All language subtitles for Teachers s04e04

You let them do that to you while you
were awake.

What if you just freaked out and pulled
away involuntarily? Do we have to keep

talking about Bob's genitals?

A vasectomy is just so extreme.

Aren't you supposed to, you know, a
certain number of times before it takes

vasectomy? How the fuck do you know
that? Lindy told me.

I think she's okay.

I don't know. How many times? I don't
know.

How many?

Is it 100?

99? 98?

I'm not going to discuss this.

97? 96?

95? 20, all right, 20.

Satisfied now?

So, when does Ping arrive?

Next week, and then let the passion
begin.

So Bob isn't allowed to speak with Ping
until he's...

got rid of at least 20, let's say 25 to
be on the safe side, and realistically

you'll want the weekend to recover,
which leaves five days.

Unless you've made it to the arts.

I'm still a bit sore.

I ain't got nothing to bat as five at
night.

Can we change the subject?

Where's the rule that says our wanking
must be done at night? Not in school.

I'm just going to have to grasp my
opportunities wherever I can.

Do you want to buy a lottery ticket? Do
you want a lottery ticket?

Sorry.

Is she choking?

Lindsay, are you choking?

Oh, that's right. You have a fucking
chat with her about it.

Quick, somebody help. Ewan.

Do the hymen remover. I can't get my
hands around her.

I can't do it. Let me try. Yeah, because
your arms are so much longer than mine.

Hold them out, then.

Ewan's are a bit longer. Oh, for fuck's
sake.

Fucking hell.

That is fucking incredible.

So, today's the big day.

Have you started yet?

We should get going. You never fit them
all in.

That might help.

We can't rush these things.

Need to wait till I'm in the mood.

As you all know, we're drawing to the
close of Obesity Awareness Month.

So if you haven't already done so,
please talk to your cute groups about

importance of watching your weight and
eating well.

And can the PE department at least make
it look like we're trying to get some of

those fat little things to run around a
bit?

Sorry, when did you tell us it was
Obesity Awareness Month?

Three weeks ago.

I don't think you did.

Of course I did. You didn't. Did.

Didn't. Did.

Didn't. Did. Didn't. Did.

So, we have just one more week to
complete the sponsored slim that I

three weeks ago and lose more weight
than any other school in the area.

What I need is volunteers.

Here. Thank you. I didn't volunteer.

No, but as you're the fattest person in
the school, I think you should.

Everyone knows fat people lose weight
quicker than normal people.

I'm very happy as I am, thank you.

Why?

Being fat is very bad for you.

Why?

Well, you wouldn't want a fat boyfriend
or a fat girlfriend.

I mean, even if you're fat yourself, you
wouldn't want to go out with someone

fat, would you, Wayne?

So why is it important for us to keep
our weight down?

Overweight people put unnecessary strain
on their heart, which can lead to high

blood pressure.

This, in turn, can lead to damage of the
heart, kidneys, and brain.

Fuck.

They're also at risk of heart disease
and diabetes.

Basically, if you're fat, you die.

I just think it would be a real shame if
you died of fatness.

Especially now, when I've just started
warming to you.

For fuck's sake, I'm perfectly healthy.

I doubt that. But even if you are, you
could choke again.

Well, if you have a sound there whining
about it, then you could try and do

something constructive.

Like learn the Heimlich manoeuvre.

I can't.

It's not my fault.

It is your fault. You're inflexible.

If you did yoga or something, you'd be
able to dislocate one of your arms.

Oh, yeah.

Well done.

He's got a really short skirt on.

Can't force nature.

You're not trying.

Concentrate.

Is it too much to ask that you just shut
up and let me smoke?

Cut up!

I can't help it. I'm just worried about

Lindsay.

And I read that worry leads to
depression, and depression is a major

contributing factor to heart disease.

You're worried you're going to die of
worry.

You feel so selfish.

Here's this opportunity to really do
something about her weight.

Instead, she's just determined to kill
me.

Exactly.

And there are...

a hand with that?

Although you probably don't need my
help.

Don't.

You look very capable.

I bet you're really good in an
emergency.

Say, if someone needed saving.

If they were choking, for instance.

