Original subtitles

Well, well,

thank you.

Why have none of you got girlfriends?

You really have to almost look at them.

Has it ever occurred to you that we may not want girlfriends?

Don't we?

No, that's right. We want to be open to life's experiences.

We don't want to be tied down by a relationship.

Even though people in long -term relationships are supposed to live

Really, is that true?

Why would I want a girlfriend?

Companionship, security.

You might make the flat smell nicer.

And if you actually had sex, maybe you'd stop talking about it for two seconds.

You can have sex without having a girlfriend.

What, with yourself?

No.

Well, maybe. I don't see why not. Especially seeing as you don't have an

alternative. Of course I've got alternatives.

I just happen to think it's preferable sometimes. Please don't start telling us

why. Well, as you've asked so nicely, you don't have to buy your cock a meal

a start.

I'll tell it that it's got a nice haircut.

You never have to beg it. Beg it?

What sort of relationships have you been in?

And everyone knows, once you've been going out with someone for a while, you

stop having sex anyway.

Maybe that's why people in long -term relationships live longer.

Because they have less sex.

The truth is, masturbation is the only thing in life you can really rely on.

And my third romance was dead.

How old do you think you'd live to be if you mainly masturbated, but had, say,

just a weekend?

Thank you, Kevin.

How can we be so precise?

I can't. Do you have a guess?

Shit!

I've left something in the oven.

At school.

Shit!

My maroons.

Thank you for

watching.

Into an icing bag.

Why would anyone, you know, into an icing bag?

They've got a hole in the end.

It would be like wanking into a leg warmer rather than a sock.

Morning.

Morning, everyone.

I've just one announcement to make this morning.

The parents, in their infinite wisdom, have elected a new head of the PTA.

Namely, Elizabeth Webb.

Liz. Ah.

This is how the Third Reich began, with Hitler being elected head of his PTA.

And even though the PTA has no power at all, apart from the authority to

organise the occasional raffle, I'd still like to congratulate Liz on her

appointment. Thank you.

And I'd like to say that I shall be asking every parent individually if they

have any complaints about teaching staff, which I'll be passing on to the

relevant authority.

And I'd like to reassure everyone that there will be a complete overhaul of

voting procedures and eligibility before the next PTA election.

Are you Ewan?

No, afraid not.

He is.

I'm Anna.

I'm a supply teacher.

Supply teacher?

For when a member of staff's off sick.

You are head of English?

He can teach it, but he doesn't really understand it. I just didn't think I

needed a supply teacher today.

Apparently I'm standing in for Mr Porter today and for Mr Williams for the rest

of the week. What's wrong with Bob? I'm afraid that's confidential information.

Well, I only know in my capacity as head of the PTA, so I can't tell you

anything.

All I can say is Bob was caught curb -crawling last night.

Bob was trying to pick up a prostitute.

It wasn't a prostitute.

It was Jenny Gardner, that girl in year nine.

I got a phone call from her mother last night.

Bob cried like a baby. Spent the night in the cell. Shat himself, literally.

Terrible. Terrible?

Bob shat himself?

Right, well, I'll show you where Bob's classroom is.

Hello?

What? No icing's coming out of my bag.

I think it's blocked with something.

What? What's that in your hair?

Oh, it's probably just icing.

I really don't want to talk about it.

Hi. Do you mind if I sit with you? No, of course not.

Hello. How are Bob's classes going?

Well, it's a bit like being in Grimm.

Oh, I love them. They're so sweet.

After they've turned.

You think Bobzie and I's are bad as you see mine.

They've topped off three fingers already this week.

Is that three fingers from one person? Or one each from three different people?

I'm not sure. We still can't find out who one of them belong to.

Bob's back tomorrow.

The doctor's given him a valium prescription.

So he can have a good night's sleep.

Is there anything you don't know?

Manny Wilson's mother works in the chemist.

We've got piles to do.

Come on, hurry up. I've got to go through tomorrow's lesson plan for Dana.

can't you do that down the pub?

Because she's doing all the shit down.

So? Well, you know how upset Ben gets about those poor little rabbits.

What's the betting? There'll be one extra for breakfast?

He's just going through her lesson plans. Ben is coming down the pub.

They're doing all the shit down.

You know, the bit right at the end where Hazel dies.

Do you think masturbation shortens your life?

