Original subtitles

I'll, uh, uh, no.

I'll have a vodka.

What? I want a vodka with tonic water.

Why? You drink lager.

It goes straight through me.

It's supposed to go straight through you. If it stayed inside you, you'd

and then you'd hurt.

I have to say, I don't see you as a vodka and tonic kind of bloke. You're

of a...

Hi.

Sorry.

No, I'll come now.

Bye.

Got to go.

My wife's waiting outside.

See you all tomorrow.

Yeah, cheers. Bye.

Shall we have a look? At what?

His wife.

Yeah.

Have I missed something?

What's up with these two?

I went to stare at Matt's wife.

Wife? Fuck those.

Well, what shall I?

She's fucking gorgeous.

She's... She's... fucking gorgeous. You already said that.

No, he did.

You're not leaving.

I bought my round.

You don't just buy a round and piss off.

You have to keep going till we've all had enough.

Oh, sweet Virginia.

Yeah, she is a witch I have worshipped and adored.

Dream of her lips. She's clutching a sacred heart.

I can hear her calling me from afar.

I thought they'd never shut up.

Brian and Kurt banging on about Matt's wife all night.

It's like anybody cares what she looks like. I don't care what she looks like.

Although I would be quite interested to know whether this is a blonde or

brunette. Made you work with Doc. No, you're doing it too.

What? Going on and on about Matt's wife.

Can I tell you something?

It's not about me breath, me weight, me body order, me drinking. I slept with

Matt.

You slept with Matt?

Yes.

When?

Three or four times a week for the last ten months.

Really?

Yes. Any more questions?

Just one.

Why?

I suppose I'd never really thought about his wife till tonight.

I mean, I knew he'd got one, but it didn't stop me, you know.

Shagging her husband?

There was more than just shagging.

There was other stuff.

Till he dumped me.

When did he dump you? Last week.

So it's over?

It's over now.

No, you said he dumped me.

But sometimes women who say that follow up with phrases like, I think he still

wants me.

You'll realise he's made a mistake and, oh, he's dumped me again. It's over.

Good.

Wakey, wakey.

Gina.

What's all this?

Good

morning.

I found time yesterday to review the results of Bullying Awareness Week.

I'm now aware of several bullies who will be dealt with in due course.

The gang culture found in the playground must come to an end, just as it should

cease within the staff room.

Too many of you have formed into police, talking only to your friends.

To counter this, I'd like to conduct an experiment.

For one month, you'll sit in the zone denoted by the colour of your badge.

What? It's really very simple, Mr Stedman. You match the colour of the

the colour of the zone. If you have a red badge, you sit where?

In the red zone.

Very good.

I'm surprised nobody's asked about the canteen.

What about the canteen?

You may sit where you like at dinner time, but I'd urge you to eat quickly

return to your group as soon as possible. Any other questions?

Thank you.

Do I have to have bread?

Of course not.

You can be any colour you like.

What do you fancy?

Green? Yellow?

Blue? Blue, I think.

Here you go. You can have this one. When you prize it out of my cold, dead

hands.

Come a different.

It's odd, isn't it? You'd think Claire would want you in the same group,

it's not like you spend every night in a pub with each other or actually live

together.

What's his point?

Hey!

We saw your wife last night when you drove away.

And? I'd shag her.

Right. Thanks.

What did you say that for?

I thought you'd be pleased.

I love you, Stanley.

Here we go.

What the fuck's this?

Maybe we could swap with someone.

I'll swap with you.

I need blue.

Why?

Because, you know, I want to be with him.

Yeah, but I'm going through a really bad time at the moment and I need to be

with people I can talk to, who I can be myself with, who don't tell me to...

Shh! That's enough.

Yeah, but...

She made it up.

I don't care.

Mrs. Hunt wants to see you, so you're going to see Mrs. Hunter. But I'm not a

bully. Tell him. Go on, tell him. Did I ever bully you?

Did I?

You liar.

I was wondering if I could change it for something less red.

Maybe yellow.

Please?