Busy.

Excuse me.

I'm just going to get...

straight to the point i know this might
sound a little weird but as part of my

new health and safety responsibilities i
need you to help me simulate choking

incidents so i can monitor how you'd
respond okay i'm gonna simulate the

and you two are gonna work as a team to
show me how you'd save me

no you need to apply pressure all the
way around

Crisis over.

What crisis? Well, it mustn't be as
dangerously obese as some people have

to believe, because, and I'm directing
this at Liz in particular, I have found

plenty of people who could save me were
I to choke.

Who?

Dinner ladies.

Dinner ladies?

Yes, two, actually. There are two dinner
ladies who can perform a very effective

high move on me.

Separately or together?

I don't know.

Together? What does it matter?

Since when did having two dinner ladies
get their arms around you become the

ultimate test of physical condition?

Well, it's good enough for me.

Where have they gone?

Where?

Do you

have

fun while I was hard at work last night?

Yes, it was great. We spent all night
talking about how apparently Lindsay

fat. Well, it's all relative, isn't it?

I mean, I'm fat compared to you, but
you're fat compared to Karen Carpenter.

I'm not going to be this busy for long.

No, but for now you've got a lot on.

Fair enough. I'm okay about it.

You know, I've got an idea.

Oh, yeah?

What way in which I might be able to get
through all this work and we might be

able to spend more time together?

Go on.

Well...

How about if you would talk to me with a
little extra tuition?

That'd be romantic.

Good morning.

It's been brought to my attention that
the sponsored slim is not being taken

entirely seriously.

I'm taking it seriously.

Miss Pierce, we have a reputation to
uphold.

You have more pounds to lose than anyone
else. I'm going to make sure you lose

them.

So I've put some measures in place to
help you.

You've done what?

Liz has spoken to the kitchen staff, and
they're under strict instruction to

issue you with a healthy, low -calorie
diet.

Fine.

I've got the chip shop.

I've spoken to the happy haddock, and
they're also under instruction not to

serve you.

I've also spoken to Donny's Kebabs,
Pizzas for Go and every other fast food

emporium within waddling distance of
this school.

I don't care who you've spoken to. You
can't force me to lose weight. I think

you'll find I can.

I mean, there are fatter women than they
do. I know.

Like you.

How far would you go?

I don't know.

Fern Britton? Why?

She seems nice.

Like she'd be a good listener.

We're talking about shagging.

Not winding on about your endless
fucking problems.

What were we talking about?

Fat women.

Ah, well, I figured it can be very
appealing.

Within reason.

Yeah, a bit of fat, okay.

No, it's fairly lighty.

You know, when this thing goes all
lumpy, puckered and suity.

Can a woman have fairly light anywhere?

I mean, tits, for example.

Can you get tits fairly light?

Why not?

You should ask around.

And do men get fairly light?

Bob, do you have fairly light?

Well... Curry, large chips, and it's
been a hard day, so don't even think

messing me around.

Who was that for?

You fucking eat it there.

I

don't

really like salad.

You never do.

I mean, it's all right if we're saying
animals and peace protesters.

It wouldn't feel a proper human of.

We're just thinking about you.

Well, don't.

Think about the children's education.

Honestly, I could hardly teach my year
10 this morning because I was dizzy from

hunger.

It's not like you're going to miss a
roll.

Claire asked.

I didn't give you this.

Actually, maybe I shouldn't.

Good for you.

I can't eat it now, can I? I don't know
how Bob's touched it with his wanking

hand. No offence, Bob.

So, today I'm having sex with a fat
girl.

Yeah. She's panting, making moaning
noises.

How do you know it's not just because
she's naked?

I mean, how can you tell if she's really
enjoying it?

Who cares?

I mean, you'd be the one making all the
effort anyway.

She'll just be lying down eating toast.

Give me a minute to shag a farm animal.

Why would you want to shag a farm
animal?

I wouldn't.

But then I wouldn't want to shag a fat
woman either.

Apparently, on farms, it's quite common
for men to practice on the animals.

So what?

After they've tried the few chickens or
something, they're ready to go out into

the world of women.

