Original subtitles

Maggie, it's me.

Where are you?

I'll try your mobile.

Can you turn that off?

I'm trying to make a phone call.

It'd be quicker if you gave me a hand.

Max, it's Simon.

Give us a ring.

Thanks for your help.

I didn't want to intrude on what was obviously a very cathartic experience.

Shit, it's them.

Oh,

I was just going to come and give you a hand.

Thanks, Simon.

Want a glass of wine?

What are you going to do, buy next door and knock through?

She said she didn't have much stuff.

Do you believe that?

Oh, I've got a lot of junk to clear up.

Thankless me.

You're the one desperately looking for a flat.

Marcella and I are happy for you to stay.

Feeling away.

You're going to have to swallow your pride then and tell them you're a

Never.

Does it matter what my job is?

Well, maybe people should have what they do tattooed across their forehead. I am

a work -shy, freeloading bastard. Would that help?

Hello? Oh, shit.

I said Maggie.

Maggie Peters.

Well,

I'm her boyfriend.

What do you mean?

Did you say something about me?

Well, tell her I called and got my number. For fuck's sake!

And just to warn you, there's an... They still can't help you with your

inquiries.

Thank you, everyone.

A very good morning to you, Jenny.

You and Maggie were away pretty quickly the other day.

Who were you ashamed of?

Her or us?

No one.

I could understand if you didn't want us to meet Jenny, but the rest of us...

Sorry.

It could be awkward, I mean, if Jenny was in a vindictive mood.

You mean sometimes she isn't?

She could accidentally let slip about your little encounter.

That's what she did to me.

What she told you about it? Not all the gory details.

Not all the gory details?

I'm just glad she hasn't got anything she might like to use on me.

It could be arranged.

You're intending to see Maggie for more than five minutes. It'd be nice to meet

her. If you think I'm worthy.

Simon. What is it, Katie?

I don't get it. What don't you get?

I don't get what we're supposed to be doing.

You're supposed to be getting on with the questions in the book while I put my

feet up and look for somewhere to live.

This is usually my favourite lesson, but today it's boring.

Even positive, life -affirming people like myself need to take a day off from

time to time.

Well, I hope you find a flat soon.

Read.

Last year I wouldn't have given Kevin an E.

But I think he's headed for sea since I've started one -to -ones with him.

Just shows what we can achieve with a bit of application.

Even the seemingly hopeless cases are redeemable. Don't you all agree?

Simon? Absolutely, whatever you say.

Good. We need to organise an internal moderation day once all the coursework's

in. I've pencilled in Wednesday week, which means all the coursework has to be

in a week today.

That's next Friday.

Is that a problem?

But we haven't even touched the sonnets yet, have we?

I have.

When? I started them two weeks ago.

You told me you hadn't touched them.

I told you that two weeks ago.

Oh, shit!

Well, you're going to have to pull your finger out, Simon. This is a significant

percentage of the marks.

They're an alternative to the sonnets. They're so dull.

An alternative to Shakespeare.

So, all in by next Friday.

No excuses.

Maggie.

Maggie!

Maggie!

Open the door, please. I want to talk to you.

She's away for the weekend.

Where? No idea.

Shit. Sorry.

Is your name Simon?

What? If it's Simon, she left a message.

What is it? Are you Simon?

Yeah. Yeah, I thought you were. What's the message?

Piss off.

Have you two fallen out then?

Mind your own fucking business.

Bye. Bye.

Bye.

to push this through

We're not working on that today.

What are we working on?

Shakespeare's sonnets.

There are sheets on the desk, so if you could look at them now.

What's the first thing that strikes you about them?

I, uh, don't understand a word of it. Right, and why don't you?

Because they're all bollocks.

They may all seem like bollocks, Johnny, but that's because the sonnets were

written between 1592 and 1595.

So what's that got to do with us now?

Yeah, man. They're part of the syllabus. That's what they've got to do with you.

Yeah, but they're boring.

I really need your help on this.

Why? Because I've got more than enough crap in my life at the moment, and if I

can sow a little into your trouble -free lives, it'll make me feel a whole lot

better.