If people who are in long -term relationships live longer and they don't

sex, then it must be orgasms that shorten your life.

Well, maybe. Just maybe the whole world doesn't revolve around sex. Maybe people

in long -term relationships live longer because they love each other.

Anyway, people in long -term relationships masturbate more than

Please, don't say things like that.

I've been in parents' sex with them.

Why? Because they don't want to cheat on their partner.

So when they meet someone in their fancy, they just fantasise about having

with them. Then they're over it.

So, would it be cheating on your partner to get a person in your fancy to wank

you off?

Why bother when you can do it yourself?

I can see why you're such a big hit with a lady.

Actually, it's got a point.

How would you know?

Women do it too.

I know that.

Of course, women do it too.

But it's not the same.

In what way is it not the same?

You know.

Where's Ewan got to?

You know where he is. He's helping Anna prepare for tomorrow.

They must have finished by now.

Answer the question. In what way is it not the same?

You don't do it as often for a start.

It's not a competition.

Anyway, it's easier for them. Not so obvious.

You mean they might be doing it all the time and we just don't know about it?

If they can do riding a horse.

You mean on their own, riding a horse?

Of course on their own. Well, apart from the horse.

But the horse isn't actually doing anything.

All right, riding a bicycle then, or a motorbike, or sitting on a washing

machine. Shit.

If it moves, they sit on it.

So... Do you think a woman could have an accidental orgasm?

What? You know, if there was unexpected air turbulence or they were sat in a

dentist's chair during an earthquake or something.

Where's Ewan?

Do you think he's gone out for a drink with her?

Maybe they've gone back to workplace.

You panther.

What? No, of course I don't.

You're jealous. No, I'm not.

It's all right.

You can still fantasise about having sex with her. I don't want to.

Why not?

I just don't, OK?

Is it because Ewan's shagging her?

Would it be like using someone else's toothbrush?

Hey, how was the pub?

What are you doing here?

I live here.

Are you alone?

Well, obviously not. You two are here as well.

So it looks like you're free to... I'm not going to.

I don't want to.

I'm going to bed.

To sleep.

What's the matter?

I can't do it.

Every time I try and think about it, all I can see is Grint's big fat face and

his ginger comb over.

I'm never going to get an erection again.

Which means I'm never going to have sex again, which means my whole life is...

pointless.

Isn't life pointless anyhow?

I mean, the endless mundane business of living culminating in what?

Death and oblivion?

Ben, shut the fuck up.

I don't care what else you say, just don't tell them.

What's wrong with him?

Nothing. He can't get an erection.

Found your missing boy yet?

The one with only nine fingers?

It's not as easy as that.

Lots of them had more than ten to start off with.

So what are you going to do with it?

It's bare finger if you can't find the owner.

Put it in a sausage roll?

So what would you have done if he cut off his coke?

Put it in a sausage roll.

Listen, do you want to do something this evening?

What do you mean?

Like go for a drink or something to eat.

Really? Well, not sorted rolls, obviously.

Yeah.

That'd be great.

Morning. Morning.

So what happened to you yesterday?

Yesterday?

Oh, God.

It was awful. I had to spend the whole day in bed.

You seem to have got over that very quickly.

Yeah.

Actually, I wasn't really ill.

I just caught a muscle.

Sorry, couldn't help overhearing. What was it you caught?

A muscle.

Where? In my back.

How did you do that?

I was picking something up. What were you picking up? Something very heavy,

obviously. A sink.

A sink?

Why were you picking up a sink?

I had to move it. It was in the wrong place.

Where was it?

It was in the bedroom.

It should have been in the bathroom.

How did it get in the bedroom?

No idea.

You missed school yesterday because there was a sink in your bedroom.

You really think Claire's going to believe that?

Good morning.

Just to say, I've received an unusually large number of parental complaints

against members of the teaching staff.

All of which I will, of course, as is stipulated under my contract of

employment, investigate thoroughly.

As a consequence of my increased workload, however, I'd ask you to refer

minor complaints, children with mental problems or who've brought weapons into

school, or preferably both, to my school secretary.

Thanks.

Anna asked me out.

Oh, what a shame you had to say no.

What are you talking about?

Apparently you don't want to go, Fred.

She asked you out?

Is that so hard to believe?

She likes me. I like her. It's what normal people do. Ask Peter that out.

are you going to do?

I don't know. Go for drinks? Go for a meal?

