Original subtitles

So you're killing Carol, shagging Penny, and marrying Claire.

Why the fuck would you marry Claire?

Because she earns more than me.

Your turn.

Hey!

Do you want to play this or not?

Sorry, isn't my round? Of the game, yeah.

How about Bob, JP, and me?

And we have to do what exactly?

You don't have to do anything.

Jenny has to choose who she'd shag, who she'd kill, who she'd marry.

I'm with you.

It's too easy this one.

Bob, obviously I'd kill. Obviously.

And you can't shag JP, so... Why couldn't I shag JP?

Because he wouldn't like it very much, would he?

He couldn't do it, not with a woman. I'm sure he'd make an exception in your

case.

Oi, are you shagging me or JP?

Neither.

I'm going home to shag Alec.

Want to come with us in the car?

I might have one more.

I can give you a backy on my bike.

Maybe two or three. Okay.

See you later.

Bye. See ya.

Tell me I was never like that with Peter. You were never like that with

Like what?

All over each other being, you know, normally anything.

Who knows we ain't?

Alec is, and Jenny's on her way.

It's one of the rules of being in a relationship.

What is?

Turn into a totter. Unless you're a totter to start off with.

It was great when it was just me and Jenny.

So is it Alec you don't like, or having to share the flat with someone else?

It's what he's doing to Jenny.

Shagging her.

Turning her into a twat.

She's not a twat.

Never has been, never will.

Certainly wasn't when I shunned her. You don't think that was the most sweatiest

thing she's ever done in her entire life?

What?

Mind if I watch something?

I don't know about you, but I'm... I could.

You

know

what's wrong with Susan?

Thrush?

Antisocial.

She's fundamentally unsuited to sharing a flat with anyone.

I'm not.

I like it.

So do I, mate.

Hey.

All right, mate.

Did you have a nice time?

Not bad.

This has been Brian Kidd.

All right?

Do you fancy a drink?

I'll get you one.

Sorry. What would you like? There's lager or what else?

Just lager.

Just lager. Would you like some? It's no bother.

Yeah, thanks.

Oh, God, you probably want to go to bed.

No.

I'll piss off and let you get on with it.

Sorry, it's a bit warm. They're going to bed.

What?

We're not.

I think I'd better be going, eh?

What have you done?

Me? You must have said something.

I didn't.

You play?

Alex thought you might have felt a bit excluded last night when we went off.

He thought he might have upset you again.

What do you mean again?

He's worried about you, that's all.

Well, he shouldn't be. I'm none of his business.

Don't get defensive.

Who's defensive? I'm just saying I'm happy. I'm fine. Very happy. Don't I

very happy?

You go next.

I'm not going into work today.

You will?

That's what I'm telling Claire.

Food poisoning, if she asks.

What's really wrong?

Alex got the day off.

He thought we could... Spare me the details, please.

You've been talking about me.

Yeah, yeah, I'm... Fine, thanks, nothing broken.

Jenny and Alec talk about me, about how I'm feeling, all the time.

Yeah, and you talk about them all the time.

I don't try to analyse them, I just... Slag them off.

So, did you go out at all?

No,

I hit the film.

Pizza.

Who with?

Well, to bring someone out of the hospital.

Sounds great. We should go there one night.

Sorry?

I'd like that.

Okay. Maybe next week.

I think I'm invisible the way they were groping each other. You should have

joined in.

You know where you're going, love.

I do hope you're going to tell me.

It's your attitude to share it.

You need your own space too much.

Hang on. Let me find some paper so I can write this down.

You're always dishing it out, but you can't take it.

Yes, I can.

No, you can't.

Go on, then.

Okay. Look at me and Kurt.

We're much more relaxed than you. That's why we're happier.

Our flat is an open house.

Er, open flat.

Last night, for instance.

JP turns up at midnight with some new bloke. Do we bat an eyelid? No.

Were they groping each other on the sofa?

They might have done. But Kurt had not set the boyfriend.

I didn't upset anyone.

Then why did he run away?

I told you, he just decided to go.

