Original subtitles

I'm trapped in a room.

I think it's my bedroom from home.

Only it doesn't look like it.

It just feels like it's my bedroom.

And it's raining outside.

This is your fault.

It's not my fault.

And there's a door.

It is. You started this.

All I did was mention the funny dream I had last night.

She's still gone.

And there's someone coming through the door. Only I can't see who it is because

it's too dark.

Fuck you now. Let's go back to the bar.

I thought you all wanted to hear my dream.

Only because you said it was a nightmare. And nightmares are usually

entertaining. We all listened to Matt's dream.

That's because mine was funny.

And short. And it had talking animals in it.

Everyone loves talking animals.

Mr. Ed.

Pig from Babe.

Jaws. So you can't be bothered to listen to my dream because it hasn't got a

talking pig in it. No, we don't want to hear your dream because it's fucking

boring. Not even scary. It is at the end. We'll get to the end. Fine, the

It turns out that the man in my bed, the man I've just slept with... Yes? ...is

Kurt. What?

That is scary.

Kate, it's just a dream. It wasn't real.

I dreamt about Eileen last night.

And how is that interesting? You dream about Eileen all the time?

Wasting time on stupid things, that's what I'm doing today.

Walking up and down the street, you see me floating away. I'm going to do what

you have to do to

make you all mine all of the

time.

My mind is...

I dreamt I had sex with Penny last night. You know what that means.

No. If she dreamt she had sex with me again, then technically we've done it.

I can add her to my list.

A list that includes people you've just dreamt about having sex with.

Instead of actually, you know, doing it for real.

You're all just jealous because no one's dreaming of having sex with you.

All you're doing is dreaming of having sex with Eileen.

Well, not having sex in the dream.

Well, what are you doing?

Well...

A holding hand.

Tough.

Ooh,

good morning, Penny.

Fuck off.

I'm pleased to say that this year we've managed to turn the corner on the

weapons in the school.

We've also turned the corner on truancy, on drug abuse and on littering. If you

turn four corners, doesn't that mean you end up back where you started?

However, there's still a problem with teenage pregnancy, which is why this

I want you to talk to your tutor groups. Stress the importance of being careful.

If everyone in our tutor group is really ugly, do we still have to... ...ask

them? Teenage pregnancies are bad for the teenagers.

And most of all, they're bad for the school.

It's all your fault.

How is it my fault?

There we are.

Where?

Friends.

Shit. Never noticed them before.

Coffee? Yeah, cheers.

What is this?

I mean, what the fuck is this?

It's a meatball.

I wasn't talking to you. Look at it. Look.

That's fucking ridiculous. It's all a ball and no fucking meat.

Calm down.

Is it too much to ask for some food that's actually digestible?

Eh? Taste it.

Eh? See?

They won't even touch their own food, they know.

Leave it. They're doing the best.

Their best?

Well, if this is their fucking best, what's their worst?

They slave every day to make your dinner.

Have you ever said thank you?

I meant to thank them for three cases of food poisoning and a bad spell of the

runs. I suppose you'd like me to stand here and applaud them because I'm so

fucking grateful that they haven't killed me yet. Yeah, I would.

Well, you're in for a long fucking... Wait!

Um, everybody?

I'd just like to say something.

What's he doing?

I have no idea. It's about the food.

It's too easy to criticise it without ever really stopping and tasting it.

We eat here every day.

And we never take the time to stop.

And think about who makes the food.

We never stop and say thank you.

So, let's give the dinner ladies a round of applause for all their hard work.

What? No, babe.

Do it or I'm double defensive.

You're under detention.

What for?

You didn't clap hard enough.

What was that about?

I was standing up for the dinner lady.

Why? I like meatballs.

So really you were standing up for the meatballs?

You could have joined in.

Oh, yeah. It was very inspiring seeing you standing there making a toast.

Here.

It's coronation chicken.

You've served coronation chicken?

I've seen it on the menu.

I'm not special to pie.

We all thought what you did in there was quite sweet.

Especially that bit where you made the child join in.

Actually, that was a bit weird, but still quite sweet.

Was it?

What are you doing tonight?

I'm to the pub.

