Original subtitles

You all want a drink?

Go on, someone.

Ewan? Sorry, I'm just heading off.

Bollocks. You can still get one on your own, you know. I only want a glass of

water. So?

I can't ask the barman for just one glass of water.

Why not?

Men can't buy around in a pub that doesn't include at least one alcoholic

It's just one of those gender -specific cultural rules. You know, like...

Men aren't allowed to be first on the dance floor, and women aren't supposed

make the first move.

Excuse me?

What? That's true, isn't it? Women generally wait for the man to take the

initiative.

It's like a way of establishing his credentials as a prospective mate.

It is true.

A woman's never made a pass at me.

Now, there's a surprise.

And what about you, Ewan? Has a woman ever made a pass at you?

I'm not sure.

Probably. I would have thought so.

You'd know if she had.

I don't know.

I'm never entirely sure.

Usually it just sort of happens.

You know, I'm with someone, we're getting on, and next thing you know,

bed.

The point is, what would you do if someone did make a path for you?

Depends who.

Well, someone really attractive?

Someone you really liked?

I wouldn't mind.

Wouldn't you?

No. Probably quite like it.

Here. Can I get a lift?

Yeah, sure.

Here we are.

Goodnight.

Oh, shit.

What's wrong?

I, you know, don't want to.

Oh.

Sorry.

Why didn't you say something?

Well, um, I wasn't totally sure, so I wanted to give you the benefit of the

doubt, see if I liked it, but I didn't.

But next time, I'll knock you back straight away, I promise. Thanks.

Night!

You're right, then. Don't... I have a lump on my neck the size of a huge

How many times do I have to tell you?

Never, ever ask Ben a question.

What kind of lump?

I have no idea.

It's probably just neck cancer.

Can you get neck cancer?

Of course not.

You probably got a virus.

What kind of virus?

A fatal one.

Hey, look.

Hello, though. I want to offer them a lift.

What the fuck are you doing? I don't want to offer them a lift.

We're not actually going to give them one. We're just going to offer it, then

race off.

There's no point.

So? That's weird.

You usually offer us a lift, then fuck off.

Something's going on.

Look at you. You look all shifty. No.

Stop the car. I'm getting out.

I can't drive with a man I no longer trust.

Nothing happened.

Nothing happened. He used the word happened. Why?

Did something happen?

You have to promise not to say that.

I promise.

Penny, I just heard what happened.

And can I just say I'm sorry? But if it's any consolation, you're not the

That's what women are always throwing themselves at you after. Grow up.

Now look what you've done.

What was that all about?

Last night I made a pass at you and he said no.

End of story.

In hell.

That's no big deal.

No, sure.

Although, it's a bit of a deal, isn't it?

I mean, you must feel a bit ridiculous.

No, but then I'm an adult.

Oh, go on, just for me. I feel like twat. I won't tell anyone.

Hurtle down.

I just wanted to inform you that as part of our commitment to promoting age

awareness, we've invited a small group of senior citizens to spend the day with

us and give a talk to our sixth form general studies group.

I need someone to chaperone them, take them to lunch, make sure they're still

alive at the end of the day. Any volunteers?

Ideally someone who can relate well to the elderly, Bob.

Well, don't look at me.

No fucking way am I hanging out with a bunch of fucking geriatrics.

Anyone else?

How? Mr. Burkett.

Yes?

Twelve o 'clock, outside my office. And try not to wear anything too cheerful.

One final thing. Miss Neville and Miss Pierce, Mrs. Frobisher has asked me to

remind you that you're down for library induction this morning.

Please try and be prompt.

Can't believe you did that.

Thought you'd want to hang out with the old people.

You know I hate being around old people.

Even more than I hate being around children.

They're not that bad.

They're not bad. They just make me feel so vulnerable.

All I have to do is look at them and all I can think about is how they're nearly

dead and how one day I'll be nearly dead too.

I just thought it might do you good to spend some time around people who were

actually dying.

Shit, that reminds me.

How's the lamp?

It's still there.

