Original subtitles

All right, let's go. What's the hurry? It's time to get another one in before

closing time. Who's coming tonight?

Not me.

Why not?

Who is this man?

What's the same?

Will someone tell me what you're talking about?

I think Matt's wrong.

He's a little bit different every night.

Different themes, different reactions.

He'd always start the same way and end the same way.

Settle down, please.

Sorry. Budge up a bit.

Are you sure there's someone in that house? Here he comes.

You fucking bitch, he's with you now, isn't he?

Lying in my bed, under my duvet.

Does he know who put that wallpaper up?

Have you told him?

It was me.

Me, your fucking husband.

You fucking bitch.

How long have they been going on? A couple of weeks.

I only could come down every night. All right.

Fair point.

It's going very well.

Hello.

Here we go.

You did

that on Monday? With a

bigger bucket. Very disappointing.

That's it. Show's over.

Quick, before he gets hurt.

What are you doing here?

Watching a grown man behave like an asshole.

Come on, let's get you home.

This is my home.

My clogs are not having my clogs. My clog is eating. You are not having my

clogs. And I'm saying you with this one.

moved up the property ladder by setting up home in this shithole, do you?

Well, I didn't want to move.

Fucking Brian.

He doesn't own that fucking gymnasium.

What, he kicked you out?

Good ass.

Said he'd tell Claire if I stayed there any longer.

I was going to go back to my car, but the fucking council towed it away.

Bastards.

So, I suppose it's not so bad in here. Got all the mod cons on one.

I think you need to...

Did you soak a lager without leaving your bed?

Yes. I tell my husband to fetch me a lager.

Any other features I'm missing?

Well, the journey to work's a bit quicker than from the gymnasium, which

good. Oh, I think it's time you sorted out your life.

Really? Why?

You can't be happy here.

Why not?

It's great.

I mean, just fucking brilliant.

See you next time.

for the kids.

We're going to have a few.

Are you sure that's not dry clean only?

Sir, the road is. It was on fire.

Do you think we should ask if he's hurt?

Can't be helped.

You?

Nah.

Good morning.

May I start with the... Sorry.

Sorry.

May I start with a plea for help?

Only two members of staff have volunteered to supervise the students'

night discotheque.

We'll need far more adults present if we're to prevent a repetition of last

year's bloodbath, so please sign up as soon as possible.

Thank you.

I think Bobby's has showered in

the changing room. Yes.

How come he's smug? Worse than ever.

We haven't got a laundrette in the changing rooms.

He doesn't wash his clothes.

Have you seen his shirt?

The grey one?

It used to be white.

Can the school count on yours, but what?

You must be joking.

Of course I am, but I have to ask.

You and Kurt... What?

You signed up for the disco?

Yeah. Have you got a problem with that?

No. No, I'm just, uh, surprised.

Well, I'm fucking amazed.

Right. Because you'd rather be here, watching kids dancing down the curb of

restaurant, getting pissed.

I mean, what's wrong with you?

This job.

It's difficult, but it can be rewarding, if you remember why we're doing it.

For the money?

For the kids.

Without them, what have we got?

Holidays?

Nothing.

The kids give us everything that makes teaching what it is.

And I'm grateful for that.

So, once a year, I like to give something back.

Keep something back to the kit.

Fuck off.

What's wrong with that? What's wrong with that? Is that it's you and Brian?

Not Bob Geldof and... Oh, that Scottish bloke.

Billy Connolly?

No, the one who did Band Aid. He used to be married to Patsy Kensley.

Noel Gallagher? When was he Scottish?

I know he's not Scottish, but he was married to Patsy Kensley. I thought that

was Liam. Also not Scottish.

Midger? Yes. No.

He did Band -Aid. People are married to Pat McKenzie. Jim Kerr. I think we're

moving away from the point here.

At the point?

Well, there's a question.

What's he up to?

You should put your name down.

I have.

I've got plans.

Shouting abuse at your wife from 11 .15 to 11 .25?

Sure she wouldn't mind if you gave it a miss.

She might. She was always keen on routines.

There'll be plenty of food.