Uh, yeah.

The pub.

Right. Well, thanks.

No problem.

You're a genius.

I thought you were just making a twat of yourself.

But you were doing it to get into Eileen's good books.

Very clever.

You're right. It is.

I wonder why she asked what I was doing tonight.

You don't think that she was... No.

If I was to ask you what you were doing tonight, what do you think that would

mean? It would mean you wanted to know what I was doing tonight.

Yeah, but what would it really mean?

It would really mean that you wanted to know what I was doing tonight.

Do you want to know what I'm doing tonight? Not really. I just wanted to

what it meant.

Well, now you know.

Although, if you weren't my mate and you asked me that, I suppose it would

really mean... Yes.

it would really mean you were asking me out.

Really? Yep.

Really? Yes.

Right. And if you were asking me out, you'd probably expect a proper answer,

just something like, I don't know, I'm going down the pub.

Unless you're being a twat, yes.

Why we're having this conversation?

No reason.

Yes.

What? I'd like to go out with you.

You'd like to go out with me?

Yes. You asked me out earlier and, well, yes.

I didn't ask you out.

I just asked what you were doing tonight.

Oh.

Oh.

Don't joke him.

How's eight sound?

Eight? Great.

I mean... As long as you're not too busy, you know, going to the pub.

The pub?

No, no, I hate the pub.

I just said that because Kurt's got a thing about the pub.

He's obsessed by it.

It's his sickness.

OK. So, eight o 'clock.

Eight o 'clock.

Technically, you shouldn't be going out with Eileen.

Why not?

Because Simon's shagged her.

So? I think your exact words were, the ex is hexed.

That's right. You said you couldn't go out to Eileen now because you wouldn't

that to a mate you had principles with.

I don't have principles, do I?

Great. I can go out with her.

Go out with her and do whatever people do on a date, which is...

Probably just sit and bore each other with conversation?

Yeah.

Like what?

What did you talk about in your last days?

Andrew Ridgely.

I had to go to the toilet. Whilst I was taking a piss, I was thinking about what

I'd do if George Michael was at the urinal next to me.

You know, just in case he fancied me.

And then I remember that I always thought it was Andrew Ridgely that was

one in one, not George.

Can we all just please go to the fucking pub?

I've got it.

Fuck.

Everyone loves facts.

It'll make you look clever.

Or at least show that you've got a good memory.

This was a proper date.

I'm not going to spend it telling her about who's got the longest toenails in

the world.

Louise Hollis, USA.

Average length, six inches long.

She can't wear shoes.

Did you know that Jose Ivan Hernandez of the USA removed 56 beer bottles hot in

under a minute using only his teeth?

Jose Ivan Hernandez, 56 beer bottles hot, one minute, teeth.

Jason Dahmer unhooked 16 double -class bras in one minute using just one hand.

Sorry, am I missing something?

How on earth did Brian convince Eileen to go out with him?

He didn't. She asked him.

Women don't ask men out.

Well, not proper ones.

Sweet. What if he wanted me to come with him? But I said, Brian, mate, you don't

need me.

You can do this by yourself.

Right, because if you'd have been there, it would have done so much better.

Oh, it'd have liked to be a disaster.

It's only a date.

As long as he doesn't say anything too stupid or do anything too stupid, she'll

be OK.

Although you've got to admit, that was the wrong part of the interview.

You missed one.

What? As long as he doesn't take her anywhere stupid.

Why? Why's he taking her?

Can't get rid of you

Did you know that Jose Ivan Hernandez of the USA removed 56 beer bottle tops in

under a minute using his teeth?

What do I need a property guide for? Your new

flat for when Brian and Eileen move in together.

I wouldn't be surprised if they were already working out how to tell you.

probably won't even tell you about it.

You just come home one day and find the fucking lock changed.

Brian wouldn't do that. He loves living with me.

I'm great to live with.

So if you were given a choice between living with Brian or a gorgeous woman,

would you live with Brian?

He took her to a fucking fun fair.

He's not going to move in with her.

Good for you. You stick with your friend. He'll need you when the whole

goes pear -shaped and his ass and his arse was only the clothes on his back.