I don't think they graduate to sheep or
cows first, but yeah.

And they just do it to them?

Like that?

Like what?

They don't try and make them look more
human?

How?

I don't know.

Lingerie?

What are you doing?

Just making sure that we get some
privacy.

What do we need privacy for?

We're working.

What do you think the play is about?

Boredom. Not because you're being taught
by Ewan.

You know, I thought of three great
things that we could do like that.

And yes, one of them all.

Why don't we concentrate on just that?

how cute your baby's looking these days.

Nipples.

Prolapsed. Sorry, I didn't get that.

Pushed. Ripped.

Anus.

Sorry, actually,

I really wanted to ask you, could I
possibly have a crisp?

Loud.

I can't understand what you're saying.
Are you going to give me one or not?

Claire, salad.

Just give me a fucking crisp.

Oh my God.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Are you still there?

Yes.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to decide whether this is the
saddest thing I've ever seen in my

entire life.

Damien will know.

the fuck were you doing?

I dropped my keys through the hatch.

If that was me stuck there, I don't
think I'd ever eat again.

Fucking hell, Ben, how many people did
you bring?

I had to get reinforcements.

This is not my fault.

If that fucking bitch hadn't cut off me
food supply, I wouldn't be driven to

these lengths.

Oh.

Hello.

So, do I take it you'll now be embracing
our slimming drive?

Or shall we leave you there until you're
thin enough to fall out?

You're begging for forgiveness.

It's just a game.

It's running back and forth inside your
mind. Just how that's bound to find you.

Dress you up. Paint it on your face.

You're leaving New York.

Another takeaway you won't be allowed to
do this.

Oh, and look, you seem to have fallen
over.

I think she finally understands that if
she wants to avoid a slow and

excruciating death from some fat
disease, she's got to go about this

And do you want to know the best bit?
No.

The best bit is that if she's going to
live, that means I'm going to live.

Pity.

How did you describe it?

Like a hippo in a cat flap. Was that it?

No, I don't know what you mean.

Yeah, you said it was like watching a
hippo in a cat flap trying to get a

truffle of him. I don't remember that.

Anyway, hippos don't eat tinned ham, so
there's no way I would have said that.

How do you know they don't?

If somebody with a can opener for them.

Hippos prefer their food.

I just didn't say that, OK?

Good news.

That was just to get your attention. Of
course there isn't any.

Miss Pierce, remember, there are only
two days left before your final weigh

I know.

So plenty of support from everyone,
please.

And if you see her stuffing anything
into her fat mouth, feel free to

Thank you.

Miss Fitz, can I have a word?

Now, obviously, we need to be sensible
about this, but there are a lot of crash

diets out there.

Have you looked into them yet? And think
about liposuction. You could probably

squeeze some into your lunchtime.

Sorry, why does Liz have to do this
diet? She's fat.

I'm not fat.

You're not small, are you?

I have large breasts. Not a lack of self
-control. And what do you think your

breasts are made of?

Fat.

Well done, Liz. You'll be joining
Lindsay.

Maybe you could rope in a few of your
other fat friends, too.

I'm doing it myself now. Isn't that
enough?

Frankly, no.

Good morning, everyone.

Hands up for all those who think Mr.
Porter could do with losing some weight.

That's Mr. Porter.

Okay, see?

Now, what you need to do is join me on a
short weight loss program.

Isn't that right?

Well, that's very thoughtful of you,
Miss Pierce, and very tempting.

Well? Well, the truth is, I'm actually
in the middle of a very demanding health

program of my own, which is actually
providing me with plenty of exercise.

Perhaps you'd like to explain to the
class exactly which muscle group you

on most recently.

Well, um... I didn't think so.

Right, where were we?

Imagine if I didn't teach at this
school.

I know.

Or if you went to a different school.

I know.

If this comes up on the exam...

I'm screwed. I don't know any of this.

Well, that's why I'm here.

Do you think we would have met anyway,
though?

I do.

I think you would have probably spotted
me on the street or somewhere.

Did you know that, and I can't remember
the exact figures, but something like 60

% of fat people die before they reach
middle age?

Are you sure?

Yes.

Give or take.

How can that be right?