Sausage rolls, pork pies, chicken goujons. As much as you can eat for

What time do you want me?

Say, oh, fuck!

Please! Don't pitch me the bar tonight.

Sorry? At the disco.

I'm giving you a hand with crowd control.

Doesn't mean to say we can't have a laugh.

You're coming tonight?

Yeah. Get the job done, then down the pub for a pint.

As long as you'll buy it.

See you later.

Oi.

You know the rules.

Here we go.

Four Bacardi Breezers, 12 lagers, half a bottle of scotch, some British sherry.

Who bought sherry?

Malcolm Jacobs.

Here, son.

Big ears.

Want to keep a stick out?

Headlight. Ah, long boy mouth.

Mum's an alcoholic.

After crying.

What do you mean?

If you had a kid like that, wouldn't you want to drink all the time?

I do want to drink all the time.

Sherry? Christ, no.

Then you can't be an alky.

Fuck for that.

How do you do on cigarettes?

27 packets. Most of them full. This is better than last year.

Will they never learn?

Fucking hope not.

What are you doing?

Stocking up.

I freeze these scotch eggs in the quiche to make this last a week. You don't

care if this looks a little sad?

Everybody's watching. We're all too busy trying to get off with each other.

Randy little sobs.

Not that Randy, apparently.

Come on. What? You and me, down.

Are you mad?

No.

You drunk? Yes.

Let's go!

Oh, fuck.

Aren't you going to put your bin bag down?

What if someone nicked it?

No one's that desperate except you.

It's an eye on my back, eh?

No, wait, wait. Move your head.

That's it.

Now feel, feel the music.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Nothing.

Let's get a drink.

I've got some brandy in my thermos flask. No, please, don't leave me.

Oh, we're not done until this.

No, but I can't walk at the moment.

Why not?

Well, I've got a problem.

With your leg?

No, it's a little bit higher up.

What?

Don't draw attention to it.

Walk away slowly and I'll be right behind you.

Yes. Fuck.

Yes.

Have you ever had a bald man?

No?

In my experience, they're better in bed than there in bed.

Kurt was nothing compared to Bob.

Mind you, he's nothing compared to every other man I've slept with.

Kurt was a huge disappointment.

Unlike Bob, who was just huge.

Morning.

Did you shower? Yes.

He had one last week.

What do you think he's going to wear today?

The stained corduroys and the mouldy green shirt, or the stained chinos and

grey shirt with no armpits?

Makes no difference to how bad he's going to smell.

Yes.

Your turn.

I told you, I'm not doing it.

But it's your turn.

I'll pick on your behalf, shall I? No, I don't want you to pick on my behalf.

Okay, I'll pick on Brian's behalf.

Oh, it's a long one. You got the short straw.

How the fuck have I got the short straw?

I said I couldn't give a shit about Bob.

I don't care if he smells.

I don't care if he knows he smells.

I said I wouldn't pick a straw. So, to repeat the question, how the fuck have I

got the short straw?

Well, this is the only straw left, and it's a short one. Look.

You have to tell Bobby Stink. You have to tell him today.

Oh, you can tell him now.

Can we listen?

I'm not sure how much clearer I can be on this subject.

I won't talk to Bob about his personal hygiene.

It's none of my business.

None of your business. Leave me alone.

Look, you've got the short straw.

Good morning.

I'd just like to thank all those who attended last night's discotheque and

to ensure its success.

relative to last year. You'll be happy to know that only two students were kept

in hospital overnight, one for observation and one for stitches.

If you haven't yet completed your witness statement, the police are coming

this afternoon to interview suspects, so please make sure they have all the

relevant paperwork.

Thank you.

Do you want to buy some cigarettes?

I'm fine, thanks.

£2 .50?

No, really.

£2 .30.

£2? No.

What about some exciting greetings?

What's up, David?

What's it?

I tagged them. I don't read them.

What happened to you last night?

Absolutely nothing.

Nothing happened to me last night. All night. Another thing.

Why do you ask?

We could have done with some help when it all kicked off.

He had his hands full at the time, didn't you, Bob?

Yes.

You can go now. Bob and I want a word in private.

What about?

