Original subtitles

Have you lost weight?

No. Are you wearing contact lenses?

No.

Well, I give in.

Definitely something different.

I'll tell you what's different.

I'm different.

You are looking at the new, improved Bob.

Is that what I'm looking at? You know what I thought when they shut down the

school? No, I thought, here's a chance to make a fresh start.

And do you know what I thought when I didn't get head of English at the new

school? What?

What? No, no. Okay, there's not enough kids to justify two schools in the same

catchment area.

One school means one head of English.

And if that's not me, well, that's cool.

Cool? Yeah, it's time for someone else to be the man.

I can chill now.

Since when? Since I became the new Bob. And I think you'll love the new Bob,

because he's a laugh, he's laid back, and he likes to hang with the guys.

Doesn't new Bob ever get a rounding?

And, of course, the best thing about new Bob...

He's new Bob's new wife.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, got myself a young,

gorgeous... Blind?

No. Who is she?

Here come the questions.

What's she called?

Where did you meet her?

What's she like in bed?

Are you getting the drinks in or not?

Hey, you know what we should do?

What? Go and see Brian and Kurt. Oh, and Matt.

Matt?

Do we know anyone called Matt?

Wish us luck for tomorrow.

Sorry you're not, you know, alive.

What are you doing?

Oh, I don't look like I'm doing.

Scatting. Yeah.

It's the sort of thing you should only do to a pathetic bastard, isn't it?

And he goes, pull him back on our horsey. Fucking nice.

He's been fucking wise.

He's been fucking widow now.

I'm not going to sit on Kurt.

Oh, go on.

He does love that.

No I

don't

like them you haven't even talked to them yet Take time if I don't.

Oh.

I know.

You're here.

Of course.

I was hoping you'd change your mind.

Oi.

You offered a very generous redundancy package.

I'm too young to retire.

want you here.

What are you trying to say?

I'm trying to say I don't want you here.

What do you mean, in this room?

In this school.

Why? What have I done?

Nothing.

Yet.

But if I hear you've made one mistake, if you turn up late, or you fail to make

progress, or you refuse to give your full support to your head of department,

you're out.

No warning, no second chance.

Out.

Forgetting to know our new colleagues by ignoring them.

To be honest, it doesn't seem to work. Hey!

I haven't got a pigeonhole.

That's because Claire told me not to give you a pigeonhole.

I gather you'll be leaving soon.

That's the head of English.

Over there.

Gorgeous.

Gorgeous?

Don't you want to speak to new people?

Who would I want to speak to?

The fat bloke in the wig.

No, I don't want to speak to the fat bloke in the wig. Why not? Two reasons.

One, he's fat.

Two, he's in a wig.

And what about the fat girl?

I never waste my time with the obese.

The blonde one's not fat.

Oh, this is stupid.

I'm going to mingle. It's not a party.

You can't mingle in a darkroom.

The fat girl's coming.

Look at me. We're talking about something important.

Hello, I'm Lindsay.

Hi, I'm Ewan, the head of English.

This is Ben and Damien.

Did we go there last Friday? Or was it Thursday?

Um, Friday, I think.

Shut the fuck

up!

In future, when Carol claps, you stop talking.

I hate that woman.

Which one?

All of them.

I'm aware there can be problems when two schools merge.

Those of us from Summerdown may feel like intruders, but I'm sure our new

colleagues will make us feel welcome.

To help with the amalgamation, I'd like you all to wear name tags.

I'd also like you to have a conversation with any teacher you don't know.

Take a staff list from Liz and tick the names off.

Thank you.

I would like the summer dance students to integrate with the rest of the class.

So everyone over there, pick up their books and move across and sit next to

somebody over there.

It's much better.

Why don't you stir it where you can see it? In your lap?

It's hot.

Fucking hell!

Shit!

Sorry.

Oi, Baldi.

Wipe him down with a tea towel.

Good.

Hiya, Wayne.

Hello. How are you getting on with the new kid?

I think he's going to like it.

Now, I understand how this might be difficult for you.

What? Working for me.

Why should that be difficult?

Well, I'm quite young and you're...

No problem.

It's just for me being head of English. It's fine.

No, really, it's cool.

I'm cool.

So, if that's all... Actually, I wanted to ask about Year 7.

What about them?

How will you start them off this time?

I guess I'll just do my usual thing.