Another fucking man sharing the bed where he made sweet love to her every

It's a long way down from the top of the mountain.

What mountain?

Want me to win you something now?

To be honest, I'm not really a cuddly, foxy little girl.

Oh, well, there's...

The balloon.

They're quite nice and balloon -like.

Yeah, I go.

I'm a goldfish.

Died? About 15 minutes ago.

I always thought Andrew Ridgely was the gay one in one.

You too?

No. Honestly?

Even after you got married and George Michael had that big moustache? Until

got caught with him.

Thing out in the toilet.

No,

still don't get it.

It's perfectly simple. The first date is the top of the mountain, the high

point. After that, it's downhill all the fucking way till you hit the bottom.

So what you're saying is, if it goes well, that's bad, because it's all

from there.

And if it goes badly, that's bad because... It's already fallen to the

the mountain.

It's a broken man.

See? That's... That's why I decided to stay single. It's easier.

I don't have to get involved with all this mountain stuff.

Since when did you decide to stay single?

A while ago, you know.

Decided to take it easy.

Enjoy my own company.

You and your sock.

Kurt, you're single because no one wants to go out with you.

Well, Karen wanted to go out with me, didn't you?

More. See?

Right, I'm off. Why?

Well, Brian might be sitting at home crying by now.

Better go and look after him.

Because I'm a great flatmate.

Brian?

Hello?

You okay, mate?

Why have we stopped here?

Well, we've either stopped because it's such a beautiful place to stand and look

at the scenery, which it is, or because

it's a good place to have a snog.

It is?

Yeah.

Let's get a taxi.

I'm wasting money.

I'm nearly home.

I might not let you go home.

What? Ever?

Well, I might let you go.

In the morning?

This is our first date.

Uh -huh.

And, you know, it'd be good if we took things...

There, there.

Slowly.

I see.

I'm being a gentleman, you know.

There's no need to rush.

Okay.

I'm so sorry.

No problem.

Your proper sister.

Let's just be friends.

I'm not your friend. I wanna make you sing.

I wanna make you sing.

Oh, you're back then.

I'm half the phone asleep.

Never mind.

It's never going to work out anyway.

You kissed her?

Yeah.

Tongues? Mm -hmm.

Both hers and mine.

Wow.

She's lovely.

Everything about her's lovely.

She even smells lovely when she smiles.

Her eyes light up, you know, like a fruit machine.

That's great.

Enjoy the moment while it lasts.

What does that mean?

Well... Everyone knows the first date is the high point, top of the mountain.

And once you reach the top, it's downhill all the way.

Which mountain is this?

I don't know.

Just the mountain.

There isn't a mountain.

You've made the mountain up.

And even if there was a mountain, which there isn't, that wouldn't happen with

me and Eileen.

You're not planning on living with her, are you?

What do you think of my jacket?

It's OK.

Just OK?

You mean you don't like it?

No, it's fine.

Fine? Great.

I knew I shouldn't have worn it.

I knew you'd hate it.

What's wrong with you?

You'd better get used to it. That's what going out with someone is like.

What do you know? Oh, I know.

Words like okay and fine, they're no longer in your vocabulary.

Oh!

What the fuck was that for? Don't look at other women!

And then we were walking over the bridge, and it just happened.

And she ran away?

No.

She kissed me.

Oh! Sweet and slightly dusty.

I'd like to thank those of you who took the time to speak to their tutorial

groups yesterday.

Unfortunately, it's come to my attention that some people decided they had other

things to do.

It wasn't that we had other things to do. It's just better things to do.

I think what he's trying to say is that we weren't aware of the correct

procedure. We didn't want to overstep any boundaries.

They're your pupils.

It's your responsibility to talk to them.

Find out what's going on in their lives.

By lunchtime.

All of you.

God help you if any of the pupils get pregnant between now and then.

I'm going to invite you down to the pub tonight.

Is that wise?

Yeah.

Isn't it?

I said she's seen you in the pub before and never showed any interest.

Maybe she saw a side of you on the date which didn't involve falling over,

burping and throwing up. Yeah, people are always acting differently around

partners. I don't.

