Original subtitles

Top five female singers in order of shaggability.

Are we talking current or in their prime?

Oh, in their prime.

Baby Irish has got to be up there. Madonna, no question.

Celine. I don't want to work out the top five shaggable men in the world ever.

It's impossible.

You choose a category.

What about the top five members of staff?

You can't get much narrower than that. Modesty prevents me from entering,

obviously. Top five, not top 55.

Top literates. What a surprise.

She's not emotionally stable enough for your cure.

Oh, fuck off.

Check out his mobile.

Yeah.

12 text messages. 43 the other evening.

Why? Why?

Why? Why?

Why? Sounds like she wants to know why.

Poor Carol.

What about me? I need help here.

If she's still chasing after you, I'd say she needs the help.

If you were shagging someone else, you'd know there wasn't a chance, wouldn't

you? How's he going to manage that?

That's a good point.

What about if you set up Carol with someone and then she'd get over it?

Well, we'd need a really hopeless case. How about Simon?

What about JP?

He thought he was desperate enough to go out with you.

JP and Carol, I don't think so.

But you think me and Carol's all right?

He'd definitely be in my top five staff members.

Why? Let me think. He's good -looking, intelligent, charming. He's okay in a

handsome, great, fun, cliché kind of way.

You don't find him a little bit irritating?

No. Why, do you? No.

Just threw it in there as a question.

See you there.

How many's that?

Six so far.

I just don't understand all the fucking hysteria around the bloke.

Who's getting hysterical?

Well, you.

It's only not your back.

It was just a passing thing.

Look at that. See?

What about that lab assistant, Tricia?

The one who smells herself up.

Occupational hazard.

You know, you don't actually need to go out with someone. You just need to look

like you're going out with someone.

Boy, every time Carol's around, she sees you with someone else.

Laughing, chatting, talking.

Eventually she'll put one and one together and... That is genius.

Penny's got no idea what a sad little perv you are.

Therefore, she's probably the only woman in the room who wouldn't run a mile if

you stood next to her for more than 30 seconds.

Perfect.

Sit.

These are the amended schedules and timetables, as promised.

Sorry they're late.

Please get to know them.

Pupils wandering the corridors, gormlessly searching for classrooms we

with, but I'd like to avoid staff members doing the same.

I'm also starting gate monitors for the beginning and end of school.

Liz has very kindly drawn up a rota, and this week's lucky winners are Mr

McKenna and Mr Keating.

Oh, I'm sorry, I can't do it tonight, Claire.

I'm expecting a delivery of videos for the languages lab.

I don't want the valuable resources of the school sitting around unattended.

Fine.

Referring down to the reserve.

Simon. I've got stuff on today too.

What, at the end of school?

Could be.

Put down, Mr Casey.

Any more questions?

Yes,

Mr McKenna.

You wanted to say something?

Uh, no.

Just, uh, looking forward to monitoring the gate.

Thank you, everyone.

How the hell did JP get out of the monastery?

He doesn't play with his charm.

We can all be charming.

Go on, then.

It's not something you can just turn on.

I thought that was exactly what it was.

Problem? No, I just... Keen as I am to be seen as a

responsible and reliable member of staff.

Your point?

I was wondering if I might be excused monitoring today.

Why?

I had planned to talk to a couple of my year 11 straight after school about

their projected grades.

Talk to them tomorrow.

Look, I'm not feeling 100%, to be honest. The touch of the stomach

I'd really appreciate... You're not still pulling that one, are you?

What? The tropical disease I picked up in Malaysia routine.

That was doing all right until then, yeah.

Constant reinvention is the key to a successful disguise.

Ask your pupil.

Um, Marisol Neal.

No, I'd sooner have a pink rose.

Why? Because you are like a pink rose cos of Sicily.

What's missing here?

Brandon sounds bored.

He should be more... Charming? Yeah.

Okay, and what is charm?

Being nice to someone, making them feel good and special.

Well, isn't it really being nice to get what you want?

I suppose.

And what does he want?

Her. So he's using it to get into a knickers.

And what does that tell you about charm?

The way of getting what you want.

That it's essentially fake.

Why does it work?

It works because people are suckers for being told how great they are.

What the hell's going on out here? I'm sorry, Mr Casey. We were trying to tell

jokes in French and we got a little bit carried away. I'm sorry. It was just...

No, no, we were being disruptive.

Why can't you lot be more like Mr Casey's class?

See how quiet they are? They were loud earlier.

Sorry.

Don't worry about it.

You want to go through?

Sorry.

Right.

Where were we?

Charm works because people are suckers.

Got to get Carol and Penny in the same room.

And then make you look like Penny's interested in you.