I don't know. I'm not a doctor.

Well, neither am I, but 60 % is more
than half.

I'm not a mathematician either.

That means that most fat middle -aged
people are dead.

If you say so.

No, that's what you're saying.

Look, I don't want to get bogged down by
details.

It might have been 40%. Still means that
most of us will know somebody who's

died as a result of obesity.

I don't know anyone who's died of
obesity. Do you?

The point is, you're both too fast.
You're a right fucking state.

And so you're going to be taking part in
a sponsored slim.

It can't be 40%. Will you shut up? Cunt,
motherfucker!

We were just saying how heartwarming it
is to see someone so dedicated.

It's almost like a vacation.

It's like the more I do it, the more I
can do it.

The more I want to do it. What do you
look at for inspiration?

What?

You can literally just look at anything
and it lets you off.

It's quite a talent, really, isn't it?

When you think about it.

You should put it on your CV.

Focus on the work in your exercise book.

I'll come round later.

Are there any questions?

Yes?

I've, er... lost my textbook.

Sorry, I missed breakfast.

You'll have to repeat that.

Because the fact is, by the end of the
play, these two characters don't even

know what's normal.

Can you wait just a moment?

Is everything OK?

Could you tell Anthony that I need to
speak to him?

We're in the middle of a lesson. Can't I
just give him a message?

Okay. Tell him that I'm gagging for it,
and if he'd meet me outside in ten

minutes, he can shag me up the arse.

Thank you.

Um, Miss Neville needs to speak to you.
She says it's important.

Will you just tell her I'm busy?

Fuck. Oh, we don't want his.

We want our own.

Liz, I'm so glad you and your giant
breasts decided to join us. Well, you

your big floppy chins need all the
friends they can get. How could we

So what do we do now?

Now?

What do you think we do now?

What about a motivational chat?

If we all talk to each other about our
relationships with food, we might

an important moment in our path that led
us to obesity problems today.

Great idea.

Go on, then.

Well... I think I'm fat because...

I eat too much.

Right, who's next?

Can we talk about year ten set text?

Because... Look at that.

That's amazing, isn't it?

Uh, yeah.

So, what I was thinking is if we could
just agree on three... You know,

sometimes, I don't think there are
enough hours in the day. Yesterday, I

have a single free period, and yet I
still managed five.

What do you think about that, then, eh?

Great. You're fucking right it's great.
I'm awash.

With endorphins.

That's been like the king of the world.

Right, well, I'm glad it's all going so
well. I know. For an oldie. Well, there

you go. You youngsters don't know the
first thing about the potency of the

mature man.

I'll come back.

It's all about mind over matter.

Anything... Bob,

what happened?

Bob?

Look, I've got something to say.

I've got loads of work to do at the
moment.

I know that.

So I don't really need any distractions.

I was thinking we should call it a day.

I know you don't understand.

Are you dumping me? I'm sorry, but I
knew the best thing was to be open about

this. That we could deal with it in a
dignified way. You don't dump me.

You don't dump me.

I dump you, you little shit.

Penny. Miss Neville.

I don't believe it. I'm sorry.

You fucking will be.

What on earth is he doing?

No idea.

Me neither. But I think Lindsay knows.

Well, I don't know anything. I think she
does.

Get... Pivot.

What?

What if it won't go down?

What then?

Any news on Bob? Is he dead?

Give him a chance.

They only stretched him off ten minutes
ago.

You missed all the excitement.

Bob will probably die.

Whatever.

Bob might die.

How can you not be interested?

Is something wrong?

Of course not.

I was just wondering because you came
looking for Anthony in the middle of my

lesson. No, this has nothing to do with
Anthony.

Nothing's wrong. Shut up.

He's dumped you.

I've not been dumped.

If you must know, I dumped Anthony.

He's devastated.

Well, at least you know that at his age,
he'll get over it quickly.

Yeah. He'll probably won't even remember
your name by this time tomorrow.

He will remember my fucking name.

Do you reckon Bob will die?

How the fuck should I know?

You're a biology teacher.

You understand the human body.

I was out of the room when they covered
death by wanking.

Why do you even care?

I don't care. I'm just curious.

