Original subtitles

2 .8 seconds.

Thank you and good night.

Only one question remains.

Will Kirk McCann break the four -minute barrier? I know I'm new to the sport of

pint -downing, but I'm guessing down applies to the throat, not the shirt.

I have a medical condition, which means I have trouble swallowing. I've heard

that one before.

Who's next?

Carol? You can't challenge Carol in her condition.

No, she's right.

Carol wouldn't stand a chance, and you're both women, so I guess Mr Stedman

remains undefeated for yet another night.

What about me?

We've only known each other six weeks.

That might be too soon to humiliate you.

You're afraid of losing.

Just saying.

We have a contender.

Wow.

Fuck me.

1 .3 seconds.

What can I say?

Like a true champion, he fakes his defeat with dignity and humility.

You off?

Always like to leave on a high note.

Don't argue with that.

I couldn't get a lift, could I?

OK. Only I don't fancy walking back on my own, and Lindsay doesn't look like

she's quite finished yet.

She's barely started.

But if it's going to be a hassle... Don't be silly.

Thanks. Right.

See you all tomorrow.

Got to hand it to her.

Shameless.

You should have a word with her, Linda.

I'm staying up with this.

She scrounges lifts off him all the time.

It's always the nice blokes that get taken for a ride.

Isn't it?

I'm so not happy.

Boo.

Why can't we get a bigger car?

I'm a teacher.

People get vicious if they have a big car.

Girl, Brian got beat.

Brian got beat.

Brian got beaten by a girl.

Brian got beaten. I don't think of Lindsay as a girl in the conventional

What's the conventional sense?

In the sense that I'd want to shag her.

You don't want to shag Lindsay?

Not even remotely.

You know how to make a girl feel good about herself.

I don't mean that I wouldn't shag her, only that I wouldn't want to.

I bet you use that line on all the ladies.

Don't get me wrong. This has nothing to do with you being fat. Which you're not.

You're just healthy in a large way.

It's just that very occasionally a friendship is better off without sex.

You're okay with that, aren't you?

I live.

Well, I'm so shaggy, Lindsay.

No matter how fat you are.

Or maybe not.

Someone micked it.

Why would someone mick your car? It's a heap of shit. Where the fuck is it,

then? I don't know.

Maybe you took it to the pub last night. I'd remember if I took it to the pub,

wouldn't I?

Shit. I've been shitted by everyone.

I've been shitted myself.

I've been shitted by everyone.

And everyone's been shitted by me.

Lindsay's a top bird, isn't she?

She's not like most girls.

You mean because she beat you?

No, I just... Most girls tend to find me a bit... Annoying?

The point is, I'm fine as mates with a girl, and we don't fancy each other.

But you don't fancy her more, like.

Meaning?

Work it out.

You not fancy her doesn't automatically mean she doesn't fancy you.

I've been shitted by things I've seen, and all I've learned in school.

I've been shitted by things I've seen.

How do you know? When has a girl ever done something like that?

Well, it's bound to happen sooner or later.

Look, you're just friendly.

No such thing where a bloke and a woman are concerned. Bollocks.

Trust me. If they look like they're friends, it's because one of them wants

shag. If neither of them wants to shag, there's no reason to be friends.

And if both of them want to shag...

They shag. What is up with the heat in this place?

Hi, Lindsay. Good to see you again. How are you?

Have neither of you noticed how hot it is?

What's that smell?

Smells like your vomit, Brian.

His vomit never smells that bad.

Maybe it's the canteen.

The canteen never smells that good.

You know, when you get so drunk you pass out in the car and get up the next day

without brushing your teeth or changing your socks.

Smells like when you've been doing that for a fortnight.

Morning, Bob.

Fine, thanks. Slept like a log.

Literally at the foot of the tree in a park by the looks of things.

Oh, yeah, that's very good.

Yeah, no, we've got no hot water at the moment.

Plumber's trying to fix it, but you know what it's like trying to get quality

work these days.

