Original subtitles

Blue vein piccolo.

Pork thorn.

Pink combine.

Happy helmet.

Is that one?

Definitely.

Ten, sir.

There can't be any more.

Five, four, three, two, one. There aren't any more.

Bone phone.

Spam javelin. Ham howitzer. Trouser trumpet. Mutton musket. The bald fryer.

You are fucking impressive.

Okay, my choice now. How about...

Gay euphemisms.

My, well, not for me. I've got to go.

Lightweight. Some of us have to focus on the future.

Claire's roped me in to help organise careers, Rick.

Nightmare. Puffer.

Fag. Shirtlifter.

Beachcomber. Sausage smuggler.

Fudge packer. Marmite miner.

Short -armed bandit.

Five, four, three, two, one, out.

Oh, I had a good one.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Just me and the champ.

Turdburger. Chocolate chimney sweet tail gunner.

Five, four, three, two, one. Yes!

Finally! The PE stroke geography teacher chalks up a victory.

But he has the grace and dignity to shake the hand of a loser.

He's great, isn't he?

Well, I'm sure he'll let you hold it if you ask nicely.

I just mean he's a laugh.

Don't go jumping off any cliffs tonight, will you? Unless you want the northern

retard following you over.

Who wants a bucky?

After you, mate.

You all right?

Go on.

You know you want to. No, I'm fine.

I didn't want to start an argument.

Tell you what, I'll walk with you, eh?

OK, forget the music.

Which one would you shag, Christina or Brittany?

Brittany, definitely.

Christina for me. I'd give myself body and soul.

I think she'd want either.

She blew Simon out of the water in that cock round.

Destroyed him. Bit of a specialist subject.

He was gutted. Totally gutted. Yeah, well, you came from behind in the gay

round. He's working a factory during school holidays. He never stood a

You can't expect me to know all the slang names for being gay. There's much

to preserve of you non -gay people, wouldn't you say?

JP's gay.

Completely. That explains why everyone's so at ease with him, you know.

Women. He poses no sexual threat.

You don't have to be gay to get on with women.

Well, it helps.

I always knew he was.

No, you didn't.

I did, though.

You knew.

No, I didn't.

Then you didn't tell us.

I thought it was pretty obvious.

You were the one trying to get in his trousers not so long ago.

I was in a vulnerable place.

Where, Bosnia?

Yeah, well, we all bark up the wrong tree from time to time, don't we?

I thought you two were gay at first.

Who? You and Brian.

Why? Two single blokes living together, no girlfriends, P .E. and I .T.

teachers. What's that got to do with it?

He's 41 and the geek at the classic combination.

Fuck! What? It's all falling into place. What is?

Why you invited him to move into the flat? The reason why you wanted me out

JP in. Why?

Because deep down you knew he was gay and you wanted to check him out. Get a

little taste of the alternative lifestyle.

Fucker. Well, look, it's almost worth living with my dad again to know that

two are getting a chance to express a whole new side of yourselves.

And that JP's there as your role model.

Morning.

Morning.

Have you been all right?

I think it's fantastic.

But you're gay.

Well, I knew that if I told Brian and Katie it would save the expense of

an office put on the school gate.

The next few days are our focus on the future days for years 10 and 11.

Jenny here's in charge.

Have tutors got packs?

If they bother looking in their pigeonholes.

This is all about giving the students guidance, advice and support in making

right decisions for their futures.

So try not to snigger when they tell you what they want to be.

Kurt will have Kudos up and running shortly, yes?

If you could familiarise yourself with the software package before using it on

the kids, we'll be practising interview techniques tomorrow and the careers fair

is on Thursday.

Let's approach this with enthusiasm, please.

Any problems, pester Jenny with them, not me. Your full cooperation will be

welcome over the next few days.

and I can't go. I shagged Jenny.

When that jam doesn't count.

I went out with Cheryl for weeks. We had loads of sex. You mind? I'm still

eating.

Oh, by the way, I've changed my mind about you.

What about me?

People are going to think we asked JP to stay because we wanted him to stay,

aren't we?

We did.

I mean because we wanted him to stay.

No, I blame you. What?

The other one is always... Brown -nosing him.

You blew Simon out of the water in the cock round.

Of course he fucking did.