It's like Batman.

It's nothing like Batman. Yes, it is.

When he's hanging out with his friends, he gets to do cool stuff like beating

people up or driving his Batmobile.

And then when he's Bruce Wayne, he has to do stuff like go out for candlelit

dinners, go to art gallery, boring things like that.

They're the same person. Yes, but they can never exist at the same time.

I like being Batman.

But Eileen won't like you being Batman.

Are you following any of this?

I want people to start feeling Batman.

Eileen's different. She'd like me if I was Bruce Wayne or Batman.

I never realised Batman had a serious relationship.

Oh, except for Robin.

Oh, yeah. He had loads of girls.

What'd he do? Take them out for a spinny Batman beer?

I don't know.

Kind of glossed over that bit.

He probably just, you know, did what other people do with their girlfriends.

You know, stuff.

Like?

Well, the sort of stuff girlfriends expect.

The sort of stuff that keeps them interested, which is... I

don't have a clue.

Rather than bore you with a lecture on why you shouldn't sleep with anyone at

your age, I thought this book might help.

Have a look at the pictures and pass it on.

It isn't that bad.

Turn to page 30.

So, who can tell me about teenage pregnancy?

You can put your hand down. You don't know anything about girls, let alone

getting them pregnant.

Yeah, I do. I know lots about girls.

Okay.

Let's say you had a girlfriend.

And you've just started seeing her and you really like her.

Really, really like her.

What sort of things would you do to, you know... Well, there's the usual. You've

got to clean your teeth.

Everyone knows that.

More than once a day.

Got to have clean nails.

And poetry.

Women love poetry.

And you've got to phone them at least three times a day.

Three times a day?

Why would someone have to burn them three times a day?

It's to let them know you're thinking about them. They like that.

Excellent. Well done.

Just this amongst yourselves.

Where are you going?

Nowhere.

I need to borrow your mobile phone.

It'll cost you 20 quid. Fuck off.

Turner?

Okay, a tenner.

If you throw in your toothbrush as well.

Stop following me. It's my phone. I want to know

who you're phoning. I'm phoning Eileen, okay?

Don't mind me.

That doesn't matter. It's her answering machine.

She's probably avoiding you.

No, she's not.

In Xanadu did Kublai Khan a stately pleasure -domed decree where Alph, the

sacred river, ran through caverns measureless to man down to a sunless

Shit, we're running out of time.

I'll phone her back.

What are you doing?

It's a poem.

Maybe you should just skip to the end.

It won't make sense then. What doesn't make sense already?

Beware! Beware!

His flashing eyes, his floating hair.

Weave a circle round him thrice and close your eyes with holy dread.

For he on honey dew hath fed and drank the milk of paradise.

Bye.

You're fucking insane.

I don't want a phone call in. I'm already running out of things to say.

How many times do you have to call her a day?

Three at least.

Fuck, every day?

Yeah.

You could tell her you've got on your toothbrush.

Brian! Hi.

Rusted teeth last night.

And this morning.

Good for you.

Did you get my message?

Which one?

Go and tell me about your new toothbrush, the one warning me about the

the flashing eyes and floating hair.

No, no, that was a problem.

Oh.

I thought maybe you'd just been drinking.

I'd better go.

I'll phone you later.

OK.

If you want to.

That's no problem.

Sure, but it is nice of you to phone me.

But you don't need to phone me if you don't have anything to say.

I'm just thinking of your mobile, Bill.

It's not my phone, it's Kurt's.

Well, then I'm just thinking of Kurt's mobile, Bill.

Oh, right.

OK.

See you later.

He told me to ring her, you know. It seemed to make sense.

He didn't mention that after thinking of somebody to say he's dying.

It's all getting a lot more complicated than I thought it was going to be.

Can't believe you asked a pupil for advice.

He's got a moustache.

Intelligent people usually have a moustache, like Einstein or Tom Selleck.

I could have given you advice.

My advice would have been great.

OK.

Oh, right.

Well?

The thing about going out with someone is... The thing is

that... Your gums are bleeding.

That's not advice.

No, your gums are actually bleeding.

My teeth aren't used to being brushed.