There must have been a reason.

He was tired.

Got a kip on the floor.

He didn't want to. Why not? That's my question.

And another thing.

She's biking off.

Jenny. Pretending she's ill just so she can spend the day in bed with Alec.

Nice. Nice?

Is that all you've got to say?

Yeah.

This isn't how Jenny behaved. Not the old Jenny.

I never liked the old Jenny. You fancied her.

Yeah, but...

If the new Jenny's got the old Jenny's arse, then I think I prefer the new

Jenny.

Morning, everyone.

Just one announcement today.

Miss Page is off sick.

A cover plan's been drawn up, which I'd like the relevant members of staff to

take on board.

I'm afraid we're under strength at the moment, so it's going to be all hands on

deck. Any questions?

Looks good to me.

Excellent, thank you.

Shit. So it's by the new Jenny?

Susan!

Jenny's food poisoning.

Is it very bad?

She certainly didn't get much sleep.

I could hear her all night.

Both ends, I think.

Poor Jenny.

Have you seen how many classes I'm covering just so Alec can fuck her

out? I'm so crap at lying to Claire.

Yeah, I'm really good.

You should say something to Jenny.

What about?

I don't know how I feel about Alec. I should tell her, I suppose.

Of course you should.

Whenever me and Kurt have a problem, we sit down and talk about it.

No, we don't.

Yeah?

I had business with your duvet.

What business?

It started to stink. I got you to do something about it.

I don't remember that.

You took it down the cleaners. No, I didn't.

Stop this bitch.

What if she does this every week? She better not.

I don't want to have to lie all the time. I'm not doing this once you cover

again. What if he hangs around forever? What if he moves in, pushes me out,

takes over the flat? He won't.

Are you sure?

No.

I've just checked my timetable and the cover Claire wants me to do for Jenny is

a bit tricky.

Can you ask her to find someone else?

You can ask her yourself.

She's in there.

Just waiting for someone to spoil her day.

I haven't got time right now.

Well, later then.

I wish I could, but... Thanks, Carol.

She's walking all over you.

Mine? Well, you should mind.

I wish you wouldn't do that.

Sorry.

Message from Miss Neville.

She says she can't cover her speech class after all.

Can you find somebody else?

Of course I can't.

You tell Penny.

She agreed to take the class at the start of the day, and that's what she's

going to do.

That's what she said.

Well, thanks very much.

Hangover's a few times. Once when I just couldn't be arsed. We'll never just

stay at home and shag all day.

Oh, I wish.

Simon, could I ask a big favour?

I'm supposed to be taking Jenny's sixth form group this afternoon.

Is there any chance we could do it?

No, I'm covering two of Jenny's lessons this morning and one this afternoon,

plus gait monitoring.

So that's a no.

Sorry. Don't worry about sixth form. Piece of cake.

But I don't know any of them.

You must know Tanya.

First thing Tanya says, just disagree.

She'll kick off an argument, the others will join in.

She was just sucking up to get some photocopies.

You're probably right.

Of course I'm right.

And you warned her.

Actually, we know you're here.

I'm talking, I'm in the room.

She doesn't want us talking like she's not in the room.

Right.

But you warned her about Penny because you didn't want her getting hurt.

What's wrong with Paige?

She's not here.

Is she going to be away all week?

Do I look like a doctor?

Yes.

So have you read this book, then?

It's shit, isn't it?

I wouldn't call it shit.

So you have read it?

A while ago.

You know Lockwood's dream?

Which one?

Well, when the ghost comes back to Wuthering Heights.

Yeah.

Well, what's that all about, then?

Can you open your books and read?

Miss Page said Heathcliff's a bit like Richard III.

I can see that. Why?

Did Heathcliff have a hump as well?

Just read the book.

At least you'll get a good night's sleep.

We are.

They were shagged out by now.

They're never shagged out.

I think there's a tantric sex.

Is that when you piss on each other?

It's when you're shagged for ten hours without coming.

What's the point of that?

It's supposed to transform sex into a saccharine of love.

Huh? I think those are... I don't know.

