Original subtitles

Got it.

I'd shag Penny and die.

Penny's not here, so it doesn't count. Only those who survived the plane crash,

i .e. us.

All right, then.

I'd eat Brian and shag Jenny.

You'd eat me? You kid.

You either eat Jenny and live or shag her and die. I'd shag her and die.

Obviously, I'd have to be in a coma to let you come anywhere near me.

Whatever.

Alex, hi.

He's away for the week.

Where did he go?

On a call to discovery within herself.

Probably naked.

Yeah, Kurt does that. Only it's called wanking.

Whose car is it?

JP's. What about Kurt?

I thought I'd eat him, obviously. Yeah, but it'd be like eating that midget off

Fantasy Island.

Won't keep you going for long.

Fuck off.

If you're going to survive a plane crash, you'd want a fat bastard like

Keep you going for days. Forget the plane crash.

Kill Bob, anyone.

Why, what's he done to you?

Nothing, except make my working life a misery.

You mean he makes you work?

Shh. She's supposed to be the one that takes the piss out of me, aren't you?

I'm having a night off.

Maybe I should change my name to Penny.

I think a lot of you do. No, you look like more of a corny.

All I have to do is take my dick out and I get away with anything.

That's unfair.

Penny doesn't stick her tits out.

They stick out by themselves.

I've just got a point.

What did we used to talk about before Penny and her tits came along?

Her tits in general. There is more to Penny than her tits, you know. Is there?

All I'm saying, what do you mean I look more like a corny?

And she don't know.

He's got her best friend on the phone.

She'll wash her hair, his dirty clothes.

All he gives to her.

And he's got posters on the wall.

All girls, which one?

And she means everything to her, her boyfriend.

It's Friday night. It's Friday night.

It's Friday night. It's Friday night.

It's Friday night.

Just to let you know, we're up to chapter seven. Chapter seven of... The

Mockingbird.

Right. Well done.

You haven't got a clue what I'm talking about, have you? Yeah.

No.

I'm with Jenny this morning. You're taking my class.

But I've got a free period.

It's time to go to Asia today.

Sorry, Sam. Is this going to be a problem for you?

No, it's absolutely fine.

Since when has this been here?

She started teaching, yeah?

You've got to hand it to her. Ten to nine Monday mornings. She's started

already.

She's started what?

She's just being friendly. Oh, Brian, you're so sweet.

False tip, false personality.

See? She'd use anyone to get what she wants. Ask Carol.

I thought Carol worshipped her. She does.

Though I'm trying to get her to say no to Penny in a firm but polite way.

That may probably include the words piss off.

Selfish and cow.

Just a couple of things to update you with.

Firstly, we have new stock coming in. Thanks largely due to Jeremy Stephens

collecting over 2 ,000 crisp packets in the school equipment promotion.

Greedy fucker.

Secondly, in response to an issue raised at the last PTA, I've been looking at

initiatives to improve pupil -teacher relations.

It struck me that some pupils may have a specific problem that they feel unable

to go to their personal tutor with.

Something that they'd feel easier talking about with another member of

Which is why I've decided to introduce an open surgery or an open door policy

just for this week.

Pupils from any year can choose to see any member of staff if they feel the

to. Sometimes you really feel that she's on our side.

Unless anybody has a problem with that.

No, it's a really good idea.

Good. There was something, Claire.

When are we supposed to have these open surgeries?

Break times, free periods, lunch hours.

Well, obviously, I'm not expecting you to give up all of your free time. Oh,

that's a relief, then.

So, everyone happy?

Well... Well, there's absolutely no point in you giving me this now. I

earlier. It's just not good enough.

What's up?

I've got...

Don't worry.

I'll cover lunch for you if you can.

Hi. Okay, chapters five and six. You've covered metaphorical intention with

them, haven't you? Yes.

Although I'm not sure they took it in. It's difficult sometimes. There's so

stuff to cram into one lesson.

Maybe it's the way you set out your lesson plan. Can I see it?

Sure.

Oh, God, there's so much junk in here.

Sit. I think I've left it in my drawer.

Sorry, Jenny. Can I give it to you later?

OK, let's move on to interpretation.

How does Scout compare to other female protagonists in literature?

What did you do on that?

