All language subtitles for Teachers s04e02

You all want a drink?

Go on, someone.

Ewan? Sorry, I'm just heading off.

Bollocks. You can still get one on your
own, you know. I only want a glass of

water. So?

I can't ask the barman for just one
glass of water.

Why not?

Men can't buy around in a pub that
doesn't include at least one alcoholic

It's just one of those gender -specific
cultural rules. You know, like...

Men aren't allowed to be first on the
dance floor, and women aren't supposed

make the first move.

Excuse me?

What? That's true, isn't it? Women
generally wait for the man to take the

initiative.

It's like a way of establishing his
credentials as a prospective mate.

It is true.

A woman's never made a pass at me.

Now, there's a surprise.

And what about you, Ewan? Has a woman
ever made a pass at you?

I'm not sure.

Probably. I would have thought so.

You'd know if she had.

I don't know.

I'm never entirely sure.

Usually it just sort of happens.

You know, I'm with someone, we're
getting on, and next thing you know,

bed.

The point is, what would you do if
someone did make a path for you?

Depends who.

Well, someone really attractive?

Someone you really liked?

I wouldn't mind.

Wouldn't you?

No. Probably quite like it.

Here. Can I get a lift?

Yeah, sure.

Here we are.

Goodnight.

Oh, shit.

What's wrong?

I, you know, don't want to.

Oh.

Sorry.

Why didn't you say something?

Well, um, I wasn't totally sure, so I
wanted to give you the benefit of the

doubt, see if I liked it, but I didn't.

But next time, I'll knock you back
straight away, I promise. Thanks.

Night!

You're right, then. Don't... I have a
lump on my neck the size of a huge

How many times do I have to tell you?

Never, ever ask Ben a question.

What kind of lump?

I have no idea.

It's probably just neck cancer.

Can you get neck cancer?

Of course not.

You probably got a virus.

What kind of virus?

A fatal one.

Hey, look.

Hello, though. I want to offer them a
lift.

What the fuck are you doing? I don't
want to offer them a lift.

We're not actually going to give them
one. We're just going to offer it, then

race off.

There's no point.

So? That's weird.

You usually offer us a lift, then fuck
off.

Something's going on.

Look at you. You look all shifty. No.

Stop the car. I'm getting out.

I can't drive with a man I no longer
trust.

Nothing happened.

Nothing happened. He used the word
happened. Why?

Did something happen?

You have to promise not to say that.

I promise.

Penny, I just heard what happened.

And can I just say I'm sorry? But if
it's any consolation, you're not the

That's what women are always throwing
themselves at you after. Grow up.

Now look what you've done.

What was that all about?

Last night I made a pass at you and he
said no.

End of story.

In hell.

That's no big deal.

No, sure.

Although, it's a bit of a deal, isn't
it?

I mean, you must feel a bit ridiculous.

No, but then I'm an adult.

Oh, go on, just for me. I feel like
twat. I won't tell anyone.

Hurtle down.

I just wanted to inform you that as part
of our commitment to promoting age

awareness, we've invited a small group
of senior citizens to spend the day with

us and give a talk to our sixth form
general studies group.

I need someone to chaperone them, take
them to lunch, make sure they're still

alive at the end of the day. Any
volunteers?

Ideally someone who can relate well to
the elderly, Bob.

Well, don't look at me.

No fucking way am I hanging out with a
bunch of fucking geriatrics.

Anyone else?

How? Mr. Burkett.

Yes?

Twelve o 'clock, outside my office. And
try not to wear anything too cheerful.

One final thing. Miss Neville and Miss
Pierce, Mrs. Frobisher has asked me to

remind you that you're down for library
induction this morning.

Please try and be prompt.

Can't believe you did that.

Thought you'd want to hang out with the
old people.

You know I hate being around old people.

Even more than I hate being around
children.

They're not that bad.

They're not bad. They just make me feel
so vulnerable.

All I have to do is look at them and all
I can think about is how they're nearly

dead and how one day I'll be nearly dead
too.

I just thought it might do you good to
spend some time around people who were

actually dying.

Shit, that reminds me.

How's the lamp?