Also, we've only got five days to cover this stuff, otherwise we're all in

serious shit. So I'm asking you to help me, OK?

OK? Yeah!

be moving fast, so try and keep up. If you can't, I will help you.

Now for your homework.

I'm going to be working my ass off at home. I don't see why you lot shouldn't

the same. Your homework is to write your own love poem.

For who?

Just have a go. See how easy or hard it is. The catch, as I say, is that we're

going to be moving fast.

So if you could do them tonight, I will love all of you forever.

How was your first weekend with your new mum and sister?

Fucking perfect.

Made it up with Maggie yet? I've been trying to ring her since Wednesday.

I even went round to her flat. She left a message with her neighbour telling me

to push up.

How did that make you feel?

Pissed off.

Just pissed off?

And kind of hurt.

Now you're getting close to how she's feeling.

What do you want to leave home for? You've got it easy.

You really should be thinking very seriously about this.

Where else are you going to go, Matt?

You shouldn't be listening to this.

I'm not.

What are you doing here? You don't smoke.

You'll never get a decent hit from passive smoking.

It's a myth.

What's this?

Some kind of protection racket.

Dad's given up.

So what?

So he hides packs of ten all over the house, in the garage, in the shed, the

car. He forgets where he puts them. I come along and... Free facts.

Give us some.

Look, son.

Jeremy likes living with his dad.

Yeah, but Jeremy's a... Jeremy.

Did I hear you stay here on the hook for a place to stay?

I may well be able to help you there. Do you know of a flat?

Well, not exactly, but with the kids having flown the nest, I do have a spare

room. That would be in your house.

Very modest rates, I'm sure. The office there? Well, I am looking specifically

for my own flat, but if I get desperate... Fucking desperate.

Well, you gotta come down to the reservoir.

I don't care who the hell you are. If you're a moving violation or a movie

star, you're welcome out in a house. Oh, brilliant!

I'm so excited.

You got little letters after, but can't spell your name.

I really don't care.

Hello, Simon.

I've got a bit of spare time now that the syllabus has been fully covered by

group. Sir, if any of your lot would benefit from some individual tuition.

I've got it all in hand, Jenny. Thanks anyway.

Just trying to be of help. We're all under pressure.

Stephen!

Is that offer of a room still on? I thought you were looking for a flat.

Well, I was.

But another night with the fucking crankies and I'll be stalking the house

a machete.

Leave it with me. What do I need to know today?

Hey, you look terrible.

But I feel great.

This time next week I could be jobless, homeless and relationshipless.

Settle down.

Settle down.

Let's crack into it.

Love poetry.

How do we do?

Tanya? What?

Let's hear what you did.

No, no, it's embarrassing.

No one's going to laugh.

It's not about anyone.

What is it about him that I like?

His eyes, his hair, his hair.

Maybe the smile that lights his face.

Maybe the way he's danced.

Maybe the way he makes me feel when he passes my wage debt.

Maybe the way my heart stops a beat a million times a day.

Maybe the way he treats me bad, ignores me and takes a piss.

Maybe it's the casual sex we have that makes me think I'm his.

Maybe because he's a selfish thought who only thinks with his cock.

Maybe he's the worst boyfriend in the world now.

He can just piss off.

That's it.

Right,

good. Very good. Can I read mine?

No. So what do we need to write a love poem?

A pen?

Something to love, sir.

Right, good.

Number one, we need something...

I need to get Maggie back.

You haven't spoken to her. Will you help me?

What can I do?

I don't know.

Advise, encourage, coach.

Sounds like a full -time job. I'm serious.

The big question is, does she want to be brought back?

Please, as a mate.

God, I love it when you grovel.

You're going to help him?

If he's being genuine?

I am.

The length.

A man will go to secure a decent shag. How would you know?

Ooh, look how quickly the deprived man turns nasty.

Fuck off.

You've got your work cut out there, Susan.

Yeah, rather you than I.

Like I'm ever going to come to you to help with a romantic problem. I do not

think so.