Hang on. He said he'd shag Brittany.

He said he'd shag Brittany, given a choice between her and Christina

I mean, maybe if he'd thrown Ricky Martin into the mix, he'd got a

response. Every female that comes to work is going to think the same as

Are they?

It's hard enough getting a woman as it is.

He was only supposed to stay on it temporarily.

So, sound him out.

Find out he's looking for someone else. I can't do that. Just ask him. Why do I

have to do it? You heard Penny. She changed her mind about me.

I

just

wanted to say sorry about...

Telling people that you were, you know... Gay.

Gay, yeah.

Forget about it.

I'll make sure it goes no further.

Why?

Cos it could be embarrassing.

Have you got a problem with it?

Me? Cos you'd be amazed how many people turn into complete tosses as soon as

they find out that you're gay.

Really? Like, I'm going to suddenly want to jump on them or something.

They should be so lucky, eh?

I mean, I know you wouldn't. Not with me. Or anyone.

As far as I'm concerned, nothing's changed.

Right. Except that now you know I'm gay.

We're glad we know you. I mean, I'm glad you're who you are and happy

and all that.

I knew you'd be OK with it.

Sorry, it's no problem.

See you at home.

Of course I am, mate, no problem.

I love you, JP.

Curtis,

who am I?

I have no problem with dealing with numbers, figures, charts, organisational

skills.

I like maths, statistics, numeracy.

The job families I'm interested in are working with figures, solving

mathematical problems.

My career choice, anything to do with managing...

Jesus. My dad's an assistant bank manager.

And you want to be like your dad?

Why not?

Because he's your dad.

Working insurance, civil service, local council. What is wrong with you lot?

Terrible good job.

Yeah, I know, but does no one want to write a novel, make a film, travel?

You've got the chance to do whatever you want.

I really want to work in accounts.

When's it my turn? Wait!

Jobs best suited for you, according to Kudo, are tree surgery or

forestry. I knew it.

I should have followed my boyhood dreams.

Fuck it.

Put in your name.

P -R -I -A.

Follow the questionnaire.

Do you watch factual programmes on TV?

Have they not got porn down there?

Does it work?

Liz came out as an officer in a correctional facility.

What about?

He seems pretty cool about it. What about me?

Me?

Of course.

It's Brian who's taking it like a personal insult.

Keeps banging on about getting JP out of the flat.

Why? That's what I said, why?

You know Brian.

He's... I'm worried it might reflect on him in some way.

You're not.

I'm not the one who chases after J .P. like a fucking lapdog, am I?

Aw.

It's quite funny, though, isn't it?

The pose it is.

F .C., come on.

What's this say?

Hairdresser or flight attendant.

This thing's very perceptive.

Let's have a look.

Oh, Don, sorry.

Here it is in black and white.

You can't fight it, Brian.

I can fucking curse on you. Going out with Carol should have made him more

suspect, not less.

And he looks far more gay than me.

Maybe that's the reason you got this far without questioning yourself.

Because you come over so straight.

Not because I am.

I mean, you know that.

No, on a computer, never mind.

One more word, and I'm gonna belt you. No need to get all aggressive and macho.

Prove nothing.

Be honest.

Has there ever been a moment when you've looked at me and thought, there goes a

gay man?

I never make assumptions about people's sexuality.

It's the penny's tits, for fuck's sake. Which are big, false plastic ones. How

much air can you get?

Do you think people are going to think that I invited JP into the flat for some

other reason than that he wanted a place to stay?

Did you? No.

Are you sure?

Before I knew it was Dave.

Right. Maybe it was because, subconsciously, we already knew that he

I know you've got your heart set on beauty therapy, Gail, but you'll never

stuck for work as a plasterer.

How does aircraft maintenance engineering sound to you, Graham?

Well, you've fallen a little short of that.

Top of the list, shopfitter.

I knew one of you had to have a spark of creativity.

Best option, performance -orientated work.

Actor, dancer, musician.

Curtis.

You see, deep down I knew there was a creative artist screaming to be let out.

I did fancy the young people's theatre last summer. Fantastic.

Why not try it this year? What have you got to lose?

I don't know whether they'll be looking for more admin staff.

JP, you're the man to help us.

Where are the local pick -up joints for men?

We're just interested.

Not really interested, just mildly curious.

