Original subtitles

Here we are, face to face, a couple of silver spoons.

Hoping to find we're two of a kind.

Make it a call, make it a call. Together, we're going to find our

way.

Together, taking the time each day.

To learn all about those things you just can't buy.

Do the spoons together.

You and me together.

Maybe Andy Rooney can play.

Hi, Dex. This is Ronnie.

Gable, Mommy and I are having a little birthday party for Edwin Meese.

Be there or be square.

Good. Hi, Richard. How was the game? We won.

Well, congratulations. I knew you'd be victorious.

Billy, this is my dad's business manager, Dexter Stuffy.

Dexter, this is our star pitcher, Billy Jankowski.

Hello, Billy.

Hi.

Why, you're a girl.

You wouldn't say that if you saw our pickoff move.

That was a rough game, Dex. We had to beat our top rivals.

The toughest, most feared team in the whole league.

Winky's pet.

Are they as tough as Kathy's maternity wear?

Even tougher.

Do you want to hear how we won the game? Oh, yes, I'd love to hear a good sports

anecdote. Shoot. Well, Billy's fastball was really smoking today.

She held the gerbil scoreless.

Then Ricky got up in the bottom of the ninth and smashed the double.

Well, it...

It wasn't really a smash. It was more of a dribble to the pitcher.

But then he overthrew the first baseman, and then Tommy Ryan's dog picked the

ball up with his mouth, and it's a beautiful iris center. It's long.

Okay,

so I'm on second base.

Billy comes up and hits a long fly ball deep, deep to right field, moving me

over to third.

Billy really clobbered that pitch.

I did get good wood on it.

So things were looking great.

But then our next two guys struck out.

So my dad looked at me.

And I looked at him, and he gave me the steel signal.

So I got a big lead off third, got a great jump, and stole home for the

run. Wasn't that a rather risky strategy, Edwards?

Well, actually, it was entirely unintentional. I didn't mean to give

steel signal. I was trying to get rid of a bee.

Looks like you're the hero of the game, Richard.

No way, I...

I think we should award the game ball to that bee.

Well, I'll have to see one of your games. I'd love to see you two in

Yeah, they're a winning combination.

Rick's a great catcher.

Billy's the best pitcher in the whole league.

I think she's just plain terrific.

Oh, come on.

Edward,

if you have a moment, I'd love for you to sign some loan paper. Then I'll drop

them off at the bank.

Okay, but why am I borrowing money? You're not. The bank is borrowing money

you.

It is? Yes, of course. It's a small bank. Just getting started.

And I've negotiated a superb interest rate.

Oh, this is a twitch.

Well, since they're opening an account with me, maybe I should give them a

toaster. You're a toaster, yeah, right now.

Rick, can I ask you something?

Sure, what is it?

Well, you think of me as one of the guys, don't you?

Yeah, it's real easy to forget you're a girl.

You don't scream when you see a snake.

And when we go fishing, you're not afraid to put your own worm on your

Well, I just like to think of worms as real small snakes.

Billy, I don't say this to a lot of girls, but... You're a great guy.

But I'm not a guy.

I'm a girl.

I got involved in some problems down at Eddie Toy's.

What's the matter?

Well, I'm having trouble convincing certain people to accept my authority as

your father's assistant.

When I say I want more goop in the goofy glop, I mean it.

That way, Kate.

Oh, Rick, I just spoke to the gardener. Mr. Carpenter?

Yeah, he was trimming the hedge around the duck pond, and he said he found a

five -legged frog.

Do you want to see it?

Are you kidding?

Go ahead, Rick. I want to talk to Miss Summers.

Okay. I'll bring him back alive.

Miss Summers, I've got a problem.

Do you think we could have a woman -to -woman talk?

Well, of course we could.

Is something bothering you?

Well, yeah.

Well,

Rick thinks of me as one of the guys.

I can't understand why he doesn't think of me as a girl.

on how to be more ladylike?

Well, um, first of all, a lady doesn't sit like that.

A lady sits like this.

Like this?

That's right.

Well, doesn't the back of your knee get all sweaty?

That's one of the prices you pay for being a lady.

Well, what else should I do?

Well, let's see.

You could wear your hair down.

And you could try wearing a dress with a pretty purse.

A dress and a purse?

Oh, uh... Billy, if you want the guys to start thinking of you as a

lady, you have to look like a lady.

Okay, okay.

So, my hair is down, I'm in a dress, and my knee is sweating.

What if a guy still doesn't notice me? What do I do then?

Well, you could show him that you're interested.

How?

Uh, by giving him a certain kind of smile.

Let me try.

told me that I should act dumb around the guy and pretend he's smarter than

Is that true?

Absolutely not.

If a man doesn't like an intelligent woman, he is a man not worth having.

Well, I got a lot of work to do.

If I'm going to use my purse, I'm going to have to take my bug collection out of

it.

Miss Summers, I really want to thank you for all your help. Oh.

Don't worry.

You'll be great.

I sure hope so.

Let me try the smile again. Okay.

underneath some glasses.

Where's Billy? Oh, she went home.