Could be worse.

He could be a sad, desperate middle -aged man trying to buy sex over the

internet.

Where have you all just sat?

Kind of a bit desperate.

Ah, have you chose one yet, Bob?

No, but I've narrowed it down to a short list.

That one's got a wide face.

So?

Well, seeing as you've got a wide face, you might want to avoid a wife with a

wide face. Otherwise you'd be one of these... Wide -faced couple.

Oh, yeah, thanks.

That one's much nicer.

Really?

Why do I need an induction?

The library has my books. I'm not going to take one out.

Well, you better know.

You might want to read one. I doubt it.

Miss Neville?

Me. If you'd like to come this way. Can't we both do it together?

No. Why not?

I'm a qualified librarian.

Do I try to tell you how to teach?

No. But it wouldn't be a bad idea if you did.

You'd all the help I can get.

You go first.

You're not supposed to actually read them. They're there for effect.

Wow.

What?

No, I just... You're lovely.

OK, then.

Sorry.

Shit.

I'm just shocked. It's not often we get attractive teachers here.

Never, in fact.

You are a teacher, aren't you?

Yes, I am.

I'd better get back to my class.

I'm sorry again for telling you I thought you were lovely.

But you are.

Do you usually hang around in libraries telling women that they're lovely?

Oh, this is the first time.

Do you want to go for a drink tonight?

With you?

Ideally.

All right, then.

What are you grinning so smugly about?

Nothing. Oh, you've got that look. What look? That I -think -I -am -it look you

get whenever you think someone's fancy, do you? I don't know what you're talking

about. You can't have pulled.

You don't meet men in libraries. You meet freaks, if you say so.

Sorry, I thought you were one of my year 9 retards.

Nope, I'm not.

Do you want to get a copy from the staff room?

I can't.

I was just passing and I thought I'd say hello.

So I did.

Thanks. Well, bye then.

My name's Anthony, by the way.

That's all.

And you're Penny, right?

I know.

So, what was it like?

Based on the first ten seconds, it was okay.

If it was okay, then why did you pull out?

Did she kiss like a horse?

She's a good kisser. I just didn't fancy her.

Of course you didn't.

She made her first move.

So?

So she contravened sexual etiquette, which means she's pushy. And men don't

pushiness an attractive quality in women, especially when it comes to sex.

Ah, Lindsay, there you are.

Can I have a word?

Actually, I'm really busy.

I just want your advice on, you know, my high.

It's revolting.

Yeah, not that tight. The other one?

Oh, the other one.

Let's go.

So what time are you due at the mall?

Shit.

Hi. Say hello every time we see each other, Ewan.

Sometimes it helps to have a woman's opinion in these matters.

Often the bride's.

So, what do you think?

She's completely wrong for you.

What, you think I could do better?

No, I think she could do better.

Much then?

In the sense that she's, what, 21 and you're 70?

50?

Six.

I just think you'd be better off with someone more mature.

Someone... More your age.

I think you're wrong.

You've heard my reputation.

And let me assure you, it's not unmerited.

I'd exhaust someone my own age. I need someone who can keep up with me.

Someone who I can put through her paces. Someone who can handle what I pass.

You can stop now, Bob.

Anyway, did I ask for your opinion?

I think you did.

Well... Even if I did ask for it, it doesn't mean I have to take it. No, you

don't. Well, I'm not going to. OK, then.

Glad you could make it.

Sorry I'm late.

Nearly had a heart attack.

No offence.

Just make sure you get them to the main hall by 1 .30.

They've got badges in case you need to identify them.

Hope you haven't been here long.

I mean here, not, you know.

Alive.

This way.

This is

the

main corridor.

And this is still the corridor.

I've had a good hard think about your problem.

And I've come up with the perfect solution.

What you need is an emotional crutch. Someone who can satisfy your basic

needs and give your self -esteem a boost.

And I think I know the perfect candidate.

No way.

Well, don't make her beg.

What do you mean, no way?

Ben hates fake breasts.

I don't hate them. I would just never choose to date a woman with fake

Why not?