Well, I think I tackled the main points, although I wasn't sure whether to start

with 20th -century characters or maybe that's too obvious.

No, I don't think so.

It's just trying to approach it in a way that gets them interested immediately.

Is there a secret to it?

If there is, I'm sure I haven't discovered it. I wouldn't say that from

in on your lessons.

Have you always been so confident?

No, I'm actually really very timid.

You're just saying that to make me feel better, aren't you?

Yes.

So how do I get to at least appear as confident as you?

OK, let's think.

Frightening them to death so they're in absolute fear of you forever is always a

good starting point.

Right, come on, shut it.

OK.

Write down the answers to the questions on the board without talking.

I should say it's the end of the lesson.

Have fun.

I don't think we've done this bit.

Maybe you were asleep when we never went through it. No.

You told her to read stuff.

She didn't have to go through it with us.

But she has plenty of questions for chapters five and six.

Okay,

let's go back to chapter five.

Jem and Bill.

Which one's Jem again?

That's so funny.

You weren't joking, were you?

Yes, I wouldn't do that.

Thanks, Ricky.

I take it he was being sarcastic.

I've got some good stuff with him this morning.

Does that mean you've ruined all the good stuff Penny's done with him? What

stuff?

Have you just been your usual childlike self, or are you trying to make a point?

No, I'm not trying to make a point, but now you mention it, I've thought of more

in one lesson than Penny has also.

Yeah, right.

It's true, she's even more crap than I thought.

She's not that bad.

She makes...

Mean, not good. And you're such a perfect role model.

It's the learning, I don't think.

Penny doesn't need to be teaching him anything. She hasn't covered half the

stuff she's supposed to have done.

Yes, she has.

I'm her mentor. I said no.

Or are you trying to say I can't do my job properly?

No, what's good is for you.

You are, aren't you? You're implying I've neglected it. I'm not implying

anything. Mind you, it can't be easy keeping on top of everything, doing your

job, which you do very well, exceptionally well, and being a mentor.

So you're saying I'm incapable of doing two jobs?

Penny was that far behind. I think I'd have spotted it by now. Okay, if you

think you've done such a fantastic job, well, then fine. I'll leave you to it.

Penny? You would tell me, wouldn't you, if you had a problem? I mean, with your

English class?

Yeah, of course. Why?

It's just that Simon got the impression they were quite far behind in their

coursework.

I didn't realise an NQT was supposed to produce a class full of geniuses. Maybe

I should apologise to him. He wasn't criticising you. He was concerned.

Which made me concerned.

I'm trying my best.

It's not that easy sometimes.

One or two can be really disruptive.

Who?

Ricky Sharp can be a nightmare sometimes.

Can he?

Maybe he's just like that with me because I'm you.

I'll let you get on with open surgery.

Well, if it's a problem, I'll ask Kurt to have a word with him. He's in his

tutor group.

I don't really want to make an issue of it. No, you can't let him get away with

it. Leave it with me.

Up to you, Jason.

I suppose it comes down to freedom of choice.

Though it's up to you if you want to buy your own shin pads.

Was there anything else apart from hockey you wanted to ask me?

Why is the sky blue?

Good question, mate.

Unfortunately, we're out of time.

Sorry,

Kayla. Bit pushed for time.

You can see me tomorrow, is that?

Why would I want to see you? I'm going to see Mrs. Gately.

Normally I wouldn't be asked, but they really found me to get my tits.

Right.

Who are?

My mum and dad.

Right, yeah.

Parents.

I could give you some advice, but I think there's someone else you should

to first. She's excellent at this sort of stuff.

Thanks, Mrs. Diggity.

That's all right. I left it to Peter.

Fucking open fucking surgery.

Don't get enough time to eat.

You think we should get Carol to translate?

You know, JP's a crafty git, volunteering to do lunch duty.

Fuck you, Al.

JP's volunteered to do something.

Yeah, but he gets out of doing open surgery.

And he gets paid for it.

Oh, yeah.

Bastards. Why do I always get the manic depressive suicide, little fuckers?

You're lucky.

Was it worth me asking you to explain that last statement?

Well, all I get is questions about globes or atlases or fucking shin pads.

I thought I'd get something a bit more, you know, challenging.

Oh, I'm sure you'll get a suicidal little freak soon.

