Original subtitles

Here we are, face to face, a couple of silver spoons.

Open to find, we're two of a kind.

Make it a go, make it grow. Together, we're going to find our

way.

Together, taking the time each day.

To learn all about those things you just can't buy.

Two silver spoons together.

You and me.

submission. Kate, when I started my toy company, I vowed I'd leave no toy

unturned. Sorry, you never know where the next great toy is going to come

Like, uh, what the heck is this?

It's a junior plastic surgeon's kit.

Introduce your child to a future career in cosmetic surgery.

And give him hours of fun, too, as he transforms

Betty before into Angela after.

Noses, chins, and silicone included.

Next.

What's that?

This? Oh, it's a really strange one.

It's called a yo -yo hat.

A yo -yo hat.

First we put it on, and then we wind up the yo -yo.

Sounds like somebody choking a duck.

lot then, huh?

Yeah.

You know, the wonderful thing about a bassoon is no matter where I am in the

entire house, I'll still be able to hear it.

See, Derek, I told you playing the bassoon doesn't make you a wimp. A wimp?

Uh, no, Rick, I think you misunderstood me. I personally admire your son for

playing the bassoon, and I'm outraged by our small -minded friends who ridicule

him.

is a sign of strength, not weakness. And personally, I'm very proud of Rick that

he has a mind of his own.

I wish I'd said that.

Now, this man is so wise.

You, sir, are an inspiration.

Thank you.

Thank you for being alive.

I'll do the same for you and the classmates who make fun of your B -U -Y

My B -U -Y -N?

Yeah. It's a bassoon up your neck.

And me, Miss Summers, just go on playing with your dolls.

Father, what are you doing here?

You mean, why have I come to romper room?

Sorry, Dad, but he cracks me up.

Edward, do you have anything in your calendar for the evening of the 27th?

Not sure. Kate, would you check? Oh, yes, on the 27th.

have the charity auction at the art museum.

Cancel it.

What do you mean, cancel it? You can't just walk in here and tell me to cancel

my plans.

Send them a check.

You and Richard are appearing that evening at the testimonial dinner of the

Industrialist Foundation.

What's that?

It's a stupid and boring dinner where a bunch of rich fat cats sit around and

celebrate themselves. What pompadou shirt are they honoring this year?

No sale.

However, contrary to what your father has told you, this is a memorable

occasion. I am the recipient of the Industrialist Foundation Life

Award. Oh, you must be thrilled.

Delirious.

Now, I saw a Life Achievement Award on TV once.

I think they were giving it to somebody named Howdy Doody.

This is Howdy Doody. Hardly howdy doody time.

That reminds me. I have to order some string.

Excuse me.

As a climax to the occasion, there will be a slide presentation outlining the

high points in my life.

Are they going to show pictures of you as a child?

I was never a child.

My grandmother told me he used to wear a bow tie with his diapers.

Sorry, but he cracks me up, too.

Here. What's this?

Speech you'll deliver with the slide presentation.

How thoughtful.

Yes, you will deliver it as written and refrain from ad -libbing.

I haven't even said that I would come yet.

It is the custom for a member of the family to deliver the award.

Dinner is at 7 .30 sharp, so on that day you will ride your choo -choo a little

earlier.

Father, you're not listening to me. If you want me to come to this banquet with

you, ask me. Don't order me. I've been fighting your dictatorial attitude

me all my adult life.

What adult life?

That's it.

I can't talk to you.

So, what are you going to do?

Stand there and hold your breath till you turn blue?

Edward, I am not going to beg you to attend this banquet. You don't have to

me. Would it be so hard to say I would be pleased and delighted to have you

me on this special occasion?

I will not stoop to obsequious supplication. And you stop being

I am not being...

Can't you? Is that with an O or an A?

O.

You couldn't have just said stubborn?

Edward, are you coming to this banquet or are you not?

Father, I am not.

And what's the good?

You'll just say he's your only son, and I'll say don't rub it in.

And you'll say he's really trying, and I'll say I certainly agree.

And after that, you'll say it's nobody's fault, and I'll say poppycock, and I'll

walk right out of this room.

I can't be sure I was going to say those things.

What were you going to say?

Those things.

Richard, my boy.

Every good intention.

When your father started to rant and rave, he takes every piggly opportunity

blow his top.

He burns my butt.

Grandfather, you just wanted to ask him nicely.

He wants to know what you care about him.

Can't you make some kind of gesture?

Oh, there is such a gesture.

But I reserve it for truck drivers who try to cut in on me on the highway.

You do that?

Why not?

I'm human.

You are?

Richard, since your father has declined my invitation, you will deliver this

speech. I expect you at 7 .30.

Properly attired.

I'll send a limousine for you.

Grandfather, don't leave like this.

I want you, me, and my dad to have a happy family.

Can't you just bend a little?

Willows bend noodles.

convince him.

Sorry, Rick. It won't work.

What are you

doing in there?

I'm donating this to the charity auction tonight.

I thought I'd see what it felt like to wear it.

What does it feel like? It'll never replace wool.

I probably wanted to be with you, Edward.

All I know, Kate, is that every time I had something that was special to me, he

was always too busy to be there.

Now when he wants me to be somewhere, it's like a command performance.

Well, he burns my butt.

Edward, if you want things to change, somebody's got to take the first step.

Kate, if I went there, I can tell you exactly what would happen.

The minute I got there, he'd start to criticize me. Then I'd lose my temper,

the next thing you know, we'd argue in front of everybody, and pretty soon the

whole evening would be a disaster.

Phil, let me borrow your rope. Thanks.

Kate, take the end of this. Now, see, it's like a tug -of -war, Kate.

Pretend you're my father and I'm me, okay? Pull, Kate, pull.

Now, see, we're always pulling against each other. My father wants me to be

like him, and I want to be my own man.

So look what happens if I give in.

I lose.

Kate, I've got to keep pulling against him. I can't let my father win.

Is Edward Stratton the second?

Although he's never been second to anybody.

Well, it's customary for a member of the family to present our Life Achievement

Award. So tonight I want to introduce to you a young man who, along with the

award, is going to present a pictorial history of the life of his grandfather.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...

Master Richard Stratton.

Hello, Ian. It is indeed a privilege to be here tonight on such a suspicious

occasion.

Gee, by the way, anybody know why the punk rocker crossed the road?

Because he was a staple to the chicken.

fortune was taken by Edward Stratton I, who invented the inner tube.

Banana head.

While still a young man, my grandfather took over his father's outdated factory

and converted it into the largest shipyard in the world.

This helped America in World War II, and I'm personally thanked by President

Truman for saving...

contribution.

say something right now.

Uh -oh.

Something I've kept bottled up inside of me for a long, long time. I'd like you

all to know how I feel about this man as a father. Edward.

Tonight, I was going through some things for a charity auction, and I found a

card that I made for my father when I was only six years old.

never saw this because he was off on a business trip.

Seems all my life I've resented the fact that my father was off doing the very

things that you're honoring him here for tonight.

I was hurt because he didn't spend more time with me.

See, I wanted to spend all my time with him.

But, as is obvious to all of you, and now finally,

My father's time was well spent.

So, I'd like to present to my father, Edward Stratton II,

this life achievement award.

Along with the words that I wrote to him on that Father's Day so long ago.

Thank you, one and all, for bestowing this award upon me.

It is much appreciated and long overdue.

I also want to answer certain impromptu observations made by

my son.

First, you were late.

Second, Edward,

very, very glad that you are here with us.

Together, we're going to find our way.

Together,

taking the time to stay.

To learn all about those things you just can't buy.

Two silver spoons together.