Do you want to back in?

Please don't make me go home. Why not? Can't you deal with a happy couple?

Does it make you feel like you haven't got a life and nobody loves you? Yes, it

makes me feel exactly like you. If you're not bothered about it, why don't

talk to Jenny?

Good idea.

Jenny, any chance we could chuck your boyfriend so he can get a good night's

sleep? Yeah, that would go down very well.

Talk to Alec, then.

Evening, Alec. I think you're a big tosser, and I'd like you to piss off out

his flat.

Could be a bit more subtle.

I'm sorry, are you about to give me a lesson on how to be subtle?

Oh, what next is there?

Kirk, can you give me tips into how to get laid?

Fuck it, then. I was only trying to help.

No, you didn't.

You can stay alive.

Hello. Can I?

No chance.

Pull up, mate.

Enter.

I wish.

Hi. Evening.

Hello.

Vince.

Yeah. Came back.

Hiya, Vince.

This is Vince, JP's boyfriend.

Vince, this is Susan.

Susan's another teacher.

Is she?

I hope you don't mind if Vince stays tonight.

Fantastic!

We're going to have sex.

Do you think so?

It's a fucking nightmare.

I thought you loved having people to stay.

I don't want to shag it outside my bedroom.

I'll go in your room.

Will you?

I'm used to noisy neighbours.

Come on, what are you going to do?

Do you want the light off?

I'm okay.

Can you hear anything?

Maybe they've gone to sleep.

Yeah, right.

Why don't you go and have a look?

You always used to with Simon and Maggie.

She was a woman.

I'm not going to go and watch a few blokes, am I?

Aren't you?

Do you think I'm some kind of pervert?

What the fuck?

What did I do?

Can I sleep here as well?

Here?

In this bed.

Hey.

My first threesome.

Mine too.

I was hoping for two women.

What's wrong with my room? Too noisy?

You don't want to know.

No, we don't.

Did you notice what they were doing when you came through?

Funnily enough, I didn't stop to watch.

Is this what it's like at your place?

Having to listen to sex all night?

It's not just the night. It's every evening, every morning, all day at the

weekends.

I feel a bit trapped.

Get used to it. If Vince is anything like Alec, this is just the start.

Forget sleep.

Forget getting into the bathroom when you want to.

And wave goodbye to your fruit and veg.

What? Sex toys.

It's not overripe. It's up for grabs.

You're so bad at Jenny. Why don't you move out?

I was going to. It's not easy to find the right person to share with.

There's other people apart from Simon.

Yeah, but it was working really well with Jenny until Alec came along.

Do you think that now Vince has come along, it'll stop working for us and JP?

You wouldn't be surprised.

Where are you going?

I need a piss.

You can't leave me alone here with him.

It'll be two minutes.

Two minutes, eh?

Don't even think about it.

Morning.

Is Vince in the bathroom?

No, he's gone.

Morning.

Sleep well?

Not bad. You?

Not so good.

Coffee? So, do you think you and Vince... Do you think...

Is he coming back tonight?

I'd be very surprised.

Did you have a round?

No. So you'll be seeing him again?

Why not?

He's not really my type.

Well, you shagged him.

Or he shagged you, who we didn't see.

I'm sorry if this leaving arrangements were a bit tricky last night.

I didn't realise Susan was going to be here.

He didn't know Vince was going to be here.

Maybe we should have a rule.

If anyone wants to bring someone back, they have to get the other's permission

first. By me?

Banana?

I won't, actually.

No.

Is she really going out with him?

Is she really going to take him home tonight?

Is she really going out with him?

Right.

Much better.

I bet you are.

Meaning?

Nothing.

I had food poisoning. Didn't Susan tell you?

Yeah. No. Sorry.

She didn't come home last night.

She stayed with us.

In the same bed.

Really? We didn't shag her.

No.

Just because the flat was a bit full.

It won't happen again because we've got a new rule.

If anyone wants to bring someone back for the night, we have to get the all

clear from the other people.

Maybe you should have a rule like that.

What for? It's my flat.

