All language subtitles for Teachers s03e09.eng

I hate Christmas.

You've got to give cards to friends you
don't want to speak to.

Presents to relatives you don't want to
speak to.

And thank you letters to anyone who's
still speaking to you when it's all

You should be glad Claire's cancelled
it.

Did what?

Do you not read your memos?

No. No.

Never.

Blah, blah, blah.

All programmes or pageants that promote
or emphasise the Christian significance

of the holiday are prohibited.

No carols, no decorations, no cards, no
treats.

She can't cancel Christmas. I thought
you didn't like it.

I don't?

Shouldn't you be clean?

Yes.

And I am, so well done, Claire.

Oh, it's still going to be Christmas
outside of school.

Still going to have to spend hours in
the company of smug people in functional

relationships, bleating on about what
they're going to buy each other.

Do you actually know anyone in a
functional relationship?

I can think of at least two of us who
are as good as married to each other.

Talking of which, where are they?

Your golden hair and pale eyes.

But through all the days and we sleep at
night.

We have never been trapped by time.

I'm all right with you.

Yeah, we are falling on three.

Almost to the point of no turn.

Everything must turn this way.

You can see my tired eyes.

See something you don't recognize.

I can't sky

Kurt and Brian. Kurt and Brian.

Kurt and Brian.

Mr and Mrs McKenna. Hey, Barry's.

False alarm.

Dear Kurt and Brian -y.

Fucking dimwits at the bank.

Certain Brian is.

I can't believe they thought we were
married. Can't believe they thought if

were, I was your wife. Have you anything
special planned for tomorrow night? Oh,

yeah, very special.

Why are you coming tomorrow?

I'm leaving, remember?

You're going to make Claire swear like a
bitch again, because I'd really like to

be there this time.

Even better than that, I'm going to do
absolutely nothing at all.

Just drift away anonymously, like I was
never here.

Oh, Matt.

I've been meaning to ask.

What are you buying Jessica for
Christmas?

I haven't decided yet. Because I've been
thinking.

If it's sexy underwear, you can always
run it by me first.

Why, are you an expert on women's
lingerie? No, he's an expert in wanking

women's lingerie. I can't believe you
haven't decided yet.

You must know how tricky it is buying
your wife's Christmas present.

Me? But you've been agonising over what
to get Ryan.

If anyone's anyone's wife, Kurt's mine.

Shut up, bitch.

Anyway, we've got a no -present pact.

Ah, the old no -present pact.

Five pounds for that one, one.

You don't have to be to me for a week.

Ah, we're not buying each other
anything.

What you mean is you're not buying Brian
anything?

No, I'm not buying Brian anything.
Brian's not buying me anything. Hey,

Of course not. See?

So what are you buying him?

Brian.

Gentle down, please.

I've received a number of complaints
about bad... language around the school.

You shouldn't need reminding that
standards start with staff.

Shit!

So in order to encourage you to set a
good example, I've asked Liz and Carol

set up a staff square box.

Any questions?

Starting from when?

Starting from now.

Sorry, I made a fucking... Oh, shit!

Bob!

just telling everyone about the new
staff square box.

Box. Box.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Equals nine expletives at 50 pence each,
making a grand total of four pounds

fifty.

Look.

For the rest of the week, you won't need
reminding what's going on.

Does anyone remember what's happening
this week?

We've got mock GCSEs. We require two
invigilators for each exam.

Liz has worked out a schedule which she
will put on the notice board in the

admin office. Any more questions? Yes,
Mr Stedman.

Are all swear words worth the same? The
same as what?

Well, for instance, some people think...
Go on, you can say it.

Shit is less offensive than fuck.

Plus, bugger might not be offensive to a
gay thing as it's more of a hobby.

And isn't bollocks just the technical
name for go -nuts?

I'll leave the finer points to Liz.

Kurt's definitely got me a Christmas
present. What about the pack?

He's flossing.

Are you sure?

The only reason for making a non
-present pack is to make it more of a

We'd have a point of making a no
-present pact and then not giving a

would there? Unless you just need an
excuse not to give a present.

Well, anyway, it's the thought that
counts. He isn't even going to think

getting you anything.

Yeah, he will.

Won't he? No chance whatsoever.

But we're present mates.

