All language subtitles for Teachers s04e06

Police were alerted after residents
noticed a semi -naked man acting

suspiciously in nearby bushes.

Appearing in court yesterday, 26 -year
-old Benjamin Burkitt.

Right, that's it. I'm changing my
fucking name.

When did this happen?

It's not me. It's the name. It's plagued
me for years.

Every flasher, rapist and serial wanker
out there is for some reason called Ben

Burkitt. So you're going to change your
name, then? First thing tomorrow

morning. To what?

Anything. Paul Johnson, Dwayne Smith,
anything but Ben Birkin.

You have to fill out a lot of forms.

Passports, bank accounts, it takes
years.

And even then, you still get the odd
piece of post addressed to your former

identity, which really pisses you off.
What do you know about it?

After my mum remarried, I took my
stepfather's name to piss my dad off.

What was your real dad called?

Jim. How many surnames?

Eichmann. Eichmann?

E -I -C -H -A -M -M -A -N -N. Eichmann.
Eichmann as in head of the Gestapo,

Eichmann. Found guilty and executed for
numerous war crimes, Eichmann.

I'm not related to the actual Eichmann.

Or I don't think I am. Hang on, why
haven't we noticed this before?

Blonde hair, blue eyes, pale skin.

Fuck me, you're a Nazi!

What it feels like to feel normal, to be
normal.

And I've forgotten what food tastes
like, the way it tastes right, the taste

that tastes right.

But I wake up.

Toby Hilliard, what's wrong? For a new
name?

Tupac.

Why do you keep Ben, but lose Barclay?
At least that way, we can still call

well, Ben.

Like that, if you're going to do
something, you should commit to it 100%.

Trouble lip.

That's a name.

Too Chinese.

Whatever you choose, you should void the
letter R, because you've a speech

impediment. I don't have a speech
impediment, do I?

I suppose you're wondering why I'm so
tired.

No. No. No.

Ping and I have finally consummated our
relationship.

Last night we made sweet love for the
first time, and then this morning we did

it for the second and third time,
kitchen floor over the banister.

Good morning, everyone.

I'm sure most of you are already aware
that the car park is being dug up and re

-tarmacked this week. I'm assured by the
workmen that this won't cause too much

disruption, but if it does, I won't...

You can quote me on that.

One other piece of information. This
week is our official race awareness

Tomorrow, we'll be holding a themed
assembly, and all this week, I'm

that the canteen staff will be doing
what they can to offer a culturally

menu. Involve your tutor groups, please.

Liz will, of course, be coordinating
events.

Why, of course?

Well, because you're... the secretary.

Thank you, everyone. Mr Waller, could I
see you for a moment, please?

I'm concerned that the canteen staff
might be over -expressing themselves

their menu this week.

Could you offer them some guidance for
me, please?

What? Like how to chop up a mango?

Precisely.

I hate race awareness week.

It's the worst awareness week out of all
the fucking awareness weeks. I quite

like it myself.

Always reminds me of my dead granny.

She was racist.

Everybody's grandparents are racist.

It's all people who can't help
themselves.

Look at Bob.

Bob can't be a racist. He's engaged to
Ping.

Do we need to remind you how they met?
He bought her.

In order to sleep with her. While she
ironed his shirt.

That doesn't make him a racist.

Does it?

Boy, do those Orientals know how to show
you good time. It's like the word no

doesn't exist in their vocabulary.

Good stamina, too. Goes all through the
night and never breaks a sweat.

Says it must be all the rice she eats
soaks up the moisture.

Yeah, I'd recommend an oriental woman to
anyone.

Every year it's the fucking thing. You
can't say this, you can't say that.

your clasp up in a yashma.

And they always set up some stupid
objective.

Don't forget your objective sheet.

Oh, here we go.

Another brilliant idea from our leader.
To be started at 9am today, completely

returned by 4 .30.

Have you had a conversation with someone
from a different ethnic group than your

own? So who went and what was the topic
of your discussion?

What does that mean, Liz?