Please! No.

I was talking to Carol.

And now you're talking to me. And I'm saying no. But I'm using a normal voice,

not squeaking like a bat.

Spit it out.

A craving.

No, it's not a craving.

You want to eat pen? Fine.

Eat your own pen.

I just want a different badge.

Is that really so much to ask?

Yes, it is.

According to my list, you're red.

I'm just obeying orders. Do you know how that makes you sound?

Calling me a Nazi will really make me want to help you. Please.

The bat squeak won't do it either.

But Liz, just tell me, what possible difference could it make? Shut the fuck

I decide what happens.

Not you, not her.

What about me?

Where do I fit into your scheme?

How can I hope to move towards a more cooperative, harmonious working

environment when you're effing and blinding at every colleague who annoys

Mr Hargreaves, two weeks ago.

Fuck off, you fucking twat.

To Mrs Bradshaw, last Tuesday.

Stick this up your arse, you fuckwit.

Why won't you fucking work, you fucking useless piece of fucking shit? That was

yesterday in the photocopy room and I've no idea who you were talking to.

That was just the machine.

There was a paper jam.

I'm sorry.

I don't think you are.

I think you will be if you don't buck your ideas up and start treating

colleagues with the respect they deserve.

I will. I really will.

I just need to make... This is about time.

What did Caleb say? Not a lot.

You look really worried. Really upset.

Great. I can't sit there with him.

Not after he... You were doing all right this morning. Didn't you feel the

tension? No.

He told me I was prettier than his wife. Now it turns out she's fucking

gorgeous. So actually, you don't feel guilty about his wife. You feel jealous

that she's better looking. No.

Don't have a go at me. I wasn't. Just because everybody else hates me. Don't

feel you have to give me a hard time as well.

Who hates you?

Liz, Kurt.

What's Kurt doing?

He told me to shut up. I was just asking if I could swap badges. I was telling

him I needed support.

I didn't tell him about Matt. He wouldn't listen. And he wouldn't swap.

And he told you to shut up? Yes.

Unbelievable.

What are you doing?

We're sitting down. I don't think so.

That's taken.

What about this one?

They're all taken.

It must be somewhere else.

She talked about badges or horoscopes.

You'll do what? I'll think of something.

So if you ask Bob really nicely, I'm sure he'll take it better than me. Maybe

he'd swap his green for a blue.

Or even a yellow.

Right, come on.

What? We're not staying here.

No, I know. Go.

See? That was because of me.

You think?

Why do they hate me so much?

Maybe it's because you... No.

What?

What do I know?

Please.

You can sometimes be just a tiny bit...

annoying.

Annoying?

That's not the right word, obviously.

Obviously? So what is the right word?

I don't know.

Tell me.

Tell me.

Self -centred.

I've had two words. I'm self -centred.

Me.

Well, what are my other thoughts?

Come on.

I'd like to know.

What else am I apart from being incredibly annoying and massively self

I'd like to take back self -centred. Thank you. And I'll just stick with

annoying. Very fucking annoying.

I don't think I am.

Do you mean I did some things that people find annoying, or is it the way I

those things that annoys people, even though the actual things themselves

aren't? It's the things that you do and the way that you do them. It's the whole

package, okay?

But I don't understand. I really can't talk about this now.

Remember to draw diagrams of what you see when you open up the abdomen.

Don't just chop up your clogs and have fun with it.

Yes. Do you find me annoying?

Right at this moment, very.

Well, what about in general? Would you say I was always annoying?

Often annoying?

Seldom? What can I say that's going to make you get out of my way the quickest?

You can say I'm hardly ever annoying.

You're hardly ever annoying.

Thank you.

It must be hard having your mum in school all the time.

Especially if she's Liz.

Do you think Kayla minds?

I hope so.

I hated it when my parents came to school.

Did they watch you teach it?

I mean when I was a kid.

I used to get really embarrassed.

What did they do?

Nothing.

But I always thought the other kids were laughing at them behind their backs.

And were they?

Well, yeah.