Dora, we're going to hit some fly balls.

Rick, there's something you should know.

Really, what?

Well, I think you should stop thinking of Billy as one of the guys and start

thinking of her as one of the girls.

Why would I want to do a thing like that?

Because she has a crush on you.

Billy?

Oh, no.

Well, listen, I really don't need any more insurance, so I...

Well, yeah, but I really don't need...

realize you were talking on the phone. I'm not.

He is.

What's up, son?

Dad, I've got a problem that's really bugging me.

What's her name?

Why do you always assume it's a girl? I've got other problems.

It could be about school or one of the guys.

Is it about school or one of the guys?

No, it's about a girl.

It's Billy. Something terrible's happened.

She broke her arm.

No. She's fallen in love with me.

Oh.

But her arm's all right?

Dad. Well, son, I'm sorry. I just don't see what's so terrible that she's fallen

in love with you.

Unless it affected her pitching.

Dad, I really need some help here.

I'm sorry, son. Here. Let me get rid of this guy.

Listen, I really don't...

Rick, that wouldn't be polite.

Son, you were saying?

See, I've always thought of Billy as one of the guys. I mean, we're teammates.

A great battery combination.

But her falling in love with me is going to change all that.

Does it have to?

Sure. If I go out to the mound for a conference, she's liable to hug me or

something.

That would be embarrassing.

I like Billy the way she is. I don't want her to change.

Rick, everything changes.

In fact, the absurd man is he who never changes.

I got that in a fortune cookie.

Been waiting eight years to use it.

But I don't want Billy to change.

It's not easy to find a girl who really knows how to spit.

Why don't you have to ruin... things. I fall in love with me.

Rick, Billy's at that age. It's only natural she wants to be a little more

feminine.

Besides, she's not the first girl to succumb to your charms.

Why am I cursed with this animal magnetism?

What is it that draws women to the Ricker?

I think we can rule out humility.

How do I tell Billy I just want us to be friends?

You know, something similar to this happened to me once in college.

Really? Yeah, I used to earn extra money on the weekends tutoring.

I met a Russian exchange student named Svetlana Porchnik.

John and I had to spend a lot of time together working on her English, and we

got to be pretty good friends. And then all of a sudden, she up and tells me,

What does that mean?

Help on drowning?

No,

that's Russian for I love you.

Well, anyway, I didn't feel near the same way, but...

It's kind of a touchy situation because I don't want to get mad at me.

She had a bad temper?

Yeah.

Also, she was a... husky woman.

Real husky?

About two twinkies shy of 385 pounds.

But finally, one day, I grabbed my first aid kit and went to tell her how I

felt.

What did you say?

I said, Svetlana, I really value our relationship, but if you try to make it

romantic, we might lose our friendship.

Now, please put me down.

That's great, Dad. I'm going to say that to Billy. I better rehearse it a few

times.

I'll get that, son. You work on it.

Dad? Yeah.

I hope Billy doesn't look at me and say...

Let's have your blue -blue.

Blue -blue, son.

Blue -blue too, Dad.

Yes, can I help?

I'd rather you didn't call me Billy anymore.

I prefer to use my given name, Wilhelmina.

Well, won't you come in, please, Wilhelmina?

I hardly recognize you. You look so beautiful.

Really? Absolutely.

Thank you.

That's pretty dress, too.

Great color.

Well, the color's okay, but I like this dress because it's long enough to hide

the scabs on my knees.

I'll get Rick for you.

Oh, no, no, wait.

There's no hurry.

Could we sit and talk for a while?

Sure, here.

What's on your mind?

You see, the thing is... Oh, excuse me.

You

see,

the thing is, I'm sort of interested in a certain guy.

Billy.

I think you should be telling this to Rick.

Why? Not Rick I'm interested in.

If it isn't, who is it?

a little bit high density.

If you don't want to eat it, you could always use it as a paperweight.

Oh, no, I'll just save it for later.

Listen,

Wilhelmina, I'm very flattered that you like me, but have you considered the

fact that I'm three times older than you?

lot of good years together before you croak.

But what I need to know is, how do you feel about me?

Well, this is very sudden.

Kind of takes me by surprise, you know.

But I think what I should say to you is this.

Wilhelmina, I really value our relationship.

But if you try to make it romantic, we might lose our friendship.

I'm sure you understand.

Yeah, I do. But I'm willing to take that risk.

Oh.

Well... Well, see, the other problem is that I'm

already involved with another woman.

Is it an older woman?

Yeah.

Somebody in high school?

Even older than that.

It's my assistant, Kate Summers.

Wow, she is old.

Miss Summers for advice on how to get you to notice me.

But she never let on that you were her babe.

Well, I think that's because she probably thought that you wanted Ricky

your... babe.

Now I know what it feels like to have a broken heart.

Oh, Wilhelmina.

I'll never, ever get over losing you.

Well, I know it seems like that now, but time heals all wounds.

And someday you'll meet somebody and you'll forget all about me.

No way.

You're pretty.

I am?

Yeah.

Wow.

Thanks.

Listen, do you want to go to the movies?

Okay.

Thank you.