I don't want you to think that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, but

did upset me a bit.

Yes, I'm sure.

It just...

If Simon's going to say something about my teaching methods, then I'd rather he

said it to my face than behind my back.

I doubt he did it on purpose. It's probably just a casual remark.

It's not the impression I got from Jenny.

I'm sure they're in breach of the NUT Code of Professional Conduct. Not that

want to let my union rep know.

No, I can understand you not wanting to go down that route.

You'd still have to work together.

Not easy once a hostile atmosphere's being created.

Do you think I should have kept this to myself?

No, no, you did the right thing in coming to see me. But like I say,

we wouldn't want to stir up any animosity, so it's probably better if I

have a quiet word with Simon.

To be honest, I would have brought this up with Jenny, but she's been so busy

with open surgery this week.

I'm sure the last thing she needs right now is being a mentor to me.

Well, if she can't see you, I don't mind helping out.

Just for this week. But you're busy yourself.

I'm sure I can fit you in. Look, I've got to see Claire in a minute. Why don't

we set aside some time tomorrow?

Thanks, Bob.

As long as you don't mind being stuck with a boring old git like me. You're

exactly tottering on a Zimmer frame.

Anyway, it makes a change to talk to somebody who's a bit more mature than

Brian, Kurt and Simon.

Yes, that's not too difficult, is it?

Well, if it bothers you that much, why don't you volunteer to take over

playground duty?

I will. So will I.

Play no choose, my dear.

No complicated questions, not after the day. In fact, no -one asked me anything

ever again.

There you go, then.

Decision made for you.

I went to cheese and then... Your favourite pupil from Year 7 is about to

in open surgery tomorrow.

Taylor?

Why is she coming to you and not me?

No idea.

Do you think there's something wrong with her?

You really don't want me to answer that, do you?

I can talk about personal stuff.

I can be sympathetic.

I can be approachable.

It can't be. No way.

I'm kidding.

Bob!

Where's Starsky?

He's in the taxi.

You don't think you'll like the overdoing a bit on the swimboat, Bob?

That's my natural colouring. Oh.

What's all this tonight, then?

Nothing.

You look great, Bob.

Really.

I'll let Claire know you're covering again.

Thanks, Liz.

Too late.

He's beaten you to it.

If Ken's off tomorrow, you can't cover for him again. Why not?

It's the game to rule. Which ones? The ones you've just made up?

Yes.

Fucking great. The trampoline is broken.

Told Jeremy not to go on it. Fat fuck.

Thanks.

Is there something I should know?

No. I thought I should let you know that I'm helping Penny out at Lansdowne. At

what? Well, she knows how busy you are with all the surgery bollocks, so I said

I'd help her catch up on her coursework.

Just for this week.

Well, I would have helped her if she'd have come to me.

Are you busy at Lansdowne?

Well, yes, but... Well, there we are.

Problem solved.

And I'll be careful what you say about her behind her back, you are, aren't

I didn't go behind her back.

I just mentioned in passing to Jenny that she was behind on the coursework

stuff. What else did she be saying?

Nothing. Just put that set, that's all.

The confidence has probably been knocked, so it's up to us to give her

support she needs. Right.

Shall we walk around wearing well -done penny badges?

Maybe you could take some and see yourself.

Just for once.

Fuck's sake, what is this? Have a go at Jenny wig.

Why doesn't he just come right out and spray it?

Well... Think some crap.

Yeah, probably.

Ryan!

Ryan.

Do you think I could do with being a bit fitter? I was thinking about a bit of

toning. A bit?

Why do you want to get fit all of a sudden?

I don't know. I've been thinking about it for a while now. I just want to feel

better.

Look better.

But you'll still look like... you.

Would you help me to get in shape?

Maybe you could be my personal trainer.

Is this a wind -up?

No, I'm serious.

All right, then.

You can pay me in beer.

I've been asked to have a word with you.

Stop pissing about in Miss Neville's letter. What are you pissing about?

Bollocks. I've just checked all your marks. English is the only subject

down in.

I know.

I was trying to tell you yesterday.

It's not my fault.

Well, whose fault is it?

It's Neville. She's shit.

If you get stuck on something, she either gives you a really vague answer,

she gets all matey with you and starts talking about personal stuff because you

forgot what you asked her in the first place.

