Original subtitles

I thought about having friends in high places before, but it's really great.

At least I can get completely rash -arse during the week and not have to worry

about anyone breathing down my neck.

Could you have been there with me?

Yeah, you take over year eight as well.

No, Brian, because then I'll be in charge of you.

If you're so pleased about it, then maybe I can run something past you.

Go on, then. Let's hear your lovely plans.

I've got to redefine the policy of our past repair, though.

Look, now, you've changed my mind.

No, Susan, it sounds really interesting.

Tell us about it.

Don't spare any of the details.

Tell you what, I won't bother.

Thank God for that. Who wants another drink?

Not now.

Shots. I'm going to go and seduce Maggie.

OK. Jenny and Susan.

Or Maggie.

Leave me out of it.

Maggie. No, disrespect.

Susan and Jenny.

Or Maggie.

Me.

Actually, I've always found you strangely betrothed.

If that had been for Maggie, I would have chosen you.

Liar. Anyway, what makes you think I'd want you to choose me?

Because I know you love me. And you're just hanging around in an aged

relationship waiting for me to come to my senses and whisk you away. But

obviously that's never going to happen and you're going to die embittered.

If you don't stop now, I'll have to kill you.

If you do this on Thursday, Peter will kill you.

What's happening on Thursday?

Me and Maggie are going to dinner with her and Peter. Can we come?

No. I'll be rubbish then.

Well, I'm really looking forward to it.

She's my gorgeous girlfriend.

And I want her to meet all my wonderful friends.

Carry on like that.

You won't have any left.

I couldn't help it.

Because I think you're really, really right.

I'm over it, God.

What happened?

You talked shite, got a bit amorous. I tried to seduce you and then you lost

consciousness.

Did I?

Yeah.

Took all me clothes off, dancing about, got the baby all out. It's no good.

You didn't, did you?

No. But it wouldn't have made any difference if I had.

You should have tried that.

Thing that you do. I do?

That's the first time, that's the first night we haven't had sex.

Well, have that one sooner or later.

And you'll go first.

Definitely. Yeah, it's got to be Bob.

I saw him telling himself off in the mirror yesterday. Oh, he does that all

time. But look at her.

She's right on the edge.

Fiver.

Be nice to me about this.

Right, this will only take a second.

I've done a new pastoral care programme and I wanted to give you these for this

week's topic.

Ah, sex.

My favourite subject. These are for Year 11 form tutors only.

Why are we ever going to learn? I'll buy you lunch if you both piss off now.

Right.

The idea is to make sure that each topic is discussed in the right social

context. So, for example, when we talk about sex, we talk about it in the

context of marriage and permanent relationships, that sort of thing.

Morning, everyone.

Just wanted to check you're all on top of coursework folders.

All in by Friday, please.

Remember, we all need good results, not just for kids.

So, um, I've done up this questionnaire to get us started.

Do we have to do it today?

Don't panic.

I've done the background for you. It's all quite straightforward.

Four o 'clock, my office coursework.

So right for you, Jenny.

Fine.

Claire has insisted that we get on with it as soon as possible. How come we

didn't ask whether it was all right for me?

You were saying?

I was trying to say.

It's high priority.

So, give it a go today, and we'll catch up again tomorrow and see how we got on.

OK? Is that it?

That's it.

Oh, and try not to get into homosexuality.

But I've got child troney in my class.

Luke, try and get them talking.

We all know that once you're in a relationship, gay or straight, the sex

fucked anyway. So it doesn't really matter what you say.

So do you know that's true?

I mean, is it like a law of the universe?

Obviously I know what you're talking about.

That relationship, sex, death thing. I mean, is that what's happened with you

and Peter?

Yeah, that's right. We only do it on Sundays by appointment with the lights

If at all.

Really? No.

Is it better to wait until you're in a stable relationship before having sex?

Can you have a good relationship without having sex?

How long do you think you should go out with someone before considering sleeping

with them?

What was the question again?

Can you have a good relationship without having sex?

Yeah. With my mum.

Let's look at another question.

Is sex better in a stable relationship?

Well, you tell us. You're the one that's got one.

Well, it can get a bit... We're supposed to be discussing what you lot think.

You tell me.

No, you tell us. No, you tell me. Well, we don't know.

Doesn't all the sex stop once you settle down? Yeah, my mum and dad haven't done

it for years.

Stopped already, hasn't it? Mm -hmm.

I feel sorry for your girlfriend.