What about afterwards?

Oh, shit.

I wouldn't worry about it. She couldn't possibly be interested in you sexually.

She always points something behind her and then run away when she's in the

opposite direction.

It's all right. She's probably just using you as a way of getting to you.

There's a positive side to this too.

There's that?

Well, at least you won't catch a sexually transmitted disease.

That could be your excuse.

I'd love to sleep with you, but I don't want to catch a sexually transmitted

disease.

Some women appreciate that kind of straight talking.

You're overweight and I appreciate it.

Did you appreciate that?

I did.

Thank you very much.

Look, you probably just drank too much last night. You know, you just need a

of a push start.

Cool.

I don't want her to catch me looking at her.

Then she'll pick up some kind of stalker and won't even want to speak to me

again. And I don't want her to think I'm friends with the stalker.

I tell you what, why don't I talk you through it?

Then you can use your imagination.

Oh, she's standing up.

She's writing something on the board.

She's reaching up to write something at the very top.

She's on tiptoes.

Ah, her dress is rising up the back of her thighs.

Shit.

I don't think she's wearing any underwear.

Go on.

Oh, my God. She's dropped a pen on the floor.

Well, she's going to have to bend over to pick it up.

Surely that dress is too short.

Stop. What's the matter?

Him.

Just forget about him.

That's the trouble. I can't.

Okay, well, then maybe we're going to have to try a more solid approach.

What are you doing?

Nothing. I just need to go to the toilet.

How's your back?

My back?

Oh, my back. Oh, it's so much better.

Yeah, I'd almost forgotten about it. Really?

Maybe you've got other things weighing on your mind.

Like being put on the tax register.

I just didn't think it was safe, her walking around in the

dark on her own.

It was all a misunderstanding.

Nobody's pressing charges.

Yes. But you know how tongues will wag.

I see what this is all about.

Bob finally finds some fucking happiness in his fucking dreary life and then

along comes a fucking fucker to fuck it all up again. Of course it'd ping who I

feel sorry for.

I mean, just imagine how you'd feel if you'd left your friends and family

only to find out you'd abandoned it all.

Just to marry a dirty old pervert.

Oh, now, please, don't mention it to Ping. It'll break your heart.

I'm like a god to her.

Look, I didn't do anything.

And even if I had, which I didn't, people do worse things.

At least I haven't slept with one of my pupils.

A teacher at this school has slept with one of their pupils.

What? No, no, that was just an example. I don't know why I thought of it. Who?

Give me a name. No, I mean, there isn't one.

Ewan. What? No.

Damien. No, I don't know why you still keep going on. I've already told you. It

must be Penny, then.

Why must it be Penny?

Could have been, oh, Ben.

Was it Ben?

Ben? So Penny's been sleeping with a student.

No, I never said that. I thought she'd been looking even more smug than usual.

You've got it wrong. There's no way Penny would have sex with a student.

Which student?

I'm not telling you.

A one penny.

So, how long did you think you could keep your little secret?

Sorry, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

It's really very sad.

You can't find a grown -up stupid enough to sleep with you, so you manipulate a

child who doesn't know any better. Are you accusing me of something? Because if

you are, you'd better be very sure you've got your facts straight.

You do know sleeping with a student is a sackable offence. You do know that

making false allegations of sexual misconduct is also a sackable offence.

So it's not true? No, it's not true. You're normally so keen to boast about

little conquest.

OK. So who exactly is this student that I'm supposed to have slept with?

What? There have been so many of them, you can't remember?

What's she laughing at? Is it me? Have I got food on my face?

Can't see anything.

On the other hand, maybe she's, you know... I told you, women can do it

anywhere.

Have you thought about what you want to do tonight?

There's a quiz night at my local.

Do you want to go to a quiz night?

No. I was just making sure you didn't.

You've really got to help me.

Prince, I wonder if I could have a quick word.

See? There's nothing to be afraid of.

He's just an ordinary, slightly overweight boy with ordinary, slightly

perverted urges.

Move a bit closer.

Why?

Because that's what they do with the Ragnophag.

Firstly, they get them in the same room as the spider.

Then they bring them closer and closer until eventually they're happy to have

spiders crawling all over them.

Obviously, we're not going to do that.

crawling bit. Just move a bit closer.

See?

I told you not to be scared.

Now for stage two.