Not too difficult.

Men have walks on the moon.

Pat it, you big twat!

Hey.

Imagine the look on my friends' faces if I turned up at the pub with her on me,

huh? I am your friend.

You'd be surprised, wouldn't you?

You'd be fucking amazed.

But you wouldn't ask her out, would you? Seriously.

No. I wouldn't go for Penny under normal circumstances, either.

Lovely girl, but it'd get too complicated.

Exactly.

Better keep it all on a professional standing.

That way you avoid hurting anyone.

And making a tit of yourself.

Hey!

Where are you going?

Office.

It's something I'm eating.

Talk about Penny again.

Why? Just talk about her again.

Lovely tits.

Now something else?

Apparently we're raps, aren't we?

You only hiccup when it's to do with her.

Bollocks. Must be some kind of stress -related reflex.

Maybe that kebab I finished for breakfast.

Stop thinking about her. How's it going?

Great.

If you look for her tonight, I'm going to this new bar that's open.

Always ready to broaden our horizons.

You've had a lot of experience with females, haven't you?

Are you going to ask me for advice about women?

We need help.

Well, I may not be the authority you think I am, but you've got to be better

than us.

You coming for a drink?

Sorry. You're talking to me?

Only we thought we'd try something different.

Who's we?

J .P.'s just a man.

You sure I won't be in the way? I mean, if you're going to beg him for a second

chance. Shut up.

How's that going to work?

That's what I said.

You see, there's nothing to do with this. Don't sneak around like a couple

idiots. Talk to Penny direct.

What are they talking about?

halfway through my lip -reading course.

Who's on for tonight?

Simon?

Hands up! All those who remember me suggesting going to another pub last

But you suggested a shit -up. This place is supposed to be all right. I think

I'll just go down the pub. Why?

Because I like the pub.

Let's go to the pub, then.

You don't have to go just because I'm going. Yeah, I like the pub too.

You don't have to like it.

I know.

As long as we're clear on that.

That's better than... They're all going to the pub now.

Looks like it.

What if I was looking forward to a night away from you lot?

Another

day

ends and the pub beckons.

Actually, I think I might give it a miss tonight.

It's a bit of a turnaround, isn't it?

From social secretary to anti -social secretary.

I just decided to have a night on my own.

I thought it was women who are supposed to have the mood swings who are starting

to sound just like Simon.

Is he all right?

Are you talking physically or psychologically?

He was pissed off about something.

No, he's always pissed off.

Did I have to do something to wind him up?

Being a...

Likeable, entertaining, half -decent human being who gets on with his friends

could have something to do with it.

Plus the fact that most of the women in the school fancy you.

You think it'd make a difference if he knew I was gay?

You're male and under 25. It's enough to get him looking over his shoulder.

Don't worry about it.

It's fun watching him run around like a mental case trying to read you and

getting it so badly wrong.

Excellent.

Quiz night here on Wednesday.

Really?

Make a note in your diary.

OK, top five world leaders' wives.

Hillary Clinton.

Mrs Gorbachev.

Imelda Markoff. Is this what you always do?

No. Yes, it is.

It's only the categories that change.

I can't take any more stimulation. I'm heading home.

Thank you for the uncanny recreation of my Auntie Margaret's funeral.

I've got a game, if anyone fancies playing it.

Anything.

What are you thinking right now?

What? You've got to say it, that's a game. That's not a game.

Yes, it is. What were you thinking?

Fantastic tits.

What? Did I say that out loud?

Maybe it's not such a great game to play in a present company.

I can't take all the credit, actually.

They're not real.

Had them done three years ago.

Well, how could you afford that? On HP.

They're false.

Well, they still look and feel like the real thing.

Do they?

Feel them.

Oh, I thought they'd be hard.

Yeah, you have to massage them every day when they're first in.

It's malleable.

Don't they feel weird?

Very.

Congratulations. You're the first person to maintain their full attention for 30

seconds.

31.

Don't sit here all night.

Cheers.

See you tomorrow.

Same time, same place.

What did you mean by that?

You meant don't sit in here drinking all night. No.

You meant don't sit in here any longer than you have to because it's a shit

hole. And cheers meant thanks for reinforcing all my preconceptions about

this evening was going to be like.

to be read into the way he put on his jacket.

How does he manage to make me feel like a complete wanker every time?

He doesn't have to work hard to do that.

He shouldn't even be.

Why not? Because he hasn't been around long enough.

You have to wait to get invited in, then you do the apprenticeship thing, work

your way up to acceptance until your newness has become a thing of the past,

you achieve inclusion then, and only then.

Can you suggest an alternative place to fucking drink?