Do the words in private mean nothing to you?

Not a lot.

How about the words, fuck off?

Oh, right.

See you later, then.

Good morning.

Morning.

Thanks for, uh... Well, you know... Thanks?

Is that all?

No. Christ, no, no.

I'm sorry. Of course, very, very sorry. I know you were drunk, and if I took

advantage of you... You didn't take advantage of me.

No -one takes advantage of me.

Well, I'm sure you've had better.

Not that I'm saying you've had a lot of sex, although, God knows, there must

have been a lot of men that wanted to have sex. Well, still do want to have

with you. And I was, I am, one of... Aren't you covering for Mr Grant? I was

nowhere near your office.

What?

What?

Oh, sorry, I thought you said something else.

The bell's gone.

Mr Grant's class are waiting.

I'm on my way.

Better get going.

Thanks again for letting me, you know... It was my pleasure.

Sorry about your back.

Was that you?

I got a little bit carried away.

Ah, thought I'd slept on broken glass.

I'll be more gentle next time.

Next time?

What, you want to do it again?

With me?

Hey!

Yo!

Am

I

keeping you?

Yes.

These things take time.

So I gather.

I think, on balance, I prefer the new.

No, the old version.

Where's Liz?

Beast. Time.

Mind about shit about.

What?

Whoever broke the vaulting horse. The vaulting horse?

Is it important?

It's fucking vital if you're trying to vault.

Were you?

No, but I got a whole afternoon planned around it just for someone to snap their

leg off.

This place, there's no respect for property.

Tell me about it. I just did.

Why don't you listen?

I was trying to agree with you. How can you plan a whole afternoon around

vaulting? Season.

A whole afternoon?

They line the kids up, they run, they jump.

Go to the back of the queue. Before you know it, time's up.

Sounds like really good fun.

Are you taking the pit?

Yes.

There's different ways of voting, you know.

You can tuck both your legs in, lead with one leg, lead with the other.

So what are you doing instead if you can't use your horse?

I don't know. I'll have to plan something.

How about walking slowly?

You get all the kids to put their right foot out, then their left foot.

and they keep repeating the movements until the bell rings.

Or lying down, where you rest on your back, staring up at the ceiling.

Or standing still.

Fuck it. Oh.

Breathe in.

Neither. Wipe it.

You always have to go a little bit too far.

Oh, fuck.

Do I smell sick?

Sick? No.

Chalk does cheap salt for onions? Yes.

I was teaching 7A. I was leaning over talking to that special needs kid. Which

one? I don't know his name. Anyway, he threw up all over me.

On purpose?

I don't think so. There's some stomach bug going around.

It's why most of you are nine's away.

I thought it was quiet this morning.

But you know that there are only eight kids in my day. I never look up to you

unless... Why not?

Ain't it too depressing?

Hard little faces with a cold, dead eye.

Liz? Liz?

Did you want me? If you can spare five minutes.

In a moment.

Can I see you later?

Yes. If you happen to meet me outside the front gate at 7 .30, I might just

a surprise for you.

It's a nice surprise.

But I'm not saying what it is. Nope, nope.

You'll just have to wait.

So, I'll see you later.

This will better be good.

Have you told him?

Please tell me you're not talking about Bob.

Have you told him his face?

Take a wild guess.

Yes? Oh, bad luck.

So, you haven't told him?

Try to imagine how upset he'd be if I went up to him and said, Hello, Bob, you

smell like shit.

He wouldn't be upset. No?

Adam, have you got a minute?

You smell like shit.

Do I?

See? You have to be so blunt.

There are other ways of phrasing it, more subtle, more diplomatic.

Really? How would you put it?

I don't know.

There seems to be a slight problem with your personal height.

You smell like shit. No, let me finish.

It might be worth thinking about washing powder.

You smell like shit. And whether it's doing the job it said it would on the

packet. If you actually bought the packet.

Washing pad. Ah, fuck it.

Six packs for ten pounds. That's my final answer. No, that's my final

Why don't you want them? Because I don't know where they've been.

I didn't nick them. I just fucked them up with people in Bonn.

