.

If you don't tell me his name, I'll tell
Ping you took advantage of a 14 -year

-old. Oh, no, please.

It'll finish her off.

Look, she doesn't deserve that. You
can't...

Anthony Millington.

Anthony Millington.

I think Ping and I are going to have to
have a little heart -to -heart.

No, no, I'm telling you the truth, I
promise.

Apparently they did it lots of times,
and on school premises, probably in your

office. I heard them once in the
stationery cupboard.

And she was going, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
Anthony, fuck me. OK, that enough.

I believe you.

So you promise never to mention it
again?

You really don't know much about
blackmail, do you?

You're supposed to make me promise
before you give me the information.

Yeah, well, I thought if I told you...
It doesn't matter.

I never keep my promises anyway.

I've now had over 200 letters of
parental complaint.

Which, quite frankly, I don't have time
to read.

Consequently, I'm instigating a new five
letters and out rule.

So for your own sakes, do try and
behave.

Right. If you two can't behave, I'm
going to have to separate you.

You, over there.

And you, stay right where you are.

Move!

I want to keep you so behind for a
minute.

It's all right.

Nothing to worry about.

That's what you said last time.

Yes, well, there wasn't anything to
worry about. I was only offering you a

Of course you were.

Yes, I was. And all I want you to do is
tell Mrs Webb that. You want me to tell

Mrs Webb that you told me to tell her
that you were only offering me a lift.

Hi. I wanted to have a quick chat with
you about Adam. Well, I'm a bit busy at

the moment.

He's been very withdrawn since he got
back from school last night, and I'm

worried that something traumatic might
have happened to him yesterday.

I'm sure it was just a misunderstanding.

So you know what happened? What?

No. Well, what was the misunderstanding
then?

Well, what happened to Adam, whatever
that was.

You know, traumas often turn out to be
just misunderstandings.

There's nothing to worry about.

How can you tell him there's nothing to
worry about when you don't know what

happened? Don't worry.

I'll have a word with him.

Later.

Privately. Well, there's nothing you can
say to Adam that you can't say in front

of me. Well, you say that, but sometimes
these things bring up some problems at

home. I'm pretty sure he's being
bullied.

At home.

Is there someone else I can talk to
about this?

No. I'm afraid not.

If you're not going to tell me the
truth, I know someone who will.

Oh, really? Who?

Anthony Millington.

Anthony Millington.

I know the name, but I'm not sure I can
put a face to it.

Child molesters have a terrible time in
prison.

Really? And you know that from personal
experience? No, but you soon will.

Just because a boy tells you he slept
with a teacher, you believe him.

He didn't tell me.

Oh.

So it's just his day, is it?

I need to speak to you.

Really?

That's a shame.

Liz, speak. He doesn't understand you,
no wonder.

Liz, speak. Ignore her.

Bye.

Why would Anna say that? She doesn't
know me.

Well, she's very perceptive.

In just a few days, she's seen you for
the neurotic hypercontract. That's what

you really are.

No, she hasn't. Yes, she has. No, she
hasn't. Yes, she has. She can't have.

she could have. Thank you.

Shit.

Who's that?

Grint's father.

He kept making a student under his shirt
and holding an ice cream bag as a

fucking child.

Maybe. I didn't really want to know my
contract. Fuck, he's gone for Claire.

It's all right. She's in a meeting.

Are you sure that was Grint's dad?

Yeah, why?

Why do you look really hairy and Grint's
bald? Maybe my theory about male

pattern baldness is completely wrong.
Oh, shit.

It's OK. Maybe Grint was adopted. No.

Clive might be in a meeting, but Liz is
still in there.

Sit down, please.

I have just spoken to Miss Neville.

She has admitted to me that the two of
you have had relations.

Which, as I'm sure you know, is not only
unethical, but illegal.

Miss Neville.

I always thought she might have a bit of
a crush on me, but I never thought

she'd go as far as to claim... No, we've
never slept together.

In fact, the thought of it makes me feel
a bit sick.

It's like imagining your grandmother.

I'm looking for Mrs Webb.

I'm busy.

Is that all you wanted?

Are you the new head of the PTA?

Yes, I told you, I'm busy.

I haven't finished with you.

I was wondering if you could help me. My
son, Adam Grant, is being bullied.

Well, speak to his form tutor about it.

I have, but I don't think he took me
seriously.

Really?

Would you like me to make a formal
complaint about him?

No, I just want something to be done to
help my son.

Well, you're his father, you help him.

Can't you do anything? No, I'm afraid
not.

Well, maybe I'll have to talk to Mrs
Hunter about it then.

See what she has to say.

What was the name of your son again?

I thought you had a class.

I do. My year seven's a deep path,
right? So it's safer not to be in the

room. They're the ones without any
eyebrows.