It's still there.

Could be worse.

He could be a sad, desperate middle
-aged man trying to buy sex over the

internet.

Where have you all just sat?

Kind of a bit desperate.

Ah, have you chose one yet, Bob?

No, but I've narrowed it down to a short
list.

That one's got a wide face.

So?

Well, seeing as you've got a wide face,
you might want to avoid a wife with a

wide face. Otherwise you'd be one of
these... Wide -faced couple.

Oh, yeah, thanks.

That one's much nicer.

Really?

Why do I need an induction?

The library has my books. I'm not going
to take one out.

Well, you better know.

You might want to read one. I doubt it.

Miss Neville?

Me. If you'd like to come this way.
Can't we both do it together?

No. Why not?

I'm a qualified librarian.

Do I try to tell you how to teach?

No. But it wouldn't be a bad idea if you
did.

You'd all the help I can get.

You go first.

You're not supposed to actually read
them. They're there for effect.

Wow.

What?

No, I just... You're lovely.

OK, then.

Sorry.

Shit.

I'm just shocked. It's not often we get
attractive teachers here.

Never, in fact.

You are a teacher, aren't you?

Yes, I am.

I'd better get back to my class.

I'm sorry again for telling you I
thought you were lovely.

But you are.

Do you usually hang around in libraries
telling women that they're lovely?

Oh, this is the first time.

Do you want to go for a drink tonight?

With you?

Ideally.

All right, then.

What are you grinning so smugly about?

Nothing. Oh, you've got that look. What
look? That I -think -I -am -it look you

get whenever you think someone's fancy,
do you? I don't know what you're talking

about. You can't have pulled.

You don't meet men in libraries. You
meet freaks, if you say so.

Sorry, I thought you were one of my year
9 retards.

Nope, I'm not.

Do you want to get a copy from the staff
room?

I can't.

I was just passing and I thought I'd say
hello.

So I did.

Thanks. Well, bye then.

My name's Anthony, by the way.

That's all.

And you're Penny, right?

I know.

So, what was it like?

Based on the first ten seconds, it was
okay.

If it was okay, then why did you pull
out?

Did she kiss like a horse?

She's a good kisser. I just didn't fancy
her.

Of course you didn't.

She made her first move.

So?

So she contravened sexual etiquette,
which means she's pushy. And men don't

pushiness an attractive quality in
women, especially when it comes to sex.

Ah, Lindsay, there you are.

Can I have a word?

Actually, I'm really busy.

I just want your advice on, you know, my
high.

It's revolting.

Yeah, not that tight. The other one?

Oh, the other one.

Let's go.

So what time are you due at the mall?

Shit.

Hi. Say hello every time we see each
other, Ewan.

Sometimes it helps to have a woman's
opinion in these matters.

Often the bride's.

So, what do you think?

She's completely wrong for you.

What, you think I could do better?

No, I think she could do better.

Much then?

In the sense that she's, what, 21 and
you're 70?

50?

Six.

I just think you'd be better off with
someone more mature.

Someone... More your age.

I think you're wrong.

You've heard my reputation.

And let me assure you, it's not
unmerited.

I'd exhaust someone my own age. I need
someone who can keep up with me.

Someone who I can put through her paces.
Someone who can handle what I pass.

You can stop now, Bob.

Anyway, did I ask for your opinion?

I think you did.

Well... Even if I did ask for it, it
doesn't mean I have to take it. No, you

don't. Well, I'm not going to. OK, then.

Glad you could make it.

Sorry I'm late.

Nearly had a heart attack.

No offence.

Just make sure you get them to the main
hall by 1 .30.

They've got badges in case you need to
identify them.

Hope you haven't been here long.

I mean here, not, you know.

Alive.

This way.

This is

the

main corridor.

And this is still the corridor.

I've had a good hard think about your
problem.

And I've come up with the perfect
solution.

What you need is an emotional crutch.
Someone who can satisfy your basic

needs and give your self -esteem a
boost.

And I think I know the perfect
candidate.

No way.

Well, don't make her beg.

What do you mean, no way?

Ben hates fake breasts.