Or she leans over and just shoves her tits in your face.

What?

She actually leans right in?

She does to me all the time.

At first it was a laugh, but you don't fuck all of her.

Now my parents are on my back about it.

And they're literally in your face.

Look, if I get bad marks this year, it's because of her, right?

Right.

Uh, that's it. See ya.

So what are you going to do about it?

Just leave it with me.

Thanks, Mrs. Phillips. Bye, Kayla. Bye.

What did Kayla want to see you about?

She just wanted to ask me a couple of questions.

Personal questions.

Oh, right.

I wasn't being nosy, I just wondered if it might be something that was affecting

her coursework. Not really.

Oh, right. Good.

It must be nice to be one.

Why don't you just ask her if it's true? What am I supposed to say?

Penny, could you stop shoving your tits in Ricky's face, because it's

distracting. Well, it's straight to the point.

You could mention it to her. Me?

Well, you're gay.

She won't mind you mentioning her tits, whereas if I do it, she might think I'm

coming on to her or something. I'm not doing it.

No!

See you in the staff room for the five -minute lunch hour.

Can't. I'm doing circuit training with Bob.

Am I the only one who finds this slightly disturbing?

No. It's almost, and I stress the word almost, enough to make you feel sorry

Penny. Is it? Or would you want Bob lusting after you?

Of course.

Would you?

All the classic signs of a midlife crisis.

Oh, fuck.

He's not going to start breakdancing or anything, is he?

Well, the saddest thing is he probably believes Penny actually fences him.

No wonder he's been pushing to give a one -to -one. Great. So when I thought I

was fucking up and he was doing what he believed to be best for her, he was

actually only doing it because he wants to get in her knickers.

Stupid old twat.

I thought you said we were going to start with a gentle warm -up first.

We are.

What?

Well, the trick is... Do you want me to open a window, Bob? You look a bit

flushed. No, I'm fine.

Get them interested in it first, you know.

Find something contentious, get a reaction from them.

Right. The thing is, whenever I do that, they don't seem interested.

What makes you think that?

I don't know.

They just seem to have these bored expressions.

Maybe it's the way I'm approaching it. Too rambling.

I'm not as direct as Jenny.

You could say that she always gets straight to the point.

I'm glad you said that. I was beginning to think I was paranoid.

Am I the only person in the whole school who finds her a bit intimidating?

I suppose she can seem like that if you don't really know her.

Don't find me intimidating, do you?

No. But you're quite good at making people feel at ease, aren't you?

Am I?

Anyway, um...

I think the best plan would be for you to write up your notes on how you think

you're going to tackle your Year 11 class tomorrow afternoon. So that's the

element of Scout's emotional journey.

And we'll go over everything in the morning.

Fine. No problem.

Good.

Can I have a word, Bob?

I'm a bit pushed.

Is it important?

I think it is, yes.

Look, I appreciate you trying to help, but it should really be me looking after

Penny. She's my responsibility.

No, no, but you don't have any time for this one.

But if Penny feels she's getting behind, then it's me she should come to, not

you. As it is, she's told me she's not behind.

Well, she's bound to say that if you make her feel intimidated.

She said that?

It's more implied.

I mean, you clearly haven't got time to mentor her right now, so I think I

should do it. Fine.

I'm obviously incapable.

She's a duplicitous, manipulative, twisted little cow.

Who the hell does she think she is saying I'm intimidating?

I have never intimidated her.

For fuck's sake, look what she's made me do.

At least you're not letting her get to you.

Bob's only going out of his way to help her because he fancies her.

He'll probably let Claire know.

And then she'll want to know why I didn't spot that Penny was so far behind

her work.

which isn't going to reflect well on me.

So it's not Penny that bothers you so much as being accused of neglecting her

and then everyone thinking that you're really unprofessional?

Probably a good idea if you don't say anything.

Right. Ever.

I think what you should do... Actually, can I just point out here, you're the

25th person I've given advice to today.

I think you should put all this in perspective. You do realise that you're

getting wound up about someone who thinks having a boob job is a career

advancement. In her case, it is, though. Shut up. Right.

The point is, sooner or later she's going to get found out. Until then,

let her know she's getting to you, because that's exactly what she wants.