Which is?

The thing I usually do.

I'm kind of asking for a bit more detail.

You're asking me how I'm going to teach English to Year 7?

Yes. You think I don't know how to teach English to Year 7? I'm sure you do.

I'd just like to get an idea of how you're going to structure the first

Well, Claire and I thought that... Claire?

You've been talking to Claire about me?

Not just about you. But mainly about me. Mainly about the fact that, according

to you, I can't teach to save my fucking life.

Honestly, she only wants... I can guess what she wanted.

Can you?

I don't know why she's doing this.

Doing what? She wants me out because she's jealous.

Has she told you about our affair?

You and Claire?

Best shag of her life.

Probably thought she was going to get my cock on a plate this term as well, but

then she hears that I'm getting married to a beautiful young girl, so she

decides to get rid of me.

So you're getting married?

That's what I said.

Who's the lucky lady? Why?

Just, you know, someone says they're getting married. You ask who they're

getting married to.

She's called Fernanda.

Oh, Fernanda.

Want me to spell it?

No. And yes, she's foreign, if that's your next question.

Oh, where's she from?

Do you mean where did I find her?

Do you want to know the name of the city, the name of the fucking street,

number of the fucking house?

How about yes, sir?

Oh, the next one's here.

Sorry? Your next victim.

Oh, I don't need to be paying. Thanks.

I get it.

Get what?

I thought he was asking everyone for their lesson plans, but no, no, it's

me, the most experienced English teacher in the whole fucking school.

If he wants a fucking fight, he'll get a fucking fight.

Bastard!

Don't give yourself a heart attack.

Why not? Who gives a shit if I die?

Are you guessing your fiancé might?

Fucking you, what a fucking creep!

Fucking Claire thinks that he's going to help her to get rid of me. Well, I'll

get rid of him. Then she won't have a head of English. And then they'll both

sorry. If you get rid of Ewan, every woman in the school will want to kill

Like they don't already.

I'm going to get that fucker fired. I'll have him out of here before he knows

what's hidden.

So you put your name on your badge?

Yeah.

Put Ewan on mine.

But you don't have Ewan on our badges just to confuse the new teachers.

Yeah, that's funny.

Please tell me you haven't been talking to people.

I'm sorry.

Three this morning.

How about you?

What? How many have I spoken to?

That would be none.

Ah, never mind.

You'll get a chance this evening, Lindsay and the family are coming to the

You know their names? You know their names and they're coming to the pub?

Yeah. Did you invite them?

Would it matter if I did?

So you did.

Oh! I was just telling them what our pub's called.

And where it is.

But they asked me questions.

You didn't have to answer.

At least they don't know where we smoke.

No.

This is where we smoke.

They can't ignore us forever.

No, they can't.

Well, they could.

Mr. Burkett.

Since when was your first name Ewan?

We thought it might be funny.

We? Damien said we should all put... It's not funny.

It's pathetic.

What?

Pathetic.

See? There's no point even trying to talk to these people.

Once again, your idea and I look like a twat.

Is it over there?

Or we could go over here.

If I did talk to the blonde one, Penning, whatever, she'd think I was

talking to her because I fancy her. There'd be nothing I could say to make

think I didn't fancy her, apart from, I don't fancy you.

Which wouldn't be a great way to start the conversation.

So, two white wines, large brandy, pint of lager.

Oh, did I mention Claire's problem?

Her being jealous of you getting married.

Not that. No, she's also deaf.

Deaf. So you should speak up whenever you're with her.

Better still, shout. Shout as loud as you can.

No one else shouts at Claire.

Well, she'd like them to.

Yeah, she used to love it when I shouted.

When you were having sex.

Look, forget about me having sex with Claire.

I'm trying to help you. If you want to stay in Claire's good books, just shout.

As loud as you can. All the time.

I think I'll wait till she asks me to.

All right.

You know this?

Apparently. Baby.

My baby.

Baby, son.

Can we talk about something else apart from babies?

Photos. Oh, God.

I'm going to make them talk to me.

Of course you are.

I am. Of course you are. I am. Of course you are. Oh, shut up.

Hello?

She's there.

Isn't that a good idea, in your condition?

What condition would that be?

You're pregnant, aren't you?

No.

I'm not pregnant.

So, Bob, when are we going to meet your fiancée?

Oh, soon, I expect.