You'll find the clues in the question.

Yes. I spoke to Liz, 9 .01 this morning,
about ethnic diversity.

Can I ask you a question?

Before I take the register, there's
something I'm supposed to ask you.

Oh, here it is.

Does anyone here come from an ethnic,
non -European background, be it black,

Asian, or mixed race?

Okay.

Well done to all of you.

Now let's move on.

Okay then, I thought we'd start off by
having a little chat about people's

ancestral backgrounds.

Anybody want to get the ball rolling?

Anybody?

No?

You're not ethnic, Genghis.

You're special.

My parents were Mongolian.

You're terrible.

I've been sitting him at the back of the
class with a pack of crayons for the

last two months.

Because you thought he was special?

He told me he was mongrel.

Easy mistake to make. He does have a big
face.

How about Jeremy Khan?

For what?

For me.

I'll buy you a drink. I'll buy you two.

Oh, thanks. All drinks all week.

Two drinks and you can borrow my coat
for the day.

Three drinks.

Feel on the cold. So what do you want to
talk about?

Fuck. What's going on?

Penny can't complete her form until
Damien speaks to her.

I don't even want to speak to one alone.

Why should I have to when I've got a
perfectly good black person stood right

front of me?

Because he won't talk to you. He doesn't
like you.

I'll remember this next time you need to
talk to a white person.

She is so lady.

Take a breath.

Thank you.

No. Thank you.

Completed your objective form yet? I
talked to that Japanese boy whose

were on the takeaway.

Yoshimitsu or whatever his name is. And
what did you talk about?

No idea. I couldn't understand a word he
was saying.

What have you put on your phone then?

Karate. What's the salad for?

I think it's great for health.

Do you hate all foreign food? I can't
help it if I have a sense of digestion.

You might have an ulcer.

Or stomach cancer, which is probably
more likely.

German stomach, that's a problem.

It's always been their weakness. What do
you mean?

That's why they kept losing wars.

They insist on boiling everything for
hours.

It slows them down.

I am not German. No, but you descend
from the Eichmann family.

Maybe you have a Nazi stomach.

Don't be ridiculous.

Look at that.

Nazi nose.

Let's get this straight.

You descended from Nazi blood. You don't
like foreign cuisine.

And you think Bob buying a Thai woman is
perfectly acceptable. Well, obviously

I'm a racist then.

I was being fantastic.

When did you start smoking?

Oh, I like to have one after sex.

It's lunchtime. You're in a school. Who
did you just have sex with? I meant last

night's sex.

And this morning's. Men of your age drop
dead during sex all the time.

Especially if they're not used to it.

Yeah, you want to be careful.

If you died on top of pink, she'd never
get out.

Unless you gave her a whistle.

That way she could at least call for
help.

If you were walking past someone's house
and you heard a whistle, would you go

in and investigate?

Good point.

What if it was a rape law?

More appropriate, at least.

I wouldn't go to help if I heard a rape
alarm.

You've got to help if you hear a rape
alarm.

I don't even know what a rape alarm
sounds like.

Isn't it like a fire alarm?

I definitely wouldn't go and help if I
heard a fire alarm. So if Bob's house

were on fire, you'd leave Ping to burn
to death?

She's trapped under Bob. It's already
too late for her.

Should we do something?

We could shut the door.

Yeah, that's better.

You said you wanted to see me.

Yeah, come in.

This is a bit awkward.

You're not going to ask me that again,
are you? I never asked you.

I've had a complaint about you.

From who?

The world definition test can set you a
year nine.

Adam Grint and Kayla Webb turned in
identical answers, but somehow you

to give them different grades.

Oh, I see what this is about.

It's Race Awareness Week. I make one
tiny marking error and suddenly I'm a

racist. Actually, you gave Kayla a
higher grade than Grint.

Well, then that means that I'm not a
racist.

You're going to have to regrade both
tests because now Grint thinks you've

it in for him. That's ridiculous.

Is it? Of course it is. If I've got it
in for anybody, it's Kayla.