What does it matter? You don't want to sleep with me. I'm not interested in you

giving me a reason.

I'm not attracted to you and I find you intolerably nautic.

The way I see it, fake breasts reflect an underlying insecurity which is bound

to extend to sexual performance.

And women who are insecure in bed always put on this big performance.

Oh, I'm coming.

What are we talking about?

Penny's just been blown out for the second time in less than 24 hours.

If you must know, I've met someone else.

I'm going out with them this evening.

You're not talking about me, are you?

Because if you aren't, then I'm sorry, but... I'm not talking about you. You

meet someone in the library, didn't you?

I knew it. I thought at the time you had that annoying look on your face, and I

was right.

It's none of your business.

Oh, look, I've got to give that age awareness talk.

I've got half an hour.

It'll take them that long to walk there.

Wow, how did they do that?

They were all wide awake less than a minute ago.

Uh -huh. So he's a lorry driver.

The bin man?

The pad checker. He's not one of the dinner ladies, is he?

I'm only telling you this because I feel sorry for you.

He's a teacher.

A teacher?

No way.

Not here.

Me and you are the only decent men in this place.

What's his name?

Anthony.

Who's Anthony?

What do you want? We were just wondering where we could get a staff lift from.

You'd have to ask me.

Can we have a staff lift?

No. Why not?

Because I can't be bothered to give you one.

And I don't like him.

Please, don't be a bitch.

I am a bitch.

She's a massive bitch.

Anyway, aren't you supposed to put one up on the notice board? You know, in

anyone ever wants to know who the teachers are.

Yes, I am.

Thank you.

It is easy to forget that old people are human beings.

Even though some of you may find them depressing or creepy, one day

some of us will even become old people.

And that's if we're lucky.

The four senior citizens you see up here today, they were lucky.

They deserve a round of applause just for getting here.

I'd like to introduce you first to Charlie, who was alive, believe it or

during the Second World War.

And still is.

So, Charlie, what's it like being an old

person?

It's not that bad.

But it's much better being young, isn't it?

Oh, some things are, some things aren't.

Like what? Give me an example.

Well, you can go to the cinema in the morning.

Can you?

Yeah.

You can get free prescriptions.

Pay attention, this is interesting.

Ah, here we go.

Anthony Coutts.

I've never heard of him.

He teaches maths.

Well, that explains it.

Let's go.

Where's the master department?

How long have you worked here?

I have no idea.

That was extraordinary.

I mean, really, really brilliant.

You've completely opened my eyes.

What are you doing?

What's it look like?

Shit, you can't do that.

Why not?

Because it's totally illegal.

Who's going to stop me?

Fucking hell.

You want to try it?

Really? Are you kidding?

Seriously. Have a poke.

Wow. I feel empowered.

It's like just having it in my mouth gives me this whole new authority.

Mr. Burkett.

Sorry.

Do you like the special scent of the altars?

Should be the next

one.

This is my best ever day.

One cubic centimeter is written done.

One C and three.

Everybody got that?

So what are you up to this evening? Any fun?

Not really.

I'll probably just go to bed.

Well, why don't you come down to the pub with us?

Oh, no, thank you.

Yeah, you're right.

It's been a big day.

Well, listen, here's my number.

When you're feeling up for it, give us a shout. We'll go for a beer.

Um, I'm not really a pub person.

Doesn't have to be a pub.

We could just stay in, play Scrabble, backgammon, whatever.

Well, goodbye.

Well, why don't you give me your number as well, just in case?

No.

Okay.

This is all your fault. If you hadn't destroyed her self -confidence, she

wouldn't be throwing herself at the first man to come along.

It's obviously the wrong answer.

Or maybe Anthony is his real name. Maybe he's given her an alias.

Why would he do that?

Who knows?

He's probably just deeply ashamed.

See you tomorrow.

Are you coming down the pub?

I've got a date, remember?

Yeah, but you can bring him. Now, why would I do that?

So we can see him and work out what's wrong with him.

Exactly.