You don't think you're overreacting a little bit?

No.

Totally understandable.

What is? You feeling a bit resentful. I do not feel resentful. What then?

Challenged? Threatened? Give me one good reason why I should feel threatened.

He's new, therefore novel.

He's young, smart, funny, charming, enthusiastic.

reliable, responsible, gets on with the staff and the kids, does his job well,

appeals to both women and men, has good taste, good

teeth, a good body.

I only ask for one.

See you there.

I don't wanna see

How many? Eight.

You've got to talk to Penny.

I'll talk to her, if you like.

You wouldn't get the first words out, you suffering gif. I can't help it.

False tits, though.

False leg. Who gives a fuck?

I've been thinking.

What happens if she doesn't keep up on the HP payments?

Do they come round and take them back?

Well, hopefully they go for the television and video first.

Remember, just pretend.

Hey!

It's blowing it. Get in there and help him.

You've still got them then.

Kate wants to know if you'll help him out with something.

Ah, it's delicate.

Very delicate.

I've been phoning a certain assistant to a headteacher.

Who wears glasses.

Carol's having trouble coming to terms with her split from Kate.

Oh, no.

He wants to make it clear to her that it's over, but without upsetting her

again. So he needs someone, a new girlfriend, to be seen with.

You want me to go out with Kurt?

Pretend.

It's only pretend.

Why don't you just talk to her?

I can't. He can't get on with doing her no good. She's making herself ill.

That's awful.

I knew you'd understand what I'm going through. I meant for Carol.

And now you mention it, I did sense a lot of negative energy in that office.

We need to let her down gently.

And you think this is the best thing for the both of you?

I just don't want to rub salt in the wounds.

I've got a free period. If you like, we can take it through. I've got a lesson

now. Could we do it later?

Let's go.

In a dormant volcano, the hump is more roundy.

Like a... Like a... Like what, sir?

Roundy thing.

I think Kurt's planning to break our agreement.

What agreement?

That neither of us is seriously going to go after Penny.

That they're both just going to pretend to be a knight and for character.

This is J .P.'s plan.

It'll work if Kurt doesn't bollocks you.

Have you checked our gate monitors for today? You're down to fill in for J .P.?

He must be busy again.

Amazing how busy he keeps himself, isn't he?

He must have another delivery.

You really think he had one yesterday?

If he says he did.

Hey, Pete, Brian wants a quick word with you.

Do I?

He's got to set up the hall for badminton after school, and now because

covering for you, he's got all this gate monitor stuff on. Why didn't you say

so? Were you saying so?

No. Well, if it's a problem, then I can do it. No delivery today, then? Yeah,

but if Brian can't cover... Busy old department languages.

Or do they deliver one tape at a time?

They changed it last minute of the day.

But if it's difficult for you, I'll do the monitoring.

He's cleverer than I thought.

Is he?

He only said yes because he knew I was testing him and he didn't want to look

bad. He's way.

He'll be palming it off onto someone else in five minutes.

After hours of tense negotiation, emotional blackmail, and the odd white

Penny's agreed to help.

We're liaising in the office in five minutes.

What do you want me to do?

Nothing.

Penny and I can handle it.

This is all as we discussed, right?

What did we discuss?

You know, complications.

Kurt and a woman.

Complications come with interrogation.

I'm coming in.

Fine.

Ready? When you are.

How's it going?

All right.

All right.

How are you, uh, getting on with the new bloke?

Uh, don't have him, but he seems all right.

You, uh... You, uh, like him?

He's all right.

As all right as they... be?

Yeah.

No... worse or better?

No.

You don't find him a bit too... pushy? No.

Not a bit too cheerful.

I quite like that. Good.

Good.

Good.

What's that all about?

Fuck knows.

Hi. Is Carol around?

She's chasing up stationary suppliers. Will I not do?

Not for this, no.

Treat you.

Penny, how are you?

Good. You?

Yeah, very good.

Great to see you.

Is Carol coming back soon?

Why? No reason.

Why do you want to see her?

I'll try again later.

Thanks, Liz.

Didn't you want to get something from the office?

Carol? Carol's not here.

And I can't help, apparently. So, I'm leaving.

What were you doing?

What? You know what?

Give me a hint.

Your fucking arm around Penny!

What about it?

We had an agreement.

So?

You could have told us that Penny's performing in order to help Carol. You

so?

Tell me anyone else who would have agreed to appear as your girlfriend.

Oh, you tell me.

No one.

Exactly. So why do you think she did?

And don't whine on about helping Carol. Why else?

Maybe she enjoys it. Bob!