I know you're upset now, because I understand how you could have

but I didn't want you to feel obliged to hang around being nice to everyone. I

wanted the first meeting to be a bit more informal, you know, down the pub or

something.

That's utter crap.

What? There's not a list of reasons. The main thing is to show that you're

really sorry.

Well, I am. But you made a mistake.

Right. Put yourself on the line.

Forget about pride.

Fantastic.

It's time to beg.

Yes.

How? Come on, come on, could you ever be one in a million?

I'm gonna step off the pace, if you're ready to face some fire.

You better get out of my way, cause I'm ready to play the Sicilian. But

when a better day comes around,

you'll get your feet covered.

Deco. Sort of might give the old a new look of paint.

No, I like the, uh, gothic look.

Here we are.

Home is the sailor, home from the sea.

And the hunter, home from the hill.

It's a nice view across the cemetery.

I'm sure I can find an alternative home for some of this stuff.

So, what about a little drink before dinner?

Yeah. Why not? Keep your coat on.

So Susan says, for barter, photo, right through her bed.

Make her realise how much you miss her. I mean, I really like this girl, really.

Really like that. A little while at a time, but we just stand them weak.

Exactly. If we were knights, we'd joust for their love. We would.

I need a leak.

You do that.

Cry God for Harry Englanders at George.

Oh, and if that's you, Simon, piss off.

It is me, actually, and I will not piss off.

I'll bombard you with everything I've got.

I'll apologise a million times and you will talk to me eventually because I'll

drive you fucking mad.

I'll miss you.

Your hair, your eyes, your hands.

The smile that lights up your face. Even the way you stand.

The way you make me feel.

each day.

The way my heart hops a beat a million times a day.

All the people in this pub know how sorry I am, don't you?

Tell her how sorry I am.

Yeah, he's sorry. Yeah, he's sorry.

See, they know.

Please talk to me.

Oh, this is Simon, by the way.

Oh, thanks, guys. You're really, really great.

If I was staying for another, I'd... Buy you all a drink, but, you know, thank

you. Just brilliant.

Nightcap.

None.

And I like to leave prompt at seven in the morning.

Seven minutes to.

My watch

stopped. What are you doing here?

I work here.

Yeah, but you're early.

If it's a shock to you, how do you think I feel?

Is there any way of setting up black coffee on a drip?

What happened to you?

It's all a bit of a blur.

You look like you slept where you fell.

Can you top that up?

You look worse than yesterday. I was saying something.

I'm glad everyone's doing their best to make me feel good this morning.

Look at them. They're talking about me, I bet you.

Who? Fucking Jenny.

Why would they be talking about you?

Because the thing.

If she told you, then she'd probably blab to everyone else.

I doubt it. It's not something she'd want to boast about. Anyway, it's not

I tried to jump or anything. It was just, why wouldn't she boast?

A message for you from a Maggie.

What does it say?

Do you want the gist or the whole caboodle? Oh, God, the gist.

No, no, give me the whole caboo. Hang on a minute. If it's not good, then I

don't want to hear all the gory detail, so the gist. Yeah, the gist. Give me the

gist. She doesn't forgive you, but she's willing to see you again.

More fool her.

Don't come round to my flat again, because Mrs.

Catley's likely to kick you where it counts, and if she doesn't, I will.

I'm back on day, so call me tonight.

This doesn't mean that you've forgiven Maggie.

Back on the beat, then.

Wishing me like to one more rich in hope, featured like him, like him with

friends possessed, desiring this man's art and that man's scope with what I

most enjoy contentedly.

Yet in these thoughts, myself almost despising, happily I think on thee.

And then my state, like to the lark at break of day arising from sullen earth,

sings hymns at heaven's gate.

But I, sweet love, remember such wealth brings that then I scorn to change

my state with kings.

You can't paraphrase this stuff. It's all there.

The rest of your life is up to shite you.

Job's on the line, your dad's just moved in with his new girlfriend, and you're

wondering where you're going to spend Christmas, and you hear from this one

person. They talk to you, send you a note, whatever, and wham!