Good for you.

What is?

Just, you know, the fact that you've got a date.

Well done.

God, I've got your blessing.

That's one little thing to keep me awake at night. No, I just meant that I was

worried, you know, that last night was going to become this huge issue and that

you really liked me and that I really hurt you.

But actually, it's a relief to know you were just making a pass because you do

that kind of thing.

Not that you're desperate.

I mean, far from it. It's just not very choosy.

Ewan, thanks.

For what?

Well, every time you open your mouth, I feel more and more grateful that nothing

happened last night.

I'm glad I could help.

Nice car.

It's a bit middle -aged. I know. The kind of thing my parents would drive.

Yeah.

Oh, I don't believe it.

Not only does he exist, he's actually quite attractive.

Oh, yeah.

He exists.

And he's quite attractive.

He's also 17.

He's a student here.

He can't be. Oh, he can.

I think you'll find he's even in my teacher group.

Promise? I swear.

That's actually better than I thought it was.

It's so much better.

Do you think she knows?

I'm guessing she has no idea.

Fucking teachers.

Tell me about it.

They were such infants.

They were talking about you. All of them.

Damien, Ben, Bob.

There was a bald one, right? We've heard about a Thai bride.

No.

He's getting a Thai bride.

You subscribe to one of those dodgy websites where you can literally buy

I mean, how desperate do you have to be? Pretty desperate.

Do you have gossip on all the stuff?

It depends.

Who do you want to blackmail?

Claire Shagwood.

Mrs Hunter.

So did Liz. Apparently he's got a huge cock.

John's father of Carol's baby.

She's got a baby?

She may look innocuous, but behind those squinty little eyes is a woman who

would shag anything.

And what about your mate, the fat one?

No one shags Lindsay, but we don't really talk about that.

Really?

Really? Boo, how was your day with the cast from Cocoon?

All right, thanks.

You've changed your tune. Being old is nowhere near as bad as I thought.

Is that true, Bob?

Sort of. Turns out being old has loads of advantages.

Like what?

You don't have to work. You don't have to play team sports.

You don't have to worry what you look like because sex was taken off the menu

years ago. You can go to the cinema in the morning.

You can go to sleep in the afternoon.

You can have biscuits literally any time of the day you want.

Well, thanks, but no thanks. I'm sticking with youth.

What about colostomy bags?

Are you telling me that's something to look forward to?

Well, fact is, the penis is a badly designed piece of equipment.

And I'm looking forward to the day I can just turn it off at the tap.

I'll tell you what I do like.

Ewan. Really?

Yeah, he's really sound.

He's just one of those blokes who's easy to get on with, and he never takes

things too seriously, and the students really respect him because he doesn't

treat them like idiots.

Yeah, we have to talk about him.

Don't you like him?

I just think he's a bit arrogant, that's all.

And a bit, you know, self -centered. And you think he's so fucking special,

whereas actually he's just a bit childish.

And he's stupid.

OK.

What? It's just that's quite an extreme reaction.

So? Well, sometimes that can be indicative of... What?

You know. What? Well, maybe you fancy him.

I don't think so.

All the girls in his class think he's really sexy.

Yeah, exactly. The girl. He's attractive in that Donny Osmond teenage pin -up

way that appeals to teenagers.

And grannies.

Like real women. I feel like him.

If anyone likes anyone, he likes me.

Right. The other day he tried to jump me. No.

One minute he was driving me home, the next he was trying to stick his tongue

my mouth.

That was on you.

Hardly. So what?

You said no.

I told him to fuck off and find someone in his own IQ bracket.

Remind me to be careful.

I'm too careful.

I mean, it's incredible.

They just fall asleep at the drop of a hat.

They could fall asleep.

Right here, right now, at this table, no problem.

Imagine that.

Where have you been?

Found out who Penny's new boyfriend is.

Anthony Millington.

The only Anthony Millington I know is in my year 12 English class.

You have got to be kidding. She's going out with a schoolboy.

Isn't that bad?

It's about the worst thing you can do as a teacher.