Everyone knows one spouse always makes
more effort than the other, and in most

cases, it's the wife.

got our essays.

Which essays?

The measure -per -measure ones,
remember?

Of course I remember.

What about them?

They're very important.

Every essay is very important.

But these go towards our grades, don't
they?

Which is why I've spent so long marking
them.

You haven't lost them, have you?

Shouldn't you be working?

You haven't given us any work to do.

Is it important?

Not really.

All right.

And what do you think? Sorry.

You know you've been going on about me
and Kurt, you know, being married.

It's just a joke.

You're not actually married, are you?
But if we were married, why does

think I'd be the wife?

They don't think that, do they? You do.

Yeah, I do.

You think of me being...

taller and hairier, I'd be the husband.

That's a good point. So why aren't I the
husband?

I don't know.

Well, I suppose... Yeah?

Traditionally, it's the wife who holds
things together, does the cooking, the

cleaning, holds the purse strings, while
the husband just pisses about

freeloading. If anything,

you being the wife is a compliment.

Well, Kurt doesn't freeload.

He's the most selfish bloke I've ever
met.

If he was your husband, you could
divorce him on the grounds of emotional

He's so lazy.

I could never divorce him.

Which is exactly why he'll go and treat
you the way he does, because he knows

you won't stand up to him.

Oh, shit.

I've got my dinner money.

Can I buy some?

You've only got a dinner. Well, that'll
do.

Can we always do this?

Oh, please.

Please, please. Go on.

All right.

15 pounds, 21 pence.

He's paying.

I'll play with a check.

What would you do if you lost an essay?

Just one essay.

Or an entire set of essays.

Depends how important they were. Very
important.

How would someone lose an entire set of
very important essays?

For example, he or she could forget
where he or she had left them.

He or she would have to be pretty crap
to do that.

Yeah, he or she would.

That's such a shit morning.

So sick.

Why, what happened?

Brandon. Keeps bullying me.

I'm thinking of writing an anonymous
letter to his parents.

Dear Mr and Mrs King, your child is a
complete shithead. Love, Kurt.

Not strictly anonymous.

What's up with you?

Nothing.

You're in a sulk.

I just think we always talk about your
problems.

But you haven't got any problems.

Yes, I do.

Don't I?

Lord's problem.

All right, then.

Let's hear about them.

How was your morning?

Well, in my geography lesson, I got
Bucharest and Budapest mixed up.

Oh.

You're not listening.

Well, no one else was listening.

You were.

Weren't you?

Couldn't we come to some sort of
arrangement?

It's only lunchtime and already you've
contributed... Nick Pound.

15 pounds.

Not including the toilet when you
thought no one was looking.

12 .15?

Problems with dribbling. Your exact
words were... Fucking prostate! At this

rate, you owe us at least 150 pounds by
tomorrow night. I'm prepared to settle

for 75 pounds cash in hand now.

Screw you.

It's worth more to us alive.

Do you know what time it is?

No idea.

It's just gone two o 'clock.

Well, if you knew, why did you ask?

Aren't you supposed to be at your exam?

Well, aren't you?

Yes.

Shit!

Why didn't you remind me?

Not my job to remind you.

Sorry we're late.

Why are you late?

We lost track of time.

I didn't. He did.

Since I obviously can't trust you to be
sensible, I'll be checking up on you

every 15 minutes.

Thanks.

You haven't seen a stack of A -level
essays floating about the place, have

Why, have you lost some?

No. Have you seen any?

No. Then there's no problem.

Can I get a lift to the pub?

Of course. Anyone else? Me.

What a surprise.

Just give me a few minutes.

No.

No what?

I'm sick of you always needing a few
minutes.

Every time I want to do something,
you're like, give me a few minutes.

Either you come now, like Lindsay, or
you forget it.

Simon?

I think I'll just walk.

What's going on?

Nothing's going on.

If you've got a problem, you should tell
me. Not in front of everyone. Everyone,

fuck off.

We should go. Let's go.

Should I stay?

No.

Now you're going to tell me?

Maybe you should sit down.

I'm not sure.

I don't... I'm not sure I want to be
your

best mate anymore.

Yeah, you do.

No, I don't.

Well, you says.

I say.

Are you jealous or something?

Of course not.