But only because I was laughing.

You'll be interested to hear that Bob thinks I'm hardly ever annoying.

Oh, yeah?

A bit different from what you said.

Hardly ever annoying.

His words, not mine.

Maybe so, but we're talking about a man who lives in a car.

So? So is his opinion worth listening to?

Unless he's talking about life in a car. He's still capable of... What?

Tell me the best way to sleep. In a car.

The best way to keep warm. In a car.

The best way to get drunk. In a car.

Are you still there?

It was so embarrassing.

You're so embarrassing.

Don't talk to me like that.

I'll talk to you how I want.

Can't tell me what to do. Not now I know the trouble you're in.

I've been thinking about Liz.

What? Sexual fantasies?

You were there on Carol?

No.

Liz and Penny sometimes.

Penny and Claire once, but it was horrible.

So what about Liz?

Huh?

You've been thinking about Liz?

Oh, yeah.

I've been trying to imagine what she's going to do about Temple now that Claire

says she's got to start behaving.

She'll probably start behaving.

No, she won't.

If Claire told you to stop being a lanky twat, you couldn't, could you? I can't

change that at all, eh? And you'll always be a twat, so... So?

So, what would I have to do to make Liz go mental?

That's it.

You could just turn up and that'd be enough.

You're talking about the old Liz. I'm talking about the new one. The one who's

been put on probation.

You think the new one's going to be any different to the old one?

Yes. That's my whole fucking point.

You think the new Liz will never lose her temper?

No, I'm asking, what's it going to take to make her lose her temper?

Why are you asking me?

Because you're the only one who can hear me talking.

Not if I stick my fingers in my ears.

They're not going to work.

It's really very simple.

He got it.

Eventually. Once more.

Think of some questions to ask Liz and we write them all down.

We each pick a question. We ask Liz the question we pick to see if she explodes.

If she doesn't explode, we each pick another question.

Until someone makes her lose her temper.

And that person's the winner.

You see, that's the bit I really don't get. In what sense is it a victory to

provoke the scariest woman in Bristol? You get 15 quid.

20 if you join in. What's the point of winning 20 quid if your arms have been

pulled out of the socket?

So you're not going to join? Very sure.

Actually, of course you'd turn violent.

Do you really want to find out?

I'm not scared to live.

Yes, you are. She's basically just a sad woman with problems.

You're a bit like you, really.

But you're a sad bloke with problems.

What problems?

Me or Liz? Liz, of course. We all know about your problems.

She had a very difficult childhood.

Do you actually know that?

I'm just guessing.

She seems attired.

Hi.

OK?

I've been thinking about what you said.

Me being annoying and you're right.

Of course I am.

Good night.

Hang on.

I was hoping you could tell me where I've been going wrong.

Can't you give me some advice?

I've drunk three pints of lager, two brandies and a tequila clammer. A

clammer was a mistake.

It's a touch and go if I make it to my bedroom without throwing up. I'm

certainly too pissed to give you any advice right now.

But if you want to recommend me vomit on the carpet while I talk bollocks for

half an hour, I am happy to oblige.

Bollocks and vomit or night -night? Night -night. Good choice.

Are we nearly there? What?

Are we nearly there?

Tell me, are you driving?

No, I'm not.

Fuck!

You know that's the problem.

When are you going to talk to me? Now.

I'll take one more cup of coffee and one more packet of paracetamol.

You don't belong here.

I'm sorry?

You're red. This is green.

We were just having a quick word.

You can't. You're different colours.

Does the word apartheid mean anything to you? Does the word headteacher mean

anything to you?

Yes.

Wait. Step one, you've done. You've admitted you've got a problem.

Only three more to go.

Step two, drop a list of your faults.

Step three, apologise to people you've upset in the past.

And finally, step four, stop being so annoying.

Can't I just go straight to step four?

would be very annoying.

I don't think I can do this. Fine, forget it.

Hang on.

What for? If you don't want to do it.

No, I said I can't do it.

Don't want, can't. What's the difference?