That'd be nice to her. It'll confuse her, trust me.

Nice. It's when you're polite to someone, pay them compliments.

OK.

Nice.

I can do nice.

Maybe I'll do it tomorrow. She's probably got a lot on her mind right

on.

Penny, I wanted a word.

What about?

It's about Ricky Charles, only it's a bit awkward.

Why?

It's just, he came to see me.

He thinks there's a couple of things getting in the way of his classwork in

English. What thing?

Big things.

Huge.

Are you going to tell me what those things are?

Yes, I am.

Carol!

How's your drink?

Okay.

Probably best I tell you when no one else is around.

Oh, you. I'd feel very relieved you don't go out with Kurt anymore.

So you don't mind Bob taking over from me?

No, not really.

Although, if I'm being honest... Wind.

I'd rather have you.

I mean, Bob's lovely, but a bit boring.

You know, he'll say something like, what are the key elements of Scout's

emotional journey?

And you'll find yourself thinking about something else until you reach a point

where you've actually forgotten what those key elements are. And the notes

you've made don't make any sense.

Do you know what I mean?

Not really.

I mean, you've lost your concentration so much, then out of the blue, he puts

you on the spot.

So, say you're me.

He'd go, what are the key elements?

You say... You could just tell him you need a bit more time to think about it.

Can we carry on, please?

Sure. Thanks.

Does anyone have a clue what she was going on about?

No idea.

Bob's obviously asked her to do something. She can't do it, so she's

she always does, trying to get us to give her the answers.

Of course, it's obvious.

That way Jenny had to spell it out for you.

Where have you been?

I've been doing circuits with Bob.

Do you lose your concentration when Bob's talking to you, Brian?

No, I just lose the will to live. Why?

It must have just been me then.

So, did you lose your concentration so much you couldn't answer Bob's question?

No, I did give him an answer.

I'm just not sure I gave enough emphasis to some of the elements.

Which would you say were important?

Probably the same as you.

How about you, Jenny?

Well, obviously some elements are more key than others, although it's really

down to interpretation.

I mean, all interpretation is ultimately subjective, isn't it?

True. I'm sure you said the right things.

I'd better go. I've got some things to do.

One of you can have this.

See you tomorrow.

Bye.

Okay, what happened to being nice to her? We were being nice by not helping

But we weren't helping her in a nice way. Did you tell her?

Kind of. You didn't, did you?

No.

Penny's been shoving her tits in Ricky Sharp's face. Apparently it's a problem.

That's a change from shoving them in Bob's face.

If one of us did what she's been doing to a female pupil, it'd be sexual

harassment. Except we haven't got tits.

Bob has.

I wonder if I'll have tits when I'm Bob's age.

Did you manage to make sense of your notes in the end?

Yes, I think so.

Good.

Hi.

Fucking hell, it's Judith Chalmers.

All right, Kayla, if there's anything else you need, you know where I am. OK,

bye.

Is everything all right, Kayla?

Yes, thanks.

You know, my door's always open to anyone.

It's shut, actually.

You know what I mean.

Did you give Penny any words with you last night?

Is that any of your business?

Not really. It's just she seemed a bit unsure about the note she'd made after

she'd seen it. Well, if she's unsure, she can talk it through with me. We were

just concerned about her, that's all.

So, did you give her some work today?

Yes, but I still don't... Did she do the work?

No, she's just finishing it off. So she might still be finishing it off next

week, then.

What is it with all this backbiting? You, Penny, Penny, Jenny.

I think we ought to nip this in the bud before it goes any further. No, I'm not

doing a group hug.

Both of you and Penny, my office at one o 'clock.

What about open surgery?

Bollocks to it, Mr. Adrian.

Slow down.

I've got a meeting.

Ten minutes.

If, as I suspect, this is a case of personal differences overriding your

commitments as teachers, I want to make it absolutely clear that I won't

tolerate it.

You're supposed to offer support to NQTs, not destroy their confidence.

I want this sorted out now.

I think you rely on other people to help you out a bit too much. I'm doing my

best. Are you?

If that's how you feel, I'd rather know the truth.

Even if other people think the same, I'd sooner know.

I could ask around.

Jenny, is there anything you'd like to say to Penny?