Yeah, dancing around in her underwear and you didn't take a blind bit of

I'll probably do it before you do.

So will we.

I'm not talking about tits, Cheryl. What is it?

Right. Have you ever been out with someone who didn't want to have sex with

It's Greg. He's just not into it.

Do you think it's possible that even though you're mad about each other, the

thrill of sex has waned now you're in a relationship?

No.

We haven't done it at all.

Oh, right.

Maybe seeing someone else.

It's always possible.

Yeah, so what should I do?

Well, maybe... What do you want to do?

I want to have sex with him.

Right.

Well... What, do you think that makes me a slug?

No, of course not.

I don't know. Are you?

But just because you've reached that once a week on a Wednesday... Well, I

haven't. We still do it. It's just... Look, if... If you want it to work out,

just explain to him how you feel.

How? Tell him what you said a minute ago.

Yeah, but what if he says no?

Well, if you're not... If there's no, er... spark, then what's the point?

So it's OK when you want some tea?

Eh. Go on, why not?

Cheers, Tommy.

Oh, Mark, I thought I'd missed you. I need to talk to you. Can I have a look

that? Uh, I think my whole life's about to fall apart.

Simon, if you and Maggie have got problems with your sex life, we need you

talk to me tonight, because I don't know if I can bear to hear the details.

Forget it. Can we have a chat about the questionnaire?

Um, can I... Talk about it tomorrow.

Yes, but I thought I might be able to help you out a bit. I prepared a load of

stuff when I was doing your job and we haven't really had a hand in it. I say I

was going to go and have a fag.

I don't mind.

Do you have an issue with how I've done it?

I think there are some aspects that could be looked at in more detail.

Such as?

Well, I did a load of research into all areas of sex education when I first took

the job on. You'd be welcome to have a look at it. She hasn't got time to

to my problems, but somehow she can make time for Jenny.

I've got more than enough stuff to wade through as it is.

OK.

Susan with Jenny's arse or Jenny with Susan's tits? Oh, no contest.

How about Maggie or Cagney and Lacey both with their own arses and tits?

She's my friend, not Jenny's.

So, are you and Susan talking about anything special?

If it was any of your business, I might tell you.

Greg Simmons is in your form, isn't he?

And?

Is he all right, do you think?

If you consider collecting Jeffrey Dahmer memorabilia and shooting small

at weekends all right, then yes, I suppose he is.

Has he come to you with any personal problems?

That's Susan's department now.

OK.

These are the marking schemes for all three pieces of coursework. Now, you

collate the appropriate components of the sonnet essay mark with those of you,

the bridge, and of mice and men.

And in order to try to salvage somebody's pitiful or non

-existent sex lives...

I propose that we exchange our sexual insecurities together as a group to see

that makes for a stimulating solution. So let's start with the most extreme

in the group.

Simon!

What? Swap your coursework for objective comparison later in the week.

I'm dead.

We're going to need more detail here, mate.

I needed out of a hole, so I dictated an essay to the class and told them to

rewrite it in their own words.

Nice one.

They've all made exactly the same mistakes. They've got practically the

grades. Apart from one swatty little freak who couldn't just cheat like

else, don't know. He had to go and do it himself.

So now my best student's got the worst mark and she'll spot it.

Relax. Who cares about other people's marks?

If Jenny were talking about, it wouldn't be so bad, but now my personal

life's falling apart and Susan's deserted me.

We don't mind listening to you dribble on if it makes you feel better.

Have you ever worried that

things aren't working out, you know?

Sexually? All the time, mate. It's nothing a woman can sort out.

Can't you get it up? It's not that.

I think life's gone a bit... missing.

Has it all fallen apart and you've forgotten why you loved her and you wish

were dead?

No. Is it that you still love her, but she's looking at you and thinking, I

wouldn't shag him again if you put a gun to my head?

What happens to...

Every relationship after a while. How the fuck would you know?

Bad news.

It says you have to work hard to keep it fresh.

50 ways to keep your relationship alive.

Here's a good one.

Why not invite your friends to join you?

Generous offer, but no thanks.

Surprise your partner in a public place.

What? Like... That's good.

Well, why not try role -playing?

I tell you what, I'll be you, you be me.

When's Maggie coming round?

Just don't say anything about what we've been talking about, will you?

Get us a drink or I'll see you for wasting police time. Nothing in. Play

not till Friday.

Pub then?

I've got homework to do.

What, you're not even going to eat?