I'm just saying that it's difficult.

What's difficult about writing a list of your faults?

Are you worried you might run out of paper?

That apology bit.

You mean actually going up to people and saying I'm sorry.

No, no.

You could just tell them to fuck off and die, although some people wouldn't

regard that as a proper apology.

Don't ask me why.

Sorry to catch you in.

How do you spell hermaphrodite?

It doesn't matter how you spell it. We're not going to show Liz her

We're just going to ask them.

I'd still like to get it right.

Then why don't you use one of your computers?

To check the spelling automatically, don't you?

Yeah.

Well, go on, then.

No.

Brandon's in there.

What? On all the computers?

He'd like to have the room to himself.

You've got to stand up to that big twat one day.

I will.

But not yet.

How do you spell bestiality?

Good one.

Oh, yeah.

It was mine.

Could you write me out a list of every pupil in year eight who was off sick for

more than five days in any one term for the past three years, and let me have

that by close of play? Can you ring his parents and tell them he's going to be

excluded? I'd do it myself, but I can't be asked.

Is it true you've got no qualifications and only got this job because you slept

with one of the school governors?

Andy Harris, do you know anything about this?

If I find out you're lying, we'll go to the cinema.

Maybe have a pizza?

Mrs. Hunter, I didn't see you there.

Didn't you?

Do

you

think she didn't hear me?

Sorry?

I said, do you think she didn't hear me when I asked my question?

Why wouldn't she have heard you?

What?

I'll talk to you later.

How are we getting on?

I've made a start. Show me.

Sometimes a bit naive can be moody when tired.

That's pathetic.

Yeah, keep writing.

Oh, but I don't know what to write.

Then I don't know what to write.

How about talks like a little girl?

That's not... That's not fair.

Is it?

What about you?

You're too important to her.

Can you give me a little longer?

Please? Two more for the lift.

What?

Inappropriate physical contact.

I'm sticking chips out all the time.

You're welcome.

The police came round to watch all these questions about my dad.

And I didn't know what to say because it's never hit her before.

And I don't think he might sit here so hard this time.

I don't know.

Oh dear, that must have been awful.

Insincere and unsympathetic to other people's problems.

We need better questions.

More personal, more insulting.

Like what?

Why are you so ugly?

Yeah, that's good.

Maybe a bit too subtle.

I'll get these.

We're okay.

But I want to.

I'll have a pint of lard.

You said I normally just get the one round, but tonight I'm going to get as

drinks as you and Brian do.

I'll stay till closing time.

I'll even get you a kebab if you want one.

Now, um, what would you like? I'd like you to stand a little further away and

stop talking, please.

Try to buy other people affection.

You've never seen The Matrix?

No, why would I? Isn't it brilliant?

Well, I don't like that kind of film. How do you know what kind of film it is

you've never even seen it? I can tell.

Do you know there are 138 dates in The Matrix?

When Keanu Reeves is about to go into the oracle's house. I think I'll get

myself another drink.

And refuses to discuss anything not directly related to ourselves.

Stop it. It's true.

If other people try to talk about something which isn't you, How you feel,

you would have done when you were there. You don't want to know?

Please, I've had enough.

Oh, here we go.

I hope you've got pretend to cry all the time.

Yes, I've got that.

Do you want to see what else I've got?

Five pages?

That's without the thoughts you pointed out at the pub and on the way home.

Maybe you've been a bit overcritical.

Have a look.

Mm -hmm. Yep.

Yep. Oh, you got that. Good.

Yep. Is there anything that shouldn't be there?

Not that I can see.

Fuck. Oh, don't worry.

How bad's it been?

It seems pretty bad.

Well, I guess it is.

You just said it wasn't. I was lying.

Oh, cheer up.

Step three tomorrow.

Saying sorry to all the people you've ever offended.

which should only take, what, a week?

Oh, lighten up, for fuck's sake.

It's not easy, you know.

You can't expect me to breathe through with a big smile on my face. I am doing

my best.