For research purposes.

Mildly curious research.

We've got this friend and he's having a tough time coming to terms with certain

things about himself.

You mean he might be better?

Exactly. So we thought the least we could do is find out more about the

gate. He'd pick up some leaflets and stuff for him. What? It's not an easy

he... Needs our support.

It's a matter of interest. Can you automatically tell who's gay and who

Well, no.

But if I look very easily into someone's eyes... Really?

Susan, it isn't you, is it? No, it fucking isn't.

I'm 100 % heterosexual, thank you very much. Well, believe me, no -one's 100 %

heterosexual.

Puff. You're not gay.

I know I'm not. I mean, the word is gay, not puff.

All right, I'm not fucking gay.

Why are you so scared of it? I'm not.

Are you scared of JP?

No. You like him?

He's all right, yeah.

Of course, there could just be a thing of infatuation. It could be that only JP

you're attracted to, not the whole gay thing.

You can start with people to admire. Along comes someone new and dynamic. I

not fancy JP.

People get... Crushes all the time, Brian. There's no law restricting them

the opposite sex.

You must have had crushes on blokes before, or idols.

No. No little admiration thing that may have tipped over into something deeper?

Maybe. Brian Robson at his peak.

There you go, then.

I didn't want to sleep with him.

Some things go deeper than sex.

How is he?

Confused, worried, concerned.

Ah, just where we want him.

You don't think we should lay off a bit?

Nah.

How you doing?

Alright.

I've got to... What about your dinner?

Well, he's not hungry.

We're eating.

Great. I'm starving.

Let me get this straight.

People tell you you might be gay and you just accept it.

Well... If I told you you were a mechanic, would you fix my car?

I'll probably have a go, yeah.

Ever you had confused feelings about yourself before?

I like women. There you go. Case solved.

Gay men like women, too.

I know you said one -night stands don't count, but, I mean, me and Jenny shagged

and there was no problem. I mean, it was pretty good.

He didn't ask you to indulge in any fantasy situations.

Based on a moustache, touch your toad and think of England.

We shagged, and a gay man wouldn't have done that.

You slept with him.

Morning.

Morning.

You get it sorted?

What? You went round to see Susan, yeah?

How do you know?

Ah, lucky guy.

Come to any conclusions?

I'll be in the car.

Yeah?

How's he doing?

Still on the endangered species with uncertain man.

Found only on the slopes of what could be a foot mountain.

Thanks for last night, Brian.

Alec really needed to know about you and me.

It just came out, sorry.

Next time you feel worried about something, do us all a favour and keep

yourself.

Actually, when you look at Jenny, there's something quite boyish about

isn't there?

Hang on.

You slept with her too?

It's just out of interest. Which of these does it fit?

How about this one? I reckon it'd go your side.

It's not unlike JP, actually.

Where?

You're not going anything better to do.

Let me think.

No, no, no.

Well, if none of these appeal, we could... You fuck us.

We're only trying to help. Coming to terms with a whole new sexual identity

can't be easy.

Any problems?

No. As school secretary, I like to stay ahead of the game.

Spot any crises before they arise.

Don't worry, Liz. We're on top of it. Just to let you know, boss wants you to

stay away from the guest buffet at lunchtime tomorrow.

Limited to senior staff members, organisers and guests.

What about hard -working members of staff?

Bring sandwiches.

Why don't you keep this? Have a look here.

Put on your locket door. Show us your favourite lighter.

The JP lookalike on page 23.

Thanks.

Vlogs and thongs don't really do for me.

Or me.

Sir, do we have your last man?

When's our time achieved, sir? One for the feet.

So any chance of an extension?

No.

I'll be five minutes.

It's just that recently I've been having doubts about some stuff.

Can you be more specific?

Do you think it's possible?

I mean, could somebody spend most of their lives being what they are and

suddenly one day think, maybe I'm not this thing at all?

Has this got something to do with Simon and Kate?

What about them?

About their friend who's in crisis.

Are you trying to tell me that you might be gay?

How?

I'm not sure what I can do to help.

You just have.

When?

You can't throw.

Who can't?

JP? So?

I can't fancy someone who can't throw, can I?

You fuckers are just going to have to find someone else to rip the piss out

You accepted a multitude of flaws in your girlfriends.