The song comes out again, and you couldn't give a toss about anything

I love this stuff.

Please,

gloves off. Still going on.

You look pleased with yourself.

I made a major breakthrough with the sonnets today.

They're starting to like them. Not the kids, me.

So, Maggie's swallowed the bait. How do I reel her in?

Don't make me regret helping you.

Should I take her out for a drink?

She's made an effort at reconciliation.

You've got to do something special in return.

A meal?

Something really special.

A meal and a drink?

For God's sake, Simon, what's the one thing you're really good at?

You can cook.

Why not cook her something at home?

Because I haven't got a home.

Are you staying at Stephen's? Which has all the romantic allure of the Bates

Motel. You could always stay at our place, mate.

It's very select.

You've got a room?

Nice double bed.

Why didn't you say so before? You knew I was looking.

You never asked. Well, I'm asking now.

It might not be what you're after.

I spent last night paralytic on a camp bed in a store and we'll take whatever

you've got.

That's a done deal.

Welcome to the love palace. It is Shay, Brian and Kurt.

I'm her lover, her lazy, lazy lover.

I can't be bothered getting into bed.

I'm her lover, her lazy, lazy lover. I'd much rather do it in

my head.

Ta -da!

Oh, sweetheart.

Not bad. Not bad?

It's bloody paradise after a day with those little shits.

My room's at the back. That one's Kurt's.

Where's mine?

It's standing in it.

This isn't sofa bed.

Haven't you guys got any work to do?

Works are the subject, mate.

Any extra work I can do on the computer's at full.

And don't be bollocks over there, we've got as much paperwork as a caretaker.

So, what's the policy on having girlfriends back here?

It's never come up.

It's just that I promised Maggie I'd cook her something special.

Yeah.

That was the general idea, yeah.

You may want to check out the catering facilities before you go making any rash

promises. I remember rightly the kitchen's a small room over there.

Fucking hell.

We use it primarily for heating things up and for storing cold beer.

Feel free to use anything you find.

I could take you up.

I had a puncture. I really did have a puncture. Yes, I just want to make sure

that you have tomorrow and the coursework in the front of your mind.

thinking of nothing else, Bob. I've had almost everybody else's work in. I still

haven't seen any sign of yours.

It's all in the control.

Just balls this up, no more chances, you understand?

Calm down, mate.

It's not just about you, it's about me too. You messed this up. It's on me.

If that happened, I'm going to come down so hard, you won't know what to teach

you.

Get off my back, you sad old fucker!

You can count on me.

I hope so.

For all ethics.

Uh, what's this?

It's a times call for desperate measures.

Take your rough books out. I think you're all ready to tackle an essay on

sonnets. What?

We've hardly touched them. Don't be such a pessimist.

Simon, we don't know it. I do, and I'm here. So pens out, listen, and write.

So we're just writing what you tell us?

We're going to explore it together.

Sir, isn't this cheating?

No, it's survival.

This is as important to you lot as it is to me. And if we work together, we can

do this. We need to be passionate.

Write down what it means to us. But, sir... No buts.

Once you've written this, your job is to go home, change the words a bit, make

it sound like the way you do it. Right, let's make a start.

Detention again, Kelly.

Nah.

Not into her.

You want a fag?

Kelly?

No, thanks.

So, tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night?

As long as I've got the place to myself for a few hours, I don't mind what you

do.

If we're there, it may help write the item. I think the item is well and truly

broken. Thanks anyway.

You've had a bit of a cold snap recently. I don't need any help with

particularly from you two.

We'll remember that when you're struggling for conversation around the

table. But you won't be there, will you? Right. You'll be out. I hope so. Yes?

Yes. Good.

What happened with Bob?

Nothing. Why?

Liz said he was really stressed out and on the warpath for you.

We had a conversation and he appreciated the pressure I was under and we...

agreed to differ on our respective approaches.

He had a go at you.

And you promised to deliver.

Well, I suppose you could see it like that, yeah.

Anyway, the wrath of Bob is the least of my worries.

What's happening with Maggie?

I asked her to dinner.