I don't hate them. I would just never
choose to date a woman with fake

Why not?

What does it matter? You don't want to
sleep with me. I'm not interested in you

giving me a reason.

I'm not attracted to you and I find you
intolerably nautic.

The way I see it, fake breasts reflect
an underlying insecurity which is bound

to extend to sexual performance.

And women who are insecure in bed always
put on this big performance.

Oh, I'm coming.

What are we talking about?

Penny's just been blown out for the
second time in less than 24 hours.

If you must know, I've met someone else.

I'm going out with them this evening.

You're not talking about me, are you?

Because if you aren't, then I'm sorry,
but... I'm not talking about you. You

meet someone in the library, didn't you?

I knew it. I thought at the time you had
that annoying look on your face, and I

was right.

It's none of your business.

Oh, look, I've got to give that age
awareness talk.

I've got half an hour.

It'll take them that long to walk there.

Wow, how did they do that?

They were all wide awake less than a
minute ago.

Uh -huh. So he's a lorry driver.

The bin man?

The pad checker. He's not one of the
dinner ladies, is he?

I'm only telling you this because I feel
sorry for you.

He's a teacher.

A teacher?

No way.

Not here.

Me and you are the only decent men in
this place.

What's his name?

Anthony.

Who's Anthony?

What do you want? We were just wondering
where we could get a staff lift from.

You'd have to ask me.

Can we have a staff lift?

No. Why not?

Because I can't be bothered to give you
one.

And I don't like him.

Please, don't be a bitch.

I am a bitch.

She's a massive bitch.

Anyway, aren't you supposed to put one
up on the notice board? You know, in

anyone ever wants to know who the
teachers are.

Yes, I am.

Thank you.

It is easy to forget that old people are
human beings.

Even though some of you may find them
depressing or creepy, one day

some of us will even become old people.

And that's if we're lucky.

The four senior citizens you see up here
today, they were lucky.

They deserve a round of applause just
for getting here.

I'd like to introduce you first to
Charlie, who was alive, believe it or

during the Second World War.

And still is.

So, Charlie, what's it like being an old

person?

It's not that bad.

But it's much better being young, isn't
it?

Oh, some things are, some things aren't.

Like what? Give me an example.

Well, you can go to the cinema in the
morning.

Can you?

Yeah.

You can get free prescriptions.

Pay attention, this is interesting.

Ah, here we go.

Anthony Coutts.

I've never heard of him.

He teaches maths.

Well, that explains it.

Let's go.

Where's the master department?

How long have you worked here?

I have no idea.

That was extraordinary.

I mean, really, really brilliant.

You've completely opened my eyes.

What are you doing?

What's it look like?

Shit, you can't do that.

Why not?

Because it's totally illegal.

Who's going to stop me?

Fucking hell.

You want to try it?

Really? Are you kidding?

Seriously. Have a poke.

Wow. I feel empowered.

It's like just having it in my mouth
gives me this whole new authority.

Mr. Burkett.

Sorry.

Do you like the special scent of the
altars?

Should be the next

one.

This is my best ever day.

One cubic centimeter is written done.

One C and three.

Everybody got that?

So what are you up to this evening? Any
fun?

Not really.

I'll probably just go to bed.

Well, why don't you come down to the pub
with us?

Oh, no, thank you.

Yeah, you're right.

It's been a big day.

Well, listen, here's my number.

When you're feeling up for it, give us a
shout. We'll go for a beer.

Um, I'm not really a pub person.

Doesn't have to be a pub.

We could just stay in, play Scrabble,
backgammon, whatever.

Well, goodbye.

Well, why don't you give me your number
as well, just in case?

No.

Okay.

This is all your fault. If you hadn't
destroyed her self -confidence, she

wouldn't be throwing herself at the
first man to come along.

It's obviously the wrong answer.

Or maybe Anthony is his real name. Maybe
he's given her an alias.

Why would he do that?

Who knows?

He's probably just deeply ashamed.

See you tomorrow.

Are you coming down the pub?

I've got a date, remember?

Yeah, but you can bring him. Now, why
would I do that?

So we can see him and work out what's
wrong with him.

Exactly.