In fact, some of them had few redeeming features at all.

Maybe you're just more picky with your men.

Of course.

What?

Did you fancy every woman you saw?

Most of them. But not all?

No. So why should you fancy every bloke?

JP's just... Not your type.

You require someone with a strong throwing arm. And that someone might

along tomorrow.

Or the next day, or the day after that, or the day after that.

No.

No.

No. No.

Definitely no.

One bloke.

Hundreds. Could say longer than one morning.

As soon as you've finished your teas and coffees, if we could gather together

and make our way into the hall.

Tutors, could you make sure you turn up at your allotted times? We don't want a

log jam in the hall.

Thank you.

You do realise you're one of only two people you have the slightest interest

don't you?

As long as the other person's clear, I don't have to stand here like an idiot

trying to inject some enthusiasm and sincerity into proceeding.

As long as you know.

I get when I've always got you to remind me.

You've been summoned.

Sorry? Boss wants to see you after school.

So everyone here is completely happy with where they're going in the rest of

their lives.

Nothing I say is going to change your mind.

And today's career fair is a complete...

An utter waste of time for you. Can we use the session to do homework?

I give you the opportunity to skive off, and the most exciting thing you can

think of to do is your homework.

Fantastic.

Not one of you has a clue what they want to do.

Apart from running a lucrative protection racket, you two have no other

ideas? No.

No skills you've learned during all your years at school that you think could

help you find an alternative career?

Can you think of any?

If our paths should ever cross in later life, just remember I was a really top

bloke and liked you very, very much.

Shadow of the sky.

I need direction.

Take me to you.

I get visions. Come in. Oh, we just came to get some netballs.

I get visions.

Slowly reaction.

Why does she want to see me?

You can't give me one tiny clue.

Well, it's nothing to do with your masterly skills as a teacher.

Why can't anyone be straight around here?

Oh, giving yourself your own clues now.

I'm all for people referring to their sexuality if it's in the interest of

developing a more open and honest relationship with work colleagues.

But I don't believe in using school property as a personal notice board.

Sorry?

Celebrate your sexuality by all means, Brian.

But don't alienate people by ramming it down their throats.

So to speak.

For what it's worth, we both admire what you're doing.

Can't be easy.

All power to you.

Mother Nature's only one.

Brian's back at the union. He's majorly pissed off.

How pissed off?

That he's going to kill you. That pissed off.

Do you think he's pissed off?

Nah, he was loving it.

I think I'll head straight off.

Do you need to pick anything up from the staff room?

Just a jacket. I can leave it there for tomorrow. No reason for me to go in

there either.

I think we're scared of Brian.

The marking in my locker can wait as well.

Can anyone explain to me why virtually no one turned up for the careers fair

today? Not right now, no.

She took it as an indication that we'd worked so diligently with the kids on

their career choices that most of them had already been given a clear idea of

what they wanted to do.

You're joking.

Yes. She wants me to see everybody after school tomorrow to assess the whole

focus on the future fiasco.

So, shall we say 3 .45 for tomorrow's debrief?

I'd love to, but I've got this dental thing.

Brian's planning a major breakdown and I've promised I'll be there.

JP?

No. Why not?

It's extracurricular, so I don't need an excuse.

Fine.

Um, am I hearing things, or did you just say fine?

Like you said, it's extracurricular. I can't make him do it.

Well, I'm not doing it because I don't want to do it. No, me.

Okay.

Well, that's it.

I can only ask. If you say no, you say no.

I don't give a puff anymore.

The fact that it would mean hours of extra work for me shouldn't change your

mind. Great.

Here they all are.

Sitting here planning more little jokes to play on me.

Sorry?

The magazines were annoying.

The pictures in the locker were going a bit far, but who the hell talked to

Claire? Is it Claire now?

This is just a big laugh to you, isn't it?

I'm a big laugh.

A big, useless lump you can take the piss out of whenever you want.

Don't worry, it's only Brian.

We never meant to upset you.

Well, I am upset.

Fucking upset.

Right.

I'm trying to sort out a lot of things here, and all you can do is take the

piss. Why don't you sit down? I don't want to sit down.

From now on, you can all just fuck off.

Hands up, he feels like a total shit.

No happens and anything about them would be a left out.