Trying to mean the wife crackers, but... Ah, that's marriage, isn't it, eh? Has

its ups and downs, but you mustn't... Morning,

everyone.

As the more intuitive of you will have no doubt guessed, we've reached that

point in the school calendar when the central heating comes on.

Inevitably, while it takes our technicians several days to re

themselves with the binary possibilities of a hot -cold dial, we're going to

have to sweat it out.

All I can suggest is that we be patient, open windows and drink plenty of water.

Oh, Matt, I was wondering if you'd be willing to come to me.

What was that for?

I wanted to get some sleep at work for year seven.

Really? I put you up on last night.

I could use some more.

Will five minutes be enough?

It might take longer.

I want to make sure we have time to go to the mall proper.

Ten.

Thanks. See you at three.

She hardly looked at me during the staff meeting.

If she'd have wanted to shag me, she'd have at least looked at me.

When Carol wanted to shag me, she never looked at me.

Carol's blind.

That's why she shagged you in the first place.

It's almost like Lindsay was going out of her way not to look at you.

Lindsay does not fancy me. Girls do not fancy me. I fancy them. That's how it

works. Anything else is not normal.

You said Lindsay's not a girl in the conventional sense.

You mean because she's... fat. She's not fat.

She's just...

It's the difference.

Adam Grint. Now, he's fat.

Oh, he is so fat.

Plus, he's going bald.

No way. Seriously.

How can you

go bald? Are you all right?

I have a vision deficiency.

How can you be deficient in anything?

Why would Lindsay fancy me just because she was fat?

Kurt's theory of fat birds.

The fatter a bird, the more likely she is to fancy me.

That makes no sense.

And it's politically, you know, that thing with dwarves. Incorrect.

Imagine if women went around not fancying you because you were short.

They don't fancy me.

Not because of your height, though.

Because you're a wanker.

Think about it. The fatter a girl is, the less men fancy her.

The less likely she is to get laid, the lower her standards, the more likely she

is to fancy Brian.

All right, it makes some sense.

But just because she can fancy me in theory doesn't mean she does.

Well, don't say I didn't warn you. And don't come crying to me when she sticks

her tongue in your mouth and goes.

You know the way you just sat there all lesson with your mouth open?

Please try to keep my clothes. It's making me feel sick.

Is that the Middle East?

Take your time.

Fuck me.

It's a diagram.

It's huge.

It's such a scale.

You're a biology teacher, aren't you?

The diagram gives it a wink.

So, what's your ideal fish?

I don't have an ideal fish.

Although my favourite's probably the sardine.

Really? Can't be easy, being so small. All those sharks.

Plus being squashed. In fairness, I think the squashing only happens once

they're in the tin.

And what's your ideal man?

I'm a traditional girl, so I'd have to say the whale. Is that because he's so

mysterious? No, but he's fat and bone idle, and I respect that in any

He's at the top of the food chain.

No one eats whales.

I think the Japanese do, don't they?

And what would your ideal man be like?

Well, judging from past experience, the kind of man I really go for is lazy,

adolescent and selfish in bed.

It's uncanny.

I'm not selfish in bed.

Not exactly Mother Teresa.

Was Mother Teresa good in bed?

She was generous in most areas. Why wouldn't she extend to the veterans?

She was a nun.

She was?

What the mother stands for.

Typical. And even if I was selfish in bed, how could Lindsay possibly know?

Lucky guess.

The terms lazy, adolescent and selfish in bed could just as easily apply to

There couldn't be a less accurate description of me.

Liz, which one of us does lazy, adolescent and selfish in bed apply to?

Brian. Thank you. Kurt would be lazy, selfish and adolescent in bed.

I'd rather be adolescent in bed than selfish.

No way.

Selfish means I could be good in bed if I could be hard.

Adolescent?

That's like trying your hardest, you're just not up to it.

Matt, which is better?

Selfish in bed or adolescent in bed?

Depends on the occasion.