I'm sure there's nothing different, but I can't be arsed to work it out.

What are you doing?

Nothing. If you don't want them, give them to me.

You agreed we'd split everything 50 -50.

I can do what I like with my share.

You'd rather make money than give them to me?

Yes. Not that I care, but where did you get them?

At the disco last night.

Now they've been.

Are you going to let me have them or not?

You don't smoke.

You don't drink as much as I do.

Okay, you give me the fads, I'll give you the vodka.

And the scotch?

We drank it.

Bollocks. We did.

I was on lager. You had a nightcap.

What, half a bottle of whiskey? You said you were thirsty.

You're making it up to get my cigarettes.

You're not having them, so fuck off.

Oh, fuck.

Hi. Hello.

You've got to be joking.

No. There was a bunch of just like this in the staff room till I threw them in

the bin.

Oh, really? Oh, here comes the cart.

Hope you've all your appetite.

You going to eat first?

First. Well, we shall.

We are going to have sex tonight.

Oh, God, yes.

I want it more than once.

Well, I'll see what I can do.

No pressure, obviously.

Obviously.

We're wasting time.

Yeah, what's that, Harry?

My husband will be home in one hour, 45 minutes. I want to have his dinner in

the microwave and my body in the bath.

Well, we're nearly there.

And you're quite sure you want to go to this restaurant?

You wouldn't rather just... Could

you turn the car out, please?

How was your day?

Do you really want to know? Of course.

Okay, let me think.

Carol got on my nerves.

Claire pissed me off.

She wouldn't stop banging on about how to change the record of achievement

Change it?

Claire wanted input from heads of department, but surprise, surprise, she

get any.

Now she wants to have a meeting.

Why the fuck are we talking about this when we've only got another nine minutes

before?

I have.

Oh, actually, I'm not quite sure that I... Oh, no.

The underbirds are go.

I wish you'd stop saying that.

What should I do to make you all mine

all of the time?

Hello?

Oh, hi.

Decorating back there, it's... It's... You know, it stops paint and dust

and... What can I do for you?

I want to talk about the record of achievement form, which... Can I stop

there? I've had some thoughts, made some amendments.

You have?

I mean, have you?

Take a look, see what you think.

I was hoping we might have a meeting of other heads of department.

How about this afternoon?

Some emulsion. It must have just...

Good

morning. I was hoping to get you alone.

Oh, I think it's a little early for... I've got something for you.

My husband won't be needing this.

You're giving me his jacket?

This jacket?

If I had to choose myself a jacket, it's exactly the kind of jacket I'd choose.

And some jumpers, shirt, trousers, and socks.

For me? I can't say the smell of your clothes anymore, so please, wear these.

Wear them soon.

Well, I will.

And thank you.

This is just so nice. This is so nice.

It's possibly the nicest thing that any... Please, tell me you're not going

cry. Of course not.

Good. I'll see you later.

Well, um, I've got something for you, too.

Oh.

Shit.

They're out.

Come.

Mind your own business.

Can I help you? No, thanks.

I was just, you know.

No more flowers or teddy bears.

I thought you liked them.

Wrong.

And you'd rather not have anything else to live with?

Stop writing.

Something wrong?

No.

Didn't you think of anything to write about?

No.

Have you ever been to Scotland?

No.

Would you like to go there?

If your mum was going with you, I mean.

On holiday.

In the summer.

What are you talking about?

Doesn't matter.

Sir?

Yes?

Where to get that jacket?

Give me the cigarette.

No.

I thought so, Bob.

You said you wouldn't. I changed my mind.

You cry like a baby. No, I took Brian's advice. I tried to be diplomatic.

He reacted pretty well.

Is he going to do something about the smell?

Oh, I think so. Got a light?

Bob,

any chance... The year 11 grade prediction.

Yeah.

Do you want to read it on this weekend? Yeah.

He doesn't even smoke.

I do.

You saw me.

You weren't inhaling. That's not smoking.

Well, I'm going through 40 a day, so I must be doing something right.

Are you wearing perfume?

Of course not.

Does it smell different?

That nerve gas stench has gone.

Oh, thank you.

Nice one, mate.