Apart from run around with a gun.

Apart from running around with a gun.

Bad in the sense that we shouldn't really be laughing about it.

Well, that's exactly what we first thought.

But then when we thought about it some more, we suddenly found it hilarious.

What was she thinking? She could get fired.

Well, I'm guessing she doesn't know.

Well, shouldn't we tell her? How would that be fun?

It wouldn't. It would be boring.

Well, even if I don't tell her, you should.

No way.

Supposing she finds out?

She'll be humiliated.

Supposing she finds out you knew all along?

She'll be even more humiliated. Supposing she moves out?

I'll get a new flatmate.

How? I don't know.

I'll place an advert in a local paper.

And what kind of people aren't for adverts in local papers?

I'll tell her tonight.

That was fun.

It was.

Can I just say, before I do this, that I'm quite a good kisser. Really?

I have big lips.

Yes, you do.

And I'm told that gives me the genetic edge over my competitors.

I think you're stalling.

I haven't kissed like that since I was 16.

Me neither.

Do you want to come in?

I do. I really do.

But I can't. Oh, you're not married, are you? No.

My mum's staying with me for a few weeks and I'm scared she'll have trashed the

place in a row.

You don't mind, do you?

No, I haven't.

How did it go?

How did what go?

Oh, my date.

It was wonderful.

Can we have a quick chat?

You're not going to get all funny, are you?

What? Now that I'm seeing someone, you're not going to get all clingy and

white female with me.

No. Because I'm not going to be held responsible for the fact that you don't

have a boyfriend.

You know what?

You're right.

I shouldn't be.

So how'd it go last night?

Fuck off. Did you get blown out again?

Fuck off.

It'll get easier, trust me.

Throw yourself at enough men and it's bound to pay off eventually.

I didn't get blown out, actually.

Did you sleep with him?

I know it's hard for a little boy like you to grasp anything, but real adults

can just spend a civilised evening together and still call it success.

Maybe one day you'll be grown up enough to understand that.

Oh, the irony.

So you didn't tell him?

I tried.

But you're so unbelievably smug, I realised having a psycho for a roommate

only be an improvement.

Fucking bitch. You'll never guess what.

Did Mun Yee think you were too old? Can you fucking believe it? Very much.

LoveTies .com is afraid to inform you that your application for a bride has

unsuccessful.

I mean, what kind of business are they fucking running?

A legitimate one by the sound of it.

Firstly, congratulations to Mr Burkett on what was very nearly our most

successful aid awareness day to date.

On a less positive note, I received a phone call from St Hilda's nursing home

this morning.

Unfortunately,

Lillian Matthews, one of our old people, passed away peacefully in her sleep

last night.

Have a good night.

Yes, thanks.

Good news.

He was a better kisser than you, if that's what you're asking.

Great.

You see, old people even get to die better.

Can you die better?

You can die peacefully in your sleep, whereas I'm going to die this hideous,

painful death from my neck lump.

With a bit of luck.

We have to tell Penny.

Can't we just wait till she's had sex with him? Please.

I don't know.

I've got a feeling that having sex with a student could be a criminal offence.

Oh, it definitely is.

Really? Yeah, of course.

Even if he's over 16?

It doesn't matter how old he is. He's a student.

What if it's during the school holidays?

Makes no difference.

What if she doesn't know he's a pupil?

Well, some people might take the line that she should have checked first.

Seeing as you know, she is a teacher.

And this is a school.

And most young men are schoolboys.

Liz?

Did you know that having sex with a student was a criminal offence?

What's having sex with a student? No one.

I'm just talking hypothetically.

What, did you know that just knowing about a teacher having sex with a

and doing nothing about it is also a criminal offence?

Yeah, of course.

Everyone knows that.

Just checking.

Criminal record.

Fuck.

I don't give a shit.

Everyone's got a criminal record these days.

As long as you're fine with the fact that, you know, you'll never be able to

to America.

Not even on holiday?

Not even to Disneyland.

We could go to Eurodisney.

It's not the same.