What are you doing to Bob? We're conducting an experiment to see whether

who are asleep piss themselves if you put their hands in warm water.

I think it's work.

Before you go.

How do you know when a woman fancies you? In what sense?

You know how normally if you fancy a woman, you try and persuade her to go to

bed with you?

Sometimes she does, but most of the time she tells you to sod off.

What happens if she fancies you instead?

Well, usually she'll just flirt with you.

Flirt? You know, flirting.

It's how women get men to seduce them.

So what does flirting look like, exactly?

She'll run her hand through her hair occasionally.

Sustain eye contact.

Brush her body against you intermittently.

Like during sex?

A bit more subtle.

You know.

Like this.

That's flirting.

You look like Penny.

Penny. That's what Penny does. You know, when she tries to get you to do

something you don't want to do.

Like now.

Not what she's doing with Mr. Chung.

If you didn't know Mr. Chung, you'd think she was gagging for you.

Penny's never flirted with me. Penny flirts with everyone. What about last

night? She asked for a lift. You weren't sure. She batted her eyelids. You

rolled over like a poodle.

If she did flirt with me, I wasn't aware of it.

Because you're married.

Exactly.

Fucking hot.

Ah.

And I didn't think you smoked.

I don't.

The only excuse Chloe will accept for me spending five minutes outside like a

sauna.

Get home eventually last night?

I did, yes.

Once you'd given Penny a lift?

She only lives five minutes away. She can walk.

It's not as though you're even going in the same direction.

I don't mind.

You don't want people thinking she's walking all over you.

Do they think that?

But we all know what Penny's like.

She has a way of getting people to do things which aren't in their best

interest.

Just a lift.

Always is.

Oi! Pass it, you squat!

So, let's look at the facts.

We know you're her type.

We know she likes you enough to call you a wanker.

We know she's fat.

Couldn't that all just be coincidence, though?

You're right.

What we need is our smoking gun.

That vital piece of evidence that places you at the scene of the crime.

What crime?

The crime of passion that is Lindsay fancies Brian.

But then again, as long as you're happy living with the uncertainty, jump in

every time she brushes against you, you won't want to hear my plan.

Have you got a plan?

It's called the Does She Fancy You Plan.

That's a shit name.

You just made it up.

All right.

What about the...

Flush her out plan?

Didn't we already use that for the plan with the big floater in the back?

That was the flush him down the pan plan.

Now that was a name.

That was a plan.

Get up, you big day baby!

There.

How would you describe Cleopatra?

Anyone?

Robin.

Well, just say the first thing that comes into your head.

You mean because she has an affair with Anthony, who's married?

He messes her about. But he's in love with Cleopatra.

Why else would he sacrifice everything for her?

The point is that Shakespeare creates a truly modern heroine. A woman who is

both independent and sexually in control.

So why does she kill herself?

The exercise of sexual attraction is the element of Cleopatra's life.

What does Mr. Bradley mean by this?

What else?

She's a slapper, isn't she?

She most certainly is.

Can I talk to you in private?

Oi, fuck off.

I should warn you, enough good and good stations are in thick.

I've recently started worrying that I'm not attractive.

You know, that there's something...

physically or mentally wrong with me that puts women off.

Really?

Nothing specific.

Just that generally women don't go for me.

And, well, I started to wonder if it was something about me.

So I thought I'd ask you what you thought as a friend.

Well, you're not perfect, Brian, but then you're not hideous either.

Really? Everybody's got something about them that appeals to someone somewhere.

So you don't think there's anything I should change to make myself more

attractive to birds?

Apart from calling them birds.

Exactly.

Trouble is, you change one thing and the whole thing starts to unravel.

You're better off just making the most of your best qualities.

Which are?

Off the top of me head.

Take your time.

You're tall.

Handy for changing light bulbs when you can't be arsed to fetch the step ladder.

Anything else?

You down a pint in three seconds?

2 .8. There you go.

Got all the good quality.

Right, she bantered me. All along she's been gagging for it.