If she's willing to appear as my girlfriend, maybe she's secretly fancied

being my girlfriend. And if she does, I'd be an idiot to part with her,

I? Eh?

I don't think I can stand in that pub for another night.

We're not going to the pub.

Are we?

There's a karaoke night on at the bar JP was talking about. I'd rather have my

arms hacked off with a rugby chisel.

That can be arranged.

I'm going to the pub.

I thought you couldn't stand another night in that place.

At least be quiet.

Because you'll be on your own.

I do have other friends apart from you lot, you know. Who?

I don't have to rely on the likes of fucking Jim Bob to organise my social

Why are you scared of?

That it'll be a good night?

Well, now it'll be a good night.

So why not come?

Because I've got better things to do than reinforce the false impression that

don't have better things to do.

Are you feeling rejected by your friends?

Ignored? I'm feeling like part of the fucking furniture.

There are no easy answers to an identity crisis.

This isn't an identity crisis.

Classic.

Are people finding me less interesting?

Is that it? Do you think I need to reinvent myself?

You can't suddenly become what you're not. You have your own peculiar appeal.

Kind of whinging, useless, moaning charm.

That's why I come to you. You always made me feel so much better.

It's not a competition between you and JP.

Something we can do for you?

Oh, just checking any roads here.

Been a long day.

Yep.

Child needs a... unwind.

Dry throat.

Is this list of mundane ailments leading anywhere?

I was just thinking you... You don't fancy a drink tonight, do you? Has

else in the school died?

No, I just thought you might fancy going for a drink.

Where are the other two?

I don't know and I don't care.

You've had a falling out and you've got no -one else to play with. Is that it?

Do you want to go for a drink or not? Love to.

Great. But unfortunately, I'm already busy.

How about... you?

She's busy too.

Thought I'd ask.

Pretend I'm Penny.

Talk to me. You look nothing like her.

Better?

Good.

Go again.

I, uh,

don't suppose you found you going out for a drink tonight?

No. Right.

Stupid idea. Drink?

Yeah, so, so. What about?

That. The general idea, yeah.

Yeah, I'd love to. Yeah, thanks a lot.

What's that, Brian?

If you stop hiccuping, start belching, start to hiccup.

We'll get out your evening.

Yes.

I don't know why you let this get to you so much. I mean, no, I just don't like

the fact that all of my friends are studying all this fucking crap.

Well, maybe it's because you're quite similar.

You like the same people, the same people like you.

Except they seem to be liking him more. They just don't know him as well as they

know you, and they haven't found his irritating bits yet.

I've got irritating bits.

Stumped emotions, the need to be centre of attention, the constant stroking,

reassurance he needs to get through the average day. Well, isn't that everyone?

He only wants to get to know them.

So, he's similar to me, but newer.

It's a theory. And therefore more exciting and attractive.

Well... That's what you're saying, isn't it? You're saying he's like me, but

better.

It's sabotage.

I did not nick your deodorant or your hair gel, all right? Well, look at me,

fuck's sake.

You're definitely not coming.

How's it going with Kurt?

Why are you doing it?

Chasing after somebody who's not interested in you is the worst thing in

world, being there, damn it.

You don't think it's unfair to her?

more unfair than your plan was.

Can I ask you something?

When you look at me, what do you see?

I don't know.

A teacher.

You see a teacher first?

Do I detect a crisis of identity here? Oh, for fuck's sake, no.

I know all about identity crises. From the age of 13 to 19, I was invisible.

Literally.

When were you born?

January 28th, 1974. Why?

Aquarius with Venus rising.

Is that good?

The water carrier.

Single -minded, but neurotic, prone to self -doubt and back problems.

If you give me the time of day that you were born, I can do you a chart, if you

like. I don't need a chart.

That's what everybody who needs a chart says.

What triggered this off?

I thought I knew who I was, but I'm not him anymore, apparently, but I'm still

trying to be him and not coming to terms with who I really am, and now someone

else is him, and I'm... Fuck knows.

Believe me, you need a chart.

You're sweating already.

Oh, shit.

Don't worry, some women like that.

Some women like what?

Sweaty, smelly little blokes with crap hair.

What's going on with you, Penny?

You've noticed.

She asked me about you.

Oh, yeah? About any previous sexual deviancy I might be aware of.

It's got anything to do with you and Carol.

What, someone can't be interested in me for me? Is that it?

It has to be part of some...

sordid little plan cooked up to get Carol off my back.

Well, thanks very much.

I thought I would tell them a bit more esteem than that.

What plan?

Don't tell them.

What are we all having?

Beer for me and a Italian coke for the lady.

What are you doing?

Just being friendly.

Carol's not even here yet.

Right.

Does Penny know what she's taking on?