Is it because I'm the funny one?

I'm sick of looking after you.

What looks you do?

Give me one single example and you look
after me.

I'm always making sure you're on time.

Lending you money.

I have to remind you to do every little
thing.

Like pick up your dry cleaning.

Oh, shit, that reminds me. I drive you
everywhere. I cook you breakfast.

I do your washing.

I open your curtains.

I can't remember the last time you
didn't forget your door keys.

Oh, they're right.

On my bedside table.

I'm not saying we can't be mates.

It's not best mates.

What if I started to pull my weight?

A bit.

It's too late for that.

Sorry.

Do you want that lift or not?

Forget it.

I'll give you a few minutes.

Just go.

Oh, will you go?

I thought we might get a head start with
these moths, you know, strike while the

iron's hot.

Or we could just leave it till after
Christmas.

The thing is, I'd quite like it if
English were the first to get their

up this year, to reflect well on the
department.

There's not a competition, is there?
Christ, no, no, but you know what a

department are like.

Always first, for once.

We'd like to wipe that smug grin off
their face.

Maybe next year.

What can I get you?

No one's handed in a pile of homework,
have they? It's just... I've lost them.

What's it about?

Essays on measure for measure.

Angelo is about to discuss or something.

No, no, I'm sorry.

What homework have you got?

Urban planning.

Hydrological cycle.

Land usage.

Brian.

Brian.

Brian. Your porn story.

Yeah.

Think Kit and Brian are all right?
They're fine, trust me.

If they both turn up any second, it'll
be like nothing happened.

I personally guarantee it.

Where's Kit?

I think he's walking. What's going on
between you two?

We're no longer going to be best
friends.

Yeah, right. Fuck off.

This... It wasn't an easy decision.

But the fact is, our relationship hasn't
been working for some time now and...

Well, I just think it's best for both of
us if we move on.

Pull out the chair, I'll buy you a beer.

No, thanks. I don't feel like getting
shit -faced.

In fact, I think I'll make it an early
night.

In the three years I've known Brian...

I've never known him have an early
night. But have you ever known him and

to fall out?

Never. At least not properly, not over
something that actually mattered.

Although there was that time when they
both nearly had a fight over how far

you had to be from the detonation of the
Hiroshima bomb in order to survive.

Do you know the way to the pub?

Which pub?

The one the staff always use.

I've never been there.

What? Because it's full of teachers.

No, because I'm 13.

It shouldn't take three hours to get to
the pub, should it? It does if you're

Kurt.

Kurt and Brian don't just fall out.

Someone must have said something.

I didn't say anything.

I didn't say anything. I didn't say
anything.

What? Did you say anything?

No. I mean, I talked to him then, but I
haven't said anything.

Definitely not.

Leave me alone.

What are you doing?

Trying to find a pub.

It's one o 'clock in the morning.

So? Well, all the pubs are closed.

So? You're headed in the wrong
direction.

So?

Look, do you want to live?

All right, then.

Much easier to mark a maths paper. Most
of it's multiple choice. It's either

right or wrong.

Your wife dumped you, didn't she?

I think that's rather simplifying it.

But she shitted all over you, right?

I suppose.

And you cope.

When your wife chucks you out and starts
knobbing the satellite installation,

man.

The best thing you can do is pull
yourself together, show that you don't

her and that you're better off without
her.

And that's what you did, right?

Couldn't do anything with them.

Just went around like a big baby for a
couple of months. I had a fucking haul

with a fucking special height bar stone
with his fucking harness.

Sorry about that.

That's Lizzie's fault.

Needed to swear all day.

You can let me out now, Mum.

Never solutions.

Walk back against the wall.

What the fuck's going on?

Okay, you're upset, but that's no reason
to start cooking.

Can I have some?

I thought you weren't speaking to me.

I wasn't speaking.

Starting from now.

Well, you can eat all that.

Want a lift in?

I'll trade you one sausage for a lift
into work.

Can you keep the noise down a little
bit?

Simon, please tell Brian that I don't
need a lift.

What the fuck?

Simon, ask Kurt how else is he going to
get to school.

Tell Brian I'm going to use Simon's
bike.

Remind Kurt that he broke Simon's bike
at the weekend.

You broke Simon's bike?