And I'm going to apologise to Brian, who's going to look at me like I'm a

and ask me what I'm talking about and I'll have to explain it over and over

again very slowly till he finally gets what I'm doing.

And then I'll turn to Kurt and he'll be like, what do you apologise to him for?

And Brian will still be trying to work out what I'm doing because he's so

fucking stupid.

Have you got long -winded on your list?

that it's important.

Well, go on, then.

I'm very sorry for annoying you since I got here.

If I'm honest, I can understand why you don't like me, but I promise I'm going

to change.

I want to apologise to you for calling you a thick, northern dickhead behind

your back.

I didn't know you called me that. Hence the term behind your back.

Sorry, that sounded rude. I'd like to apologise for that last remark as well.

What is this?

Kurt... I am sorry for letting you down when I first arrived. You wanted me to

pretend to be your girlfriend. I refused, and I apologise for that lack

support. It's all forgotten.

That's very nice of you.

No, I mean I can't remember what happened.

Well, I can. I can remember everything I've ever done I ought to be ashamed of,

and I'm going to apologise to everyone affected by my past behaviour.

Why?

I always thought she was a bit, you know, the sort of person who makes

up.

Maybe she's found God.

You think she was looking?

You can find him by accident, can't you?

I wouldn't know.

Do you think if you found him, you might start saying sorry?

Me too.

Me?

Well, you know, being you.

You can't think of anything.

Yes, I can.

Wanking.

You wank too much.

How does that affect you? We're always running out of toilet roll.

And half my socks are missing.

Are you accusing me of stealing your socks, a wanking suit?

I'm just putting two and two together and... Ah, you owe me a big apology now.

Yeah, that's going to happen. I'm not buying another drink till you say sorry.

I'm going to get thirsty.

If Penny can apologise, I don't see why you can't.

Penny apologised?

What for?

She's apologising for everyone she's ever offended.

Why? He thinks she's doing the God squad.

They wouldn't have her.

She's got a list of people to save.

And my name's not at the top.

She apologised to you before me.

And me.

Right. No more Mrs Nice Guy.

Ask me a question.

Oh, yeah. Oh, Liz!

What are the symptoms of chlamydia?

Part of all of them.

I won't forget.

Penny? No apology.

Kurt, that question. Which earned him special attention with my highlighter.

Must be taking Valium on painkillers.

Thank you.

What for?

For returning promptly to your respective zones and talking to new and

colleagues. Like everyone else is doing.

Your attitude isn't helping, Mr. Dublin.

How's this my fault? Just sit down and try and make new friends.

Oh, you're right about his attitude.

I've never stolen a sock in my life.

And the toilet roll, well, you know... I don't want to talk to you.

The rest of your group does.

All right.

I'll just... All right.

Two overlapping stories.

One about incestuous romance.

And what's the second one about?

Anybody?

Could I have a word?

I'm very sorry.

Doesn't matter.

What do you want?

That is what I want.

To say sorry.

I know you had feelings for me and I used that knowledge to take liberties.

I led you on hoping that you'd give me some leeway if I pretended to like you.

I feel especially guilty if my flirting led in any way to the breakup of your

marriage.

Does your wife think that I... that you and I... No, what my wife thinks is that

I'm not good enough.

She thinks I'm an abject failure.

I'm an imitation of a man that I'm un... Yeah.

Yeah, I miss her so much.

Tell me why.

And then pretending that I wanted to spend time with you after school when I

really didn't.

Sorry.

OK.

Mind it.

What?

Mind it.

Is my apology accepted, yes or no?

Yes. Good.

I'll see you later.

Hello, good morning.

How am I supposed to organise a cover at this time of the day?

What? Well, who's going to take his lessons tomorrow?

I never spoke to him before.

I'm not even sure what his name was.

Graham Lester.

Taught math since we left Polytechnic in 1965.

Married. Two kids.

Simon and Josie.

Simon's an estate agent.

Josie... Are you making this up?

Yes. Why?

What's it matter who he was?

You didn't know him.

We didn't know him.