Maggie, you know what you go around Tesco's? Do you ever find yourself

lewd thoughts?

Fuck it.

Let's go out and eat. I've got plenty of time for work.

Excellent.

Would you rather have sex behind the fish counter in Tesco's or at the

in Quicksilver?

Do you think we're getting... What?

Nothing.

One of the girls in my class came to see me today.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, she's worried that her and her boyfriend aren't having sex.

I thought they'd be shagging like monkeys like we used to.

What do you mean, used to?

We still are, aren't we?

I meant when we were 16.

Oh, right.

Yeah, well, obviously not.

So, er, she came to me for advice.

Oh!

Hmm.

What?

Hmm, erm... So, what did you tell her?

Well, I told her... to tell him how she's feeling.

A bit young to be losing interest in sex, aren't they?

No, they haven't done it at all. That's the problem.

She can't persuade him to.

Well, if they don't want to do it now, what's going to happen later on?

Have I felt the urge to do something really dangerous?

I'm not doing a runner from this restaurant.

No, that's not what I mean.

More like,

All right.

Where's the most exciting place you've ever had sex?

In a car park.

Is that it?

With my best mate, Jill.

Fucking hell.

Do you remember?

If that's something, would you still... What about you?

Where have you done it?

Well, in the Mediterranean with a woman.

I did it in the back of my mate's car once while his mum was driving.

I didn't want to fight a reddy. I remember this time I went to arrest this

who'd been done for shoplifting and we went into the changing room. Yeah, OK,

OK. And this other time I did it at work in a cell. There were seven other

blokes. All right, but not really what I... Well, I've always kind of...

Fancy doing it in a... In a restaurant.

Is that the best you can do?

They have nice, clean toilets in here.

Oh, you mean now.

God, no, I'm not saying it.

Hello, children.

Can I... Can we

use your room, bro?

No.

You haven't cooked for a week and I'm going to bed.

But... Remember what I said earlier?

You know... Yes.

Well, if you're watching this, can we sleep in your room?

Mm.

So I may, I think we'll just watch TV.

We haven't missed much.

If you're only on that ball.

Of how many?

Seventy -three.

Excellent.

Don't mind me. Jesus Christ. What the?

I got cold around lap 42.

What about?

Took your advice.

I dumped Greg. What?

I asked him. He said no, so fuck him.

I didn't tell you to do that.

I said that he was jealous.

Homosexual Pauline's got nothing to do with you. I told him what you told me.

There's no point in us going out if we're not going to shag. I did not say

You dumped him just because he didn't want to have sex with you?

Yeah.

How did we all get on?

Any problems?

No.

Simon?

We can't just give them a set of rules and tell them to get on with it.

I mean, one of the girls might come to me with a problem, and I'll give her a

piece of advice that'd work for someone else, but it'd be totally wrong for her.

Was there a specific problem?

No.

No, it's just this stuff's totally irrelevant.

Thanks for that.

Thanks. Did anyone have a more positive experience?

I still think there are other areas that could be included.

Yeah, I think we've established that's what you think. Well, shouldn't we use

this as an opportunity to talk about divorce?

Over half the kids in this school have parents who aren't together. We are

coming round to that eventually. Yes, but you can't address the positives of

marriage without addressing the negatives. You need to look at it in a

lateral way. Yeah, well, as you're obviously the expert on relationships,

sure I should defer to you. But as I'm head of year, I'll continue to decide

we teach this subject.

As long as it doesn't mean any more work for us, I don't care what we have to

teach them.

I just think it's bollocks.

Yeah, well, fortunately, you don't actually have a personal thing in the

curriculum. Sorry, I don't have time for this.

I knew I could rely on your support.

Well, it's shit.

I don't believe you did that to me in front of them. You're supposed to be my

friend. Yeah, when it suits you.

What's that supposed to mean?

Whenever I want to talk to you, you're too busy.

Oh, take to all the rubbish.

Jenny!

Don't you ever walk out on me like that again.

There's no point being there if no -one's going to listen to me.

I don't want to listen to you telling me how you would have done the job better.

Yes, you'd rather listen to Simon telling you how to do your job better.

I'm just trying to give equal respect to every foreign teacher. Would you mind

fucking off?

Shame that doesn't include me.

You're just pissed off I got the job and you didn't. No, I've gone out of my way

to cooperate with you, but you just throw it back in my face.

Well, I'm sorry that's how you feel. It's not the way I see it. Look, try and

put yourself in my position.