I told you.

There I was thinking she was my first proper girlfriend.

A friend who's a girl, friend.

When it turns out, she's just a... A friend who really wants a shad friend.

That's not to say you still can't be mates.

I can.

Sure.

As long as you don't mind the fact that she's only being your mate because she's

biding her time, waiting for the opportunity to... I'll never know if

getting drunk with me because she wants to get me drunk.

I'll never know if she's burping and... Throwing up and spitting and passing out

with her head in a pizza because she really wants to. Or if it's just all an

act.

What about Susan?

I shagged her. Didn't stop us being proper friends.

Susan wasn't really your friend, though, was she? She's many fine friends.

What do I do?

There's only one thing you can do.

I can't tell her I don't fancy her.

Make her not fancy you.

How?

I... Making yourself unattractive.

I'm not sure I know how to do that.

Just do what ugly people do.

What do ugly people do?

Grint!

How come no one fancies you?

Don't know. Well, can't it be more specific?

Hands up who doesn't fancy Grint.

Kayla, why don't you fancy Grint?

Don't know.

Is it because he's bald and fat?

Pardon me?

There's more wrong with him.

No, it's just...

Apparently

he's

disgusting and he's got all these bad habits.

What kind of habits?

You could try birthing in front of her.

That's never going to work. I'm an awesome birther.

I hold the record for the most number of burped in 24 hours without the

assistance of carbonated drinks.

Now, what we need is something that makes me look less attractive.

Look! What is that?

The photocopier.

What's wrong?

Just be careful.

I agree.

Let's not take any unnecessary risks.

Do anything that might get us caught.

I agree.

No, you're right. It has to be the feeder train.

Not again.

Matt, quick question.

What is the best way for a man to be unattractive to a woman?

Are you the divine? Called a wife?

Let's say you haven't got a wife.

Or even a girlfriend.

You just want to be unattractive for the sake of it. You're talking to the wrong

man. What about you, Penny?

What do you find most unattractive in a man?

In your case.

Or generally.

Or Matt, for instance.

What is it that stops you from wanting to shag him?

Apart from his wife.

I don't necessarily find having a wife makes a man...

Unattractive? Just unavailable.

What I find most unattractive is men who go on about tits and football in the

size of their genitals the whole time.

And who get turned on by simple things.

Like a woman.

Talking.

Slowly.

Keep going.

I just like a bit of sophistication. Not a lot, but some.

Thanks.

Let's move out.

Why were they going on about my wife?

No idea.

Where were we?

What if someone comes in? Someone did just come in.

What if someone comes in again?

What are the chances of that?

I don't know whether to staple them or paperclip.

Paperclip would allow you to file the pages in a ring binder.

But then you run the risk of them coming apart.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

No, no, not at all.

Actually, we're having an illicit affair in the photocopying room.

She's joking.

I was just helping out with some copying. How long will you be? About

minutes?

A bit longer.

Back in ten.

Do you think she's picked up on something?

If you don't want people to be suspicious, stop acting so suspiciously.

easier said than done.

I've got a wife and kids, remember?

So?

So I've got a lot to lose.

What? And I haven't.

You'd be more careful in your condition.

Bob, can you hold the ladder for Carol?

I don't know if I can do this.

You've never had a problem before.

I've never had to do it deliberately before.

Just be yourself.

Then add more wanker to the mix.

Coming down to the pub for a quickie?

Quick what?

Shag. Why else would we go to a pub?

For a pint.

We can have one of those too, if you like.

I'm only going for a pint.

Well, I guess I'll have to do.

See you there.

She knows.

She knows what? She knows that you know she fancies you. That's why she's moving

in.

I'd be surprised if she doesn't try and shag you this evening.

You up for a drink?

Just a quick one. Don't stay out too late. Oh, yeah, tell me about it.

Yvonne's probably cooked me a meal, bless her, but sometimes it's good to go

and have a quiet drink with your colleague.

Stop you getting complacent.