I don't need anyone's permission for anything.

And I can't imagine you'll need to ask permission very often.

What do you mean?

You're back.

Sorry about yesterday. I think it was some undercooked chicken.

With some people, the phrase food poisoning usually means hangover.

Not in your case, though.

Take it gently today. You still look a bit peaky.

What?

Every department has to do one assembly.

For poetry?

Have you got a better idea?

When are we supposed to organise this? Whatever stretch it is.

If someone decides to take the day off for whatever reason, we're stuffed.

How are you feeling, by the way?

Fine.

Thank you.

You can walk without too much conflict.

I thought it was food poisoning.

It was.

And thank you, everyone, who covered my lessons.

Pleasure.

You can leave some work to hand out next time you're sick.

Yeah, I think it better.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. Oh, come on, if you've got something to say, let's hear it. I

even talking about you.

So you're talking about me?

What did I do wrong?

Oh, nothing, really.

It's just... One or two of the sixth form are a bit worried about Wuthering

Heights. I think they could have done with some sort of discussion about the

text, rather than being told to read the book again.

Is that what they said?

I'm only... This is so unfair.

You all felt Jenny couldn't get out of bed. I didn't have time to prepare the

lesson. I was up to my neck all morning and suddenly I'm expected to look after

some kids I don't even know.

What was I supposed to do?

I'm sure you did your best. And Simon wouldn't help me. What?

What?

I asked him to help me and he just told me to fuck off.

And all I could do was try and keep everybody happy and that's what I

I'd done until now.

What the hell do you think you're playing at? I was covering all the

She don't just look an end to you, she fend for herself.

It's all right, it's okay, don't worry. Go on, that's it.

To you later.

If only you had a taste of that play, you'd never get brought up again.

I'm sorry you had so much to cover.

I was really ill.

No, you weren't. You were shagging Alex.

Susan told you. No, Maddie told me. What matters is I had to work my ass off all

day while you were in bed with your boyfriend.

Now I get bollocked by Bob because he's fucking crap. Why should you care? You

had loads of sex, but that's okay.

What's wrong? Stop guessing on yourself.

That's not the point. So what is the point? The one from your lag you had to

make an effort? No.

I'm not allowed to bunk off, is that it? No.

You've had sex with Alec to A -level English with Tanya. Is that so strange?

In your case, yes.

Sorry. What for? Lying about what I said to you or getting me bollocked by Bob?

Both. Oh, well, that's okay then.

Now, hang on. We can't just leave it like this.

Why not?

I can't bear it when someone hates me.

Well, you could have thought of that before.

Please, Simon, I...

I said I was sorry.

You're not crying,

are you?

Oh, shit.

I'm sorry.

You too.

What?

Everyone tried it. She's faking it.

She was really crying. There was snot and everything.

She's good. I'll give her that.

Well, I was pretty pissed off with her.

She's faking it.

How can you tell? I can tell.

Couple of tears, men like you, potty in her hands.

Thoughts for me?

Guess how many people have asked me that in the last two minutes? If I guess

correctly, can I keep them?

Only if your name is Miss Page.

Is she here?

No. Those for me.

It was seven, now it's nine.

They're for Jenny.

From?

Oh, it's a card.

A sealed envelope.

However, as I was making pot noodle at the time, steam just happened to waft

towards the back of the envelope. And?

There's no name.

Just half a dozen kisses.

Friday night, 7 .30, dinner at Berto's, red dress, no knickers.

These are very concise.

I love what you called it.

I'd say overbearing.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Those for me?

Uh, yeah.

They're cut?

Not that I can see.

Oh.

Aren't they lovely?

Let's put them in water.

Lovely.

Did you tell Simon that I wasn't really ill?

Shit. Sorry.

It just slipped out. But Claire doesn't know. God, no.

I told her you were chucking up all over the place.

The thing is, am I going to have to lie like that a lot? Because, I mean, I

don't mind if it's now and again. Sorry.

I know it was a bit awkward for you, but Alex said he wanted to take the day off

and he wanted to spend it with me.