I don't even know what she's called.

He doesn't like you asking.

I don't mind her asking.

She's called, um, Sunitra. I thought you said it was Fernanda.

Ah, yeah, that's her first name.

So her full name is Fernanda Sunitra.

That was a bit of a mouthful.

Your friends want you to go back to their table. Ah, so they're talking to

No, they gave me a note to send you and Bert to their table.

Right, um... See you later.

What a wanker. You're not a wanker. His friend's a wanker.

Wanker or no wanker, I wouldn't get too attached to Ewan.

Won't be here for much longer.

I can't stop now.

Oh, I can't slow down.

There's no one in town.

And I can't stop now.

Did Sinanda Sunitra make your packed lunch?

Why? Are you so obsessed with my fiancé? I'm just trying to build up a picture.

Thank you.

A reminder that you should all be talking to each other.

Not now.

I thought I made it clear yesterday. When you hear Carol clapping, that means

you stop what you're doing and listen.

Mr.

Porter. Shut up or get out.

Preferably, though.

Oh, um, have you bought any biscuits yet?

Biscuits? Yeah, Clare likes, uh, heads of department to buy biscuits for the

staff room.

Liz keeps a float in the top row of the desk. You just help yourself.

Really? Oh, yes.

You don't understand the phrase go fuck yourself?

No. I don't understand why you're saying go fuck yourself when what I want is

for you to photocopy these worksheets.

Have you said please?

She won't help you unless you ask her really, really nicely.

I won't help. Full stop.

She may seem a little unfriendly at first, but I get much worse as time goes

How the fuck could you get worse?

Have you tried asking Carol to be your photocopier? She's usually... Are you

going to do it?

Yes or no?

I'll give you a clue.

It's not yet.

Still not talking to you?

He might have done, if you hadn't have interrupted all the time. Well then, I

should feel just awful.

Yes, I don't.

You haven't said a word to me since I got here.

I'm not leaving till you say something.

Is it a good idea to smoke?

Oh, fuck's sake, I'm not pregnant!

I didn't say you were.

I was just asking, is it a good idea to smoke?

I can never decide.

I like the taste of tobacco, and it helps cope with the stress of the job,

then your anxiety level shoots up when you think about cancer. And I read

there's some connection between smoking and sperm count.

The more you smoke, the less your chance of having a baby.

Not that I want one, but it might suddenly get broody when I'm 30.

Can men get broody, or is that a woman -only type of thing?

The reason you didn't speak to me before is that you knew you wouldn't be able

to stop yourself from blabbering on and on and on.

Well, I suppose that's part of the reason, but I was also thinking that...

That's enough now.

What the fuck do you think you're doing?

I want the Jeff Gates. So you thought you'd steal some money?

Steal? No.

Of course Mr. Jones isn't stealing.

Then why is he holding my cash box?

Well, isn't that obvious?

No.

I went to buy some biscuits for the storefront.

Of course you did, and that's what you're floated for.

Could we have a word in my office?

Yes, he's on the way out.

I doubt that very much. Why else would she call him in there?

She's reading in the riot act. I have to attend a governor's meeting tonight and

I'm not sure if these shoes go with my skirt.

What do you think?

Shoes look fine to me.

Really? You like what you see?

Mm -hmm.

Do you want to hear my theory?

No.

She fancies him.

Fancies you and... Bollocks.

Fuck!

How dare you come in here when my red light is on?

You haven't got a red light anymore.

Get out!

Not you.

Well, Claire, fancy Ewan. Why wouldn't she fancy Ewan? We all fancy Ewan.

Yeah, but why?

Get him to be talking to me.

Not Damien.

Ben. I can't work with Ewan. Can't you? Oh, well.

Why is he talking to Ewan, not me?

He's a very good judge of character.

There's no way she's going to sack him if she wants to shag him.

Who wants to shag you? Claire wants to shag Ewan.

Who doesn't? I fucking don't.

If Ben can talk to you, he can talk to me.

Make him want to. Well, I don't care if he doesn't want to. I'll make him talk

to me and Damien.

Ben talked to Damien.

I'll make Damien talk to me as well as Ben.

What? Fuck it. If I can't get him sacked, I'll make him quit. I'll make

think that everyone hates him.

Or even better, I could actually make everybody hate him and then he'll be so

fucking miserable that he'll fucking beg Claire to let him go.