And why did you have it in for Kayla?
Because he's an obnoxious little pal.

Happens to be black.

Oh, sorry.

Penny, you're in pink.

Go and get another seat.

Fuck you.

Her English is really coming along well.
I'm not moving. I was here first.

Actually, Ping was here before you.

But I started coming to the pub before
she did. It's not my fault if there's

enough places to sit.

Yeah, but come over here, take all our
seats.

Come and sit on Daddy's lap.

Ooh, light as a feather.

I managed to ride off the bed last
night.

You see that? See? She can't wait for
it, can she?

Daddy's coming!

Fucking hate that.

Yeah, me too.

What? You bring someone new to the pub
and they don't even get around him.

Yeah, how selfish.

Not buying any drinks and don't even
speak the lines much. I suppose.

Once you've had sex with the goods, it's
too late to send them back to the

manufacturers.

Who would the manufacturers be, anyway?

Her parents.

Imagine if they meet him at the wedding.

This is your son -in -law, a big, red
-wigged -up monster in a crumpled food.

Yeah, like they'd care.

I mean, it's a different culture out
there. She's probably the eighth child,

her parents only had her so that one day
they could sell her.

Shall we add that to the list?

descended from Nazis, hates foreign
food, all Thai women are reared for

prostitution. Why does everyone keep
insinuating that I'm a racist?

Let's see now.

I don't have a problem with ethnic
people.

Some of my best friends happen to be
black.

Oh, cool.

Damien? Fuck off, I'm not your friend.

Can we drink together?

Only because you follow all of us to the
pub.

Well, OK, I don't have any black
friends, but I could get one if I

No, you couldn't. Could? Couldn't. I
fucking could.

And I'll prove it.

I'm going to make a black friend.

A real black friend.

Why wouldn't a black person want me as a
friend?

Why would they?

I have a lot to offer in interracial
friendship.

Such as?

I have good friends.

I can keep secrets.

What sort of secrets?

I don't know. Any secret a black friend
would want to share with me.

Give me an example. Anything.

Like if they had a drug problem or if
they murdered someone.

Or maybe if one of her gold teeth fall
out.

I'm just making the point that I can be
a good, loyal friend, so black people

should jump at the chance to get to know
me.

Help!

Help me!

Do you realise that out of all the
ethnic groups, this school only employs

types?

Black and Chinese.

And whatever he is.

I think he maybe makes something.

He's all that.

I don't want to mix race, Frank, but I'm
going to do this. I'm going to do it

properly. You know why ethnic minorities
don't like to enter the teaching

profession, don't you?

Laziness.

Are you calling me lazy?

No, I'm saying black people find it hard
to adapt to the laziness.

Finish at four, three months holiday.

You don't have that sort of work ethic.

For us lot, it's natural.

I'm as lazy as any one of you fuckers.

He is.

Okay, I admit, you're an exception.

Thank you.

Good morning, Liz.

How are you today?

Fuck off.

Okay, let's be realistic about this. Liz
is always going to hate me.

It's going to have to be... Dr Chong.

Gator? What about him?

Penny's going to make friends with him.

Good luck. He's a miserable fucker.

On a purely technical level, couldn't we
be finding a Chinese man on the sole

basis that his Chinese be construed as
racist in itself?

I think we're already beyond that stage.

When was the last time you called Mr
Chong Kato?

Through his face? Never.

I warned you. Miserable fucker.

What did you just say to upset Paul?

Paul?

Paul Chong, head of man.

Well, what sort of stupid fucking name
is that for a Chinese man?

Brandon,

how are you? Fine.

Going anywhere now?

What game?

I bet you're a fast runner.

No, I'm crap.

Well, you must be good at other sports,
aren't you? What about basketball?

You must be good at basketball.

What are you doing? I'm just having a
friendly conversation with a pupil.

Who happens to be black? Is he?

Oh, yes, so he is.

What do you think King's like in bed?

Is that the bell? I didn't hear a bell.

It's 25 minutes.