I worked really hard on all that stuff, and of course I was disappointed not to

get the job.

But what seems like a real shame is if all the work I did goes to waste.

It might actually be useful to you.

And if you don't want to use it, that's fine, but at least do me the favour of

casting your eye over it.

I will look it up.

In fact, why don't I copy it for the others and we'll discuss what the best

forward is. They don't want to hear what I have to say.

They might welcome you a bit more if you give them a bit more of a chance.

Including Simon?

OK, so he's over -excitable and he's not the most reliable person in the world,

but at least he's enthusiastic about what he's doing.

And I'm not.

I'm not saying that.

Maybe you should start thinking about the signals you give out.

Why the fuck did you tell Cheryl to dump me? I didn't!

It's not my fault you don't want to shag her.

Look, if there's something wrong, you should talk to someone.

I can't do it. Of course you can.

I can't.

I've got crabs.

Man, they're disgusting.

There was hundreds of the bastards all wriggling about, so I tried to kill them

off with disinfectant, but it didn't work.

Then all the skin peeled off my skin.

Peeled off you?

I only did it once with this girl.

Then I've got these.

Well, it's probably just as well you've split up and that Cheryl doesn't know

why. Oh, no, she killed both of us.

Does Cheryl know her?

Yeah.

Oh, Pauline.

You really know how to shit in your own school bag, don't you?

You just get your dick in a multi and forget about it.

Is everything all right?

Might be.

I just wondered.

You said you were worried about him earlier.

Young love, no big deal.

What, you and Greg?

Right.

Is there anything I can do?

He needs someone to lick his wounds for him, if you're offering.

Miniature fucking crabs going... in his pew.

Oh, my bloody bastard.

What about us?

Right, Pauline Young with crabs, or Cheryl Catherby with... a really bad

At least he's got good reason not to have sex with his girlfriend.

He's still not been to Tesco's.

Have you ever done it in a really, really exciting place?

Depends what you mean by exciting.

Like in a car park or a police cell?

I had a wank in the IT room once.

It was break time.

I nearly did it on a plane.

What do you mean, nearly?

Well, I met this really nice girl, and we got chatting.

And? At one point, I thought she was going to snog me.

That should make me feel better, and yet, strangely, it doesn't.

Maggie's done everything with everyone.

Really? What, recently?

No, I just...

I feel like she's done all these really adventurous things and I haven't.

I'm scared she thinks sex with me is really boring just because we do it in a

bed or on the sofa.

Not even that now.

Be fair.

You've got a good repertoire of positions.

How the fuck do you know?

How do you know?

I'm not telling you that.

You might have sex one day.

All right, Maggie.

Not too tired.

I'm fine, thanks.

Have I got something on my face?

No.

They don't see girls that often.

Just the sight of one can overwhelm them.

I'll just go and put my jacket on and then I'll come back.

You're not going to leave me in here with these two, are you?

Sex and relationships.

Please tell me you're not teaching this.

Simon is.

Oh, well, that makes it so much better then, doesn't it?

It's all right.

If you had to do one of these three things and not tell anyone why you were

doing it, which one would you do?

Walk to work naked every day.

Or cycle, if you prefer.

Take all your lectures dressed as a Hare Krishna.

I'll go up to everyone you meet from now on and say, have you let Jesus into

your heart?

Why would I do any of them?

Well, it's a game. You have to... No, they're all ridiculous.

Yeah, but that's the point.

It's a game. You have to choose one.

I don't want to choose one.

You've got to.

I'll do one on me.

No, no, no, no. Peter's got to choose one. I don't think I do.

All right.

All right.

We'll try another one, same set -up. One, you have to resign from your job

go door -to -door selling feminine hygiene products. Simon.

Shut up.

What exactly is clinical psychology?

It's about people who are really fucked up.

Yes. That would be the technical definition.

But I specialise in the treatment of acute psychosis, which, when agitated by

cognitive dissonance, and

that's

what the Edinburgh Conference is about this weekend.

I mentioned it the other day. I don't think you did.

Sometimes it's hard to forget you're married to a teacher.

But it's easy to forget you're married to a psychologist when you're hardly

there.

I thought your department dinner was on Saturday.

That's next week.

And I'm afraid the following weekend's gone as well.

That's fucking brilliant.

So, what was it you've been chasing me round about since yesterday?

What? I know you wanted to speak to me and I'm sorry I've been so snowed under

at work, but now I'm all yours.