Night, Bob.

Night.

Shit,

the blonde one's coming.

I'll say hello. No.

Every time I listen to the radio.

Hello.

I still haven't ticked your name off my list.

We could just talk about something for ten minutes.

I don't even know what you teach.

I'm waiting, Miss Neville. I think she wants you to shush.

I made you talk to me. When you're quite finished.

Sorry, I was just chatting to... Ewan.

That's not your name.

I was going to change it. I forgot.

You wanted us to talk to everyone. I've decided to try something different.

Something a little more...

Intimate. A bonding night, which I'd like to have this evening.

We can let our hair down, get rid of any inhibitions.

What if you already have plans for this evening?

Do you have plans for this evening?

Yes. What?

I'm seeing people.

Who?

OK, I'm not seeing people, but I might have been.

Does anyone have any genuine plans for this evening?

Anyone?

No one?

Good. I expect to see all of you in the pub at 7 .30.

Thank you.

So, what were your plans?

A night out with Sunanda Sunitra?

Look, you don't have to use her full name all the time.

OK, what do you call her?

Schnoodle.

Do you see any tapas there?

A couple of words.

Seven words. More than we got out of Damien. More than you got out of Damien.

haven't tried yet. More than seven words.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah.

Do you want to get the English department meeting?

No, of course not. I'll see you there.

Oh, yeah. I'll be there.

He's late.

He's five minutes late.

I think you're taking a pic.

I mean, he makes us turn up for a meeting we don't really need and then he

us hanging around for hours.

Five minutes.

Getting on for an hour.

I mean, is it just me that feels insulted?

Ah, come on, let's go. He's obviously forgotten.

Sorry. Sorry.

Thought it might be nice to have some coffee and croissants.

I'd prefer tea.

Did he ask anyone if they'd rather have tea?

Oh, it's a bit hot.

But you don't burn yourself.

I'm not pregnant.

I can get the told you I was, but I'm not.

I was just wearing a baggy T -shirt.

I need three or four volunteers to come with it.

What? Sorry, maybe I'm being a bit thick here, but are you actually asking us to

give up our spare time on a Saturday?

I think it's important for the kids to see Shakespeare performed live. They're

in a proper theatre.

On a Saturday.

It's a map, innit?

Well, I doubt you'll find anyone who's willing to travel to Stratford on a

fucking Saturday.

Anyone fancy the trip?

Great.

Is it better to smoke in here or outside?

What do you mean?

I was just thinking about your health. Well, my health, really.

I thought maybe it's better to smoke outside.

Unless it's raining.

Why? The fresh air would dilute the nicotine.

But then if it's wet, we'd run the risk of catching a cold. Or pneumonia.

You have to balance that against a lower nicotine intake.

I wouldn't be a lower nicotine intake.

How can you be so sure?

Because, A, I'm not stupid, and B, I teach biology.

But if we were standing on grass, Or near a bush.

Wouldn't there be extra oxygen floating around?

I'm guessing you don't teach science of any kind.

May you know.

What do you teach?

Nothing important.

Tell me. No.

Okay.

Tell me something else about yourself.

Like what?

Surprise me.

I was bullied as a child.

and also as an adult.

That surprised me.

So, who's doing A -level English?

All of us.

One.

I was hoping you might like to help me.

Help you?

I don't think so.

I'm willing to pay.

What for?

I want you to ignore Mr. Doherty in your next English lesson.

I want you to just stare at him.

Just like that.

But, uh, don't say a word.

Well... Doesn't matter why not. The important thing is that I am willing to

for your silence.

One pound.

Each five pounds.

Each.

There's ten of you.

So, I need fifty pounds.

Can you let me lend you the money?

I'll pay you back tomorrow.

You won't have to.

Because you can wait a bit longer? Because I won't lend you the money.

Please?

I've got to pay from year 13 to ignore Ewan. Why are you telling me what you

need the money for when I've just said to you that I won't give you any?

I thought you might change your mind. Wrong.

You lend me 50 quid? No.

I can.

Right, to pay for some repairs.

You're my wife?

Yeah. Your bike's fine. I saw you riding it this morning.

I don't mean my motorbike. I mean my shoes.

Yeah.

No.

I've got some other shoes that need repairing.

It's going to cost you 50 quid.

Handmade. Leather.