Yeah, when a man's married, you're going well. It's very easy to neglect other

parts of your life.

Yeah, I mean, spending...

Time apart can be just as important as spending time together.

I mean, things might not always be going so smoothly, so it's good to know that

if ever that happens to be the case, that you've got friends that you can

back on.

Oh, I'm so dehydrated.

The whole day I felt like I didn't want to get sick face the night before.

You did get sick face the night before.

What's wrong?

There's something you should know.

Something that will put you right off.

Really?

Go on then, what is it?

It's... What?

Brian reckons he has a tiny knob.

Diggs want to know one.

He's right.

I have a small... Tiny? Not tiny, small.

And it's started to bother me. Oh, you shouldn't worry. I mean, that kind of

thing really doesn't matter.

Have you got a small knob too, Bob? No.

But I've got that.

But I have my fair share of experience when it comes to women.

Please, Bob, I'm eating.

And if she's the kind of woman who's going to leave you if she's not

in the bed, he thought, well, she's the kind of woman you can do without.

Isn't that right, Matt?

No idea, Bob.

You've always took me as someone who was well home.

Not anymore.

As a chug?

No.

It's only just occurred to me.

For years I've been thinking it was bigger than it actually was, but then I

realised that this was only because I was looking down on it from up here.

Which is why we decided to measure it.

We being?

We took the decision together.

But Brian was the only one present at the actual measuring.

Not very scientific.

If anything, doesn't it look smaller when you're looking down on it?

It is wise.

But I've always been overcompensating.

I've always imagined it looked small because I was looking down on it.

But turns out it was just tiny.

Small? What?

Smaller than good?

Fuck off.

It's all about the way you use it anyway.

Oh, that's the other thing.

He's shit with it.

Does that bother you?

Not really.

In fact, I appreciate your honesty.

Sorry it doesn't change your opinion of me.

If anything, it reinforces a few of my preconceptions.

That's pleasant.

Terrible. So you find me unattractive when I burp? Please, that wasn't a burp.

That was a burp.

It's no good.

Whatever I do, whatever I say, no matter how much of a dickhead I am, I'm

irresistible. It's like I'm Ricky Martin.

You've got no option.

You've got to shag her.

What?

Like, aversion therapy.

Get it all out of her system once and for all.

And what if she likes it?

She will like it.

Really? Fat girls love sex.

They have lower standards because they don't get it as much.

But she's still going to feel disgusted as soon as it's over.

She'll definitely regret it.

So she won't come back for more?

When's that ever happened to you?

You're right.

Just look on the bright side.

Get a shag.

I'm going to make a move.

I couldn't get a lift, could I?

I'm kind of in a rush.

I'm ready to go.

Just that your flat's not even in the same direction.

It's a five -minute walk.

So walk.

Don't say you didn't have it coming.

What? You've been taking advantage of him for weeks.

He was bound to put his foot down eventually.

It's only a lift.

You shouldn't use people if you're going to whinge every time they stand up to

you. Fuck off.

Right, I'll get the next round then, shall I?

Come on, who's up for a big night, eh?

See you tomorrow, everyone.

Not for me, Bob. I might grab a curry and go home. Are you up for that,

You said the magic word. Give me 30 seconds.

Liz.

Sorry, Bob.

Looks like I'll be joining you three for that curry then.

Go and get us a pint, Bob. Good on you.

The things I do for you.

Are you sure this is what Lindsay wants?

Of course.

I bet she's buying condoms right now.

What? Did we take his bike to mine?

Oh, we just did it here off the pavement.

Really? No.

This is fun, isn't it?

I can't remember the last time I had so much fun. Bob, shut the fuck up.

Not you.

Ask them if they can deliver the pub.

What kind of pizzas do you have?

Or can't you list them?

Well, list the best ones, then.

What's your favourite?

No! I hate anchovies.

That sounds OK.

Hang on, Bob.

I'll just have a margarita.

You can't have a margarita.

You've got no personality.