Now he's dead.

It really doesn't affect us. It affects me?

I've got to cover one of his lessons tomorrow.

I don't know what you think.

What about?

The one minute you're sitting quietly in the staff room, the next, you're

sitting even quieter in the staff room.

Dead. What's your point? I don't know. It's just so sudden.

He died two days ago.

Was that the smell?

No, that was Bob.

Is there going to be a whip round for flowers or something?

Yeah, I doubt it.

Excellent. I'm going to afford more drink.

Want a good tonic?

I'll try it without the tonic. What are you doing?

The less liquid per unit of alcohol, the more chance of getting home without

pissing on the pavement.

What's your problem with pissing on the pavement?

It's undignified.

He can't drink spirits.

Never could.

You think they might have put him off the vodka?

No, he enjoys a challenge.

Likes to stretch himself.

Kurt, for lack of support.

That dinner lady's calling her a stupid pygmy. Which dinner lady? The tall one.

I mean, compared to the others.

Carol, for using and abusing her.

That's that. What about Matt?

I've got nothing to apologise to that selfish bastard for.

Unless what you're saying is I should say sorry to everyone I've ever had sex

with.

Is that what you're saying?

Those two short.

Meaning? Nothing.

So what now?

Step four, stop being annoying.

Oh, it's easy for you to say, but how do I do it? You want me to tell you?

Hence the question, how do I do it? Well, for starters, I'd stop using the

phrase, hence the question.

And then I'd suggest that you don't talk about yourself all the time.

Don't touch your neck and breasts when talking to men. And don't try to

every conversation.

Do laugh at other people's jokes.

Don't try to top other people's stories.

And don't respond to every bit of news and information with, that's right, or

yes, I know.

What's up with Bennett?

What do you mean? She looks different.

Everyone else, including that viral -biting little freak, gets an apology.

The least I deserve is a couple of hours of groveling.

Have you put on weight?

Or are you wearing tighter clothes?

Look, he's over 40 when he gave birth to Kayla.

Have you ever taken up the ask?

Is she in?

Fucking... Fucking... Fucking... Fuckers.

Wrong?

Wrong? Why should anything be wrong?

The fact that I'm going to kill three people by flitting their throats with a

letter opener should on no account make you think that something's wrong.

And if you don't give me a pen in the next five seconds...

Look at

them.

Look where they're sitting.

They're back where they want to be.

They've taken off their badges.

Yes, well, I knew this would happen.

Say something.

It was never intended as a long term exercise.

I thought they were supposed to sit in their groups for a month. No, I said a

couple of days would do.

We should put the chairs back where they were.

When you say we... I mean you.

You'd like me to rearrange the furniture?

While you're doing that, perhaps you'd dispose of Mr Milligan's chair.

What's wrong with it? He passed away while sitting in it.

And you'd like me to get rid of it?

Unless you'd rather clean it. No.

I don't think I would.

Grumpy.

That's the word.

What's the point of Penny if you don't want to look at her?

I mean, you never wanted to talk to her, but you could always cheer yourself up

with a quick glance at her tits.

Now?

Have a nice chat.

The pump sends the water up to the top of the funnel from where it cascades

into a wooden bucket.

Why are you telling me this? I'm Bob.

I have a new water feature.

So? So, I want you to listen politely. You appear to be fascinated about our

water feature.

Off the boat?

Come on, then.

Let me see you looking fascinated.

That's it.

You're not suffering from heartburn or something?

No, but I still don't understand why... If you can talk to Bob, you can talk to

anyone.

Would you like to see a photograph of my new water feature?

I'll give you five out of ten. Good facial expressions, if a little forced.

But you should have been asking questions.

About fountains? Well, what the fuck can I ask about fountains? Something about

the volume of water or the flow.

The point is, you didn't ask me anything.

Well, I didn't want to know anything.

What are we doing now?

I'm going to be a barman, and I want you to buy a round of drinks without

sticking your tits out.

Who do you rather go out with?

Someone frumpy but interesting, or someone gorgeous but dull?