And? She said yes.

You spoke to her?

No.

But she said yes.

The phone rang.

I picked it up. She said yes and hung up.

Was it a bright yes?

It was flat, like... Yes.

Not tired or fed up?

Flat. Expressionless.

Room for manoeuvre, then.

Meaning?

Still go either way, depending on how you play it.

Could it?

She wants to see how much you want her.

Any stocks you may have.

Be prepared to pull them out now.

You are good.

It's something I have to say.

You're driving my heart away.

Just pushing me aimlessly.

When darling, it's plain to see.

Beside you, girl, is where I belong.

You've got it going on. And I can't define why I can't go

on. But your eyes meet mine. I'm going.

Bob, I have a word with you about getting you working for tomorrow.

No.

Why? Did he with you?

No, no, he had every confidence.

It is a bit of a worry, though, isn't it?

I've still got a couple of pieces of work outstanding.

But the promise for tomorrow is I'll be fine.

You on course?

I predict very even last.

to a weekend down the pub.

How about you?

Told you in this morning.

Cutting it pretty fine?

That's the way I like it.

Are you all right?

Fine, just a bit of a twinge.

Woke up with it this morning.

Oh, did it be nerves?

Do you know this?

No.

I really love you guys.

You're all being mentioned in my memoir. Are you sure this isn't cheating?

This is a tiny, tiny part of your exam results. We didn't cheat. We simply

the goalposts a couple of inches.

We'll have to do it in life, so why not learn it here?

We used to move around a lot as a family, what with my dad working abroad,

I picked up something in Malaysia when I was six.

I thought these recent pills had it beaten, but...

You'd

better get yourself home.

What's up?

Still got twinges?

Stomach cramps.

Bit of fun, wasn't it?

It comes and goes.

Andy.

I've just got a year seven class for a double period.

What organised cover?

How long before it goes again?

Sorry? Well, you said it comes and goes.

Are we looking at another day off?

Or will it be fully cured by 3 .15 this afternoon?

You'll be fine as long as I take things easy.

I'm sorry, Claire.

We'll soldier on without you.

Simon!

It's all in, Bob.

Bathfish up in town, where?

My mum always goes squids in. Squids in? Where's that? All over the place. What

streets we on?

Could be any of them. What?

It's a van.

It's guaranteed fresh, though.

So you reckon the tiger prawns say, I'm sorry, love, but the swordfish is

saying, I am so, so sorry. I messed up in a big way. Forgive me, please.

A nice fish pie always does the trick with my old man.

Salmon for me every time.

What you need is something that says, I'm really making an effort here.

It'll take more than fish to squeeze forgiveness out of me.

Nice big plate of sardines, mate. Never fails.

Sardines hardly promise passion and rapture, do they? The man wants a

result. Once, starving students in Canterbury, we ate a neighbour's carp.

It's very nice.

The fish is tough, but the dessert, even if I said to myself, is a tall, double

-edged fork.

That doesn't make her knees go with nothing well.

Don't get your knickers in a twist.

Plenty of time for that later.

Where's Brian?

He died in his room.

Ten minutes.

You know, you should introduce us to her.

Show her what great company you keep.

Yeah, right.

Could help your chances. The only thing that's going to help my chances is if I

have a nice, quiet flight in which to weave my seductive magic.

Oh, shit, she's early.

I'll get the book. You stay where you are.

And when I come back up, I want you both in your coats heading out the door,

right?

Maggie.

It was tonight.

Yeah, yeah.

You just looked surprised.

No, no, I was feigning surprise.

Why?

Well, I suppose I wasn't sure if you'd turn up.

Well, it was touch and go.

Kurt, Brian, they're flat and they were just leaving.

Nice to meet you.

Again.

Likewise. As I say, they were just leaving.

Oh, what, no time for a quick drink?

Um, well, it's just that Simon said he wanted a place to himself.

Thought we might cramp his bile.

What bile?

What do you like?

Wine? Uh, that would be cool. Great.

Brian? Well, if everyone else is having one.

It's been like an old woman all week.