With very expensive shiny bits that have to be stuck back on two other

bits.

There you go. Thank you very much.

Damien's waving at me.

I'd say he's waving at me, actually.

Oi, Ewan.

Actually, I think it's me.

See you later.

Gullible tosser.

Is it right that anyone that stupid should be head of English?

Well, you were.

You must have been called a lot of names when you were a kid.

No. No one called you Patty, Fatso, Piggy, Big Fat Pig? No.

No one ever dared call me one like that.

And why would they?

Was Jesus a man?

Good question. What's the answer?

How should I know?

I am not a fucking Christian. I keep this bollocks. I don't believe it.

I'm not saying there's anything to be ashamed of if you are a Christian.

Actually, I am saying there's something to be ashamed of.

And I agree.

So you don't mind me taking the piss?

No. You forgive me?

Yes.

It's very Christian of you.

I am not a fucking Christian.

If the ogre was black, you wouldn't call him a racist.

Have you ever done this the other way around, with Othello as a white man and

the others all black?

Well, I've never seen a production like that myself, but, yeah, it's an

interesting idea.

What the fuck were you doing in there?

Discussing Othello.

You were discussing. Well, you weren't meant to discuss. I paid you for no

discussing. So?

So I want my money back. I can't see that happening.

Can you?

Is that why you've been hiding?

We've been looking all over the... What's your favourite colour?

What's your star sign?

He's not going to tell us that.

He's not going to tell us anything.

Come on.

Hello?

Come on, this isn't difficult. Does Mrs Burling feel any guilt?

What does she tell the inspector?

Is he a real police inspector or someone who is just pissing around?

He is paying you to do this, isn't he? Mr Doherty is paying you not to talk.

Well, if he is paying you less than five pounds, you are being shortchanged.

Look, I know what you're doing.

I just need one of you to tell me I'm right.

Well.

I don't think you need stitches.

Big plaster should do it.

Well, are you going to give me a big plaster?

No, why should I?

Because you're in charge of first aid.

Yeah. But if the new teachers think they can come to me every time they hurt

themselves, I won't get a moment to myself.

What happened to you?

I fell over.

I heard you were pissing in Ewan's waste paper bin.

Well, if you know what happened, why bother to ask?

Because I want to know why you were pissing in Ewan's waist nipper bin. It

on fire.

I've no idea what caused the fire. So it wasn't you, then?

Could have been anything.

Anyone. Yeah, it was you.

Oh, she's going to sack me.

Oh, I'm up to the pub.

Shall I tell Claire you're thick?

Tell the bitch I'm in the pub. She can sack me in there if she likes.

Shall we go with him?

Just in case he falls over or...

Tops himself.

Bastards.

Fucking bastards.

Are you talking about people you know? Or is this a general rant?

I don't rant.

Really? You look like a ranter. Fuck off.

I wish I could.

But I've still got most of me pint to finish.

What are you doing here?

Thinking, reading, and hiding.

Hiding from who?

From the fat girl and the blonde one.

They're stalking me.

Bastards.

Fucking bastards.

Dare ones to sack me.

So you thought coming here and getting pissed would stop Cleb from having a

reason to sack you?

Oh, she's got her fucking reason already, that fucking bitch.

She does seem like a fucking bitch.

She's waiting for me.

Rubbing her hands with glee, jumping up and down with excitement.

Laughing at the fact that she can fire me.

I'm sure that's not true.

They're too fucking clean, aren't they, gentlemen?

They're too fucking clean and they're too fucking blonde.

Too fucking neat and tidy and arrogant.

Very pleased with themselves.

I am a strong, successful woman and you are a pathetic little

man. Who the fuck do they think they are?

Fuck them.

Yeah.

Fuck them all.

I'm going to put you in a difficult position.

What sort of position?

I'm getting rid of Bob.

Oh. Why?

I caught him urinating in your waste paper bin, having just set fire to your

office. No.

Very fair.

Now, I realise your department will be under strength for a while.

But arson is a flakable offence.

Yeah. Right.

Are you sure it was Bob who started the fires?

Cool, Pam. Why do you ask?

Well, I think it could have been me.

I'm sure it wasn't.

Actually, it might have been.

Sometimes I have a quick fag in my office and put the stuff in the bin when

finished.

I only keep forgetting to make sure it's out properly.

I had a few accidents last term.