Good for you.

What is?

Just, you know, the fact that you've got
a date.

Well done.

God, I've got your blessing.

That's one little thing to keep me awake
at night. No, I just meant that I was

worried, you know, that last night was
going to become this huge issue and that

you really liked me and that I really
hurt you.

But actually, it's a relief to know you
were just making a pass because you do

that kind of thing.

Not that you're desperate.

I mean, far from it. It's just not very
choosy.

Ewan, thanks.

For what?

Well, every time you open your mouth, I
feel more and more grateful that nothing

happened last night.

I'm glad I could help.

Nice car.

It's a bit middle -aged. I know. The
kind of thing my parents would drive.

Yeah.

Oh, I don't believe it.

Not only does he exist, he's actually
quite attractive.

Oh, yeah.

He exists.

And he's quite attractive.

He's also 17.

He's a student here.

He can't be. Oh, he can.

I think you'll find he's even in my
teacher group.

Promise? I swear.

That's actually better than I thought it
was.

It's so much better.

Do you think she knows?

I'm guessing she has no idea.

Fucking teachers.

Tell me about it.

They were such infants.

They were talking about you. All of
them.

Damien, Ben, Bob.

There was a bald one, right? We've heard
about a Thai bride.

No.

He's getting a Thai bride.

You subscribe to one of those dodgy
websites where you can literally buy

I mean, how desperate do you have to be?
Pretty desperate.

Do you have gossip on all the stuff?

It depends.

Who do you want to blackmail?

Claire Shagwood.

Mrs Hunter.

So did Liz. Apparently he's got a huge
cock.

John's father of Carol's baby.

She's got a baby?

She may look innocuous, but behind those
squinty little eyes is a woman who

would shag anything.

And what about your mate, the fat one?

No one shags Lindsay, but we don't
really talk about that.

Really?

Really? Boo, how was your day with the
cast from Cocoon?

All right, thanks.

You've changed your tune. Being old is
nowhere near as bad as I thought.

Is that true, Bob?

Sort of. Turns out being old has loads
of advantages.

Like what?

You don't have to work. You don't have
to play team sports.

You don't have to worry what you look
like because sex was taken off the menu

years ago. You can go to the cinema in
the morning.

You can go to sleep in the afternoon.

You can have biscuits literally any time
of the day you want.

Well, thanks, but no thanks. I'm
sticking with youth.

What about colostomy bags?

Are you telling me that's something to
look forward to?

Well, fact is, the penis is a badly
designed piece of equipment.

And I'm looking forward to the day I can
just turn it off at the tap.

I'll tell you what I do like.

Ewan. Really?

Yeah, he's really sound.

He's just one of those blokes who's easy
to get on with, and he never takes

things too seriously, and the students
really respect him because he doesn't

treat them like idiots.

Yeah, we have to talk about him.

Don't you like him?

I just think he's a bit arrogant, that's
all.

And a bit, you know, self -centered. And
you think he's so fucking special,

whereas actually he's just a bit
childish.

And he's stupid.

OK.

What? It's just that's quite an extreme
reaction.

So? Well, sometimes that can be
indicative of... What?

You know. What? Well, maybe you fancy
him.

I don't think so.

All the girls in his class think he's
really sexy.

Yeah, exactly. The girl. He's attractive
in that Donny Osmond teenage pin -up

way that appeals to teenagers.

And grannies.

Like real women. I feel like him.

If anyone likes anyone, he likes me.

Right. The other day he tried to jump
me. No.

One minute he was driving me home, the
next he was trying to stick his tongue

my mouth.

That was on you.

Hardly. So what?

You said no.

I told him to fuck off and find someone
in his own IQ bracket.

Remind me to be careful.

I'm too careful.

I mean, it's incredible.

They just fall asleep at the drop of a
hat.

They could fall asleep.

Right here, right now, at this table, no
problem.

Imagine that.

Where have you been?

Found out who Penny's new boyfriend is.

Anthony Millington.

The only Anthony Millington I know is in
my year 12 English class.

You have got to be kidding. She's going
out with a schoolboy.

Isn't that bad?