Bossing over this meal.

Well, he's got a lot of catching up to do. He was an arsehole.

Complete arsehole. I thought you two had to be somewhere.

Oh, dear.

So, um, what do you teach?

Yes.

Um, computers?

Shit.

How did you get that? I'm a police officer.

What about me?

Art and crafts.

I think I look like a fucking art teacher.

It was a joke.

Pee. You're good at this.

Come and sit down, Maggie.

Make yourself at home.

Jesus.

So, me and Steve arrive on scene, and we can hear this banging about inside.

So we radio for backup and go into the house. Through the house, up the stairs,

run into the master bedroom, and there they both are, the pair of them, stark

bollock naked, He's tied to the bed, she's on top.

Christ.

What? You're smoking weed.

Yeah.

You came to our school and gave a talk to the kids and you're a police officer.

What is it that's bothering you?

The fact that I'm a police officer, the fact that I'm smoking dope, or the fact

that you haven't got a fucking clue who I am.

I tell you what, why don't you go into the kitchen, cook my dinner, and let the

adults talk, OK?

Come round again, Maggie. Well, we'll see you at the evening panzer. See you

later. See you later. Bye.

I thought they'd never go.

No, they're fun.

And I'm not.

Not in the same way, no.

Well, if you'd rather be down the pipe. It looks good.

I hope it's not spoiled.

Oh, shut up and eat.

I thought you wouldn't want to meet all those fucking dull teachers, that's all.

Wrong answer.

What? It's not true.

It wasn't the right time or place.

Wrong. Stop saying that. Well, then be honest. I am being. No, you're not.

So what's the reason, then?

You're embarrassed because of what I do. No. But the main reason is that you

didn't want the kids to see that you had a policewoman officer as a girlfriend

because that might ruin your street career. That works.

Admit it.

How's the food?

Fantastic. Admit it. Fucking hell. Go on. All right, yeah.

You're right.

I didn't want them to see me with you.

I'm sorry. I'm an idiot.

If you'd been there as Maggie, it would have been fine.

And I didn't think it through, and I didn't think how it might make you feel.

And I'm really, really sorry.

Mm.

Not so bad, was it?

Do you want a bit of dessert?

Why don't we skip dessert?

What are you doing in my bed?

We agreed.

What? We had a deal.

This isn't your room.

You said I could use your room.

Did I? Oh, for fuck's sake. If I cook two meals twice a week for the rest of

time, remember?

Oh, yeah.

You made a deal with him?

What's wrong with my room? I don't believe you.

Why don't you just go away?

You're doing a nice cut me in every now and again.

You must have felt pretty confident about tonight in this little room. It

like that. Is that all I'm worth, is it? Two square meals a week? I would have

given my room for one.

Would you two just get the fuck out of here?

I'm sorry, mate. I completely forgot.

Just go to bed.

How did it go, anyway? He's banging everything. How do you think it went?

I might have known.

What a fucking idiot.

It wasn't like that, really. I just... I just hoped that we'd get back together.

And if we did, and only if, I wanted somewhere for us to go so it all

get spoiled.

It was either getting Brian's room or sleeping on the sofa bed in the front

room. And as far as I know, you're not into exhibitionism.

So I thought this would be the better option.

But as usual, in trying to make sure I didn't cock up, I cocked up.

Couldn't all the guys are fucking bun -fighting kiplings.

And you still haven't had your dessert.

I really, really wanted tonight to work.

I'm sorry.

I'll phone for a cab.

There's no need.

You're not walking home this time, are you? No.

No, I'm not.

So, what about next week?

For what?

For me to come to the school and meet the rest of your workmates.

Yeah, this time without the uniform.

I'm not quite sure if that's a good idea. Well, I thought we could go out

drink or something.

Yeah, how's dessert?

Oh, it's top, isn't it?

So, I thought Fred and I would be good.

What would it have been? End of the week and all that.

Yeah.

Fred is good.

Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah. Mm.

Great, well, that's how then, isn't it?

Actually, Fridays are difficult.

What with everyone going away for the weekend and all that.