And no fingerprints, which could be
useful in their future careers.

So does this count as a second date?

What? I was joking.

I mean... There's no rush, is there?

No, of course not.

Great.

Can you see any thinning?

No, but you may have head lice. Has
anyone seen Anthony?

He's not interested. Stop stalking him.
He's spoken to Liz. I'm fucked.

That's great.

Why's that great?

Because Liz is going to be too busy
trying to get Henny the sack to worry

Grint and his dad. If I get the sack,
then I'm going to tell Liz all about

and his dad.

Whatever Grint and his dad is.

Is someone bullying you?

Is it because you're born? No, you're
not!

Because you're fat, then?

No. Ugly? Haven't got any friends?

No.

Well, whatever it is, just get over it.

And when you get home, be sure to tell
your dad we've had a chat about

everything and I've managed to sort it
all out.

So it's not...

coming this evening?

No.

PCA. What?

What did you say? What's she doing?

Will you fucking stop that?

If you're going bald, there's nothing
you can do about it. It's in your genes.

If your maternal grandfather was bald,
you'd be going bald too.

Really? What about Mike and Bernie
Winters?

What about them?

And for that matter, who are they? Well,
weren't they brothers and wasn't one of

them hairy and one bald?

Wasn't the hairy one a dog?

I don't care. He had hair.

So, who fancies coming to Scott Martin's
party on Saturday night?

Who, Scott Martin?

Yeah, 12.

Why does Scott Martin want us to go to
his party?

I imagine he's hoping we'll turn up,
confiscate all the drinking cigarettes,

then call the police. He'll tell his
parents.

Like we did last year. There's no way
that I'm going.

Why not?

You might find yourself a new boyfriend.

Oh, sorry, I forgot.

You'll be banged up, won't you?

So, are you too up for it?

I'm doing something else, I'm afraid.

What?

Actually, I'm meeting up with Anna.

On a weekend.

Why? Because I prefer to spend time with
her than you.

What's happened to you?

I know what's happened to him.

He's in a relationship.

No, I'm not. Yes, you are.

It's not a relationship.

Well, it's got all the hallmarks.

Forgetting about your mate.

Not wanting to confiscate alcohol from
teenagers.

No sex.

Sex isn't the only thing in a
relationship.

Ah, so it is a relationship.

No. What would you call it, then?

See?

Maybe it is.

Maybe I am. What's so great about being
in a relationship?

Relationships only lead to prison.

Well, I think it's great.

Penny go to prison? Yeah, so do I. In
men, it's great. I've got a girlfriend.

And you know what?

He's right.

Of course I didn't fucking tell her.

I might not like you, but I'm not that
vindictive.

You do know that if you ever did tell
anyone, they wouldn't believe you. Why

not?

Because they wouldn't believe I was that
desperate?

No, because I'd tell them that you were
just a sad little pervert who was unable

to distinguish between facts and
fantasy.

And you think they'd believe you? Of
course they would. When it comes down to

it, it's just the word of an adolescent
against that of a teacher.

Who do you think they're going to
believe?

I don't know.

Who do you think?

I think if you tell anyone anything for
your own sad little life, it's going up.

They start flicking each other with tea
towels, I think on my floor.

What's the betting they've already got
pet names for each other?

What's the betting you've called Flopsy?

Why is everyone at this place so
cynical?

They're happy, they're in love, so what?

Why does everything have to be about
sex?

Christ, oh, you can't even offer a girl
a lift now without somebody taking it

the wrong way.

Whatever happened to innocent till
proved guilty?

It was him.

Okay, so he hasn't said anything to Liv.
I mustn't get paranoid.

Somebody must have done, though. Not
necessarily.

It might have just been a lucky guess.

Yeah, it might have been.

Out of all the boys in the school, she
just happens to guess the right one.

If I find out who's told her... Ow!

I'm back.

Great. but to be honest, we didn't
really miss you.

No, I'm back.

I'm in full working order.

Downstairs.

I think I'm going to be sick.

Feel free.

Nothing you can do or say is going to
make any difference.

So, you think it would still be there
even if, say, you saw Grint in his icing

bag again? You're wasting your breath.

What if you saw Carol sitting on Mr
Chong's face in the staff toilet?

Now I'm going to be sick.

No. I told you.

OK, what about you going to Claire's
office and just shitting in the dinner

lady's mouth?

So sorry to interrupt you, Miss Pierce.

But if what you're saying is so much
more important than my morning address,

perhaps we should all hear it.

Okay, they're both naked, and Grint is
giving Bob a blowjob.

No, still there.

I'm telling you, I'm over it.

Don't worry about them.

They twist everything out of shape, can
talk the truth, fuckers.

I would never curb -crawl, and I know
you'd never... I did.

Oh, well, everyone does, obviously, from
time to time.