She's not remotely fucking interested in Kurt.

That goes without saying. I mean, does she know about Carol's psychotic

tendencies and Liz's protective instincts?

I forgot to mention it.

Don't you think you should? We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

So he goes.

Let's all go to karaoke.

Then immediately everyone says, karaoke, yeah.

We can go to karaoke. I don't want to go to fucking karaoke.

I never wanted to go to karaoke.

Well, sure.

Then I chose to come here with you.

We're going to start trading in self -pity.

I warned you. I'm going to win hands down. Well, what's the worst thing that

happen to you? You forget the...

Get your fucking coursework in on time. Well, Claire has a go about your grade

average. Don't talk to me about Claire. You don't like Claire? No, Claire is

fine. It's just what she is that chokes me.

Three times I have applied for the headship, and three times I've been over

fucking look, so don't get me going on that.

Fine. No, no, two legs. I'm going to get another round.

Actually, I'm feeling pretty tired at the moment. I think I'll just get my

done.

years shag either of these two. Never.

And have you ever in any way, shape or form fancied them?

No.

Clear things up.

Where did that leave the deal? Deal, well, next time you manipulate an

unsuspecting person into participating in one of your gutless acts of gross

stupidity, at least have the courtesy to warn them of all the possible

consequences.

They're harsh.

Penny was put in an impossible position.

How could she have said yes to either of those questions?

True. But never and no seemed pretty conclusive.

Oh, fuck it.

She's here.

I'm looking particularly unstable.

You thought we'd hiccup him?

No, we didn't.

Go for a drink, mate.

It's your round.

I can't go to the bar now, can I?

Give me the money.

Two bottles of lager, mate.

Yeah. No, you don't.

Not a bad place.

Well, we're done with our hit and happy hour with human sponge here.

Well, stay happy.

Things could be worse, I suppose.

My last child was born.

How old are they?

23.

What? Oh what now?

A bust?

This will never, ever stop in a conversation between us again.

Understood? In fact, you may erase it from your memory of talking to me.

I've already forgotten it.

I'd obviously prefer if you didn't talk to anybody about, you know, when I told

you tonight.

It goes without saying. Daddy,

I...

That track will contain the combination of the strongest soporifics known to

medicine.

You were miffed.

Someone

said

they saw you going out with Bob.

Don't worry.

I told them there must have been hallucinating.

He gave up a top evening out to go for a drink with Bob.

There was stuff he needed to get off his chest.

Yeah? Of a highly confidential and personal nature.

What?

He didn't get the headship at the third attempt, and he hasn't had a shag in 23

years. Fuck, you know.

That's what I said.

So, how was your evening?

We got knocked back by Penny.

You amaze me.

We didn't bank on Jenny shoving her oar in.

So, the golden boy's plan failed.

And the message is, one, bye.

That's it?

Yep.

You didn't declare that.

I heard it was a bit of a disappointing evening.

You had its moment.

So I did.

Heard that it was like being kissed by a vacuum cleaner.

And how was Bob?

I think we've got a much better understanding of each other now.

Is that a good or a bad thing?

It's got to be good.

Sorry to hear about last night.

What? Well, I got the impression it wasn't a great success.

It was all right, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah?

The third text message this morning.

What does it say?

I know where you live.

Did you get home all right?

Of course.

You're out like a lion as soon as you hit the bus, see?

Got those lesson plans for me?

I'll get them to you.

End of tomorrow.

Latest. Well, I'll try. Just try. Do it. What's wrong with you?

Look, just because we go out for a drink together doesn't change anything here.

I still want those plans and I want them on time.

Understand?

What's even worse than it was before?

Thought we had been opened up to you.

Now he's scared you're going to blast that room.

I wouldn't want anyone knowing that I hadn't had sex in 23 years or that I'd

tried and failed three times to get the headshot on. I'd be flabby around.

Just how?

Shit. And he just needs reassuring.

He fucking doesn't. Oh, you're not still worried about becoming part of this

furniture? Nah.

Should I be?

No more than anyone else.

Just you're more Parker Knoll than the Terence Conrad steam bleach with

recliner. And J .P.'s the recliner.

For now.

Well, what are you?

I'm more your solid wood frame wingback.

Common sense buy with added comfort.

I know. Cupboard service?

You're a Welsh dresser to his maple hi -fi unit.

Table?

Mahogany effect nest to his blonde wood glass top. Please, sir.

Can I go on?

So I'm functional rather than exciting.

Functional's good.

Yeah, but it's not dazzling, is it? You'll still have a moment.

Yeah? I'd far rather film something functional than dazzling.

Are we still talking furniture?

We are still talking furniture.

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