I mean, they say Thai women are supposed
to be, you know...

Nice Tuesday.

More of like you. I just remembered I'm
supposed to be somewhere else. Where?

I have to be there right now, so I don't
actually have time to explain where it

is that I have to be.

Hurry.

You must be new. I haven't seen you
working here before.

My name's Penny, and I love your
hairnet.

My name's Penny.

I love your hairnet. Leave me alone.

Can I give you a little piece of advice?

I don't need your advice.

I can make black friends, but not with
black dinner, ladies.

The advice is this.

Dark -skinned?

Because she's tanned. Because she's been
on holiday.

Because she wanted to get a tan. Because
she's naturally fair -skinned. Because

she isn't black.

She just got back from two weeks in the
Crossbell Hall.

Do you think Austrian women yodel when
they reach orgasm?

Probably.

What about Thai women, Bob?

What about them? What noises do they
make in bed?

Well, I can't speak for all Thai women,
but Ping's pretty, you know, vocal.

In what way?

Lots of grunting, groaning.

Bobbing. Can we talk about something
else?

Just grunting and groaning?

Well, no, it's hard to describe.

Give us an example.

Well, it's like, er... It

doesn't sound like she's enjoying
herself much.

It gets much louder.

I nominate this moment as the lowest
point ever.

Oh, erm... I've just got to run to the
gents. Could someone get me a drink,

please?

You're wrong, Ping.

He doesn't understand you.

You buy drinks from bar.

Daddy.

Daddy having a piss. You're wrong.

Come along.

You and I haven't had a proper chat yet,
have we?

Where, Bob?

You know...

There's no reason why we can't become
friends.

Maybe not best friends, but certainly
good friends.

Can you say friends?

When?

Friends.

Yeah, let me help you. It's all in the
lips.

Friends.

Friends.

Friends.

Friends. Friends.

Friends. Friends. Which pin?

She's supposed to have been going around
in. Really?

Do you mean try to stop her?

Listen to this, everyone.

Go on, Ping. Tell everyone what you just
said about me.

Ha!

No, the other thing. Say the other
thing.

Pen!

What did she say?

Listen, she'll do it again.

I'm your pen.

No, still didn't catch that.

Listen carefully.

Pen!

I think you're hurting her.

Oh, for God's sake, Ping, you were doing
a lot better at the bar.

But you go out of your way to help these
people and this is the gratitude you

get. Fuck you. Oh, fuck you too.

I think you've upset her.

So? So maybe you should apologise.

For what? I was trying to teach her a
new word. But can she be bothered to

the effort? Fucking whore.

There you go.

There's a new word.

I didn't want you...

At least I made an effort to speak to
her, which is more than anyone else has

done. Look, if it means that much to you
to have an ethnic friend... Yes? I'll

keep my eyes open for you.

Don't fucking bother. I don't need a
black friend to prove I'm not a racist.

So how will you prove you're not racist?

How will you prove that I am?

With three words.

Plate -faced bitch.

How am I supposed to prove that I'm not
something? It's like asking me to prove

that I'm not attracted to, I don't know,
men who work in fairgrounds. Are you

attracted to men who work on
fairgrounds? No.

Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure.

Well, how do you feel about earrings on
men?

Look, forget about the fairground
people.

You're putting me into a conversation.

Look, it's not about who you know or how
many ethnic friends you have. It's

about how you behave around people,
whether they be black, white, yellow,

red. Who's red?

Red Indians.

You mean Native Americans.

Whatever.

You're too fast to be that slow I was
looking

up and I saw you go I was looking up and
I saw you

go You're too high to be that low

Oh, why don't I feel as though today?

You're hungover.

I don't appreciate it.

You just blew up in the car.

Oh, yeah.

Here, take this.

Why have you given this to me?

Because it's what mates do.

They give each other things.

I must have had a blackout.

All I remember from last night are the
words fate, face and bitch.

It's not healthy to spend so much time
on your own, Grint.

I'm used to it.

Why don't you go over and talk to those
girls?