I wish you'd come to me first instead of going to Bob and telling him I'm

intimidating.

If anything, I think I've been the exact opposite with you.

Maybe it's just your manner or something.

Is that it?

Not quite.

I'd also like to point out that I have actually tried to set aside as much time

as I could for you.

I know, and I fully appreciate that. I also appreciate that your time is

limited. I'm not trying to blame you. I know you like to rush home to Alec every

night.

What exactly are you trying to imply?

I'm not trying to imply anything.

Then why bring Alec into this?

Don't you think you're overreacting? I only mentioned... You only mentioned it

because you're trying to say I put my personal life before my professional

No, I wasn't. Bollocks!

You've just tried to shift the focus of this from you onto me. We are discussing

your inadequacies as a teacher here, not mine.

There's no need to snap at her. I wasn't. Why is it that everybody always

interprets what I say? All I'm trying to do is be a good teacher.

No, you can't handle the job.

I wasn't saying that you definitely couldn't handle it.

Oh, for fuck's sake, Tom, you're making it worse. Shut the fuck up.

Oh, shit!

Oh, fuck!

Oh,

fuck, I think it just hurts.

It's okay, everything's under control.

I'll go and leave the hospital.

Poor Bob.

Fuck. Sorry.

What exactly happened?

We were doing role play. We were trying to see things from Penny's perspective

as an NQT and Penny was trying to see things from our perspective vis -à -vis

the responsibilities of the mental.

Why was she crying?

She gets very involved.

Until we open the hospital, I think it's best if we play this down a little.

It'll only cause disruption.

Come on, Bob.

We'll miss him having a go at me.

I'll miss his little orange face.

Murderer.

What? Don't blame me. You pushed him too hard.

It's not my fault he overdid it.

Who wants to blame? It's them.

We didn't know he'd have a heart attack. Maybe his genes were too tight. It

caused a build -up of pressure or something.

Oh, shame.

Died just like a twat.

Hello?

Penny.

He's sitting up in bed.

Indigestion. What a stupid bath there. Fucking puns. I told him not to eat

straight after exercising. Thanks, Penny. Bye.

Well, at least some good should come of all this.

Like what?

The end of Bob's midlife crisis.

How do you work that out? Well, if he feels humiliated enough by what happened

today, maybe he'll start acting his age again.

Bob, feeling better?

Fine.

Do you think he's been on a date with Chernobyl?

Bob's okay.

Bad news Ken's back.

Oh, yeah, but he's still feeling a bit fragile. So I said I'd help out at

lunchtime again

Stingy bastards.

How are you feeling now, Bob?

Oh, no, fine.

Never better.

Have you finished writing up your notes?

Nearly.

I would have done them yesterday, only what with being all that time at the

hospital.

End of the day?

No problem.

Thanks, Bob.

So much for your theory.

Right, that's it. We've got to tell him.

You're right. Off you go, then.

Why should it be me?

Because it was your idea.

But he might be really hurt.

Yeah, it's too cruel.

Someone's got to say something. I've had to stop him from going any more orange.

You're his personal trainer.

I'm not doing it.

He might chin me.

You do it, JP.

I wouldn't hit you. You're gay.

Why is it every time you want something that's sort of not you, you assume I can

do it just because I'm gay?

Does that mean you'll do it, then? No.

Absolutely not.

Only one thing for it now.

Oh!

You bet!

That looks like it!

Did it? Of course it did!

I believe.

Enjoy your day.

I'm sorry, Bob. That's all I've got time for. I've got to do open surgery.

You're going to be a bit late.

Not really, you know. Clare might be on the walk path.

All right, we'll jog on the way in.

I was thinking of joining a gym.

Bob.

Look, I'm not very good at this sort of thing.

I don't really know how to say this without hurting your feelings.

But you're making a complete twat of yourself, mate.

What do you mean?

Well, you know, all this getting fit and stuff.

Well, just because I'm a bit older, it doesn't mean to say that I can't get

myself in shape. No, I wasn't saying that.

What were you saying, then?

Well, it's just more to do with why you're doing all this.

Well, I'm not with you.

Well, say, for instance, you were doing this because you fancied someone.

Like who?

I don't know.

Anyone.

Maybe someone a bit younger.

Well, maybe more than a bit younger. Quite a lot younger.