I'll get you the one with the egg.

Can we have the one with the egg?

Well, most places do.

She hung up.

Strangest thing happened earlier.

Kurt and me were imagining what would happen if there was a nuclear war and...

You and me were the only two surviving members of the human race.

Certainly strange, but then nothing really surprised me about your

with Kurt.

I haven't got to the strange part yet.

Carry on.

So, Kurt asks me, bearing in mind we're the last two people on Earth, if

I'd shag you.

I thought about it and thought, why not? I'd be up for shagging you if it meant

the survival of the human race.

I'm flattered, Brian.

but I doubt whether the race that survived would be entirely human.

And then I thought, what if there was no nuclear war?

What if we weren't the only two people left on the surface of the Earth?

Let's cross that bridge when we get to it, eh?

But just supposing, I asked myself if I'd still be up for shagging you, and I

thought, fuck it.

Why not?

This really was a strange conversation, even by your standards.

So...

So?

So, you know what this means.

Give her the clue.

Think about it.

There isn't actually a nuclear war.

Not just at the moment.

And?

And, therefore, you can shag me.

I don't want to shag you.

I don't mind.

I had my doubts when we were the last two humans on Earth.

Now there's another six billion to choose from, I'll have to say no.

I thought you fancied me.

What gave you that idea?

All that stuff you said about your ideal man being lazy and adolescent.

And when I asked you if I was attractive, you said I was perfect. I

were tall and knew how to down a pint.

Where did you get perfect from?

I was reading between the lines.

This explains why I've been behaving oddly all day.

Listen, if I led you on in any way or gave you any reason, I hope you stood a

chance. I'm sorry.

I don't fancy you.

I was just saying all that because I thought you fancied me and I didn't want

you to feel bad.

Whatever.

You don't believe me. Come on, Brian, you fancy me, big deal. You fancy

now. Shut up and eat your curry.

Ask Kirk. I don't fancy you.

Have you had sex yet?

Shut the fuck up, I'm sorry.

Who the hell are we?

I'm going to take a jumper. I'm not making that mistake again.

I can't believe you didn't remind me to remember my car.

I forgot.

Don't see why you're in such a bad mood.

It's always the way, isn't it? Whenever I'm in a bad mood, you've got to be in a

bad mood.

You can't be in a good mood just once when I'm in a bad mood, can you? I'm in

bad mood because of what happened between you and Lindsay. That's my

being in a bad mood.

So? Get your own reason. If Lindsay doesn't fancy you, it means my theory of

girls is bollocks.

Bollocks anyway.

The fact that Lindsay doesn't fancy you means that fat girls aren't desperate.

And if fat girls aren't desperate, it means I can't necessarily pull them,

means I no longer have a fallback plan. You'll have a fallback plan. In case no

one else fancies me. No one else does. It's why I'm in a bad mood.

A child, for example.

The only reason I stopped shagging her was because I thought I could do better.

No, you stopped shagging her because she was a minger.

Yeah, but she was my minger. I think your little baby minger she's carrying.

Don't even joke about that.

You know it's mathematically impossible for me to be the father of that child.

Yeah, but we thought it was mathematically impossible you'd ever get

Morning, Kurt. Morning, Brian.

Oh, I've just remembered. I've got to get that thing.

What thing?

The thing.

With the thing from the thing.

What thing with the thing from the thing? I can't remember the word for it.

it out.

Wigwam. How is that, a wigwam? Tall and fancy.

Looked like a wigwam to me. Why would I have forgotten a wigwam?

I've never had a wigwam.

Not since I was 15, anyway.

Liz, do you know what Brian's talking about?

Rarely. He can't remember the word for the thing with the thing from the thing.

I think... Brian's probably trying to avoid talking to someone.

So he's attempting to come up with an excuse to leave.

I think I might have dropped it over there. Excuse me.

What's he done this time? Tried to jump me last night.

The moment Brian doesn't try to jump you, that's when a girl should worry.

Has he ever jumped you?