They don't like me.

Just because people are different from
us, it's no reason to avoid them.

Come on.

Lady, this is Adam Grint and he would
like to have a conversation with you.

Did you know?

If you fell into a black hole, then you
could theoretically come out before

having fallen in.

So, if you saw your future self about to
fall into the vortex, then you could

grab hold of you and stop it from
happening.

We'll give you a five -second head
start.

One.

Two. Three, four.

Well done.

You should be race relations officer.

Ni hao.

Morning,

Bob. Six times, new personal best.

What?

Lovemaking. Oh, Steve.

Forget I asked.

Remember we got through the front door,
we were doing it, going all night on the

hall floor like demented animals.

Eventually we had to stop because we
were both feeling too raw.

OK, my coat and my locker. I no longer
have a reason to be standing here.

Thank you, everybody. This will only
take a minute of your time.

Unfortunately, we're having to cancel
today's assembly on racial equality as

guest speaker is calling sick.

Nothing too serious, I hope.

I suppose it could be malaria.

Or some form of deadly tropical flu.

Anyway, you can all inform your tutor
groups that we'll be rebooking

Agamemnon.

Agamemnon.

Patagotter. Panagotter.

Panagotter.

He's not fucking coming anyway.

If indeed it is a he. I've no idea,
that's all.

Oh.

Where's everyone else?

Hiding from you.

Why aren't you talking?

You're not talking either.

Yeah, but I haven't got anything to say.

And you always talk, whether you've got
anything to say or not.

You don't think I'm just standing here
with you just because you're... Well,

know.

What?

A person of colour.

You mean black?

What's black?

Not me.

Partly I'm a person of colour.

When did that happen?

You better ask Penny.

I'm just using the correct term.

What does that make us? People of no
colour? No, we're Caucasians.

What about someone who's half Caucasian
and half racist of colour? What's the

correct term for them?

It's mixed race.

What about someone from India?

They're Asian.

OK, what about someone who's half
Indian, half Chinese?

Mixed race, obviously.

But China and India are both in Asia.

So does that make them half Asian and
half Asian?

Yes. So when you go for an Asian meal,
do you call it an Asian meal or an

Indian? An Indian.

But you could be getting Chinese food.
This is very confusing.

Yeah, my point exactly.

When was that your point?

It's always been my point.

Excuse me, I've got a class to go to.

Oh, a splinter.

Must be from last night.

Flat out on my back on the kitchen
table.

Ping. Riding me like a fairground
attraction.

Not that I want to get into it, but was
this before or after the hallway floor?

Oh, before.

And then after.

And then on the sofa and halfway up the
stairs, yeah.

Five times in total.

No, six.

What?

Earlier you said it was six.

The personal best shag -a -thon.

Right, six.

Yeah, I passed out for the last orgasm.

Slightly technical question. If you're
unconscious, how do you know whether or

not you've had an orgasm?

Stickiness. You and Ping are having sex,
aren't you?

Yeah, all the time.

Yeah,

she loves me too.

Keeps telling me how I'm the best one
she's ever had and how commanding I am

between the sheets and how she just
wants to keep going on until we die of

exhaustion in each other's arms. All
this from a woman with a five -word

vocabulary.

What are you insinuating?

You're not getting any sex, are you?

No. Thought not.

Look at me.

Fucking Bob fucks up again.

Fucking Bob can't even have sex with a
woman he's fucking bought.

Bob.

What a fucking loser.

Well, let's see what everyone says about
me now, shall we?

It doesn't matter what everyone says.

Although they'll probably go with the
what a fucking loser angle.

What's so wrong with me? I'm not one of
these men who just dive in without

any... Warm up. I mean, I'm perfectly
prepared to stroke her flower for hours.

As long as I know that there's some
lovemaking on the horizon.

Let me touch that.

It's getting so big, isn't it?

Babies do that.

So unusual looking.

I mean, mixed -race babies are always so
striking.

Oh, Chinky.

You mean half -Chinese or mixed -race?