I think you ought to go and talk to him.

He'll be alright in the morning.

Best to leave him when he's like this.

Brian.

He's not here.

Brilliant. Pissed off.

Think we ought to go and look for him?

He left Marjorie.

If it was serious, he'd have taken his chicken.

What's the

tactic?

The last thing we want to do is upset them again.

No. We grovel.

We make it clear how bad we're feeling about what happened.

If there's any way on earth we can make it up to him, however humiliating, we

will.

Grovel it is.

Where the hell were you last night? What happened to calling?

Fuck me, what have you done to yourself?

Surely you weren't that desperate.

I was shaving.

What, with a hedge trimmer?

Scalpel from the biology lab.

I was worried about you. Anything could have happened. Like what? You were in an

emotional state. You were capable of anything.

Were you worried something had happened, or were you worried how you'd feel if

something had happened? You couldn't have picked up a fucking phone.

What Kurt's trying to say in his own confirmed caring way is, are you OK?

What do you care?

You're still pissed off, that's fair enough.

It was a wind -up, that's all!

Really sensitive head, Lord. Well done.

A cup of coffee?

I can do it.

No, let me.

How's it going?

Pretty good. You?

Great.

What's happened to your face?

Splint scalpel.

Do it.

Can I top you off?

What's he doing?

I don't know, but he's driving.

Thank you for all your efforts over the last few days.

Those of you who have put any effort in.

Jenny, what's the schedule for today?

I had hoped to have a debrief session at the end of the afternoon, but most of

the tutors are unavailable.

They can't find five minutes to benefit their students?

Apparently not.

Really?

I'd certainly like to hear the reasons why.

I can change what I had planned.

Me too, not a problem. It should be fine.

I've already said I can't do it.

You can't cancel whatever you've got on?

Sorry.

Can you manage with who you have?

I think so. Good.

Just to say you haven't heard the last of Focus on the Future.

Carol will be handing out questionnaires to all tutors.

And I'll require detailed reasons as to why it wasn't all it should have been.

That goes for everyone.

Thank you so much for suddenly becoming available.

Don't mention it.

How is that, mate?

How long do you think you'll keep us on?

As long as it takes me to work out that we really do know.

We went too far this time.

What's this?

A delegation?

It's Brian.

What have you done to him? No.

He's really fucked up.

We'll blame him.

You have a word?

Why can't you have a word?

He doesn't want anything to do with us. Anyway, this gay stuff's got him all

confused. It'd be better coming from an expert.

As long as you prepare for the consequences.

What consequences?

Well, if you're still confused, there's only one of two ways this can go. And it

might not necessarily end the way you want it to.

Four times in two weeks. You're not... You're just not on there. How many times

do I have to tell you?

How many times do I have to tell you?

There's a target.

They're banking on you.

Don't pick around. Get in there and talk them out.

Don't backtrack, mate.

Brian.

I will confiscate it. Do you understand?

I've been thinking this.

Dating with Brian may not be so bad for you after all.

He might learn to cook with me.

Become a little more house -proud, more empathic, caring.

That's how you talk to your mum, is it?

I'm scared.

I've been thinking about what you said earlier.

What?

About you wondering whether someone could live the whole life as one thing

then find that as something else.

It's alright.

Really?

Yeah. No confusion?

You've been talking to those wankers, haven't you? Did they put you up to

They're really upset.

What?

They're worried that you might still be feeling mixed up. That there might have

been some things you quite liked about being different.

There were a few.

Like what?

Do you find being a gay man and talking to women a lot easier?

I suppose so.

Same here. It's a fucking revelation.

If I worry about my sexuality, I have no trouble chatting to them.

But you're not a gay man.

Can you tell?

Let me go stay to the point. Do you like men?

Some. In a sexual way?

Sorry? So the sight of the wreck pains me.

Christ, you lot don't hang about, do you? I mean, would you like one stuck up

your arse, or maybe you'd like to stick yours up someone else's arse? Steady on!

Graham, I just wanted to say, ignore what anyone, especially me, tells you

a career choice.

Chances are I'd be pushing you in a direction you don't really want to be

in anyway.

I'm sure there are many, many semi -retarded aeronautic engineers out

They already know the answer to this, but how do you feel the careers days

Anyone got anything to say at all?