I knew you could do it. It was nothing, really.

You're wearing a new jacket?

Uh, yes.

I got it from Liz.

She gave it to me because, um...

She's my girlfriend.

She's your what? She's my girlfriend.

I'm going out.

We, uh, we have lots of... But...

She's married.

To her husband.

And since when did being married stop a woman shagging another bloke?

Didn't seem to hold my wife back.

Fucking bitch.

This is Bob.

Isn't Liz too old to be called a girl?

What else would you call her?

Old slapper. Dirty cow.

Lot of sex.

That's what Bob said.

Lucky fucker. But me and Liz only did it once.

What's Bob got that I haven't? A visible cock.

Can you imagine them shagging?

Oh. I feel sick.

Me too.

Why do you feel sick? You've seen Liz shagging before.

Yeah, but now I've got to think about Bob shagging too.

So do we.

Would you rather think about Bob shagging or me shagging? Bob. Oh, Bob.

Why? He's bald and fat.

And I bet he sweats a lot. And makes stupid grunting noises like a pig.

I mean, I look better than him naked.

I must do.

I look better than him with clothes on.

Don't I?

Taylor.

You what? Who I preferred, him or Mr. Porter?

And what did you say?

I said I couldn't stand either of them. Why did he ask you?

I don't know. He kept on saying that he had hidden talents and that how I

shouldn't look up to Mr. Porter because he's basically just a sad old twat. You

must have had a reason.

Not really. You just happened to ask my daughter to choose between you and Bob.

I was wondering where I stood in terms of popularity with the kid. And that's

the only reason you were asking?

Yeah.

Okay. I don't understand what you see in Bob. I don't see anything in Bob. Then

how come you're his girlfriend?

Who says I'm his girlfriend?

Your boyfriend does.

My what does? Bob, he says you're always shagging, and I want to know what I did

that was so bad.

Oh, if you're hoping for a shag, I'm afraid I'm teaching in a minute. I'm not

sure I can live with the disappointment.

There's something wrong.

You've been telling people I'm your girlfriend, but I'm not your girlfriend.

I was never your girlfriend. If I had been, I wouldn't be any longer because

dumping you.

There,

you are dumped.

Now fuck off.

Explain, please.

I'm not listening.

I just couldn't keep it a secret any longer.

So you thought you'd tell the whole school?

It was only Brian and Kurt.

And Penny and Lindsay and... Map.

And they'll keep it to themselves?

Well, I'd picture.

Have you ever known those bastards keep anything to themselves?

Well, there's a... Oh, the first time.

What do I tell Kayla when she hears about this?

She's already suspicious, thanks to Kurt.

Well, you'll have to tell her somehow.

Why would I have to tell her?

Well, if you're going to leave your husband.

I'm not going to leave my husband.

Aren't you?

Why would I?

Well, I thought... Well, you and me... Don't you have

feelings for me? For you?

No. I have feelings for sex.

And it was pretty good with you.

Thanks. Nothing special, though.

Nothing worth breaking up a marriage for.

Did you honestly think that I'd leave my husband for someone like you?

Now, that's a man who's just been shocked.

Is that what I look like when I've been shocked?

Can't remember.

Go and talk to him.

Why? He looks like he needs cheering up.

So... Tell him some jokes.

If I talk to him, he'll only start crying and I really don't want him

all over me.

Well, I don't want him blubbing all over me.

He'll keep his distance from you. You're a bloke.

Sort of.

There's something about me and heartbroken men.

They always just want to bury their head in me tits.

Of course you do.

I would.

I'd bury my head in anyone's tits. I'm not fussy. You go and talk to him. Go

What do you mean, I'm a bloke? Sort of.

I'm planning to crack down on the wave of vandalism that seems to be sweeping

through the school.

Gym equipment, a photocopy of toilet cubicles.

Any thoughts on how to tackle the problem?

No. Really?

It's going to be full of good ideas at the moment.

I have a feeling that nothing's going to be broken ever again.

Well, we'll see.

All right?

I just asked him that.

What did he say?

Nothing.

How's Liz?

Hey.

Hey.

Easy there, mate.