Said half -Chinky.

Yeah, I heard what you said, and I'm
saying to you that Chinky is a very

derogatory term, and you, as the parent
of a mixed -race child, should know

better.

She said half your chin keeps bleeding.

You've got a cold sore.

Right, of course you did.

She could just be waiting.

For what?

For me to die?

I mean until after the wedding.

I didn't think women did that anymore.

Pinkham are totally different cultures,
aren't they?

Maybe in Thailand they still do.

What do you think, sir?

What, you think she could be saving
herself?

No one's ever saved themselves for me
before.

I don't think she could be the first.

Well, if that's the case,

she's probably a virgin.

I mean, a real, live virgin.

By the time we walk down the aisle,
she'll be gagging for it.

She'll let me do anything.

That's the spirit, Bob.

Can we keep this, you know, between
ourselves?

I mean, I'd hate to embarrass her or
make her feel stupid.

Or let everyone know you've been lying
about getting sex again.

Yeah, but mostly it's the thing about
not embarrassing pings.

Whatever you say, Bob.

Do you know what that is?

Sushi, a traditional Japanese dish.

You don't eat fish.

I don't see any harm in experiencing
other cultural cuisine.

It's raw.

There is a cue.

Yes, but I choose to ignore it.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Can't we just have some good old
-fashioned food again?

What the fuck is a schnitzel?

Well, I'm sure there's something for you
here.

Why don't you have some rice and peas?

Why would I want rice and peas?

You wouldn't.

Of course you wouldn't.

Sorry, I wasn't suggesting.

Suggesting what?

Nothing.

Maybe I will have some rice and peas.

She doesn't really want rice and peas.
How about some fried chicken?

And a yam. Now you're being stupid.

Can I have some rice and peas? Yes, he
can have rice and peas. Why can he have

rice and peas and I can't?

Because you want chips.

Good old -fashioned chips. Everyone eats
chips. They're universal. I eat them.

You eat them.

Culturally non -specific chips.

Get out of my fucking way.

She took the rice and peas. You all saw
her.

I offered her chips when she went for
rice and peas. It was her decision.

Hello. Excellent.

Rice and peas.

Even I'm starting to think I might be a
racist.

Maybe you're all right about me. We
never accused you of being racist.

Oh, I think you did.

When? Well... We said you were Aryan,
descended from Nazis, and that you

have any black friends, but we never
called you a racist.

You jumped to that conclusion all on
your own.

So you don't think I'm a racist?

Well, I never said that either.

You know what your problem is? You're
too white.

I'm no whiter than any of you.

Except you.

But I've always thought of you as white
anyway.

Why would you think of me as white?

I don't know.

You're just like one of us.

OK. Now, I'm calling you racist.

Even if she is racist, it's not her
fault. Thank you, Ben.

Why isn't it my fault?

Because you're blonde.

And that's an excuse, is it? I've got
brown hair because my great -great

-grandmother was raped by a Portuguese
tailor.

Blonde people, on the other hand, are
all inbred. I'm not inbred.

Oh, come on. The only way you can keep
that hair colour is to reproduce with a

small circle of people.

Sooner or later, you're bound to wake up
next to your brother or sister, and

everyone knows inbred people are racist.

So people just assume I'm racist.

That's not fair.

Nothing ever is.

It's like black men having bigger cocks
than white men. It's a fact of life.

Actually, that's a myth.

Is it? No, it's true.

How much bigger? I mean, percentage
-wise.

Because 5 % I can deal with. If it's
closer to 20 %... Are you saying people

prejudiced against me because I'm Aryan?

No, that's what you're saying.

Actually, I did say that this time.

Oh, sorry. I just always assume she
misses the point.

That means I'm a minority.

And because I'm a minority, I'm being
discriminated against.

I'm a victim of racial prejudice.

Why would you think that?

People have always had it in for ethnic
minorities.

Just for the record, you know that
ethnic is not a minority.

He's albino. So?

So he's got freaky red eyes.

Who else is in this minority of yours?