When you say go out with... Oh, don't do this.

What? You always have to pick away at simple questions till they stop being

simple anymore.

No, I don't. Yes, you do.

When have I ever picked away at any other question?

What, you think I keep a record of exactly what you said every time I asked

question? Just asking for examples. Well, you can't have any. Fine by me.

I'd rather go out with some gorgeous but dull. Yeah, me too.

suppose we can give them the benefit of the doubt.

Can I ask you to get the supply teacher's worksheets to the payroll

by the end of tomorrow and collate 30 copies of the parents' newsletter for

distribution at tonight's PTA meeting?

Is it possible you could ask Carol to do some of these things?

I've sent her home.

She was looking peaky.

Peaky?

Peaky. Peaky.

I need food, alcohol and the company of someone who hates the scum who work here

as much as I do.

Come on in.

You'll be fine.

Smile, listen, laugh.

Don't scowl at Matt and don't talk about yourself.

Tits in, Penny.

Carol. Fucker.

Blair. Fucking fucker. Just like Penny.

Penny's a fucking fucker, Captain Lex. Brian.

Fucker. Kurt.

Fucking fucker.

Shouldn't he be the same as Brian? Okay, they're both fucking fuckers.

If she hasn't snuck by now, she's never gonna snuck.

Do you think she's changed?

Yeah. No.

Liz has still got a temper, deep down. It's just for some reason we can't make

her lose it. I bet I could.

Yeah, I bet you could.

What's that supposed to mean? Penny.

No, I want him to tell me what he meant by that.

Well, look who's here.

I told you, didn't I?

I told you this is where we'd find them.

I want an explanation.

Why have you been asking me questions?

What questions?

These questions.

I made a note of them.

I know what you asked me.

What you asked me, what you asked me.

Can I ask a question?

What do you want?

Would you like a drink? A drink?

Yes. From you?

Yes. You want to buy me a drink?

Well, I did, but I'm beginning to wish I kept my mouth shut.

Like you kept your mouth shut when you should have been apologising to me.

I'm the one you should have come to first, not tiny cock and twat head.

You make my life a fucking misery.

You all do.

Bad enough working for a control freak, sharing a room with a boss -eyed moron,

without you winding me up every day.

Without you asking stupid fucking questions that make me want to kill you.

Especially you.

Come on, lads. I'll get home. Let me assess. Just once.

It's a great idea.

What do you want?

Oh, you were my friend.

Seems Brian's right.

Eh? About Liz.

She's never going to lose her temper.

Hang on.

That was quite funny.

Did you hear that?

It was funny.

Funny? It's never been funny before.

I mean, we laughed at her, but not because of anything she said.

You do realise that I'm actually sitting here listening to you talking about me?

Do you want a drink?

No, I'll get this.

Not that I'm trying to buy anyone's... Just go. It's fine.

Same again?

Large vodka, no ice.

I realise it's all about training my bladder.

I went to the bar two and a half hours ago.

If I don't go again till closing time, I reckon I can make it home without

needing a piss on the way. Thanks for sharing.

They laughed. They laughed because I was funny.

And because they're very drunk.

No, but I'm not annoying anymore. I've done it.

You haven't annoyed anyone tonight, I'll give you that, but it's early.

You don't think I can keep this up?

I don't know.

What if you don't get served for half an hour because you're not interested, now

you're not sticking your tits out? There's no hurry.

What if they start talking about the Matrix again?

I'd love to hear what they have to say.

And if I mention Matt's wife, his gorgeous wife, would you... Would I

You're beginning to disturb me. I'm not annoying you.

Well done.

What if...

Bob, Matt, Matt's wife, Kurt and Brian all came out to ours tonight. That's

enough. Could I have two pints of lager, one vodka, no ice. And they want to

have a party, but you're asleep. A dry white wine. Because you've got to be up

early in the morning. Two packets of cheese and onion crisp. Matt starts

shagging his wife. Two packets of salt and vinegar. And will you please shut

fuck up.

Thank you.