No.

He's telling everyone.

I'll be a laughing stock.

This is all your fault.

You and your stupid plans.

And more importantly, what are we looking for?

What was the thing?

What thing?

The thing you forgot.

There never was a thing. I was making it up.

Why didn't you make up something you could remember?

I couldn't think of anything that would be completely believable.

Why? I was a bit prickly.

No, you weren't.

But I think you did the right thing, not giving me a lift.

Good.

It's just that sometimes I forget that you've got a wife and stuff, and I

be a bit more cautious.

Listen, I'll speak to you later, all right?

I don't see what the problem is. Lindy doesn't fancy you. Yeah, but this is

worse. She thinks I fancy her.

So? You fancy everyone.

Not Lindy.

This is the first time someone's ever thought of fancying them when I haven't.

I don't care if someone thinks of fancying them when I do, but when I

well, it's embarrassing.

You do know this radiator isn't working.

Morning,

everyone. The good news is that maintenance have finally managed to turn

heating off.

The bad news is that they can't get it back on.

Until they crack that elusive mathematical conundrum that is room

I'm going to have to ask you once again to bear with us.

Wrap it warmly.

Drink plenty of tea.

Thanks for telling me not to bring a jumper.

No one asked you to copy me.

Did you get your thing?

Hello, Lindsay.

Yes, thanks.

Nice to hear it.

Aren't you cold?

I'm fat, remember?

Did you see that?

Seems fine.

She's behaving as though nothing happened.

Maybe she's just trying to be your friend. I don't want to be friends with

someone who's only trying to be friends with me because she thinks I fancy her.

Jesus.

It's like being ugly or something.

Have I been fancy?

Lindsay thinks I fancy her. Why does she think that?

After you left the pub, he told her he wanted to shag her.

I never said I wanted to. I said I was prepared to. I can see how some

might arise.

You get home all right last night? Yeah, eventually. Get in trouble with her

wife? I did, yeah.

She waited up for me, bless her.

Couldn't sleep, she was so worried.

Had a blazing rant, of course.

Ah, you'll be fine.

She's hardly going to leave you, is she?

What are you saying?

Well, she's not going to leave you just because you come home late one night.

Why would she leave me?

I don't know.

If she found your collection of porn.

Or if you spilt wine on the carpet, then burnt a massive hole in it because you

were trying to get rid of the stain with bleach. Oh, fuck off. Or maybe not

because of anything you've done, but just because finally, after so many

you're so fed up with you being bold and boring, she ran off with the first

bloke who knocked on the door. Oh, fuck you!

Something wrong?

As if you don't know.

As if you all don't know. As if I don't know that you all know. And what you're

saying behind my back.

Oh, she's left me there. I've said it.

He's satisfied Yvonne has left me.

She's booted me out of the home with nothing but the shirt on my back to

up with the fucking satellite installation man. And now she is fucking

she won't even let me in to take a fucking shower.

So, fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck the lot of you.

Bob's wife's got a satellite.

You around later?

If I could do some help in the library.

I can't.

There's something wrong, because if there is, I'd prefer it if you just told

I think we should cool things down.

Okay.

Permanently.

This was only ever meant to be a bit of a laugh.

And lately we've started taking risks, and I don't even want to risk taking

risks. We've been doing this for nearly ten months, and it's only just occurred

to you that cheating on your wife might involve some element of risk.

That's very astute of you.

There's no need to be sarcastic. Well, why don't you tell me what you want me

say, and I'll say it.

Fine. I'd like you to say something like, thank you, Matt, for being

with me. Although I've enjoyed myself, I appreciate that this was only ever

about the sex and that this moment was inevitable.

Well, I'd like you to say, I've got a job in Africa starting tomorrow.

Clearing minefields.

So, do you think you'll still be feeling like a slut this evening? I don't know.

Owen, if you're not going to come to the pub, I'd like to know in advance. Why

do we have to talk about the pub so early in the morning?