Why should I fancy anyone else?

I'm a happily married man.

Well, maybe not so much you fancying them. It could be you thinking they

fancy you, for instance.

Yeah, well, I shouldn't think anyone fancies me.

You know what strong women are like.

They make you think they fancy you, so you let them get away with stuff.

But, well, they actually think you're boring.

In fact, they might say that.

Behind your back.

Well, I've had worse things said about me.

Anyway, it's not like it's ever going to happen.

Well, there you go.

Nothing to worry about.

I'm feeling a bit of a twinge.

Perhaps I should take it easy for a few days.

Bye -bye.

I'm actually quite busy, Kurt. Isn't this important?

Uh, well... Is this going to take all day? Ricky doesn't want you to shove

tits in his face because it's distracting, and his mum and dad are

because his grades are low, and he thinks you're crap!

Shall I come back later?

No, it's fine.

I, um... I think I might have let this whole Penny situation get out of hand.

Have you?

It's obvious that you're more than capable of being Penny's mentor.

Thanks, Bart.

Having said that, I still think it's probably best if I continue to help her.

It's not that I'm implying that older...

It's necessarily wiser because sometimes it isn't.

In fact, older can sometimes mean foolish,

stupid even.

It's just that a more senior figure is expected to exert more

authority, more discipline.

At least that's the theory.

It's not always easy to put it into practice. It's sometimes easy to...

..be distracted, make a mistake.

Still, there's always time to make amends.

I'm sure Penny will appreciate what you're doing for her.

And so do I.

Why do you think Kayla's been avoiding me?

It's just a hunch, but maybe she doesn't want to ask advice from someone who's

convinced she's the daughter of Satan.

That means if she was in trouble, I mean serious trouble, she'd never come to

me.

Don't worry.

It's fine. It's fine.

Uh, departmental meeting.

My office, nine o 'clock tomorrow morning.

I want the forecast grades in for year 11 without excuses.

I've drawn up a timetable for you so you know when you can come and see me.

And don't worry, if you fall behind, I've set some assignments to help you.

Kayla? If something was wrong, do you think I'm someone you could come to?

Depends what's wrong.

I'll say something serious.

What I'm trying to say is, why have you been seeing every other member of staff

for open surgery except me?

I haven't been seeing everyone.

It's just a paranoia.

Well, quite a few other members of staff, then.

Maybe because I feel awkward talking to you. Well, that's what I'm trying to

tell you. You can talk to me about anything.

Anything? Absolutely.

Okay, then.

So I wasn't sure whether to use sanitary towels or tampons because I only

started my period this week.

Then I wasn't sure what type of sanitary towels to use.

Ringed or whatever.

Ringed.

So... Why didn't you ask your mum?

Would you ask her if you were me?

Fair point.

Anyway, someone said that if you've got a really heavy flow, you could go on the

pill. But I think I'm a bit young.

What do you think?

Do you need a new atlas?

Do you think Carol's got a little penny shrine in her bedroom?

Probably filled with photocopies that Penny made her do.

I can't believe you gave her so much stuff to do.

If you wouldn't be that cruel. No.

It's mainly because I'd have to spend hours checking over what she's done and

Alex that tomorrow.

Oh, fuck.

What? I think I'm starting to feel sorry for her.

It's okay. It's done now.

Are you going to the pub?

Yeah. No, we can't. We're doing something else.

What was all that about?

Come to the pub if Bob's there, can't you?

Am I upsetting?

Bob's coming to the pub?

Yeah, well, I've asked him.

Why? We never asked Bob to the pub. I know, but I feel sorry for him.

He's asked Bob to the pub.

Bob? Nice joke, sir.

No, I thought so. Sorry, what I meant to say was... Fucking Rick.

Poor Bob, though.

Tried to look like a complete pillock.

Well, maybe we should make a bit of an effort with him to play your Wonderbrot

tomorrow. That'll cheer him up. Two -faced cow.

From now on, I'm not talking to him unless I absolutely have to. Yeah, me

You don't talk to her anyway. You just stare at her tits.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, from now on, I won't stare at her tits unless I absolutely have to.

Or unless it's accidental.

Or unless she's wearing a really low -cut top. You know, the pink ones she

sometimes. That's great.