We should definitely tell her. Definitely.

Let's do it. Okay, what are you going to say?

Me? Why do I have to tell her? I'm not the one going to prison.

I'm not going to prison.

You've got a previous, remember?

Since when?

Since you failed to pay the TV licence.

Does that count?

Oh, yeah.

First degree failure to pay TV licence.

What kind of prison?

One with lots of bumming.

I've decided to do it.

Why?

Because I'm not going to be anybody's bitch.

What are you going to say?

I should probably work something out.

Or you could just rely on your own natural tact.

I'll tell her.

Brilliant. It's kind of my fault anyway.

If I'd have upset her and told everyone, she might not have thrown herself at

it. I don't know.

She's always been a slapper.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

What are you doing?

Well, Grint was being, you know, fucking rude. Ask him.

Yeah, I deserved it.

Grint, get out. I'd like a word with Mr Millington.

Can I have my shoes back?

Yeah, sure.

What the fuck was that? about? Don't blow this out of proportion.

You were beating up a child. How can I possibly blow that out of proportion?

This is not as bad as it looks. Well, it could hardly look any worse.

I'm not a teacher.

What did you say?

I'm not a teacher.

Well, what are you? Well, I'm, you know, a student.

Where? Here.

I'm doing my A -level.

No, you're not.

Seriously. You can't be. Why not?

You're too old for a start.

I'm 18.

You can't be.

Seriously. You cannot be.

Because if you are, then I'm fucked.

Fuck. You are, aren't you? I've got a locker and everything.

This is my PE kit.

Excellent. Fucking excellent.

Shit. Sorry.

This is so bad.

Sorry. Why didn't you tell me? I was going to tell you, but it was going so

well. And every time I thought about it, you started smiling.

And I thought, she's gorgeous.

Why spoil it?

Do you have any idea how this would look?

For me or you?

Well, how would it look for you?

Honestly? Yes.

Pretty good.

I mean, you're a teacher.

And a fit one, too. I'd come out with a lot of credibility.

I could get fired.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Well, at least I didn't shag you.

Thanks.

No, I'm being serious. It could have been a lot worse.

Yes, it could.

The fact is, as far as anyone knows, nothing happened.

I'm not going to tell anyone about the kiss.

Are you?

No.

Probably not.

So, let's put an end to it now.

Walk away.

We don't have to talk to each other ever again.

Not unless you mature next year.

Stop smiling. This is not funny.

I can't help it. This is not funny.

It's your smiling.

No, I'm not. Get out.

But guess what those fuckers have done and done now?

They've only offered me an alternative fucking bride. Have they?

Bastards. It's a fucking disgrace.

Go on, show me.

Ping. Nice name.

She's fucking middle -aged. Yeah, but so are you.

The whole point of a Thai bride is finding one who's young and virginal.

Otherwise, I might as well just... Meet someone your own age? Exactly.

Look, I think you're missing a trick.

There are some advantages to having an older wife.

Huh? An older wife is less likely to cheat on you.

Yeah, especially.

An older wife is going to almost certainly have had kids already, and

grown up and left home.

That's true.

But most of all, I shall have more experience.

What kind of experience?

I think we both know what I'm talking about.

Have

you got any

help? Not really.

It's important.

Yeah, when I'm busy.

It's about Anthony.

What about him?

It's... It's quite delicate.

Well, I'm sure you'll deliver it with your usual subtlety.

He's a student.

So?

No, no, what I mean is he's a student.

Here.

Look, he's in my class.

Well, at least that explains why you kept on going on about what a thicky his

English teacher was.

Of course I knew.

You said he was a teacher.

I'm hardly going to go around telling everyone I'm seeing an 18 -year -old

pupil. 17.

Whatever.

What? How serious?

Why are you so concerned, anyway?

Well, do you get hurt, that's all. Oh, I think.

What? Nothing.

What do you think?

It's a matter.

Oh, tell me.

I've just worked out why you're so upset, hopefully.

I'm not upset.