We always talk about the pub this early. Yeah, well, not today.

Can't even look at Lindsay.

So don't look at her.

I'm not sure if I'm ever going to go to the pub again.

Don't go to another pub.

It won't be this day.

Hello, Lindsay.

Hello, Kit.

Deb, something I should tell you. Okay.

Quite personal.

You don't fancy me as well, do you? No, not that.

Although I do a bit.

Enough of shaggy, if you ever want. No pressure.

I'll bear that in mind.

You may have noticed Brian's been behaving a bit strangely all morning.

Has he?

That stuff with the thing. Oh, you mean the wig one?

Turns out it wasn't really a wigwam. Just kidding.

He was making it up.

Only one question remains. Why didn't he make up something he could remember?

Well, that's what I said.

It turns out he was embarrassed because he made a huge knob of himself in front

of you last night. I tried putting it in perspective and telling him he's always

making a huge knob of himself, but I think he needs you to say something.

I wouldn't want to undo all of your good work.

See, the thing is, he doesn't actually fancy you.

The only reason he asked you to go to bed with him was because...

I told him that you fancied him and he was worried it might ruin your

if you didn't.

Right.

Could you try and do it sooner rather than later because I'd like to sort out

who I'm going to the pub with this evening.

Of course.

And his first thought was to behold his love.

He cast his eyes into the tree above only to see that Damien...

had addressed his wife in ways that cannot be expressed.

There's something wrong, Michelle.

Do you think it's amusing to find out your wife's having an affair?

It's his own fault.

The poor man is blind.

But isn't his blindness metaphorical? He married a woman who wasn't in love with

him for the wrong reason.

He loved that woman, and she screwed him!

Just like Delilah screwed Samson, just like Desdemona screwed Othello, just

all women throughout literature always screw men.

Desdemona didn't betray Othello, did she?

Do you know why?

Because he got to her first!

Nice kit.

On the board.

Are you OK about last night?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I take that kind of thing on the stride.

I was pissed.

I can hardly remember what happened.

You asked me for a shag.

Really?

It's all right. I know you don't fancy me.

Really? I know you well enough to know when you fancy someone.

For a start, you'd be looking at me tits the whole time.

You're right.

Although I do look at them occasionally, just to make sure they're still there.

Thanks. By the way...

As a friend, I think they're one of your best features.

And you can stop looking at them now?

Sorry. Kurt told me what really happened.

So Kurt told you to come and talk to me? He asked me to put you out of your

misery.

Something tells me if you did fancy me, you wouldn't retch.

Show Kurt, go on.

Please, I'll pay you. A girl likes to make tea and... I'll show you mine if

show me yours.

Not the first time you've used that line, is it, Kurt?

Are you up already?

Right, so... Go on, we're waiting.

For what?

I'm sure you're not going to leave without at least one attempt to

blackmail Matt into giving you a lift.

Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going to walk.

Tell you what, I'll show you mine anyway.

You have the strangest belly button I've ever seen.

Sure that's not his penis?

Very easy to confuse.

How come you're so scrawny, Ken?

High metabolism.

Why's he got such a tiny willy?

I, on the other hand... I'm a fat bastard. ...have a huge knot. OK, I'll

you. On the condition I never have to see either of your stomachs ever again.

I'm flattered.

Brian said it was really, really disgusting.

I knew it.

Kurt likes fat girls. I told you he was a freak.

I just don't see what's wrong with a bit of fat.

Nothing better than a woman you can hold on to.

No offence.

Fuck you.

So that's why you shag Liz?

No, I shag Liz because she was drunk.

Though the fat was a bonus.

I'm nowhere near as fat as Lindsay.

No offence.

Yes, you are.

It's just more compact with you.

Like tether dancing.

There's only one way to settle this.

Take your hand off me.

Come on, Liz. Let's have a look.

Hey!

Come on, then, again.

There it is.

Come on!

What the fuck is that?

Lying!

away. Go away.

Go away.

Go away.

Let's look.

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