It's an amazing number of things that
can kill you. Did you know that

the Great died shagging a horse?

Francis Bacon died stuffing a chicken
with snow.

Oh, come on. He did. He was saying it
would breathe.

But how would that work? Lindsay?

Shit.

Are you all right?

I'm fine, I think.

Not you.

Can you still breathe?

Oh, my God.

Look at this. It's working.

What? He's got his arms around me.

You're right.

That's amazing.

Well done.

I'm losing weight.

I can feel it. I'm fitter. I'm lighter.

This is what I can achieve in a couple
of days. Imagine what I'll be like in a

couple of months.

Obese? Rather than morbidly obese?

I'd be like that really thin model.

What's it called?

You know, the old one looks like a twig.

Twiggy. That's it.

Or rather, that'll be me in a couple of
months.

Only younger.

Do you want to get off him now?

You just can't stand seeing anybody
happy.

I know.

But I'm still right.

The man was a freak.

Didn't you see his arms? He was like...
What's the opposite of a thalidomide?

Is there an opposite of thalidomide?

What's the opposite of a thalidomide?

That man who got his arms around, didn't
he?

What are you doing in Bob's classroom?

Isn't he coming back?

Has he died?

I'm covering his classroom. Will you
stop worrying? I'm not. I just...

I can't stand not knowing.

You're going to worry about something.
Maybe it should be this.

It says here that one in four people
will die before the age of 40.

Why would I worry about that?

It'll be Lindsay, that'll be.

Why? Because she's fat and unhealthy.

I wouldn't be so sure.

I mean, a lot of serious illnesses are
sparked off by stress.

And you are a bit of a worrier.

I'm not as stressed as Lindsay is fat.

What's fat?

You said yourself.

The weight's falling off her now.

And it's all thanks to you.

I think you'd be very generous.

What do you mean?

Well, all the support you've given her.

All the encouragement to lose weight,
make herself healthier.

Yeah, because I like her. We all do. But
we wouldn't necessarily die for her.

I don't know what you mean.

I think you do.

It's not fair.

I've been good all my life trying to
avoid pain and illness and wasting

while she sat back and stuffed her face.
But now, somehow, I'm the one who's

going to die.

Well, fuck her.

You can't see it, can you?

I can see that you've put your hand on
my arm, and I'd like you to take it off.

The trouble is, you never know if saying
something is just going to make it

worse.

I can also see that you're being very
annoying.

I just think that you might be taking
this too far.

Look, I'm just going to say this, and
then I'll leave.

Every mirror is a distorting mirror to
an anorexic.

Let's celebrate your achievements
tonight. Big plate of chips and a few

What do you say?

You do realise we have a zero -tolerance
policy on litter?

How interesting.

And I think it's safe to assume that the
chocolate wrapper that I picked up

further down the corridor... What are
you doing?

Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to
you. Well, then don't talk to me like

a fucking child.

I'm a teacher. You are a child. These
are the new premises of our

You're pathetic.

And you're a schoolboy.

Will they call if he dies?

You know, if I thought it might shut you
up, I'd go there and kill him myself.

It's your round.

What'll it be? Pint and what?

Packing of crisps?

No. I know it's hard for you to get your
neurotic little brain around, but I'm

actually enjoying feeling healthier.

Anorexics have to start somewhere.

Get me an orange juice.

Are you that fat girl who choked on a
donut?

I was.

It used to be.

What?

Yeah, OK.

Why? You've won.

You've got the winning lottery ticket.

What have you won?

You have to come and get weighed
tomorrow night.

Then you can come and start claiming
your pride.

If you like.

Oh, my God. You've won your own weight
in beer.

No.

I don't know about you lot, but I think
that's enough dieting for one week. A

girl has to be careful she doesn't waste
away.

What I have to do now is... Pile on as
much weight as you can before tomorrow

night. Exactly.

Do you think that's what's to do with an
orange juice?

I'll go back.

How about some pork scratchings? My
treat.

Good morning. Good morning.

Why

aren't you

dead?

Thanks for your concern.

What are you going to tell Claire?

That I...