Yeah, but he must have known you can't just drop everything when you feel like

it. Yeah, it was a bit awkward for a couple of people, but I thought it was

worth it.

Yeah, but what if you'd said no? What if you'd explained that your colleagues

would be struggling without you and you couldn't just let them down because he

wanted to have sex with you and he didn't even care how you felt about it?

You're trying to make some kind of point here.

He's a control freak.

Well, I thought he was.

He used to be, but he had taken over.

And he can't see what he's doing.

And that's bad.

Of course it's bad.

I'm only trying to look out for my friend.

Well, there's a fine line between looking out for and sticking your nose

because you don't like a boyfriend.

Jenny needs someone to show her what's going on.

And that someone would be... Me.

How about I cook Sunday lunch?

When?

I'm thinking of Sunday.

No, I mean which Sunday?

You choose.

I'll have to ask Alex.

Why?

He might have plans.

Yeah, but if you've already got plans, then his plans will have to change,

they? It doesn't work like that.

Since when?

Sorry?

You decide for yourself what you do. You didn't have to ask a mission.

Not permission.

I like it to me.

How about a drink later?

Sure, why not?

Do you want to check with Alan?

No.

I'm staying up in London.

What if I bring someone back tonight?

You only chucked Vince this morning.

He can't chuck a one -night stand.

Sorry for me a few times.

So, is that okay then?

I might get lucky this evening.

No, but seriously.

I just wondered... No.

I was talking to Carol.

chance of a couple of photocopies of each page?

There's only about 20.

What? You heard her. Actually, I didn't.

Maybe Carol didn't tell you. Or maybe you didn't hear her.

But we don't provide a photocopying service for members of staff.

I don't have time to do this. Do I look as if I care?

Please, couldn't you just... No.

Oh, that's it.

Blub, blub, blub.

Okay, who's this?

Three years at Loughborough, and I still can't spell physiotherapy.

Is that me?

Is that me? Is it?

Of course it is.

Okay, I'll use this then.

We've run out of tissues because they've been wanking all night.

Must be like me.

You knew it was you.

No. Do this.

Don't cry, Penny.

Just put your head on my shoulder and your hand there.

That's it.

Just a bit lower. Why does everyone have to do me?

Oh, it was Bob.

Not Bob.

You do someone.

Not me.

Right.

Look at my massive cock.

I said not me.

I'm a new man.

I'm attached to my feminine side.

I'm a sex god.

It's Alex.

I'm a control freak.

Yep, I got it. I'm a big fucking tosser.

How about another drink?

I'll see what's in the fridge.

Hi.

What are you doing here?

Got the last train after all.

You have to be there.

You're a woman.

Brian teaches PE.

And geography.

Are you staying the night?

Would you mind?

I want to

sleep

with you again.

Fuck off.

I can't stay in my room.

It's too much noise.

What kind of noise?

Giggling.

I think they're telling jokes.

Are they in bed?

Yeah. Do you think they're going to have sex?

How can they if he's gay?

Maybe he's bisexual.

Lucky bastard.

How's that lucky?

He can shag anyone.

Bunch of...

You

set the alarm?

Yeah.

Night then.

Night night.

She's gone.

Can I ask you a personal question?

What about?

You and... What's her name?

Did you, uh... You know.

Shag her? Yes. What do you think?

I don't know. That's why I'm asking.

I'm bent.

Of course I didn't shag her.

Okay.

So you'd never shag a woman?

Even if she looked like a bloke?

Especially if she looked like a bloke. I'm not a lesbian.

No, I know you're not.

But if you were bisexual?

I did try and shag a woman once.

Did you?

Would you like to talk about it?

Would you?

I've got time.

Nothing much to tell, really.

I was 15.

Pretty average age to lose your virginity.

15? I was still telling myself I wasn't gay in those days, so Sandra Pope was my

first proper girlfriend.

The only trouble was I couldn't, you know, get it out.

Enjoy myself.

All the time we were doing that, I just felt like something was wrong. So after

about 20 minutes, I said, sorry, Sandra, this just isn't for me.