You're going to crush your jacket.

You see this?

There's a hole, like a bullet hole.

Where?

You don't think Liz's husband... What have you got?

Mr Webb?

You don't think Mr Webb is dead?

Dead? Shot through the armpit.

No.

Then how come he didn't want the jacket anymore?

It's good.

Well done.

You okay?

Quite happy.

Do I look happy?

No problems.

At home?

Like what?

Your dad's not ill, is he?

No.

Have you seen him recently?

This morning.

Why are you asking me about my dad?

No reason.

Tell my mum you're asking.

Christ, no.

I'll see you drink.

What, with you?

Unless you've got other plans.

Has Liz agreed to shag you again?

No, she fucking hasn't.

You want us to go?

Yeah.

You got any lager?

I'll help you some.

And fitted kitchen.

Are you a bit depressed?

On the first floor, there are two bedrooms and a bathroom.

Oh, top of the world.

I can't feel it. Of course he's depressed.

I know how you're feeling.

I've been chucked by Liz.

She didn't chuck you.

You have to go out with someone a few times before they can chuck you.

Liz just didn't want to shag you again because you were shit in bed.

No, I wasn't.

We had great sex.

Everywhere. Claire's office.

The staff toilet, the gym, the photocopier.

Gym?

Not the vault, it was.

And we're never going to do it again, so that's that.

Now the chapter in our sad little life comes to an end.

Your life isn't sad.

His life is sad.

He hasn't had sex in months.

Weeks. When it gets to over 20 weeks, I think we can call it months.

And when did you last have a shag?

A proper one. I mean, not just with a sock.

I'm not saying I'm getting much more than you. Any more than me. You're not

getting any more than me. We're not here to argue about me and you. Why are you

here? To cheer you up.

Well, you're doing a fantastic job.

You still look a bit depressed.

Of course he's still depressed.

But you shouldn't be.

You've just had a passionate affair. With a woman.

A real woman.

Not a sock.

Um, okay.

It didn't last long.

But it was longer than he lasted.

So people will say, Oh, why did Liz shag Bob much more than she shagged Kurt?

I know.

Because Bob's cock is enormous.

Whereas Kurt's is tiny.

They won't say that. There'll be graffiti all over the school.

Bob's got an enormous cock.

Do you think so? I'm sure of it.

I've written it twice in a box already.

Thank you.

I mean, it wasn't a bad couple of days.

It was quite exciting, really. Made me feel young again.

There you go, then.

And it would have got complicated if she had left her husband.

She doesn't have to leave him. He's dead.

What?

He's not dead.

Are we going to the pub now?

I had you down as a couple of wankers, but deep down, you're not too bad.

Cheers. If there's anything you need, I'm going to have to ask.

Anything? Yep.

I'll need your place.

Char, I'll help you.

I'm just saying, she might change her mind.

You think Liz will change her mind? She might. But then she'd be admitting she

was wrong.

She took to her end of story. Well, some women chuck a bloke one day, the neck

they get down on bended knee and beg him to come back.

Some women?

What? You said some women do that.

Don't men ever change their minds? Not in my experience.

Still, I could be wrong.

Who's round, is it? Yours.

And mine's a pint of lager.

Me too.

Wait, what? Where's Ryan?

Introducing Bob to Erica. Why?

I thought Bob needed something to take his mind off Liz.

What? Shag with Erica?

You bastard.

No, we're doing this as a favour.

As an act of kindness. Who's who?

Bob, do you think he's going to be grateful when he wakes up with that?

Well, he had to do something.

He wanted to come and live at our place.

Well, it looks like it's not going to happen tonight.

No, I didn't think it would.

She didn't fancy me.

She's like the rest of the female population.

All right, Bob.

Thanks.

No luck with Erica.

Actually, we're having a drink after closing time.

She said yes.

To you.

She must have read the graffiti in the book.

Oh.

Well, things are looking up.

She knows I might find somewhere to live.

So, has anybody got a spare bed?

Or a sofa?

Only for a couple of weeks.

I'll get those drinks, shall I? Mm.

And, uh, get us some fags.

What?

I've run out.

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