Fell over that I walked into a door that
my fucking cock developed a fucking

life of its own, standing to attention
every fucking minute of the day. How

about that?

You know, the real tragedy is that Bob
didn't think about sponsorship before he

set off.

Your wanking might have put the school
on the map.

Oh, I know you think this whole thing is
fucking hilarious, but I've just

survived a very traumatic experience.

Was it life or death?

I said it was close.

Okay, how close?

Close.

But how close?

The doctor thinks that if I've carried
on, then let's just say I was right at

the edge.

Fucking hell.

You were one wank away from death.

So what happens if something sets you
off now?

It mustn't.

Don't want anything too revealing, will
you?

Morning, everybody.

I hope you all visited your cash
dispensers this morning because Carol

coming round collecting sponsorship
money.

For those of you who sponsored Miss
Pierce, you might want to think about an

overdraft.

How do we know how much weight Lindsay's
lost?

In fact, how do we know if she's lost
any?

How much did Lindsay weigh before?

I have no idea.

A lot.

We'll do the final weigh -in and
announce the figure later.

Lindsay, I'd like to see you in my
office straight away, please.

So, you started at around 17 stone.

15 stone.

So you started at around 17 stone, and
now you're what?

10 stone 6?

No, let's say 13 stone 4.

So, that's a total weight loss of...

Three stone and eight pounds.

Marvellous. Thank you.

Stop! Don't move another inch. Just
stick in here.

Okay.

Every time you injure yourself, you burn
off precious calories.

Right, where did you get this from?
Don't worry about that now. Just eat

That. That.

Put it away.

What?

That.

The peach.

Put it away now.

It's just some fruit.

I know what it is now. Put it away.

Stop complaining.

The people in Africa give anything for
just five minutes of this. We'll just

make you eat it again.

Oi, go on.

Can I not just have one cigarette?

You'll have plenty of time to smoke
while they're pulling their thousand

You should get back.

Isn't this working out well for you?

You get free beer and Lindsay dies. Your
best ever day.

Yeah, but you get free beer too.

Yeah, but you live.

You're getting more out of this than I
am.

Cheers.

Well done.

I don't see what's so clever about being
fat and drunk.

You know what?

There's probably nothing in it, but I'm
starting to actually feel healthier.

More robust.

There's nothing in it.

It's as if I've thrown off all my
worries and I can just relax and enjoy a

and happy life now. Don't count on it.

Fattening up Lindsay isn't going to
compensate for the male -female death

party. The what?

Men die earlier than women. It's a
proven fact.

All you're doing is evening things up a
bit.

I'd say it's still touch and go.

What are you talking about?

Nothing. That's why I'm not that nice to
either of you.

I don't want to get too attached and
then upset myself when one of you dies.

What's this? Bar bill.

260 quid?

What's this about?

I'm the winner. I won the beer.

Is there a problem?

I can't be a bar bill.

I've just won my own weight in beer.

I know I've been on a diet and
everything, but there's no way I weigh

this lot.

You weigh 210 pounds. That's 3 ,360
ounces.

That works out at 168 pints, which means
you get one pint every night for the

next 168 nights.

And you'll see here that we have
subtracted the cost of a pint from this

which leaves this figure to pay.

I'm not fucking paying, eh?

Ironic, isn't it? What's ironic?

You're too fat and lazy to read the
small print.

Where are you going?

Home. I should be going to... Oh, come
on, you're... Have a good night out. I'm

exhausted. The doctor said this might
happen. It's common after severe trauma.

Somebody ought to see Bob home.

Fuck off. Why?

In case the, uh... Who's going to have a
pay for all this?

I don't really like lager.

I'll help you.

Really?

Thank you, Ewan.

It's always good to know someone you can
rely on.

How much money you got on you?

£3 .32.

What kind of fucking friend you are?

Sorry.

Where the fuck are you going?

Possibly home.

Possibly another pub.

Basically anywhere I don't have to watch
you begging for money to pay for a

table of beer. You drank loads of this.

Not fair, really, is it? I don't care
who pays for this, but someone has to.

I was only joking.

I mean, how selfish do you think I am?

Very.

Is that the best you can do?

Maybe you should try putting on a bit of
weight.