Doesn't matter.

Well, go on. No, I don't want to.

Oh, I get it now. You're all grumpy because I can't spend every hour of the

pissing about with you.

Is that why you had a go at me at the meeting?

No, that's because you're still a load of bollocks.

Yeah, well, I'm your boss now, so don't shit.

I never thought you'd have bought into all of that.

But you know what kids are like.

Whatever we say, they do the opposite. So spread the word. Marriage is good,

shagging is bad, and there's no such thing as a gay teenager.

Okay?

Is that really your brief?

Part of it.

Come to the new job.

Along with parent liaison, career, study skills, different things. They expect

you to do all that on top of everything else? I enjoy it.

And Simon leaves me alone.

Sounds like an awful lot of extra work for three grand a year.

More wine.

Go on, Pia, get that down in your neck.

Busy day tomorrow.

And you wouldn't want to be drunk in charge of an inkblot.

So, what was your big problem, then?

Well, uh... It's personal, sort of.

But not for now.

Go on, then.

Oh, God, no, it's not personal about me, it's about you.

Oh, is this the nymphomaniac with a boyfriend who can't get it up?

Yeah, she just, well, it turned out that she dumped him because he didn't want

to have sex.

Can't just dump someone because they don't want to have sex with you.

no one would ever be in a relationship, would we, darling?

There's nothing wrong with our sex life.

We take any turns to go on top.

Me one week. Me the next.

Sometimes we leave the light on.

Once, I, uh...

Oh, contact lens.

I didn't know you were lenses.

Ow! It's gone round the back again.

Are you all right?

Help me, Simon.

Sorry, where's your bathroom?

Um, Simon knows where it is.

I bet you don't have a clue what you're on about.

What about your eye?

What about it? I'm being spontaneous.

That's not spontaneous. That's just doing it because we've been talking

it. You can't just decide, let's be spontaneous. You have to be spontaneous.

Okay. Well, let's do it when we get home. No, that's worse. That's planning

Next we'll be comparing diaries to make appointments for it like they do.

Right, so we're not going to do it now, we're not going to do it when we get

home, so when are we going to do it exactly?

Well, I don't know.

Okay, you're right, let's do it now, then. No, I tell you what.

Let's never bother to do it again.

I've got a jaw in the back of my head.

I'm glad you all had a scintillating evening with us.

Well, I'm glad you're glad.

Did Peter enjoy it?

Yeah. Why?

Didn't he seem to be enjoying it too?

Yeah, kind of.

Four o 'clock, my office, Simon.

It's actually to my show, Bob.

He's changed a bit.

That's the best of us.

I thought I'd be more clued up about what you were doing.

He's got a lot on.

Is everything all right with you two?

Your relationship expert, one of us, Evan.

Sorry, I'm just trying to be helpful.

You worry about your relationship with Maggie, let me worry about my

relationship with Peter.

What do you mean, worry?

Why should I be worried?

What have I got to worry about?

You disappear after the bathroom, sometimes burying the youth about a

then. Come back two minutes later, barely speaking to each other. That's

I've been trying to talk to you about. It's all going wrong. Me and Maggie

haven't done it for ages.

It's only until you and Peter.

How long is ages?

Three days.

Oh, for God's sake. Yeah, but it's the beginning of the end.

I'm worried we're never going to do it again.

Right.

You've got two minutes.

You can't do it like that. You can't just fit me into your schedule like I'm

pupil. Yes, I can.

How can you be so cruel?

This is how I have to be.

But why?

Because I've got a new job.

But I preferred it the way it was.

Time up?

Well, it's not two minutes.

I know, but I'm bored.

I brought this in for you. I thought you might find it useful.

Thanks. It's just for reference. Don't feel you have to use it.

I will read it, then. Thank you.

Is my coursework all right, then?

Great, yeah. Very good.

Good.

What about mine?

Fine.

Well, to be honest, I messed up, so I've only read a few.

But I'll read the rest at lunchtime.

Right.

Come on, Pauline, that was crap.

Greg tie you out, did he?

Where are you going?

I can't believe you did that to me! You two, stop it!

Quiet!

Mrs Hunter's office, now.

It's all right. I'll sort it. I know the background.

Shall I?

Yeah.

Thanks.

Joe.

It didn't mean anything.

It meant I've got a dose of you.

Come in, sit down.

Greg's through Pauline. He got a dose off her.

Tell me what happened.