There's no one that looks to mind.

You can't be the only one.

You've got to have a leader or a
spokesperson.

All right, if you insist.

Princess Diana.

Fuck off.

She was beautiful, humanitarian,
victimised and blonde.

And she's a bleacher, yeah. You can't
say that.

Why can't I?

It's treason.

Why are you staring at Damien's cock?

I'm not.

I was looking at the fabric on the
chair.

You mean the fabric on the chair
underneath Damien's cock?

All right, I admit it. But I've never
seen a black one before. I was curious

see if what they say is true.

Of course it is.

How do you know?

Because I've got one.

An enormous one.

That doesn't prove all black men are
well hung.

How many have you seen?

That's not important.

Yes, it is. You must have seen other
black cocks.

Why must I have?

Because you're black.

That doesn't automatically mean I look
at other black cocks.

What about your dad's, then? I've seen
my dad's cock loads of times.

Perfect. So, with the exception of
Damien's being his own, none of us have

seen a black cock.

Everybody else considers themselves a
minority.

Why can't I?

Just because I'm not black or Asian or
disabled or dyslexic, it doesn't mean

that I don't have sensibilities.

What about Bob?

What about him?

He's one of your lot, isn't he? No, he
fucking isn't. He's fair -skinned.

What's left of his hair is blondish.

He has a pink face.

Well, it's because of his blood
pressure.

And anyway, all blonde people have got
pink faces.

You get sunburned in three seconds. I
don't dare even try it.

Sorry, you can't fall from your minority
just because he's got a pink face. Why

can't I?

It's ethnic cleansing.

It's my minority. I get to choose who's
in it. Those are the rules.

You know there's only one way to settle
this, don't you? I'm not showing it to

you. But I thought we were mates.

If we were mates, you'd show it to me.
That's what mates do. They show each

other their clocks.

No, they don't.

Well, I'd show you mine.

I mean, if it was really big, I'd be
happy to show it to anybody.

I probably have it out all the time.
You're not seeing it, and that's the end

the conversation.

Mr Waller seems to think that he's got
something larger

than Mr Doherty and I have.

Has he?

It might be true, or it might not be.

Not that it would bother me if it were
true, because I'm very happy with the

size of this thing that I've got.

But it'd be nice to know one way or the
other.

Why don't you, Mr Waller, and Ms
Diderotty all show these things to each

and then you can see for yourselves
who's got the biggest.

I don't think I'd be comfortable doing
that.

Is that all you've done?

Three lines.

My hand hurts.

Kayla, this really isn't good enough.

Yeah, but think about it.

The less I write, the less you have to
mark.

I thought that would make you happy.

Are you saying that I'm lazy?

I didn't say anything.

But that's what you're insinuating.

Is it?

You think because I've got blonde hair
and blue eyes that I must be lazy.

You probably think I'm naturally stupid
as well.

I think I should talk to your mother
about this. Good luck.

But you are lazy.

In fact, I go far saying you're the
laziest person I've ever come across.

Well, it's hardly a surprise Kayla's
turned out the way she has, growing up

someone like you as a role model.

Don't you think you're being just a
little oversensitive?

My people have had to take this kind of
abuse for years.

Lazy, stupid, shallow.

Well, I intend to put a stop to these
racial slurs. And who exactly are your

people?

Aryans.

You mean people with blonde hair?

I find the connotations associated with
that word have rendered it offensive.

And I would rather you stopped using
that word in my company.

What?

Blonde?

I refuse to stand here and be insulted.

Liz has always hated me. Now I know why.
She's prejudiced. Liz hates everyone.

I've got a good mind to report her to
Claire.

Good idea.

Claire's blonde, so she'll probably take
your side.

Claire's not one of my people.

And I'm not a groundsy, discounting
twag.

It's not her natural hair colour.

So let's just be clear on this.

In order to be part of your little club,
you're not allowed red eyes, pink

cheeks or dyed hair.

In fact, you don't seem to qualify at
all unless you're you.