Can you hold this, please?

And undo a few shut buttons.

Why? It's a virgin therapy.

Just hold the bag.

I thought everybody did it. I didn't know it was wrong.

Hold the fucking bag.

I'm sorry. I'll never do it again, I promise.

Please, just let me go.

Well, it's not going to work if you're crying. Everyone finds that repulsive.

Please. I'll just go away.

Now I know why people normally do this to spiders.

Yeah, look.

Why is the lift good?

That doesn't matter.

It just is.

And you're trapped with the worst person imaginable. Who is it?

Before I answer, is the person responsible for the lift breaking?

Would it make any difference?

Not really.

Imagine being trapped with one of them.

Ah, so you hate fat people.

No, I hate people that breathe loudly.

You're as fat as Ben.

Ben. Of course.

I choose Ben.

I wonder what they're doing now.

Well, we all know what they're not doing.

There are other things to do on a date, isn't there?

Exactly. Why is everyone so obsessed with sex?

A man and a woman can spend time together without having to have sex.

I mean, I might pay special attention to a student who's having difficulties

with his core. David Follet, as we all know, you shagged him.

So, what do you do on a date?

Well, talk.

About what? Apart from your health.

Health is an important issue, you know.

I mean, I sometimes get a nervous twitch in my left eye. She might think I was

winking at her if I didn't explain.

Or what if I developed late -onset Tourette's syndrome and kept calling her

cunt? I wish I'd never brought it up.

They're just going to be sitting there, aren't they?

Staring at each other with nothing to say.

You get the idea.

Yeah, you're right. I definitely wouldn't want to be stuck with Carol.

still be worse, though.

Really? You haven't seen him having a panic attack.

It'd be like being stuck in a lift with a giant, terrified pigeon.

All right, I choose Ben.

No, you can't. He's my lift companion from hell.

You can have Lindsay.

She's fat.

She breathes.

Loudly, probably.

You see, I don't think I'd mind being stuck with her.

Who would you like to be stuck in a lift with, then?

Who would you like to be stuck in a lift with?

Sorry. I don't think I can.

Why not?

Because... I can't sleep with the girl on the first date.

I mean, I just don't think it's right.

I suppose I'm just too much of a... gentleman.

Well, when I say gentleman, I mean... No, there's no need to explain.

Are you sure?

And you don't mind, not... You know, it's unusual.

But thanks.

Okay.

Great.

She's going to think I'm a massive twat.

I had the chance to have sex with a fantastic woman and I completely fucked

up. You didn't fuck it up. Grint did. Well, Grint and his icing bag.

Shut up.

She's smiling.

She's only one step away from blackening.

Morning.

I'm really sorry about last night. I should have thanked you. I wanted to

you. Look, it's fine.

You know what I think is a bit weird?

I mean, for a man, all that gentleman stuff.

Well, it is a bit weird.

But, you know, I like you.

I had a good time last night, so if that may be fair enough.

What's the hurry?

Well, exactly.

So perhaps we'll do it again sometime then?

Sure. When?

How about tonight?

Sorry, got a date tonight.

Who is?

Someone who wants meaningless, uncomplicated sex straight away.

Fortunately, she's not very attractive.

I

need

the

name of the student Penny's been sleeping with.

Well, you're not getting it from me.

Not that she has been sleeping with the students, just I wouldn't tell you even

if she had. There is such a thing as honour amongst work colleagues.

If you don't tell me his name, I'll tell Ping you took advantage of a 14 -year

-old. Oh, no, please.

It'll finish her off.

Look, she doesn't deserve that. You can't...

Anthony Millington.

Anthony Millington.

I think Ping and I are going to have to have a little heart -to -heart.

No, no, I'm telling you the truth, I promise.

Apparently they did it lots of times, and on school premises, probably in your

office. I heard them once in the stationery cupboard.

And she was going, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, Anthony, fuck me. OK, that enough.

I believe you.

So you promise never to mention it again?

You really don't know much about blackmail, do you?

You're supposed to make me promise before you give me the information.

Yeah, well, I thought if I told you... It doesn't matter.

I never keep my promises anyway.

I've now had over 200 letters of parental complaint.

Which, quite frankly, I don't have time to read.

Consequently, I'm instigating a new five letters and out rule.

So for your own sakes, do try and behave.

Right. If you two can't behave, I'm going to have to separate you.