I never talked to her again, the dirty bitch.

I loved him and I thought he loved me, but he did it with her and he never even

did it with me once, the lying fucker.

Imagine how much that hurts.

I don't know.

In the long run, it's probably better you didn't sleep with him. Well, Simon

said I should.

What do you mean?

Simon said there's no point in going out with someone if they didn't want to

sleep with you. He said if Greg didn't want to sleep with me, I might as well

dump him.

So I went and asked him and he said no. So I went ahead and dumped him. And all

the time he was sleeping with Pauline.

Let me get this straight.

You told a 16 -year -old girl to ask for sex from a boy with crabs who's been

banging her best mate.

You can't blame me for the crabs bit.

And if Brian hadn't gone and told everyone, she wouldn't have known and it

all be fine.

You told Brian?

Yeah, well, it just slipped out.

What the fuck did you think you were doing?

I was trying to help them out.

She only asked me in the first place because of your stupid questionnaire.

The whole point of the questionnaire was to ensure that these kind of

conversations could be had in a proper structured forum. There are guidelines

about this kind of thing.

Come on, I like you, my best mate.

You've got to be really careful not to put yourself in a vulnerable position as

much as anything else.

Sorry. It's not difficult.

I'm only asking you to describe a black group, for Christ's sake. Oh, if you're

pissed off about something, then take it out on us.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

How about desirable, sensuous, voluptuous?

So it's about sex?

Say what?

Exactly. He needs blackberry picking to represent sexual awakening.

But he's clever because it cuts two ways.

While it is a serious initiation into adulthood, it's also something for

everyone to enjoy.

Oh, so we're allowed to enjoy it now?

Well, you certainly did.

Yeah, well, you would have done given half the chance. You were the one who

begging for it. Yeah, and you were the one with crab.

To sum up, sex can be fun, but as you can see, it's not without its

complications. That's why it's best in a stable relationship.

Now, you don't really mean that, do you? Don't start him off again. We'll never

get anything done.

Look, sex is important, but it isn't everything, in my opinion.

Can we get on, please?

Jenny's sonnets look good to me.

High for the low A, lowest D -stroke E.

And how are Simon's? Quite impressive, actually.

The standard was consistently high.

Generally good Bs.

Not all of them, surely?

All except for Jeremy Stephens, who was significantly lower.

He, er, flew that week.

They can't all have done so well, actually.

There's no need, honestly, Bob.

It's all in order, as far as I can see.

They're all good FAs.

Well, I'll take your word for it.

Well done, Simon.

Very good, everyone.

Have a nice weekend, but not too nice.

Mock exams are only a month away.

Are you going for a drink? On payday? Is a clean month stuffed?

Monday by then.

Pleasure.

I can't believe I got away with it. She thought they were all fine.

I told you, Jenny's not going to care about your coursework. She's probably

worried about her own.

I'm going to go so drunk tonight.

I thought you'd be much better at cheating.

What? What are you talking about?

If you thought I cheated, why didn't you say something?

If it makes you feel better, I helped a few of the weaker students as well.

I thought you were supposed to be perfect.

You'll want the best for the students, don't we?

Unless, of course, you just do it to make your own life easier.

No, well, yeah.

But I want what's best for them, too.

Right, go into the bar. Who wants any? No, let me get you one. Scotch.

Thanks.

Am I forgiven?

It's not personal, it's work.

Have you forgiven me at work, then?

I don't know yet.

I'll find that out on Monday.

I try my best.

But everything I seem to do seems to blow up in my face.

Boy, you know the rule.

We don't drink in your pub, you don't drink in ours. We just wanted to go

somewhere quiet so we could sort things out.

OK.

Look at them, aren't they being grown up?

Working it all out on the side without any help from you.

All right, you've made your point now.

Fuck off.

Right. Peter's away for the weekend. Who's coming out to play?

I've got to cook for Maggie. Be a mate and take little and large. I've only got

the fat to myself.

Did you say you were kooking?

Fucking marvellous.

I need a hand.

If you like.

I should have gone round to yours.

I thought they'd stay in the pub and we could just...

Cuddle up in front of the telly and have a nice night in.

Sorry. I'm not bothered by them.

Can you do me a favour?

What?

Come over here.

I want you to stir me

back in a sec. And you stay there. Don't move.

I really like the fact we've got a proper, mature relationship.

No, you don't. You're just relieved we've had sex again.

Brian and Kurt are too.

Aren't you boys?

Yes.

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