Ewan, I know you're not used to getting knocked back, but you had your chance

the other night, and I'm afraid you blew it. I've moved on.

You're just going to have to live with it.

What? Sorry.

You know what I've realised?

I've realised I'm an old man trapped in a young man's body.

Are you sure you're not an old woman trapped in a young man's body?

I'm being serious.

As far as I can see...

Old age is the perfect institution for me.

It has all the advantages I want from life and none of the hassles.

Get thee to a nunnery.

What's going on here?

Anthony?

He's dumping her.

And why do you think he's dumping her?

She's so... high maintenance.

High maintenance?

In what sense?

She's so young and needy. And she never shuts up.

Compared to, say, Gertrude, she's so unsophisticated.

And what's Gertrude got to do with it?

She's like this proper woman.

She's mature.

She's sexy.

Whereas Ophelia's just a teenager. At least she's nearly Hamlet's age.

So? She's still annoying.

Well, she may well be annoying, but the fact is he'd be better off going out

with someone like her, who's from the same generation.

And if he went out with Gertrude, she'd devour him.

She'd eat him alive.

He wouldn't last five minutes with Gertrude.

Isn't she his mum?

What if he's not in? He's old.

Of course he'll be in.

What shall I say?

Just ask him if he wants to hang out.

Oh, hello.

I'm looking for Charlie.

The old guy?

Well, you know, about 80.

Do you know anyone that age?

She hung up.

Sorry, mate.

He gave me the wrong number.

It appears so.

What a bastard.

What an old fucking bastard.

I can't believe it.

Hello,

Miss Schnevel.

In private?

Yeah. Is everything OK?

We were just going to have a chat.

About what?

About something private.

Can I help?

Not really.

I teach him and you don't, so you should probably talk to me if it's anything

personal.

Do you have a problem with me speaking to one of your students, Ewan? No, not

all.

Just as long as it doesn't interfere with his schoolwork.

On the contrary, I'm going to help further his education.

Now, before I leave, I have an announcement to make.

Are you retiring, Bob?

Far from it. I've, in fact, just been given a new lease of life.

Have you had a heart transplant?

In a manner of speaking, I am now officially engaged.

Congratulations. What's her name?

Ping, and I helped choose her.

She'll be fine now, as soon as the embassy can sort out her paperwork.

And the good news is, she's nearly as old as he is.

Actually, she's 48.

Lucky her.

What's wrong with him? He's been dumped by the old people.

It's like I've seen the promised land.

And it's been snatched from my graph. You mented fucker.

It makes no sense.

I've got this real connection with Charlie. I don't understand what I did

You didn't do anything wrong.

I didn't? No.

You just didn't feel sorry for him. And old people hate being around people who

don't feel sorry for them.

Because then they can't be miserable.

I suppose.

Anyway, look on the bright side. One day you'll be old and decrepit enough to

join your very own old people's home.

I should be saying that.

Lump will probably kill him way before that.

You've got a lump?

On my neck.

Can I have a look? I'm a qualified biology teacher.

Ben.

Yes? Feel my neck.

The lymph glands.

Everyone has them and they're on both sides of your neck.

So I'm not dying? Not yet.

I haven't got one on this side.

I've only got one lump on one side. What does that mean? Hurry up and die,

please.

What are you doing bringing him in here?

That's a fucking disgrace.

I can't believe people in here have become one of those underage drinking

That'll just spoil the atmosphere.

Plus, you being a teacher, you probably feel a certain degree of responsibility

towards their welfare.

That too? And I don't want to be an accessory in an underage drinking rap.

They'd put you in a bum camp for life for that.

Just ignore them.

Two pints, please.

Got any ID?

Not on me, no.

He's 25.

He doesn't look it.

Well, how old does he look?

Honestly?

17.

Oh, well.

That's a shame.

Yeah. Where do kids go nowadays?

He's probably taking it with Burger King.

No, I don't think so.

Burger King don't do happy meals.

Oh, yeah, nearly forgot.

Check out what one of the old people left.

Oh, wow.

Let me have a look.