Curtis. I've been thinking about what came up for me on the computer.

And? I told my dad I needed to take a year out, sort out what I want to do.

What did he say?

Nothing.

Oh, that's good.

Then I mentioned the theatre thing.

And? He's coming in to see you.

I never said that you shouldn't go to banking, did I? No, not in so many

But I knew what you meant.

No, you didn't. I was just making sure that you were absolutely certain that

choice you were making was the right one for you. And in your case, I think it

is absolutely the right choice.

Is it? There's no need for your dad to come down here.

As soon as you get home, tell him that your teacher was just...

Highlighting alternative, so you'd be absolutely certain with no reservations

that banking really was the job for you, which it is.

Probably.

Well,

how'd it go?

What did he say?

I've never seen Brian like that before.

It's hard to explain.

Why, is he still angry?

Not really angry.

More... resigned.

Resigned for what?

He wants to speak to you.

Me? Well, why not me?

I think it's best to let it go when you're wrong.

Brian still has unresolved issues with you.

He's right.

You go on your own.

I think he just said bastard again.

Oh, maybe I should have talked to him.

Yeah.

What do you want me to do, Susan?

You all right?

Never better.

No.

Angry?

No.

Serious?

No.

What's that?

It's all about Section 28.

Did you know there's nothing in law that prevents a teacher referring to his or

her sexual orientation?

If it's in the context of fostering a professional relationship of honesty

between teacher and pupil.

Really?

But your sexual orientation's obvious, isn't it?

Is it?

I need to talk to you.

Something you need to know.

Oh, shit.

Maybe we could go for a drink later.

We always go for a drink. I mean, go for a drink.

It is important.

He asked me out.

I think it's quite true.

You are fucking joking.

I need a drink. Just remind me of the brides they know at any time.

It's the first date, after all. This is not funny.

I know.

What the fuck am I going to do?

You have to go along a bit to a place that's so bad.

Well, what if it doesn't?

What, JP, would it look like being a gay man in a straight flat?

It was fine.

Straight men in a gay flat should be fine, too.

Just in case it...

Getting used to listening to Bob Streisand. And what's no better day for

smoothies?

No, JP?

I asked him to have another go at Brian.

Explained the wisdom of keeping an alternative lifestyle.

Alternative. Probably goes down the pink flamingo knocking back blue daiquiris,

then. Okay, I'm ready to hear your feeble excuses as to why you didn't turn

for the careers fair.

Brian, what are you drinking, mate?

Oh, the cardian coke.

Cheers. Bacardi and Coke?

With a twist of lime.

Any chance of that word now?

It's on it.

Wait.

No.

Shit.

What, honey?

Big Brian's about to declare his one day in love.

Oh, sweet.

I really respect you.

And you mean a lot to me.

My feelings for you have grown into something more than friendship.

It's only recently I've realised how much you mean to me.

That's... But I've also realised it's not enough.

Isn't it?

You were right about me and JP.

I do have feelings for him.

Deep.

Shit. In fact, we want to live together.

You already do.

I know how hard it would be for you, seeing us every day.

And I think it best for all of us, especially you, if you moved out.

You... moved me out of the flat?

Two's company and three's a crowd.

Especially if the third's not... one of us.

What? But you're not gay.

That's what I thought, too.

But everything you and Simon have said over the last few days suddenly made

sense. Everything you pointed out to me just proved to me that I was wrong. It

was a wind -up, for fuck's sake.

Tell him it wasn't real.

I was making it up. I didn't mean any of it.

All the evidence was there.

No, it was a piss stage.

You want evidence, irrefutable evidence?

Show him.

What's this?

This is where the whole fucking thing started.

I made up the stuff about hairdresser and flight attendant.

Your real kudos result is fireman, police officer, builder.

Fireman?

I'm sorry.

How sorry?

Really, really sorry.

About fucking time.

Take this back and get us a pint.

You are a conniving, piss -taking swat.

And you...

A relying, backstabbing little shit.

That's cleared that up, then.

I have learnt one important lesson from all this, though.

Humility, compassion, understanding.

It's easier to get on with women when you're a queen.

Next time I go out on a pull, I'm going gay, no fucking question.

Fireman, policeman, construction worker.

Isn't that three -fifths of the village people?

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