You, over there.

And you, stay right where you are.

Move!

I want to keep you so behind for a minute.

It's all right.

Nothing to worry about.

That's what you said last time.

Yes, well, there wasn't anything to worry about. I was only offering you a

Of course you were.

Yes, I was. And all I want you to do is tell Mrs Webb that. You want me to tell

Mrs Webb that you told me to tell her that you were only offering me a lift.

Hi. I wanted to have a quick chat with you about Adam. Well, I'm a bit busy at

the moment.

He's been very withdrawn since he got back from school last night, and I'm

worried that something traumatic might have happened to him yesterday.

I'm sure it was just a misunderstanding.

So you know what happened? What?

No. Well, what was the misunderstanding then?

Well, what happened to Adam, whatever that was.

You know, traumas often turn out to be just misunderstandings.

There's nothing to worry about.

How can you tell him there's nothing to worry about when you don't know what

happened? Don't worry.

I'll have a word with him.

Later.

Privately. Well, there's nothing you can say to Adam that you can't say in front

of me. Well, you say that, but sometimes these things bring up some problems at

home. I'm pretty sure he's being bullied.

At home.

Is there someone else I can talk to about this?

No. I'm afraid not.

If you're not going to tell me the truth, I know someone who will.

Oh, really? Who?

Anthony Millington.

Anthony Millington.

I know the name, but I'm not sure I can put a face to it.

Child molesters have a terrible time in prison.

Really? And you know that from personal experience? No, but you soon will.

Just because a boy tells you he slept with a teacher, you believe him.

He didn't tell me.

Oh.

So it's just his day, is it?

I need to speak to you.

Really?

That's a shame.

Liz, speak. He doesn't understand you, no wonder.

Liz, speak. Ignore her.

Bye.

Why would Anna say that? She doesn't know me.

Well, she's very perceptive.

In just a few days, she's seen you for the neurotic hypercontract. That's what

you really are.

No, she hasn't. Yes, she has. No, she hasn't. Yes, she has. She can't have.

she could have. Thank you.

Shit.

Who's that?

Grint's father.

He kept making a student under his shirt and holding an ice cream bag as a

fucking child.

Maybe. I didn't really want to know my contract. Fuck, he's gone for Claire.

It's all right. She's in a meeting.

Are you sure that was Grint's dad?

Yeah, why?

Why do you look really hairy and Grint's bald? Maybe my theory about male

pattern baldness is completely wrong. Oh, shit.

It's OK. Maybe Grint was adopted. No.

Clive might be in a meeting, but Liz is still in there.

Sit down, please.

I have just spoken to Miss Neville.

She has admitted to me that the two of you have had relations.

Which, as I'm sure you know, is not only unethical, but illegal.

Miss Neville.

I always thought she might have a bit of a crush on me, but I never thought

she'd go as far as to claim... No, we've never slept together.

In fact, the thought of it makes me feel a bit sick.

It's like imagining your grandmother.

I'm looking for Mrs Webb.

I'm busy.

Is that all you wanted?

Are you the new head of the PTA?

Yes, I told you, I'm busy.

I haven't finished with you.

I was wondering if you could help me. My son, Adam Grant, is being bullied.

Well, speak to his form tutor about it.

I have, but I don't think he took me seriously.

Really?

Would you like me to make a formal complaint about him?

No, I just want something to be done to help my son.

Well, you're his father, you help him.

Can't you do anything? No, I'm afraid not.

Well, maybe I'll have to talk to Mrs Hunter about it then.

See what she has to say.

What was the name of your son again?

I thought you had a class.

I do. My year seven's a deep path, right? So it's safer not to be in the

room. They're the ones without any eyebrows.

And no fingerprints, which could be useful in their future careers.

So does this count as a second date?

What? I was joking.

I mean... There's no rush, is there?

No, of course not.

Great.

Can you see any thinning?

No, but you may have head lice. Has anyone seen Anthony?

He's not interested. Stop stalking him. He's spoken to Liz. I'm fucked.

That's great.

Why's that great?

Because Liz is going to be too busy trying to get Henny the sack to worry

Grint and his dad. If I get the sack, then I'm going to tell Liz all about

and his dad.

Whatever Grint and his dad is.

Is someone bullying you?

Is it because you're born? No, you're not!

Because you're fat, then?

No. Ugly? Haven't got any friends?