I wouldn't expect you to understand.

You're right, I don't.

Because this minority you've created
doesn't... counter the minority.

Why doesn't it? Because it's a minority
of one.

And if that's the case, people aren't
abusing your race, they're abusing you.

And if all they're doing is that, it's
fine by me.

Why don't you take a photo and show us
that?

I'm not developing a film with pictures
of my cock on. You could. Roll round it

on a piece of paper.

I mean, we don't need the details.

Why don't you fucking start?

You have to show me.

Why do I? Because otherwise, every time
I see you sit down for breakfast in

those blue pyjama bottoms, I won't be
able to help myself.

I'm going to be looking at that little
flap that pops open just to see if it's

true. You've clearly been looking
already or you wouldn't know there was a

that opens.

I mean, it's all right for you. The myth
works in your favour. You're not the

one being made to look inadequate.

What are you talking about?

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Come on in. Your lesson, your rules.

Buck up and have a fag if you like.

It's all cool with me.

Bob's in with the poison, isn't he?

He's convinced himself the only reason
Ping hasn't had sex with him yet is

because she's waiting till after the
wedding.

I thought they already were having sex.

Oh, no, he made all that stuff up so he
wouldn't look like a sad old totter.

Oh, hang on.

There's something I must be telling you.

Oh, yeah.

All of that.

She's never going to sleep with a missy.

Not in a million years.

Hi. Lindsay just told me about your
thing.

Oh, for fuck's sake. It's nothing,
frankly. No, I think it's great, you

Old -fashioned values and all that.

But... What?

Well, are you really sure this is what
you want? I mean, you're a man, huh? You

have needs.

The love of my life is waiting till our
wedding night before she surrenders

herself to me fully. I intend to respect
her wishes.

Are you sure that's what you want? I
wouldn't expect someone like you to

understand romance and tradition.

After I marry Ping, I'll be getting
something that most men can only dream

What's that?

A virgin.

Really? Did Ping actually tell you that
she's a virgin?

Well, not in so many words, no, but I
imagine that she wants to surprise me

it on the big night.

Wow, that really would be a surprise.

So now are you jealous?

Well, of course.

I mean, how couldn't I be?

Although they do say a woman with no
experience is as bad as a woman with too

much experience. Who says that?

People.

Lots of people.

You know, a couple of days ago I was
starting to have a few doubts about this

wedding. Am I doing the right thing?

Does she really love me?

These are good questions to ask
yourself.

And now I know I am doing the right
thing.

A good marriage is not just about sex.

Isn't it? No.

It's about honesty, it's about support
and trust.

Respect and getting your hands on
something no other men have touched

I'm sorry. We don't allow ethnic
minorities at this table.

It would be great to know a distance
myself from my area, Marie.

So you're no longer in a minority?

Let's just say I've been contacted by
fellow members of the Aryan race and I

want nothing to do with them.

Link?

Point taken.

We should go and talk to him.

Why? So you can find out how big his
cock is.

That's a really good idea.

He's more likely to show it to you than
us. He doesn't even have to show it. You

go over, you have a conversation about
being black, and then you just... Can I

beg it?

Okay, I'll do it.

Will you? Of course I fucking won't. I
need to find out somehow.

There is an easier way.

After we do this, we never talk about
it.

Agreed.

Never talk about what?

That's the idea.

No, seriously, I don't know what's going
on.

Come on, let's settle this.

Oh, room for a small one.

What's up with you lot?

We don't want to talk about it. Ever.

Right then.

My round, is it?

Large one, is it, love?

I think I need a black name.

Why? When I ring people up and leave my
name, I want them to think he's black.

You know, just to create a bit of
intrigue.

What do you think about Steve Mandela?

Great idea.

Change name.

What did she say?

I think she wants to change her name.

Never.

I don't even know what your surname is,
Carol.

Yeah, I don't think I've ever heard you
mention it.

Gruber.

Gruber?

Schickl.

Schickl Gruber.

Where have I heard that before?

It was Hitler's father's name.