What sort of accidents?

Fires.

A couple of small ones and quite a big one.

And a couple of others.

Five. You know, we only had to call the fire brigade twice.

You set fire to your bin five times?

Yeah, I'm afraid so.

So I guess that means you'll have to sack me.

Don't be so silly.

But you just said it's a sackable offence. I said sacking was an option.

But not if there's absence of malice. You didn't intend to start the fire, did

you? No.

Well, there you are then. You can stay.

Right.

Good. Will you have a look in your office?

If Bob urinated all over the carpet, I could suspend him or something.

OK, I'll let you know. Bye.

I know you want to sack me, but I'm not going to give you the satisfaction.

I'm not going to sack you.

What?

Why not?

Your head of department says he started the fire.

Does he? I'd like to discipline you for waving your penis around and urinating

on school property, but I'm afraid you get off on a technicality.

What technicality?

You were putting out a fire.

A fire that Ewan says he started?

Yes.

Well, don't bother to buzz me out.

I'm off to the pub.

Everyone's going to want to buy me a drink for saving the school.

I'm a fucking hero!

I bet you want to know what these are for.

No.

Claire's first game involves parking these from person to person without

your hand.

You see, that's why I didn't want to know what these are for.

I was afraid you'd say what you said.

And now, I want to go home. Well, go home then.

Wouldn't I get into trouble?

Yes. That's why I'd like you to go.

You're not very nice. You're very perceptive.

Jesus Christ, it's hot in here.

I mean, Jesus.

Is that blasphemy supposed to impress me?

I'm not a Christian.

That's what you keep saying.

What can I do to make you believe me?

You can get me two large whiskeys, three pints of lager and a glass of white

wine.

OK.

By the way, did Ewan start some players in his office last term?

Yeah, quite a few.

Kept forgetting to stub out his cigarettes.

I kept saying, Jesus Christ, you... Oh, you can stop with the J word now, I

believe you.

Don't go for that.

How's it going, big man?

Apart from being called big man, it's going just fine.

Is that what's -an -handed -thing -of -me calls you? Yeah.

She calls me lots of things.

Such as?

Well, to be honest, I don't even know what half of it means. She just talks

own language a lot.

What's that?

What?

Her own language? Where's she from?

Thailand.

How did you meet her?

Well, you know... Come on.

You can tell me.

Yeah, we're mates, aren't we?

What am I to do, then?

Tell each other secrets and they keep their secrets.

They don't tell all the other fuckers.

Yeah, yeah, let's hear it then.

Well, technically,

I'm not actually engaged.

Not yet, but, yeah, I've got a short list of 12 possible fiancées.

Fernanda is my favourite, but I need one more look at the website.

You're talking about Thai brides on the internet? They're not all Thai. There's

Russians, Poles, Croatians. Who's fit there at your computer?

looking at their photos and deciding which one you'd like to show.

No, no, which one I'd like to marry.

Same thing.

Are you naked?

What? Are you computer?

I'm just trying to picture the scene.

Actually, I don't want to picture the scene.

If you'll excuse me, I think I'll find someone else to talk to.

Someone a little less... you.

What's your problem? I thought you liked me.

I told you all that incompetence. I told you.

Fucking wanker.

You're all wankers. It doesn't matter.

Don't fuck yourself. You look like you enjoy yourself.

What are you talking about?

I want to get away from him.

You think you're better than me?

Yeah.

Claire, just try to put this down my chest. I'm the daddy. I'm the fucking

daddy. You can all fuck off.

I've had enough of Bob.

Who, by the way, doesn't actually have a fiancée? What? I've no sin and a

sinitra. Oh, she exists, but she's not engaged to Bob because Bob hasn't

actually asked her to marry him.

Or actually spoken to her.

Or actually met her. You see, what he's been doing, actually, is ordering a wife

off a website.

Oh, Herbert.

Now, he told me all that in strict confidence.

So feel free to tell anyone you like.

Oi, Balder!

Who the fuck did that?

Must be your round.

I don't think so.

Are we talking to everyone now? Except for Bob.

What if we don't want to talk to you?

Of course you want to talk to us.

Who else are you going to talk to?

Each other.

Don't talk to me. Or me. Why not?

I'm bored of talking to you. Talk to him.

Why not me?

Because I know quite enough about you.

Is anyone going to get a fucking round?