They're rebelling.

Well, that's my advice.

Stop brushing your teeth so much.

That's shit advice.

I'm not the one standing there with bleeding gums.

Your gums are bleeding.

I know.

Why are your gums bleeding?

They just are. Sometimes gums bleed.

My gums don't bleed, ever.

I'd just like to say I've had some very positive feedback from your tutorial

sessions. Although, Miss Pierce, I'm not sure showing your class pictures of

STDs was entirely constructive.

Seemed to work. I'm sure it did.

And I'm sure one day they'll all happily relate the tale to their psychiatrists.

You showed your class pictures of sexual diseases?

Yep. Fuck.

Why didn't I think of that?

Ah.

Ah. Ah.

Well, it's stopped.

Sir? Yeah.

See? This is what you get for listening to your pupils.

I never listen to mine.

Yeah, well, not doing that again.

This whole thing's too confusing.

I need proper help.

Who does Batman turn to when he needs help?

Probably Superman.

You can't come on too strong.

Right. Law of nature. Everybody wants something they can't have.

You've got to hold back.

Be evasive.

Evasive. Got you. But at the same time, you don't want to pretend you're not

interested. You're a man.

She's a woman.

Let her know that.

You look a little confused.

No, no. I should be.

Evasive, but show her I'm interested.

Right? Right.

How do I do that?

Well, Brian, I'd like to go into more detail, but if you can see, I have a

to teach.

Yeah. Is this going to be an exam?

Yeah, probably.

Is that a new rugby shirt you're wearing?

Maybe.

Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

Both, possibly.

I was only wondering because of this.

You OK?

I might be.

Fine.

I was going to ask if you wanted to go out tomorrow. Yes, I'd love to.

OK.

Oh, by the way.

Look what I dug out for you.

Wow.

Thanks.

It's just... That's what I always wanted.

Who?

It's not. It's Wham. Why did you buy it if you don't like it? I didn't buy it.

It was a present.

Oh.

Well, it could have been worse.

I once went out with this man. He used to make the family fortunes noise every

time I did something he disagreed with.

Uh -uh.

What? He went uh -uh all the time.

Pretty much.

Just that?

Uh -uh.

Uh -uh.

Uh -uh.

Uh -uh. Will you please stop making that fucking noise?

I suppose it's quite sweet, doesn't it?

I should be glad she gave it to me. It's the thought that counts.

What if she asks me about it later and I've got to pretend I've listened to it?

Then pretend.

What if she quizzes me on it, asks me questions?

She's not going to give you an exam and a fucking wham album.

What if she does?

You'll just have to bullshit your way through it.

I'd be very good at that.

Then you'll have to revise.

I'd be very good at that either. Oh, will you stop whining about it?

Did you just tell me to stop whining?

Yeah, look, this is what happens when you go out with someone.

Sometimes they give you crap presents and you have to pretend to like them.

Sometimes you have to tell them they look nice when they blatantly don't.

Sometimes they cook for you, and even though it makes you feel sick, you have

force it down.

Stop behaving like a whining baby and get used to it.

Right.

I think that was a bit hard.

No.

We don't listen to Wham.

Eileen gave it to me.

Something we've got in common, our love of Wham.

You like this music.

Do I look like I like this music?

No!

Haven't you ever seen two grown men standing around listening to one?

I

just

wanted to say we've had some good news on the pregnancy front.

From this morning onwards, we are a teenage, pregnancy -free zone.

Did you expel the twins?

I didn't have to. They both went into labour late last night.

What do they have?

I have no idea.

Do they have twins?

Brian?

What? I didn't know you were a fan of the Wham.

I'm a big fan myself. I took the wife to see them back in 85, and they were...

Marvellous. You know, it was a great show.

Really, really marvellous.

I always thought you were a bit on the dull side, but this has really made me

change my opinion of you.

Sign. What do you mean, fuck?

Fuck, I'm not ready.

Ready for what?

Ready to take a wham exam.

Well, just like that.

How?

You look nice.

Got about half of that chip fucking there.

Yeah, but it's nice.

Smell like a chip shop.

I'd rather not smell like a chip shop.

Yeah, but you do. And that's good.