Remind Brian that he promised not to
tell Simon I'd broken his bike. I'd

incorporate my bike.

Kurt's not sure.

He dropped it.

How can you fucking drop it? Please
thank Brian for putting Kurt in the

Tell Kurt that he still hasn't told
Brian how he's going to get to school.

It's all right, bud.

Right for what?

Do you go anywhere near the school?

Depends which school you mean.

I'm not sure.

Summer something, I think.

Is there the one by the city centre?

I don't know what the city centre is.

Well, why don't you ask them?

Excuse me?

Where's the city centre? No!

Ask them if you go to the same school.

Oh, right.

Do we go to the same school?

What do you mean?

I'm a teacher.

Mr. Kurt McKenna, I teach IT.

Never heard of you.

It's fine.

Why did you dump Kurt?

Because I was worried that it might have
had something to do with me.

I make up my own mind, thanks very much.
Well, that's what I thought.

Although... I suppose you did start me
thinking, so... Isn't that so? But it

with a ref, I'd say.

No.

Where did you get it?

So I'm early, so what?

Been here since 8 .30, big deal. First
person in. Let's not make a song and

dance about it.

How come?

Turns out the bus only takes 15 minutes.

That's impossible.

You can't get here in less than half an
hour in a car, let alone 15 minutes on a

bus. You can't if you go your way. But
guess what?

Your way?

It isn't the right way.

You've been going the wrong way to
school for three years.

Are you sure you haven't said something?

This is not my fault.

But some of the more alert of you will
already know today is the last day of

term.

I'm sure you won't need reminding that
in order to prevent last year's scenes,

the official staff party has been
cancelled.

Today we're also saying a second goodbye
to Mr Casey.

If anyone's hoping to use the pretext of
his departure as an excuse for an

alternative party, then I'm afraid you
needn't bother. He's already had one.

Any questions?

You can't not have a staff Christmas
party.

I thought you hated staff Christmas
parties.

I hate everything to do with Christmas.
But if there's one thing I hate more

than Christmas, it's not being able to
hate it because someone has cancelled it

on my behalf.

Are you sure there's nothing else you'd
like to add?

I'm not going to swear, if that's what
you mean.

How's it going, by the way? Major
target?

It was going fine till everyone stopped
swearing. Surely Bob hasn't.

There I was, counting on the fact that
he had undiagnosed Tourette's.

Turns out it's just an affectation.

Anyone for key?

Penny! Now back up.

You're okay with this, aren't you?

Why would I not be?

As long as you're fine. I'm fine.

Fine.

Does one of you want to swap exams with
me? Thanks.

Cheers, mate.

What for?

Mate? Didn't fancy monitoring with
Penny.

Why?

You're worried you won't be able to stop
the bayonet and tip the whole time.

Mate.

That's exactly it.

No worries, mate.

Take your arm off me.

Sorry.

Bye.

As we all know, this is our last lesson
together.

Now, it's a strongly held principle of
mine that no class I take ever works on

the last day of term and that work
shouldn't even be discussed.

So instead, if anyone has any games, we
should play them.

Have you got our essays?

I'm not familiar with that game. You've
lost them.

Of course I haven't lost them. They're
in my bag.

How about I teach you all how to do the
crossword?

Show us them, if you haven't lost them.

All right.

I admit it.

I've lost them. I've lost the fucking
coursework.

Happy?

Not really.

Are you bored?

I'm fucking bored. Me too.

Do you want to play paper war?

How do you play?

You each get ten sheets of paper and the
rule is you have to get rid of them as

quickly as possible.

Is that it?

Simple.

What other games have you got?

Splinter. What's that?

You take off your shoes and then try and
slide around as much as you can.

How do you win?

You don't. You just get splintered.

I think I prefer paperwork.

I had a think about our little chat
yesterday and I'd like to revise my

What do you have in mind?

Forty quid, and you can swear as much as
you like.

Very reasonable.

I thought so, too.

But I can't help thinking this whole
swear box has done me the world of good.

I've started to use words I've forgotten
even existed.

So, if it's all right with you, I'll
decline you.

you later, Matt.

Mate. Yeah.

That was such a laugh, mate.

Yeah.

Oh, hi, Kit. Hi, Brian.

So, how did it go?