It's about the worst thing you can do as
a teacher.

Apart from run around with a gun.

Apart from running around with a gun.

Bad in the sense that we shouldn't
really be laughing about it.

Well, that's exactly what we first
thought.

But then when we thought about it some
more, we suddenly found it hilarious.

What was she thinking? She could get
fired.

Well, I'm guessing she doesn't know.

Well, shouldn't we tell her? How would
that be fun?

It wouldn't. It would be boring.

Well, even if I don't tell her, you
should.

No way.

Supposing she finds out?

She'll be humiliated.

Supposing she finds out you knew all
along?

She'll be even more humiliated.
Supposing she moves out?

I'll get a new flatmate.

How? I don't know.

I'll place an advert in a local paper.

And what kind of people aren't for
adverts in local papers?

I'll tell her tonight.

That was fun.

It was.

Can I just say, before I do this, that
I'm quite a good kisser. Really?

I have big lips.

Yes, you do.

And I'm told that gives me the genetic
edge over my competitors.

I think you're stalling.

I haven't kissed like that since I was
16.

Me neither.

Do you want to come in?

I do. I really do.

But I can't. Oh, you're not married, are
you? No.

My mum's staying with me for a few weeks
and I'm scared she'll have trashed the

place in a row.

You don't mind, do you?

No, I haven't.

How did it go?

How did what go?

Oh, my date.

It was wonderful.

Can we have a quick chat?

You're not going to get all funny, are
you?

What? Now that I'm seeing someone,
you're not going to get all clingy and

white female with me.

No. Because I'm not going to be held
responsible for the fact that you don't

have a boyfriend.

You know what?

You're right.

I shouldn't be.

So how'd it go last night?

Fuck off. Did you get blown out again?

Fuck off.

It'll get easier, trust me.

Throw yourself at enough men and it's
bound to pay off eventually.

I didn't get blown out, actually.

Did you sleep with him?

I know it's hard for a little boy like
you to grasp anything, but real adults

can just spend a civilised evening
together and still call it success.

Maybe one day you'll be grown up enough
to understand that.

Oh, the irony.

So you didn't tell him?

I tried.

But you're so unbelievably smug, I
realised having a psycho for a roommate

only be an improvement.

Fucking bitch. You'll never guess what.

Did Mun Yee think you were too old? Can
you fucking believe it? Very much.

LoveTies .com is afraid to inform you
that your application for a bride has

unsuccessful.

I mean, what kind of business are they
fucking running?

A legitimate one by the sound of it.

Firstly, congratulations to Mr Burkett
on what was very nearly our most

successful aid awareness day to date.

On a less positive note, I received a
phone call from St Hilda's nursing home

this morning.

Unfortunately,

Lillian Matthews, one of our old people,
passed away peacefully in her sleep

last night.

Have a good night.

Yes, thanks.

Good news.

He was a better kisser than you, if
that's what you're asking.

Great.

You see, old people even get to die
better.

Can you die better?

You can die peacefully in your sleep,
whereas I'm going to die this hideous,

painful death from my neck lump.

With a bit of luck.

We have to tell Penny.

Can't we just wait till she's had sex
with him? Please.

I don't know.

I've got a feeling that having sex with
a student could be a criminal offence.

Oh, it definitely is.

Really? Yeah, of course.

Even if he's over 16?

It doesn't matter how old he is. He's a
student.

What if it's during the school holidays?

Makes no difference.

What if she doesn't know he's a pupil?

Well, some people might take the line
that she should have checked first.

Seeing as you know, she is a teacher.

And this is a school.

And most young men are schoolboys.

Liz?

Did you know that having sex with a
student was a criminal offence?

What's having sex with a student? No
one.

I'm just talking hypothetically.

What, did you know that just knowing
about a teacher having sex with a

and doing nothing about it is also a
criminal offence?

Yeah, of course.

Everyone knows that.

Just checking.

Criminal record.

Fuck.

I don't give a shit.

Everyone's got a criminal record these
days.

As long as you're fine with the fact
that, you know, you'll never be able to

to America.

Not even on holiday?

Not even to Disneyland.

We could go to Eurodisney.