It's a sign of being a real man.

Is it? Yeah, but they actually embellish
everything, don't they?

Make everything revolting and perverted.

I mean, did they really think that
anyone would believe that you were into

icing bag?

I was.

You filthy little perv.

Can I speak to you?

What about?

It's a bit awkward, actually.

I don't want to get anyone in trouble.

It's about Miss Neville.

Why didn't you say so earlier?

Have a seat.

So, what was it you wanted to tell me
about Miss Neville?

I think it was me he wanted to speak to.

In confidence.

Go on.

I really didn't think there was anything
wrong with it at first.

And then when I realised that there was,

I thought, who's going to believe me if
she denies it? I believe you.

Or at least I will do if you tell me
what actually happened.

I just thought, if she's OK with it, it
must be all right.

She must know what she's doing.

What must be all right?

You know, to have sex with her.

What do you want?

Do you want money?

Aren't I a bit old for you? Not to tell
Ping. My integrity can't be bought.

Right, you bitch. I'll fucking prove it
to you.

I will never guess who came to see me
this morning.

That's because I can't be bothered to
even find Anthony Millington.

I'm really not interested in the mundane
details of a school secretary's life.

Well, maybe Claire will be then.

The only thing you can do is keep your
head down and try very hard not to piss

her off.

Okay, you fuck.

I feel sick.

I'm not saying anything.

Well, here she is. Why don't you all
have a good laugh, eh? Get it out of

systems. Go on. This is the girl that
Bob is supposed to have tried to have

with. Ha fucking ha.

She does look a bit traumatised by the
experience. There was no fucking

experience for her to be traumatised by.

That's the fucking point.

Close in case of denial.

I'm not in fucking denial.

All you have to do is look and you
really see. I want to have sex with

All right, then.

You can fuck off.

All of you.

What's the matter?

It's gone.

I don't understand it.

It survived the icing bag and grin, and
a dinner lady's sitting in Claire's

mouth, but... Maybe now I can have my
fire back.

Hi. Is anyone sitting there?

No.

Can I have another look at that file?

No, it's mine. I need it. So do I.

Practically everything we do,
consciously and unconsciously, is to do

continuation of the human species.

Even some things that seem to be the
total opposite, like masturbation, for

instance.

Masturbation is one of the great
evolutionary leaps.

Without masturbation, this planet would
have become totally overpopulated

centuries ago.

So, the more advanced amongst us,
evolved into people who masturbate.

So masturbation is a sign of being truly
civilised.

That's right.

Although the icing bag was a bit of a
mistake.

Hi, you're nearly ready.

What are you doing?

It's not our first date anymore.

I'm not here.

Why are you not here?

Give me five minutes to pack up and we
can go back to Maine.

I can't wait five minutes.

Sorry, what happened to there's no rush?

Changed my mind.

Shit.

What's the matter?

I don't know.

It's just... I thought you couldn't wait
five minutes.

Sorry, I...

You haven't got some kind of disease,
have you?

Or a deformed... No.

It's only... What?

It's difficult to explain. I just can't.

You have had sex before, haven't you? Of
course I have.

Right.

So you know what to do.

You don't have a disease and you're not
embarrassed about the way it looked.

But you're not going to tell me what the
problem is.

Great. I'm never going to be able to
wash up again.

I hope you haven't undone my good work.

It wasn't easy convincing him
masturbation is OK.

Apart from the fact it shortens your
life.

Actually, I read a report recently that
said frequent ejaculation can lessen

your chance of getting prostate cancer.

Really? Yep.

So, where's Anna this evening?

Oh, I think she had something else to
do.

She's dumped you already?

That's only two days.

That doesn't even count as a girlfriend,
does it?

No, a girlfriend's four days plus.

What happened? I couldn't go through
with it.

But you had a... It's just, I've never
been friends with a girl then slept with

her. So?

So, it just felt wrong.

It would have been like shagging my
sister or something.

How do you know? You haven't shagged
your sister.

Is she good looking?

What's that got to do with anything?
She's my sister.

I was thinking for me.

You can't shag my sister. Why not?
You're not going to.

Nobody's going to shag anybody's sister.
You're not shagging Damien's sister and

you're not shagging your own sister.

In fact, you're better off not shagging
anybody.

You like being on your own. You don't
want a girlfriend.

Don't I? No.

Relationships only cause problems.

I thought you wanted a relationship.

I'm just trying to cheer him up.

Anyway, look what happened to Penny.

What's happened to me?

At least you've still got your job.

I've still got my job.

You've got to look on the bright side.

OK.

But can I drink myself to death first?

Look, none of us are in relationships.

Women are never interested in me.

I don't want a relationship.

And for the next ten years, Penny's only
going to be able to go out with lesbian

armed robbers.

So we're all in the same situation.