I mean, what a laugh.

Matt, it's such a scream.

Best exam I've ever had.

Yeah, listen, I was thinking we should
probably take the next one together.

Why is that?

Claire might get pissed off if we mess
about with the timetable too much.

Matt seemed really keen on swapping with
you.

Play paperwork if you want. I already
played it with Matt.

You let Matt play?

You don't have a problem with that, do
you?

I just thought we had a pact.

Yeah, but pacts only count as long as
you're Beth's mate.

Simon, can I have a word about... Sorry,
Brian, I thought you were Simon.

Nothing like Simon. No, you look shorter
today.

Shorter?

It's probably just because you're not
with Kurt.

I think it makes you look taller.

So you didn't say anything to Brian?

I didn't say anything that could have
caused this, no.

But you did say something.

I speak to Brian every day, so I'm bound
to say something. That doesn't mean I

said something.

So what did you say?

Nothing.

He asked me why I'd been joking about
him being Kurt's wife.

So I explained how really, really this
was a compliment because wives are the

backbone of a relationship, whereas
Kurt's more a hate woman.

OK, yeah, I might have set the ball
rolling, but when I asked Brian, he

specifically told me it wasn't my fault.

It's all your fault.

You see?

I should never have listened to you.

I didn't tell you to break up with Kurt.

You told me I was like a wife trapped in
an emotionally abusive marriage.

Here we go. You said it wasn't a direct
factor.

Well, I've changed my mind.

From now on, this is all your fault.
And... And... There.

I've said it.

I know you're mad with me.

You probably think this is all my fault,
even though, you know, I only set the

ball rolling.

Once you calm down, you'll probably put
that in perspective. But I want to say

sorry.

This was going to be Kurt's Christmas
present.

Plastic stone.

No.

There's no ordinary plastic stone.

Close without saying.

Called a keystone.

You hide a spare set of keys inside when
you forget yours.

Which Kurt does practically every day.

Ideally suited to first floor flats
without gardens.

It's only been a day.

Already I miss him.

His tiny, cheeky face.

His stinking feet.

His crap little jokes.

Have you told him this?

I can't tell him that.

Yeah, you can.

I'm a bloke.

I bottle things up.

You want to make up with him, don't you?

So go and say sorry.

He'll just tell me to sod off. Of course
he won't.

All right, he probably will, but... It's
a step in the right direction.

I saw an advert for a property you like
going in Clifton.

Adjacent to the park.

Heated swimming pool.

That's right.

Perfect.

I noticed it said Christ on application.

Should I apply for the price?

Really?

Wow.

What if I applied again?

Would that be the same price or does it
vary?

Ideally without the last three zeros.

Yes.

Sorting out somewhere to live.

Can I sit down?

I'm kind of hanging out with friends
right now.

Make it quick.

I made a mistake.

I was wrong to accuse you of being a
useless twat.

And I'd like it if you could go back to
being best mates.

I don't know how easy that's going to
be.

I promised to stop nagging.

The thing is, I think you were right.

You don't bring me down.

We both bring each other down.

We do?

If we go back together now, it would be
for the wrong reasons.

Because you couldn't cope with me
turning my life around and becoming

amazing person I never knew I was.

What a jerk.

He made a mistake, that's all.

He's only got himself to blame.

In some ways, I'm a tiny bit
responsible.

No, you're not.

You didn't tell him to dump me.

No, but I said if he was your wife, he'd
have sufficient grounds to dump you.

Why did you say that?

Because it's true.

Yeah. So, really, it's not entirely his
fault. It's also partly my fault, so you

should be annoyed with me.

I'm not annoyed with you.

Why not?

Things are really working out for me.

You're not true, though.

You know, since Brian hasn't been
dragging me down, I've been making all

new friends.

Like who?

You know, Matt, for instance.

I mean, we were mates before, but, you
know, I think we've been really building

on that.

We're on our way to becoming best mates.

Eh?

I'm married.

Matt's married.

So? Married people don't have best
friends.

Yeah, they do.

Yes, they do. They do, yes.

So? You're not going to be my best
friend.

Not now.

Not in the near future.

Not ever.

Sorry to be so blunt.

I didn't mean only Matt.

It's Lindsay as well.

Do you think there's any possibility
that you and Kurt will ever be best

friends?