No.

Well, whatever it is, just get over it.

And when you get home, be sure to tell your dad we've had a chat about

everything and I've managed to sort it all out.

So it's not...

coming this evening?

No.

PCA. What?

What did you say? What's she doing?

Will you fucking stop that?

If you're going bald, there's nothing you can do about it. It's in your genes.

If your maternal grandfather was bald, you'd be going bald too.

Really? What about Mike and Bernie Winters?

What about them?

And for that matter, who are they? Well, weren't they brothers and wasn't one of

them hairy and one bald?

Wasn't the hairy one a dog?

I don't care. He had hair.

So, who fancies coming to Scott Martin's party on Saturday night?

Who, Scott Martin?

Yeah, 12.

Why does Scott Martin want us to go to his party?

I imagine he's hoping we'll turn up, confiscate all the drinking cigarettes,

then call the police. He'll tell his parents.

Like we did last year. There's no way that I'm going.

Why not?

You might find yourself a new boyfriend.

Oh, sorry, I forgot.

You'll be banged up, won't you?

So, are you too up for it?

I'm doing something else, I'm afraid.

What?

Actually, I'm meeting up with Anna.

On a weekend.

Why? Because I prefer to spend time with her than you.

What's happened to you?

I know what's happened to him.

He's in a relationship.

No, I'm not. Yes, you are.

It's not a relationship.

Well, it's got all the hallmarks.

Forgetting about your mate.

Not wanting to confiscate alcohol from teenagers.

No sex.

Sex isn't the only thing in a relationship.

Ah, so it is a relationship.

No. What would you call it, then?

See?

Maybe it is.

Maybe I am. What's so great about being in a relationship?

Relationships only lead to prison.

Well, I think it's great.

Penny go to prison? Yeah, so do I. In men, it's great. I've got a girlfriend.

And you know what?

He's right.

Of course I didn't fucking tell her.

I might not like you, but I'm not that vindictive.

You do know that if you ever did tell anyone, they wouldn't believe you. Why

not?

Because they wouldn't believe I was that desperate?

No, because I'd tell them that you were just a sad little pervert who was unable

to distinguish between facts and fantasy.

And you think they'd believe you? Of course they would. When it comes down to

it, it's just the word of an adolescent against that of a teacher.

Who do you think they're going to believe?

I don't know.

Who do you think?

I think if you tell anyone anything for your own sad little life, it's going up.

They start flicking each other with tea towels, I think on my floor.

What's the betting they've already got pet names for each other?

What's the betting you've called Flopsy?

Why is everyone at this place so cynical?

They're happy, they're in love, so what?

Why does everything have to be about sex?

Christ, oh, you can't even offer a girl a lift now without somebody taking it

the wrong way.

Whatever happened to innocent till proved guilty?

It was him.

Okay, so he hasn't said anything to Liv. I mustn't get paranoid.

Somebody must have done, though. Not necessarily.

It might have just been a lucky guess.

Yeah, it might have been.

Out of all the boys in the school, she just happens to guess the right one.

If I find out who's told her... Ow!

I'm back.

Great. but to be honest, we didn't really miss you.

No, I'm back.

I'm in full working order.

Downstairs.

I think I'm going to be sick.

Feel free.

Nothing you can do or say is going to make any difference.

So, you think it would still be there even if, say, you saw Grint in his icing

bag again? You're wasting your breath.

What if you saw Carol sitting on Mr Chong's face in the staff toilet?

Now I'm going to be sick.

No. I told you.

OK, what about you going to Claire's office and just shitting in the dinner

lady's mouth?

So sorry to interrupt you, Miss Pierce.

But if what you're saying is so much more important than my morning address,

perhaps we should all hear it.

Okay, they're both naked, and Grint is giving Bob a blowjob.

No, still there.

I'm telling you, I'm over it.

Don't worry about them.

They twist everything out of shape, can talk the truth, fuckers.

I would never curb -crawl, and I know you'd never... I did.

Oh, well, everyone does, obviously, from time to time.

It's a sign of being a real man.

Is it? Yeah, but they actually embellish everything, don't they?

Make everything revolting and perverted.

I mean, did they really think that anyone would believe that you were into

icing bag?

I was.

You filthy little perv.

Can I speak to you?

What about?

It's a bit awkward, actually.

I don't want to get anyone in trouble.