So we stopped.

20 minutes.

Jenny I'm

making scrambled eggs if you're hungry

Coffee's fine.

Sit down, I think we need to talk.

Do we?

Yes.

Please.

Sit.

This isn't easy, is it?

Being here. At this table.

In this flat.

I don't remember the last time I had so much fun.

I'm trying to help.

Well, I wouldn't bother, really.

I'd like to.

Hang on.

Did I book a therapy session this morning?

I don't think... Susan, please.

I don't understand why my being with Jenny is such a problem for you.

Don't you?

Oh, well.

Never mind.

Why can't you just deal with this?

I can.

By getting drunk and flagging me off, how's that going to solve anything?

I find getting drunk solves most things, actually.

Why are you avoiding the issue?

Why are you stopping me from leaving the kitchen?

Me and Jenny, we're not going to split up, you know.

No.

Back off.

You're very hostile.

That was hostile.

He's in for a shock.

He's not that bad.

Look what you said in the pub. What?

You don't think maybe you went a bit far?

You've got no idea, have you?

What it's like for me, living there with them.

Every night.

The groping, the noise. You've got no fucking idea.

See, I don't mind a kiss in public.

Why don't you just deal with it like a grown -up?

I'm sorry.

Do what me and Brian did.

We had a problem with JP, so we made up our rules.

And you think that's grown -up? To make up some silly little rule about asking

everyone else if it's okay to bring a little friend home for a sleepover?

You really think that's grown up?

Yes.

Susan.

If it's so terrible living with me, why don't you go?

Living with you isn't terrible.

What's so bad about Alec? What did you tell me?

It's not Alec.

As such, it's what he does to you.

The way he makes you behave, it's... I'm the queen.

It's not just the noise of them banging away all night. It's him in the bathroom

whenever I want to get in there.

Them taking over the living room whenever I want to watch the telly. It's

cocking in the nude. Will you please just shut the fuck up?

Thanks very much for your kind understanding.

You don't deserve any kind understanding.

Give it a rest.

What about you?

Had enough?

I'll have another pint. Cheers.

You think I'm making a fuss about nothing, don't you?

Yes.

Right.

Get your coat on.

We're going back to my place.

What for?

It's miles away.

The only way you're going to believe me...

is if you come and seek yourself.

I can't be arsed. I'll buy you a kebab on the way.

Not hungry.

If you stay long enough, they'll go to bed, and you will hear them shagging.

Drink up!

Don't mind me.

Very nice.

This is a doll?

Do you want... Thanks, but...

What?

Is there something... Have I got... What? Why are you staring?

We're not.

Yes, you are.

Just pretend we're not here.

What exactly are you doing?

Eating. Relaxing. Thinking.

Sorry, what was the question?

I'm off to bed.

I'll be there in a minute.

Night, everyone.

If you'd have got here earlier, you'd have seen me. I do it all the time.

right. Just not tonight, eh? Get some sleep. Maybe you've been overdoing it or

something.

I always thought if we had a problem we could talk about it.

Do I have to join in?

It might make it more of a conversation.

Me and Alec, I realise we've been a bit physical lately, in front of you.

I know it's embarrassing, I'm sorry, but when you're in a new relationship...

Please, don't.

I'm sorry I got them round here.

I wanted them to see what it was like.

Is it really that bad?

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Not as much as me.

I've been... A cow?

Moody, I was going to say.

Have I been a cow?

A bit.

Fuck, why didn't I talk to you? Everyone said I should.

And you ignore the normally excellent advice of Simon, Brian and Kurt.

Once I got going, I couldn't stop, and the more I was told I was overreacting,

the more I overreacted.

And I know I've been behaving really childishly, but when someone tells you

you're being childish, it only makes you act more like it. Stop now.

You weren't that bad.

Wasn't I?

I wish you liked him.

I don't like you.

But if you hate my boyfriend... I wouldn't say I hated him.

Despise, loathe, detest, maybe.

That makes me feel so much better.

Sorry.

Thank you, threesome.

Fuck off.