Not in a million years.

Why not?

Firstly, I can only take him in small
doses.

Secondly, he's much more annoying
without Brian.

What about you?

We're mates, aren't we? Yeah, but, you
know, I'm leaving today.

So, what?

No one wants me unless I'm with Brian.

That's about the size of it.

Fuck you.

Me? This is your fucking fault.

What? You said it wasn't.

Aren't you swapping?

Couldn't be arsed.

Couldn't you find anyone?

No. Couldn't be arsed to find anyone.

Don't expect me to be grateful just
because you couldn't be arsed to find

anyone. I'm not. Good. Good.

Is there a problem?

I don't know.

Well, I suggest you go in and start.

Well, don't say I didn't try. You didn't
try? Yes, I did.

Well, then you can't have been very
good.

Simon.

Well, I can't say I'm surprised.

Nor am I.

I always assumed you'd screw up somehow.

Me too.

It was just a case of when, where and
how.

How much?

Um,

pounds.

Um, ten.

Got the English results?

Worked through the night.

Good for you.

I suppose they're the first back, eh?

They certainly are. Yes!

Apart from the maths department,
obviously.

Oh, shit. What was that you said? Oh,
fuck. Oh, fucking fuck. Stop fucking

swearing.

Thought for a moment there, that fucked
up. Oh, shit!

Fuck!

What the fuck is wrong with me, eh?
There I go again. I tried to stop

swearing and it just fucking comes out
like fucking water from a fucking tap.

Oh, fuck it!

You get that if you want.

It's up to you.

Don't give a shit.

Me neither.

Excuse me?

I can't believe I hung around with you
all the time.

You drove me crazy with your OCD, girl,
you're out of your mind.

I'm counting on UFOs to beat me up, I
just don't know how long I can take

this shit. I'm over it, girl, you gotta
go.

It's over, we're over.

We're standing close.

Mmm.

Look on the bright side. Without Brian
and Kurt,

There's no one to say anything stupid
when there's a lull in the conversation.

I bet you 100 pounds. I bet you 1
million pounds.

Well, I bet you infinite pounds.

I bet you infinite plus 1 pounds.

Can't have infinite plus 1. It's the
same as infinite.

Ah, sounds like someone doesn't want to
put their money where their mouth is.

Infinite plus 2.

Why is everyone looking so miserable?

Shit, it's Eileen.

Relax. Play it cool.

What are you doing?

I'm playing it cool.

Why do you need to play it cool?

So it looks like you've got cool
friends.

So you two are friends now.

What are you talking about?

Of course we're mates.

As if we'd ever not been mates.

Yeah.

Well, what if...

Eileen offered to shag you on the
condition that you stopped hanging out

me.

Why would she say that?

She might find me sexually threatening
because she secretly desired me.

Well, tell her to fuck right off.

You wouldn't.

Oh, yeah?

I know at the moment we're just friends,
but you should know.

If ever we started shagging and you said
to me you didn't like Kurt, I'd tell

you to fuck right off.

Which one's Kurt again?

Over there.

Actually, he's a bit of a knob. I forget
I ever mentioned him.

What did you say?

I told her. She wanted me. You were part
of the package.

You mean like in a threesome?

Piss off.

I'm going to the bar. Drinks are on me.
Who wants to lend me 20 quid?

What's all that?

Swear box. So, technically, Bob.

Excellent.

Come on, cheer up.

This galaxy's a shit -star party,
doesn't it?

Hardly. What's missing?

when I'm obliged to wear shit paper hats
from shitcrackers by colleagues who

don't even like me. Thought this might
cheer you fuckers up.

This shit will make me look... Hey, hey.

So, Derek.

So, Matty.

I know.

Come on.

There must be something you want to do
to mark the occasion of me leaving.

Why, what?

Anything you want.

Anything.

Pencil case!

Chuck it off!

The quick works of Chaucer. Throw it
off, then.

How are you going to need that at your
new school?

It's Bob's anyway.

Next up, fuck.

What is it? Those fucking essence.

Chuck them off!

I don't fucking believe it.

I was so convinced that I was shit
enough to lose them that I didn't bother

check properly.

Fuck, you know what that means.

What's that?

I'm not shit after all.

Ow!

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