It's not the same.

We should definitely tell her.
Definitely.

Let's do it. Okay, what are you going to
say?

Me? Why do I have to tell her? I'm not
the one going to prison.

I'm not going to prison.

You've got a previous, remember?

Since when?

Since you failed to pay the TV licence.

Does that count?

Oh, yeah.

First degree failure to pay TV licence.

What kind of prison?

One with lots of bumming.

I've decided to do it.

Why?

Because I'm not going to be anybody's
bitch.

What are you going to say?

I should probably work something out.

Or you could just rely on your own
natural tact.

I'll tell her.

Brilliant. It's kind of my fault anyway.

If I'd have upset her and told everyone,
she might not have thrown herself at

it. I don't know.

She's always been a slapper.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

What are you doing?

Well, Grint was being, you know, fucking
rude. Ask him.

Yeah, I deserved it.

Grint, get out. I'd like a word with Mr
Millington.

Can I have my shoes back?

Yeah, sure.

What the fuck was that? about? Don't
blow this out of proportion.

You were beating up a child. How can I
possibly blow that out of proportion?

This is not as bad as it looks. Well, it
could hardly look any worse.

I'm not a teacher.

What did you say?

I'm not a teacher.

Well, what are you? Well, I'm, you know,
a student.

Where? Here.

I'm doing my A -level.

No, you're not.

Seriously. You can't be. Why not?

You're too old for a start.

I'm 18.

You can't be.

Seriously. You cannot be.

Because if you are, then I'm fucked.

Fuck. You are, aren't you? I've got a
locker and everything.

This is my PE kit.

Excellent. Fucking excellent.

Shit. Sorry.

This is so bad.

Sorry. Why didn't you tell me? I was
going to tell you, but it was going so

well. And every time I thought about it,
you started smiling.

And I thought, she's gorgeous.

Why spoil it?

Do you have any idea how this would
look?

For me or you?

Well, how would it look for you?

Honestly? Yes.

Pretty good.

I mean, you're a teacher.

And a fit one, too. I'd come out with a
lot of credibility.

I could get fired.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Well, at least I didn't shag you.

Thanks.

No, I'm being serious. It could have
been a lot worse.

Yes, it could.

The fact is, as far as anyone knows,
nothing happened.

I'm not going to tell anyone about the
kiss.

Are you?

No.

Probably not.

So, let's put an end to it now.

Walk away.

We don't have to talk to each other ever
again.

Not unless you mature next year.

Stop smiling. This is not funny.

I can't help it. This is not funny.

It's your smiling.

No, I'm not. Get out.

But guess what those fuckers have done
and done now?

They've only offered me an alternative
fucking bride. Have they?

Bastards. It's a fucking disgrace.

Go on, show me.

Ping. Nice name.

She's fucking middle -aged. Yeah, but so
are you.

The whole point of a Thai bride is
finding one who's young and virginal.

Otherwise, I might as well just... Meet
someone your own age? Exactly.

Look, I think you're missing a trick.

There are some advantages to having an
older wife.

Huh? An older wife is less likely to
cheat on you.

Yeah, especially.

An older wife is going to almost
certainly have had kids already, and

grown up and left home.

That's true.

But most of all, I shall have more
experience.

What kind of experience?

I think we both know what I'm talking
about.

Have

you got any

help? Not really.

It's important.

Yeah, when I'm busy.

It's about Anthony.

What about him?

It's... It's quite delicate.

Well, I'm sure you'll deliver it with
your usual subtlety.

He's a student.

So?

No, no, what I mean is he's a student.

Here.

Look, he's in my class.

Well, at least that explains why you
kept on going on about what a thicky his

English teacher was.

Of course I knew.

You said he was a teacher.

I'm hardly going to go around telling
everyone I'm seeing an 18 -year -old

pupil. 17.

Whatever.

What? How serious?

Why are you so concerned, anyway?

Well, do you get hurt, that's all. Oh, I
think.

What? Nothing.

What do you think?

It's a matter.

Oh, tell me.

I've just worked out why you're so
upset, hopefully.

I'm not upset.