Because it means whenever I eat chips, I'll think of you.

Well, that's nice to know.

Okay.

You don't always smell of chips.

Is that a question?

No, it's a compliment.

Thanks.

I haven't listened to it yet, just in case you were going to ask me questions,

like what I thought of it or something else.

Listen to what?

Wham.

Right.

Okay.

See you later.

I promised to help Kurt with his work.

Hey, don't you fucking lie.

What?

Well, it's nothing really. It's just some old friends of mine having a party.

little fancy dress thing, you know.

People get together, have a laugh and... Well, the invite's for two, you know.

So?

Well, I thought it'd be quite amusing if you and me went as George and Andrew.

The one?

Yeah, that's right.

We'll talk later.

Sir, have you marked your test yet?

I might have.

And again, I might have been busy.

Too busy to do your job?

Too busy to do anything.

It's easy for you. You just sit there listening to me.

I've got a life outside of this classroom.

A life that involves brushing my teeth, listening to music I hate.

Trying to give compliments.

But you're lucky I'm here at all.

So you haven't marked our tests, then?

There. Mark them yourselves.

What are you doing?

I'm full.

Eileen gave you double portions?

So? You have to finish it, otherwise you'll think you don't like her.

Donald Gursky of the USA has eaten 18 ,250 Big Macs.

Jimmy Scord of Sweden swallowed seven whole sausages in 30 seconds.

What? Just let him Brian know he's not the only one to stop his face for good

cause. I don't think you're helping him.

I don't think anyone can help him.

If I did not.

Is it okay?

There's only really the potatoes left.

And the... No, enough of everything.

I brushed my teeth three times today.

Three. You're meant to brush your teeth three times a day.

I feel weird. Just getting out of control. Poor you. Imagine having clean

I owe you 20 quid for the fucking mobile phone bill already.

I think you're overreacting maybe a little.

Overreacting? Didn't you hear anything I just said?

Yeah.

Look, the point is, I've made the decision.

I've got to finish with Eileen.

Two and a half days?

It's a new record.

We need to have a talk.

It's just...

You know I care about you.

But... Our relationship hasn't been going well for a while now.

Are we in a relationship?

Yes. Yes, we are.

Oh. Okay.

Well, no, it's not okay.

In fact... What is it?

It's over.

Oh. Okay.

I know this might come as a bit of a shock to you. Especially as I only just

found out we were going out.

What's this for?

It's in case, you know... I get cold?

If you want to cry, it's okay.

We'll be friends.

Brian, we weren't even friends to start out with.

Hey.

It's going to be okay.

All good things come to an end.

Probably hates you now.

I wouldn't blame her.

She'd give you really small portions at lunch.

You could waste away.

Better be on the safe side and bringing Pat lunch in from now on.

Maybe one day she'll look back without bitterness.

Smile for a while thinking about the times we spent together.

Oh, no.

What? This is terrible.

I... I forgot to shag her.

Oh, fuck.

So, if you weren't shagging her, how exactly were the two of you going out?

We went to the pond there.

I gave her a big...

Cuddly toy?

Talks about wham?

Well done.

You've just had your first gay relationship.

It's not my fault. It's all of you.

Your advice was shit.

Well, I gave you good advice.

I told you to stop brushing your teeth.

I should have listened to you.

It's never too late.

Look on the bright side. One week in and she made your life a misery. Imagine

what a year would have done to you.

You're right.

Thanks, Matt.

You're a mate.

If ever you need me to make you feel better about something, just ask.

Don't mention it. No, it's no problem.

No, that's how you can make me feel better. Don't mention it.

Although, you can pay for my round if you like.

No problem.

Do you think the bridge at night is beautiful?

The bridge?

Yeah. It's just a bridge.

How can it look beautiful?

Eileen said it was beautiful.

It's functional.

It's there so that people can get from A to B.

If it wasn't there, there'd be just a gap.

Do you think it's beautiful?

I think...

I think that... I think that I'm going to throw up.

Wait! Throw up over this side. It'll be more fun. Okay.

I can do it.

I'm going to join you.

Now that...

That was beautiful.

Thank you.

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