It's about Miss Neville.

Why didn't you say so earlier?

Have a seat.

So, what was it you wanted to tell me about Miss Neville?

I think it was me he wanted to speak to.

In confidence.

Go on.

I really didn't think there was anything wrong with it at first.

And then when I realised that there was,

I thought, who's going to believe me if she denies it? I believe you.

Or at least I will do if you tell me what actually happened.

I just thought, if she's OK with it, it must be all right.

She must know what she's doing.

What must be all right?

You know, to have sex with her.

What do you want?

Do you want money?

Aren't I a bit old for you? Not to tell Ping. My integrity can't be bought.

Right, you bitch. I'll fucking prove it to you.

I will never guess who came to see me this morning.

That's because I can't be bothered to even find Anthony Millington.

I'm really not interested in the mundane details of a school secretary's life.

Well, maybe Claire will be then.

The only thing you can do is keep your head down and try very hard not to piss

her off.

Okay, you fuck.

I feel sick.

I'm not saying anything.

Well, here she is. Why don't you all have a good laugh, eh? Get it out of

systems. Go on. This is the girl that Bob is supposed to have tried to have

with. Ha fucking ha.

She does look a bit traumatised by the experience. There was no fucking

experience for her to be traumatised by.

That's the fucking point.

Close in case of denial.

I'm not in fucking denial.

All you have to do is look and you really see. I want to have sex with

All right, then.

You can fuck off.

All of you.

What's the matter?

It's gone.

I don't understand it.

It survived the icing bag and grin, and a dinner lady's sitting in Claire's

mouth, but... Maybe now I can have my fire back.

Hi. Is anyone sitting there?

No.

Can I have another look at that file?

No, it's mine. I need it. So do I.

Practically everything we do, consciously and unconsciously, is to do

continuation of the human species.

Even some things that seem to be the total opposite, like masturbation, for

instance.

Masturbation is one of the great evolutionary leaps.

Without masturbation, this planet would have become totally overpopulated

centuries ago.

So, the more advanced amongst us, evolved into people who masturbate.

So masturbation is a sign of being truly civilised.

That's right.

Although the icing bag was a bit of a mistake.

Hi, you're nearly ready.

What are you doing?

It's not our first date anymore.

I'm not here.

Why are you not here?

Give me five minutes to pack up and we can go back to Maine.

I can't wait five minutes.

Sorry, what happened to there's no rush?

Changed my mind.

Shit.

What's the matter?

I don't know.

It's just... I thought you couldn't wait five minutes.

Sorry, I...

You haven't got some kind of disease, have you?

Or a deformed... No.

It's only... What?

It's difficult to explain. I just can't.

You have had sex before, haven't you? Of course I have.

Right.

So you know what to do.

You don't have a disease and you're not embarrassed about the way it looked.

But you're not going to tell me what the problem is.

Great. I'm never going to be able to wash up again.

I hope you haven't undone my good work.

It wasn't easy convincing him masturbation is OK.

Apart from the fact it shortens your life.

Actually, I read a report recently that said frequent ejaculation can lessen

your chance of getting prostate cancer.

Really? Yep.

So, where's Anna this evening?

Oh, I think she had something else to do.

She's dumped you already?

That's only two days.

That doesn't even count as a girlfriend, does it?

No, a girlfriend's four days plus.

What happened? I couldn't go through with it.

But you had a... It's just, I've never been friends with a girl then slept with

her. So?

So, it just felt wrong.

It would have been like shagging my sister or something.

How do you know? You haven't shagged your sister.

Is she good looking?

What's that got to do with anything? She's my sister.

I was thinking for me.

You can't shag my sister. Why not? You're not going to.

Nobody's going to shag anybody's sister. You're not shagging Damien's sister and

you're not shagging your own sister.

In fact, you're better off not shagging anybody.

You like being on your own. You don't want a girlfriend.

Don't I? No.

Relationships only cause problems.

I thought you wanted a relationship.

I'm just trying to cheer him up.

Anyway, look what happened to Penny.

What's happened to me?

At least you've still got your job.

I've still got my job.

You've got to look on the bright side.

OK.

But can I drink myself to death first?

Look, none of us are in relationships.

Women are never interested in me.

I don't want a relationship.

And for the next ten years, Penny's only going to be able to go out with lesbian

armed robbers.

So we're all in the same situation.

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