Ewan, I know you're not used to getting
knocked back, but you had your chance

the other night, and I'm afraid you blew
it. I've moved on.

You're just going to have to live with
it.

What? Sorry.

You know what I've realised?

I've realised I'm an old man trapped in
a young man's body.

Are you sure you're not an old woman
trapped in a young man's body?

I'm being serious.

As far as I can see...

Old age is the perfect institution for
me.

It has all the advantages I want from
life and none of the hassles.

Get thee to a nunnery.

What's going on here?

Anthony?

He's dumping her.

And why do you think he's dumping her?

She's so... high maintenance.

High maintenance?

In what sense?

She's so young and needy. And she never
shuts up.

Compared to, say, Gertrude, she's so
unsophisticated.

And what's Gertrude got to do with it?

She's like this proper woman.

She's mature.

She's sexy.

Whereas Ophelia's just a teenager. At
least she's nearly Hamlet's age.

So? She's still annoying.

Well, she may well be annoying, but the
fact is he'd be better off going out

with someone like her, who's from the
same generation.

And if he went out with Gertrude, she'd
devour him.

She'd eat him alive.

He wouldn't last five minutes with
Gertrude.

Isn't she his mum?

What if he's not in? He's old.

Of course he'll be in.

What shall I say?

Just ask him if he wants to hang out.

Oh, hello.

I'm looking for Charlie.

The old guy?

Well, you know, about 80.

Do you know anyone that age?

She hung up.

Sorry, mate.

He gave me the wrong number.

It appears so.

What a bastard.

What an old fucking bastard.

I can't believe it.

Hello,

Miss Schnevel.

In private?

Yeah. Is everything OK?

We were just going to have a chat.

About what?

About something private.

Can I help?

Not really.

I teach him and you don't, so you should
probably talk to me if it's anything

personal.

Do you have a problem with me speaking
to one of your students, Ewan? No, not

all.

Just as long as it doesn't interfere
with his schoolwork.

On the contrary, I'm going to help
further his education.

Now, before I leave, I have an
announcement to make.

Are you retiring, Bob?

Far from it. I've, in fact, just been
given a new lease of life.

Have you had a heart transplant?

In a manner of speaking, I am now
officially engaged.

Congratulations. What's her name?

Ping, and I helped choose her.

She'll be fine now, as soon as the
embassy can sort out her paperwork.

And the good news is, she's nearly as
old as he is.

Actually, she's 48.

Lucky her.

What's wrong with him? He's been dumped
by the old people.

It's like I've seen the promised land.

And it's been snatched from my graph.
You mented fucker.

It makes no sense.

I've got this real connection with
Charlie. I don't understand what I did

You didn't do anything wrong.

I didn't? No.

You just didn't feel sorry for him. And
old people hate being around people who

don't feel sorry for them.

Because then they can't be miserable.

I suppose.

Anyway, look on the bright side. One day
you'll be old and decrepit enough to

join your very own old people's home.

I should be saying that.

Lump will probably kill him way before
that.

You've got a lump?

On my neck.

Can I have a look? I'm a qualified
biology teacher.

Ben.

Yes? Feel my neck.

The lymph glands.

Everyone has them and they're on both
sides of your neck.

So I'm not dying? Not yet.

I haven't got one on this side.

I've only got one lump on one side. What
does that mean? Hurry up and die,

please.

What are you doing bringing him in here?

That's a fucking disgrace.

I can't believe people in here have
become one of those underage drinking

That'll just spoil the atmosphere.

Plus, you being a teacher, you probably
feel a certain degree of responsibility

towards their welfare.

That too? And I don't want to be an
accessory in an underage drinking rap.

They'd put you in a bum camp for life
for that.

Just ignore them.

Two pints, please.

Got any ID?

Not on me, no.

He's 25.

He doesn't look it.

Well, how old does he look?

Honestly?

17.

Oh, well.

That's a shame.

Yeah. Where do kids go nowadays?

He's probably taking it with Burger
King.

No, I don't think so.

Burger King don't do happy meals.

Oh, yeah, nearly forgot.

Check out what one of the old people
left.

Oh, wow.

Let me have a look.